


Simmer and Boil

by babyblueglasses



Series: Simmer and Boil [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Casual Sex, Christmas, Culinary seduction, Developing Relationship, Domestic, Everyone swears, Family Dynamics, M/M, References to overdose, Sexual Content, coping with A+ parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-25 00:31:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 197,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3789937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyblueglasses/pseuds/babyblueglasses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki, a cynical chef with an ill-temper, knows what to expect. He knows what to expect from his overbearing parents, his big shot brother, even the scruffy haired stranger with a nice ass and smart mouth at a party. Loki’s only after what he wants, but when that doesn’t match what he expects, it all goes wrong. Keeping a one night stand interested was never a part of the plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The insipid babble of Thor’s friends was slightly more tolerable behind the kitchen counter, where he was leaning conspicuously beside the knives holder. Occasionally one of the cohorts would error too close to the counter, tempted by one of the mouth watering hors d’oeuvres, only to recognize the sulking form of Thor’s younger brother a moment too late. 

Then it was a string of awkward pleasantries, or in the case of Clint, shoving a whole egg in the mouth and chewing it contentedly while fixing the stranger with a dull, expectant stare before taking a handful and leaving. 

The hors d’oeuvres were the only thing that Loki had willingly contributed to the party. He was only there from their parents’ rather opaque pestering for Loki to mix with other people. As in, people that weren’t in the restaurant business, _influencing him_. Taking him away from their plans for him.

He’d lost his fifth job in a row, and had been unemployed for a long stretch now. His parents couldn’t orchestrate a worse scenario than he had gotten himself into. And as pointless as this adventure in their most recent meddling seemed, it had a perk. Thor had wisely given him access to his credit card, and the promise that Loki could purchase and make whatever he wanted ( _as long as it doesn’t hit my credit limit, and yes I have to say that to you, don’t roll your eyes_ ) was placating enough. 

Somewhere in the corner, someone was laughing obnoxiously loud. Loki had talked to him. Steve? Maybe? His goofy laugh made Loki’s jaw clench. 

So far he’d met Bruce (too quiet), Sam (too nice), and Natasha (as sharp as that hostess three jobs ago that pulled things over on the more uppity clients). He already knew Darcy, who was making Steve (or was it Stan?) laugh again, and Jane. At first Jane had tried coddling him and inviting him into the fray, but she’d since given up and was now sitting in Thor’s lap as he told another story. 

Loki went to the wine rack and found nothing but a six dollar bottle of red wine. For a lawyer, Thor’s selection of alcohol was pathetic. Loki would have to settle for one of the regular beers in the fridge that reeked of sentimentality for Thor’s college days. 

Loki pulled open the drawer in front of him, looking for a bottle opener. He didn’t come to his brother’s apartment often enough to know where things were kept. As he shuffled through the drawer, the sound in the room shot up. Loki glanced over just in time to see a man walk into the apartment. 

His gaze got stuck on the man’s scruffy, rich mahogany hair. It was wild enough to put off that the man wasn't trying too hard, but without passing the line of unkept. “Tony!” Steve-Stan yelled. Loki turned his attention back to the task at hand. 

The sound of the apartment drained back out of Loki’s awareness as he tried the next drawer. Knick-knack keychains from Thor’s vacations, a gimmicky knife set from an infomercial, and the blades of a blender. He left the unopened beer on the counter as he bent down to open the lower doors. He found the rest of the blender, a waffle iron, an unopened panini press box, two dented pans he recognized from Thor’s college days, some lids to god knew what, and a fucking banana slicer. With a loud, hissing sigh, Loki stood back up. 

“As far as hiding places go, that’s not the brightest.” The man from the doorway was suddenly on the other side of the counter, grinning. His articulate eyes set on Loki a little too closely for his taste. 

“Are you insulting the hiding skills of the bottle opener I’m looking for?” Loki asked. He noted the gold flecks in the man’s eyes, the way his tanned skin suited the trim beard on his face. He also noted that the man was a cocky bastard. The brunette reached across the counter and grabbed the bottle, pressing the metal cap to his forearm and twisting it right off. Loki glanced at him before haughtily taking the drink from his hand. 

“Thor’s little brother, right? I’m Tony,” the man said, not waiting for an answer. “Did you make these?” He asked, grabbing a deviled egg and tossing it in his mouth. Loki took a swig of his beer. His nose wrinkled at the taste. Tony’s eyes flicked towards the tattoo across his knuckles, then meandered down.

“Have you known Thor to cook?” Loki asked. 

Tony grabbed another deviled egg, speaking before he’d swallowed. “I’ve seen him make ramen,” Tony offered. He leaned his elbows against the counter, getting comfortable. Moving on to a particularly good set of canapés he said, “so what’s the deal?” He swallowed a mouthful and went for another. “Haven’t seen you around before and you two don’t exactly give off the brotherly love vibe. Is this some sort of bet?” 

A thin smile slid onto Loki’s face. “You mean you haven’t talked about me before?” 

“Well, yeah,” Tony said. “I mean we’ve talked about you, but not as much as you’d like to think.” Loki smirked at the challenge as Tony helped himself to spanakopita. “My impression was that you were a little less punk rock,” Tony shrugged. He looked Loki over again, so blatantly that it was almost humorous. “I mean those jeans could go either way. Is that all there is?” Tony asked, abruptly changing topics and gesturing towards Loki’s beer. 

Loki set his elbows on the counter, curling one hand around the peeling beer label. “Your choices are pisswater and pisswater light.”

“Just what I wanted,” Tony said, slipping around the counter and going for the fridge. As he bent down to reach inside, Loki’s eyes wandered over the expensive jeans clinging to the man’s ass and the shoulder blades rising up from his band shirt as if they were about to take flight. He was toned too, though Loki couldn’t remember what Thor had ever said about Tony, or what he worked in. He never remembered details or names too well if he heard them at all.

Tony twisted this cap off with his forearm again. He tossed it on the crowded countertop, narrowly missing a sausage. “I was stuck in meetings all day, I haven’t had anything but coffee.” He grabbed another egg and tossed it in his mouth. “These are really good.” He took another as laughter rang from the far corner of the room. Tony slid his hand under one of the trays. “Help me carry some of these over?” 

Loki wasn’t entirely certain why it didn’t bother him, but he grabbed a few trays and dove into the fray of Thor’s obnoxious friends, pasting on a smile. Tony could work the room, that much was clear. But he kept circling back to Loki, including him in the group conversations, and Loki quickly saw that Tony wasn’t just charming. Charming was easy. Tony was smart. Actually smart, and clever in a way that caught Loki’s attention. 

He was really, genuinely laughing at a few of the man’s jokes. He was looking forward to seeing what Tony would say next, and Tony was throwing back all of his banter. He was actually enjoying himself. Loki finished off his second beer thinking that perhaps all of Thor’s friends weren’t boring. Anyone could strike gold sometime, couldn’t they? Dumb luck was everywhere. 

When the night wound down and people were beginning to head home or stay to clean up, Loki took the plates into the kitchen. They were his serving trays, and he would wash them and take the leftovers before driving back to his own apartment. As he packed up the first plate, he listened to the chatter of Thor’s friends die down. The night hadn’t been as painful as he’d expected. 

He brought the dish over to the sink. 

“Hey.” For the second time that evening, Tony surprised him. He was back behind the countertop like the first time, but this time his eyes were bright and friendly. “Are you doing anything after this?” 

Loki glanced down at the plate in the sink. As much as he’d enjoyed Tony that evening, a large part of him had written off some of Tony’s attention as Tony trying to impress his brother, not genuine. Loki took a long step back towards the countertop and grabbed the second plate. “That depends on what you had in mind,” he said, keeping his voice even, but leaving just enough suggestion in it. 

Tony didn’t glance back towards the living room to see where Thor was, and Loki was a little bit impressed by that. Instead, Tony dropped his voice just enough that it wouldn’t be heard over by the couches. “I was thinking we could go back to my place and mess around, if you want.” It sounded friendly, not pushy or arrogant. Loki glanced up at him, feeling the grin settling on his lips. 

“And by mess around, you mean fuck, right?” 

Tony didn’t squirm in his gaze as he’d expected. His eyes darkened a little maybe, but Loki couldn’t see anything past that. “Yeah.” 

“Alright,” Loki said, making an effort not to smile the way he wanted to. He liked Tony, and this was a pleasant surprise. “But at my place. I’ll text you the address.” As he took out his phone, he scanned the room for Jane and Thor. He needed to slip out before they started talking to him, or he’d be trapped here for at least another hour with their pitying stares and unsolicited advice. Right after Tony got his text he quietly instructed, “help me pack these up so that we can get out of here.” 

Tony was lighting fast, and not nearly as careful as Loki wanted him to be. After Loki narrowly prevented Tony from chipping one of the serving trays, he decided to just stack up the dirty dishes and take them home. It was a testament to how much he wanted Tony that he didn’t chew him out for it right there. He’d berated others in the kitchen for far less.

Instead, he blessedly slipped out of Thor’s apartment with only a few parting words from Thor and Jane, and got to his apartment where Tony was already waiting for him. 

It wasn’t the sort of apartment that Tony was used to. That much was obvious from the man’s nervous posture, but he was all grins and talking the moment Loki took his keys out his pocket. “Don’t touch those,” Loki warned him as they passed an impressive set of knives in the tiny kitchen. He put the dirty dishes into the sink and a few of the leftovers in the crammed fridge.

“Wow,” Tony said, running the tip of his finger along the brim of a copper pan hanging from a ceiling hook. All of Loki’s cash had gone into the best cookware, in stark contrast to the rest of the apartment. 

“Are you offering to wash that?” Loki asked. Tony’s hands disappeared. 

“I don’t like people touching my stuff either,” Tony said. 

“Well, hopefully that doesn’t apply to all of your stuff,” Loki said, sparing the man for the second time that evening and walking out into the living room. 

“I’ll make exceptions if you will,” Tony said. 

“I plan on it,” Loki replied. 

The living room consisted of nothing but an old couch, television set, and crammed bookshelf on a ratty carpet. There were a few posters stuck to the faded walls that Tony tried relating to. They were art house films he’d never seen. 

There were just two doors off the living room—the bathroom and the bedroom. Loki didn’t care for small talk. He pushed open the second door. He hadn’t expected company, but Tony just made one crack about the mess before getting onto the bed. Loki was over him in an instant. 

Tony’s mouth was hot and breathy on Loki’s skin, and pleasantly, he was just as impatient as Loki was. Tony’s heavy breathing crashed in his ears, and the moans were something of a work of art. Loki quickly felt his way along heated skin, never lingering too long, seeking friction and his own whims. Tony was clear about what he wanted, and dirty in his praising, and at the end of it Loki was satisfied and happily exhausted. 

It wasn’t the best sex he’d ever had, but it was good. He expected Tony to fall right asleep or make up an excuse to leave. It was why Loki had chosen his own place. He didn’t like being the one to leave. 

He rolled onto his side, leaning up to grab one of the covers that had been kicked to edge of the bed. He pulled it over his shoulder as he laid down. He closed his eyes.

Loki listened for a few seconds, waiting for Tony to awkwardly leave. He heard nothing but the sound of cars driving past the window. Maybe Tony would just fall asleep then. A siren passed by. Loki opened his eyes and watched the room fill with colored lights. 

“I had one of those growing up,” Tony said. His voice was calm and natural in the dim room. Loki lifted his head off the pillow to look for what Tony could be talking about. “The glow sword,” Tony said. Loki’s eyes settled on the collapsed plastic tube attached to a brightly colored flashlight. The desk at the end of the room was piled with shit, and the glow sword had been balanced on top of a precariously stacked pile of books. “I probably still have it somewhere if someone else hasn’t cleaned it out. They probably have,” Tony decided. 

Loki glanced over. Tony was sitting slightly propped up against the headboard, his fingers laced together with a languid, content look on his face. In that split second, Loki decided that he wanted to hear Tony keep talking. “What did you get it for?”

“My old man took me to a carnival. He was feeling bad about falling through on one of his promises, I don’t remember which one. I was young enough that he still felt guilty about that kind of stuff.” Tony slid down a little further, lightly taking some of the blanket from Loki and pulling it up to his waist. His clothes were in a pile on the floor. “I played with that thing like it came from Luke Skywalker himself.” 

“Did you win it?” Loki asked. He’d rolled onto his side facing Tony now, elbow and arm propping up his head. He spoke quietly, surprised at the mere fact that he was interested in what Tony was saying, rather than annoyed. 

Tony had to think about that question. “I don’t remember,” he said eventually. “It was probably bought for me. The driver could’ve got it for me on the way out, even. I don’t know,” he finished brightly. 

Loki’s gaze had been lingering on the marbled, galaxy-like scar across Tony’s chest. He didn’t flinch when Tony subconsciously brought a hand over his chest, obviously uncomfortable with the attention. “Thor won that one,” Loki offered. 

“Yeah?” Tony asked. His expression relaxed again as his eyes met Loki’s piercing ones. “So you don’t hate his guts.” 

Loki smiled, running his fingers along the sheet. “Depends on the day,” he said. 

“That’s how I felt about the old man,” Tony said, almost yawning. “He died, and I’m still finding shit that makes my head spin in his files.” Tony pulled the blanket up over his chest. The action irritated Loki, though he knew it had no right to. “After him, I got fucked over by Obadiah. The bastard bankrupted the company my dad started. But my start up company’s making more in its second year than the last year of the old one.” Tony let that thought drift for a while. “I’m still pissed.” 

Tony smiled sleepily at Loki, with the stupidest, most endearing sloppy grin that Loki had ever seen. “I think I did okay,” Tony said. Loki couldn’t tell if Tony was just saying it, or seeking some sort of validation. So he just smiled in return, eyes staying on Tony’s face as the man closed his eyes. Tony tugged the sheet up higher and proceeded to fall asleep. Loki didn’t stir to lay back flat against the pillow, or make himself comfortable. 

Instead he noticed the things he’d somehow missed while they were fucking each other’s brains out—the mingle of deep and light browns in Tony’s sex tousled hair, the soft way his lips parted as he fell asleep, how different he seemed in slumber. No longer anxious, or making up for it with confidence, or playing the game of charm like he was born for it. He was something else, something that Loki felt strangely drawn to. 

It had surprised him that Tony had been one to talk afterward—he didn’t know why it should, Tony certainly talked enough the rest of the time—but he hadn’t gotten that impression. And what he’d said—the more Loki looked at him, the less alone he felt. 

As Tony had spoken, Loki had pictured Odin taking them to that carnival. Thor had given him the sword after his six year old self had pitched a crying fit after losing a carnival game, and only because Odin hadn’t wanted to listen to an outburst. Loki couldn’t remember, but he was sure that Odin had bought Thor something to make up for it. 

They had probably been there for similar reasons as Tony and his father. 

Tony would probably listen if he talked about it, or offered more than another question. 

Loki laid down on his pillow, still facing Tony. He prepared himself for the likelihood that Tony would be gone when he woke up. Yet rather than pull away to his own side of the narrow bed, Loki dared to move in closer to Tony. He set his forehead close to the man’s chest, not enough to wake him, but enough that the scent of him flooded Loki’s senses. Their legs touched at the shins, and as Loki quickly drifted off to sleep, he did so with a contentment that he had not felt in a very long time. 

 

In the morning, Loki woke up because Tony was untangling their arms and legs. He didn’t remember latching onto Tony, and moaned a pissy complaint as the source of warmth pulled away. “Morning sunshine.” Tony’s voice. Loki’s eyes snapped open. He’d forgotten. As the night came crashing back, Tony pulled away from him and let his feet hit the floor. He bent down and grabbed his clothes, getting dressed. 

Loki sat up in bed, uncertain of what to do next. He pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. “Please tell me you have coffee,” Tony said. 

Pulling himself out of the warm sheets, Loki got up. He was sore in the right places as he stood. Tiredly he said, “I’ll make breakfast.”

It was Loki’s routine, he always cooked himself a decent fucking meal at the start of another shit day—“I’d love it, but I’ve got a meeting in forty minutes. I overslept. Do you have—” Tony stopped, smiling to himself. “Yeah, probably no pop tarts or protein bars here, huh?” 

Loki shot him a dirty look before going over and digging in his open closet for something else to wear. Clothes were piled up from the bottom of the closet and spilled onto the floor. He threw sweatpants and a t-shirt on, hoping that Tony was watching him lustfully as he did. “Come on,” Loki said. 

He started the coffee pot and made Tony an egg on toast while the man was in the bathroom. When Tony came out his shirt was wrinkled, but he looked otherwise presentable, and refused the offer to wear something of Loki’s. Loki set the toast in front of him just as the coffee finished. “Lucky for you, I don’t have the funds to cook what I’d like to. This is as simple as it gets,” he said. 

“Looks fucking amazing,” Tony said honestly, tearing into the thing as Loki poured cups of coffee. Tony inhaled that too, checking his phone and texting someone as he guzzled the cup down. “Thanks,” he said, standing up. 

A soft smile flickered across Loki’s face, the remnant of the night before. “I’ve got to go,” Tony said. “I’ll let myself out,” he said, digging his keys out of his pocket. He left his plate and mug behind. Loki listened to the front door shut seconds later, and sank down into his own chair. He took a long sip of his black coffee and stared at the crumbs on Tony’s plate. 

Maybe, he considered, mind awash with images of Tony’s flushed torso and pleasure struck face, this could actually go somewhere. The coffee burned his throat as he swallowed. Okay, he admitted to himself, he liked this one. Tony was different. Smart, clever, funny, good in bed. But it was afterward that had wormed its way into Loki. 

That was the part that made him want it to happen again. 

When he got up to make his own breakfast, he started to whistle, making twice as much as he needed. Afterwards he called Thor and fucking thanked him. Thor’s startled silence on the other end was obvious, right before he fumbled to accept Loki’s thank you. He must’ve panicked, because he invited Loki to come with the group to the movies that night. 

Loki got dressed to look good, carefully combing his inky black locks in the mirror and selecting the one band shirt he owned that Tony might recognize. A tiny grin played at the corner of his mouth all day. By the time he drove to the movie theater, Loki had convinced himself that Tony had shared those things last night because he liked Loki a whole lot more than Loki had realized at the time. 

He spotted Thor and his friends standing close to the ticket counter, waiting for everyone to arrive. His eyes went straight to Tony. “Hey,” Tony said as Loki walked up to him. His gaze fell to Loki’s shirt. “Good band,” he said. 

Before Loki got a chance to say anything, Tony waved. “Over here!” He shouted at Clint. Loki rigidly watched as Clint suddenly noticed them, hurrying over. “Is that a box of chocolates in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Tony teased Clint. 

“Wait until you see where I’ve got the coke can,” Clint said and Tony started to laugh. 

“Let’s get our tickets,” Thor announced. 

As Loki stood with Tony in line, Tony didn’t treat him any differently than anyone else. He wasn’t cold or unfriendly, and he joked with Loki. But it wasn’t special. It wasn’t different. Tony acted like they were just good friends, and Loki knew it wasn’t because Tony was afraid of being in front of Thor. 

He kept reaching for something that would make Tony laugh, or impress him, but everything went over flat. He caught Clint giving Tony a disapproving side eye after he said something. 

The disappointment sank into Loki’s gut. 

Maybe he had been wrong to come. He should’ve just left things as they were. Of course Tony wouldn’t want something more. He wasn’t interested in Loki. It had just been a fling, they’d both known that going in, Loki wasn’t supposed to give a shit, he never ever gave a shit—he caught sight of Tony’s rich brown eyes again. Flecked with gold, daring and playful, promising at just something—fuck. Loki shoved his hands into his pockets. 

After they’d gotten their tickets, Loki feverishly clung to the hope that Tony would sit next to him. Maybe then Tony’s hands would wander, or Loki’s could, and he’d see that he was wrong and there was more going on with them. He tried to work it so that they would sit together, but at the last moment Tony sat beside Sam instead of him, leaving Loki between Jane and Darcy.

As the trailers began, Loki flitted between irritation and terror. He glanced over at Tony’s shadowed form two seats away, then tore himself away from it. He barely heard the narrator’s voice, or the explosions, or the chatting couple below them. If Tony slipped through his fingers, he wouldn’t forgive himself. He just needed one more chance, just one, to see if there was something to this. He needed more than just a taste. Tony’s empty mug was still sitting on his kitchen table. 

He heard Tony’s laugh, standing out from the others. As the movie began, that voice caught his attention every time, as if it were only Tony and him there. 

Loki knew something had to be done. If he wanted Tony’s world to meet with his, if he wanted Tony to see that there could be more between them, if Loki wanted more of what he’d just gotten a hint of the night before, he’d have to fucking work for it. 

As the movie rolled, he became resolute. He could impress this man. He was certain of it.


	2. Chapter 2

Loki spun his phone like a top on the linoleum table, watching Tony’s number turn into a white circle of light. His chin jutted forward in the palm of the hand not spinning the phone. He’d propped his elbow up against the table. 

The table was just big enough for two people. Three or more meant that someone’s knees were hitting someone else’s, not that Loki had had groups of people over in a few months. The phone’s plastic case rattled against the table as he sent it spinning again. Once he got out of this place, the table would be the first thing to go. It was chipping and stained. It was good enough for having been free, but not good enough to present the dishes he made on. 

Maybe that would be a problem with Tony too. He’d had no idea that he’d want to see Tony again, not really. If he had, he might’ve kept things at Tony’s place so that Tony wouldn’t see this. The fucking table, and the narrow kitchen with just two burners and an oven that Loki had run within an inch of its life. 

Loki had googled Tony, of course. There was no way that he was asking Thor. The realization that Tony was a millionaire had made Loki want to vomit. He had stared, pale-faced at the screen, when he’d realized. And he’d let Tony into his apartment. 

Maybe he was really reaching beyond what he could have. 

Sure, alright, his parents were millionaires. He’d had an extremely privileged childhood. But Odin had cut him off dramatically somewhere between his fifth tattoo and the realization that Loki was never going to give up the lifestyle he’d chosen. So it wasn’t the same. Not exactly. 

Loki pushed that thought aside and picked up his phone. His thumbs hovered over the keypad. It had been a week since he’d slept with Tony, and he’d refrained from texting the man the entire time. He didn’t want to come off as too interested. 

Tony had said goodbye to him when they’d left the movies, and Loki had caught the way his eyes had flickered downward. That had to have been a good sign. 

Loki had also used the week to think of what it was that he could do to impress Tony. 

And he had come back to what he always did. 

Loki’s eyes flickered towards the copper pot hanging above him. 

He didn’t know what Tony ate or liked. And he had tried googling that. He really had. 

There was no way to trick the answer out of Thor without raising suspicion. He’d already asked Thor if anyone had allergies before the party, and that was how he knew Clint was trying to go gluten-free, and Loki hadn’t cared in the least. In the end it would just come down to what he could afford to buy. 

Loki didn’t think that mattered too much. He had a friend at the grocery store that slipped him the broken cucumbers and misshapen tomatoes that were perfectly good and would only end up in the dumpster otherwise. It was something. And he could make a bowl of cereal from the fucking box taste six times better if he had to. He was good at food, and he knew it.

Besides, Tony didn’t seem to be the kind of person that wanted everyone to fawn over his wealth. Loki found the band t-shirts and purposefully messy hair to be a good indicator of that. So it seemed reasonable to assume that Tony wouldn’t be falling over himself to get a bite of caviar. 

Loki stared down at his phone. 

No, the shitty part was figuring out how to phrase the text. 

_Up for round two? Come hungry. I can’t let an egg on toast be the last meal I serve you._

Loki deleted that one immediately. Not only was it awful, but he didn’t want Tony to think it was all innuendo and find dinner to be a let down. 

_I’m cooking. Get your ass over here._

He would’ve sent that to someone else, but he didn’t really know Tony that well. It could backfire.

He wasn’t even sure if he should tell Tony that he was going to cook for him, or if he should just be cooking when Tony showed up. The scenario ran two ways in his head. One, Tony was practically drooling on himself as he watched Loki cook, falling somewhat comically head over heels for Loki. Two, Tony showed up and was visibly disappointed to see that he’d have to sit through a meal before messing around. He sat at a distance and stared with obvious boredom or flipped through his phone, just waiting for it to be over with. Loki really couldn’t stand that last one. 

But it had been a week and he had played the waiting game long enough. If he was going to have a chance, it was now. Loki held his phone up to his face like a crystal ball. The phone clicked loudly as his thumb slowly tapped out the words. _Free tomorrow?_

Tony texted back immediately. _Depends on what you have in mind._

Loki smirked. Throwing his own words back at him, Loki could approve of that. _Come to my place, mess around. I’ll cook._

He gripped the phone tighter as he waited for a reply, watching the ellipses symbol fervently. _Breakfast or dinner?_

The table scooted forward as Loki jostled it accidentally, rushing to type his reply. _Dinner. Breakfast if you’re good._

_I guess I’ll have to be good then._

Loki dropped his head back, letting out a deep, deep breath. It worked. It fucking worked. His phone buzzed. He sat back up to read the next text, hunched over the screen. _I should be out of the office by seven. See you then._

 _You know where to find me._

Loki glanced back over his apartment. He’d actually fucking cleaned it that week. If his mother had shown up, she wouldn’t have gotten that worried crease in her brow like normal. Maybe she wouldn’t have had that pained look while slipping him an unmarked envelope and saying something with “sweetie” or “darling” tacked onto it. At first Loki had let the envelopes sit untouched, but there wasn’t any money coming in, and he couldn’t afford that much pride. Now the cash stuffed envelopes went straight to the rent.

Getting up from his chair, he went into the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed. 

Naturally, his eyes fell onto the glow sword. He had left it on the desk, balanced on top of only two books this time. It was the first time in months that the surface of the desk was visible. Most of his things were now crammed under his bed, or stacked on the closet floor behind a door that could now close. 

Loki ran the short, stubby nail of his pointer finger across his bottom lip, almost fish hooking himself. He hadn't wanted someone like this in ages. Usually he was content with people from the kitchen that were going to quit in a few months anyway, or a few loosely defined arrangements with some of the wait staff. There was no one that he felt an attachment to, or even particularly intrigued by. 

Until now. Maybe Loki should despise Tony for that. 

But there was something about waking up in bed with someone else who made him want to stay in bed that made it hard for Loki to despise it at all. 

_Why the fuck had he made it for tomorrow?_ Now he’d have to spend the whole fucking day waiting for the next. Loki got up and went straight into the kitchen. He grabbed a decent craft beer out of the fridge, then grabbed his old laptop. The wifi was spotty, but he had Thor’s Netflix password. Flopping down onto the couch, he browsed with one hand while the other curled its scripted fingers around the beer bottle. He had everything he needed for tomorrow night’s meal. Now all he needed to do was kill time. 

Just once he glanced towards his phone, completely oblivious of the small smirk that ran across his lips.

* * * 

Loki carved his knife through the butter tub, making patterns in the soft fat. He was stalling. The main meal would only take a few minutes to make, and it was better to serve it as soon as it was done. He’d finished and plated the dessert that afternoon. Loki glanced at his phone again. Tony was fifteen minutes late. He tried not to dwell on that. Tony had been late to Thor’s party too.

Twirling the knife in a circle, he burrowed a hole into the butter. He would’ve murdered someone for doing that to the butter in his kitchen. Not so much here. The muscles in Loki’s arm flexed as he adjusted his grip on the knife’s hilt. He’d worn a slim, black cotton shirt without sleeves to show off his ink and moderately toned arms. They’d been a lot more toned when he’d been in the kitchen everyday, but they were still nothing to laugh at. 

There was a heavy knock at the door. _Finally._

Loki hurried over and swung the door open just as Tony raised his hand to knock again. 

He was impeccably dressed with a bottle of wine in one hand. “Hey,” Tony said, brown eyes lighting up. “I hope you like this, but I’ve got others in the car. I couldn’t make up my mind.” He handed Loki the bottle and stepped inside. 

Loki turned the bottle over, pretending to read the label when he was really studying Tony. The man had obviously gone back to his apartment and showered. Loki could smell the rich scent of his shampoo even at a distance. It was the same one he’d smelled like last time. The memory sent a fresh wave of longing through Loki. Tony was wearing a dark set of jeans and a t-shirt, but there was something perfect about it. Impeccable. “Perfect,” Loki said, starting back over to the kitchen. Tony followed at his heels. 

“God that smells good. What is that?” Tony asked. 

Loki set the wine bottle down on the counter with a dull clunk. “Dessert,” he answered, lighting up the burner. Melting butter mixed in with the sweet smell of chocolate ganache and hazelnut. “Would you hand me that?” he asked, indicating the loaf of bread wrapped in brown paper on the counter. 

“Are you sure you want me touching this?” Tony asked, carefully picking it up. “I’m not good with the whole cooking thing. I might catch it on fire.” 

Loki grinned. “I doubt that.” 

“No seriously,” Tony said, eyes rapt on Loki’s wrist. The man could work a knife. He lopped off perfect, fluffy slices of bread with a precision that was mesmerizing. “The fire department was called on me twice when I lived in a dorm.” 

“Somehow I suspect that wasn’t for cooking related incidents.” The knife gritted across the bread with a soft scratch as the opposite side came down with smooth, creamy butter. 

“Yeah, fine,” Tony said, eyes stuck on the rhythmic motion of Loki’s hands. The bread sizzled as it was tossed onto the heated pan. “I always ordered in but the point stands. I can’t cook to save my life.” 

Loki glanced over at Tony, holding his wondering gaze with steady green eyes until the brunette glanced away. Loki grabbed a spatula. “Maybe I should’ve gotten a different wine,” Tony said. 

“What you got is perfect for dessert,” Loki said approvingly. It was an expensive wine, but that wasn’t what impressed Loki. It was that Tony had bothered to bring something at all. 

Usually people showed up to eat his cooking empty handed. 

Loki grabbed slices of different cheeses and layered them into the sandwiches. Tony didn’t seem like he knew whether he wanted to talk or just watch, so Loki told him he was free to grab a seat at the table. “And miss the show?” Tony asked. “No.” 

Loki tried to hide his smile but failed. 

“At least get some plates if you’re going to swoon,” Loki said. “Second cabinet.” He heard them rattle as he flipped the sandwiches over, adding in heavy helpings of seasoned meat. When Tony came over with an expectant plate held outward, Loki carefully placed the finished sandwich in. Within moments they were both seated at the table. 

Tony had his sandwich in his hands in seconds, which Loki could only approve of. He waited, holding off from his own, just to watch Tony take that first bite. Juices trickled down Tony’s chin as he took a deep, heavy bite and let out a loud groan. “Jesus,” Tony muttered with a mouthful. He chewed, eyes rolling back a little as he did. He swallowed too soon for Loki’s taste. He was enjoying the show immensely. “What the hell did you do to this? It’s just like a fucking grilled cheese or something and it’s _amazing_.” 

“Do you like it?” Loki asked. 

“Yeah, smart ass, I do.” Tony gave him a look, clearly amused, before taking another bite. It was only then that Loki began eating. There was nothing he loved more than people appreciating what he’d made. “This is fucking criminal,” Tony said, shoving in a huge bite. 

“No, the dessert is what’s criminal,” Loki said. Tony glanced at him and smirked. Loki wasn’t entirely playing. His friend at the grocery store had slipped him some truffle oil to finish it off with. 

It took Tony two minutes top to finish off the sandwich. Loki got the dessert out immediately. He poured Tony’s wine as the man spoke. “I knew you cooked or whatever, but I didn’t know that you could do it like this,” Tony said. “I mean, Thor said you were a cook, where do you work?” 

“I don’t,” Loki said, setting a glass down beside Tony. He put one at his own place as well. “The kitchen and I had…creative difficulties.” He set Tony’s dessert plate onto the table. Tony took a bite instead of commenting on that. 

“God…” Tony said. “Loki, this is like—magic.” 

Loki ate his dessert slowly, watching Tony ignore the wine completely to savor his dessert. “Seriously,” Tony said. “You should probably sell this.” His plate was empty and he reached over for his wine. “You were right,” Tony said after he’d taken a sip. “This is the perfect combination.” 

“Perhaps you could still be a sommelier,” Loki said. 

“Me? No, Jarvis can do that.” Tony paused. “He’s…he’s this computer thing I’m working on,” Tony said, waving his hand dismissively. It was too late. He’d already caught Loki’s attention. 

“What are you working on?” Loki asked. 

“Uh, well,” Tony said, eyes falling down to the dessert lingering on Loki’s lips. Loki licked it off a bit showily, well aware of the way Tony’s eyes had darkened. “Um,” he swallowed. “It’s—just a rather very intelligent system…That’s an acronym. For Jarvis.” 

“Did you come up with the acronym before or after you named him?” Loki asked, holding the brim of the glass just below his lips, his eyes set on Tony. 

“Uh…kind of both. Yeah, both,” Tony said. “I needed a name.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I’m hoping to use him to manage interiors and employ a user interface with holographic peripherals and voice input, but it has complex computational requirements and there have been some…issues,” Tony said. He shrugged the last part off, taking a heavy sip of his wine and setting it back down in one quick motion. Then he noticed Loki grinning. “What?” 

“Nothing,” Loki said. Tony’s expression flattened. “I just didn’t realize that I was fucking silicon valley itself over here.” 

Tony stared at him for a split second and then laughed at the teasing. “And I didn’t realize that I was fucking freaking Ratatouille, but here we are.” 

Loki’s face pinched considerably. “Is that that children’s rat movie?” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. Loki flustered, indignant. “It’s the only cooking movie I know, okay? It’s been the free in-flight movie like seven times.” He nudged Loki’s foot under the table. “Why? What chef would you have wanted me to call you? Gordon Ramsay?”

  “What? No,” Loki grabbed his wine and took a heady sip to hide his ire. “Let’s play a different game.” 

“Fine by me,” Tony said, eyes dropping pointedly to Loki’s chest. The black shirt hardly concealed the sculpted muscle there, or the black script written along Loki’s collarbone. Loki reached over and ghosted his fingertips along Tony’s where they were curled around the wine glass. 

“Do you remember what you promised?” 

When he glanced up Tony was looking at him with some wholly new expression. Loki tried to puzzle it out—intrigue, excitement, lust, apprehension, cynicism—it was all there. “Be good,” Loki prompted him. “Or you’re not getting breakfast.” 

“You’re on,” Tony said, standing up from the table. The new expression vanished in a heartbeat. Loki’s eyes flickered to his fingertips. Tony hadn’t stayed in his grip. They traded quips the entire way to the bedroom, but Loki’s mind fixated on that fraction of a second gesture until Tony was taking his shirt off. Then it was a war between studying Tony’s every inch of skin this time, the way he wanted to, or giving in and just fucking each other’s brains out a second time, the way he also wanted to. He was giving in to the later until he had the sudden, uncontrollable impulse to press his fingertips into the spaces between Tony’s ribs. 

Suddenly, everything was too intimate. Tony tensed, and when Loki glanced up at him, the man’s eyes were sharp. Tony took a slow breath as Loki’s heart shot off in wild, thumping beats. His hands didn’t move. Tony’s hand came up to his right wrist, torturously slow as Loki’s brain short circuited in paralyzed panic. “Not the chest,” Tony said, voice hard and heavy as the hand closed around Loki’s wrist. 

Loki’s hands darted back, taking Tony with them. Tony let go. The agony must’ve shown on Loki’s face, because suddenly Tony reached up and stroked his thumb along the ink on Loki’s forearm. “What’s this from?” 

Loki stared down at the depiction of a slender blade. “Nothing,” Loki said. “Doesn’t fucking matter.” He bent down and kissed Tony’s bicep. He shuffled down further on the bed to try for Tony’s hip and distractions instead but Tony’s hand snuck around his chin just as a muskier aroma filled his nose.

“I always thought about getting one,” Tony said. “Thought maybe they’d hide, you know—” He grinned unhappily at Loki. Loki assumed that Tony was implying his chest but couldn’t be sure. Tony blinked at him a few times, hand steady. Loki licked his bottom lip and glanced down. 

He’d fucked this up already. 

“I like this one though,” Tony said, thumb sliding up the slender blade. That hand dropped down to the bed. “I like all of them, actually.” 

“That’s great,” Loki said, voice just scraping by at neutrality. When he glanced back at Tony the man’s eyes were soft again. Tony stared at him for a moment before grabbing his face with both hands and urging him up to his mouth, where his tongue was reckless and greedy as it slid into Loki’s mouth. Loki relented, falling right back into the pattern from last time, taking and seeking pleasure completely, shoving away the desire for something deeper. 

It ended like before, panting and sweat slicked and apart from each other on separate sides of the bed. 

Loki closed his eyes, still catching his breath. Waiting. Heart beating too fast. Tony had to speak now. Like last time. If he didn’t, that meant that everything had gone wrong, and it probably went wrong because he’d gone and fucked it up, and Tony wouldn’t fucking call him out on it, he’d just leave and never look back. Loki could feel himself scrunching his face together in agony. He had to get it together. His eyes shot open, wide at the ceiling. He balled his hands into fists. Tony still wasn’t talking. “I didn’t think you’d be okay with me being Thor’s brother.” 

They were the first words that had escaped his lips. He hadn’t planned them. Loki stared, mortified, at the dirty popcorn ceiling. 

“I don’t care,” Tony said immediately, sounding sincere. “Thor and I are friends, yeah, but to be honest I think I get on his nerves sometimes.” The answer was casual. Loki still couldn’t look away from the ceiling to gauge Tony’s face. “And I don’t think he’d care, do you?” 

“No,” Loki said. “And it’s none of his goddamn business.” 

Tony snorted, laughing almost. “I wasn’t going to say it, but that’s what I think too.” Loki heard Tony roll over in the bed, felt the mattress dip down closer to him. “Besides, that grilled cheese was worth having my ass beat if it comes down to that.” 

“Just the grilled cheese?” Loki asked, voice high and lofty. Pretending to be indifferent while the need for reassurance devoured him whole. He had one hand set over his chest, curled protectively over the left side as he listened for an answer. 

Tony’s soft lips pressed to his shoulder. “And dessert.” His finger trailed down Loki’s arm, tracing a tattoo, leaving goosebumps. “All of it.” 

Loki couldn’t help smiling at that. “Lame,” he said, finally turning his head to look at Tony. He couldn’t quite manage the sardonic look that he wanted. Tony was grinning. The finger on his arm turned into a hand. When Tony stared at him, it felt like he could see everything. It was ridiculous, and absurd, but for a brief moment Loki thought that Tony could see straight into his twisted heart. He looked away to Tony’s wrecked hair instead. He loved the tangle of mahogany and oak strands just as much as before. 

“Hey,” Tony said. “So if you’re going to cuddle the shit out of me like last time, now would be a really good time to start, because I could go for it.” 

“I do not _cuddle_ ,” Loki said, dropping the word from his tongue like it was shit. 

“You bet your fucking ass you do, I woke up to a vice grip at like four in the morning last time—” Tony took a deep breath. Despite his teasing tone, Tony didn’t seem playful anymore. He wasn’t making eye contact and his mouth had sunken downward. Loki hoped the hand on his arm wouldn’t leave. “Look, normally I’m not cool with that, but I’m making an exception for you.” 

In that split second, Loki knew he had a choice. But this time, he knew how not to fuck it up. He moved the arm that Tony had been holding up and around the man’s side, pulling them closer together. He moved to tuck his chin over Tony’s head, clenching onto the last of his self control not to bury his nose in Tony’s hair and inhale the way he so desperately wanted to. “This okay?” He muttered, making it just arrogant enough that he could keep his pride. 

Tony’s hand felt around for his ass. “Now it is.” 

“Cuddler,” Loki swore, letting the hand stay firmly planted on his ass. He buried his nose into Tony’s hair and took a deep breath. Perfect. 

Loki didn’t remember Tony falling asleep. All he knew was that he was out like a light.

* * * 

“Well then maybe he should’ve read the contract,” Tony grumbled. Loki leaned up, blinking his sleep-laden eyes. Tony’s side of the bed was empty. “I can’t cater to some asshole who didn’t bother to have his lawyers read the fine print.” His voice was coming from the other side of the door.

Loki sat up. “Yeah? Well he can go ahead and we’ll sue his ass because I’m not—no, I heard what you said, and that’s what we’re doing.” Tony’s voice got louder. If he’d been holding back before, he was forgetting to now. Loki pushed back the covers. He wasn’t sure if he should open that door or not. “Then fucking figure it out!” 

It went silent. Loki set a hand on the bed, ready to get up again. “You do _not_ hang up on me. I’m not paying you to let assholes walk all over my company.” Tony’s voice grew thin as it drifted away. The apartment wasn’t that big. Loki could still hear him perfectly from the kitchen. His voice was echoing off the pots and pans. “Then maybe you should consider somewhere else.” 

“All you have to do is tell him he has to follow through with the contract.” 

“Yeah. You could’ve just done that in the first place.” 

“Right.” 

“Fine.” 

“Bye.” 

Loki took a deep breath. It didn’t surprise him to hear happy-go-lucky Tony angry, but it surprised him. He couldn’t say the feeling of anger was all that unfamiliar. Loki got up and went to the bedroom door. He grabbed some pants on the way out.

Tony looked at him sheepishly from the kitchen when he heard the bedroom door open. “Did I wake you up?” 

“What happened?” Loki asked, quickly walking through the living room and passing Tony in the kitchen doorframe. Tony ran his fingers through his hair. 

“I think I might be figuring out why my old man became such an ass sometimes.” Loki pulled open the fridge. Tony was still dressed in just his boxers. That was a good sign, at least. “I just need a good PA or something, so I don’t have to do the management stuff. I’m an engineer, not—” Loki glanced back to see Tony’s hand take an unenthusiastic nosedive downward. 

“I can understand the sentiment,” he said. Tony’s eyes darted behind him to the carton of eggs. “You know how to work the coffee pot,” Loki said with a sly smile. Tony seemed grateful to have something to do with his hands. “I can’t say I’ve ever had that sort of compassion for my old man though,” Loki said, starting up the burner. Eggs cracked against the side of the frying pan with loud crunches. He tossed the shells in a compost pot. “He’s a pure bastard.” 

Tony carefully navigated around him in the tiny kitchen to fill the coffee pot with water. As the sink ran he asked, “what’s the deal with him? Thor’s opinion of him changes all the time.” 

“Well for me,” Loki said, reaching for a wooden spoon, “he’s livid that I’m not waist deep in sports cars and off shore bank accounts.” The sizzling scent of eggs and spices filled the room. “For Thor, he’s happy when his cases are getting press, and angry when his cases are getting press.” 

Tony dumped the water inside of the coffee maker. “How’s that work out?” 

“Depends,” Loki said. He smiled to one side. “Thor will never be able to make him completely happy. He still hasn’t realized that yet.” Loki didn’t mind Tony asking these kinds of questions. Not at all, actually. It was nice to have someone to tell. Tony was silent as Loki reached into the spice cabinet. 

“And you?” 

Loki seasoned the dish without looking up. “I realized that I was a disappointment a long time ago.” He replaced one spice bottle for another. “It’s not as bad as you'd think, longterm. I’m out of that mess.” He hadn’t been fishing for sympathy, but he tacked that on at the end regardless. He didn’t want Tony to think that he had been. 

“You’re smart,” Tony said. Loki glanced over at him. “I mean, not to hold on like that. I worried for a long time.” Loki emptied the contents of the frying pan into a large dish. He grabbed the bread from last night. 

“I can’t be that smart,” Loki said, digging the knife in and rounding out perfect, thick slices again. “I still wound up here. Do you want jam on your toast?” The coffee pot began to beep. 

“Yeah. Sure, that’d be great.” Tony poured Loki a cup of coffee without asking about creamer. When Loki looked down he saw that it was exactly how he liked it. And as he sat down at the table with Tony, he couldn’t hold back from what he wanted. 

He dug a fork down into the egg dish and took a bite. One glance at the man said his praise would be just as effusive as the night before. Loki swallowed. He picked up his coffee mug. “Do you want to make something of this?” He asked. 

His eyes were trained on the table. He couldn’t look at Tony’s face directly, but his peripheral vision was perfect. Tony chewed the bite in his mouth uncharacteristically slowly. “I mean what we’re doing,” Loki added. 

He could almost hear Tony swallow. Tony didn’t answer right away. Loki glanced up at him, eyes hard. He took a sip of his coffee, trying to seem casual with one long leg stretched out beneath the table. A lock of hair fell over his bare chest. The hand he had on the table betrayed all of his tension. “What are we talking?” Tony asked, finally breathing in a little. “Like just hooking up on a regular basis, or something—”

“I want to see you,” Loki said resolutely. “And I don’t want to feel like I’m begging when I ask.” He didn’t know where the courage was coming from, but as he looked across the table at Tony, he was nothing but fearless. The want in his chest would have nothing else. Tony smiled, somewhere between anxious and maybe even, irritation. “I don’t mean you have to send me roses or some vapid nonsense,” Loki said. 

He could tell that Tony was chewing on his cheek, even if he was hiding it well. Otherwise, the man was still too difficult to read. “I’m still not sure what you’re asking, ink master.” There was definitely something defensive in that. Loki was certain of it. 

The answer was taking too long. Loki’s confidence was chipping. “Come over again. Just do this.” He shrugged. “Whenever we want, and we’ll see where it goes.” 

He held his breath. He was doing his best to appear cool and indifferent, but Tony didn’t seem to be paying too close of attention to him. When Tony spoke, that hard defensiveness still lingered in his voice. “You don’t have to ask for that. Anytime. But,” Tony hesitated. When he looked back at Loki it had that steely edge of that morning phone call. “But I’m not promising you anything. Just because we’re fucking doesn’t mean I’m going to owe you a favor.” 

Loki’s eyes narrowed. There was a lot more to that statement than Tony was letting him make sense of, he just knew it. He’d said things like that to people before. Knowing that, however, took none of the sting away. “I don’t want anything from you Stark,” he said. “Well, not anything you haven’t given me before.” It was the first time he’d called Tony by his last name, and it felt like a wedge the moment he said it. Well, it wasn’t like he was beyond his own defensiveness. At least that seemed to have impacted Tony. The man’s shoulders slumped forward a little. He took a bite out of his eggs. 

“Then yeah,” Tony said. He began eating with vigor again. “Fuck yeah.” 

Loki wasn’t sure whether he’d just won or completely wasted his time. He took the next bite lost in contemplation. Tony’s voice filled the silence. “Maybe you should come over to my place too. I could really use some good food.” 

“If you think I’m going to take a job as your personal chef you have lost your mind,” Loki said. He took a heavy sip of his coffee. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Tony said. “I bet you could make something amazing out of what I’ve got lying around though, or Jarvis could get things for you, when I get him working.” Tony shoved a lot of food in his mouth, as if to silence himself. Loki frowned. He did not like the slightest insinuation of being Tony’s personal chef at all. And really, the fucking nerve, using him for food if Tony was so intent on using him just for sex, after acting like Loki had the idea he was owed a favor. He’d flay the man alive if that were true. 

Suddenly he couldn’t hold back from asking the question. “Coming back to that,” Loki said. Tony stiffened. He seemed to sense where things were going already. Loki drummed his fingers against the table and then shot Tony with a deadly glare. He fucking hated asking this. It felt so god damn needy, and yet he had to ask. “You’re not just fucking me to see how many tattoos you can plant your lips on, are you?” 

Tony almost choked on his food. His eyes watered. He wiped away the tears that spilled down his face. “No,” he said. “And, by the way, think my lips have been on all of them.” Tony wiped his hands on a napkin, eyes cast down. “But I like _you_ , if that’s what you’re getting at.” 

“It is.” 

Tony cleared his throat. He toyed with the napkin in his hand. When his voice came, it was just as hard as Loki’s had been. “You’re not just fucking me to mess with your brother or get with my company, are you?” 

“No. I like you,” Loki said immediately. It was flat and sincere, and utterly simple. Tony seemed surprised, judging by the way his head snapped up. He went back to toying with the napkin, but there was a little unconscious smile on his lips. 

“Do you have more of this?” Tony asked, nudging his plate forward. Loki took his own plate and dumped it onto Tony’s. The man didn’t seem entirely sure what to think about that. 

“I’ll make you some more,” Loki said. “But you can finish that. It’s not like your tongue hasn’t been down my throat before.” 

As he turned back to the stove, he heard Tony laugh. “I really like you,” Tony said, fork scraping the plate as he took a forkful. 

“Do you want jam on your toast again?” 

“Yeah.” 

Loki answered like Tony had just passed an obvious test. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you think of the characters/attitudes/motivations/scenes/what's happening!  
> thanks for reading! :)


	3. Chapter 3

His brakes squealed as he pulled up outside of Tony’s house. Mansion. Disgustingly lavish glass architecture bullshit that he wasn’t a little bit envious of. Loki threw the car into park and slumped back in his seat. 

He stared at the house in silent contemplation. While winding around rolling hills, passing houses that got more and more luxurious and further apart, Loki had been pitching a mental fit about the gas. He was not going to scrape by this week. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. 

Tony owned real estate and he couldn’t afford to top off his gas tank. Loki rubbed his hand under his chin, staring at the mirrored windows. A shadow fell over his face from the sun visor. It was crooked. The visor fell out of the ceiling haphazardly and he hadn’t been able to fix that problem. Someday he’d drive a Rolls-Royce, he swore. 

It had only been a day before Tony texted him this time. 

It turned out that Tony texted a lot. 

Loki took his phone out of his pocket and looked at the last one. _Be here at 6, okay?_ He glanced at the clock. It was 6:10. He’d been sitting here too long.

He thought about Tony’s arms and that look he got on his face when something amused him. Loki’s hand set on the car door, just above the handle. God, what would he have thought of himself if he’d seen who he was now a year ago? He wouldn’t have been hesitating in his fucking car, he would’ve strolled up like he owned the place. Loki’s hand unwittingly turned into a fist. This anxiety was beneath him. 

He shoved the car door open. It squealed on the hinges. He kicked it shut. Digging his hands in his pockets, Loki started for the front door. 

He paused at the doorbell. It was not too late to go back. Loki stared at the ordinary rectangular button, wondering why a man like Tony Stark had such a low tech option. The door swung open. 

Loki froze, narrowly averting his surprised jump. “Hey,” Tony said. He stepped aside for Loki to come in. “Well, this is it,” he said, locking the door behind them. 

“Shouldn’t your butler be the one letting me in?” Loki teased him, all smooth and level snark. He felt more at ease with his wit. 

Tony scratched the back of his neck. “There’s only one guy I’d trust on security, and he’s already my driver. I tried to get him to take on the twenty-four seven job but he wouldn’t bite. Said he needed to sleep or something.” He grinned at Loki. “I’ll have to invent someone who doesn’t have that problem.” 

“Invent,” Loki repeated. “Is it that simple?” He gave Tony a condescending once over before letting a smirk show on his lips. As Tony answered him, he took in Tony’s house. From the front entry way it was surprisingly bleak. Everything was metal and neutral colors. There was the distinct mark of an interior designer in the furnishings. 

“Yeah,” Tony was saying. “For me. Genius, you know?” 

Loki gave him a look. “I had no idea.” 

“I can’t tell whether you’re being serious or not,” Tony said, stepping in closer. He turned his head to the side as if really examining him. Loki felt his heart rate quicken. 

“I suppose you’ll have to figure that out on your own,” Loki said, taking a few steps at random towards a door to the left. 

“Woah there Pete Wentz, the lab’s off limits to civilians.” Tony laughed, but it was clearly not a joke. He rushed to walk in front of Loki. Tony’s hand slipped around Loki’s shoulders and dropped down to his back, as low as it could be without touching his ass while Tony pushed him in the other direction. The sudden touch was appealing, but for all of the lightness in Tony’s tone, his face showed none of it. “Can’t have you blowing off your fingers. It’s a liability thing.”

“You would mourn the loss of my fingers,” Loki said. 

“Yeah, probably,” Tony said, voice a little anxious. Loki let Tony lead him into the living room, feeling slightly guilty although he’d done absolutely nothing wrong. It was not his fault that he didn’t know Tony’s lab door, let alone the issues around that. Loki tried not to feel too put out. Tony’s hand slipped away as he went to the massive leather couch. 

There were open Chinese food containers sprawled across a coffee table. Loki’s attention immediately fell on a plate that had already been started. “Food got here like fifteen minutes ago,” Tony said. He plunked down on the couch and picked his plate up, resuming where he’d left off. “Take whatever you want,” Tony said with half of a mouthful. The television was on, playing some sitcom.

Loki gave the containers a cursory scan as he sat down. He hadn’t eaten out in a couple of months, and that still wasn’t enough for him to perk up. He took a set of disposable chopsticks and cracked them open with a loud split. He slowly picked through the flimsy paper boxes, taking one piece of fried meat over another as if there were some extraordinary difference between them. A low grade irritation coursed through him as his attention continually flicked back to Tony’s started meal. The brunette had finished half of his plate before Loki had even filled his. 

Loki ate slowly, squeezing the chopsticks a little too hard on the soft flesh between them. Tony laughed at something on the television. Loki couldn’t pay attention to it. He took one last disappointed glance at the open containers and set his half full plate down beside Tony’s empty one. Tony laughed again. The laugh track played. Loki looked over the room. There were three identical coffee makers on the far wall. Everything was hopelessly symmetrical and generic. He spotted the crumbled up take out receipt under the coffee table and felt like he’d happened on some big secret. 

He took a slow breath. He didn’t want to watch television and chill. He wanted Tony’s attention to be on him, and he was bitter that Tony hadn’t picked something a little less passive to do. Loki leaned away from him on the couch. His mind flashed to sitting in the car outside of Tony’s house. 

He heard Tony clear his throat and ignored it as he stared at a photograph on the shelf on the far wall. It was the only personal thing in the room. A middle aged man with a thick mustache and crisp suit stared at them from a thin silver frame. At the distance, Loki couldn’t tell much about the man’s features. He felt something on his thigh. 

When he looked back, Tony was staring at him with intoxicatingly seductive brown eyes. The hand on his thigh moved up a little higher as Tony grinned. Tony had to move himself over on the couch to reach Loki and lean in, pressing his lips to the corner of Loki’s mouth first and then sliding his tongue slowly along Loki’s bottom lip. 

Loki took a deep breath, parting his lips to let Tony in without a second thought. His hand slid up back around Tony’s head, greedily carding his fingers through the man’s gelled hair. Tony’s chest sank against his, moaning as Loki’s ravenous tongue devoured. Loki didn’t pause to think. He just took, starved. 

They’d never taken much time to kiss, it was always a prelude to everything else, and Loki had never cared. He didn’t even realize that he wanted it until Tony was pulling back from him, gasping for air. Tony’s hand set on his chest and kept him back. Loki could smell him, the rich blend of amber scents and overpriced shit that Tony showered with. Tony took another deep breath, staring at the floor before his eyes slowly set back on Loki with a hungry glint. His mouth returned to Loki’s neck instead. In the same instant, Loki’s body eagerly responded and his mind stumbled back disappointed. 

Before Tony’s lips could reach his shoulder, Loki grabbed Tony’s shirt collar and tried to guide him back to his mouth. Tony laughed uncomfortably. He glanced at Loki and then just bent down and kissed the hollow of his neck instead. Tony’s hand grazed against the waist of his jeans. Loki shifted on the couch, ruining their balance. 

Tony leaned up and returned with a kiss on his eager lips. As Loki melted into that, satisfied that he could enjoy the immediacy of Tony’s hot breath in his lungs and the slide of his tongue, Tony’s hand slipped into his pants. It was a moment before he realized, and he wasn’t focused on anything but want as he bucked into Tony’s rough and enthusiastic hand. He heard his own moan in his ears and felt Tony’s hand take his, guiding him to Tony’s own eager erection. 

It was moments before Tony came with a shout. He slumped against Loki, giving Loki just a moment to slide a little downward from his own lustful high, to open his eyes and see Tony’s slack lips and orgasm struck face in their raw entirety. And then Tony was back, quickly reciprocating, and Loki was sliding back up in that needy rush. It was over in seconds. The disappointment set in even before he’d finished coming. 

Tony slouched against him, grinning toothily. Loki swallowed. It was too rushed to be satisfying, and he hadn’t gotten enough of what he wanted. He slid away from Tony’s weight. Then he realized that he had no idea where anything was. He didn’t turn back around. “Where’s your bathroom?” 

“First door down the hall,” Tony said. Loki started for it. He needed to splash some fucking water in his face. He walked quickly. “Meet me upstairs,” Tony called over to him when he’d almost reached the hallway. “The, uh, first room on the balcony.” He heard the couch groan as Tony got up. He grabbed the bathroom door. 

He washed his hands before splashing cold water in his face, feeling fucking uncool for being disappointed. He did his best to clean himself up, getting pissier about the situation. He gave the reflection in the mirror a withering sneer. What did he think that he was doing here? And since when did he fucking care? He shouldn’t be preening over Tony and eating cheap takeout on a genuine leather sofa. This was beneath him and he wasn’t enough at the same time. He scratched a hand through his hair, tussling his dark locks and stretching his back. He needed to stop thinking. This was supposed to be fun.

When he opened the bathroom door, he realized that he had no idea where the stairs were. Loki grew more annoyed with Tony’s oblivious oversight with each room he walked through. If he didn’t show up fast enough, Tony would probably think that he was in his precious lab. 

Loki finally happened upon a white staircase. He took the steps quickly. The first room was cracked open. Inside it was dark, with nothing but the lightly colored bedspread standing out. It looked like a guest bedroom. A few steps closer and he saw the starry sky outside, the open balcony door, and a flickering citronella candle with Tony’s outline beside it. 

Tony was drinking a glass of hard alcohol, sloshing ice cubes back and forth. He brightened when Loki came out onto the balcony, pushing the door open wider. Loki saw that a second drink had been set aside for him. “I hope you like scotch,” Tony said. 

Loki eased into the chair, taking the glass from the low table between them. He glanced up at the sky. “Are you trying to woo me with astronomy?” He asked dryly, taking a sip. 

“Tell me if it’s working,” Tony said crisply. He took a long breath. Loki glanced at the candle. It was thick, and had obviously been used a lot. Loki assumed that Tony brought his dates up here often. Probably dates that giggled and easily stroked Tony’s ego. He spun the liquid in his glass, wondering what Tony’s honest preferences were. 

“I’ll need some time to decide,” Loki said. 

Tony chuckled. “Yeah,” he said. “Seemed like you could use it.” 

“Excuse me?” Loki asked, the low-grade irritation he’d been cramming down all night flying out. 

Tony turned to look at him. There was something in his expression that implied that Loki already knew the answer, or that Tony thought he was just playing dumb. Tony moved his glass to the table and stared at the brim beneath his fingers. “A break,” Tony finally decided, picking the glass back up and taking a drink as he stared skyward. 

Loki couldn’t decide whether he should be angry at that answer or not. It sounded too heavy in Tony’s voice. Maybe Tony pitied him too, or he’d started talking to Thor about him—Loki’s thoughts were interrupted by the sudden addition of Tony’s fingers on his forearm. They trailed up and down, disturbing the pliant hairs there and distorting the lines of his tattoos. 

“Tell me about you,” Tony said. Loki looked to Tony’s face for direction, but there were no clues to his tone there. Tony’s focus was on the clear night sky. His hand didn’t leave Loki though, and there was something calming about that. Loki stared at Tony’s rumpled red shirt instead and wondered what to say. 

He had nothing. What was he supposed to tell Tony? What did Tony want to hear? Loki bit on his lip. “You know my fucked up family already,” Loki ventured. His heart sank. There was absolutely nothing he could tell Tony that would impress. He swallowed. “I like long walks on the beach and sunsets,” he said. 

“No, asshole,” Tony said, shoving his arm a little bit. “That’s not what I mean.” 

When he couldn’t think of what Tony wanted, Loki raised an eyebrow. “Are you always this obtuse?” 

Tony let go of him and rubbed the side of his face. Even in the dark, Loki could see that his cheeks were a little redder from the scotch. “I’m trying to figure you out,” Tony said. He set his glass down. “What do you want? You’re not like Thor, and you don’t want what daddy wants, but you’re not working either.” Tony said it like it was a puzzle, but it cut like a paring knife. Loki took a drink, deliberately ignoring the eyes trained on him to stare at his glass instead. Tony seemed to pick up on that. He didn’t wait any longer for an answer. “I told you about Obadiah fucking me over, right?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. He picked at a frayed string on his jeans while the hand on his glass slid in the condensation. 

Tony kicked his foot forward, easing himself back into more of a slump in his chair. “Bastard fucked me over, there’s no getting around that.” He scratched the back of his ear. “But I was more of an entitled prick back then. I guess it was easier to screw me over.” His voice lingered. “I hate it, but it humbled me, and I came back out of it.” Loki listened, holding his breath. “I hate that it happened, and I hate him, but I think I’m kind of okay for it.” 

Loki held that breath in tighter. Tony was trying to offer some piece of advice or comfort, maybe. That, or he just told that story over and over again to anyone that would listen and Loki was just now figuring that out. Loki’s gaze dropped to the ground. It wasn’t the same. Tony had gotten out of it. Tony had risen back up, and Loki had…he glanced at Tony. For the first time, he felt envious. 

Tony was giving him a sloppy smile. Instinctively, Loki knew that if he did nothing, Tony would get him to share something. And tonight, Loki wasn’t ready to do that. Maybe before, in his own apartment before any of this place seemed real. Not now. “I don’t think I’ve enjoyed enough of your mouth,” Loki said, standing up. 

If Tony was disappointed that Loki was diverting them, it didn’t show anywhere on his face. He got up, following Loki to the bed in the next room and flopping down beside him. 

They made out for a while, but Tony was sloppy and the drink had gone to his head a little too much, and Loki could taste it. He leaned back, his head falling into the pillow. “I think that’s enough,” he said. Tony rolled over and wrapped his arms around Loki’s chest. Loki froze. There was a warmth blooming in him from this simple, stupid action. He’d wanted this part too. 

“Exception,” Tony muttered into his neck. 

Loki didn’t say anything. He let the contentment ease into his bones. He wanted this simple, easy thing, and he wanted it to be with Tony. He closed his eyes. Fervently, he wished that the pieces would click together already. He felt like an ass tonight. Tony muttered something. Loki listened closely, but in a minute it turned into low, shallow breathing. That sound lured Loki to sleep, stealing him from his overworked thoughts. 

When he stirred, Tony was pulling away from him and muttering in his ear. “—go—work.—for—you.” Loki barely woke, and drifted right back to sleep. 

The room was flooded with sunlight when he woke up. Loki thought to grab his phone and remembered that it was in his pocket. He reached back into his jeans and found nothing. Sitting up in the bed, he spotted it on the nightstand. He must’ve put it there and forgotten. 

There were three texts from Tony waiting. 

_I had to go to work and you don’t seem like a morning person. Didn’t think I’d try my luck._

_There’s coffee downstairs. The packs are in the bottom drawer. Eat whatever you want, but I’m not sure if my peasant food is up to your standards ;)_

_Shower’s the second door. Lock the front door behind you on your way out._

Loki stared at his phone for a while, analyzing it. He pulled himself out of the bed and walked one door down the hall. 

Cracking the bathroom door open, he flipped on the light. It was spotless. Loki had the delayed realization that Tony’s house was routinely cleaned by a professional service. He glanced at the shampoos lining the wall. For a moment, he was lured by the thought of smelling each one to see which Tony used, but the interest died a moment later. This felt like the first private space of Tony’s that he’d been in, and he didn’t feel like he could freely cross that line yet. He clicked the door shut and went downstairs. 

The kitchen was easy enough to find and figure out. The coffee was brewed from a small, disposable plastic cup. There was half of a box of cereal and some breakfast granola bars in a cabinet. Loki sat at the table and ate, figuring that this meal could make up for some of the money he’d lost on gas. He stayed there for a long time, lost in thought. 

When he finally got up, his phone buzzed. It was Tony. _Up yet? :)_

_yeah_

_Find everything?_

_yes_

_I’m in a meeting, it’s so boring I might die._

Loki sat back down in the chair. He leaned back, aiming the phone at a flattering angle and giving the camera his slyest grin. His hair was a wreck, but he thought Tony would probably be into it. _Poor baby. I’m working hard too._

He got up and slipped his phone into his back pocket. He’d just cleared his place when it buzzed again. _Rub it in, why don’t you._

Loki held the phone in his hand, wondering if he should tease a little bit further. It buzzed again before he could make a decision. _My turn to present. I’ll call tonight._ Loki read the last sentence again. He hadn’t realized that he was doubting that Tony would want to keep things going until that sentence surprised him. 

He left the empty house wondering what he’d gotten himself into and how far he was willing to go.

Loki drove home with the windows down and the music up. When he unlocked his apartment door he felt at ease again. Kicking it shut behind him, he went to the couch and slumped down. _Just come over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I'm using too much description or too little, but please let me know your thoughts on all of it! :) I want to expand on some things longer than my outline so there'll be a few more chapters to come at least.


	4. Chapter 4

They were seated at Loki’s kitchen table. Tony had his arm across the middle of it, and Loki’s left hand was set over his wrist as if to keep him in place. There was an ink pen in his other hand. 

The wine in Loki’s glass shook as he jostled the table a little bit, changing the position that he sat in. Behind them were three other wine bottles that Tony had brought “for future reference”. 

Tony’s eyes followed the pen as it slid along his skin. “You can’t draw.” 

“Not worth shit,” Loki agreed. He’d never graduated past the juvenile sketches from his middle school notebooks. Tony didn’t withdraw his forearm, though. The forming robot was sophomoric but it gave him the chance to play on Tony’s skin. 

“Are those laser eyes?” Tony asked. He nodded his head towards the straight line Loki had just drawn. Loki didn’t come out of his hunched position. He answered without looking up. 

“Are you going to tell me that your robots don’t have laser eyes?” 

Tony chuckled, messing up the line. Loki hissed. He kept working, going back over the line with more ink. “I’ll add them now,” Tony said. This had all started because he’d been running his mouth off about getting inked again, and Loki had seized on the opportunity. He was hoping to push it to drawing in other places. There was a banging sound above. 

It thudded against the ceiling twice. The light flickered. It was quiet for a moment, and then the pounding started again. “Shut the fuck up,” Loki yelled, eyes not flicking away from Tony’s forearm for a moment. He felt Tony tense beneath his hand. 

A voice yelled back down to Loki’s ceiling. They could hear it coming clearly from Loki’s open bedroom window, into the kitchen. “Cram it, you skinny bastard!” 

“Neighbor,” Loki said dismissively. Tony’s arm shifted as he readjusted himself in the chair. 

“Don’t get along, huh?” 

“This is us getting along,” Loki said. He added another flourish to the design so that he wouldn’t have to stop drawing. Tony took a loud breath. “Those are the names of our wifi.” 

“I think I’m on someone else’s then,” Tony said. “One of the netgear ones.” 

“You’d better hurry up and download some porn,” Loki said. 

“I’d rather be uploading some,” Tony said. Loki scoffed and let go of his arm. Tony held the design up to his face. “On second thought, I can’t be seen with this.” 

Loki stared at the makeshift tattoo. It was pretty terrible. He started to laugh. Then he was laughing so hard that tears were coming to his eyes. “I look like I’ve been stuck in detention,” Tony said. Tony smiled, clearly enjoying the attention that he was getting. He turned his arm so that Loki could get a better look at the overdone robot. “Is this funny to you?” 

“Hilarious,” Loki said, wiping his eye and reaching for his wine. He took a heavy sip as Tony stared at his arm. 

“This is going to take a couple of days to wash off,” Tony said, rubbing part of the design and smearing the ink. 

Loki leaned back in his chair. “Let me add one where no one else will see.” 

“I think you’ve done enough damage,” Tony said. It was light and teasing, so Loki knew it was fine. “But I’ll let you look for a better place to put one,” Tony said. He grinned, waiting. 

“Fine, but I’ll need to see everything,” Loki said, getting up from the table. Tony followed him to the bedroom, shrugging off his shirt and turning around to show off his back as he asked Loki if he saw anything he liked. Loki smacked his ass instead and it was all a rush from there. 

It was more like the first time, besides stopping in the middle to slam the window shut after yelling from the upstairs neighbor. Tony had laughed, and seemed turned on by it. They ended up separate from each other, sweaty and flushed. Loki closed his eyes and fell into the pillow. He was still catching his breath when Tony got up to crack the window. “It’s fucking hot in here,” Tony said. He rolled it up with a hard shove. The street cars and neighborhood noise filled the room. Somewhere a dog was barking its head off. 

The bed sank with Tony’s weight. He sat with his back against the headboard, keeping the sheets far from his bare skin. Loki glanced over at him and got slammed by the desire to have him again. Tony’s brown eyes were darting across the bedroom. He scratched a hand across the beard that was responsible for burns in several places on Loki. “What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?” The bed groaned as he angled himself towards Loki. “And you can’t say me, because obvious answers are boring.” 

Loki broke into a smile. “Narcissist,” he said. His thoughtful gaze drifted across the popcorn ceiling. A vacuum was running above. “Back of the kitchen. This short waitress with a great rack that I’d been flirting with for weeks.” A cunning grin spread across his face. “Against the wall, right after close. The front of the house was still cleaning up, they probably heard her she was so god damn loud.” He propped the side of his head against his hand as he stared up at Tony. “It was great.” 

“Did you see her after that?” 

Loki shrugged. “We got together again once after that but there was nothing between us.” He left out the part about the total power rush it had been the first time to have the person he’d been lusting after be just as wanting of him. “It kind of spoiled the memory of the first time.” Or rather, he found her boring to talk to and she could charm the hell out of anyone, and she wasn’t about to put up with him once she’d gotten what she wanted. “What about you?”

“Weapons conference in Belgium. A married couple, actually. They thought they’d get some contracts out of it.” Tony laughed. “It was damn good, but the joke was on them. I didn’t do shit for them afterwards.” He rubbed his nose. “Oh, and they literally had a sex dungeon in their house. It was…kinky,” Tony decided. “Fun once, but I wouldn’t want a repeat.” He stretched his legs, flexing his foot. “I saw them try the same stunt at another conference a few months later with another guy.” Tony chuckled. “Dumb bastard really fucked himself over. He signed a shit contract and we bought out what was left of his company a month later.” 

Loki chewed on the inside of his swollen lip, not really sure what to say to that. It seemed like Tony’s world could get very dark, in a way with more power than he’d ever played with. Perhaps if he’d stayed working for his own father he’d know. “The worst I ever had,” Tony said. “Was this chick in college. She expected me to do everything, and she was over acting it the whole time and I think she just wanted to tell her friends that she’d slept with me—” Tony grimaced. “It was awkward as hell.” He turned his head towards Loki. “You?” 

“You,” Loki said, pointing a lazy finger towards him and sniggering. 

“Jackass,” Tony said. 

“You didn’t set any rules about the worst,” Loki said. The room was quiet for a moment. Loki sat up so that he wouldn’t be looking up at Tony anymore. “It was a couple of years back. There was this guy in my restaurant that—probably just wanted to get a promotion or something and thought I’d give him a leg up. Dumbass didn’t realize that the owner did the hiring.” Loki swallowed. He felt his forehead crease as he thought of the freckle faced bastard. “Fucker.” 

“What happened?” 

“I went over to his place after work. He was anxious and young, and a sneaky little shit.” Loki scratched a hand through his hair. “He gave me the most boring blowjob of my life, I ended up making a list of all the ingredients I was supposed to buy the next day the entire time. He said that he wanted to top but it was obvious before we did anything that he didn’t know what he was doing and I wasn’t going to be his guinea pig. I left.” Loki frowned. “I shouldn’t have gone over. I was…being careless and just went with it. I didn’t think about it.” Loki dropped his hand on the bed. “And then the bastard went and told everyone the next day how he gave me the best sex of my life,” Loki said with resigned scorn. 

Tony grinned, moving a little bit closer on the bed. “How’d that work out?” 

“He was mysteriously fired that week for stealing an expensive cut of bluefin tuna.” 

“What’d you do with it?” Tony asked. 

“I hid it in the bottom of the freezer. When it was found, he was long gone and someone else got blamed for it.” 

Tony smiled like he was contented by that thought and eased back down onto the bed. Another dog started barking. His eyes fell half shut as he stared at something on Loki’s desk. Loki gazed down at the man, wondering how their lives intersected. Sharing those stories made him feel closer and disconnected at the same time. “What’s your type?” Loki asked. “I mean, if you could fuck whoever you wanted.” 

Usually, Tony snapped back with a reply. This time he was delayed. Loki wondered if it was because he was considering the answer or just lost in his own thoughts. “I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up,” Tony said. He let it hang there for Loki to interpret. The heat crept in from outside. Above, a window rolled open. 

“Me either,” Loki said quietly. 

“You?” Tony asked lightly. “I’d think that you and Thor would be Thing One and Thing Two.” 

“Thor was the problem,” Loki said. “I…didn’t fit in with him or his…friends,” he said. He slumped down in the bed, his head still back against the headboard and giving him a little bit of height against Tony. “It stayed that way. I was an honor student in high school and…” Loki was so busy reliving those memories that he didn’t pause to filter what came next. “I didn’t think like other people. It was hard to find someone on my level.”

Tony rolled over fast, springing back to life. “Yeah,” Tony said. “It sucks, doesn’t it? Like you really want them to get it and they stare at you like you’re trying to show off.” There was a brightness in his eyes that Loki had never seen. “I was in college when I was still a kid, sort of, and people were quick to give me a beer, and they’d sleep with me, but they didn’t want to talk about abstractions or shit, even regular people stuff.” He leaned onto his side, close enough that Loki could reach out and touch him if he wanted. There was something eager there that made Loki want to smile. He let a sly grin slip on instead. 

“You didn’t answer my question.” 

Tony rolled onto his back and put his hands under his head. “Someone that could keep up with me.” He closed his eyes. “That’d be enough.” He yawned, and Loki found himself thinking that it was fake. He eased himself down further on the bed. 

“I’d like that too,” he said. He didn’t say it sweetly, or make it cloying. Tony’s eyes opened towards him, but they were neutral. Loki rolled onto his side instead. “I’ve never found it,” he said. Tony’s gaze drifted over him. Loki dropped his arm in front of his chest. “I don’t think they get it,” Loki said. A car honked as it drove by. 

“Who?” Tony asked. 

Loki frowned. There was a crack in the wall behind Tony. He should probably stick a poster over it. “Most people.” Loki yawned. His gaze set back on Tony. “Are you going to snore tonight?” Tony’s focus lingered on him a moment longer before his expression changed. 

“I don’t snore. I’ve got a fucking sleep widget, I know I don’t,” Tony said. 

Loki smirked. “Oh, but you do.” 

“Whatever,” Tony said. “You talk.” 

“About what?” Loki asked, haughtily closing his eyes and rolling onto his back as if this whole scenario were beneath him. 

“How much you want me,” Tony teased. “Oh, Tony! Do that again!” 

Loki shoved his arm. “Tony!” Tony cried mockingly. 

“Shut the fuck up Tony!” The upstairs neighbor yelled as Loki poked at Tony. The man started to laugh as Loki rolled his eyes. 

“He’s going to be a bastard about that,” Loki said. The neighbor would probably start crying it out all the time. Tony’s hand set on Loki’s hip. He fixed Loki with a genuine grin. 

“It’s too fucking hot for you to latch onto me,” Tony said, closing his eyes. “Don’t give me heat stroke,” he mumbled as if he was falling asleep.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Loki answered. He didn’t move. He listened to the innocuous sounds coming through the window as he turned the conversation back over in his head. He didn’t fall asleep easily. It was a long time before Tony’s hand went limp and fell from his hip as the man fell asleep. Loki wondered if Tony had been lying there thinking things through too. 

In the morning, Tony got out of bed like his ass was on fire. He told Loki he was late and couldn’t have breakfast. He was in and out of the bathroom before Loki could even get out of bed. Loki watched Tony wave goodbye and shut the front door from the frame of his bedroom door naked. He turned back around and went to bed. 

An hour later he woke to knocking. Loki glared at the ceiling, kicking the covers off furiously and grabbing a pair of sweatpants. He was going to chew the upstairs bastard out for daring to knock on the door this early in the morning. Stomping to the front door, he threw it open to find his mother staring back at him. 

Her composed face sunk immediately. “Dear,” she said. “What happened?” He stepped back to let her inside, rubbing a hand over his face and praying that Tony hadn't left any marks. “You weren’t answering your phone, Loki.” When he turned back from shutting the door her hand came to his cheek. “You’re clammy, are you sick? This apartment is sweltering Loki, turn the air on.” She gave him a look that sunk into his heart and made him sorry against his will. 

“It’s fine,” he said. “Mum, I just woke up.” 

She gave him the same assessing look that had made him go to school when he was faking a fever. Then she started for the kitchen. “I’m glad you finally cleaned up your living room—oh Loki, is this what you’re spending your money on?” She picked up one of the bottles from the counter. “Loki, one of these is eighty dollars.” 

“It was a promotional thing, from one of the vendors,” Loki said, trying to ease away her furrowed brow and big eyes. 

“You found another job?” She asked, lighting up. 

Loki shook his head. He couldn’t pull a lie that big, especially not with her. “No, I went to a convention for restaurants, looking.” 

“And they gave away eighty dollar promotions?” She asked, voice rife with skepticism. 

“No, it was a raffle.” Loki was brushing his hair with his fingers, trying to look presentable. His shoulders dropped. “Mum,” he said. She ignored his plea and opened up the refrigerator. It was fairly empty, aside from a couple of Chinese take out boxes from Tony’s place. 

“Sit down,” she said. Loki refused to glance towards the table. He crossed his arms over his uncomfortably bare chest. Undeterred, his mother took her purse off her shoulder and hung it on the back of a chair. She sat down at the table. The two wine glasses were still there. Flinching, Loki took them both and set them in the sink. 

“I was experimenting with pairings,” Loki said, hoping that would explain the two glasses away. He knew it was a slim chance. His mother wasn’t stupid. “Would you like to try some?” 

“No thank you,” she said as her son sat down. Loki took a deep breath. He knew exactly what was coming. “So you’re looking,” she said. “Have you found any leads yet?” Loki shook his head. “You have to put yourself out there, Loki. You’re not going to find a job lying in your apartment all day.” He couldn’t constrain the eye roll. He tried, and failed. “Loki,” she said. “I’m worried about you.” 

“There is no need to worry,” he said. 

She set her hand on the table, close to him. He didn’t dare to look her in the face. She was far more cunning than she let on, and he knew whatever look he found there would make him stumble and fall. “Loki. You can’t go on like this. You’re too brilliant to be wasting away.” He scoffed, directing a glare towards the copper pots hanging above them. “You need to start something new,” she said. 

They’d had that conversation before. “I’ll figure it out,” he told her. 

They sat in silence. She waited and waited. Then she reached back and grabbed her purse, pulling out an envelope. He heard her wallet click open and her add more bills. His chest tightened. “Don’t argue,” she told him. “Take this and buy groceries, not wine.” She got up from the table. “We sent you to study in Paris so that you’d get ahead, not indulge.” 

“I didn’t get them for that,” Loki snapped, finally looking at her. Her face was stern. 

“This has been going on too long,” she told Loki. She walked until she was standing over him. “I don’t like seeing my little boy like this,” she said, combing hair back from his face with long fingers. He flinched, wondering how much she would perceive while unwillingly taking comfort from the motion as well. “You know I used to change your diapers,” she teased him. 

He rolled his eyes, pushing the chair back out of her reach and getting up. “There’s no need for the doting mother act,” he said. She started walking towards the door with him beside her. As he grabbed the door to open it for him, she placed her hand on his arm. 

“You know that I love you, Loki.” 

“I know,” he said quietly. 

“Call if you need something.” He nodded his head, knowing that if he did call his father would answer. “Oh I almost forgot,” she said, reaching into her purse and pulling out a manilla envelope. “I need you to give this to Thor this week.” Loki took the thick envelope. It was opaque meddling, but he knew that he couldn’t say no. 

“Okay,” he said. 

She didn’t hug him as she usually did, but gave him a warm smile that would wreck havoc and guilt in his chest for the next few hours as he tried to beat it down with what was left of the open wine bottle and playing a game on his phone. He decided that it was better to go over to Thor’s that afternoon so that the rest of the week could be left fully open for Tony. He sent his brother a text to expect him and then went to take a shower. 

He checked himself in the mirror for marks and found nothing. Once he’d showered, he dressed in a graphic t-shirt and some dark wash jeans. Loki glanced inside of the manilla envelope and found records of accounts. Unimpressed, he kicked his feet up on his coffee table and flipped on the television. Thor would get back from work around five. He’d show up, drop it off, and leave. 

 

Thor texted that the door was unlocked. When he got there, Loki cracked it open and heard voices coming from the kitchen. It sounded like Thor’s friends. He let the door fall shut. Stan-Steve-Stewart was just visible from the counter that they’d all gathered around. Sam (Sammy?) and Clint (Clay?) were there too. One of the blondes spotted him. Loki decided that he had to have been called Stan. “Thor just went to the bathroom, he’ll be back in a minute.” The man grinned and then went right back to the conversation they were having. 

Loki took a seat on the couch. He wanted to warn Thor that their parents were up to meddling again and see if they’d tried anything on Thor before he left. Loki could hear Thor’s friends perfectly. They didn’t seem to mind. Whatever they were talking about had them engaged and excited. 

“I said no, man,” Sam said. “I didn’t want to get involved like that. It’s not my style.” 

“You’re smarter than Steve,” Clint said. Loki dully realized that he'd gotten the name wrong. 

“Yeah?” Sam asked, laughing a little. “What’s the story there?” 

After a pause and some expression that Loki couldn’t see from the couch, Steve answered. His hand flew to the side in a gesture. “Okay, first, remember I hadn’t been around much and he’s nice, okay? I’d already known him for a while and it felt like it’d be an alright first time. With a guy.” Clint snickered and playfully shoved his shoulder before taking a swig of his beer. “He was nice about it,” Steve said, setting that straight. 

Loki drummed his fingers along the manilla envelope. He found the conversation bland and hoped that Thor would hurry up. 

“But,” Sam said, obviously keyed in. 

“He talked afterward,” Steve said. The man rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. “I mean, a little pillow talk is fine, whatever, but this was like—I’ve known him for eight years and I’ve _never_ heard him share personal things like that.” 

“Like what?” Clint asked, a little more sensitively. 

Steve hesitated. “About his dad, or something…it was a few years ago, when he was dealing with his company’s problems. Something about the accident, I don’t really remember.” Steve paused. “I think he thought the accident was planned or something and I just thought he was being paranoid or holding on.” Steve shrugged his shoulders and let out a shaky laugh. “Yeah, totally not what you want to hear about right after the first time, you know?” 

“That sucks,” Clint said. 

“Has he ever brought it up again?” Sam asked. 

“Nope,” Steve said. His beer rattled against the counter as he picked it up. “I tried talking to him about it afterwards, but he blew me off. I’ve never heard him say anything else about it.” 

“Huh,” Sam said. He stood back from the counter and took a drink.

“Can you imagine if you’d said yes?” Clint asked. “On fucking New Year’s Eve?”

“Guys,” Steve said. “Come on. Go easy. I didn’t share that so you could make fun of him.” His reproachful tone caused Clint to back off. 

“Aww, you know I didn’t mean anything,” Clint said. “I like the guy, even though he can be a snarky ass.” 

Steve took another drink. “Yeah,” he agreed. 

“What about after that?” Sam asked. “Did you ever try again?” 

“No,” Steve said. “I like Tony but I don’t think I can do that again. We’re just friends.” 

The bathroom door swung open. Distantly, Loki could feel that his eyes were wide and white. “Oh, you’re here,” Thor said, walking over to the couch. The conversation between his friends continued but Loki couldn’t hear any more of it over Thor’s voice. “What’d she give you this time?” 

“Just some accounting,” Loki said, standing up from the couch and extending the heavy packet towards his brother. “Probably want you to do their taxes or some bullshit.” 

“Ah,” Thor sighed, at ease as he sat down on the couch. He popped the envelope open and glanced inside. Then he cast it aside onto the coffee table. “They’ve been talking about you lately,” Thor said. Loki didn’t care right now. “You wanna stay? We were going to order in pizza.” 

“No,” Loki said. Thor was used to his brief appearances. He didn’t try to persuade him to stay or seem distraught that he was leaving. They parted with a simple goodbye. Loki heard the door bolt shut behind him. He started for the car and reached into his pocket. _Busy tonight?_ He texted Tony. 

When he fell asleep on the couch that night there still wasn’t an answer.


	5. Chapter 5

The answer came at four in the morning, when Loki was asleep. _in lab_

Loki didn’t find it until eleven the next day. He sat up in bed, staring at his phone with a particularly sour face. In lab? What the fuck did that mean? He felt like texting back _in bedroom, in kitchen, in bathroom_ as he moved throughout the house just to be a smart ass. Instead, he ignored his phone. 

He went through the day without thinking about Tony too much. Instead he got stuck on his frustrations with his family and how he was going to climb his way out of this hole. He fell asleep on the couch with his laptop on his chest for the second night in a row. 

Nothing came from Tony the next day, or the one after that. It was more than enough time for Loki to replay the conversation he’d overheard at Thor’s. Maybe he’d been getting this all wrong. 

He didn’t like Tony just for the sex. It was good, but not worth staying with him over. It was what came after—the quiet moment when Tony’s voice would wander across uncomfortable topics, or intoxicatingly, listen to Loki’s own. It was maddening, how nice it was. And the way Tony spoke too, anytime. He was clever, and very few people kept Loki entertained like that. He wanted Tony around, even if he didn’t know how to make it work. 

But maybe he had it wrong. Maybe for Tony this was just about sex. Something easily arranged and familiar, and it would last until it got boring. Because the way Steve had talked, maybe it meant that Tony just opened up to everyone after sex. Maybe that was his time to just dump whatever psych crap he’d been carrying around on someone he wouldn’t see again. And Loki, stupidly, had been reading way more into it than he should. Feeling closer to him than he should. Like Tony wanted to share with _him_.

It wasn’t about _him_ at all. There was nothing there. Maybe Tony sharing shit was just his anxiety playing itself out, or something, and Loki had been playing along into it like an idiot. Why would Tony be interested in his family bullshit, or personal baggage? 

The thoughts played through his mind repeatedly. After hearing nothing for four days, Loki was starting to think that it was time for him to detach from this. But as soon as that thought would come, it was followed by a fierce desire to keep Tony around. Even if it was just for selfish fulfillment, even if Tony felt nothing but casual about it. Loki wanted it.

Then a text came. _I taped a laser pointer to Dum-E’s arm but it doesn’t really have the eye effect._ Loki read it twice. 

No transition, no hello, just some incoherent reference to some Dum-E thing that Loki had never heard of. Maybe he’d sent it to the wrong person. Loki just texted back a question mark. 

_One of my bots_

Oh, because that made perfect fucking sense. The next text from Tony came before Loki could text back the _what the fuck_ that he wanted to send. 

_I got half of this thing washed off_

_wearing long sleeves_

_lots of weird looks_

He had to be in a meeting, distracting himself with texts. Loki had learned this pattern fast enough. _A shame that’s the only one._ It was all that he could think of to text back with. 

_they want to put a foosball table in the break room. these bastards are trying to turn this place into google._

_next they’re going to want the walls lime green_

Business meeting. Loki set the phone down. Tony could just as easily distract himself with someone else, or galaga, Loki didn’t care. But…he did like the attention. _Are you saying that wouldn’t suit you?_

_harsh._

_what are you doing?_

For a moment he was glad that he hadn’t abandoned the conversation. _Lunching with the president, drinking mimosas_

_gross_

They continued on like that, until presumably Tony’s meeting ended because the texts ended. When Loki texted him something else that evening, he got another _in lab_ back. 

_Doing what, Brain?_

_The same thing I do every night, Pinky_

He left it at that. He didn’t hear anything for another couple of days. It was more than enough time for the incessant thinking. He went out for drinks with an ex-coworker that was more of a drinking acquaintance than a friend, and left when he felt himself getting stuck on the thought of Tony again. The alcohol didn’t help. He fell asleep that night with a miserable fixation on the empty half of his bed. 

In the morning he thought he was over it. He spent what was left of the extra money his mother had given him on food and began cooking. It cleared his head, and having a full meal at the end of it didn’t hurt. 

Then Tony decided to text. _I’ve got a business conference in Amsterdam for four days._

Loki rolled his eyes. Of course he did. _Ok_ The word stood out, blunt and alone. 

_Wanna come?_

He knew that he couldn’t. The invitation surprised him, but then again, Tony probably knew he couldn’t accept. He wouldn’t take it too seriously. _Maybe next time._

_Fine. I’ll just have to make due with a hot blonde._

He was kidding. Loki knew he had to be kidding, but his thumb hovered over the keyboard. Was he kidding? Really? They hadn’t defined the lines about what this was, just that it was happening. He stared at the screen. He hunched over it, scripted fingers flying across the phone’s screen. _No kinky married couples._

His phone started ringing. The tone echoed in the narrow kitchen. It was Tony’s name on the screen. Loki’s heart began to pound as he held it to his ear. “What?” He asked, not entirely friendly. 

“About that,” Tony said, without skipping a beat. “Are we—” He hesitated. “Exclusive? Because I don’t really know where we’re going with this, and I don’t want to give the wrong idea and piss you off…”

“It’s a bit late for that,” Loki said. It slipped out. He didn’t mean it to, but it had already happened. Loki gestured towards the ceiling in frustration. Tony reacted immediately.

“Wait, what? I pissed you off? When?” Tony’s voice halted, clearly expecting an answer. 

“Why do you think?” Loki hissed. His temper was winning. He knew it shouldn’t, he really did. Tony wasn’t going to put up with this, he couldn’t yell, it wouldn’t end well and yet. He paused. He really didn’t want to fuck this up, or did he? He did feel like Tony had been yanking him around. “What do you want?” He asked, sounding tired. 

“You’re the one that just said you were mad,” Tony said, voice heavy and serious. 

Loki’s sharp eyes rolled to the side, thinking. Tony’s voice could get so cold and brutal, a hairline trigger sort of anger that was just baiting the other person to disappoint him and prove that his cynicism was right. Loki decided to be out with it. “I don’t want to think about you fucking someone halfway across the globe when I haven’t had your attention in a week.” The words came out harsh and punctuated, then hung on the line. 

“Oh,” Tony said. He was quiet for a moment. “Look, the lab thing—that’s not going to change. I do that.” 

“You what? Have a private episode of Dexter’s Lab for a few days?” 

There was a muffled sound, like maybe Tony was letting out a heavy breath or was amused. His reply was lighter. “Yeah. Something like that.” Loki grabbed the side of the counter. Things were going to end with this phone call. He could feel it. “Look, if you don’t want to go to Amsterdam, that’s fine.” The words were said kindly, like a peace offering, but Loki didn’t fully process them. Again, he didn’t answer. “Loki, what do you want?” 

The words echoed in his ear. His mind scrambled for an answer as his body dragged down in adrenaline induced exhaustion. _Don’t fuck this up_ , he told himself. _You won’t be happy if he leaves._ He combed a hand through his long hair and leaned back against the counter. “Time,” he said finally. “And—what do you want?” 

The line was quiet. The counter cut into Loki’s tailbone as he leaned into it, phone pressed to his ear. He waited for the other shoe to drop. “Look— ” Tony took a deep breath and sighed. “I haven’t done the whole dating-relationship thing in a long time.” Loki hadn’t either. He dropped his head back, staring at the ceiling. “Honestly, I haven’t done the fuck buddies thing in a long time either. You’re—”

“An exception,” Loki filled in for him. Tony’d said that often enough in the few times they’d been together.

“Yeah,” Tony said. “And I’m fine with that, Loki.” Was his name said fondly? He couldn’t tell, he thought so, but maybe it was wishful thinking. “But dating—I’m not exactly— I don’t know why you’d want me—” Tony had paused, seemingly trying to finish his sentence.

Loki decided to make it easy for him. “Because I’m a jealous prick and I don’t like the idea of you sticking your dick in someone else when I’m not done with it.” Silence. Then, Tony cracked. As he started to laugh Loki felt a smirk on his own face. “I told you Tony, I’m not after valentine’s chocolates or whatever sick fantasy you have in mind.” 

“Just my dick,” Tony said. He sounded relieved. “I can handle that.” He said cheerfully. 

“Good,” Loki said. 

“So no threesomes when I’m in the Netherlands? I don’t know how that’s going to work out, I haven’t been an exclusive commodity in decades,” Tony said, teasing and…Loki couldn’t be certain, but giddy? The reaction confused him.

“Well you’d better get used to it,” Loki snapped. 

“Huh,” Tony said. 

“What?” 

“Just…hey, what do you want me to bring back for you?” Tony asked, flipping from musing to excited. “Like, an expensive cheese or something?” 

“Close,” Loki said. Begrudgingly he added, “you’re learning.” He rubbed a hand against his face. “See if you can get Akvavit. It’s alcohol. You’ll like it. I think. Or you will when I’m done with it.” 

“Okay, send me a picture or something. I don’t want to grab the wrong one and offend your precious tastes.” Loki rolled his eyes. “Anything else?” 

“Chocolate,” Loki said simply. He’d send Tony pictures later. 

Tony laughed. “Are you fucking with me? I thought you weren’t after the valentine’s chocolates.” Loki smirked. He hadn't mean to allude to that, but he liked that Tony assumed he had. “Fine. And don’t mess around with anyone while I’m gone either, I can be a jealous dick too.” 

“I’d like to see that.” 

“…I bet you would.” An alarm beeped in Tony’s background. “I’ve got to go. See you when I get back.” He hung up. 

Loki dropped the phone on the counter and stared at the floor. He wasn’t sure what he’d just done. A smile was pulling at his lips, as was a deep satisfaction in his chest, but his mind was already backpedaling. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted exactly. He could be indecisive. And he didn’t think he’d won Tony over yet. There were a few days before Tony would come back, and that was more than enough time for Tony to get doubts of his own. Loki wanted more from this, and he wanted more from Tony. And Tony had…Tony had fucking agreed, that had to be something. Something good. He could do this, he decided. He just needed a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meta note: In this universe, Rhodey hasn't been a part of Tony's life, and neither has Pepper (he hasn't met either of them entirely), so he hasn't had either of them to fall back on or hold him accountable. Loki's adoption wasn't kept secret from him, so the shock and betrayal in other universes isn't present in this one (although his relationship isn't perfect here either).


	6. Chapter 6

Loki heard the knock at the door and practically jumped towards it. He paused as Tony knocked again, fixing his hair and pulling at his shirt. It was slim, and one he thought that Tony would go for. His most charming smile leapt to his face like an old friend as he reached for the door handle. 

And there was Tony. Eyes first. Brown mahogany, gold flecked, as liquid amber and alluring as ever with that fire in the middle—but the smile flickered off Loki’s face. For a split second they were both frozen, wholly locked on the other, wondering just how this thing would go. The rules had changed. Loki could see that Tony knew it, and he damn well knew. But then the moment passed just as fast as it had come and Tony’s face lit with a daring smile. “Help me carry one of these would you, look at all of the shit I brought back for you.” Tony thrust a heavy paper bag into Loki’s arms. 

“Get in before one of the neighbors decides to rob me,” Loki said playfully, though Tony hurried to step inside. His eyes meandered down Loki’s shirt with an approving curl on his lips. Inwardly, Loki smirked. He kicked the door shut as he glanced inside the bag. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Yeah, well, the guy said that the one you sent in the picture’s good, but it’s not great.” Tony smiled awkwardly, seeming to second guess himself for saying that. “Uh, so I got it, but he said the second one’s really great so I got that too—” Loki lifted the bottle from the bag, grinning. Tony was hovering between the living room and the kitchen. The air was rich with the cooking of a meal that was ready. 

“I suppose we’ll have to try them both,” Loki said, shooting Tony a sly grin. The brunette relaxed at once, and for a split second he looked younger to Loki. He began walking towards the kitchen. As Tony turned, Loki admired the way his jeans clung to that pert ass, and noted that the shirt he was wearing made it seem like he was making extra effort. It looked as if it had been ironed. 

“And I got these,” Tony said, dumping the other bag. Dozens of chocolate bars spilled onto the table. “I can’t read them, but I figured, chocolate is chocolate. It has to be good, right?” 

Loki laughed. A low, indulgent snicker that wouldn’t sound harsh. “That is not true,” he corrected Tony. “But it’s good enough.” 

“Oh, well—” Tony flitted through a couple of emotions before landing on snark. “Good thing I brought them all for Captain Picky over here.” 

Loki grinned and leaned in, wrapping an arm around Tony’s waist. As his hand slipped past the crisp cotton, warm with Tony’s body heat, the motion felt forward. On the edge of uncomfortable, too daring and close. But he leaned in and pressed his lips to Tony’s cheek anyway. It was warm. Too close, oddly formal, and edgy—he pulled his face back, not breaking from the confidence he wanted to exude. “It’s perfect.” 

Tony laughed, shaking against his arm. He didn’t move away. “It’d better fucking be.” 

Loki raised an eyebrow, wordlessly prodding at him as he stepped away and towards the stove. A chair scraped against the floor as Tony took a seat. He shuffled through the candy bars. Loki spun right back around. “No,” he said, plucking one out of Tony’s hands. He’d spent the whole fucking day on this meal, Tony would god damn follow the order of how things were supposed to go. “Dessert,” he said. 

“Okay Mom,” Tony said, exaggerating it. Loki went right back to the stove and began plating a rich smoked salmon dish. “I slept like, the whole flight back. I was going to binge on a few episodes of this pawn shop show because I was having a hard time falling asleep, but then I fell asleep before the first inflight meal.” Loki set their plates on the table and went back to get glasses for the alcohol. “Morgan, one of the guys that works for me, idiot drank some wine with his sleeping pills, I told him if he croaks on the fucking plane, the company’s not covering it. He’s so god damn twitchy all of the time—” He stopped speaking when Loki sat down across from him. 

Loki nodded his head slightly for him to continue, picking up his fork. Tony mirrored the action unthinkingly. “For having such a stick up his ass, you’d think he’d read a label.” Tony glanced down at his food. “God, Loki, this looks incredible.” He paused, staring at it, before snapping out of whatever thought it was and taking a bite. His moan sent a shiver down Loki’s spine. “Fuck! This is good.” He took another bite, the best aphrodisiac, just as enraptured. “I’m not even the kind of guy that eats salmon. Normally.” 

Loki cringed internally. This could’ve gone terribly, then. Tony reached for a drink and paused when he saw two glasses were beside him. “I know which is which,” Loki said. “I’m allowing you to taste test.” 

Tony swallowed. He stared at Loki, level. “This isn’t some kind of if I pick the wrong one I’m sleeping on the couch kind of thing is it?” 

“Allowing you to sleep on the couch alone would be an absolute waste,” Loki said simply. “Try one.” 

Tony frowned. He grabbed one, drank it carefully, then paused. Loki watched him closely, rapt. Tony slowly took another bite of the food, then went for the second glass. He took his time with this one too. Loki rested his chin in his palm, waiting. Beneath the table, he ran his toe along the inside of Tony’s ankle. Tony fought off a grin and ignored him. He took a deep breath. “Fuck. Uh, the first one.” 

Loki grinned from ear to ear. “What? What does that mean?” Tony asked. 

“It means that you can shove that salesman’s dim witted opinion in his smug face,” Loki said, leaning off the table and back towards his chair. Tony stared at him and then started to laugh. 

“Okay,” Tony said, taking another drink. Loki watched out of the corner of his eye as Tony studied him take a forkful. When it was clear that Loki was eating again, Tony filled the room back in with chatter. “We’ve been selling this simple security system to a lot of smaller companies. It’s pretty boring stuff, just a passcode or two and some biometric readers, but they eat it up. Everyone wants to think they’re in a damn Bond movie.” 

Loki had poured himself both akvavits too, of course. With irritable chagrin he thought that the salesman may have had a good point, but he admired Tony’s simple taste. It wouldn’t have been any fun if Tony had been overly discerning. That was his job. “Wouldn’t Jarvis be a bit Bond-like?” 

Tony paused. The word had a curious effect on him, like maybe he was surprised that Loki remembered Jarvis, or it was something special. “No—I mean, okay the holograms, maybe,” Tony said, rolling his eyes. “But I’m not douchey about it.” 

Loki slowly pulled the fork from his mouth, goading Tony with a look. 

“Jarvis—Jarvis is something else. He’s bigger than my company,” Tony said. Before now, talking about any specifics in Tony’s company had been off-limits. Tonight he’d begun with it. “I’m close. He’s not an AI, but he will be.” Tony didn’t give Loki time to react to his surprise. “What about you? What’ve you been up to?” Tony asked, reaching over to play with Loki’s hair. It felt awkward, too out of place and character. He dropped it immediately. “Hair cut?” Tony asked, hiding the discomfort like a champ. 

“No,” Loki lied. “Not much, compared to Amsterdam. Did you behave yourself there?” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Tony said. He took the hint and steered things back towards talking about himself. As it turned out, he hadn’t seen much outside of the meeting rooms and the shops where he’d gotten Loki’s gifts. By the time that Loki was clearing the table of their dinner, Tony was back to complaining about Morgan. But he seemed happy having Loki’s attention and holding up the conversation. When Loki brought the chocolate back to the table, Tony cast him a nervous glance. 

Loki unwrapped one without reading the label. Then he realized that Tony’s anxiety hadn’t faded. “I’m not a complete ass,” Loki said. “I won’t chew you out over some chocolate.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “But—I had to bust my ass to get that stuff, I want you to like it.” 

Loki already had a mouthful. “I do,” he mumbled. 

Tony’s expression brightened and Loki realized that things had flipped. Usually it was him hoping that Tony liked something he’d cooked. This time Tony was nervous that he wouldn’t like his food. It was a nice change. “Good,” Tony said bluntly, sucking any softness out of it. Loki smiled at him, nodding his head a little as if it were cute for Tony to try and be bossy. Tony unwrapped one for himself. “I’m going to get goddamn fat around here,” he muttered. Loki rolled his eyes. 

“What a tragedy,” he said dryly. 

“To think I kept to myself on an overseas trip just to come back to your mouth,” Tony teased him, taking a bite of his chocolate and glancing around the kitchen, ignoring Loki. 

“What? Not even pay per view?” Loki asked. He was teasing, but he didn't like the way it felt. He knew he was kidding, but it still felt sickly in his chest. 

“Ugh,” Tony said. “No.” He glanced at Loki, his gaze falling down to Loki’s lips. “You really like sweets,” he observed. 

Loki self-consciously licked the corner of his mouth. 

Suddenly Tony was looking at him a little too seriously, like he wanted to say something. Loki cleared his throat. It was more comfortable to follow the pattern they’d already established. He stood from the table. 

Tony also got up, but he grabbed his plate and brought it over to the sink. Then, uncharacteristically, he began to wash it. For a moment Loki watched. Was Tony trying to be something? Or was he avoiding what he knew was coming next? Tony turned back around and grabbed Loki’s plate. “Don’t chip that,” Loki said, trying to focus on something else. He joined Tony, carefully edging him away from washing and towards drying as he went for what was left of the cooking pans. Tony didn’t say anything. But when Loki finished and reached for the towel to dry his hands, Tony snatched it away. 

He grinned, then swatted at Loki’s ass. 

“You did not,” Loki said. 

Tony did it again. 

“I’ll have to make due with this instead then,” Loki said, wiping his hands along the side of Tony’s shirt. He felt silly, but in a split second Tony took it as the opportunity to yank his thumbs into Loki’s belt loops and pull them together. Tony’s mouth eagerly sought his, and the hot slide of his tongue along Loki’s top lip and the groan that followed felt wonderful. And for the first few moments that they were lip locked in the quiet kitchen, aware of nothing but their moans and hurried breaths, it was great. And then something was off. 

It felt strange, different. Like it carried weight, when it usually didn’t. When it usually didn’t mean anything. Not really. Tony pulled away almost at the exact same time, as if he’d felt it too. They awkwardly unwound, Tony tossing the rag on the side of the sink and Loki running a thumb along his bottom lip as his green eyes lingered on the flecks of water on the floor. “Bed,” Loki suggested. 

“Fantastic,” Tony said, a little too cheerfully, so that Loki thought that maybe Tony hadn’t noticed or felt anything. Tony led the way into the bedroom. And for the first couple of minutes it was the same as before, the same pattern, right up until Tony got Loki’s shirt off. Loki reached down to free himself of his strained jeans, ignoring Tony as he did, but the man caught his wrist. 

Tony was half-clothed, and from the looks of his jeans, perfectly hard. But he grinned, staring up at Loki as his thumb brushed over Loki’s pulse. “Tell me about one,” he said. Loki stared at him. One what? “Just one,” Tony asked. His face was flushed, sunk into the navy sheets curled around his head. His thumb dragged up Loki’s pulse again. “When’d you get this one?”

Loki let out a hissy sigh, letting the weight he’d been holding back drop against Tony. He groaned. That’d been a bad idea. “Why?” He asked, irritated. Why did ink virgins always think there was a fucking story behind every one? And Tony, what the fuck was his obsession? Tony’s eyes got a little brighter. His thumb stroked soothingly, coaxing the answer out of Loki’s aggravated mouth. “Fine. How about the one you're so fond of.” Thinking of the knife on his forearm, he glared at the books on the bedside table and licked his lips. “I got it when I broke things off with my father. To remember that I cut that tie. And that I can.” 

There was a soft whistle from Tony. “See?” His voice asked, though Loki hadn’t yet given him back his attention. “Something to tell.” Every muscle in Loki’s body was stiff, but when his eyes darted back to Tony, it was obvious that Tony was impressed. That felt good. His tension uncoiled. A smile set on Loki’s lips. Damn Tony. 

And damn his stupid timing.

He used his arms to lift himself a little higher, to fully see Tony’s face. “And you? If we’re trading our filthy secrets, you have to give me something.” Tony gazed innocently at him like he was the most honest man in the world, the liar. Loki’s eyes flicked towards his chest. Tony shifted under him, thighs tensing. 

Then he calmed down a little. His hands wandered up to Loki’s arms and set there, as if he was holding on. He turned his head to the side to speak. Despite the defensiveness in the gesture, it felt to Loki as though Tony were more open this way. Easier to read. “My family, we’re arms dealers, right? Well,” he smiled, cruel and unhappy. “My dad had some bombs in storage, and I…I was cleaning out his shit.” 

Tony started breathing heavily. His chest swelled as his lungs pulled for air. “You don’t have to tell me,” Loki said, taking his chest away from Tony’s to relieve the weight. 

Tony grabbed his hand. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to calm down. His grip on Loki’s hand was too tight, his fingers digging into the back of Loki’s hand, and Loki’s head was spinning. He shouldn’t have asked, this wasn’t supposed to be like this—when the _fuck_ had it gotten like this—but when Tony opened his eyes again, he sought out Loki’s tense face like he was catching a life raft, and in that split second Loki saw himself. He didn’t dwell on it. “No,” Tony said. “You’re going to wonder, I might as well.” He took another breath. “I, it detonated, I had no idea what was happening. Why it was fucking there in the first place. I don’t even know how I managed to get my cell and dial 911, but I did. I was bleeding out. I don’t remember much until the hospital.” He glanced up at Loki then, smiling in a self-deprecating way that made Loki’s stomach churn. “I should’ve died. The doc, Doc Yinsen—he kept telling me I should’ve died.” Tony shifted beneath him. “He thought I had an angel or some bullshit watching over me.” 

Loki had been studying his face carefully. “But you don’t believe that,” he stated. 

“No,” Tony said. 

Loki lowered himself back down over Tony’s chest. He was far more aware of the scars that pressed against his bare skin now than he’d ever been before. “I’d much rather have a mark like yours for my old man than this one,” Tony said. Loki shrugged. 

“I don’t mind yours,” Loki said beside his ear, sounding conversational. “It makes you look a little more badass. Keeps my image up.” 

A real grin spread across Tony’s face. He shoved lightly at Loki’s chest with the palms of his hands. “Hey, asshole,” he chastised. Loki laughed. Tony leaned up and kissed him. First only at the chin he could reach, and then as Loki moved to a better angle, he became fervent and demanding. Loki got lost in it, feeling his arousal return, enjoying how utterly impatient Tony was. 

He was shucking Tony’s jeans off when something in the tempo changed again. Tony was looking up at him, hesitating. Loki could feel his blood pounding. The pause was agonizing, like gears grinding to a halt. Tony’s eyes flicked to his forearm. Tony’s hand reached for the blade depicted there and smoothed over it with soft fingers, raising goosebumps. 

Loki wasn’t sure that he was interpreting Tony right, but he thought that he understood. He leaned back, taking a deep breath and flaunting his bare chest before leaning back down over Tony, balancing himself with hands on either side of the bed by Tony’s shoulders. “I haven’t seen you in two weeks,” Loki said. “Now before my balls drivel up and die, I give you full permission to fuck me senseless.” He nipped the side of Tony’s neck. “Alright?” He muttered against Tony’s ear. 

He felt the smile against his skin, and then it was all greed and lust and the Tony he knew. It was fucking wonderful. They were loud and rough and didn’t give it up until they were exhausted and damn well boneless. This night, when it ended, Tony rolled in against Loki's back, dropping an arm around Loki’s chest and burying his nose into the back of his neck without a word. Loki didn’t wait for him to speak this time. He drifted right off.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of the next chapter's already done, and I keep getting more scenes in my head for these two, so as usual it looks like it's going to be quite a bit longer than I first thought (why am I still surprised? XD). That said, I haven't worked out every point yet and I'm not entirely sure where these two will go, so I'm really interested in your thoughts about the story, characters, motivations, what's going on in their heads... :)


	7. Chapter 7

Loki sat on his couch, the hand with his phone in it curled under his chin. He’d propped his elbows up on his knees, hunched forward with his back against the armrest. His eyes were distant, contemplative. The phone rattled with another text from Tony. 

Loki hadn’t seen him in three days, but the steady stream of texts made it feel like less. He glanced at the text, a slim smile curling at his lips, before shooting back a snarky reply and going back to his previous position. 

Tony was wonderfully clever. The back and forth was addicting. Loki hoped that their in person conversations would eventually go in the same direction as their texts. There was a rhythm to them that their spoken conversations didn't match. 

That was painful in a way. Tony called in the evenings and rambled on for a while about whatever had happened at work, but it didn’t feel natural. Loki frowned to the side. Still, he liked answering Tony’s calls. His mind drifted back to the morning that Tony had left. He’d gently shook Loki’s arm, and Loki had slowly woken to the blurry image of Tony’s warm face. He’d lingered on the shadow of stubble there as Tony had smiled nervously, saying that he had to go into work for some crisis. “It’s fine,” Loki had yawned, smiling a little. Tony had relaxed at that, leaning down to sloppily kiss his forehead before leaving. Loki had listened until he heard the front door shut, and then fallen right back asleep. 

Having Tony around was…good. Really good, and that was kind of uncomfortable to think about. 

He wasn’t used to this, whatever this was, but he was pretty certain that he wanted more of it. His gaze fell on the kitchen. The candy bars were still scattered all over the table. He’d moved them a few times when he’d needed the table, but he kept spreading them back out just for the pleasure of picking through them. 

It was kind of hard for him to think about why Tony had done that for him. He could’ve just as easily picked something up at the airport and called it a day. But he hadn’t. That was…it caused something to flicker in Loki’s chest that he couldn’t quite fully acknowledge yet. 

His phone buzzed. Tony was going into an actual meeting, and would call that evening. 

_Ok_ , he sent back. He dropped his phone onto the top cushion. It slipped down into the back of couch. Loki ignored it. He combed his fingers though his hair. He’d cut it shorter that morning with his desk scissors. Now it fell right at the tip of his shoulders. It was still enough to pull back into a ponytail when he cooked, and shorter if he’d let it curl. He didn’t. 

Tony was having other effects that Loki hadn’t intended. One was how utterly boring the apartment had become, now that Tony’s constant chatter was keeping him alert. His life felt dull in comparison. Not that he hadn’t known that before, but it was different now. Tony sensed that Loki didn’t want to talk about his day and had already stopped asking, and the realization made Loki want to push him away because he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to look at himself through Tony’s eyes, but he didn’t want Tony to leave either. And when Tony listened to his bullshit sob stories, well, Tony had asked, hadn’t he? And there was something enticing about that. Absently, he rubbed his hand over the blade on his right forearm. 

He bit on his stubby pointer finger nail. They were a fucking mess. 

He’d been turning it over in his head, but he hadn’t figured Tony out yet, and Tony was slowly turning into a puzzle. A puzzle with a nice ass and a quirky human smile that suggested someone else. Someone that wasn’t silicon valley and a good fuck, living the high life. Loki really, really wanted to prod at Thor for more info on Tony, but it wasn’t worth the cost. 

Loki laid down on the couch, stretching his long legs over the armrest on the far end. He folded his hands over his flat stomach, steady green eyes set on the kitchen. Outside, someone slammed the heavy dumpster lid shut. There were rattling bottles falling into the recycling. He closed his eyes. Maybe this wasn’t something to be figured out, but that simply wasn’t how his mind worked. 

Eventually he got up and sat down at the table. He chose a chocolate bar and carefully peeled off the label, smoothing it flat beneath his fingers before taking the first bite. It was creamy and sweet, melting on his tongue just as he wondered how long off he was from Tony’s nightly phone call. 

 

Tony’s ringtone blared from between the couch cushions. Loki went over and reached his arm down to fish it out, flicking it on and carefully tucking it against his ear before answering. “Hello—”

“Loki, I found something,” Tony said, cutting him off. Then he abruptly paused, obviously waiting for Loki to ask. 

“One word at a time, Tony,” Loki said, sliding down onto the couch. Trying not to smirk. Tony’s reply was instant. 

“So one of the guys I sell to, we were talking today, and I’ve known him for months, but somehow we got on the topic of how he owns a couple restaurants. It’s an investment thing. Kind of a stupid investment, because they flop so easily, you know that.” Loki took a long, slow breath, bracing himself for wherever this was leading. “And it turns out that he needs somebody to run his kitchen on the east end.” Loki shut his eyes for a moment. “I don’t want you to feel any pressure or anything, I just thought if you’re looking—”

Loki stared down at the carpet. It was a lot of pressure at once, and it wasn’t helped by the fact that Tony was so bouncy about it, thinking he was helping. There was so much more to it than Tony could understand. “What’s the kitchen like?” Loki forced out of himself. 

“There’ve been a few problems with the last couple chefs,” Tony said. Naturally. Loki rolled his eyes and gave the ceiling a particularly disdainful look. “But I think the guy’s been trying to hire out based on prestige or something. None of them have stuck.” Tony paused, then offered another line. “And I figured that you wouldn’t take crap, so you won’t have a problem running the place.” 

He could feel his blood rise as he considered it. Loki glanced around the empty apartment. Money would be a good thing. He wouldn’t feel like he couldn’t do things with Tony, and it would get his family off his back. But. From the description alone, he knew the restaurant was going to be in bad shape. He scratched a hand through his hair. He had to answer, the pause couldn’t go on much longer. 

If he said no, it might jack things up with Tony. And he needed work, even if it wasn’t good. “Sure,” he said. His chest sank the moment he said it, but he just held still. He could throw a fit about it later. Right now he had to be still. 

“Oh, great, uh, I’ll text you his name. Just call him and say I sent you. You could probably start this week.” Tony said. It didn’t sound forceful, and there definitely wasn’t any pressure behind it. Loki felt a tad bit like he’d jumped the gun, but he didn’t stay on that thought. “What’d you get up to today?” Tony asked, voice a few shades more intimate. Loki had thought he was past asking that question. 

“Wrote a novel and hid a few bodies,” Loki said. 

Tony pushed out a weak, insincere laugh. His sigh lingered on the line. “You know, it’s kind of hard for me to make it over to your apartment and get to work on time,” Tony said quietly. “I was thinking that maybe you could come over here tonight? I haven’t seen you in a few days.” He flipped into humor a split second later. “I wouldn’t want you thinking that my dick was getting around.” 

Loki pictured the sterile house and the off limits lab. “I can’t,” he said. “Not tonight.” Lie. Make it a good one. “I’ve promised my mother that I’ll go over for dinner.” _Fuck._ He’d panicked. That was weak and unflattering. 

Tony paused, like maybe he was turning that over. He had to know that Loki was lying. “Okay,” Tony said, sounding a little distant. “You pick a time to come then,” he said casually, like it didn’t matter at all to him. Loki licked his lips. 

“Starting that new job, remember?” He smiled, as if Tony could see him. Trying to placate him. 

“Right,” Tony said. “I’ve got to go. I want to get these upgrades done before I go in tomorrow.” 

“See you soon,” Loki said too quickly and forcefully, as if making it a promise. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. Maybe he sounded marginally happy. Loki hoped so. He was ready for them to start texting again so that it wouldn’t feel like things had gone so poorly. “Night.” Tony hung up. 

Loki stared at the phone in his hands, bottom lip flinching. The screen lit up with texted contact info. His head was spinning, but he didn’t give himself time to think. He just dialed the number and ended up with a start time at eight the next morning. 

This owner guy was really fucked, and Loki knew it. So was he. 

 

The kitchen was empty when he arrived. The owner hadn’t given him any instructions, or come in person. There was a white jacket waiting for him with a bloodstain on the sleeve. Loki drew in a deep breath. He found one that was marginally better instead, then tied on an apron. The steel toed shoes were his, and the only thing that felt right. Silver on black. He’d missed them. 

The kitchen itself was expensive. Someone had gutted out whatever was there before and replaced it with entirely new equipment, and probably taken the clueless owner for a ride while they were at it. Loki flopped open a menu. Judging by what they had fresh, it wasn’t going to work. He adjusted the special, took inventory, and felt everything coming back to him like an old song. It was easy. 

He heard the door swing open. “Who’s this?” 

“Yeah, who the fuck is this?” 

A man and a woman stared at him, their arms crossed over their uniforms. Loki knew this game well. “I’m your new head chef,” he said, keeping the words smooth and even while letting a threat slide across his tone. 

“Are you trailing?” The woman asked. 

“No.” 

She glanced at the man and then grinned. They saved their snark, however, so Loki gave them their prep tasks and went right back to work. He heard some quiet whispers back and forth. He didn't need to hear to know what they were saying. It would be a pissing contest until everyone got over measuring each other’s dicks. He kicked a drawer shut. 

“How’d you land here?” The woman asked. Gamora, by her name tag. 

“By chance,” Loki said, setting an onion on a chopping board. The sound of the knife echoed across the kitchen. 

“Yeah, but,” the man grinned, trading another glance with Gamora. Loki glanced at his name tag. Peter. “No one just winds up here. So what hoity-toity school do you come from?” 

“Do I look like I come from a hoity-toity school?” Loki snapped back at him. Peter’s eyebrows flashed up. He looked over to Gamora, grinning. The door to the front burst open. 

“There’s—” The hostess stopped in her tracks, noticing Loki. She looked him over before getting a sly smile. “A VIP tonight,” she said calmly, lacking the drama from before. “Owner’s daughter.” Peter groaned loudly. The hostess smiled primly at him. Loki easily read the history there, and the course the hostess wanted to take with him. A few weeks ago, it would’ve worked. Now he studied the line chefs’s reactions instead. Gamora slammed the knife she held down particularly hard. The hostess shot her a glance before disappearing. 

Like that, the spotlight was off of him. “Great,” Peter said. “The last time she came in here she ordered mac and cheese. Can you fucking believe it? We can’t deal with that.” 

“Well you know what happens,” Gamora said. 

Peter huffed. “Yeah. I do.” He moved around his station with efficient ease. “It means a table of her and all of her spoiled friends asking for shit we don’t have.” As he walked across the kitchen complaining, Loki felt his phone vibrate once with a text. “You remember that time she wanted us to make donuts? Like I would fuck over the fryer when she could walk across the street to Dunkin’s…” 

_How’s it going?_

_It’s going._

_Will you come by tonight? We should celebrate ;)_

_I’ll text you when I get off._ Loki put his phone back just in time to watch Peter do an impersonation of the owner’s daughter. Gamora laughed, but it was more generous than genuine. Loki didn’t give half of a shit about having a VIP in the house, regardless of who it was. At least this one was making his life easier, for once. The line chefs were content to bitch about her until the rest of the staff arrived. Then it was a lot of the same shit. Them taking subtle jabs at him, seeing just how far they could push. He pushed back. When the first order came in though, there was a respectable ring around him. They were listening for now. He knew it was temporary. 

The owner’s daughter lived up to her reputation. Fifteen orders for lobster mac ’n cheese (she’d upgraded, apparently), hummus plates, six orders of nachos, and lemon cake for dessert. Loki didn’t have to make any of it. Peter and Gamora were on it like an old trick. And when it came down to the cake they didn’t have and couldn’t make, Loki went to the front of the house instead. 

Finding their table was easy. They quieted when they saw him, turning curious glances his way. There were men and women at the table, and Loki wasn't sure which one the daughter was. It didn’t matter. He put on his smoothest, most cunning smile. As he leaned in towards the table, one of them spoke up. “You’re the chef my dad hired,” the daughter stated. It sounded a bit like a question, but Loki simply nodded towards her indulgently. She clearly wanted to be known. Her cheeks had flushed and her eyes had dilated considerably. This was about her making a show of her power, and Loki would play her perfectly. 

“Darling,” he said. It was a load of fucking crap, but it had the desired effect. She softened considerably. “I’m afraid we can’t make your dream come true tonight. There’s no lemon to make that dessert with. If I’d known how it would delight you, I’d’ve asked to stock the ingredients. Perhaps you could put in a word for us to get some next time?” 

“Oh, I’m so sorry about that,” she said. “I didn’t know,” she said, her cheeks flushing dark red. There were a few glances her way. She got more flustered. 

Loki stepped in like a savior, offering her a way out. “Perhaps I could interest you in the German chocolate cake? I made it myself.” He let his eyes linger on her. It was an old trick that had worked well on wait staff before. 

A small smile set on her lips. “Yes,” she said. “That’d be great.” 

“Lovely,” Loki said. He let his gaze linger on her a moment longer before walking back towards the kitchen. He heard animated whispers behind him as he left. “Serve them the fucking chocolate cake,” Loki said when he threw the kitchen door open. They were all staring at him. 

It was silent for a moment. “How’d you get her to change her mind?” It was a grizzly line chef that only went by the name Rocket. Loki shrugged his shoulders. Rocket looked over at Gamora. “Is this guy god or something?” She snorted out a laugh. 

They started discussing it as he went back to his station. When it was clear that they weren’t getting anything done, he spoke without looking up. “Are you going to get them the fuck out there or not?” 

“Yeah,” Gamora said. Plates clattered. The cake was dished out to the front. Loki ignored the chatter around him. He was glad that the damn cake was out of there. It had been on the cusp of going stale. A few minutes later their waiter came in. 

“She wants you to know how good your cake was,” the waiter said. 

Loki huffed out a laugh. “I’m sure,” he said. 

The waiter hovered for a moment. Loki glanced up at them from his work. The waiter smiled uncomfortably. “When in god’s name would I have had the time to make that cake,” Loki said. “I just fucking got here today.” The waiter nodded their head. “What?” 

“Uh—”

“Out with it.” 

“She wants you to come back out to the table.” 

“No.” Loki picked up a long knife and needlessly wiped a cloth across the blade. “Tell her we’re busy. Make up some bullshit about how sorry we are.” 

“Uh, Chef?” Peter asked. The title didn’t sound respectful on his tongue. “That’s not a good idea.” 

“Did I stutter?” Loki asked. 

“No,” the waiter said, jumping in. “I—I’ll tell them.” He hightailed it out of the kitchen. It became very quiet. Rocket whispered something to Gamora that Loki didn’t catch. Fifteen minutes went by and nothing changed. It wasn’t until they were cleaning up the kitchen that night that Gamora left and came back. 

“She didn’t get upset,” Gamora said. “I talked to Grey and he said she just said okay and they left.” She was talking to Peter, but everyone was listening. There were glances his way, but Loki said nothing. 

“You got an in with that family or something?” Rocket asked. Loki directed his attention towards him unkindly. He raised his eyebrows, taunting him. Rocket shrugged and went back to what he was doing. The muttered whispers between them grew mutinous. When they were done and locking up, Loki didn’t care. It was over and that was all that mattered. 

He got in his car and slammed the door shut. He took out his phone. It was one in the morning. There were three missed calls from Tony. The texts were nothing significant until the last one. _Loki?_ It didn’t seem important, but it felt pitiful. Loki sighed. 

_Just got out. Figuring you’re still asleep. We’ll talk tomorrow._ He drove home. There was no reply. He fell into bed and right into sleep. 

He woke to his alarm. Two texts were waiting. 

_How was it?_

_Come over tonight?_

Loki knew he couldn’t. _I probably won’t get out until one or later._ When he got to work, he didn’t have time to check for replies. The food delivery was fucked up. Shit was missing or too shitty to take. He yelled at the deliverer and sent it back. Then he sent Peter out for better stuff, leaving them short. It was a long, grueling day where the pieces didn’t add up. The kitchen was short staffed. They worked like hell all evening and went home at two thirty in the morning. There were five dejected texts from Tony waiting. _Soon, okay?_ He sent back. 

The third day, the kitchen’s problems just got more obvious. Rocket and Groot got a kick out of fucking with Peter all day, and it only made things harder. Someone was skimming off cuts of meat, and Loki hadn’t figured out who it was yet, or why they fucking bothered. Many ingredients were just plain missing. Equipment was there one day and vanished the next. The owner called asking asinine questions that took time out of planning the menu. Mussels spoiled and the fish wasn’t far off from the same fate. There were scallops in the bottom of the freezer that had gone bad six months ago.

The fourth and fifth day were absolute shit. Rocket was late because he was hungover. Several of the staff showed up late, and one didn’t show up at all. They ran out of bread. The front of the house overbooked. All night long the waiters came in pissed and miserable. And the staff had become openly interested in him again. Where he came from. What he did. How he was connected. 

He wasn’t sleeping enough, and he hadn’t been able to call Tony. There was nothing from Tony on the sixth day. _In lab?_ Loki texted him at the peak of the dinner rush. He was thinking about Tony again, and how much this job was fucking up his chances. 

_It’s the weekend._

Loki stared at that. What the fuck did that mean? _Does Jarvis have those off?_

_When will you come over?_

Loki punched in the reply before shoving it back in his pants. He was going to get shit for using the phone, and pitied whoever called him out on it. _I’m off on Sunday._ Tomorrow. They could finally fucking see each other tomorrow. He turned his attention back towards the kitchen just in time to see Rocket slip a canister to one of the waiters and a wad of cash go the other way. “What is that?” Loki barked. Rocket froze. The waiter looked down at the floor. Loki walked over to the station. The waiter had the canister and a few crumpled bills limply clutched at his side. Loki stuck out his palm. 

With a trembling hand, the waiter set it in Loki’s hand. He popped the canister open. It was pure saffron. “You’d’ve done better dealing narcotics,” he said coldly. Anger coiled in his clipped words. 

“Come on man,” Peter said. It was the same flippant, careless voice that had been grating on Loki’s nerves for days. As if they were friends. “It’s not a big deal.” 

“It is too a fucking big deal!” Loki yelled at him. Peter shut his mouth for a moment. “What else are you responsible for?” Rocket wrestled with that question for a moment before untying his apron strings. 

“Don’t man, he can’t fire you—” Peter said. 

Loki snapped just as Rocket answered. “One of us has to go,” Rocket said. “Whatever it is, I did it,” he told Loki. “All of it.” 

“You are all liars and thieves,” Loki hissed. His rage rose up in a wave. “In the six miserable days that I have been here, ten pounds of meat has gone missing. Which one of you did that?” He asked, spinning around. They all avoided his burning eyes. “Knives are missing. Someone took the fucking dessert tray this morning!” He took another breath, but it didn’t help. “You’re all so busy biting the hand that feeds you that you’ve got no sense of self-preservation!” He sucked in a breath, muscles tensing. “It is a big deal if the damn thing goes under!” 

“I don’t see what you’re going to do about it,” said a slender man. Grey, on the name tag. Loki hadn’t spoken to him directly yet. “You can’t fire all of us.” 

“So you’re all in on this?” Loki asked, cruel humor painting his words. “Every last one of you?” 

“Why do you care about what goes missing, huh? You fucking the owner’s daughter or something? You’ve gotta be,” Grey said. “That’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Take that back,” Loki growled. 

Grey smiled. 

It was the perfect moment to release all of the anger that had been building all week. He’d tried to hold onto this fucking job for Tony, he really had. And to have some sense of autonomy. But this kitchen was a god damn mess and he wasn’t a fucking miracle worker. Loki left just inches between them as he loomed over the shorter man. “Take it back, you sniveling cess pool.” 

“Nah, you’re right,” Grey said. “You don’t look straight enough to go for that, you—” 

“Shut your ignorant mouth,” Loki growled. “And get the fuck out of this kitchen.” Grey glanced towards his friends, the fucking coward. “I said get out!”

Grey narrowly side stepped him. Rocket was already starting for the backdoor when Grey wrapped his arm around the man’s shoulders. As he started whispering something, the door to the front flew open and the hostess hurried in. No one paid her any attention. She paused for a second, sensing the sharp tension that she’d walked in on. “We need him,” Gamora said. 

Grey paused at the door, waiting. Rocket muttered something. Grey turned back around. He kept a firm hand on the handle so that he could flee if need be. Loki read the motion and knew what was coming next. “You might think you’re tough shit, but you’re just a pretty haired boy that gets by on favors.” 

Loki didn’t need time to process. “And you’re a groveling thief that has no fucking sense!” 

“Uh,” the hostess said loudly. “Maybe—”

“Get the fuck out,” Loki shouted. This was beyond what he could put up with. “And if any of you has any problems with how I run this kitchen, then you can get the hell out as well. I will not tolerate this—”

The hostess cleared her throat and coughed as loud as she could. Loki snapped towards her. “What—” The owner and his daughter were standing just behind her. His expression did not change, but he felt something drop in the pit of his stomach. 

“I can’t tolerate screaming in my kitchen,” the owner said. “The front can hear you.”

_Only because you have the fucking door wide open,_ Loki thought. “They’re robbing you blind,” Loki said sharply. The owner was straining to maintain his authority over the room. He didn’t have a strong bone in his body. The kitchen would eat him alive if he were one of them. 

“There will be no screaming,” the owner said. “Loki, you can leave.” 

“And what about us?” Grey asked. The owner looked down at the floor and shook his head. 

“Leave,” he said quietly. 

Loki grabbed the few knives he’d brought with him and stomped out the back door without a backwards glance. “What’re we going to do now?” He heard Peter asking as the door slammed shut. His boots crunched on the pavement gravel in the dark parking lot. One yellow light hissed and popped above. Rocket was leaning against the brick wall by the door. 

Loki held his knives to the side as he spotted him out of the corner of his eye. “Bad move back there,” Rocket said. “It’s an easy gig in there.” 

“Fuck off,” Loki said. He took the most direct route to his car and spotted Grey a few cars over, crying in the front seat. Fucking idiot. He pried his car door open, threw his shit in the passenger seat, and put the car in drive. He sped home. 

Everything was fucked. This worthless job that he’d gotten into knowing that it was bad, and the fucking consequences with Tony that it would bring up. It hadn’t been worth it. He felt his throat tighten as he realized that. Fuck the job. But Tony—there wouldn’t be any coming back from this. When he got back to the apartment, he couldn’t bring himself to look at his phone. Let that reality sit until tomorrow. It felt good to ram his keys into the lock and push open the door to such a familiar space. He locked himself in and stripped his clothes as he walked to the bedroom. He pushed himself into the sheets and passed out, the week finally catching up with him.

* * *

He woke up because the phone was ringing. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, disoriented. The room was bright. The phone was far away. Pins and needles struck as he put one foot on the ground. The phone stopped ringing. Loki stretched his back. As he walked into the living room, the phone began ringing again.

He dug it out of his pocket. It was Tony. 

“Hello?” He asked, yawning. He rubbed the back of his head. He’d been missing their evening phone calls with work, and—oh. Last night. No, no. He shouldn’t have picked up—

“Hey, god, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you all day.” It felt good to hear Tony’s voice. And terrifying. Loki yawned again. He looked at the DVD clock, but it was stuck on reset. “Loki?” 

“Yeah,” he said sleepily. 

“Were you asleep?” Tony asked. 

“Why is that a strange thought? I’ve been working all fucking week,” Loki said, starting out tired and then snapping. 

“It’s four o’clock,” Tony said. 

“Oh,” Loki said. That was…strange. He rubbed at his forehead. Well, perhaps it wasn’t that strange. He’d passed out for a few hours after getting home, woken up with a stress dream around five, and then fallen back asleep in the morning hours. 

“Can I come over?” Tony asked. Loki sat down on the couch, pushing the phone against his ear. Breaking up in person was not something that he needed today. 

Loki hunched over his knees, rubbing his face. “No,” he said. 

“…why? Do you not—”

Last night hurled back. It was too fast, too raw, too miserable to escape. “Because you can save the fucking lecture,” Loki said, voice shooting upward. It was as if he’d never left the kitchen. “I know I fucked up, alright? I have a god damn temper and it’s always going to get in the fucking way.” He closed his eyes and pressed a fist to his forehead. He was fucking this up. Why’d he have to fuck this up? It was already ruined anyway. Tony wasn’t saying anything. “Sorry I fucked up and lost your fucking client, alright? I can’t make up for the business. You’ll just have to deal.” He swallowed hard. His throat was too tight again. The line stayed silent for a few seconds longer. 

He wished that Tony would just fucking get it over with. He’d made it easy. Tony just had to say fuck you and hang up. Would he hurry the fuck up?

“Can I come over?” Tony asked again. It was firmer this time, steadier.  

“So you can chew me out in person?” Loki asked, wavering between anger and the miserable little break his voice wanted. He was too exhausted to handle this.

“Because I haven’t seen you since I hooked you up with the damn job, and you said you’d see me.” Tony said. “So can I come over?” He asked, less patient. 

Loki bit on his stub of a nail, staring at the floor. He couldn’t think straight. “If you really don’t want me there, say so,” Tony prompted him. 

“You—” Loki said. He hesitated. 

“Yes or no, let’s go,” Tony said. 

“Fine. Yes,” Loki said, snapping at the end. “Come over.” He was a fucking idiot. Tony was going to chew him out. 

“I’ll be there soon,” Tony said. There was determination in his voice, and it set Loki on edge. As they hung up, Loki looked over at the door. He was sitting on his couch in his boxers with his clothes scattered across the floor. He hadn’t seen himself yet, but he was sure that he looked like shit. He thought about getting up and moving around, but he couldn’t. He slumped forward and pressed his forehead against the back of the couch. After a few minutes he rose up slowly, meandering across the floor to grab his things. Then he went to the shower. 

As the hot water pounded against him, he was a hellish seesaw of exhaustion and anger. He moved slowly. When he got out of the shower, he heard continuous knocking. Ignoring it, he went to his bedroom and grabbed some clothes. He yanked a shirt on over his head and some jeans. Then he walked to the door. 

He’d tried. He’d really tried to make things work. But he shouldn’t have expected anything. His fault, really. He’d move on. He’d just been an idiot for trying. He set his hand on the door. The knocking just kept going. He heard his phone start ringing. Slowly, he pulled open the door. 

“Jesus, I thought something happened,” Tony said. One quick look at his wet hair and Tony was taking a deep breath, clear annoyance washing over him. “You knew I was coming,” Tony said. The fire drained out of his words as he said them. Avoiding whatever look Tony was trying to give him, Loki took a dramatic step back from the door and waved him in. 

Tony bent down and picked up a brown paper bag before stepping inside. He wavered between the living room and the kitchen as Loki shut the door. Only then did Loki realize that the chocolate bars were still spread out all over the table. Tony paused, maybe realizing the same thing. He didn’t say anything. “Come on,” Tony said, sitting down on the couch. He opened the paper bag up and then looked expectantly at Loki. “Same place as before,” Tony said. “You didn’t complain, so I thought it’d be okay.” 

Loki stared at him. What the hell was he doing? Dragging his feet, Loki rounded the couch and sat down. He set his back against the armrest on the other end, mirroring Tony. Tony plunked a takeout container into his lap and a pair of chopsticks. Tony didn't speak until Loki reluctantly cracked open the box and took a bite. He hadn’t spoken since Tony had entered. 

“What happened?” 

“You know what happened,” Loki said, keeping his eyes on the box. He didn’t need Tony’s disapproving stare, or pity, if that’s what this was going to turn into. It didn’t seem like it, but it also seemed strange to bring food to someone you wanted to chew out. 

“No,” Tony said. “I don’t.” 

Loki glanced up. Tony’s sharp brown eyes were set on him, like all of that calculating power that was ordinarily reserved for his lab had been saved for him today instead. Loki’s eyes drifted towards the ceiling. He stared at it for a moment, tracing the water stain that had been there since he moved in. “I was fired,” he said. Tony didn’t say anything. He just waited. Loki picked up a shrimp from the stir fry and plopped it in his mouth. He really wished that Tony had picked something else. This did not bring back fond memories. “I caught two of the staff stealing shit, and I tore them a new one as the owner walked in.” He needed something to drink. “Apparently, I was yelling.” 

“You caught people stealing and you got fired for yelling?” Tony asked. 

Loki nodded his head. He stared at the broccoli beneath his chopsticks. The sauce was thin, with far too much sugar. “I really can’t make it up to you,” Loki said. He couldn’t look at Tony. Not now. “I can’t unfuck it.” He was about to say more, but Tony jumped in. 

“I don’t care about that,” Tony said. 

Loki didn’t look up. The water from his hair was soaking his shirt. A droplet fell onto his wrist. “I know I’m ungrateful,” Loki said. It was better to just get it out, and it was better if he said it than if he heard it. He _really_ didn’t want to hear it. “I know I have an attitude problem, and I can’t keep it together, and I’m not going anywhere. I fucking get it, alright? You don’t have to pretend—”

“When did I say any of that?” Tony asked. It was clear that he was angry, so Loki didn’t listen. 

“I really tried, alright? I fucking tried. But I’m not cut out for it. Sometimes what you’re good at and what you can make money at don’t overlap—”

“Loki,” Tony said. “Calm down.” 

Loki glanced up at him. He bit on the inside of his cheek. Tony’s full attention was on him, and Loki simultaneously recognized all of the things he’d missed that week. It was terrible timing. Tony was right fucking next to him, and he missed him so fucking bad. “I’m sorry,” Tony said. Loki’s eyes widened. The apology was dumbfounding. Suddenly, he couldn’t pry his gaze away. “I didn’t do it to make you miserable.” 

Loki set the takeout box on the coffee table. He couldn’t eat. “It’s not your fault that I have a shit temper,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Tony’s voice said. “But you’re angry about something, right? You’re not just angry to be angry, Loki.” Loki stilled. His temper had always been a personal defect, since he was a small child. “I mean,” Tony said. “The anger’s coming from somewhere.” The couch bounced as Tony shifted his weight. “God. I haven’t seen you all week,” Tony said. It sounded almost pained. “Tell me about it,” Tony said. “And drop the watered down press version. I know when someone’s bullshitting me. Tell me what really happened.” 

Loki combed a hand through his hair, then wiped his wet hand on his pants. “Aren’t you pissed?” He asked, morbidly curious. 

“Nah,” Tony said. He moved his toes so that they were against Loki’s shin, finally breaking the invisible barrier between them. “I didn’t hook you up with that so you'd owe me. I did it because I thought it might make you happy, and I fucked up.” Tony dropped his gaze to the couch and picked at the takeout box in his lap. “And I fucked myself over,” Tony said, grinning. “This was like your lab thing.” 

Loki huffed out a soundless laugh. “Hardly,” he said. 

Tony shoved some food into his mouth, chewing quickly. “So are you gonna tell me?” 

Loki looked at him for a moment. There was a little fleck of rice on the corner of his mouth, and Loki wanted nothing but to take it with his own lips. He couldn’t find it in himself to dislike Tony. Suddenly it was all so much lighter. The week seemed stupid, funny even. And it ached too, because it would’ve been better spent not fucking things up with Tony. The man smiled, a little bit corny, waiting for Loki to tell him. And it was endearing as fuck, that was. Loki stood from the couch. “Do you want a beer?” 

“Whatever you’ve got,” Tony said. 

Loki brought back two and set them on the coffee table. He took a slow sip before beginning a detailed rendition of the week. Just how fucked the kitchen was, how he knew who was sleeping with who currently and past, about the owner’s daughter and her friends, and the fucking cake. Tony had laughed at that. Loki told him about how the delivery truck was a disaster, and the food that had been left spoiled, and how things were being stolen. It got less and less burdensome and became entertaining. Tony was a great audience. He had the right reactions, and asked good questions. Finally, Loki started telling him about all of the little aggressions the staff had been pointing towards him throughout the week. And when he got to the final scene, Tony wasn’t bright eyed and following along anymore. He was pissed. Loki finished the story, carefully watching Tony’s unspoken anger unfold. So he was upset, after all. 

Loki told him what Rocket had said, and about Grey crying in his car. Finished, he took a swig of his beer and stared at Tony.

Tony waited for a moment, seeing if there might be more. When Loki said nothing else, Tony looked away, face set hard. His eyes darted over the apartment as he thought. Loki took another drink, waiting. 

“Did you stay because of me?” Tony asked. 

Loki scratched the side of his face. There wasn’t an answer for that. Tony pushed out a hard breath. “You would’ve been crazy if you hadn’t gotten pissed,” Tony said. 

Loki laughed. It was fast and a little giddy, aided by the alcohol and stress he’d been carrying. “What?” 

“I’m serious,” Tony said. “If you’d put up with that much disrespect without getting angry about it, you’d be an idiot.” 

Loki picked at the beer’s label. “Or just working,” he said. 

“Do you really believe that?” Tony asked. There was a sharpness that Loki didn’t like. 

“I don’t have the level temperament to stick things out,” Loki said. “That’s been made abundantly clear to me.” 

“Who says that?” Tony asked. Loki picked his takeout box up. If Thor had thrown a fit over people in the boardroom being dicks, he would’ve lost his job. “Loki,” Tony said. He picked at another shrimp. “There’s no reason to stay miserable. It’s pointless.” How easy for him to say. Loki ate one of the broccoli, enjoying the crunch between his teeth. “If all we’ve got is a few miserable trips around the sun on this rock, we might as well enjoy it, right? That crappy restaurant’s not worth it.” 

“Are you getting philosophical now?” Loki asked. 

Tony shook his head. There was no way around it. Tony was pissed. Loki wondered if it just took Tony longer to be out about it. “Why didn’t you pick up your phone last night?” 

Loki ate another shrimp. “I dropped it on the floor.” 

“I called you ten times.” Loki could feel the surprise show on his face. “Didn’t you see?” 

“I didn’t check for missed calls before I heard it ringing,” Loki said. “And right now it’s—” He had to think about it. “On the bed or the floor.” 

“I knew that Walker had let you go, but he wasn't upset about it. He had no idea what was going on in that kitchen until you got there. He’s more about controlling his image than anything. He didn’t like looking like he wasn’t in charge of the kitchen. Honestly, if I talked to him, I could probably get him to take you back, but I wanted to know what you were thinking. I knew you’d see things for what they were, and I wanted to hear what happened from you. There’s no way I’d let you go back now.” Tony snuck his foot back over to rest against Loki. “And the—the business side, don’t worry about that. Walker understands business, even if he flops on it with his restaurant. Won’t affect me.” Loki set the takeout box down. It was obvious that Tony had a lot that he wanted to say, but that he wasn’t sharing all of it. Freeing his hands, Loki leaned to his side, propping himself against the couch cushion. 

Tony rubbed the back of his neck. For the first time that evening, his voice lost the tense edge. “I didn’t realize how many hours you worked.” He smiled. “I really screwed myself over putting you there, huh?” Loki grinned to the side. Tony set his beer down and placed his hands on his knees. “I kind of thought that maybe you were done with me, since you’d gotten a job,” Tony said. “You didn’t complain in your texts, I didn’t realize—” Loki shook his head, glancing away. Tony let out a deep sigh. “So if I ask, are we okay still?” 

Loki smiled to the side. It was soft. He was so tired, and Tony was so close. “If I haven’t scared you off,” Loki said. Tony grinned. 

“So can I come over to that side? Because if I don’t get to touch you at some point I think I might die.” 

Loki rolled his eyes, but opened his arms as he laid back down against the armrest. After hesitating a moment, Tony crawled in over his chest. It wasn’t a natural action yet, but the weight felt right, like it could be. Loki closed his eyes. The ache was bleeding out of him. He hadn’t known that he needed this. There was more to be said between them, but for now it seemed that it was better left alone. Tony didn’t try to kiss him. For a while they just laid there, listening to the dull hum of the refrigerator. “Can we, uh, watch a movie or something?” Tony muttered. He seemed genuinely tired suddenly. “No funny business,” he added. Loki pointed to the remote on the coffee table. 

They shifted so that they were on their sides. Tony flipped through the channels at random, staying on one thing for three minutes before moving to something else entirely. Loki started to drift off. He was just about to really fall asleep when he felt Tony’s chest vibrate as he spoke. “Tomorrow I’ve got this sales call. It’s an hour drive, and since you’re free now, I thought we could take the trip there together and then go out for lunch. I don’t have to go back to work afterwards.” 

Loki tugged his sleepy eyes open. They’d never been on a…well it wasn’t really a date, was it? Tony’s shampoo smelled fucking good, as always. “Sure,” Loki yawned. He wasn’t going to think about it. Instead he drifted off. He didn’t wake up again until Tony was prodding him to go to the bedroom. Tony seemed a little uncomfortable doing it, like he wasn’t quite at home in the apartment, or maybe he just wanted Loki in the bed with him. He said he couldn’t sleep on the couch. Loki just wrapped his arm around Tony’s back as they walked in and crashed into the bed. He fell right back asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

The dull horn of a car passed by the window, pulling Loki from sleep. Blinking slowly, he saw that the room was a wash of hazy blue light. It was still dark, but with enough light to guess that it was around five in the morning. There was a thin line of sweat on his brow, and the bed was far too hot. He moved to find a colder spot and remembered that Tony was there. 

He propped himself up on his elbow and turned over his shoulder to look. Tony was passed out, brows furrowed in a dream. He was wearing his jeans and shirt from yesterday. For a moment, Loki just enjoyed the sight of Tony being there. With his rumpled hair and one leg sprawled sideways as if in an army crawl, and his wrinkled shirt that rode up his side to show off ribs and a thick trail of hair along the center of his stomach. 

Loki grinned. It was nice that Tony had shown up yesterday. He certainly hadn’t been obligated to. 

Loki glanced out the window. He’d slept so much yesterday that he knew that there was little chance of falling back asleep now. Quietly, careful not to wake Tony, he slid out of bed. 

He padded over to the closet door and silently pulled it open. He heard the mattress squeak and glanced back. Tony was still sound asleep, he’d just rolled over to where Loki had been. Grabbing some clothes, Loki went to take a shower. 

He was fairly certain that Tony would hear the water pounding against the acrylic shower floor and pretty much anything that happened in the echoing room, but he hoped that Tony would fall back asleep anyway. The faucet handle groaned as he turned it on. He lathered his skin, hiding his fit arms beneath a foam of white before rinsing it off to the inked designs below. Sleek and heavy, his soaked hair fell against his neck as he bent down, the ridges of his spine appearing beneath pallid skin. Water dripped down his chin. He rubbed his eyes. In the early morning hours, it felt like this and the past couple of days were just a dream or a nightmare that he had yet to wake up from. 

He rinsed off and stepped out, soaking the thin floor rug. He dried off quickly, squeezing the towel along his hair and grimacing before dressing in the clothes he’d lumped on the sink. Slowly, he pulled the bathroom door open. He took a few steps over to the cracked bedroom door and glanced inside. Tony was still asleep, on his stomach now, his chest rising and falling ever so slowly. Loki carefully closed the door. 

He flipped on the yellow kitchen light. He started the coffee pot and collected the candy bars as he waited for it to finish. Loki put them back into their bag and carefully hid that away in a cabinet. He had a cup of coffee. The display said it was five forty-five in the morning. Loki’s mind drifted back to that damn kitchen and getting fired, avoiding thoughts about last night. He knew he was going to be driving somewhere with Tony today, but that seemed unreal while Tony was asleep in the bedroom, or at least too far off to bother thinking about. 

Instead, he made breakfast. The routine was easy. He enjoyed this when it didn’t involve barking at idiots. There wasn’t much to it and it cleared his head. He made himself some french toast and ate alone, setting aside extra for when Tony woke up. Every once in a while he’d feel a swell of excitement for the day. Then he’d carefully fold it back down. There was no use getting ahead of himself. 

Tony found him two hours later, lazily browsing the internet on his laptop with the third cup of coffee in hand. Tony slouched against the doorframe. “I’ve got to get home and shower,” Tony said, rubbing his face. He yawned. One hand set against the doorframe, propping him away from it. “And I need to stop at the office. Appointment’s at twelve.” He started rubbing his face again. Loki had already learned that Tony was not made for mornings. 

Loki’s sharp eyes set on him. It was suddenly real, with Tony awake and moving. Now he could feel uncertain. Distracting himself, he nodded his head towards the counter behind him. “Oh,” Tony said. “Yum.” A flicker of embarrassment streaked his face at the word, but he brushed past Loki and the table to grab his plate. He set the plate beside Loki and started for the coffee pot. “Can’t eat long though, we’ve really got to go to make it on time.” 

Loki closed the laptop lid slowly. “Where is it at?” He ignored the eager jump in his chest, considering the possibilities. 

“It’s a small town,” Tony said. He sat down and began eating quickly, chewing faster than his exhausted face seemed capable of. “Probably has a population of 500 or something, but that keeps the cost down. It’s a good account.” He wiped some syrup from his mouth. “Did you sleep okay?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. Tony swallowed another mouthful. “You?” He asked, wondering what that little flicker on Tony’s face before asking had meant. 

“I think I might take a look at your air conditioner later,” Tony said. He dropped his gaze down to the table and grabbed his mug. “Probably needs a new filter.” 

“I’ll call maintenance,” Loki said. Tony shook his head and took a longer sip of coffee. There were heavy bags beneath his eyes. “If you’re tired, I can drive,” he offered, surprising himself as he did. Despite how casual it seemed, the conversation didn’t feel natural or easy. 

“Nah,” Tony said. “I slept. Just woke up with nightmares and shit. Heat probably,” He said, and it took no guessing to realize that the subject was not open for discussion. Tony finished off the last bite and reached for his coffee. He took a heavy sip trying to finish it. “Are you ready? We’ve got to get going.” 

Loki smiled wryly to the side, eyes set on Tony as he focused on finishing off his coffee. “Yeah,” he said. Standing from the table, he walked into the living room to look for his phone. It was on the floor under the couch. By the time he’d gone into the bedroom and got his wallet, Tony was waiting at the door. He grinned, wide and charming when Loki joined him, as if they both weren’t fucking tired. Tony unlocked the car with an electronic chirp when they reached the parking lot. 

Loki carefully pulled open the door and sat down. The inside of Tony’s car was absolutely sleek. It had ventilated leather seats, a broad touch screen with a map pointing to Loki’s apartment already lit up, and an elegant design that screamed affluence. But it was comfortably human too. There were fast food wrappers on the floor, a wad of letters jammed into the visor, and as Loki clicked on his seatbelt and glanced in the back seat, he saw that there were boxes stuffed with what appeared to be office papers. This felt like a place that Tony lived in, unlike his house. He felt more comfortable here. Tony said nothing as he put the car in reverse and started them for the road. 

The radio babbled away with ads. Loki relaxed into the seat as they sped up. Tony yawned, rubbing his eye when they reached a stop light. “What do you have to pick up at the office?” Loki asked as the car set in motion again. A neutral topic seemed safe. He had no idea what to talk about. 

“Presentation props,” Tony said. He answered slowly, like he hadn’t quite woken up yet. “I’d do the whole thing digitally, but tactile sells.” He reached over and turned the air up, making it colder. He yawned again. “Here,” he said, flipping through the radio. It settled on an alternative rock station. Loki didn’t say anything. He let his attention drift out the window instead.

It was a long drive to Tony’s house. He knew that. The morning commuter traffic didn’t make it any better, although after a while they were on outer roads going towards Tony’s. The silence in the car wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t comfortable either. There seemed to be something on Tony’s mind, but Loki wasn’t about to pick at it. When Tony parked, Loki stared out at the house for the second time. He took off his seatbelt with a dull click. 

Walking up to the house with Tony was better than walking up alone, but he couldn’t shake feeling out of place. Tony walked him into the living room. “You can watch tv,” Tony said, flipping it on with the remote. “I won’t be long.” Loki sat on the couch as Tony started up the stairs. He didn’t touch the remote. The tv was on some pawn store documentary. Loki rubbed a hand against his jaw. 

He didn’t particularly care for this couch or the memory it brought back. Standing, he surveyed the room. It was just as immaculate as before. Now that it was daylight, he could see out the long windows lining the back of the room. There was a large pool just outside. Manicured palm trees and tropical shrubs had been arranged around the perimeter. 

The sound from the tv irritated him. He flipped it off and tossed the remote back on the table. Finding nothing interesting enough to look at in the room, he walked back towards the far windows to look over the pool. There was an automatic cleaner along the bottom slowly chugging along. He watched its shadow pace back and forth, losing track of time.

“Lo—” Tony’s voice barked. It broke just as Loki turned around. Spotting him, Tony relaxed. “Oh. There you are. Uh, we don’t have time for a swim,” Tony said lightly. He fiddled with his tie. “We’ve got to go.” 

“Right,” Loki said. Tony waited until Loki was at his side until moving through the rest of the house. They made small talk on the way to the car. Loki clicked the seatbelt in automatically, waiting for the car to start. He didn’t like Tony’s house any more the second time. His eyes drifted towards the window. 

Tony paused in his seat, hands fixed to the steering wheel. He drummed them anxiously for a few seconds, then returned to a hard grip. 

“I know the car ride’s boring,” Tony said, speaking to the windshield. “But I—thought this would be better than waiting until this evening to see each other.” It was troubling Tony, that much was clear, but Loki had no idea why it should. It was boring, yes, but it’s not like he expected errands to excite him. They hadn't even gone anywhere new yet. 

“I don’t mind,” Loki said. He paused and leaned his arm against the door. “But your music could be better.” 

Tony smirked, releasing the steering wheel. “Here,” he said, tapping at the screen. It turned into a display of his music library. “Whatever you want.” 

Loki reached out a finger for the screen. He liked the feeling of having something of Tony’s shared with him. He flicked through a few titles. “Are these yours or did they come preloaded?” 

“Nothing in this car is preloaded,” Tony said, sounding mildly offended. He finally put the car in reverse and started backing out. “I designed the program for that myself.” 

The prideful statement was meant to knock Loki back one, but he was ready for it. “So Caramelldansen is yours then.” The dry, teasing tone caused Tony to break into an indignant grin. 

“Hey,” Tony scolded. “It brings back some good memories.” Tony laughed awkwardly as they took towards the highway. He reached over and brought the GPS back up, selecting a preprogrammed address before returning it to the music screen. 

“Memories of what?” Loki asked. “Being in a Swedish dance club or watching too many youtube videos with anime characters?” 

“Laughing at memes while I fixed coding,” he said. “Now shut up.” Tony said it said jokingly, but he flinched, as if he’d done something wrong. “Don’t make us listen to it,” he said, rubbing his nose. 

“Oh no, I would never do that,” Loki said dramatically, finger hovering over the word. He didn’t really want to press it, but he did want to watch Tony squirm over it. Tony was holding his breath like he was resigned to his fate. That wasn’t much fun. Loki flipped through for more songs instead. He ignored the large selection of classical music, then the hard rock, and random pop songs though out. “You have audiobooks,” Loki said. 

“Yeah. I need something to think about when I drive sometimes,” Tony said. 

“Hmm. The Critical Business Plan, An Introduction to Italian, The Machine Age…” 

“Pick something or I will,” Tony said. His eyes were set on the road. Loki had scrolled down just enough to read the next title. _The PTSD Toolkit._ He immediately flicked the screen upwards. His finger landed on an album by Iggy and the Stooges. “What? You don’t want to learn Italian?” Tony asked as the music started to play. 

“How do you know that I don’t?” Loki asked. 

“Parli Italiano?” 

Loki sunk back into his seat with a sullen “no.” Tony laughed. Loki grinned. “Did I miss seeing Eat, Pray, Love in that playlist, because if it’s on there, you’d better let me out of this fucking car right now—”

“It’s not, it’s not,” Tony reassured him. He was in a better mood now, as if he’d let go of whatever it was that he’d been thinking about. “It’s been a while since I updated that thing anyway.” 

It was easier to talk after that. They traded their opinions on music and books until they reached Tony’s office. Loki stayed in the car as Tony rushed inside. He glanced back towards the music library. It took him two seconds to decide to scroll to the end of the list. 

He felt a second sting of guilt as he saw the PTSD book. It didn’t seem like Tony remembered that it was there, and Loki doubted that he’d been meant to see it. He thought back to the conversation that Thor’s friends had been having. Did it have to do with that, or what Tony had told him about his chest, or something else? He scrolled through, but there were no clues in the rest of the titles. Just a lot of audiobooks and podcasts on a wide range of subjects. Tony clearly made an effort to learn. 

Loki stared at the screen, eyes going unfocused. He didn’t really know Tony. 

He knew that. It wasn’t a surprise. They’d barely had time to be around each other. Hell, he didn’t even like the guy’s fucking house. But it felt like he should know Tony. Or that he did, a little. The way Tony had a tendency to share things made it feel like they were already a lot closer in some ways, and he’d been sharing things with Tony that he’d never been loose lipped on before.

There was so much going on beneath the surface with Tony, and he was just starting to learn. Loki glanced back at the title before hiding it in the playlist again. He really hoped that someday Tony would share those things with him. 

_God. Fuck._

He leaned the side of his forehead against the glass of the car door, smiling painfully and trying not to laugh at himself. He’d really gone and fucked himself over, hadn’t he? He liked this one. He was _worrying_ about this one. Loki pressed a hand to his forehead. Shit. The only person he worried about anymore was Thor, and that was something that he tried not to act on. 

The stupid git never took his advice anyway. 

Loki jumped when he heard the car door open. Tony shoved some boards in the backseat and hurried around to the driver’s side. “Okay,” Tony said. He hadn’t noticed Loki startle. “Let’s go.” Tony drummed his thumbs along the steering wheel as he got the car out of the parking lot. The GPS politely told him which highway he’d be taking. “That’s what Jarvis is going to sound like,” Tony said proudly. 

Loki glanced at the screen. “I like it,” he said. Tony grinned, ready to take it from there now that he had Loki’s approval. 

“I’m working on the personality part of the program, I don’t want him to be boring. I thought I’d give him a sense of humor.” 

Loki smiled to the side. “You’d better be careful,” he said. “He might poke fun at you.” He paused. “It’s easy, you know.”

“Do I make it too easy?” Tony asked. He smiled at Loki. “You don’t take advantage of it enough, then.” 

“I won’t let the next opportunity pass me by.” 

Tony smirked at that. He fidgeted with the controls on the steering wheel. He went back to telling Loki about Jarvis, and how he’d been designing him. The conversation was easy, but the closer they got to the office building, the more subtle hints there were that Tony was getting nervous. “You’ll be fine,” Loki said as Tony parked the car. 

Tony stuck the keys in his pocket. “Fine about…?” 

Loki rolled his eyes. He knew Tony was playing stupid. “Your meeting, jackass.” 

“Oh. Thanks,” Tony said. He reached around to grab the boards out of the backseat with a tiny caught smile on his face. Loki got out of the car and leaned his elbows over the roof, waiting. Tony got some more papers and his briefcase out of the backseat. The building wasn't particularly impressive. A warm wind blew against them. They started across the small parking lot for a pair of glass doors. 

Inside, there was a medium sized, overly navy waiting area. “I’ll entertain myself,” Loki said, starting for one of the chairs. 

“I won’t be too long,” Tony promised. The receptionist had spotted him and was picking up his phone. Loki raised one eyebrow, giving Tony a long, provocative but skeptical look. “I won’t,” Tony said. 

“Just remember what’s waiting for you,” Loki said, picking a magazine off of a table and sitting down. When he glanced up Tony was staring at him but quickly looked away. Then he was coating on the charm for an underwhelmed receptionist while Loki read about ten ways to have a firmer butt. Tony was ushered off to another hallway where loud voices greeted him. Loki propped one of his feet up on the edge of the chair. 

He’d gone from thinking that it was all over to waiting in a reception room for the man.

And caring about his fucking baggage, apparently. 

But it wasn’t a chase that he was ready to give up. It felt like there was something waiting at the end, and he certainly wasn’t ready to kick Tony out. So he flipped through every fucking magazine in the place for the next hour while the receptionist gave him dirty looks. Finally Tony came out, looking way brighter than when he’d gone in. Loki grinned. “You got it,” he said. Tony nodded his head.

“You have no idea,” he muttered, starting for the car. 

Loki stretched before getting back inside. Tony dumped his things in the back and hopped into the driver’s seat. “Thanks for putting up with all of that.” 

Loki shrugged. It had just occurred to him that his temper hadn’t flared out of control once today, despite how tedious it had been so far. 

“It’s kind of nice to do this with someone else,” Tony said. They began passing through the sparse business district. In a couple of minutes they’d be back on the highway. “I’ve never had anyone come with me, actually.” 

“I’m happy to provide you with a warm body,” Loki said dryly. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Tony said. He let out a heavy sigh. “I meant with you, asshole. It was fun with you.” 

That hung in the air for a moment. “Until now, apparently,” Loki said. He grinned, and then he laughed. He was relieved when Tony followed. They zipped past a mile marker as they got on the highway. 

“God,” Tony said, letting out a deep sigh. “Fuck, uh, here’s the thing—” Loki tensed. “I feel really fucking awful about what happened with the job, and setting you up.” 

Some of the tension left him. Tony was keeping his eyes on the road, so Loki followed suit. It was a one lane highway with nothing but agriculture. “We went through that,” he said. “It’s fine. I’m the one that fucked up.” 

“No,” Tony said. “You didn’t. Don’t apologize for those assholes—”

“I’m not apologizing,” Loki cut him off. 

“Fine,” Tony said. “Not apologizing. Just.” He drew in another deep breath. “I fucked up, alright? And I don’t want to fuck this up.” Tony squeezed his eyes shut for a second as if on reflex. “Let me try again, okay? I’ll buy you lunch anywhere you want, but you’ve got to pick because I’m nervous about where I take you.” 

Loki’s gaze dropped to the dashboard. Why the hell was Tony freaking out? He thought about it for a moment. “Do you think I’m pissed at you?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. His grip on the wheel tightened. Loki turned to study his face, admiring Tony’s features despite the tension. “I mean, aren’t you?” 

Loki laughed softly. “Oh, if I’m pissed you’ll know it. I don’t hide it very well.” 

The gears turned in Tony’s head remarkably fast. “I guess,” he said, placated a little. “But you’re…you haven’t talked as much today, and you didn’t talk to me all week.” Tony’s voice wavered between anxious and angry. Loki listened to the anxiety first. He knew what to do, suddenly. Tony needed him to lead. He could do that. A sense of calm set in. 

“I’m not upset with you, Tony. I’m actually rather impressed.” He licked his lip. “You didn’t do anything wrong, and even if you had, you’ve apologized for it. You’ve already accomplished more than most people in my life.” He rubbed one hand over the other. “I mean, fuck.” Loki’s stubborn green eyes drifted towards the ceiling. “If anyone fucked up, we both fucked up, alright?” He glanced back at the road just in time to see a massive truck pass them. “And I—I’m sorry. I should’ve called you and had my phone on yesterday.” It only seemed fair to apologize, and if he didn’t do it, he’d be just like the father he’d alluded to. 

The effect on Tony was unmistakable. His shoulders dropped, and the harsh, cynical edge in his face dropped right out to something soft and human that was almost painful to look at. 

“We both fucking suck at this, don’t we?” Loki asked. His smile was bitter as he leaned his elbow against the window ledge.

A broad smile lit Tony’s face instead. “Yeah,” Tony said, sounding relieved. “God. We fucking do. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” 

“Me either,” Loki said. The admission made him feel lighter. He glanced back towards Tony, a bit more at ease. 

Tony dropped back into his seat from a tension Loki hadn’t recognized. He laughed, and then Loki couldn’t help but laugh, because it was all so fucking stupid. Their laughter faded like the end of a heavy rain. “So, should we try this thing over?” Tony asked. “Get some lunch and do whatever responsible adults do in these situations?” 

“Why? So we can fuck it up again?” Loki spread his feet in the narrow space under the dash. Tony was grinning too. “Fuck that. Let’s stop at the weirdest diner we can find on the way back, eat the greasiest shit we can get, and then try to fuck our way through our heart attacks when we get back.” Tony laughed. Damn, Loki needed more of that sound. 

“That I can do,” Tony said. He turned the music over to hard rock and shot Loki an approving grin that sank into his core. The music buoyed upward as a small smile curled onto his lips. 

They wound up at a diner that looked like it was out of the Twilight Zone. Less than half the tables were filled, and the music was too loud. Tony leaned an arm over the back of the booth and ripped the papered end of a straw off with his teeth. He blew the wrapper off with his mouth. It shot into the seat beside Loki. 

Loki rolled his eyes and crumpled it into a little ball that he flicked at Tony. It hit him squarely in the chest. He smirked just as the waitress brought over their food. It wasn’t going to be good, but that didn’t really matter. Tony tore into his burger appreciatively as Loki took another sip of his drink. His eyes drifted towards the people sitting around them. “I think we’re the most interesting pair here,” he said. 

Tony glanced over. “Probably not,” he said, taking a bite out of several fries. “That guy over there looks like he runs a crime ring.” 

“With a plaid shirt?” 

“Look at the shoes,” Tony said, squirting more ketchup onto the plate. Loki hummed. Tony was right. “The guy next to him probably drives an ice-cream truck, though.” 

“The mustache gives that away,” Loki said. 

“No, I think it’s his cheeks,” Tony said. Loki frowned. He wouldn’t give Tony that. 

“They probably use the ice-cream truck in their deals.” He looked for another pair. “That couple to the right is ten minutes away from fucking around in the bathroom.” 

Tony shook his head. “Nah. They look like siblings.”

“Do you touch your sibling’s feet under the table like that?” Loki asked. 

“I don’t have any. I wouldn’t know,” Tony said. Loki gave him a him deadpan stare until he cracked. “Fine. No. But he looks like he’s got a collection of taxidermy pet dogs in his basement.” 

“And she looks like she has a job in an oddities shop, so I think it’ll work out.” Loki shoved a bite of the hamburger into his mouth. It was overcooked, but he was hungry. Tony picked out their next target. 

“Blue shirt. Runs a tropical fish shop, is in debt from an addiction to a phone sex line, and drinks too much at family gatherings.” Tony took a huge bite of his burger. 

Loki gestured towards a man at the counter. “Comes in here at the same time everyday, orders the same thing, probably cheating on his wife with his real estate agent and has a large sum of money hidden somewhere.” 

“That’s bleak,” Tony said. “I think our waitress is a year or two away from becoming a real estate agent.” 

“Her earrings could go either way.” He wiped his greasy fingers on a paper napkin. When he looked up, Tony was staring at him with brown eyes that carried more soul than anyone had a right to have. There was a tiny grin on the side of his mouth. Loki could feel a question coming on, even though he was a little too distracted to prepare for it. 

Tony’s foot slid along his under the table. “If you want to be like that couple, you don't have to ask,” Loki said. Tony grinned, shaking his head a little. 

“No,” he said. “And they haven’t gotten up to go to the bathroom yet, so I might still be right.” 

“It hasn’t been ten minutes yet,” Loki said. 

Tony’s arm returned to resting along the back of the booth. “Loki,” he said, as if weighing the name on his tongue. Tony studied him for a few seconds before continuing. “What do you want to do this week?” He asked quickly, casually. “Go to a movie or something? Let’s go out somewhere. Or we could go to god I don’t know, a museum? Park? What do you like?” 

Loki had to think about that. He didn’t wander out much anymore, and it seemed like he should pick something that would go over well with Tony. Something that would suit them. But he needed to answer, he couldn’t think it all over. “Any of those,” he said. Tony’s lips went a tad bit flatter. He’d wanted an exact answer, it seemed. “My apartment’s fine, you don’t have to do anything fancy. I told you. I’m not in this because I want to see where you can take me to.” 

Loki didn’t exactly like saying that. As much as it was true, and as much as he liked the apartment, being out in public like this was nice. It made things feel a little more real in a way. He just had to be careful. He couldn’t afford to do this all of the time. “Yeah,” Tony said. “But I want to.” It didn’t sound cloying. It was blunt, maybe even a little bit happy. “I haven’t taken anyone out that wasn’t a one time thing or a business associate in years.” 

“Then you pick,” Loki said. He hadn’t either, and maybe he wanted Tony to choose. “Just don’t make it sappy, I told you—”

“No romantic shit. I know,” Tony said. His eyes drifted over as he thought about something for a moment and then reached in his pocket for his phone. Loki saw Tony’s calendar light up on the screen. His expression changed as he stared at something. “Thor’s having a party on the 18th. Are you going to that one?” 

“Not unless I get roped into it,” Loki said. Tony dropped his phone back into his suit pocket. Loki cleared his throat. He tucked his hair back behind his ear. “I haven’t told him,” he said. 

“I know,” Tony said. “But, uh, I’d kind of like to introduce you to my friends.” He avoided eye contact, going for the last of his fries instead. 

"I've met them," Loki said. "They were at the party. That's how I met you." 

"I know," Tony said. "But as...you know." 

He wasn't going to say the word, and Loki knew that he sure as hell wasn't either.

Loki watched him run the fries through bright red ketchup. He didn’t want to deal with Thor at all, but if this was going to work and go on, then it would become unavoidable. “You could invite them over,” Loki suggested a bit stiffly. 

“Thor’s my friend too,” Tony said, still avoiding his eyes. “Even if he hates my guts sometimes.” He’d finished the last of the fries and needed something new to distract himself with. He stared down at his plate. Loki didn’t know how to answer, and he could feel irritation sweeping up. And lunch had been going so well. Tony’s foot shifted against his, almost as if Tony was prodding him to answer. 

He liked that Tony wanted to introduce him to his friends. That part felt good. But Thor…why the fuck did Tony have to know Thor? It was inconvenient. “I…” If he said no, Tony might get upset. Things had been fragile enough the last week. He didn’t need to push his luck any further. “I guess,” he said. Tony smiled up at him. 

It was the kind of smile that was worming its way into Loki’s stiff chest with an alarming frequency. He stared down at his half eaten meal instead. Tony reached for the check that had been left on the table. The couple from the far table stood up. “Look,” Tony said. 

They started in the direction of the bathrooms, but at the last moment they turned and went to the register to pay for their meal. “Damn,” Loki said. 

Tony chuckled as he stood up. “Let’s go,” he said. 

It was mid afternoon as they walked back to the car. Tony wanted to go back to his place and change out of his suit, and Loki was trying to decide whether he wanted to settle for screwing around in Tony’s uncomfortable house, or talk Tony into going out for drinks. The debate drifted out of his mind as they drove. Tony had eased up and was making him laugh harder than he had in months. Finally, it was starting to click. Their snark and sharp back and forth from their texts was finally coming into their spoken conversations and it was wonderful. At one point, he thought they were going to have to pull over because Tony was laughing so hard. 

He was tired from the day and a little bit dizzy from laughing when he decided that despite whatever hesitations he had, this thing might really work. They just needed time, and that was all that he wanted. Time, and for things to get a bit easier between them. Or to just catch a god damn break for once. Oh, and for Tony to fuck him. That would be nice too.


	9. Chapter 9

“No,” Loki said, slowly combing his fingers through his dark hair. His other hand pressed the phone to his ear. “I don’t think there’s any particular way to do it that won’t suck.” There was a sore spot on his back from leaning against the counter for so long, but he ignored it. Tony’s voice was bright and assured on the line. They’d mentioned it a few times during the week, but now that it was tomorrow, they were really discussing it.

“Well, I don’t think the big guy will hold it against me, but I wanted to give you the chance to do it on your terms,” Tony said. “Since he’s your brother.” Loki wished that Tony’s voice mirrored some of the dread, or even the doubt that he was feeling, but Tony’s confidence was a little reassuring too, in a comforting way. Tony had been friends with Thor for a long time. He probably understood him in ways Loki didn’t, but Loki probably understood things about Thor that Tony couldn’t.

“Your way’s fine,” Loki said. “I’ll meet you in the parking lot and we can walk up together.”

“Is it okay if I tell him I’m bringing a guest? Kind of lead up to it?” Tony asked. “I think it’d help.” 

“Or backfire,” Loki said. It was flippant, but Tony paused. Loki could almost picture the frown that had to be on the other end. But Tony’s return was just as sure as before. 

“I think it’ll be fine,” Tony said. “I’ll tell everyone I’m bringing a guest, that I want to introduce them to somebody.” Tony was excited about introducing him. He hadn’t said it directly, but Loki could tell. Loki smiled, staring at the floor. “That way it’ll kind of be expected. And I…I mean, maybe we should tell Thor before?” 

He was seeking Loki’s permission, but Loki didn’t want to go through an awkward introduction with Thor. It’d be easier to just get that over at once. There was also the advantage that maybe he’d hold back in front of his friends if he got upset. “We can tell him at the party,” Loki said. 

“Okay,” Tony answered. Loki propped one foot over the other, switching the phone to the opposite ear. “Hey, uh, you wanna come over tonight? I have to be at work early tomorrow, but maybe we can hang out a little tonight?” 

Loki unhooked his leg and leaned off the counter. He began to pace the narrow line between the counter and the table. After their mini road trip, he’d stayed at Tony’s until the evening and then had Tony bring him home. Loki wasn’t about to stay the night there just so that he could spend the whole day waiting around the house for Tony to come back like some sort of kept pet. Tony’d seemed a bit put out about it, but he didn’t say anything. “It’s late,” Loki said. “By the time I’d get there you’d be going to sleep and I’d be driving back.” 

“You can sleep here,” Tony said. 

Loki grimaced. “It’s inconvenient for you, and we’ll see each other at the party tomorrow anyway,” Loki said lightly. He had to play it carefully and not bruise Tony’s ego. He’d refused to go over to Tony’s house earlier in the week too, and Tony had spent the next day _in lab_. Tony acted like it was unrelated, but Loki knew better. “I want you to have all of your strength then,” Loki said, sweet talking it and making it suggestive. He rolled his eyes towards the ceiling, wanting to choke on his tongue. But it worked. 

Tony chuckled. “Fine,” Tony said. “It is getting late anyway.” He yawned, then something sounded in the background. A microwave. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Tony said. It almost sounded like a question, but Loki wasn’t entirely sure. 

“Tomorrow,” Loki agreed. “Good night.” 

“Good night,” Tony said. After a heartbeat of silence, Loki turned off the phone and set it on the counter. He rubbed his thumb over the curled fingers of his other hand. He had to do something about Tony and the whole your place or mine thing, because Tony had definitely noticed. He hadn’t asked yet directly, but he was persistent in his invitations. 

Loki’s mind darted to the party. He had no idea how Thor would react. Tony seemed certain that it’d be fine. Tony and Thor had been friends since college almost, and Loki had the distinct impression that Tony and his friends were close in the way that people had been through something traumatic together were. He assumed that it was from them helping Tony through the betrayal and collapse of his father’s company. He kind of vaguely remembered Thor talking about it at the time. That was the other thing. He needed to know more from Thor. 

Loki scratched a hand through his hair, ruffling it. He’d see how things went tomorrow. He grabbed his laptop and went into his bedroom to lay down and watch a movie.

* * * 

Tony yanked on the cotton collar of his shirt, fussing with his appearance compulsively as Loki leaned against the car. “And Steve acts wholesome and innocent, but keep an eye on him. He’s started a few fights when he gets riled up about something,” Tony said.

Loki drummed his fingers against his crossed arms, enjoying the way that Tony’s expensive jeans were a bit too tight on him. “Dry humor goes over well with Sam, don’t challenge Clint on anything that I don’t want a debate on, and be sweet with Bruce. Got it,” Loki said. He’d heard the rundown that afternoon when Tony called, and again now. They’d been in the parking lot for a good ten minutes already. The warm summer air was a little muggy and there were bugs swarming the lamp posts above. 

Tony was just a couple inches shorter than him, but it made his smile that much more endearing when he grinned up at Loki. “Do I look okay?” 

“Turn around,” Loki said. 

Tony gave him a reproachful look, but took a slow, circular turn. “Do you need another eyeful or should I drop something on the ground and pick it up?” Loki grinned, sharp and appreciative. “Seriously, though.” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. “You’re fine.” 

Tony walked up to him, hovering a few inches from his chest. He stared down at Loki’s shirt. “Too fine, or save it for later fine?” 

“Like if you talk about it anymore I’ll take you home and have you to myself and leave this fucking party,” Loki said. In a split second, Tony’s hand reached up and Loki’s arm dropped around his back on instinct as Tony pulled him for a kiss. For a fleeting moment it was desperate and awkward, Tony’s teeth overzealous and accidentally clacking into his before Tony adjusted the angle and pulled back after a confusingly tender pull at his bottom lip. 

“Good,” Tony said, stepping away and clasping his hands together. “Let’s go do this thing.” 

Loki ran his tongue along his teeth. He slipped it along his bottom lip where Tony had been. Tony’s eyes were darting over the parking lot, towards the entry to Thor’s apartment, and just about anywhere that wasn’t Loki. “Okay,” Tony said. “Okay.” He started for the doors. Loki followed him, punching in the building code when they got to the doors. “I forgot to bring something,” Tony said when they stepped into the elevator. “Shit, I always bring beer or something.” 

“You brought me,” Loki said. Tony froze for a second, and then started to laugh at the joke. Loki grinned. “Thor won’t mind,” Loki said for Tony’s benefit. “He drinks the same shit all the time anyway.” 

“Yeah,” Tony agreed somewhat distantly as the doors opened to Thor’s hallway. They took the few steps down the hall. Tony paused at the door, but Loki reached past him, sliding his arm along Tony’s side as he grabbed the handle. The door opened to a roar of sound. 

“Hey!” Clint called out. He spotted them first from his perch on the back of the couch. Everyone was gathered around in the living room but Thor. They turned and looked over their shoulders as Clint grinned. 

For a moment Loki and Tony stood frozen in the doorway. 

It was Tony that stepped forward first. “About time you showed up,” Sam teased. 

“Traffic,” Tony said. Sam shrugged and took a sip of his beer. Loki glanced over the apartment for Thor as the door clicked behind them. He was thinking of walking off to find Thor when he felt Tony’s hand reach out and take his. 

“No way,” Clint shouted. It wasn’t mean, just loud. Obnoxious. “Don’t tell me.” 

“I won’t if you don’t let me get a word in,” Tony said. His voice was smooth but his grip on Loki pulsed. 

“Yeah, let the man get a word in,” Steve said. 

“Shove it,” Clint said. Steve smirked. Loki spotted Thor. He rounded the corner from the kitchen with a bottle opener in his hand. His face was bright, like he hadn’t recognized that anything was out of the ordinary yet. He saw Loki and reacted with surprise, but pleasantly.

“Are you going to let us talk?” Tony said. It was playful, but he’d spotted Thor too. There was a nervous waver at the end of his sentence. “This is who I wanted to introduce. We’re—”

“As your boyfriend?” Clint blurted out. Loki realized that he was drunk in the same moment that he saw Thor’s expression shift. The room tunneled down to just him. Clint’s voice babbled in the background. “I knew those questions weren’t about your _friend_ ! All of your friends are right here. Oh man, that makes so much more sense now…” 

Thor had found his eyes as well. He didn’t look angry, not like Loki had expected. His gaze shifted from being set purposefully on Loki to a quick glance in Tony’s direction, as if evaluating him. When he spoke it was to answer Loki. He held his hands up. “Of course you are,” he said. It was like he didn’t know which of the two to be disappointed in. “I don’t need details.” 

Thor sat down on the couch and passed the bottle opener over to Jane. “Man, you should’ve told me those questions were about a dude, that one thing is totally awkward now.” Clint said. Thor wasn’t upset. Loki’s attention stuck on him. Thor wasn’t upset, it wasn’t hidden anywhere. He was exasperated, or resigned maybe, but not upset. For the tiniest of moments, Loki felt a swell of affection towards Thor that he had not allowed himself in ages. The hand holding his moved, bringing him back to reality. 

He’d not been paying attention. Tony had loosened up and was starting to work his hand out of Loki’s. Loki made it easy and let go. He wiped his hand on his jeans. At some point Tony’s had gotten slightly sweaty. “Congrats,” Steve was saying. “I knew you looked happier lately.” 

“I think you owe me twelve bucks,” Bruce said quietly from the corner of the couch. Clint almost fell off snapping towards him. 

“I’m not paying for your lunch, I bet with you!” 

“Yeah, but you bet that the friend was a girl from work,” Bruce said. Clint slid off the back of the couch and landed on a cushion, almost in Bruce’s lap. 

“What’d you say?” Clint demanded. 

“I said the mystery friend was someone he met randomly.” 

“That’s not even close,” Clint said. The man just smiled dismissively and propped his arm up against the couch, leaning away from Clint. 

They were all chattering away and Loki couldn’t keep up with all of the conversations that were going around. He caught Jane’s bright eyes landing on him and smiled reflexively. He could almost hear her approval. Blessedly, Tony’s arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him out of the center of the room, towards the chair that Steve was sitting in. “A while,” Tony was answering Steve. “When’d you get that shirt?” 

It said army across it, but Loki assumed that was decorative. “Volunteering with Sam at the V.A., but don’t change the subject,” Steve said with a grin. His eyes drifted towards Loki. They were clear, bright blue, and critical for a split second, as if they could judge more of Loki’s worthiness than he could of himself. But the feeling faded and Loki started thinking about the arm that was wrapped around his waist. “It’s good to have you back around,” Steve said. Loki realized that he was being addressed. He smiled, uncertain of what to say that wouldn’t sound like ass kissing. “Tony’s never brought anyone around. You must be special.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, cutting in before Loki could get a word out. “What about that girl at the diner, Rogers?” 

Steve shook his head. “You don’t even want to know the story on that one,” he said. 

“We do,” Tony said. 

Steve sighed. “Long story short, she gets on with Bucky like fire and oil.” 

“Oh,” Tony said. He was about to say something else when a woman with curly red hair sat down on the arm of Steve’s chair. 

“Didn’t think you had it in you, Stark.” This had to be Natasha. Tony laughed, but his fingers squeezed a bit too tightly against Loki’s waist for a second. “You’re a lucky man,” she told Loki. Then she nodded her head to the side. “Mostly. I hear he snores.” 

“I do not,” Tony blurted. 

Natasha raised an eyebrow just as Loki said, “that’s debatable.” 

“Debatable?” Tony asked. “It is or it isn’t.” Steve started to laugh. Tony sighed. “I put up with so much.”

“Yeah, you poor baby, you.” Natasha said. She turned towards Loki conspiratorially. “You know, in college he was a huge nerd. He had posters of molecules lining his room.” 

“You saw my room like once.” Tony said. There was a bit of a bite in it, challenging Natasha. 

She didn’t care in the least. “Once was enough.” 

Tony was going to play the game with her. He wasn’t about to back off from teasing her. Loki decided that he didn’t need to stick around for their banter. He moved to pull out of Tony’s grip and go over to Thor. Tony caught him. When he met the man’s eyes they were the vulnerable, though his face stayed the same. “I’ll be right back,” Loki said. “I want to talk to Thor.” 

Tony let go. He was fine again. He turned back to Natasha with something snarky about her extracurriculars and Steve joined in. Their voices faded. Thor caught Loki’s eye the moment he stepped away. Loki walked towards the kitchen knowing that Thor would follow. 

He pulled open the fridge and took out one of the shitty beers. Then he realized the fucking bottle opener was missing. 

“Here,” Thor said. He held out the opener.

Loki took it from him. He popped the tab as he stared down at the bottle, watching condensation drip down the side. “If you want to lecture me, you’d better get on with it.” He couldn’t quite wrap his head around Thor being fine with it, so he had to give him another opening. The tab snapped hard and clattered on the counter. 

Thor leaned over the counter, propping his elbows against it. His voice dropped down quietly. Loki felt a prickle of apprehension along his spine. Thor only talked like this when they were children getting away with something, or things were unbearably serious. “I’m not going to lecture you on Tony, Loki.” He frowned to the side, ruefully staring at the counter. His voice stayed low. “Just be careful with him, Loki. He’s been through a lot and—” He looked Loki squarely in the eye.

“Are you dating?” He asked. 

Loki didn’t know what else to call it. It’s complicated wasn’t a good enough answer, and he wasn’t about to tell Thor about sex or any of the boundaries and complexities of a situation that he didn’t understand himself. “Yes,” Loki said. “I guess you could call it that.” 

“What would he say?” Thor asked. Loki figured that Thor knew the answer. Tony had made it perfectly clear that they were together. He also understood what Thor was asking, and that Thor would understand his own answer to the question. He understood how Loki’s mind made puzzles of things, sometimes. Sometimes he didn’t have any tolerance for it at all. 

“Yes,” Loki said. 

Thor licked his lip and stood up straight. “Then this means more to him than you probably realize.” The statement hung heavily in Loki’s mind. He looked to Thor with eyes a little younger than usual. “And you can be moody and selfish, Loki. Keep your temper from him.” The young expression instantly morphed back into something sullen and cynical.

“Oh? I had no fucking idea. Do remind me again, would you?” 

Thor took a deep breath. “Loki,” he said tiredly. “Don’t.” He leaned back down against the counter. “I want this to work for you too.” Loki stared down at the counter, clutching the beer with both hands. Thor’s voice returned to its usual timbre. “Now the lecture about mother and father, however—”

“I don’t want to hear it.” 

“Loki, you’ve got to get a job,” Thor said. “You can’t just wait around for the perfect one to come. No one likes work, that’s why it’s called work. Stop being so picky and just pick something—”

“A lovely conversation as usual,” Loki said. He took his beer and started back around the counter. 

“Loki,” Thor said. “Mother’s talking about cutting you off. She thinks it’ll motivate you.” 

Loki stilled. He blinked quickly, squeezing the bottle a little too hard. Finally he pulled in a long breath. Now was not the time. “Because she understands me so well.” 

Thor let that one go. Loki walked back into the living room without a backwards glance. He slipped himself into Tony’s eager arm, which went from feeling cloying to the perfect escape from Thor. He wrestled with the chaotic feelings that had been stirred towards his mother as he smiled for another of Tony’s doting friend’s jokes. God, they fucking adored Tony, and it was like he was a puppy that’d just been lumped in with Tony now to play with. He felt guilty for insulting the mother that he held such loyalty for while feeling a fresh wave of wounded resentment all the same. And then Tony was noticing, or worrying, because he was vying for Loki’s attention just a bit too hard. Loki put it from his mind. 

It was kind of nice to be shown off to Tony’s friends. Sure, it was a little annoying. He didn’t exactly like Tony’s clinging, and it wasn’t like Tony did it when they were alone. But this seemed to mean something to Tony. He was proud of Loki. Loki’d be an idiot not to notice that. The evening started to take on a nice, easy tone. 

Sam was sweet and asked questions about what he cooked with genuine interest. He seemed to like getting tips on cooking. Natasha was sharp and funny, though it seemed that most of it was for her own amusement. Loki had learned their fucking names. He knew now that Steve had a thing for baseball and had taught Tony racquetball in college. He also saw that Tony wanted Steve’s approval on him. Then there was Bruce, who had an easy sort of friendship with Tony that made Loki jealous.

Eventually, he was sitting on the couch with Tony’s arm around him like a teenager. And it didn’t bother him. Not really. Maybe he’d make fun of Tony for it later, but not right now. He sort of liked the way that Tony’s face lit up when he spoke about him, or turned imploringly to him for an answer about him that he didn’t know. 

The night was just starting to wind down when Clint made a suggestion. “I think you need some celebratory shots,” he said. 

Tony hadn’t drunk all night. “I do,” Tony said. Clint got up off the couch to go into the kitchen. Steve leaned forward. He dropped his voice down low, but it wasn’t like he could be out of Loki’s earshot. 

“Don’t over do it,” Steve said.

“Rogers, remind me who fixed your wifi the last time you were bitching about it.” Tony sat up tall, jostling the couch. 

Steve frowned. The command those blue eyes could muster had to be a sin. “You know what happens—”

“Don’t,” Tony cut him off. 

“Fine,” Steve said, sitting back. He got up and went over to the other side of the room to talk to Bruce instead. Loki looked to Tony for an explanation, but he was being avoided. Clint came back carrying a wooden beer flight board lined with filled shot glasses. Loki took one glance at them and decided no. The last thing he wanted to do was drink so much that he couldn’t drive and had to spend the night in Thor’s apartment. 

“Loki,” Jane said as Tony got up to join Clint. She distracted Loki before he could pay attention to what Tony was doing. “I’m really happy for you. Tony’s a nice guy.” Loki smiled. He actually felt a little proud at that, but he went straight into making small talk with Jane. It was easy. He’d done it plenty of times with her before. It was only when the conversation petered out that he saw Tony and Clint were making a real go of the shot glasses. 

“You’re staying here tonight, Clint,” Thor said blandly. “Give me your keys.” 

“I’ve already got them,” Sam said. 

Steve was watching Tony with a particular mingle of concern and contempt. Loki leaned in towards Jane on the couch. “Why is Steve pissed?” He asked quietly. Jane bit her lip, mulling over on the answer, like maybe it wasn’t her place to say. With a short sigh she looked into her glass. Then she leaned over towards Loki’s ear and whispered. 

“Tony gets anxious when he’s really drunk.” Jane’s breath smelled sweet, like her moscato. “Steve’s usually the one to handle his anxiety attacks.” 

Tony laughed loudly at something Clint said, patting him on the back. “Why Steve?” Loki muttered with a little note of jealousy. 

“He has some therapy training from his volunteer work,” Jane said. “So does Sam, I think, but it’s only happened a couple of times. I haven’t been there.” She twirled her glass around and then took a long drink. “Steve hates that Tony drinks when he knows what could happen,” Jane said a little louder, sounding bored. If Loki hadn’t been so focused on what she’d said, he might’ve laughed. Jane got blunt when she drank, and he found that a bit amusing. He couldn’t imagine the things she said to Thor. 

“So he’s angry?” Loki said.

“Mmhm.” Jane set her glass in her lap. 

Loki lifted his bottle to his lips but it was empty. He set it down on the floor. “What’s their relationship like?” 

“Steve and Tony?” Jane asked. Loki nodded his head. “Nothing worth getting jealous over,” she said dryly. Then she giggled. Loki tried not to smile. She was funny. “Tony got Steve socializing again after Bucky’s accident. Then when Tony’s business thing happened, Tony’d always been one way in Steve’s eyes, and then seeing Tony vulnerable like that, I don’t know. They fight a lot. Tony doesn’t do what Steve tells him to do.” Jane tried to draw something with her hands but almost dropped her glass and fumbled for it. “There’s just no click, you know?” 

Loki rubbed his hand over his mouth, morbidly watching the room. “Loki,” Jane said, sounding amused. “No romantic click. They friends click, just not, you know—” She nudged at Loki. “You don’t have to worry. Tony gets on Steve’s nerves. And Steve’s got Bucky.” Loki wasn’t entirely sure that he understand the dynamics. “Besides. I don’t think Steve gets Tony sometimes. They communicate differently.” 

“Jane,” Loki said, but he wasn’t sure what to follow it with. Jane got up with her glass and walked away to the bathroom. For a while he watched Tony and Clint screwing around. He was alone on the couch. Bruce called over to everyone that he was leaving, and they all waved goodbye. Sam left with him. Natasha kneeled down next to Clint and asked him if he’d be staying at Thor’s or if he wanted her to drive him home. He decided to stay. She got up and walked over to Loki. 

“It was nice meeting you,” she said, taking her keys from her pocket. “Come around more often.” 

Loki blinked before putting on a short smile. “I will,” he said. 

Natasha dug inside of her bag for her phone without breaking eye contact. “I mean it,” she said casually. “Bye.” She called over to what remained of the group that she was leaving. For a while after that it was quieter. Tony and Clint were sitting on the floor trying to play quarters at the coffee table. Thor and Steve were in the kitchen, and Loki assumed that Jane had gone to the bedroom to sleep. 

Tony looked up from the floor to Loki. “Are you going to get in on this?” He asked. 

“I’m going to drive your sorry ass home,” Loki said. 

Tony stuck his tongue out at Loki and then went back to playing the game.

Loki watched them for a while, stretched out on Thor’s couch. He felt a slow affection rise in his chest just from staring at Tony. The man looked at ease, happily challenging Clint and talking too loudly. Loki folded his hands over his stomach as his head tipped back against the arm rest. This hadn’t been so bad. 

Thor and Steve walked out of the kitchen. “Alright you two,” Steve said. “Time to get up.” Thor opened a closet door and pulled out an armful of blankets as Steve’s hands set on his hips. “Clint, you’re on the couch tonight.” 

“Man, why do you have to ruin everything?” Clint whined. “I was just about to win twenty bucks off Tony. I’m so fucking close.” 

“You are not,” Tony told him. “You haven't hit anything in the past twenty minutes.” 

“Neither have yo—”

“Alright,” Steve said, walking over. He helped Clint off the floor with minimal resistance. Loki vacated the couch. Clint flopped onto it as Thor dropped several blankets against the back of it.

“Can you bring me a water?” Clint asked Steve, wiggling his toes. He grabbed a blanket and pulled it over his chest. “I’m too comfortable to move.” 

“Do I look like your waiter?” Steve asked. 

“Yeah,” Clint said. Steve ignored him as Loki got down to the floor to get Tony up. He reached out his hand but Tony’s stayed in his lap, his eyes lazily on Clint. 

“Come on,” Loki said. He reached out his hand again, but when Tony didn’t notice, he slipped his arm into Tony’s to pull him up. Tony reacted immediately. His soft face turned confusedly towards Loki, and upon understanding, he rushed to his feet. 

“I’m fine,” he said, swaying a little in Loki’s grip. 

Steve had been arguing with Clint again when he noticed them. “I’ll help you downstairs,” Steve said. “Thor, can you take care of Clint?” He called back. 

“Already on it,” Thor said, coming back from the kitchen with two water glasses in hand. His eyes set on Loki. He didn’t have to say anything. Loki knew that look. It meant he’d better do something or their parents would be coming down on him again. Loki kept his arm linked around Tony and started for the door. 

Steve went in front of them to open it. Tony leaned into Loki’s side away from Steve, and Steve made no attempt to carry him. Instead he opened the elevator and kept himself on door duty as they exited the building. “Which one’s your car?” Steve asked. 

Loki dug in his jeans for his keys. “Down that way,” he said. The car’s lights flashed as he unlocked it. Steve went to open the passenger door. 

“Let’s take my car,” Tony said. 

“We’re going back to my place,” Loki said. “Pull it harder,” Loki yelled to Steve. “It gets stuck sometimes.” There was a loud groan as Steve yanked it open. 

“No, I want to go back to mine,” Tony said. 

“I fixed the air conditioner,” Loki said. “It’s fine. You won’t be too hot.” He guided Tony forward. The man slumped into the passenger seat. 

“Don’t buckle me in, Steve,” he said loudly. He fumbled for the seatbelt and yanked it across his chest. They heard the jamming sound of the clicker, and then Tony pulled the door shut. Loki went over to the driver side but didn’t open up the door yet. Steve leaned over Tony’s door to speak to Loki across the roof of the car. 

He frowned to the side for a minute, scratching his fingers through his short blond hair. “Uhm,” Steve said quietly. “Do you know what to do if he panics when he’s drunk?” Steve asked in a near whisper. 

Loki clenched the ignition key between his fingers. “I didn’t realize it was a thing.” 

“Yeah, uh, sometimes the alcohol makes his anxiety disorder worse,” Steve said. “It might happen when he’s drinking, or sometimes the hangover symptoms do it to him.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck. It was clear that he was uncomfortable sharing something of Tony’s, but it was also obvious that he felt obligated to help. 

Loki grinned. It was a reflexive smile out of sheer discomfort. “I thought alcohol just made people tired and horny,” Loki said. 

Steve’s answering laugh was startled and awkward but genuine. “Yeah,” he said. 

“We’ve drank together before,” Loki said. 

“Sometimes he’s fine,” Steve said. The car horn blew. Loki leaned down to the window to see Tony staring impatiently at him. “So uh, if anything happens,” Steve said quickly. “Don’t touch him. Just stay with him and talk to him about something that’ll distract him and for the love of god, don’t tell him he’s fine or that he’s overreacting.” It sounded like the voice of experience. Tony’s hand knocked against the window. “You can call me if you need help.” Steve took out his phone. “What’s your number?” 

Loki told him as he stared down at the glass. Tony was giving him a particularly sullen look that Loki would’ve laughed at had Steve not been standing across from them. “I’ll text you so you have mine,” Steve said. He went quiet and Loki had the sense that Steve was waiting for his attention. He looked back up as he put his hand on the door handle. Steve smiled at him. It was warm and real. Loki knew in that moment that Steve wasn’t a threat. “Good luck,” Steve said. “We’ll see you next time. Don’t be a stranger.” 

“Thanks,” Loki said. He gave a closed lip smile back and then pulled open the car door. He might not have felt threatened by Steve, but that didn’t mean he was above feeling jealous that the first man that had fucked him was _his_ boyfriend. It didn’t occur to him that he’d used the word. Tony pushed himself out of Loki’s seat with his hands and got back onto his own side. Loki got in and tugged the door shut with a loud, rusty squeal. He watched Steve walking back into the apartment building as he put the keys in the ignition. 

“Your car smells like cheese,” Tony said. 

Loki laughed. “Does it?” He asked. He reversed the car in one smooth motion, his hand resting on Tony’s seat as he looked back. As he went to pull out of the parking lot he saw that Tony’s seatbelt was jammed in the clicker but not buckled. He reached over and pressed it in properly. “If you throw up in the car, you’re walking back and cleaning it out,” Loki said. 

“I’m not going to,” Tony said. He crossed his arms and leaned against the window. “What did Steve say?” 

“He gave me his number and told me to come back to hang out with everyone,” Loki said. 

Tony’s foot fumbled over the dashboard as he tried to prop himself up. Loki clenched his teeth. “They like you,” Tony said. 

“I’m Thor’s brother, it would be disadvantageous for them not to,” Loki said. He hit the gas to make it through a yellow light. 

“That’s not why,” Tony said. “Loki,” he said. His head rolled a little to the side and he blinked quickly. “They like you.” There was a stupid little smile on his face. His chin leaned down against his chest. Loki watched him a little closer, made nervous by Jane and Steve’s comments. They’d drank together, but not to the point of being drunk. He thought back on the night at Tony’s house. Tony had drank more then. He hadn’t been sure how to gauge Tony. Maybe it’d been more than he thought. He started turning it over in his mind, looking for clues, when Tony’s hand set on his thigh. Tony was staring out the window. 

Loki took a side street that would get to his apartment faster. He’d always hated driving drunks home, and avoided it if at all possible. They were obnoxious and messy and unpredictable. He wasn’t sure what Tony was going to do. He glanced in his direction. “Are you okay?” Loki asked, speeding up. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. It sounded sassy. When Loki looked over again, Tony was fighting to keep his eyes open. They drove the rest of the way in silence. Loki sped through the empty, dark streets. It wasn’t that much longer before they reached his place. 

Tony didn’t need his help getting up or into the apartment. He went straight to the bathroom and shut the door with a loud thud. Loki sighed. He locked the front door and went into the bedroom. He threw his keys and phone on the nightstand before tugging the sheets wide open. He went over to the closet and dragged out a pair of pajamas that he thought Tony would fit in. He tossed them on the bed and then went into the kitchen. 

He pulled out a canister of hot cocoa mix and made himself a cup without really thinking about it. He pushed his hair back behind his ear and took a long, heavy sip. He heard the bathroom door open. Tony’s footsteps went towards the bedroom. Loki glanced down at the white mug and took another sip before walking towards the room. Tony was standing at the foot of the bed. “Those are for you,” Loki said from the doorframe. 

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Okay,” he said. Then he sat down on the bed. 

“Do you want some water or something?” Loki asked. 

Tony rubbed his hands over his face. “No,” he said. He glanced down at the clothes and ran a hand along the shirt, picking it up. “I’m fine.” 

“Okay,” Loki said. He took another sip. He felt better with sugar. Tony looked a little lost on the bed. It hurt, in a way. “Tony,” Loki said. “Change your clothes. I’ll be back in a minute.” He finished off his drink on the way to the kitchen and dropped the empty mug in the metal sink with a loud thud. Tony’d changed his shirt and was struggling to tie the strings on the sleep pants when he came back. Loki went over to the closet and took out another set of pajamas. He changed quickly. He wadded his clothes into the hamper, all too aware of Tony. 

Tony hadn’t gotten past sitting on the corner of the bed with his feet on the floor. He’d given up on tying the pants. He was staring at the desk. Loki crawled into bed. He carefully set a hand on Tony’s shoulder. He was nervous, but he didn’t know why. “Everything went well tonight.” The mattress squeaked as he shifted his weight. “You were right. Thor handled it better than I thought.” 

“Were you though?” Tony asked. 

Loki smiled slightly, tilting his head to the side. He had no idea what Tony was asking. “Hmm?” He prompted when Tony didn’t elaborate. Tony’s soft brown eyes were a little glossy when they looked at him. His eyebrows furrowed. Tony twisted around to look at the pillows. 

He slipped out from Loki’s hand and crawled to the side of the bed where Loki usually wound up. He laid on his side and closed his eyes. Loki stared at him for a moment, wondering what was going inside of his head. He glanced back at the rumpled covers and grabbed them. Then he tugged them up with him as he went to the other side of the bed. Tony’s eyebrows twitched when the blanket came over him but he didn’t open his eyes. 

Loki laid on his side, leaving a lot of space between them. He studied the lines on Tony’s face. There was a flush to his tan cheeks that went across his nose. He wanted to talk to Tony about nothing, just to hear him. To ease the anxious feeling in his own chest. He should just let him sleep it off. He really should. “Tony,” he said softly. The man frowned but didn’t open his eyes. The compulsion to talk hadn’t left Loki. “I enjoyed meeting your friends.” 

Tony cracked an eye open. “Really?” He asked, voice breaking with exhaustion. 

“Yes.” 

Tony smiled a little, both eyes set on Loki now. He watched Loki, waiting. “They’re kind,” Loki said. He left out the part where he still thought that Tony was the only worthwhile pick of the lot, but maybe that was just because they were Thor’s friends. Loki set his hand in between them, curling one finger back and forth on the sheets. He could just feel that Tony needed him to say something else. “Thank you,” he said quietly. 

The bed shook as Tony rocked on his hip to roll and close the gap between them. Loki pulled his hand back just in time for Tony’s head to come into his chest. “I’m a little drunk,” Tony breathed out. His cheeks were darker. Loki’s hand hovered above him for a few moments before slowly setting against his hair. He combed his nails along the choppy brown scruff. 

“I know.” Loki grinned. “I drove you home, remember?” 

Tony’s hand had found Loki’s shirt and crumpled into a little fist with the fabric wedged inside. “Didn’t think you wanted to go,” he said, sounding half-asleep. 

“Because of Thor, not you,” Loki muttered. 

“Okay,” Tony said. He yawned. “I’m going to sleep for real now.” Loki’s thumb brushed across Tony's hair once before retreating. He reached over for the blankets to tug them up a little further. He didn’t know what to do with his arm. He wasn’t sure if he could lay it over Tony’s back. These things were so much easier to decide on after sex. He thought about it a lot less then.

He decided to drop it along his side. Although that wasn’t altogether comfortable, it was easier. But Tony was actually starting to fall asleep, and his arm was really uncomfortable. He flexed his hand. No, this wouldn’t work. And it was stupid. Tony’s head was in his fucking chest, wasn’t it? Loki let his arm slide down behind Tony’s back. That felt better. 

He closed his eyes and felt himself being carried off by the steady rhythm of Tony’s breathing. He recalled Thor’s warning and was jolted out of it for a moment. Loki stared at the hazy, dim outlines of the furniture in his room. Tony’s nose shifted against his chest. He leaned down and breathed in the mingled scent of Tony and his scented shampoo. He let the feeling from before return and carry him off again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been staying up late writing this because I want to know where it goes and I love these two XD  
> It's been little by little, but the next chapter will be a lot more Tony centric.  
> Please drop me a note and let me know what you feel/think! :)


	10. Chapter 10

Loki felt forward in the bed without opening his eyes. He was freezing, and he dimly remembered waking up and falling right back asleep with his chest pressed against Tony. That should be here, now. It was far too cold. 

His hand found nothing, and he rolled toward the middle of the bed, fulling expecting to collide with a warm body. There was nothing. Disoriented, he opened his eyes, looking for Tony and intending to fall right back asleep. The bed was empty. 

He looked back over his shoulder, half expecting to see Tony on the other side of the bed instead. Loki sat up, losing the last warmth of the cover as he did. He listened, but heard nothing.

Perhaps Tony had left then. 

He sat in the bed, debating whether he wanted to try falling back asleep, or go look for Tony. The room was bright. It was at least midmorning. The air conditioner clicked, getting louder as more cold air poured into the room. Why the fuck was it on so high? 

Loki threw off the covers and stomped into the living room. He tossed open the control panel and turned it back down. As he did, he heard something move in the kitchen. He leaned to the side to see Tony through the doorway. He was drinking a cup of coffee and eating a chocolate bar as he scrolled through his phone. Loki’s gaze lingered on the chocolate bar. He thought that he’d hidden them carefully. There weren’t many left. 

“Finally,” Tony said when Loki walked into the kitchen. “If I have to play one more round of Galaga, I’m gonna die.” Loki took a few steps towards the coffee pot. “Did you get enough sleep?” 

Loki yawned as he poured himself a cup of coffee. The pot rattled as he jammed it back in. “No,” he said, sitting down at the table. “Someone made it fucking freezing and then left me to suffer alone.” 

Tony didn’t react to the statement, or if he did, he was covering it up by drinking from his mug and staring at his phone. Loki hoped that Tony picked up on a little of his displeasure. He didn’t need a bigger utility bill, but he also knew it would be bad to come right out and bitch at Tony in this stage of things. “Get dressed,” Tony said. “It’s as hot as satan’s armpit. We can spend the day at my pool.” He grinned. “I saw the way you were eyeing it.” 

Loki’s stomach clenched. He took a heavy sip of his coffee. He knew Tony had issues with people taking advantage of him, and Loki didn’t like the way that sentence made him sound. He hadn’t thought about what would happen after the night. He should’ve made a fucking plan. “I’ll make breakfast,” Loki said, starting to get up from the table. 

“Don’t bother,” Tony said brightly. He was about to follow it with something, but Loki cut him off.

“You’re eating a fucking candy bar, of course I’m going to make something,” Loki said. 

“It’s closer to lunch,” Tony said. “Sit back down and finish your coffee. We can get something on the way.” He set his hand on the back of Loki’s chair. He was impatient this morning. That was new. Loki sank back down into the chair. Tony’s eyes were on his phone, and although he was putting on a casual air, Loki had the distinct impression that something was bothering him and making him impatient. He tried to focus on his coffee. “We can go pick up my car and head over there.” Tony set his coffee down. “Why don’t you pack a bag? I’m not going anywhere this weekend, we can finally have some time.” It sounded happy, hopeful.

Tony had changed back into his clothes from last night. Loki wondered what he’d done with the pajamas that Loki had loaned him. “Or,” Tony said after a moment. “We can hang around here and you can teach me how to cook or something.” 

“Alright,” Loki said. He didn’t spare Tony a glance. He paid close attention to the light reflecting off his black coffee. 

“Or you could show me how to cook in my kitchen. We can stop at the grocery store on the way over, and that way we can swim afterwards. And we won’t have to listen to your neighbor using the vacuum at four in the morning.” 

Loki slumped a little. “The vacuum’s probably just covering up the sound of their vibrator,” he said. 

Tony faintly snorted out an unvoiced laugh. “Okay, so we don’t have to hear their vibrator then. That’s the one that knows my name, right?” 

“I think,” Loki said. His muscles were getting tight even with his poor posture. 

“So, here then?” Tony asked. 

Loki made an internal sigh of relief. Tony had made it easy for him. “Sure,” he said, trying not to sound too pleased about it. 

“Or do you want me to go home?” Tony asked. 

Loki pointed an eyebrow down, letting the displeased confusion show on his face. Why the hell was Tony asking that? “No,” Loki said. He turned his head towards Tony to see that the man’s intelligent brown eyes had been on his this whole time. “You don’t need to go.” His voice was stern and annoyed, and although he wouldn’t acknowledge it ever, maybe the slightest bit hurt as well. 

Tony swallowed. Usually he softened after he was reassured about something, but this time nothing changed. He was still honed in on Loki, and that underlying impatience was as strong as ever. “So do you not like going to my place or something?” 

Fuck. He’d been testing him. Clever bastard. It was way too early for this. Fucking unfair, pulling this shit right after he’d woken up.

Loki didn’t scramble to answer the loaded question, and Tony seemed set on making his case. “Because I’m always coming over here. Is it about the drive? I can have Happy pick you up if you don’t want to drive.” 

Because what Loki wanted was for some chauffeur to knowingly pick him up as some fuck buddy and make awkward conversation for forty minutes with a stupid smirk on his face the whole time. No. 

“I mean, it makes way more sense for us to be there today,” Tony said. The impatience was winning. Tony was starting to get annoyed, and Loki needed to answer. Thor’s face popped into his head. He couldn’t lose his temper, he’d fuck everything up. Loki gave Tony a slow, constricted look. Tony waited, completely lacking the patient hopefulness that Loki had come to expect from him. 

Loki opened his lips. Man, his chest was tight. He let out a huffy sigh and turned his head to the side to speak. He couldn’t do this with Tony breathing down his neck. “Your house is uncomfortable,” he said bitterly. His eyebrows pointed down hard. His hands had disappeared beneath the table, and now they were coming to wrap around his sides, partially in anger, and partially protective. “You follow me around like I’m going to rob the place, or leave like…” He couldn’t say any fucking more. This was too much already. 

“That has happened,” Tony said. Maybe he was thinking about it, it didn’t sound like an accusation, but did he really think that it felt good to hear that?

“You think I’m going to rob your place,” Loki said sarcastically. He knew it wasn’t true. He just wanted to jab it at Tony. 

Tony shook his head. “No,” he said, blinking too fast. It was his turn to look away. “I just didn’t realize I did that.” He frowned. “What was the other part? I leave you like…?” 

Loki stared down at the table. Tony was reacting too much already. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“No,” Tony said. “You never hang out at my place, Loki. Tell me.” The last words stung. 

Loki rolled his eyes towards the ceiling, flexing his jaw. “I’m not going to wait around for you all day to come back home like your little fuck toy, and I can’t drive back and forth twice a day.” He couldn’t afford it, and he was embarrassed to say that, so he let his anger guard him instead. 

“When did I ever say that?” Tony shot back. “Loki—” 

“I don’t feel comfortable in your house, Tony. I feel like a guest.” He wanted to stand up from the table and get away from this. How had they gone from last night to this? His heart had started to race. 

It went quiet. Loki couldn’t speak, he could only wait to see how badly fucked this had gotten. Tony’s voice hesitantly returned. “I don’t think of you as a guest.” Loki pushed his hair back behind his ear and went back to crossing his arms. He was going to look like a fucking idiot when Thor found out they’d split the night after announcing they were together. Just more evidence that he couldn’t keep anything together. “You know that. I want you there, okay? I want you in my house. You’re not working, you don’t have to be here, I’d rather you be with me—” Tony stopped himself. “I mean, unless that’s not what you want.” 

“No, I—” Loki glanced over at him. He wanted to laugh, this was all so miserable. “I want you.” His shoulders slumped down. “But your house fucking sucks.” 

“Well,” Tony said. “That’s better than I thought it was.” Loki wasn’t sure what that meant. Tony breathed in, rubbing the back of his neck. “So let’s try this again. Bring your shit over to my house and stay for the weekend. We’ll work on the whole my house not sucking thing.”

Loki smiled weakly. He couldn’t believe that Tony had got him to confess this, and then turned it around so quickly. “Okay,” Loki said. 

“But first,” Tony said. “I kind of really need to fuck right now.” He gestured around his chest. “The feelings thing—”

“Sucks,” Loki said, standing up from the table. “Bedroom. I don’t keep lube in my god damn kitchen.” 

He tossed his shirt off as he walked through the living room and was naked before he hit the bed. Tony was on the same page. He knew where everything was in the bedroom. The bottle was in his hands in seconds. And Loki kicked the whole damn conversation out of his head as he greedily filled his hands with Tony’s bare flesh, because what he needed was for this all to get fucked right out of his head. And Tony was good at that. He was good at that. 

And when he was laying on his back later, exhausted and sweaty, Tony slumped against his chest but his lips never stopped moving, like he was afraid if they did they’d start speaking of their own accord. Tony had been right, the bedroom was god damn sweltering.

Loki wasn’t upset anymore, and Tony had a sloppy look on his face that was always a good sign. 

Wait, was that makeup sex? Was he going to call it that? Was that what it was? No. He didn’t need to think about it. Makeup sex was something couples did, in the most derisive sense of the word. He kissed the side of Tony’s face. Just lust, he was still feeling lust. 

“I’ll pack my things,” Loki said. He felt hopeful. A small smile crawled onto his lips. He didn’t know why he was happy to be going to Tony’s house suddenly, but he was. Maybe it was because he wanted to get out of this fucking apartment.

Tony leaned off him immediately. “I’ll get dressed,” he said. 

“I don’t own swim trunks,” Loki said. “You’ll just have to deal.” Tony grinned, then broke into a laugh.

“However will I survive,” he said, getting off the bed. Loki smirked and went to pick up his things. He saw the pajamas he’d loaned Tony in his clothes hamper. A little bit of contentment settled in his chest. He picked a shirt that he figured he wouldn’t be wearing long anyway and a loose pair of jeans. He shoved whatever else he thought he’d need into a book bag, then grabbed his car keys. Tony was waiting for him on the living room couch. 

For a moment it occurred to Loki that this weekend meant getting closer to Tony, on Tony’s territory. He pushed it aside and smiled at Tony. “Ready?” Tony asked. Loki slung the bag’s strap over his shoulder. 

“We can go to Thor’s to get your car and then I can follow you there,” Loki said. They started for the door. 

“Okay,” Tony said. His hand set on the small of Loki’s back as he passed through the door. It was only for a second, but it felt agreeable. The gravel crunched under their feet at they went out to the car. Tony laughed as he got in. “Yeah, your car does smell like cheese,” he said. “I wasn’t sure if I’d picked that right.” 

Loki slammed his door shut and started the engine. “I’ve hauled a lot of shit in here, I’m surprised it doesn’t smell like everything else.” 

“It’s not bad,” Tony said. Loki almost rolled his eyes while smiling at the same time. Tony reached over and started going through his CDs. “I have this one,” Tony said, flopping one on the dashboard. “Never heard of this. Where’d you even get this one?” 

“It’s a demo tape from one of the guys that worked in the kitchen. I’ve never listened to it,” Loki said. He waited for a pickup truck to pass through the four way stop. “I just took it to shut him up.” 

“There’s a twenty minute track called cats scratching,” Tony said. He made a sound of disgust and dropped it to the bottom of the stack. 

He picked through Loki’s CDs, commenting without ever selecting one to listen to before they made it to Thor’s apartment. They pulled up next to Tony’s car. He tossed off his seatbelt. “See you there,” Tony said, getting out. Loki left the engine running as he watched Tony run around the front of his car and dig out his keys. He followed Tony out of the parking lot, hoping that Thor hadn’t chosen this moment to glance out his window to the parking lot below. 

Alone, the drive to Tony’s house was long and quiet. It was enough time to start hoping that he’d made the right decision. Tony lost him when a light turned red. They were only a few minutes from the house. Loki sighed, half expecting his phone to start ringing. When he pulled up outside the house, Tony’s car was in the open garage. 

Loki parked on the edge of the driveway. He wanted to park on the street, but he felt like that might get a comment from Tony. He grabbed his bag and locked the car doors. Then he stared at the garage. He could either walk in through there, or try the front door. 

Tony was doing it already. 

He paused, eyes narrowing as he considered his options. He didn’t want to ring the doorbell and wait around for Tony to answer. That would feel worse. And if he walked right through the garage and into the house, what would Tony do? Loki walked up to the garage. 

There were three sports cars sitting inside. He only recognized the one that Tony normally drove. Loki slipped in past it towards the house door. There were a few shiny rakes and shovels hanging by hooks along the side wall. Loki sidestepped a recycling bin and grabbed the door handle. 

Twisting it, he pushed the door open and found himself standing in a brightly lit laundry room. There was a basket of clothes sitting on top of the dryer. Loki walked past it. Another door was open. This one lead to the kitchen that he recognized. “Tony?” He called out, annoyed. Tony appeared around the corner in an instant. 

“Hey,” Tony said, somewhat breathlessly. “Sorry I lost you at that light,” he said, walking in. He glanced at Loki’s bag like he was considering taking it but then thought better of it. “Here,” he said, lifting his arm from his side. There was a bright red ball of fabric in it. “I think they’ll fit. In case you don’t want to spend the whole day being ogled.” 

Loki took them, somewhat placated by how accommodating Tony was trying to be. “Red,” Loki said. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, grinning. “It’s those or a speedo.” 

“This is fine,” Loki said. 

“Uh, so, I’ll give you the tour,” Tony said. “This is the kitchen, you already know that.” He waited somewhat anxiously for Loki to take the few steps to follow him towards the living room. Tony chose a door to the side. “This is the basement,” he said, flicking on a light. He quickly descended the stairs. “Bar’s over there, and here,” Tony said, opening two other doors. “Guest bedroom and bathroom.” 

Loki glanced around the basement. It was fucking huge. There was a pool table and full sized bar, and a few various game tables scattered across the room. In the corner was a couch and a large television set. He followed Tony around in a short loop. Then Tony took him upstairs, showing him various bedrooms and studies and libraries. Some of the rooms were barely touched, and Tony was quick to leave the ones that were messy and lived in. Then he took Loki towards the front hall, in the direction of a door that he already knew. 

Everything in Tony’s body language said that he didn’t want to open the door, but he set his hand on it and pulled it open with a decisive tug anyway. Tony waved with his hand to follow. 

Loki took a careful step into the lab. 

It was massive. There was a holographic display in the center, running what appeared to be a screensaver. Various machines lined the room, and a multitude of building materials and tools were scattered about in an orderly fashion, encircling the desk in the center. A robot zoomed up to Tony. The man extended his hand, soothing it like a dog. “This is my lab,” Tony said. The words were slightly constricted. 

Loki took a few steps further inside. It was gorgeous, really. There was too much to look at to comment on anything. He reached out a hand towards a glimmering sheet of steel beside him. “Ah,” Tony said, hurrying over. “Don’t touch.” He smiled tightly. “You wouldn’t want me to touch anything in your kitchen.” 

“No,” Loki agreed. He refrained from pointing out that he’d allowed Tony to do so, although somewhat limitedly. The robot came up and prodded his chest. 

“Dum-E,” Tony warned. 

“It’s fine,” Loki said. He placed his hand on it as Tony had done. 

“He must like you,” Tony said. He shifted his weight on his feet, glancing around. “So yeah, this is it.” Tony leaned over and did something that made Dum-E retreat back to his spot. “…and you’re the only person besides Bruce that’s been in here, so you should consider yourself lucky.” 

Loki smiled to the side. He understood that Tony was trying. It was nice for this door not to be off limits, though he knew without asking that it was not a place he could simply enter. But it was Tony’s, and something important to Tony, and that was what mattered. “It’s great,” Loki said. Tony’s hand slipped in around his waist, settling on his back. It shook for a split second. “It’s nice to see the place you disappear off to.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, sounding a little uncertain. He started walking them towards the door and let go when they reached the hallway. “There are a lot of experiments running in there and I don’t always have the best safety standards, so don’t go in there without me,” Tony said. 

“I won’t,” Loki said. He was pleased that Tony had showed him, but he didn’t feel as if it completely made up for everything. He wouldn’t feel at home just because he no longer banned from one door. They worked back around to the upstairs. 

“You already know that room,” Tony said, gesturing towards the bedroom and the balcony from before. Then they went further down the hall. There was an office overflowing with paperwork, and then just as Loki had suspected before, Tony’s actual bedroom. 

A poster was taped to the wall advertising some event showcasing an accomplishment of Tony’s from years ago. A few clothes were on the floor, and there were two half finished gatorade bottles on the nightstand. There was a handmade knitted blanket on the foot of the bed. “It’s kind of a mess,” Tony said. “I haven’t had the cleaning service out this week.” 

Loki stared at the photographs on top of the dresser. They had to be Tony’s mother and father, considering that he was standing as a child between them. It reminded Loki of a photo that he had, although he had never put it on display. “So I think that’s about it,” Tony said. He glanced over at Loki. “So you don’t have to feel weird about it.” 

“Thanks,” Loki said. It was neutral, maybe a little flat. He adjusted the strap on his shoulder. He hadn’t felt like he could put it down anywhere and it was starting to feel heavy. The gesture caught Tony’s eye. 

“You can throw that on the bed,” Tony said. Loki did so. Tony broke into a smile. “You like that,” he said. 

“What?” Loki asked. 

Tony rubbed at his goatee with that stupid grin on his face. “That little smirk at the corner of your mouth,” Tony said. “You do it whenever I get something right.” Loki rolled his eyes, but now he was aware of the smirk on his face. And it was growing. “I can’t tell if you’re pavloving me or not yet,” Tony said. He looked a little closer at Loki, playfully, but Loki wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. He stared pointedly elsewhere. “So. Pool?” 

“Yes,” Loki said, feeling the smirk as he did it. Fuck. Tony was right. 

 

Naturally, the pool had changing rooms next to it. Tony didn’t use them though, so Loki swapped out his clothes for the red swim trunks and left them over the back of a chair. He heard Tony cannon ball into the pool behind him. 

There were two massive rafts floating in it, along with an alligator that had two sets of handles. “Does Clint use that?” Loki asked as he sat down at the edge of the pool. He sank his legs in up to his knees. It was hot and humid. The sun glared in his eyes. Tony swam up to him, blinking the water out of his eyes. 

“The alligator? Yeah,” Tony said. He rested his arms beside Loki. The cold water pooled against Loki’s thigh. “The pool noodles are Steve’s idea, but Sam’s the one that tied them into a throne, surprisingly. He was making fun of Steve’s attitude.” Loki hadn’t noticed the jumble of pool noodles knotted up by the planters. 

“I bet that went over well,” Loki said. 

Tony chuckled. “Yeah,” he said. 

“How’d you meet them?” Loki asked. He’d wanted to find out from Thor, but he wasn’t going to be able to coax anything out of his brother while their parents were still on his case. Tony paused at the question. 

“College. Kind of,” Tony said. “I went when I was young, you know? Like, not even legal. I was finishing up a masters when I was nineteen.” Tony scratched a hand through his hair. “We uh, talk about our college days but that’s not how it really happened.” Loki really wanted to reach out and card his fingers through Tony’s wet hair. “I caught the attention of an organization that kind of collected unusual people, people that were doing well or had potential.” Something hard and brittle was lurking behind his voice. “A think tank, I guess. To come up with defense initiatives and stuff like that. I was young and stupid. I got in a lot of trouble, but that place was how I met Bruce.” 

Loki wondered if Tony knew that he was being vague, or if it was a subconscious choice. “Bruce is six years older than me. I guess you could say that I’m the baby of the group. He kind of took me under his wings, in his own way. Kept some of the self-destructive stuff down. And then I met Nat and Clint and later Sam and Steve. Thor too.” Loki couldn’t remember his brother ever joining some think tank, and he would’ve known. “He was a consultant,” Tony said, looking at him. “He just came on sometimes to look at the legal stuff.” 

“What did you do there?” Loki asked. He put his hand over his eyes, squinting in the sun. 

“Honestly? Not much. I was fucking around and they weren’t sure they really wanted me. Our director, he uh, he said some nice stuff about me but honestly I wasn’t cut out for it at the time. I had to go back to school for another year for my second master’s. I was supposed to do both the same year, but I fucked up. Pissed my old man off.” 

Loki was trying to connect the dots with what he had. “Natasha said she’d seen your dorm room,” Loki said. 

“That second year,” Tony said, nodding his head to the side. “When I was getting the other master’s degree. My old man made me live in one for some bullshit reason. Natasha probably saw it on one of the days that she came to pick me up for the think tank thing. God, so much shit happened that year and the next couple of ones, Loki. You wouldn’t believe it.” Loki stared at him. It occurred to him that Tony and he hadn’t had these kinds of conversations since they’d started…dating. He could use the word, he’d used it with Thor. 

“I might,” Loki said. 

Tony kicked his legs in the pool, making himself float up as he leaned his chin against his arms. “It was shit.” He frowned. “Steve found out that the think tank had some sort of military connection which is why they wanted me, and you know Steve, he felt like he was being lied to and doing the wrong thing. Everyone kind of bowed out, or they would’ve but the whole thing just feel apart. Some other organization got involved and it was a huge mess, and honestly, I don’t remember all of it. I wasn’t paying that much attention.” 

“What were you doing?” Loki asked softly. 

“Umm,” Tony said said quietly. “My parents were in a car crash around that time.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Tony said. He continued on with the story like it was just a report he was giving. “Somewhere in there Steve got really sick, we didn’t think he was going to make it, but he came out of it like a fucking god. He could break watermelons with his pecs now, I swear.” Tony smiled like he wanted to laugh. “Bruce had an accident experimenting on something and had all this radiation exposure that he had to be treated for, I’m still scared of what his chart’s going to look like down the road. You can’t be exposed to that much without something going wrong. My chest happened. And then that had all just kind of settled down, I mean we were starting to have normal lives, when I learned that Obadiah was fucking me over.” Tony rubbed the back of his neck. “So that’s sort of how we all know each other. The think tank fell apart but we stuck together, at least as best as we could.” 

Tony had hints of that lost look from Loki’s bed last night, and Loki wasn’t feeling annoyed anymore. He reached over and carded his fingers through Tony’s wet hair the way he’d wanted to. Tony groaned as nails dragged along his scalp. His eyes fell shut. Loki did it until his hand got tired. “Are you going to come in the pool?” Tony asked. 

To answer, Loki slipped in. Tony made a playful grab for him, and it was exactly what Loki had expected. Tony wound up pinning him against the wall and kissing him. It was good, but Loki was just beginning to think that his kisses were all showy—flashy and lusty and perfect for short things, but not really satisfying all of the time. They felt too much like Tony was trying to impress, and Loki had never noticed it before. He gasped for air, water running down the side of his face as he found his feet against the bottom of the pool again. They were in the shallow end, just up to Tony’s neck. “And here I thought I’d be skinny dipping before we skipped to this part,” Loki said. 

Tony leaned back enough to see that Loki was still receptive, then pressed open lips to Loki’s neck. “No,” he muttered, hands wandering inside of the borrowed trunks. “Not this time.” Loki grabbed Tony’s shoulders and maneuvered them so that it was Tony with the wall to his back. Loki’d had enough of that already. He slid his hand into Tony’s trunks, and it was kind of gratifying how fast Tony came, and how vocal he was about it. Tony’s head slumped against the ledge of the pool. “Loki,” he muttered. His cheeks were deep red. Maybe he was starting to sunburn. 

“Hmm?” Loki prompted. He kind of liked this look on Tony’s face. Lips cracked a little, beads of water still dripping down his face, eyes half shut. Tony dropped his arms against the pool wall. Loki smirked. Tony was just muttering his name, then. “Why don’t you go get us something to drink?” He suggested. 

Tony forced his eyes open. “Like what?” He asked. 

Did he really need to ask that? “Whatever you have,” Loki said. He had no idea what Tony had, and as long as it had water somewhere in it, he didn’t care. Tony nodded, and Loki stepped back so that he could shuffle out of the pool. Tony disappeared inside of the house. Loki grabbed one of the floating rafts and laid across it. He wasn’t much aroused and didn’t feel the need to finish. He shut his eyes and sunk into the dry, inflated float. 

It was a while before he felt something grab the edge of the float. He opened his eyes to see Tony with two drinks in hand. They were bright yellow, with lopsided pineapple wedges on the side. Tony stuck one in the cupholder on Loki’s raft. “It’s a smoothie,” Tony said. “Heart healthy, and all that bullshit.” Tony reached over to grab the other float that had wedged itself between Loki’s and the corner of the pool. He stuck his drink down inside the holder and carefully climbed out onto the float. 

Loki carefully tried a sip of the drink. It wasn’t bad. “Wonderful,” he said, setting it back down. Tony rolled onto his stomach and took a long sip from his own. He used his arm to push the raft off the side of the pool, towards the center. In the same motion, he grabbed Loki’s and ferried them across. Loki glanced down at their dark shadows on the pool floor below. 

For a few moments they just drifted there, accompanied by the sound of Tony’s squeaking raft. Tony propped his head up on his arms just as Loki’s eyes drifted across the tight muscles in his back. “I’ve been wondering something,” Tony said. 

“Do share,” Loki said dryly, waving his hand around. 

“What’d Thor say about us?” 

Loki grabbed the drink from the holder, trying to use it as a distraction but spilling a small dollop of yellow smoothie on his stomach. He pushed it off into the pool. Tony was grinning but didn’t make fun of him for it outright. “That it was fine and he didn’t want to know about it.” 

“Yeah, that was the part I heard though,” Tony said. The smile on his face was toothy as he looked up at Loki. Loki tried to swallow down the icy cold lump in his mouth. “What’d he tell you when you guys were in the kitchen?”

“Same thing,” Loki said quickly. He was certain that they both knew it was a lie. 

“Do you want to know what he told me?” Tony asked. 

Loki almost fell off the raft trying to sit up. He jammed the plastic cup back in the holder. Water came in over his knees as the raft bent. “You haven’t seen him since yesterday.” 

“I talked to him on the phone this morning,” Tony said, stretching out a little. He wasn’t bothered in the least. It was almost like he was gloating. “When you were sleeping.” Loki crossed his arms over his stomach. “He said,” Tony said, grinning. “That he’s proud of me aaaand he wants us to know that he’s supportive.” Tony smiled at Loki, looking younger than he was. “And that I can’t share sex stuff with him.” Tony added.

“That’s not all he said,” Loki replied. He knew better. 

“Okay,” Tony said. “He also told me to call him if you get on my nerves. Something about blackmailing you with baby photos.” 

Loki knew the last part was a lie, and that Tony was only kidding. “That first part sounds like him,” Loki said. Tony reached out and grabbed Loki’s raft to keep from drifting away. “I can’t believe he called you first thing in the morning.” How fucking meddlesome.

“He didn’t,” Tony said. “I did.” 

His face pinched, irritating skin that was slowly sun burning. “Why?” He demanded. 

“I thought he said something to you in the kitchen,” Tony said. “And when I asked you about it last night you acted like everything was fine with Thor, so I figured that it was one of the things you don’t tell me. I called him.” 

“One of the things I don't tell you,” Loki repeated. Tony spoke before he could finish the thought.

“Yeah,” Tony said. “You don’t tell me everything, whatever. I had to guess with the whole restaurant disaster.” 

“Tony, that was—”

“A mess, I know,” Tony said, holding up his hands. “Not mad about it. Anyway, I called Thor. Because when you came out of the kitchen from talking to him, you weren’t acting right, Loki. Like something was off. So I figured that he said something that upset you and I was a little ticked off about it.” Tony frowned, softening up a little. “But if it’s not that, it’s something else, and I don’t know what else is on the table except me.” 

God, why couldn’t Tony just fuck around with him in the pool and not bring up stuff? Loki glanced down at the water. Wait. They’d already done that. And he wanted Tony to talk to him, didn’t he? He didn’t just want to fuck around. “Can you tell me?” Tony asked. 

“It’s family stuff,” Loki said. He reached for the smoothie Tony had made. It was melting. 

Tony spoke as he swallowed it down. “So what is it then? Old man on your case again?” 

Loki sloshed the drink around in his cup. If he was going to do this, he might as well fucking do it. “My mother,” Loki said. 

“Oh,” Tony said. It occurred to Loki that Tony might have met them. He’d been around Thor often enough. “How so?” 

“Finding a job,” Loki muttered. “The same old shit.” Tony’s hand ghosted over his thigh and settled on his knee. “Thor’s their go-between, he puts up with it. I wish he’d fucking stop.” 

“I know,” Tony said. His hand kneaded against Loki’s knee. “He’s talked about it, you know.” Loki wasn’t sure what to say to that. “Do you wanna know what he says?” Tony asked. His hand wandered back to Loki’s thigh and then dropped in the water. “I’m not trying to stir things up, but I will answer if you ask me.” His brown eyes drifted towards Loki, catching his attention with those flecks of gold and light brown again. Loki nodded his head. 

Tony cupped the water with his hand and dripped it down his own back. He was starting to tan already. “He’s afraid not to. He thinks that if he cuts you off from them, it’ll be harder on you.” Tony was careful to keep the emotion out of his voice. “He’s trying to protect you, Loki.” 

“He’d be better off letting me go,” Loki said. 

“You don’t mean that,” Tony said. 

“How would you know?” Loki sniped. 

Tony shrugged. “Fine, I don’t know.” Tony said. “You could tell me.” He reached in for another handful of water. “I’m not trying to get between you and your brother,” he said, finally showing a little anger. “Alright?” He looked into Loki’s eyes, demanding a confirmation. 

“Then why?” Loki asked. “And you didn’t ask me last night what happened, you were drunk.” 

“You said things went well with Thor when we went to bed,” Tony insisted. “I remember.” The water he was dumping on his back was pooling at his waistband. “And why? Because I like you, that’s why. Don’t be an asshole about it.” 

The last part short-circuited Loki’s brain for a second. 

“Look. I get that things are a little complicated with me being good friends with Thor, and being with you. But you’ve got to understand,” Tony said. Loki could appreciate the irritation in Tony’s voice simply because it meant that Tony was being honest. There was less to figure out. “Those years I told you about? Those people mean a lot to me. I’d do anything to protect them. And Thor’s one of those people. They got me through some shit, and I’d be a real asshole without them. I wouldn’t have dealt with half the issues I have.” Loki had no idea where he was going with this. “But that doesn’t mean that I don't think about you, or that I’m taking Thor’s side or something.” 

Tony pushed himself up onto his elbows. “I really fucking like you, alright? I like a hell of a lot about you, and it kind of blows my fucking mind, but I didn’t know about the house thing until what, today? I didn’t know why you kept turning me down. I kept thinking about it. If it was something I did. And I couldn’t figure it out, and I needed to see you.” Loki felt guilt slipping in past his temper. “I feel like I’m making a lot of concessions here. I don’t need you to tell me everything, I just need you to tell me some things.” He took a deep breath, covering his face with the side of his hand as he rubbed it like he was a little disgusted with himself. 

“How can I tell you when you disappear in the lab?” Loki asked. There was no bite in it. He was feeling guilty, but he couldn’t just let it go without a fight. 

“Yeah, uh, about that. I’m the engineer for a major company. That’s going to happen.” Tony glanced at him. “It’s not personal.” 

Water came in over his knees as Loki pressed his feet down on the raft. It was cold on his pink skin. “So me not being an asshole involves telling you that I’m not comfortable in your house.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “There you go.” He was getting a little snarky, and Loki felt safe flicking water in his direction. Tony let it hit him. “Anything else I should know about?” 

“Your choice in music fucking sucks.” 

Tony’s hand darted out to the side of the raft. Before Loki could make sense of what was happening, he was falling into the pool. He sunk in, tasting water heavy with chlorine, before quickly swimming to the surface. Tony was on his raft, paddling away to the pool ledge at record speed. “What was that for?” Loki yelled. 

“For saying my music sucks,” Tony called back. He grabbed the side of the pool and hoisted himself out at inhuman speed. “And not saying you fucking like me back after I said it.” Tony’s back had been to him when he spoke. Now the man slowly walked towards the part of the pool that Loki was in, carefully keeping out of arm’s reach. Loki swam up to the edge. 

“Asshole,” he said. 

“Uh-huh,” Tony replied. 

“Fine. I don’t really give a shit about your music.” 

“You liked it,” Tony said. “I saw what was in your car, remember? We have like half of the same shit.” 

He was right, of course. Loki rubbed his eyes, trying to make them better and only irritating them more. “Fine. I like you, asshole. I thought it was obvious.” He set his hands right on the edge of the pool, keeping them out of Tony’s line of sight. “I’d probably like you more with your tongue down my throat, though.” He smiled invitingly. 

“I’m not falling for that,” Tony said. 

“Tony,” Loki said. “You wanted me to tell you shit, and I’m telling you that if I don’t have your mouth in the next ten seconds I am going to suffer an emotional breakdown.” Tony rolled his eyes. But when he looked down at Loki, a little of his resolve was breaking. Loki put on his most charming look. Tony crouched down and carefully leaned forward, bracing himself with his wrists to lean in. Loki closed his eyes, letting Tony think that he was in the clear. In a flash, he grabbed Tony’s wrists and used his feet as leverage to pull Tony into the pool. 

The man splashed into the water above him as Loki pushed off. He surfaced a few feet away, just in time to watch Tony’s indignant spluttering. As soon as Tony caught sight of him he grinned. It was a wicked grin, promising nothing but payback, but Loki was a good swimmer. He was halfway across the pool before he felt Tony’s fingertips on his toes. Tony caught him eventually, between the pool stairs in the shallow end, but only because Loki was out of shape from what he’d been. Tony’s warm skin slipped against his, water dripping from his his chin. For a moment Loki was ready for Tony to lean in, but then Tony simply stated, “you’re looking kind of pink.” He got back and took the first step out. “Come on, we should get you inside.” 

Loki didn’t care to see how pink he was. He could feel it on his skin. As he followed Tony into the house, it felt a bit good to track water across the tile floor and ruin some of the pristine effect. He was only following Tony’s wet footsteps, though. Tony grabbed fluffy white linen towels from a closet and tossed a couple towards Loki. He dried off with the one and then slid the other around his waist, covering his swimsuit and wiping the other towel around on the floor. Loki stepped out of his way as he dried off. “I’m starving,” Tony said. “Are you?” He started in the direction of the kitchen. 

“If you’re going to order in, I want to choose the place,” Loki said. 

“Actually,” Tony said, his voice echoing in the kitchen. He bent down and pulled open a freezer drawer. “I have the stuff to make pizza. It’s not complicated, but you can show me if you want.” Loki glanced at the drawer. There was an economy size bag of frozen cheese sticking out. 

“Okay,” Loki said. He liked this idea. “But first, clothes. You’re not getting burnt.” 

“You go ahead,” Tony said. “I’ll get things out and then follow after you.” 

Loki simply nodded. Maybe Tony was feeling as much whiplash as he was. He went upstairs to Tony’s bedroom, feeling a little better as he did. He kicked off the wet swim trunks and dried off again before unzipping the bag and digging out fresh clothes. As he stepped into his jeans, he glanced around Tony’s bedroom again. It was a combination of dark navy, browns, and some mahogany red. It was comfortable. When he started for the bathroom to hang up the wet things, he saw a familiar face. 

There was Tony, a few years younger, with Clint on one side and Bruce on the other. Nat and Sam were to the left of them, and there, on the right, was Thor. Loki stared at the photo for a few seconds before continuing along his path. When he got downstairs, Tony smiled at him and excused himself. Loki busied himself with seeing what Tony had set out to work with. It wasn’t long before he was back. 

Showing Tony what to do was easy, and comfortable. It wasn’t that Tony actually needed help, he was just offering it to Loki and Loki could appreciate that. Slowly, they started joking with each other like the rest of the day hadn’t happened. Loki didn’t feel so unsettled anymore and Tony was more at ease, especially in his house. He talked even more than usual. Somewhere between putting the pizza in the oven and taking it out, it occurred to Loki that something had worked. At some point, Tony had decided that he wanted to stick around with Loki, at least for the time being. And that—that was sort of amazing. 

And then they were stuffing their faces and Tony was drinking a beer while Loki told him about tricks he'd pulled in culinary school. Tony wanted to hear him speak French, and Loki did so with an eye roll, enjoying the attention all the same. He didn’t worry or think about anything past the dancing look in Tony’s eye. Loki had no idea what was going on or how it worked. He just knew as Tony laughed at his jokes that it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> always practice pool safety kids and don't dick around, these are some great ways to get scrapes, concussions, etc. ~ *:･ﾟ✧


	11. Chapter 11

A phone was going off. It was going, and going, and that obnoxious ringtone was definitely not his. He was not going to get out of the fucking bed, someone had better answer the damn—the mattress shifted and he recognized Tony’s groan. Tony fumbled for the phone, twisting the sheets and pulling at Loki’s limbs as he did. “Hello?” 

“Hey!” Loki could hear the voice coming from the phone easily. He kept his eyes shut, more placated now that the call was being taken care of. 

“Clint,” Tony said in a slow, waking voice. “Don’t hey me. You woke me up.” 

“Oh. It’s like, almost ten, dude.” 

  “And?” 

“Okay,” Clint said, loading the word with disapproval. “Hey, so wanna let me come over and swim? Or everyone? Because I am dying. It is a thousand degrees out.” 

“Can’t. I’m busy today.” Tony’s voice was waking up, though he was making an effort to keep quiet. Clint was either not picking up on it, or choosing to ignore it. Loki figured it was the later. 

“What, in your lab?” Clint asked. Loki stifled a laugh. So it wasn’t just him, then. It was refreshing to hear it coming so blatantly and unapologetically from someone else. 

“No, I’m—”

“Oh!” Clint interrupted. “Wait. Is it because you have someone over?” Clint asked enthusiastically, teasing Tony. The sheets over Loki pulled to the left as Tony moved, sighing. 

“Yeah, now—”

“Is it Loki?” 

“Who else would it be?” Tony asked, voice fully awake. 

“And you’re not going to let me come over and hang out?” 

“No, so—”

“Aww, you can’t just keep him to yourself. I wanna hang out, I’ve barely met the guy—”

“Clint, did I mention that you woke me up?” Loki opened his eyes. He couldn’t pretend to be asleep any longer and he needed to see Tony’s reactions. Tony was sitting up with the phone pressed against his ear. He noticed Loki and made a face, wordlessly apologizing and rolling his eyes at Clint. Loki’s attention stuck to the slow smile on Tony’s lips. He didn’t catch whatever Clint said next. “Yeah. Bye,” Tony said, ending the call. He dropped his hands to his lap. That smile was playing on his face. It seemed like the conversation had pleased him. “Well. I’m not going to be able to fall back asleep now,” Tony said. 

Loki stared up at him. When Tony had been on the phone it had been fine, but now Loki wasn’t sure what to do. There was a sudden, undefined pressure. “Are you going to get up?” Tony asked. 

It was tempting. Part of him really wanted to say yes, but curling back into the covers and away from knowing what to do was easier. He shut his eyes and rolled onto his side, pulling the covers back up. “Fifteen more minutes,” he mumbled, faking a sleepy voice. Tony chuckled. 

“I didn’t think so,” he said, getting out bed. “I’ll be downstairs.” Loki didn’t move until the door quietly clicked shut. 

He sat up, gripping the covers between his clenched hand. He wanted to follow Tony downstairs. Now. But that was needy and he’d missed his chance. He let go of the sheets and scratched his head, sighing. The room was too quiet. He slumped forward. Last night, after dinner, they'd wound up just sitting and talking for a while about nothing in particular before Tony eventually suggested playing games in the basement. He was a real bastard at foosball. Loki didn’t win a single game. Apparently it was popular with engineers at Tony’s college, and there had been some long, convoluted story to accompany it that Loki half paid attention to as he tried to figure out a way to actually fucking win. 

Loki glanced down at his bag on the floor. It was propped up against the wall with a shirt sticking out. He crawled forward and leaned off the bed to fish inside for his phone. There were no missed calls or texts, just a reminder that the cell phone’s bill would be due in two days. He’d already delegated what he’d gotten out of the stint at the restaurant into his bills. At ease, he tossed it back inside of his bag. 

He stretched out on the bed, then rolled over onto his back to stare at the ceiling. 

He waited. Tony’s ceiling was a smooth, sheer white that appeared freshly painted. It was as clinical as the rest of the house, and Loki found himself wondering where the damages were. Surely Tony had damaged something. A party gone wild, or just a blunder, or a lab experiment… but there was nothing. At least the bed sheets still smelled like Tony. They’d probably be back to that stale lavender scent of the guest bedroom in a day. 

Loki pulled himself up into a sitting position. After a minute he got up and went to the bathroom, then grabbed his phone to see how much time he’d wasted. It was enough. 

He wandered through the house, ignoring the low grade irritation that waiting and indecision had caused. He found Tony slumped over the kitchen counter, checking his phone. When he saw Loki, he set it down on the counter. “I didn’t expect you to come down so soon,” Tony said. Loki spotted a half eaten bowl of cereal next to him. Tony must’ve followed where his eyes went because he said, “yeah, I would’ve let you cook again if I’d thought about it.” Tony glanced away, not entirely comfortable. “I’m not a morning person either.” 

Loki sat down in the metal barstool at the counter, across from where Tony was standing. “Who said I wanted to cook for you?” He asked, raising an eyebrow and grinning. Tony broke into a matching grin.

“You little shit.” Tony picked up his cereal bowl and ate a spoonful. “Help yourself to whatever you want.” Loki didn’t get up. He already knew what was in the cabinets from before, and none of it made him hungry. 

“Coffee?” 

Tony nodded, stepping back to get it for him. “…sorry Clint woke you up.” It was just sort of stated, as if Tony was anticipating an answer. Loki shrugged. Tony poured the coffee and sat it down in front of him. 

“He’s charming,” Loki said. “In an obnoxious sort of way.” Tony smiled, just slightly puffing his chest out as he grinned. It looked good on him. Tony liked hearing compliments about his friends, and Loki was happy to give them just to watch the way Tony lit up and then tried to cover over it. Loki curled his fingers around the warm ceramic mug. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, putting both elbows against the counter and leaning over. He was quiet for a moment before his eyes darted over to Loki. Loki had seen that expression before. It was a mix of curiosity and intrigue that wouldn’t be left alone. “What about you? Any Clints I should be worried about?” Loki shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. He knew what was coming next. “When’re you going to introduce me to your friends?” 

Loki carefully rearranged the mug in his hands, rotating it a few times before he felt settled enough to answer. “I didn’t really have time for a life outside the restaurant,” Loki said. He tried to keep it casual, but a snide tone slipped in despite his best effort. He paused before trying again. “I’ve never held on to anyone, and the few I still know aren’t worth mentioning.” Loki set the mug down. It was too hot to be fucking around with like this. When he dared a glance Tony was watching him, as if waiting. Loki smiled jaggedly. “I’m a bit of a loner.” He should’ve just said that first, and let Tony put together the rest. That would’ve been better. Shit. 

When it was clear that he wasn’t going to elaborate more, Tony stared off at something towards the ceiling. He stood up and crossed his arms, clenching his jaw and then struggling to undo that before turning back to Loki with burning eyes. “What?” Loki asked. 

Tony swallowed. “Nothing,” he said. He rolled his shoulders, evaluating Loki in a sharp, astute way that Loki never saw in other people. “Just,” Tony dropped his shoulders and loosened the cross his arms were in. “Seems like a waste, that’s all.” He let his arms fall to his sides as he turned around without waiting for Loki to answer. He went over and poured himself a cup of coffee. Loki watched his shoulder blades edge along under his t-shirt, trying to decide if Tony was antagonizing him or not. Tony took his time, adding more cream and sugar to his coffee than Loki had ever witnessed. Tony took a sip, watching the liquid approach his nose instead of looking at Loki directly. “More of you for me then,” Tony said between sips. 

Loki opened his mouth to say something, then went for his own drink instead. “Do you have yogurt?” He asked, trying to spare them both. It was too early in the morning for this. Tony went over to the fridge and took one out, setting it down with a spoon in front of Loki. He felt like he was supposed to say something, but he also wanted to forget about it and go back to the easy way they’d been last night. Tony spun his spoon around in his milk bowl, playing around with bloated squares of cereal. “We could go out somewhere today,” Loki said, peeling back the yogurt lid and setting it down. 

Tony nodded his head to the side, not committing to anything. “Or stay in,” Loki said. It was what he really wanted, but he thought that suggesting going out would perk Tony back up. “Though maybe not the pool,” Loki said. He gestured to the faint red burn along the bridge of his nose and cheekbones. Tony smiled at that as Loki shoved the spoon in his mouth. 

Tony scratched his fingers through his hair, ruffling it to be worse off. “Staying in sounds good,” Tony said. He stretched, exposing his stomach. Tony took his bowl and started walking towards the sink. His phone began to ring. 

Without thinking, Loki picked it up and held it out to Tony. He didn't read the screen. Tony put the bowl away first before coming back for the phone. When he saw it in Loki’s outstretched hand, he paused. An uncomfortable grimace contorted his face. Loki glanced at the screen, wondering who would get that sort of reaction. It stopped ringing. A missed call notification appeared with Steve’s name. 

Loki licked his lips. He didn’t like seeing Steve’s name there, but he also didn’t think that Tony would react that way towards Steve. He glanced back at Tony and extended the phone a little further. Tony didn’t take it. “You can set it down,” Tony said, face flinching. 

“Did Steve piss you off?” Loki asked with just a tiny, tiny bit of hope. 

“No,” Tony said. Loki still hadn’t set down the phone, and was staring at the screen like maybe he was about to flip through things. “It’s not like that.” Tony was getting more tense, and Loki was just beginning to pick up on it. He extended the phone back out.

“Here,” he said. “I’m not going to go through your phone.” That had to be it. He wasn’t some asshole that went through someone’s private messages looking to start shit. Did Tony really think he would? Tony shook his head. Loki glanced back at the phone, as if maybe it was still ringing and he didn’t hear it. 

“You can put it down,” Tony said, taking a step backwards like he was about to wander through the kitchen and changed his mind. Loki gently set it on the counter. Tony reached out and snatched it, dropping it back into his pocket as if Loki were a thief. 

Loki took a long breath. The scent of the damn strawberries in the yogurt was too sweet. He set the spoon down, pressing it tensely against the countertop. “What was that about?” 

Tony scratched at the stubble along his face. Loki could feel the irritation starting to show on his face, and knew that Tony would pick up on it too. That had to be why he wasn’t looking anywhere but Loki’s yogurt cup. “Just,” Tony said quickly. “I have this thing about being handed things, whatever. It’s a tick. It’s nothing.” 

The irritation in Loki unwound as he sank back against the barstool, attention fixed on Tony. “I didn’t realize,” Loki said. 

Tony waved it off, still avoiding his gaze. “Sometimes it’s worse than others, it’s not a big deal.” 

Loki didn’t like the look on Tony’s face. It was too vulnerable, too anxious, too ashamed. He wouldn’t have it. He spoke as tactfully as he could. “What causes it?” He dropped his hands away from the counter. “So I don’t fuck it up again.” 

Tony smiled, though the action seemed slow, almost pained. “It’s not you,” Tony said. “I—” Tony rubbed his hands against his cheeks, irritating his tanned skin in splotchy patches of red that easily vanished. “I have this issue with people handing me things,” Tony said, rubbing a finger against his eyebrow. Loki noted that it had gone from a tick to an issue. “Growing up my dad always said that I didn’t know real work because I’d just been handed things my whole life, and then other people started saying it—” Tony spun his finger around. “Doesn’t matter.” 

“Tony,” Loki said. 

It was all that he could say. He clung to the name like it could call Tony back, like it could save Tony from some of the ache that was growing in Loki’s chest. Tony didn’t have to say it. Loki knew. He’d been told things his entire life, about who he was, and how he was going to be. This wasn't something that he had to be taught. He didn’t need Tony to spell it all out for him. “You know,” Loki said. “That’s not true.” It didn’t sound patronizing coming from his mouth. Tony wavered for a moment like he was considering it before turning on himself. 

Tony’s hand waved ambiguously towards the ceiling. “No,” Tony said. “I inherited like, half of this, and no one else’s family could send them to MIT at seventeen.” Loki knew that tone of voice. He’d heard it in his own too many times. “And then I went and fucked it up and graduated late because I expect everything to be handed to me.” 

Loki wanted to shove the counter aside. Tony felt unforgivably far away. “With two masters degrees,” Loki gently reminded him. “That you earned yourself.” 

“Genius,” Tony dismissed it. He was getting ready to bail on the conversation. Loki couldn’t let that happen. Loki had been through this already, and he’d figured it out alone. Loki knew he wasn’t all of the things that Odin said he was, even if Odin believed that they were true. It had taken him up until a few years ago to realize that, but he had. It hurt that Tony wasn't there yet. 

“You just download everything into your head, then?” Loki challenged him. “You just wake up knowing everything?” 

“No,” Tony started. 

“Because you work at it,” Loki said. “Those people are wrong and they can fuck off,” Loki said, not bothering to restrain the anger flaring in his voice. “Your dad’s company got fucked over and you built a better one, Tony. You’re not someone that expects to be handed things. You work at it.” God, Tony worked so fucking hard it made Loki sick with envy, but Tony didn’t see that. Tony didn't see himself at all, and it was maddening. Loki wasn’t sure he could hold it all in. It was fucking unfair that Tony had been made to believe this. 

The defensiveness in Tony’s stance dropped out but he didn’t say anything. Loki was certain that his face was flushing in anger. He hoped that the sunburn concealed it enough. “That’s bullshit. People have been selling you bullshit.” 

“Maybe,” Tony said. 

Loki understood that too. Words weren’t going to instantly fix this for Tony. It was going to take time. He laid his forearm on the counter and stared at the knife inked there. Before too many memories could surface and take him away, Loki opened his hand, flexing his fingers. Then he turned it over, hiding his forearm and resting his hand against the forgotten spoon. “I won’t think any less of you for it.” He brushed his fingertips over the designs on his other hand. “And even if you had been handed everything I wouldn’t care, as long as you're the same Tony that I’ve been fucking around with.” 

Tony gratefully latched onto the lighter tone in that. “So as long as I’m not shit in bed we’re fine then.” 

“Among other things,” Loki said. “You can’t be shit at everything.” He smirked. “My tolerance does have a limit, you know.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “But I’m not sure what that is yet.” 

Loki stood up. They both knew what was coming next. There was no way that they were going to come to any other conclusion, because this was the one thing that knocked the unruly thoughts and emotions right out of their heads. “It’s going to be a good thing your neighbor’s not around to hear,” Tony said. 

“You like the neighbor hearing,” Loki said. 

“I don’t,” Tony said. He was going to get stubborn on this, Loki just knew it, and that just proved that Loki was right. He rolled his eyes. “I don’t,” Tony insisted. 

“Right,” Loki said. “Do you want to argue about this or do you want to fuck?” Tony actually had the gall to look conflicted about it. For about ten seconds, but still. 

“Why not both—” Tony dropped the words when he saw the look on Loki’s face. Inside, Loki swelled with pride. That look worked on anyone. “Yeah, good point,” Tony said, coming out from around the counter and sliding his hands along the band of Loki’s pants. Loki sought his lips immediately, shoving Tony back towards the counter and knocking the spoon on the floor with a loud rattle. He would make sure this consumed him, that it kept him from the thought that had just crept in. 

Leave it to him to fall for the one man that was going to challenge him, that was going to turn him inside out and call up every shadowed part of himself to come crying to the surface when it should just be left alone. No, he couldn’t just pick someone that’d be fun and forgotten. They were each going to transmute the other into something else, and he knew it. And Loki knew he was going to let that change happen. That Tony was going to matter, really actually fucking matter in his life, and he’d only just begun to realize it.


	12. Chapter 12

In the end, Loki drove home Sunday night. Tony had asked him to stay. He’d wanted to say yes. It'd been the best weekend that he’d had in a very long time, but he didn’t like the thought of waking up alone on Monday morning. Tony’s house felt better, but it still wasn’t home yet.

Loki spent the next few days wasting time around his apartment until the evening. Then Tony would call, always after six, and Loki could tell how much traffic there’d been just by the time it took before his phone rang. Tony would tell him about everything that had happened that day. Sometimes they wandered off into tangents about their pasts, delving into stories about growing up or old mistakes. But more importantly, it was comfortable. Loki would lay on the couch, a faint grin on his face as he baited Tony with another story just to keep him on the line. It worked. They hung up late, when Tony started to get anxious about being too tired the next day, though he never said it directly. 

When he wasn’t on the phone or texting Tony, Loki was ruminating about what to do. He had to do something. He couldn’t stay in this situation forever, but he didn’t know what to do. Every plan had failed him. And now that Tony was around, he really didn’t have time to figure it out anymore—Tony might tolerate him being unemployed for a while, but Loki knew it didn’t look good. And Tony had issues with people taking advantage of him, and if Loki didn't do something soon Tony would start thinking that he was—he often ended his thoughts pacing around the apartment as he listened to a pet bird scream upstairs. 

Friday was the worst day. He knew that Tony would be over at his place after six, and the wait was agonizing. Loki knew it didn’t have to be this way. He could’ve stayed over at Tony’s any time that week, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let himself have it. He didn’t know why, and it was something he felt was better left unexamined. 

Around five he sat down on the couch. He turned the TV on to distract himself, keeping the volume low. The air was still thick with spices from cooking. He’d made everything already, then showered again, because it was too fucking hot to be using the stove in that little space in the middle of summer. The air conditioner kicked on again. 

Loki watched a car wind along the screen. This weekend it was his place, and the next it would be Tony’s. They’d worked that out. He closed his eyes. He got up and fidgeted with things in the apartment. He pressed a poster back to the wall where it had begun to peel back from its tape. He checked the kitchen to make sure everything was still where he’d left it. Eventually he wound back up on the couch, watching the same fucking car commercial. Finally, there was a knock at the door. 

Loki pretended that he didn’t trip over himself getting up. 

Tony beamed at him as he pulled the door open. He had the sudden impulse to hug Tony, but reined it back. “Hey,” Tony said, stepping in with a bag slung over his shoulder. The uneven curl of dark brown hair over his eyebrows was just fucking perfect over that damn picaresque look on his face. “It’s been way too fucking long.” 

Loki nudged the door shut as Tony threw his bag on the couch. “It has.” He watched Tony roll his shoulders and straighten his back, gaze drifting over the apartment as a tiny grin tugged at his lips. Absently, Loki wondered if Tony felt more at home here. They hadn’t discussed it. “What’s that cut on your hand?” The words slipped out before he’d even fully made sense of the red gash running along the back of Tony’s fingers. 

“Oh,” Tony said, rubbing his nose with the offended hand. “I got a little careless trying to rush what I was working on. Nicked myself with a rough edge.” Loki walked the few paces over to where Tony was standing beside the couch. 

He studied it out of the corner of his eye as Tony dropped it, hiding it against his side. “If you get blood in your dinner I’m not making you another one.” 

“Food sounds great,” Tony said, perking up and clasping his hands together. He started towards the kitchen without giving Loki any time to inspect the cut. Tony was in his seat before Loki even stepped a foot in. Loki glanced towards the right side of the table. That was Tony’s seat now, wasn’t it? 

“You just sit down and expect me to serve you,” Loki tsk-tsked, casually tossing open a cabinet and pulling out a plate. 

It clattered under the sound of Tony’s voice. “Feed me.” He sounded like he was in Pet Shop of Horrors. Loki tried not to laugh. 

Loki slid his fingers between the stems of some wine glasses and caught them, pulling them out and sliding them onto the table in one swift motion. He grabbed one of Tony’s wine bottles and set it down next. “Make yourself useful.” 

Tony grinned like he was onto Loki. He had to get up and grab the wine opener that Loki purposefully neglected. “I’ve been looking forward to this all day,” Tony said as the cork came undone. 

“I had no idea from your texts,” Loki said, smirking over at Tony as he set a warm plate on the table. 

“Says the guy that was using emoji,” Tony answered. Wine sloshed into the glasses as Tony generously poured them, paying little attention. Loki took a few forks and knives out, finishing off the table setting. He’d made a grown up version of mac and cheese, adding spices and meat but keeping it simple. It seemed like something Tony would enjoy, even if Loki wouldn’t have ordinarily chosen to make it in the middle of summer. 

“I didn’t want you to think I was being sarcastic,” Loki said, sitting down. 

Tony stayed standing. He slowly pushed a wine glass towards Loki, carefully studying his face. The cut on Tony’s hand distracted Loki. The blood had congealed into a dark, red-black line. “Are you being sarcastic now?” 

“No,” Loki said. Tony leaned down, using his assessing stare as an excuse to get closer. It wasn’t like there was far to go over the narrow table. 

“I can’t tell,” Tony said. The breath from his words slowly drifted in towards Loki, faintly smelling of cinnamon breath mints. Loki grinned. 

“You can’t?” 

“Nope,” Tony said, tilting his head and moving in the last couple of inches. Someone moaned when their lips met, and Loki was going to pretend it was Tony. The moment was brief but pleasant, and now Loki’s teeth tasted like cinnamon. “I needed to do that,” Tony said, standing up. 

“By all means,” Loki said, teasing in his tone. “Whatever you need to do.” He wished Tony would do more, he’d needed that since Tony had walked in the door. Before that, even. Tony pulled out his seat and sat down, settling his feet against Loki’s. It was such an inane thing, but it sent a jolt up Loki’s legs. A warmth settled through his chest. 

“I got so much shit done today,” Tony said, plunging his fork into the mac and cheese. “Remember that program I was telling you about yesterday? Fixed it. There were like, three lines of code throwing the whole thing off.” 

Loki couldn’t look away until he watched Tony take the first bite. Never, not once, had Tony been unexpressive when he ate. It was a beautiful thing to watch the satisfaction spread across Tony’s tanned face, the sudden ease in his posture as he subconsciously rushed to get another bite. “What about the design screen?” 

Tony made a faint moan as he chewed. He scooped another forkful immediately. “Reworked it. You were right, the blue looks better than red.” Tony dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He flipped into the photos. “Here,” he said, scrolling through a few. At first Loki saw the pictures that Tony had been texting him. Then Tony got to the new ones. The redesign was stunning. It looked futuristic and sleek, and far more suitable for the holograms that Tony was making than the red he was so fond of. As Tony went to put the phone away, Loki’s eyes flickered to Tony’s fingers again. Tony reached for his wine glass. “Really. It’s nothing. Stop looking at it.” 

Loki nearly jumped, startled. He’d had no idea he’d been so obvious, or that Tony had been so perceptive. 

“I’m just wondering how long it is before you get blood on my table,” Loki said. Tony rubbed one of his feet against Loki in a slow, soothing motion. 

“It didn’t even need a bandage,” Tony said casually, taking a drink. 

“I’m not a doctor, but it sort of looks like it did.” Loki said. Tony looked away, slightly moving the fingers more out of sight behind his wine glass. Loki let out a short breath. “Look,” Loki said, placing both hands up. He propped his elbows against the table with his dish between them. “I’ve cut my hands on knives and appliances enough times to know the difference,” he said. Partially he just wanted to prove that he was right because he didn’t like Tony brushing him off, but he was also curious about what Tony would do. 

Tony stared for a moment and then set his glass down. He reached forward and grabbed Loki’s left hand, turning it over. “Yeah, I guess now that you mention it,” Tony said. “But the ink covers some of them up.” 

“It’s not that bad,” Loki said, taking a forkful of noodles with his right hand. 

Tony scoffed. “Weren’t you just lecturing me?” Tony asked. 

Loki rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t lecturing you.” The hard callouses on Tony’s hands brushed over his skin, leaving a warm line lingering behind the trail his fingers made. “There’re bandages in the bathroom. Clean yourself up.” He said it like he was in the kitchen, dealing with a new prep cook. Tony sighed and then got up from the table, scraping his chair as he did. Loki pushed his fork along his plate as he listened to Tony open cabinets in the bathroom. He wondered if Tony would be pissed about being corrected. He would’ve been. Tony came back quickly. 

There was a neat row of orderly white bandages along his fingers as he reached for his wine glass again. His feet returned to rest against Loki’s. He didn’t seem even slightly miffed. “There’s this show Clint’s been going on about, some sort of sitcom that he says is hilarious. Wanna watch it tonight?” 

“I don’t know. Can I trust Clint’s judgment?” Loki asked, brushing his toe against Tony’s ankle as he did. 

Tony grinned. “Probably not,” he admitted. “But if it’s really bad, we can still get something out of it, right?” 

“Sure,” Loki said, smirking a little. He’d finished off his food, and now he could enjoy watching Tony do the same. Tony started telling him a story about Clint’s brief obsession with low budget sci-fi films a few years back. He enjoyed the way Tony’s voice wound through stories when they talked on the phone, but it was a thousand times better to have Tony across from him, just so that he could watch the tiny little expressions on Tony’s face. 

They naturally made the progression from table to couch, Tony’s feet tangling up with his as they claimed opposite ends. “I’m kind of hoping for it to be a wreck,” Tony said as he flipped through the channels. It was an old remote, with a boxy body and a chip out of the side. The power button had worn down to a thin red nub. They heard a banging sound upstairs as Tony settled on the right channel. He made an unpleasant sneer. “That guy gives me the worst looks.” 

Loki’s foot twitched, jostling Tony’s for a moment. “What guy?” 

“Upstairs. Has short red hair, is always sipping on a beer on his balcony when I come in.” Tony’s shoulders shook. “Gives me the creeps.” Loki’s eyes narrowed. He knew the neighbor that Tony was talking about. “Oh. It’s starting.” Before Loki could decide how to deal with the neighbor, or get too carried away with how exactly he’d chew the fucker out, a pop song began to blare and Tony laughed. “Perfect already,” Tony said. 

Loki sighed. He shifted his feet comfortably within Tony’s, noting the way that the man grinned as he did so. “Do we have to do this?” He asked, being careful not to make it sound too convincing. 

“Yes,” Tony said. “If I’m going to make fun of Clint’s taste, I’m going to do it with evidence.” 

Loki relaxed against the arm of the couch, sinking further down as he smiled inwardly at that. The show babbled on as it chronicled the cliche lives of some newly weds. Tony was focused on it like a doberman pincher, waiting to seize on whatever it was he’d tease Clint about, but every once in a while he’d break character and glance over at Loki with a soft smile on his face, checking that Loki was paying attention or maybe just that he was still there. Loki would return the grin, then act as though he was merely suffering through the show.

The plot lines of the episode were just about to wrap up when there was a knock at the door. Loki groaned, dropping his head back. Who was this asshole, and why did they have such terrible timing? The knock got harder. “Loki?” 

Loki jumped up, body going rigid and tight. “Fuck,” he hissed. 

Tony didn't panic. He just turned his head to look towards the door with that pitifully innocent expression, like he didn’t know who was on the other side. “What?” Loki snapped back towards the door. The word came out of him by its own volition. He had a split second to glance over at Tony, just to see how bad the damage was. 

“That’s Thor, right?” Tony asked. “I’ll get it,” he said, sounding more cheerful and levelheaded than anyone had a right to be. Loki was too stunned to say anything, and by the time Tony got to the door and was about to open it, Loki could only hear the pessimistic voices in his head. Tony opened it with a loud click. “Hey there, big guy.” 

Thor’s face was visible over Tony’s shoulder. It faltered, from pinched and determined to surprised, then happy. “Tony, how are you?” The name was said familiarly, but the phrase sounded like Thor’s lawyer voice. 

“Great,” Tony said with vigor. “So uh, I’d invite you in, but it’s not really my place and I kind of doubt that you’re here to see me, unless you have amazing tracking abilities? Do you? I might want to patent that.” Tony leaned forward as if he was examining Thor. “There’s money to be made there.” 

“No,” Thor said, sighing. He didn’t take to Tony’s joke at all. “I came here to see Loki.” His brother’s gaze drifted inside of the apartment and found Loki’s sharp stare immediately. “It’s important.” 

“Do shout it so the whole building will hear, would you?” Loki said, dropping his arm against the back of the couch. He wanted Thor to yell at him. That would make things go faster. Instead Thor just looked to Tony for direction. “Come inside,” Loki snapped. “It’s fucking hot out.” Thor’s expression flattened instantly. Tony stepped out of his way immediately. There was the Thor that Loki knew so well. 

Tony was standing off to the side of Thor, looking hopelessly awkward with his posture off balance, though he had that press smile pasted on. Loki had desperately wanted to berate Thor for interrupting, and now he wanted to get back at him for making Tony look that way. “What is it?” Loki demanded. 

Thor’s eyes flickered over towards Tony. “Anything you say can be heard through the walls anyway, and I won't let Tony stand outside and wait.” Loki informed him, tone firm. 

Tony scratched his hands through his hair, ruffling the back up. His eyes left the floor to study Thor for a second, and then he went into the kitchen without a word. Loki frowned. Why hadn’t Tony looked to him for direction? And why choose the kitchen to hide in? There wasn’t even a door. Thor’s attention wasn’t nearly so attuned to Tony. He walked over to the couch that Loki had never moved from and stood behind the back of it, dropping his voice down. “I saw mother today.” 

“I assumed.” The words were loaded with vitriol, only half directed at Thor. 

Thor took in a long breath, but it didn’t seem to soothe him. “Why must you be so difficult? Does it please you to live like this?” 

“Like what?” Loki asked, baiting him. It was the only way they talked anymore. 

Thor clenched his jaw and then let it go. Loki wondered if his tells were as obvious in a court room. “You haven’t had a job in nine months.” That was true. Loki couldn’t deny it. “You’ve worn through their patience.” He thought he’d accomplished that years ago, but it was also true. He’d seen the changing look in his mother’s eyes. The steady fall into disappointment and shame. “Loki.” 

Though his throat was clenched tight and his stomach churned, he fell back on his rage. “Have you come to state the obvious, or do you just enjoy rubbing it in my face?” 

“You know father is not completely blind to the money mother withdraws. Even if he were, he would still be able to reason that she is helping you, Loki.” 

“Again with the obvious.” 

“Damn it Loki, this is serious!” Thor coughed suddenly, glancing towards the kitchen. He seemed to have forgotten that Tony was there when he lost his cool. No, Loki decided, Thor was not so unhinged in a courtroom. “Father told me tonight not to help you when they cut you off.” He tugged at his cufflinks. “He’s serious this time.” 

“And mother,” Loki said, not daring to ask the question. 

“Only subverts him to a point, you know that.” Thor dropped his hand from the cufflink and let out a long, winding sigh. “I think she's starting to see things the way he does. You can only be the baby of the family for so long.” 

“I stopped being that a long time ago,” Loki snapped. Thor disagreed, but he only shook his head and looked away. It was a kindness that Loki appreciated, even if he wouldn’t acknowledge it. Maybe his mother did still see him as her baby. Maybe, despite everything, there was still an affectionate place for him, even if it wasn’t a good fit. Even if he didn’t want it, at least it was something. 

“You need to do something,” Thor said. It was stated, not preachy. Not even a plea. 

“Because that’s so easy.” 

“Just do it,” Thor said. His anger was returning, and this time he completely forgot about Tony. “You can’t just sit here and do nothing. Just go back to cooking. You’re good at it.” A hard metal clink came from the kitchen, as if Tony was deliberately dropping something into the sink. He was probably freaking out. Thor’s fault. “I don’t understand why you have to be like this,” Thor said. 

“I’ll take care of it,” Loki said. Thor needed to go. He was starting to feel guilty and nervous about leaving Tony in the kitchen. Steve had said something, hadn’t he? That he got anxiety attacks, and they’d been drinking, and there was that audiobook in the car—“just go. Thanks for telling me.” 

Thor bristled at the thank you, incredulity spreading over his face. He almost, almost laughed. Then he sobered up. “Fine,” he said. If they weren’t arguing, they weren’t really talking. “I have a date with Jane anyway.” 

Of course he did. Loki turned away, dismissing him. Thor needed to get the fuck out of the apartment so that Loki could go check on Tony. “Bye,” Thor cordially called into the kitchen. Loki didn’t hear a reply, but when he glanced back over, Thor was waving his hand. He gave Loki one last warning look before leaving. Loki was off the couch the moment the door hit the frame. 

He didn’t know what he’d expected to find in the kitchen, but Tony glancing through his phone with his feet propped up on Loki’s chair was not it. 

“That was awkward,” Tony said, swiping at something on the screen with his thumb. “I don’t really dig the whole family feud vibe.” 

Loki leaned against the doorframe, dropping some of his weight into it. He was feeling weaker now that the adrenaline was leaving him. “We’re not fighting each other for survey questions,” Loki said. It was easier to call out his crappy analogy than say anything else. He felt like shit. 

“No,” Tony agreed. Loki hoped that Tony was just going to move on and act like nothing happened. Tony skipped to the next question without warning. “Why didn’t you tell him you got a job?” He looked up from the phone. His eyes were hard, questioning, but not quite upset yet. “I mean, I get that it didn’t go well, but you tried. Shouldn’t that get them off your back for a while?” 

He felt his mouth sink into a hard frown as his mind hit on the answer. “No,” Loki said. He crossed his arms. “It is just another failure in a string of failures. Telling them would only make it worse.” 

“Loki.” 

“We’ve missed the rest of Clint’s show,” Loki said, leaning off the doorframe and uncrossing his arms. “Maybe we can find it replaying on a different time zone’s channel.” Tony got up from the table. Loki thought that was that as they settled back on the couch like before. 

Loki picked up the remote. He began flipping through, knowing that basic cable was not going to have a rerun. “Do you tell him anything?” Tony asked. Suddenly the feet tangled with his felt like a trap. Loki tried to pry a foot away, but Tony’s weight was sunk down over it. Pulling it away too hard would be more obvious. 

“Like what?” Loki asked, eyes set on the TV. 

“Like—what’s going on. What is going on?” Tony asked. “With you?” Loki slowly set his gaze on him. 

A soft, sad smile flashed across his lips before his voice came brittle and unyielding. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight.” Tony stared at him with that wild, fiery look that was so much better when applied to other things. “Please.” 

Tony eased off at the word. “Okay,” he said. Loki felt himself relax instantly. That clever look hadn’t left his eyes. “Do you tell Thor things, though?” 

“No.” 

“Why not?” Tony asked, careful enough to still sound sensitive about it, even if his curiosity was obvious.

Loki’s finger paused on the remote. He tossed it onto the coffee table, paying no attention to what channel it was on. “Because it’s a waste of time,” he said simply. “I’d have better luck explaining a roux to a goldfish.”

“Thor’s smart,” Tony started. 

“That’s not the point,” Loki said. He was a fucking lawyer, of course he was smart. And he’d been snatched up into Tony’s think tank, hadn’t he? It wasn’t like Loki needed that explained to him. Just because Thor could down a keg and play football didn’t mean he wasn’t smart. He’d never thought his brother was an idiot. Not actually. “He doesn’t see things the same way.” Loki rubbed at his nose. “We used to be close, but he became a dick when he went to college.” 

Tony scratched at his chin. “That puts you at what, end of grade school when he went off to college?” 

“Sixth grade,” Loki said. 

“So cute baby brother becomes—”

“—obnoxious preteen, yeah.” Loki pulled his legs away without a fight. They were too warm. Tony pulled his legs up closer to his stomach, mirroring Loki. 

“But then, you went to culinary school when you were—” Tony squinted. He was trying very, very hard to remember something. Like he’d heard about it at the time. “College age. In France, right? And then after that, Thor was already working for shield—”

“Shield?”

“That’s what the think tank was called. Had some convoluted acronym attached to it. Still not supposed to talk about it, but anyway. Huh.” Tony leaned both of his arms back against the couch cushion. A little of his scar showed beneath his stretched shirt collar. “Yeah,” he said, processing a thought. His focus came back onto Loki. He was so good at that, making his focus feel like Loki was his top priority, like he wanted to know everything. Tony grinned a little. “It’s kinda funny. He said the same thing about you at the time.” 

“Said what?” 

“That you became kind of a dick after you went off to school.” 

Loki couldn’t help smirking, even as he leaned his head against his hand, propping it against the arm rest and angling himself more towards the TV than Tony. “Well,” Loki said. “It was kind of hard not to.” Tony’s legs reappeared in his space, stretching out in front of him on the couch cushions without touching him. 

“How so?” Tony asked. 

Loki stared at the texture of Tony’s dark jeans. His socks were an off white color, with a thin golden rod colored thread running through them in triangle shapes. They didn’t seem like something that Tony would buy for himself. “I didn’t realize how fucked up that house was until I got out of it,” Loki said. He sat up, keeping his legs a bare centimeter away from Tony. “Culinary school happened after regular school,” Loki said, vaguely gesturing with his hand. “I went to Dartmouth for almost a year, and I realized it was—shit for me, honestly. Everyone was sick with being the best, or networking, or bullshit, or if they weren’t someone who came from money, how they were going to pay off the loans after it—it took me a while to realize I didn’t care. About the classes, or being there, or any of it. I didn’t give a shit the way everyone else did. I spent high school in prep school, and I thought that was shit—” Loki’s eyes wandered over the room. He’d never really had to narrate it for someone before, or organize how it’d all gone into a story for someone else to understand. “Obviously, I got in, but I was so focused on getting there that I didn’t really think about what it was. Until I got there.” 

Loki hadn’t noticed that Tony’s legs had fallen against his, but they had. He set his hand on the other side of Tony’s leg, leaning back against the couch arm as he tried weaving things together. “It made my mother happy, and I did better in class than Thor, and that made my father—well, not happy, maybe.” Loki combed his hands back through his hair, wishing that he’d kept it tied back. “I didn’t figure that out at the time, though. Not until I realized that I didn’t give a shit about business management or chemical engineering, that was just what my father wanted—so when I wanted to leave,” Loki grinned. “That was a fucking mess. My mother and father railed against it like hell, and I thought I’d already woken up to the bullshit at home, but I hadn’t.” Tony hummed. Loki hadn’t even been waiting for his reaction. He thought he was rambling and tried to keep it short. “By the end of the summer I was shipped off to the best culinary school in France because god forbid I go to a fucking normal school.” Loki rubbed a hand against his cheek. “I was lucky. I was told to pick something, and I did. I wanted it, and my mother managed to convince him that it’d payoff—” Loki grinned, opening his hands slightly and waving them in a light half-circle. “Obviously, it hasn’t.” 

Loki heard Tony breathe in, about to speak, and he didn’t want pity. “But,” Loki said. “The point is. They have their idea of doing things, and I have mine. Thor will be keeping our father happy until the day he dies.” Loki shifted on the couch so that he could prop his legs on the coffee table, resting them over Tony’s. He crossed his hands over his stomach. “He didn’t have to be a lawyer,” Loki said, voice turning hard. “He could’ve been anything.” 

He should’ve tried to, at least. He was a good lawyer, Loki knew that, but he’d never be convinced that his brother wouldn’t have been happier doing something else. It was wasted potential. 

Tony was unusually quiet for a minute, turning that over. Loki supposed that he’d heard the other half of the story from Thor. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know how that looked. 

“I tried keeping my old man happy until the day he died,” Tony said. It was heavy, too serious for his voice. “Still do, I think.” Tony bit on his lip. When he looked at Loki, it was with something like—envy? Maybe. It was sharp, whatever it was. “I kind of get it now,” Tony said, a little lighter. “God, you’re smart.” 

“I dropped out of an ivy league school,” Loki dismissed him. He knew it didn’t really have an edge, but he needed to throw something back. 

“Fuck it,” Tony said, shrugging his shoulders. “You figured out what you wanted and got out. You’re smart.” There was some sort of calculating look on his face, something that Loki wasn’t entirely sure that he was comfortable with. It was sharp, and it looked like envy, it really did. 

“What was it like?” Loki asked. “What’d Thor say?” He didn’t ask because he wanted to know the answer, but because he wanted to get that look off Tony’s face with a distraction. It worked. Tony rubbed his hand over his eye, thinking. It took him a while to answer. 

“Honestly, I think the others would remember it better than I would,” Tony said. “But, uh, I guess he always kind of felt like your big older brother, you know? You were like this sweet little kid in his head that he used to babysit and watch out for, and suddenly you were fighting back and not telling him things like you used to? I don’t know.” Tony picked at the bandage on his hand. “I don’t really get the whole sibling thing.” 

Loki dropped his head back, letting it sink into the cushion. He had suspected as much. It was more than that. Up until Thor left, Loki had come to him with everything. There wasn’t a thing that happened in his life that Thor didn’t hear about. And even when Thor went off to college, they still talked about things when he came home. It wasn’t like before, but they still caught those still, honest conversations when he was home for the holidays. That had been years ago. 

There was no use thinking about it now. 

“Has the TV been on that the whole time?” Loki asked dryly. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “The theme song was a little distracting when you were talking.” Sponge Bob was on. Loki rolled his eyes. 

“Turn it off.” 

Tony stretched out and grabbed the remote. “I wish we’d seen the end of Clint’s show.” He flipped through channels instead of turning it off. 

“I guess we could find it online,” Loki suggested. Tony grinned. He leaned over the side of the couch and picked up his bag from where it had slumped onto the floor. He dug in for a laptop, spilling a wadded up pair of socks and a hoodie onto the floor. Loki stared at them for a moment, fervently wishing that they’d stay there. That they’d become a permanent fixture in his apartment. 

“Way ahead of you,” Tony said, setting the remote down and turning the laptop on. His fingers flickered across the prototype keyboard lightning fast. Loki leaned over and stole the remote, turning the TV off. He wanted to lie over Tony and tuck his chin in against Tony’s neck and forget about what he’d said. Instead he got up and went to the kitchen. He refilled their wine glasses and set them on the coffee table. “Ready?” Tony asked expectantly. He’d moved towards the center of the couch so that there was just enough room for Loki to sit down, but not enough to be that far apart. 

Loki sat down and was grateful that Tony was the one to scoot in the extra couple of inches, wedging them together. Tony set the laptop half on Loki’s leg and half on his own, pressing play. It started right where they’d left off. 

Tony was still a little shorter than him, and Loki used it to his advantage. He tilted his head to the side to subtly take in the mingled scent of shampoo and Tony’s own body chemistry, mixed with something that Loki could only guess came from the lab. Tony must’ve rushed over as soon as he was done. 

The longer they sat there, the more Tony’s weight relaxed against his side. He was warm, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was companionable, in a way that it hadn’t been before. Loki wanted to be there. He wanted the simplicity, he wanted Tony close, he wanted to study the subtle shifts in Tony’s emotions as he watched the show. 

When Tony laughed, it reverberated against him, and even if Loki was only sitting there, pretending to be detached from it the same way that Tony was pretending that he didn’t need to be pressed against Loki, it worked. Tony started the first episode without asking. Loki said nothing. He just took his wine glass and had a sip as if that had been the plan all along.


	13. Chapter 13

On Tuesday morning, Loki awoke to find that he was out of coffee and down to the last slice of bread. After a few pissy moments he gave in and went down to the gas station to buy more. He was still sore from the weekend as he walked down the cracked sidewalks, stepping on cigarette butts and avoiding a fresh wad of chewed gum. 

He swiped his thumb over the mark on his neck, smiling faintly. Tony had been even more enthusiastic on Sunday than usual, and though Loki had been too fucked out at the time to think about it, now it felt a bit like Tony’s way of hanging on. Of not being forgotten. With anyone else the mark would’ve pissed Loki off, but with Tony he really couldn’t find it in himself to care. It was nice, in a way. He didn’t care if anyone saw the edge of it peeking out from under his shirt. 

With the rest of his cash, he paid for bread and a marked up bag of coffee that had probably been on the shelf for too long. Then he began the walk back to his apartment, ruminating. The heat was waving up off the pavements. He wiped his hand across his forehead, glaring at a pair of crows that were picking apart a hamburger wrapper someone had thrown on the ground. As he approached his building’s parking lot, his eyes immediately fell on the silver body of a sleek sedan. It stood out like a sore thumb. 

Loki froze, attempting to hide himself behind the bus stop’s sign pole. 

His sharp eyes darted from the empty driver seat to his front door, heart pounding. It still shook him when he spotted her, though it was the slightest relief that his father was not also there. His mother’s back was to him. Her hand was paused over his front door. Even without seeing her face, he knew her expression. Knew the tight pinch that would be on her lips, the unyielding force and determination hidden behind sweet, motherly concern. 

She turned. Sunglasses hid her eyes, but even from a distance Loki could tell the expression that would be there. He knew it too well to mistake it in the way that she walked back down, one arm going back to the designer purse strap on her arm as the other fell tightly to her side. 

Without thinking about it, he backed up and slipped inside of the bus stop, sitting on the bench beside an advertisement for oil changes. He leaned back to make himself inconspicuous, hoping that the overhang and the advertisements on either side would conceal him. No one else was there. He reached into his pocket for his phone. 

There were no missed calls, no texts. 

Not that she usually called before coming, but she did in the rare event that he wasn’t home. Rent was due in a week, but he had an unshakable sense that she wasn’t here for that. He’d taken Thor’s warning to heart. Flashbacks to his college years convinced him that walking over there was a bad idea. He didn’t like doing this, but he knew that the alternative was worse. 

He stood up, peering around the bus stop. Her car was gone. He walked back quickly. He checked, but there was no note on his door. As he stepped inside, it didn’t feel as familiar as it always did. His eyes traced the dim outline of the room. He was not going to be able to relax here.

A far younger him would’ve ran to her. Now he’d spend the day watching his phone with an anxious twinge in his gut, waiting for that shoe to drop. 

 

When Tony called that evening, Loki had heard nothing from her. “I’m working on this renewable power generator,” Tony started, buoyantly moving past a sluggish hello from Loki. “It’s got this clean energy thing going on—”

“Why don’t I come over so that you can show me?” Loki asked. 

He could practically feel Tony’s pause. “—really? You wanna drive over tonight?” 

“Sure,” Loki said. He didn’t want to sound desperate, but Tony didn't seem to be paying attention to that. 

“Uhh,” Tony breathed out for a moment. “I was just having a microwaved dinner, but we can—”

“Don’t worry about that,” Loki said. “I don’t care about what’s in your kitchen. I’m not judging you.” 

“Really,” Tony said. It was suspicious and skeptical, but there was a question in it too. 

“I like cooking for you, I don’t expect your kitchen to be a fucking patisserie.” Really, what had he done that Tony worried about it so much? He didn’t want or need Tony to be snobby about food. That was his job. 

“Oh,” Tony said. “Okay. Come over nowish then?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay,” Tony said, and it was hard to miss the happiness in his voice. “See you soon.” 

“Bye,” Loki said neutrally, feeling almost giddy. He hung up and immediately threw some clothes into a bag. As he swung into the driver seat of his car, he tried to tell himself that the gleeful feeling bumping around in his chest was just relief from getting out of the apartment and avoiding his mother. But it wasn’t like that. It was the part of himself he’d denied that was singing, thrilled at being allowed to go to Tony when he felt like it instead of playing some contrived game to save face and be cool. 

How many nights had he wanted to get the fuck out of there and just go over to Tony’s? 

He forgot about everything else as he drove, mulling it over. He still didn’t like Tony’s house, and he was going to hate the morning when it came, but right now he was having a hard time denying that he _really_ fucking liked Tony. He was getting excited about going to the guy’s house, wasn’t he? And it wasn’t like he hadn’t already figured this out, wasn’t like he didn’t know that Tony was going to shake up his little world, but it still felt fresh. New. 

When he pulled up to Tony’s house he felt himself smiling like an idiot. He pulled it in, embarrassed at himself. 

The door opened before he could ring the bell. Tony smiled, talking before Loki could say hello. “Hey! Come in.” Loki could smell something slightly burnt on the air, mingled with cheese. “I wanna show you something that I made.” 

Loki tried not to laugh. Tony sounded like a school kid with a drawing, eager to share. He must’ve smirked the way that Tony liked, because Tony’s own grin got wider. Loki took a couple steps towards the lab. “Where’re you going?” Tony asked. 

“I thought you said you were working on a generator,” Loki said. 

Tony’s eyebrows pulled up. “Yeah,” he said. “But you—you actually want to see that?” 

Loki smiled out of discomfort. “Of course,” he said. Was that something wrong? 

But Tony’s eyes got brighter. “Oh, I thought—never mind, I’ll show you it. But after this,” he said, walking in the opposite direction. 

“What did you think I meant?” Loki asked, not moving. 

Tony’s shoulders hunched up slightly, almost subconsciously. “Most people get kinda bored with tech stuff? I thought you were using it as code for ‘I want to come over and have sex’?” 

Loki shook his head, smiling a bit and walking over to where Tony was standing. He hated when Tony got that uncertain look on his face, and he would disembowel anyone that put it there. “Why not both?” He asked, following Tony closer to the burnt smell. Tony grinned over at him, suddenly cocky. 

“I like this one,” he said, clearly referring to Loki. Before Loki could get something snarky out, Tony hurried a few paces ahead to the kitchen. “Okay, so I know it’s not fancy or whatever, but I wanted to try to make something for you. And it was kind of last minute, I did it as you drove over and it just came out, but it’s the one thing I know how to make, so…” Loki walked up to the counter where Tony was standing over a glass dish. There was a lasagna in it, dripping with cheese and still bubbling at the surface. The edges were slightly burned, but for the first time in many years, Loki didn’t feel irritated by it. He felt—it was kind of hard to look at the feeling directly. Tony was watching him, holding his breath, and Loki wasn’t going to break that expression. 

“It’s lovely,” he said. 

Tony let a sigh of relief that he probably thought was subtle. “You don’t have to kiss my ass or anything, I just wanted to, you know…” Loki smiled to the side, letting it be just a bit arrogant. 

“When have I ever kissed your ass?” 

“Hmm,” Tony said. “Good point.” He grabbed a spatula and plunged into it, wrestling out a messy square and flopping it down onto the plate. When he pushed it towards Loki, that apprehensive look was back on his face. Loki decided that he’d better say something. He wasn’t sure why Tony had felt obligated to make it, and he didn’t want whatever was making that look appear to keep going on. 

He took a bite, letting Tony settle down with his own plate before saying anything. He hadn’t eaten much that day, and this was making him feel in ways he couldn’t acknowledge. “This is great,” he said. Tony grinned to the side, staring at his plate and not taking the compliment. “You know,” Loki said, dragging his fork around his plate, watching the sauce create a channel. “You can let me be a pretentious dick about food. You can eat fast food burgers every day for all I care.” 

Tony’s head snapped up to give him a look. “You would not be fine with me eating that _every day_.” 

“Okay, maybe not,” Loki conceded, trying not to clench his jaw. Tony was fucking right, there was no way that he was letting a tongue that tasted like grease traps and dirty fryers anywhere near his mouth. “But I didn’t mind you renaming my wifi and bitching about my phone.” He swallowed. Was Tony going to get the point he was making? “You can be a dick about tech shit and I can be a dick about food.” 

After a moment, Tony nodded his head to the side, and Loki was hit with the sense that he’d been overthinking everything. “Deal,” Tony said. He shoved a huge bite in mouth before adding, “your phone’s OS sucks, by the way.” Loki took a huge forkful, not disagreeing. “So how’s it really?” 

“It’s acceptable,” Loki said, lightly teasing. 

“My mom taught me how to make it.” 

Loki coughed hard. The sound echoed is the kitchen, pounding in his ears. A couple tears escaped, only to be quickly wiped away. “Great,” he said when he could finally speak. “I just fucking called your mother’s recipe _acceptable_.” He grabbed his glass and took a quick drink just as Tony broke into a smile. “Don’t smile when I make an ass of myself.” 

Tony started laughing. “I don’t really care,” he said. “It _was_ fucking acceptable.” Tony grabbed his own glass, maybe just to have something to do, if the fond look he tossed Loki’s way was anything to go by. “She taught me it one time to make a point about being self-sufficient or some bullshit. I don’t know how she knew it, and it uses all pre-made stuff anyway. We had a cook. She never even made me brownies.” Tony scratched at his beard. “I was probably getting on her nerves that day.” 

Loki finished off the last bite, turning his water glass in circles with his fingers. “When I pissed off my mom with pranks, she’d make me help her with laundry.” He set his fork down. “It was the only time I ever saw her in the laundry room. She always had my nanny do it.” 

“My first couple of nannies did the laundry, but when one of them shrunk my mom’s sweater, she started having the housekeeper do it instead.” Tony stood up from the table. “Wanna see what’s in the lab?” Loki got up and followed him. The lab was in greater disarray than before, with Tony’s prized project in the center. Loki was careful not to touch anything as they went up to it. 

The device emitted a beautiful blue color, and the faintest hum came from it. Although it was roughly the size of Tony’s hand, the bottom of the device was much broader. “Yeah. So it’ll make clean energy and stuff.” 

“And stuff,” Loki said. 

“Yeah. I’ve had the designs for a while now. It took me a bit to get it right.” Tony set his hands against his hips, studying the device with something akin to pride and affection. Loki knew that he wanted to speak more about it, that it wasn’t just _stuff_. 

“How’s it work?” He prompted. 

“It has a core that generates electricity,” Tony said, as if testing the waters. Loki restrained from rolling his eyes. Tony had a habit of skipping over things and being vague about them, like he was afraid of being boring. He did it on the phone all of the time. 

“I don’t have to understand every piece of jargon to follow along,” Loki said. “You can tell me about it, and if I have questions, I’ll ask.” 

Tony’s shoulders relaxed, though his hands didn’t leave his hips. His soft brown eyes settled on the device as he spoke. “The core’s palladium. It’s a fusion reactor. The palladium’s damaged by neutrons, and the isotopes could decay into rhodium, which is toxic. But it’s not like anyone’s going to be wearing this thing, so that’s not really an issue.” His eyes narrowed. “But it generates electricity without generating heat first, which is great, and I can wait on figuring out the palladium thing.” 

He glanced over at Loki, and continued when he saw that Loki’s attention was still on him. “What’s really great about it is that it can be made using some of the shit that I dismantled from my dad’s weapon manufacturing. Love that,” he said, grinning a bit vindictively. “And it doesn’t take highly specialized equipment to make, so the production costs won’t be astronomical.” He quieted naturally then, thoughts settled on the device. 

“I can’t fix your palladium issue, but it does look mesmerizing,” Loki gave him. Tony glanced at him and then nodded. 

“It’s not just me then.” 

They watched its glow for a few quiet moments, until Tony eased and they left the lab.

As they walked back into hallway, Tony’s hand slipped around his back, settling just before his tailbone. “I assume there’s something else you want to show me,” Loki said. He took the lead towards the stairs and Tony’s bedroom. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “But you’ve already seen it.” 

“Not enough,” Loki corrected him. 

When they fell into Tony’s bed, it was the same frenzy of teeth and impatience that it always was. But Tony stopped when Loki’s shirt came off. It took Loki a moment to realize why, and when he did, Tony’s lips were softly pressing to the mark. “I got you more than I thought,” Tony muttered. 

“It’s fine,” Loki said. 

Tony didn’t fret about it. His lips came back to Loki’s mouth as his hands pinned Loki’s shoulders to the bed. And it was that damn flashy cardboard kiss again that was getting on his nerves. Like Tony was on auto pilot, like he didn’t know any other way. Loki let out a hissy sigh. It didn’t register with Tony. 

He withdrew his hands from Tony’s back, where they'd been set on leaving trails from his blunt fingernails, and settled them on either side of Tony’s face instead. Tony let Loki guide him onto his back with nothing more than an eager question in his eyes. Loki curled his long fingers back into Tony’s short, ruffled brown hair. It felt good to have Tony in his grip, for him to be so tangible and at his mercy all at once. Loki relaxed his weight onto Tony, efficiently pinning him to the bed. Tony’s heart hammered against his chest. 

They were never gentle or slow, and Loki had no intention of changing that. But he was tired of the same boring kiss when Tony was so good and experienced at everything else. “Let me show you something,” Loki murmured into Tony’s ear. Tony’s body flushed deeper with arousal beneath him, waiting. Loki’s closed lips pressed to the corner of Tony’s mouth. Baiting him. Ever so softly, teasing, he pressed his lips to Tony’s, sliding along the seam of his mouth as Tony’s lips eagerly parted for him, warm breath drifting against Loki’s skin. 

Tony’s hands sought his shoulders, running along Loki’s back as Tony arched upward, impatient, but when Loki slid his tongue enticingly along Tony’s upper lip, they stilled. A needy moan poured from Tony’s mouth. Loki teased his way inside horribly slow, getting headier with lust the more that Tony writhed. Tony’s hands absently clutched at his bare shoulders. The clever, intoxicating work of Loki’s mouth had consumed him. His moans rang in Loki’s ears, and Loki’s grip in his hair only tightened. 

When Loki decided that he’d had enough, he sucked at Tony’s bottom lip before letting go, pulling the best fucking groan from Tony. Tony opened his dark brown eyes. They were shot, dizzy and glazed as they set on Loki. Tony pulled in a breath. A ruddy red flushed around his cheeks. “My turn?” 

“If you can get it right,” Loki said. 

“I might need a few tries.” 

Tony’s lips pressed up hesitantly to his, trying to repeat the pattern. But as soon as he reached Loki’s mouth it was far too much tongue. It wasn’t teasing at all. Loki pushed Tony’s face back a few inches. His eyes blinked open. “Try again.” 

Tony stared at him for a moment, like he was either mad or on fire, but then he got a sloppy grin. He tried again, and this time Loki couldn’t really complain. It didn’t last nearly as long. He pulled back with a gasp, head jolting between Loki’s fingers as he did. Tony’s face was wrecked with lust. “I need to get fucked. Now.” He said, voice breaking into a throaty whisper. 

“Yeah you do,” Loki muttered against his ear, grinning with a laugh as he did. 

It hardly took Tony any time to come, and when they wound up sated on opposite sides of the bed, Tony turned his head towards Loki. “You ever think about how it might’ve turned out differently?” 

Loki rolled his head in the other direction on the pillow so that he could study Tony’s face. It had been a while since they’d talked afterward. Except for the post-sex contentment, Tony was hard to read again. “How what would have?” 

“Like if you’d been born somewhere else, or a different time.”

Loki rolled onto his side, facing Tony. He tucked his arm under his head. “I used to wonder what would happen if my birth parents had kept me.” He stared at a stray piece of lint clinging to Tony’s bedsheets. “It was a closed adoption. I don’t know who they were, and I don’t really care anymore. Knowing wouldn’t make me less of an Odinson. But—”

“What?” 

Loki pushed his long, black hair back behind his ear. “When I was younger, I overheard my parents talking about my adoption. I wasn’t adopted until I was three, and I don’t really remember anything before that, but the agency did IQ tests. My father…seemed to have been swayed to get me because of that number.” 

Tony inched in closer on the bed. They didn’t touch, Tony’s knees just came within a few inches of his. Loki didn’t feel sorry about the story he was telling. It was just what it was, and he didn’t look to Tony’s face for validation. “I think more about what would’ve happened to that kid if they’d picked someone else than I think about who my birth parents were.” Loki stretched his legs. “My father has a lot of expectations.” 

When he glanced over at Tony, he found him waiting. Loki had nothing else to say. The seriousness in Tony’s eyes faded as he spoke flippantly. “I was going to say something about how I wish I’d been born in the Roman Empire, but yours is better.” 

“Dick,” Loki said, shoving his foot against Tony’s shin. 

“Guilty as charged,” Tony answered. 

Tony flopped over to the pillow between them. “I would’ve made a really great gladiator, you know. Think of all my muscle, drenched in sweat as a crowd cheered…”

“That sounds like something Thor would think about.” 

“Uugh,” Tony said, genuinely disgusted. “Don’t bring him up when I’m trying to seduce you with fantasies of me in leather.” 

“It wasn’t working anyway.” 

“Jackass,” Tony said, laying his hand over Loki’s chest. He closed his eyes to go to sleep. Loki watched him for a while, wondering what thoughts usually played through his head, until he lost interest and fell asleep. 

In the morning, the bed was cold and empty. Tony had left hours ago. Loki wandered down to the kitchen half-naked. He was a quarter of the way through a cup of yogurt when a maid walked in. He startled, but she did nothing but level him with an unimpressed, disdainful stare before walking into the next room. Loki left soon after that. 

 

On Thursday, Loki was back to obsessing over what to do. He scrolled through job boards only to end up empty handed or too anxious and discouraged to continue. He checked his phone compulsively, knowing that something was coming. 

He didn’t dare to ask Thor. He’d just have to wait it out. 

By the late afternoon, he was sprawled out on his couch, pretending to read. His eyes scanned the page, but he understood nothing. 

Loki startled when his phone buzzed. He didn’t expect Tony to call. He’d gone _in lab_ yesterday. Loki hesitated before reaching for the phone, expecting disaster. 

_Sam’s making bbq tonight, wanna go?_ Loki stared at the words. Relief washed through him. He could’ve hugged Tony with one of those spine-popping hugs that Thor was so fond of. 

_Yes_ He sent back immediately. 

Maybe Tony was surprised by the ready response. The phone displayed that he was typing for longer than usual, like Tony was going back and rewriting what he’d written. In the end, Loki got a simple _great :)_ with Sam’s address and the time. 

He made a side dish from ingredients he already had, just to give himself something to do until then.

* * *

When Loki got to Sam’s place, Natasha and Clint were already there, drinking beers in the backyard and giving Sam a hard time about his grill technique. The early evening air was cool, thick with the scent of fresh cut lawns. Clint lit up when he spotted Loki. “Hey! Man, you’ve got to give Sam some pointers, I think he’s trying to give us all salmonella.”

“You’re not going to get salmonella,” Sam started, shooting Clint down before swiftly turning to Loki with all the charm of a gracious host. “Hey, help yourself to whatever you want. It’s good to have you here.” 

“Did you bring something?” Clint asked, leaning off the fence and making a beeline for Loki. “Oh man, Tony does not deserve you. You are so fucking nice.” Clint called back to the others. “He’s showing us up!” 

Natasha rolled her eyes. “You’re going to scare him off.” 

“You’re going to scare him off,” Clint mimicked, taking the potato salad out of Loki’s hands. “This is great.” He set it on the closest table. It was hard to mistake the bright look in his eyes. “What do you want to drink?” 

“Give him one of the porters,” Sam said. He fussed with something at the grill as he stared at Clint, waiting for him to take the direction. Clint obeyed, getting one out of the cooler and handing it to Loki as Sam informed him, “those are the best.” 

“Thanks,” he said, grabbing a bottle opener off the table. He popped it and tossed the metal cap onto the table. Clint was standing too fucking close. 

Natasha must have read it on his face. “Clint, let him breathe, will you?” 

“What? I am.” 

“Clint.” 

Clint frowned, but Loki thought of it as a pout. “Grab a chair,” Clint said, taking the one next to the grill. Loki left one open in between them. Natasha left her place leaning against the fence and took the middle seat, much to Clint’s dismay.

“The weather’s too good today not to have everybody over,” Sam said. He didn’t turn away from the grill, but glanced back over his shoulder. “Glad you could make it with the late notice.” 

“Hey, I’ve always wanted to know, did Thor really bring a baby alligator to school in fifth grade?” Clint asked, blowing right past Sam’s niceties. Sam and Natasha both got a particular look on their faces that could only be reserved especially for him. 

“No,” Loki said, dragging out the word. How the fuck would Thor have done that? 

“I knew he was bullshitting,” Clint said triumphantly. 

“Is he coming today?” Natasha asked, trying to redirect the conversation. 

“No,” Sam answered her. “He said he couldn’t come.” 

Natasha only nodded in reply, and Clint was busy working up to another question. Apprehension settled in Loki’s stomach. Of course Thor could be busy, especially for a day-of barbecue, but something about it rubbed Loki the wrong way. 

He took a long, slow sip of the porter. Sam was right. It was good. 

“What kind of stuff do you do?” Clint asked. Great. Fucking questions. 

The back gate swung open with a loud creak. “You started without me,” Tony said. He was wearing sunglasses with colored lenses, and there were several bags of chips in his arms. 

“We started on time,” Sam teased him. Tony dropped the bags on the table and pulled a seat away from the fence, dragging it over beside Loki. Tony wedged the chair into the grass as close as it could get to the plastic leg of Loki’s chair. He grinned at Loki in hello. Loki’s eyes fell to his classic rock t-shirt. “Bruce’s running late, and Steve ran to the store to get more sauce for me,” Sam said. 

“The traffic’s shit,” Tony said. “The highway’s backed up from an accident.” His ankle slid over to rest against Loki’s. “Bruce’ll probably be late.” 

Just like that, the group fell into the rhythm of old friends. Loki felt a bit like he was looking in, but Tony stayed as glued to him as last time. Later, when everyone had gotten there and they were standing around drinking and talking, Tony’s arm didn’t leave his waist. It felt like before, at Thor’s party, but Loki didn’t mind. It set him at ease, helping him to avoid thoughts about the call he expected to come. 

The evening was easy, and he’d forgotten how fucking charming Tony was when he was entertaining a group of people. He was disappointed when Sam called it a night. They all had to work tomorrow. “You wanna come back to my place?” Tony asked as he walked with Loki out the gate. The cicadas shrieked around them. His arm was still around Loki. 

“Tomorrow’s Friday,” Loki said. “I’ll be at your place then.” 

“Okay,” Tony said. He stared at Loki, like maybe he wanted something, but then he simply dropped his arm. “See you then.” 

“See you then,” Loki said as Tony walked to his car. 

He reached into his pocket for his own keys. Shit. Loki turned back towards the gate as he heard Tony’s car start. His headlights flashed against the gate as Loki pulled it open. He spotted his keys in the grass, right under where he’d been sitting. 

“I know,” Steve was saying. The door to the kitchen had been left open. Its yellow light fell into the backyard. Steve and Sam were inside, still putting things away. Loki didn’t mean to listen as he ducked down to grab his keys. “Tony’s always been such a problem child. I feel like I have to keep an eye on him. It’s a habit.” 

“He looks good right now though,” Sam said. A plate clattered, blocking out what he said next. 

“Yeah. But those couple of years there,” Steve said. “I kept expecting a midnight phone call, you know what I mean?” 

“It’s not your job to look out for him anymore,” Sam said, voice getting closer to the door. Loki’s heart pounded. He needed to get out of the yard. The last thing he wanted to do was be found eavesdropping. “Shield’s over.” 

“I know,” Steve said. “It’s just hard to shake my role from Shield when we’re all together sometimes. I mean, Tony, he’s—” Steve’s voice halted in frustration. “Bright, but more sensitive. He needs more help than anyone else in the group.”

“And you keep trying to fill that role,” Sam said. “He might be younger, but just because he’s the baby of the group doesn’t mean you have to—” The door rolled shut. Loki’s heart thundered in his ears. He stood up carefully, keys clenched in his fist, and went straight to his car. He didn’t look back. He just slammed the keys into the ignition and drove home. 

 

On Friday, Loki couldn’t be still. The moment it was time to leave for Tony’s, he was out the door. 

He got there before Tony, and wound up sitting outside in his car with the windows down. Which it was way too fucking hot to be doing. He closed his eyes and rubbed his hand across his face. If he let himself think about it, this was fucking insane. Who was he, showing up and waiting outside of some guy’s house? But he couldn’t stop thinking about Steve and Sam last night, or the way he could hear a pin drop in his own apartment. 

Tony rolled up about ten minutes later. He parked his car in the garage and walked down just as Loki started up the driveway. “Hey,” Tony said, too kind to say _what the fuck, how are you here earlier than me_. “I, uh, picked up Chinese food on the way home. Are you hungry?” 

“Sure,” Loki said, though it was the last thing he wanted. He followed Tony inside. The air conditioning in the house felt like heaven. Tony opened bags and set them out on the table. He told Loki about the day he’d had at work. He didn’t seem too pleased about it. His executive board didn’t seem as thrilled about the reactor device as he was, but Tony was ready to try again on Monday. 

When Tony suggested a movie, Loki gladly laid down on the couch. Tony sat on the far end. The couch was too long for their feet to touch. For a while, Tony made jokes about the movie, but none of Loki’s comments were that entertaining. He was only half watching. When it ended, Tony sat up. Loki didn’t immediately realize that Tony was staring at him. “Is something wrong?” Tony asked. 

Loki turned his head too slowly. He wasn’t going to waste Tony’s time by saying something about his mother. What was the point in that? It would just remind Tony that he was dating an unemployed bum with anger issues. He knew that Tony’s sympathy had to have a limit, and he didn’t really need to hear it aloud. 

And he couldn't fucking tell Tony about what he’d heard, or that it was bothering him. 

“No,” he said. 

“Okay,” Tony said, leaving it alone. “I could really fucking go for a beer float,” he said, standing up. “You ever had one?” 

“Yes,” Loki said, stretching as he got up. 

“Great, because I have three gallons of vanilla ice cream in the freezer. Clint goes through it like a locust.” Tony paced ahead of him into the kitchen. “Steve’s having a get together tomorrow afternoon and I thought we’d go. Are you up for it?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. He sat down at the counter and watched Tony get things out. “What do you—think about Steve?” Loki asked. Tony paused halfway between pulling an ice-cream scoop out of the drawer. He tugged his lips to the side as he thought, moving again to get a set of glasses. 

“Steve’s—” Tony sighed, cracking the ice-cream container open. “Kind of a pain in the ass sometimes,” Tony said. Loki felt relief at those words, he couldn’t help it. Tony pushed the scoop through the vanilla, creating a perfect curl that closed in on itself in one smooth motion. “I mean, I’m really grateful to Steve, don’t get me wrong. He stuck with me during a rough patch.” Tony dropped the ice-cream into a glass. “But he doesn’t have the best way of doing it sometimes, and, well, we were in the think tank together, right?” Tony popped open a beer and poured it in. The foam crested over the side, spilling onto the counter. Tony walked away to get a paper towel. “Part of his job was making sure that everyone worked together well, was doing okay, that sort of thing. Kind of like team leader,” Tony’s voice got further away and then returned. He wiped up the spill and dropped the soaked paper towel in the trash. 

“Well,” Tony said. “Me, not doing so well, kinda became Steve’s responsibility.” Tony scooped out more ice-cream. “And the line between Steve and I wasn’t always so clear cut, we were kind of more like friends in the beginning.” Tony dropped the ice-cream in the glass. “Not that we aren’t friends now, just, it’s different.” Tony poured another beer in and pushed the finished glass towards Loki. He pulled two spoons out of the drawer and gave Loki one before starting on his own float. “Why?” 

“I just wondered,” Loki said. 

Tony leaned both elbows down against the counter as he hunched over his glass, digging the spoon around. “If he says something to you, don’t take it too seriously. Steve’s never completely dropped the commander role.” Tony’s spoon clinked against the glass. “I mean, the think tank ended years ago. It’s time for him to move on.” 

Loki decided to just sip some of the float instead, enjoying the creamy taste it leant the beer. “Is he celebrating something at the party tomorrow?” 

“No,” Tony said. “Just having everyone over.” Tony took a sip from his glass. “Bruce really likes you, by the way. He thinks you’re smart.” 

“But we barely spoke,” Loki said. 

“He can tell,” Tony said. “And Bruce isn’t the most talkative guy in the world.” Tony took a huge mouthful. 

“Thor should’ve shown up at Sam’s.” 

Tony glanced at him. “You think so?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said, stabbing his spoon down into the vanilla ice-cream. 

“He’s busy though,” Tony said. “It’s not easy for him to come to last minute things.” Loki watched as Tony polished off the last of the ice-cream and then started on the beer that remained. 

Loki scrapped at his glass, trying to finish. After a while he gave up and left a sad dollop of melted ice-cream in the bottom of the glass. They were quiet as Tony put things away. He yawned as he leaned up from the dishwasher. “You ready for bed?” 

“Among other things,” Loki said, standing up. He really wanted Tony to fuck the thoughts right out of him. Tony smirked, but yawned again as they headed towards the stairs. 

Tony’s bedroom had a different bedspread and sheets on it now. The pale cream color stood out in the room. “I’m going to go brush my teeth,” Tony said. He disappeared into the hall. Loki sat down on the bed. He traced his hands over the sheets, watching the patterns they made. Minutes passed and Tony was still gone. Loki wasn’t sure how long it had been, but it started too feel too long, like something was off. 

Getting up, Loki started for the hall. “Tony?” He asked. Maybe this wasn’t a great idea. Maybe Tony was just screwing with his hair or something. He could see the light from the cracked bathroom door against the wall. He padded down towards it. “Tony?” 

The door shrieked as he pushed it open. Tony was sitting with his back against the bathtub, knees to his chest. His eyes were closed. “I’m fine,” Tony said. Loki stepped into the bathroom. 

“I’m fine,” Tony said slowly. Loki knelt down beside him. “Just give me a few minutes.” 

“Tell me what’s going on,” Loki said calmly. 

“Just,” Tony said. “An anxiety attack.” He sucked in a hard, long breath. 

“Why didn’t you come get me?” Loki asked. The words were out before he could think about them. Tony grinned something awful. 

“Yeah, and let you see me like this.” 

One of Tony’s hands on the floor bunched into a fist and squeezed. “Tony,” Loki said, temper flaring as fear set in. He was way out of his league on this. He had no fucking clue what to do, what the hell had Steve said? Oh, fucking Steve. Tony’s breathing was getting louder, his eyes pinched shut harder. “What do you need me to do?” 

Tony’s brown eyes set on him. Loki felt speared in their gaze, despite how helpless Tony looked. “Stay,” Tony said. The word surprised him. He had expected Tony to kick him out, but now Tony’s brow was creasing with discomfort. “Just stay,” Tony muttered. Loki scooted forward, bumping into the cabinet with a loud thud as he did. He stopped just before Tony’s legs. “Don’t touch me,” Tony said quickly. 

“Okay,” Loki said. He’d sensed as much. 

“Right now,” Tony said. His eyes fell shut again. “I feel like I’m dying. I know I’m not—” Tony took two deep, hard breaths. “But it feels like—” He gasped, then pulled in a slower breath. “I am.” 

Loki kneaded his thumb against his palm, massaging his fingers together. He didn’t want to feed Tony some bullshit about how it was alright. He didn’t know what was going on in Tony’s head or how this worked. He didn’t like seeing Tony rattled because it hurt. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Tony’s breathing was slow but erratic, obviously under his own combative effort. Loki tried placing what had caused it. He shouldn’t have brought up Steve. “Did I say something wrong?” Loki asked quietly.

“No,” Tony answered immediately. 

“You could’ve come and gotten me.”

“I don’t want my boyfriend to see me like this,” Tony said, voice a bit more even with something to say. 

Loki’s anger flared without a moment’s warning, answering for him as it always had. “That’s exactly why you should’ve come to get me, because I’m your boyfriend,” Loki snapped. He felt his skin flush dark, crimson red. And Tony’s eyes had cracked open, witnessing the whole thing. Loki could’ve died of shame right there.

Tony took a deep breath. His eyes turned glossy and wet, red flushing to them. “You’ll think this is cute once or twice,” Tony said. “But then you’ll be done with it.” His voice broke as he said the last words. 

The heartbreak in them was too uncomfortable to witness. Loki clenched his hands over his thighs. “Who says you get to decide that?” Loki said. “You’re—who the hell said you get to decide how I feel about it?” Tony turned to him with an expression that said he’d seen everything. Loki knew it from himself. “I—I have fucking anger issues, and you won’t think they’re cute when I’m yelling at you—”

“It’s not the same,” Tony said, shaking his head. 

“Why not?” 

“Because,” Tony said. He closed his eyes and wiped his face. When he withdrew his hands, Loki saw there was sweat on them. Loki wished he knew what to do, how to make it all go away. This was so, so beyond him. The first tear broke free of Tony’s eye. Loki stared at it like it was the most taboo thing he’d ever seen. They weren’t there yet, were they? Was this really fucking happening? Tony’s hands were hiding his face, but he seemed to have missed the tear. Another followed. Tony gasped for a breath. When his voice came it was broken. “Fuck,” he said. 

Loki licked his lips. 

“Just when I finally fucking—” Tony shook. 

Loki reached a hand out, then remembered that he wasn’t allowed to touch. He stopped himself, his hand hovering over Tony’s arm. “Tony,” he said. Tony shook, his arm bumping into Loki’s hand. “Talk to me,” Loki said. He needed Tony to talk to him. This was freaking him out too.

“Of course it gets fucked up now,” Tony said. 

“What gets fucked up?” 

“I need to lay down,” Tony said. Loki moved to help him up. Tony didn’t fight him as he’d expected. He shuddered as they stood, but handled walking to the bed with Loki’s arm around his shoulders well. Tony collapsed onto the bed and rolled onto his back. He swallowed in a breath. Loki kneeled down on the bed beside him, awkward and uncertain. Tony rolled onto his side, away from Loki. “I’m starting to freak out,” Tony muttered. “Because I’m happy, and this is going to really fucking hurt.” 

For a few moments they were quiet. “What is?” Loki asked. 

“I mean,” Tony said. “When it’s once or twice it doesn’t really matter, I can get past it, but—nothing I’ve ever been in has lasted this long.” The mattress shook with Tony. “No one wants to—this isn’t—”

Loki stared at him, wishing more than anything that he could get inside of his head to understand and make it easier for him. 

“I took my med for it when I was in the bathroom, it’s not going to stop it completely, but it’ll level me out,” Tony said, pulling his knees in closer to his chest. “Keep it from getting worse. I just—fuck,” Tony decided, grumbling into his pillow. “Need to be grounded.” 

The mattress dipped as Loki shuffled closer. “Can I touch you?” He didn’t know if it would help, didn’t know if it was allowed now, but he knew that it would make him feel like he was helping Tony, and it was the best he had. 

Tony didn’t move at first, but then he nodded his head. Loki laid down on the mattress, tucking his nose in against Tony’s neck, slowly pressing his chest to Tony’s back and tucking their legs together. He could feel Tony’s frantic pulse rocketing off against him. “Can you talk?” Tony asked, in barely a whisper. 

“We’re in your bedroom,” Loki said. He didn’t know what to say, so he said the first things that popped into his head. “Your sheets smell like lavender and body spray. I like the posters on your wall, but I think the paint job’s boring.” Tony almost laughed. Tony took in a big, deep breath. Loki kept going. “You have the best fucking grin when you think that something’s clever, and the other day we went down into your lab and you showed me your reactor device, and you need to come up with a name for it—”

“Arc reactor,” Tony told him. “That’s what I’ve been calling it in my head.” 

“Arc reactor,” Loki repeated. “And it’s blue, not that garish red that you have to stick on everything,” he felt Tony shift against his chest, making an almost-laugh in his throat. “Like those swim trunks you put me in.” Loki cautiously moved his arm to lay it just in front of Tony’s chest on the bed. “You okay?” 

“Keep talking,” Tony said. 

“Tomorrow I’m going to make breakfast, and then we’ll go to Steve’s party, and Clint will want to ask me a million questions. I think he wants dirt on Thor, but either way, he looks like a shit stirrer when he does it. But I like watching Sam and Natasha rein him in. There’s history with him and Natasha, I can tell.” Tony nodded his head but didn’t speak. The adrenaline-slicked scent on his neck bumped into Loki’s nose. “They squabble a lot,” Loki said, remembering just then that Tony liked hearing compliments about his friends. “But I like it. They get along, more or less.” Okay, he’d really fucking hated them all when he’d first met them at Thor’s party, but that had been completely different. And he hadn’t hated Tony. “Sam’s barbecue was good, and I liked that he wanted tips from me but was cool about it. He’s funny too.” Loki was running out of things to say. He paused, taking a short breath and getting another nose full of Tony’s scent. 

“I’m okay now,” Tony murmured. His heart was still beating too fast, but it was far better than when they’d first laid down on the bed. Loki didn’t believe him, but he couldn’t blame Tony for feeling defensive. 

“I’m not leaving,” Loki said. It was firm and almost cynical in his natural voice, but he wasn't going to take it back. Tony’s head fell ever so slightly back towards him, forcing Loki to move his own head back to be comfortable. “And it’s not because I think this is cute or some bullshit,” he continued. Now it was his heart’s turn to thump out a few strained palpitations. “It’s because I like you,” he muttered into Tony’s neck. It took him a few seconds to spit out the end of it. “And I’m trying not to be an ass about it.” That was what Tony had said to him at the pool, wasn’t it? He clenched his eyes shut. It was already fucking out, he’d said it, it was done. 

Tony didn’t say anything, but it felt better to Loki that way. All he heard was the hum of the house’s air conditioner and the tick of a clock. The hall light lit a line along the far wall. And maybe it was just the meds, but Tony’s muscles slowly turned limp and relaxed. His heart rate gradually simmered down. Loki wondered if he was asleep. He couldn’t tell in this position and he didn’t want to speak. His own adrenaline was starting to catch up with him. He fought it at first, trying to stay awake incase Tony did something, but eventually his exhaustion claimed him. He passed out like a light.

 

When he woke up in the morning, Tony was already awake. He had his phone in his hand, scrolling through something. Tony glanced at him and smiled, then immediately turned his attention back to the phone. Loki sat up. 

Tony was propped up against the headboard. He was determined to stay focused on his phone. Loki knew that Tony was trying to avoid talking. 

Loki slouched. He ran his tongue over his teeth. He felt like he was waking up from a night of filthy sex that neither of them was going to acknowledge. But this had been more intimate. Loki swung his feet over the side of the bed. It’d have been less intimate if they’d indulged each other’s dirtiest kink fantasies and he was waking up with toys shoved up his ass. “I’m going to make breakfast.” 

Tony said nothing as Loki quietly strode to the door. Loki jogged down the stairs, letting the motion wake him up. He went to the stovetop and turned a burner on just to feel more at home. 

Ah, this was really a bunch of fuckery, wasn’t it? He pulled open the fridge. Tony had eggs and butter, and barely enough milk. But Loki could make it work. He grabbed the barely touched bread loaf on Tony’s counter. There was one slice missing, and it was starting to go stale. Loki enjoyed the hard grate of the knife as he sliced it into perfectly portioned pieces. 

Butter sizzled as it hit the pan, and that was heaven compared to the faint cleaner smell the kitchen always had. He spun the eggs around in a bowl, taking pleasure in the soft clinking sound of the fork hitting glass. 

Tony appeared right as the first slice of french toast hit the pan, popping and hissing. Tony sat down at the counter with his phone out. He didn’t say anything, but Loki had the definite sense of being watched. He went about cooking as if it was no different than a restaurant with fucking glass windows putting the kitchen on display. 

After a while Tony got up and grabbed himself some coffee. He returned to his place at the counter without a word. Loki took out a plate and heaped a generous portion of french toast onto it. He walked to the pantry and took Tony’s syrup bottle, then grabbed a fork and knife from the silverware drawer. He set them in front of Tony and went back to the stove. He kept the same methodical rhythm with all of the slices, making them swiftly and efficiently, like poetry. 

He paid no attention to Tony, but when he glanced at the man’s reflection on the silver surface of the vent hood above the stove, he could see that Tony was very focused on his plate. It was impossible to tell, but there could’ve been a faint pink tinge to his skin. Loki began to clean the stove as soon as he was finished. He didn’t want to stop moving, or lose what he was doing with his hands. But when the last dish was washed and finished, there was nothing to do but eat. He made a plate and carried it over to where Tony was sitting. He sat across from Tony, keeping the large counter between them. He placed the extra slices in between them. 

Tony took a couple. Loki knew he had to be stuffing himself. He’d given Tony more than he could eat the first time. 

He kept his eyes trained on his own plate. This definitely had that dirty, nasty sex morning-after feel to it. He didn’t know how to play this game with Tony. It took him a while to glance over in Tony’s direction. 

And when he really took the time to look at Tony’s face for the first time that morning, Loki knew that he was supposed to be the one to speak first. Tony’s eyes were bloodshot with bags under them, and his hair was rumpled in a way that wasn’t intentional. He was still wearing his clothes from last night, but then again, so was Loki. “It’s fine,” Loki stated. He dipped his fork into the next bite, pretending to be unaffected. “We don’t have to talk about it unless you want to.” 

Tony dropped his hands into his lap. “It’s really not fine,” he said, resigned. Loki bristled. 

Tony shifted in his chair. He grabbed his coffee mug and sipped, leaving Loki to wonder what the hell that meant. Then he took another bite of the french toast. 

Tony ate some more, and then he got up and grabbed both of their coffee mugs. He filled them and brought them back. Loki took his and watched the steam rise from the shiny surface. He started eating again. Tony let him finish in silence. He’d left his phone on the counter, but he wasn’t playing with it. “I meant what I said last night.” Loki spoke without looking up from his plate. 

He saw Tony’s arm move out of the corner of his eye. “I know.” The word hung there. Tony grabbed his mug and lifted it up, but never took a drink. 

Loki got up and took both of their plates. He put them in the dishwasher. Tony didn’t say anything as he rinsed them off or closed the dishwasher door. When he looked back, Tony was toying with his phone. Maybe it was fine like this.

“What time are we supposed to be over at Steve’s?” Loki asked. He grabbed a wet dishcloth and wiped the syrup away from Tony’s spot. 

“Two. I think,” Tony said. 

“Okay,” Loki said, wringing out the dishcloth. 

“I think I’ll go take a shower,” Tony said. He got up and started for the doorway, then paused. “There’re a couple guest bathrooms you can use if you don’t want to wait for me to get out.” 

“I know,” Loki said. 

Tony nodded at him before disappearing upstairs. Loki went to find his bag. It had been left in the living room. He knelt to the floor and dug through it, looking for fresh clothes and knocking his phone onto the floor. He found the shirt he’d wanted and reached for his phone. There was a text waiting. _I’m picking you up for lunch at noon on Monday._

Loki took a deep breath. He knew how lunches with his mother went. He texted back an _ok_ , then shoved the phone back into his bag. He was ready for a fucking shower. 

Loki took the time to dry his hair out straight afterwards. When he came downstairs, Tony was standing around in the kitchen, playing with his car keys. “I got the time wrong,” Tony said. “We were supposed to be there twenty minutes ago.” 

“Okay,” Loki said casually, walking in. “Let’s get going. I wouldn’t want them thinking I’m a bad influence on you.” 

Tony grinned at the weak joke. He waited for Loki to reach the counter before walking towards the door that led to the garage. “They’ll know it’s me that made us late,” Tony said. “I’m always late. And Steve knows I messed up the time. That’s why he called.” Tony walked closer to him than usual as they went through the house. 

“I’m sure they won’t mind,” Loki said. It wasn’t like they were going to a formal event or anything. As they got into Tony’s car, Tony fumbled around with the music player. It took him longer than usual. Loki reached over and set his hand on Tony’s thigh, placing his other elbow against the car door and looking out the window. Tony stopped fucking around with the music player. As he pulled out of the garage, he shifted so that his thigh was closer to Loki’s hand. 

“Steve’s house is about thirty minutes away,” Tony said. 

“Lucky bastard,” Loki said. 

Tony huffed out a faint laugh. “So we’ll just be like an hour late.” 

“However will they survive,” Loki said. He caught Tony grinning in the rearview mirror. He watched the hills roll by them, letting his hand go limp against Tony’s leg. About halfway before they got to Steve’s house, Tony started talking about ways that he wanted to modify the reactor. He was thinking aloud more than anything, and Loki sensed that some of it was just nervousness, but it was still nice. It felt like the first bit of normal since the morning had started. 

No one was upset that they were late. It felt like it always did, as if the group was just picking up right where they’d left off, but Tony stood close to him without wrapping his arm around his waist. Loki noticed. For the first couple of minutes he did nothing about it, but when Steve came over to welcome him to his house, Loki’s hand slipped around Tony’s waist without a second thought. Tony leaned his weight against Loki in response, but his mouth never stopped talking. He was back to his usual charm, teasing Steve about the shirt he was wearing. 

Everyone was spread out around the living room and bar area of Steve’s house. It was a large room, and there was a handful of new faces that Loki didn't recognize or care to. He guided Tony over to the couch and sat down so that his thigh was flush against Tony. He crossed the other leg and draped his arm around Tony’s shoulders, eyes scanning the room and daring anyone in there to try fucking with him. Tony’s weight fell against him solidly. Bruce came over and sat across from them, asking Tony about some technicality in engineering that Tony eagerly answered, talking with his hands. 

At one point, Loki caught Steve staring at them and gave him a look that had Steve turning right back around. A sly smirk spread across his lips. He hid it before Bruce noticed. They were onto particle physics, and Loki was only half paying attention. Tony’s hand had settled on his leg at some point in the conversation. Loki really didn’t have shit to start with Steve, but he couldn't help the slow rise of antagonism he felt either. Giving him that look had felt satisfying. 

“I’m going to get something to drink,” Tony said. “What do you guys want?” 

“I’m fine,” Bruce said, holding up a still mostly full glass. Tony looked over at Loki, rubbing his knee with the hand that hadn’t left. 

“Whatever’s fine,” Loki said. Tony pulled away, leaving cold air to fill in the place where he’d been. Loki glanced over at Bruce. 

“How’ve things been?” Bruce asked, somewhat awkwardly. 

“Fine,” Loki said. “How’s the garden coming along?” Bruce took to that as Loki knew he would, explaining the pesticide free way he’d been trying to handle spider mites. Loki watched Tony excuse himself away from a conversation and quickly make his way back over. He handed Loki a beer and sat down, wedging himself back into Loki’s side as he’d been before. 

“Bruce, if you get started on the eco thing,” Tony began, half-teasing. He took a drink of his soda. 

“As someone in the technology field, you should know how important it is,” Bruce said. Tony dared a glance over at Loki, grinning. He’d known he was going to stir Bruce up with that. Loki smiled back, draping his arm around Tony’s shoulders again. 

“I know, I know,” Tony said. “I told you my reactor’s clean energy, right?” 

Bruce paused for a second. “Right,” he said. “You still haven’t shown me the design.” Tony reached into his pocket for his phone, flipping through to show pictures. Loki’s eyes scanned the room again as Tony started on specifics. Thor had shown up at some point, but he was staying over in the far corner with Jane and two people Loki didn’t recognize. He had the sense that Thor and he wouldn’t be exchanging more than a brief hello. Tony laughed about something, shaking against his side. 

Loki turned back to their conversation, smiling as Tony started bragging about one of the design specs. He didn’t have the lurching, exposed feeling from the morning anymore. They’d tumbled headfirst over some boundary line they couldn’t come back from, but it was okay. 

He focused on the sensation of Tony’s body against him and the conversation that was happening, pushing away thoughts of the week that was to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Please don’t mix benzodiazepines, like xanax, and alcohol. It happens in this story, but it’s not endorsed and definitely not a good decision. 
> 
> I want to give a big thank you to everyone commenting on this fic! <3 I love hearing from you and your interpretations so much! Thanks to all of you reading along!
> 
> The next chapter will be a lot more Loki-centric, and go deeper into dynamics and why Loki has some of the thoughts/reactions that he does. I know we didn't get to see inside of Tony's head or explain all of the things that he said, but we'll get there too. :)


	14. Chapter 14

A swift hand rapped against the front door. He knew it was his mother. Loki sat up, snapping his laptop shut. Dozens of tabs were left open, all from google searches on anxiety. Loki set the laptop on his couch and straightened his shirt collar. He knew that she would take him to the same place they always went. It was his father’s favorite restaurant, an upscale, fittingly snobbish affair with no natural charm of its own that would be packed in the lunch hour with businessmen and clients trying to sweet talk each other into lucrative deals. He shoved his phone down into his pocket. It was an awkward fit in the dress pants. 

He went to the door, dreading the moment his hand reached for the handle, but pleased somewhere inside to be seeing his mother all the same. He could never completely push her away, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he could. 

“Loki.” His mother smiled up at him, extending her arms to embrace him as she always had. He stepped from the doorway and into her outstretched arms, returning the hug. He appreciated it more than he let on. “You look so handsome when you’re not in those band shirts and tattered jeans,” she said. _You’d look even better without those tattoos you insisted upon_ was left unsaid, though her eyes lingered disapprovingly on the ink across his fingers. It was an old argument. They wouldn’t be having it today. 

Loki sighed, ignoring the irritation that swept through him when she reached up and straightened his shirt collar. It was an unnecessary gesture that made him feel weary, rather than adored. “How have you been?” He asked, catching the sly way her eyes evaluated him beneath her sunglasses as he locked the door. 

“As well as ever,” she said calmly, starting in the direction of her car. Her heels crunched against the grit on the pavement. “What about you, dear? Have you been eating well?” 

“Fine,” he said. 

“Good,” she answered. The car beeped as it came unlocked. Inside, it smelled strongly of the floral air freshener clipped to the visor. Loki stared at the rhinestone pattern plastered onto it as he sat down. “I wanted to see you last week, but you weren’t here when I stopped by. Did you have something planned?” She asked, casually starting the car as Loki picked that sentence apart. She was fishing for where he’d been, she always did. 

She wanted to hear that he’d been following a job lead or doing something productive. But that lie wouldn’t pan out well, and he had no intention of being a messy liar. She probably suspected that he’d been loitering around at one of his ex-coworker’s places, drinking or smoking or fucking around. She always assumed that he was always with them, no matter how many times he corrected her. He supposed that it was easier for her to blame his behavior on someone else. “I must’ve missed you when I was at the store,” he suggested. 

“Oh,” she said.

They were quiet as she pulled onto the highway. Loki ran his thumb over his fingertips. The ink there had protected him from his father’s wishes, marred his presentability and ruined the crisp corporate image that he could’ve been groomed into. 

“The birds built a nest in the tree by your room’s window, just like last year,” she said. “I wonder if it’s the same bird from before, or a descendant.” 

“Could be,” Loki said. 

“We had a gopher in the bushes by your brother’s old room too. It was after my vegetable garden.” 

He’d spent hours with her in the garden when he was still in elementary school, and not too cool yet to be planting flowers and digging up grubs. It was one of the many things that she’d done as a way to spend time just with him, to make sure that he was getting enough attention. He assumed that it had been to make sure that he didn’t feel overshadowed by Thor’s attention from his athletic success. He still liked hearing about her garden. “How are your tomatoes this year?” He asked. 

“Great,” she said. “We’ve been getting more than your father and I can eat.” Her blinker made a clicking sound as they waited in a turn lane. Her voice flowed melodically along as if there was nothing out of the ordinary. “I wish I could say the same for my herb garden, though. It hasn’t been able to tolerate this heat.” 

“It’s been pretty miserable,” he said. 

“Well, that’s what the sprinkler system is for,” she said. “I’ve had to have it on constantly. It’s been difficult to keep the grass as green as other years.” She proceeded to detail the progress of everything in the garden—sunflowers, roses, vegetables, fruit trees, and so on. She told him about the new gardener she’d hired after the old one left to take care of a family member. Nothing more than a simple question or acknowledgement was required for Loki’s part. He was grateful for that. 

He knew it would go in the same pattern that their lunches always went in. 

As always, the drive there was polite, tactfully avoiding anything that either of them actually wanted to say.

When they pulled up outside of his father’s favorite restaurant, Loki resigned himself. He followed his mother through the restaurant, to a table in the middle that had already been reserved for them. He focused his loathing on the gaudy, oversized menu that they were handed. He hardly acknowledged the waiter that chirped the specials at them. Like he wanted whatever was going fucking bad. They were silent as his mother mulled over her options. He shut his menu and used the time to study her. 

Her hair was pulled back and curled, with a few loose tendrils draped over her chunky gold jewelry. It was those same curls that had made him look biologically hers when he was younger, his hair wild and curled. She wore a loose fitting silk top that draped. She looked regal, she always did. He’d always felt proud of his mother for that. Her wedding ring caught the light as she turned a page in her menu. 

He’d had so many lunches like this with her. They’d had begun in high school, but he didn’t figure out until college that they were her way of checking in with him. “I think I’ll have the salmon,” she said. He didn’t answer. She wasn’t seeking validation. Just speaking aloud. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Or maybe the steak.” 

The waiter appeared not a second later. Loki gave him a curt order, but his mother took her time, asking questions and charming the quick witted man. He ignored their banter and glared at the table cloth. His eyes were still on the starched fabric when the waiter left.

“Loki,” his mother said. 

The tone changed instantly, right on cue. 

He raised his sullen green eyes to face her, attempting to keep his face perfectly neutral. It was why they did this at a restaurant, after all. “Yes?” 

“I’m concerned about you,” she said. Her gaze settled on him, fierce and focused. “I think I’ve let this go on long enough.” 

He couldn’t correct her. He waited for her to continue. 

“Have you made any effort to get back into a kitchen?” 

How many times had they told him that they hated him working in kitchens, that they thought he was only associating with thieves and liars? How many ignorant, condescending, spiteful things had they said about his work? And yet this was always, always the first thing that they asked him. “You know I detest working there,” he said. He reached out and righted his silverware, aligning it perfectly. 

“But you’re so good at cooking,” his mother said. It had stopped sounding sincere years ago. Now it only sounded desperate, like she was trying to convince him and be done with it. “You need to go back to cooking so that you can get yourself out of this mess that you’re so proud of.” 

Loki pulled a slow breath in through his nose. 

If they were at his apartment, or his parent’s house, or anywhere not in public, that would’ve made him snap. He had to keep his temper under control here. That was why his mother chose to save these conversations for their little lunches. She thought it worked to her advantage, but it helped him too. He knew that the second that he got too emotional, he’d lose. She’d dismiss him and he’d have to ignore whatever it was that upset him until the unlikely moment that he could say it in a perfect, polite tone. Just for his father to reject it, of course, even if half of anything that his father said was said to him in a screaming fit. 

“I fail to see,” he gritted out, “why I should continue to put effort into getting a job that I know makes me miserable.” 

“Maybe you’d like a different restaurant,” she said. 

He’d clenched his hands beneath the table, but now he righted them. He unfolded them smoothly, laying them on the table for everyone to see. He hoped that the ink tattooed there ruined the stupid fucking image of this place, just like he hoped that it aggravated her. “I have worked in nearly a dozen counting the time I did in school.” They’d had this exact conversation a million fucking times, why did he have to repeat it? “I think I can discern whether I like it or not.” 

“Maybe you’d like a different city. You might like New York, and your father has a lot of business contacts there. Maybe you could get a job at Masa.” 

Right. He’d just waltz in the door of the most expensive restaurant in New York and be handed a job making sushi that he’d never studied or cared for. His mother knew the name, knew that it made money, and suggested it without another thought. She had no idea how things worked. 

“I’ll figure something out,” he said. 

His mother took a sip from her glass. Her eyes were set on the table. There was that unhappy frown in the corner of her mouth, twitching. “Your father and I spent a lot of money sending you to France to study.” 

“I didn’t have to go to France,” Loki said. He’d wanted to, he hadn’t said no. But he also hadn’t asked to go. It had been decided for him. “I could’ve gone to the local college.” 

His mother made a harrumph sound in her throat. “After we sent you to a preparatory high school?” She blinked slowly, regaining her composure. “You are far too smart to be wasting your life like this,” she said. “There are plenty of fine restaurants here that would take you.”

Because there was such a shortage of capable chefs. Right. “I’ll find something else,” Loki said. 

She sat up taller. “Your father and I were only convinced to send you to culinary school because you promised to work hard at it. And you did—”

“But I’m unhappy in the kitchen. I’ll find something else that’s related—”

“There’s no money in that, Loki. The only way that you’re going to make it is if you work for a good restaurant. One of your professors told us that she thought that you could work at any three star Michelin restaurant. You’re perfectly capable.” 

There was that hard glint in her eye, the sort of glint that was there before she’d had enough of him and burst into a sharp sort of anger that sent him to his room because he’d ruined her lamp while playing or lied about something he’d done at school. 

It wasn’t about being capable. He knew it was pointless to say anything. If it wasn’t what they wanted to hear, it wouldn't be heard.

The waiter came with their food before his mother had decided what else she wanted to say. Loki began eating. He hadn’t had breakfast. His mother’s knife made short, brittle movements as she cut. “It does you no good to do nothing,” she said. “You can’t just sit around.” 

“I’m trying,” Loki said. God, he really fucking was. If he knew what to do, he’d have already done it.

“Are you well?” She asked, her eyes set on her plate. 

_No,_ he thought. Then he remembered Tony. _Well actually, I’m better than I’ve been in…longer than I can remember—_ But he couldn’t tell her about Tony. She’d just say that he was more interested in his boyfriend than in making something of himself. And besides, he didn’t want to tell her—everything he said would eventually get back to his father anyway—he didn’t want the questions, or to hear her pass judgment on it—because neither she nor his father could ever just keep their opinions to themselves— he took a long drink from his water glass. He couldn’t. He cared too much about Tony and it was going to really fucking hurt if they came down on him about it. “I’m fine,” he said. 

“I’d like you to see someone,” she said. 

Loki coughed. He knew what that tone and phrase meant. He hurried to take a drink of water. 

His parents loathed the idea of psychologists, were certain that whoever it was would out them and attach a stigma to their family and company. And yet. “There’s a man that your father and I both know and trust,” she continued. “Your father has invested a lot of money into his wife’s business.” 

“So that he can send his fuck up son to the guy?” It just slipped out of Loki’s mouth. He went to take a large bite.

“Loki,” his mother snapped. It was swift, hard but quiet enough that the people at the next table wouldn’t hear. He felt shame at her reprimand, even as his anger continued to burn. 

She continued in her usual tone. “You haven’t been acting right.” Loki ignored her, shoving in a mouthful. “This isn’t the bright, cunning son that I know.” 

“He’ll say the same thing that the last one told you,” Loki said. 

“That was a one time session,” she said. “That’s hardly enough time. And I always felt that the one that saw you as a child missed something. You had nothing to be angry about, but suddenly you were throwing these tantrums and fits. You were so sweet and then you became so difficult with these little outbursts—” She let her voice wander off, as if she was seeking confirmation or something from him. 

He barely remembered being sent to the school counselor in grade school, but his mother brought it up whenever he was acting disagreeable. He’d suggested the one he saw in college, just to set her straight. He’d gone without asking permission, or being paranoid that some secret would get out. _It’s perfectly normal to want to change majors_ , his parents had been told. _He’s doing well. I don’t think there are any serious concerns._ Hah. It’d felt good to be right for once, at the time. Now…now he felt pity for his younger self. For thinking that that mattered. That it was any sort of victory.

“It hurts me to see you suffering like this,” she said. “And I don’t think I’m helping you by allowing you to continue like this.” 

Loki’s phone vibrated. He shoved his fork around on his plate. The text would have to wait. “I’m trying,” Loki said. “I’ll figure out a job.” It was all he fucking thought about. 

“Your father and I have decided that we’ve done enough. It’s time for us to stop.” 

Loki’s vision tunneled to the table cloth. Suddenly all of the sound in the room was missing. He stayed like that until he felt his phone vibrate again. It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. “I will give you enough for this month’s rent. After you’ve seen the psychologist, we’ll discuss the next month.” 

_Don’t get angry, and don’t fucking cry,_ he thought. _You have to keep your shit together, you know what happens when you don’t, they’ll—_ His throat was constricting. He needed to fucking kick something. “Loki,” his mother said soothingly. “I just want you to be happy.” 

He sucked in a deep breath. 

Then, suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

His mother’s eyes were darting in that direction, then her face was lighting up as she recognized someone— “Hi there, Ms. Odinson. It’s been a while.” 

“Tony,” his mother said. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” 

_Tony._

“Just a quick business lunch with a client,” Tony said. The hand on his shoulder squeezed, so subtle that his mother wouldn’t notice, but enormous in the relief that crashed into Loki’s mind. It was hidden, as if Tony’s hand was just resting on the back of his chair. “I hope you don’t mind me coming over to say hello.” 

“No, not at all,” his mother said in a beautiful, pleasant voice. “It’s been ages since I’ve seen you. How are you doing?” 

“Good. Good,” Tony said. The hand on Loki’s shoulder vanished. Tony stepped around the table, just enough so that Loki could catch Tony out of the corner of his eye. He was wearing a gray business suit, and the look on his face was something that Loki had never seen before. Alert, angry almost, it was too hard to tell at this angle, and in this state—and he was fucking trying not to overreact and make his mother suspicious. “I’m getting ready to launch a new product, it’s been exciting.” 

“Yes, I’ve seen your company everywhere. You’ve really made a name for yourself since your university years.” 

“Thanks. We’re working on it. Still growing.” Tony sounded so casual and easy, and charming as always. “How’ve you been, Loki?” Tony asked, as if he was noticing that Loki was there for the first time. 

“Fine,” Loki said stiffly. He couldn’t really make out Tony’s face when he looked at him. It was just a swift glance over. Tony was turning away after a moment anyway. 

“I just wanted to say that you have two exceptional sons, Ms. Odinson,” Tony said. That jolted Loki. _What an ass-kisser._ He almost wanted to laugh. 

But his mother loved it. And Tony made it sound so fucking sincere. “Thank you,” she said, sounding surprised and grateful. “I didn’t realize that you and Loki had met.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “I met him when I was visiting Thor. He’s fantastic, I’d take him for my company in a heartbeat if I could.” Loki watched his mother’s face morph completely. She became lighter suddenly, bright-eyed, thoughtful. “But I don’t want to interrupt a family meal,” Tony said. “I just wanted to drop over and say hi.” 

“Anytime, Tony,” his mother said. “Take care of yourself, okay?” 

“I will. Thanks,” he said, waving goodbye. 

Loki watched Tony weave his way back through the tables and settle down across from a pair of businessmen just a few tables over. It was a crowded lunch hour. This was the one place in town that high ranking businesses took their clients. He should’ve fucking known that there was a possibility of Tony being there. “He’s such a sweet boy,” his mother said. “We went to his graduation.” 

Loki didn’t remember that. Probably hadn’t cared if he’d known. His parents were always networking, he’d probably dismissed it as such. “We’ve hung out a couple times,” Loki said. He wanted to say more, he really fucking did. But he couldn’t. He wanted to tell her, and he didn’t. He knew better. 

“Oh,” his mother said. “Are you friends?” 

“Yeah.” 

“That’s great,” she said enthusiastically. “He’s around your age, I think.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Hmm,” his mother said, smiling a little. There was no way that she had any idea of how serious things were with Tony. And Loki would keep putting that off until it became unavoidable. And Thor wouldn’t tell. Thor knew how their father would react. The shit that would get said. He didn’t want the drama. Their father said shit about Jane and she was a fucking astrophysicist with a god damn perfect record. “It’s nice to see you meeting new people.” 

“I’ve been trying,” Loki said. 

The tension was gone from his mother’s face. She had taken her glass in hand and was staring at her bracelets as she considered something. 

Loki hadn’t forgotten where they were, though. “I won’t see the person you chose,” Loki said. Whoever it was would just do what his parents wanted for him, anyway. And while he knew there’d be confidentiality agreements, and legalese, and whatever the fuck else, he sincerely doubted that things wouldn’t get back to his parents under the circumstances. 

But his mother acted as if she’d almost missed what he’d said. “Hmm? Alright, dear. If you don’t want to go, I won’t force you.” 

“I don’t want to go.” 

“Alright,” she said lightly. 

“And if you don’t want to pay my rent, that’s fine.” It wasn’t like he wanted her to pay for it. He just didn’t have a better option. He’d figure something out. He had credit cards. He could…he could figure something out. Until he figured out the job. He could make it work.

“Loki,” his mother said, her face softening. “I don’t want you to feel that your father and I don’t want you. We love you.” 

“I know.” She said it all the time. She thought he was insecure about being adopted, but he knew he’d be an Odinson until the day he died. She was way off the mark. 

“We can discuss it again later,” she said. The waiter came up to the table just then, setting down a black booklet. She slipped a credit card in and handed it back to him. “You’ll figure something out.” 

Loki stared at her. He didn’t know what to say. 

Suddenly her approval was back, and he’d wanted that. He hated himself for it, but he fucking wanted it. From both of them. His father and his mother. He stared down at the knife inked on his arm. It’d never really worked its magic the way that he’d wanted it to. 

“Mum,” he said. The waiter had set the black booklet back on the table and she was scribbling away in it with a pen. 

“Hmm?” 

He remembered there was no point in trying to say anything else. He’d rallied hard enough during and after college to learn that the hard way. “Thanks for lunch,” he said instead. 

“You’re welcome,” she answered, snapping the booklet shut. “Shall we go?” 

“Sure.” 

The drive back to his apartment was mostly quiet. When they got there, she parked in the lot and then reached over to her purse. The magnetic snap on it clicked as she pulled it open. “Here,” she said, withdrawing a white envelope. Loki felt his heart sink to the bottom of his feet. He didn’t want it. More than anything, he’d wanted to never ever need it again. He’d tried so fucking hard to do that. But life hadn’t worked out that way. What the fuck was he going to do? Not take it? Hating himself even more, he accepted the envelope from her outstretched hand. “You should keep trying to meet new people,” she said. 

“Okay.” 

“You look happier,” she said. 

There was no fucking way that was true. 

His tongue slid over a bump that he’d chewed in his cheek. He hadn’t realized that he’d been doing that. “Bye, Mum. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” she answered. Loki reached over for the door handle and let himself out. The door quietly fell shut. Loki turned and walked back up to his apartment, dragging his feet as he did. 

He felt sick. 

He shoved his keys into the door and threw it open, kicking it shut behind him. Then he closed his eyes and let his back sink against the door until he slid down to the floor. His phone slid out of his dress pocket and hit the ground with a thud. He combed his long fingers back into his hair. He always fucked it up. He was always getting emotional and fucking things up.

He couldn’t explain it to her, he’d tried before, and she was always saying the same things to him, and maybe she was right, he had definitely fucked things up, but it wasn’t like he was proud of it, he wasn’t trying to be like this— 

It was fine. It was fine, it was fine, but he wanted to cry about it. Fuck, why was he always like that? 

They were right about him. 

A hum shook against the carpet. He took in a wet breath and glanced down at the screen. It was too bright in the dark room. 

_I don’t think your door will be that hard to break in._

What the fuck. 

Loki snatched up the phone just as another text came in. _I’ll get you a new one, though. Can’t have that neighbor of yours ogling me._

It was Tony. Loki frantically scrolled back through the texts, realizing that he’d missed several in the car. How had he not felt them? 

_I’m coming over._

_What time will you be back?_

He scrolled up. There was the first message he’d felt in the restaurant. 

_Hey! I see you! ;D_

He stared at the one that had followed. 

_Are you ok? Is it ok if I come over there?_

Delayed, he realized that Tony was coming to his apartment _now_. Tony was going to see him with his blotchy face and this stupid, fucking— he tossed the envelope away from him. It hit the back of the couch and fell down. His heart started to pound. How long did he have? 

He felt a knock against his back. He gasped, jumping. He’d almost screeched. 

Loki stood up on shaky feet, rapidly rubbing at his face. It was ok. He was just overreacting to the same old shit. He just needed to get the fuck over it. His fault for being a fuck up, it was fine. He’d tell Tony everything was fine. It was fine. He was fine. He could do this.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry. Much more is to come in the next chapter, and some explanations, and Tony to be there to hear some of Loki's narrative perspective. :)


	15. Chapter 15

There was another knock as Loki rubbed his hands across his cheeks. He stood, slightly hunched towards the door, while he brushed his fingers away from his eyes and took a short, warm breath. It was fine. 

Tony’s back was to him when he opened the door. Tony immediately spun around, the hand that had been scratching his head dropping away as his uncertain, anxious face rushed to take Loki in. His dark brown eyes darted to Loki, needing to make contact. “Hey,” Tony said. His eyebrows took on a sympathetic worry as the nervous energy drained out of him to be replaced by something else. “I—uh, fuck, I’m glad you’re at home.” Loki hadn’t noticed that Tony’s phone was in the other hand. He watched as Tony slid it into his back pocket instead of meeting Tony’s gaze. “It would’ve been a waste to break in your door without you there to witness it.” 

Maybe Tony had been trying for a joke. But the tone wasn’t all there, and Loki didn’t want to get caught up in that stare. He noticed Tony’s feet moving first, then felt as Tony stepped past the limp arm that had been holding the door only half open, as if Loki hadn’t known who he was answering the door to. Tony’s hand went to the light switch. 

Suddenly Loki’s brain caught up. He shut the door and took a few steps into the apartment. Tony was already making himself at home on the couch. He grabbed Loki’s laptop and set it on the coffee table. Loki hovered awkwardly a few steps from the back of the couch. “You shouldn’t have left work in the middle of the day.” 

“Eh,” Tony said, shrugging. “I’ve already finished up what I had to do. I was just going to spend the rest of the day messing around in the lab anyway.” Those damn soft brown eyes waited on Loki, accompanied by that uncomfortable smile on Tony’s lips. “That’s kind of the nice thing about being the boss. No one’s telling me where I have to be. It’s fine.” 

“But you didn’t have to—”

“Are you going to sit down or what?” Tony asked, voice snapping in the middle like a string wound too tightly. 

Loki glanced at the couch. He rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, creasing the ends so that they sat in perfect white rectangles against the ink on his forearms. Tony said nothing more until Loki walked around and sat on the opposite end of the couch. “So. What’s going on?” Tony asked as Loki sat down. Loki kept his feet on the floor, careful not to cross into the little space between them. 

“Why’d you come over to the table?” Loki asked. 

Loki rubbed under his nose. They were perfectly fine, this was just a normal conversation as if nothing were out of the ordinary, he told himself. It was fine.

“Because I didn’t like the look on your face.” Loki looked at him before he could think not to. Tony’s expression was fierce, and mingled with that anger again. Loki needed a moment to study it. “And I wasn’t going to fucking sit there.” 

Loki pushed his hair back behind his ears. “It’s fine.” 

“Loki.” The weight of his name on Tony’s tongue hurt. “I know it’s not. Tell me what’s going on.” 

Just hearing the words sent a fresh flush to Loki’s blotchy cheeks. He blinked quickly, trying to nonchalantly rub the side of his face. His throat was getting tight again, and for once his anger was failing to protect him. 

He licked his lips. 

He heard the soft parting sound they made as they opened. 

“I—” Loki’s eyes traced the pattern of the threads on the couch cushion. “Had lunch with my mother.” 

“I saw that,” Tony said. 

The sarcasm didn’t make him laugh like it would’ve. It just made him feel stupid. Loki tugged at the top button of his shirt collar. It felt too tight and constricting. He let the white collar gape open against his neck as he stopped playing with the button and tried for scratching his nails against the coarse couch fabric instead. “It wasn’t important.” 

Tony took in a long, deep breath. “Loki.” 

“It’s nothing new,” Loki said, his anger finally flaring in where it was supposed to be. “I don’t need a lecture on how I’ve fucked up again, I already know.” He really, really didn’t need to spell everything out for Tony. It had to be pretty obvious to Tony anyway, how much longer was he going to stick around? Until someone better came along? Someone without his issues? Loki didn’t need to shove his flaws in Tony’s face, he didn’t. But before he could point out to Tony that it was fine, Tony was interrupting him. 

“Do you really think I’m going to lecture you, Loki?” Tony’s voice was calm suddenly, level. There was a raw edge to it that just begged Loki to hear his honesty. “When have I ever done that?” 

Loki’s lips tugged back at his stiff face, trying for an appeasing smile but incapable of creating more than a frown. “It’s not important. I’ll figure it out.” 

“Stop that. Whatever it is, I’m not going to freak out,” Tony said. Loki’s hands curled in against his thighs, stretching the dress pants. “Unless you’re like seriously sick or something and not telling me, then I’ll freak out.” Tony was kidding as he spoke, but Loki was feeling sick again. 

Maybe if he was just out with it, Tony would let it go. Dragging it out and keeping it from Tony didn’t appeal to him anymore. He had to shove it out of himself. “My mother put an ultimatum on how long she’ll help me with the rent. And I—if I go to a psychiatrist, they’ll consider helping with the next month.” Loki mumbled on the last bit. A heat crept up his cheeks as he stared at the coffee table, acutely aware of his face.

The couch bounced as Tony spread out a little. One knee was still to his chest with his foot on the couch, but he allowed the other to drop down and hang over the side. Tony hummed. “And,” Tony said. 

“And that’s what she said,” Loki said. 

“No,” Tony said. “What’re you thinking about it?” 

Loki smiled bitterly. It was a reflex. His gaze didn’t leave the coffee table. There was no bite to Loki’s words when he spoke. “What the hell am I supposed to think about it?” He asked flatly.

Tony made a sound in his throat like he was mid-word but stopped himself. He leaned back against the couch arm away from Loki. For a while nothing was said. Loki tersely tried to shove down the torrent of emotion welling inside of him. Like every other time in his life, he was failing miserably. 

Not only had lunch with his mother happened, but now he was embarrassing himself in front of his boyfriend. 

“You know,” Tony said. His voice seemed out of place at first in the quiet room. “I’m still kind of pissed that you saw me have an anxiety attack.” Loki turned to look at him. The intelligence in his eyes was frightening. “But you saw,” Tony said. He waited a moment, like he was expecting Loki to get it, but Loki just stared at him instead. “I think you can let me see you with this.” 

Fuck, who taught Tony to talk like that? “Tony,” Loki said, voice wavering. How could he make Tony understand? “It’s different. Your anxiety, that’s just neural pathways and brain chemistry and shit. That’s not your fault.” He pushed his shoes off so that he could put his feet up on the couch in front of him. Loki’s knees sat in front of him like a wall. “This is—this is me.” A moment after he’d gotten it out, his throat constricted again.

The couch cushion jostled as Tony shifted. “Loki, you don’t understand. People don’t treat me the same after I, after they see me like that. They act differently. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just—having a rough patch. I guess? You haven’t really told me.” The last sentence was softer. It wedged into Loki’s chest like broken glass. 

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you,” Loki said. He didn’t like what Tony had implied at all. Tony opened his mouth as if he was about to disagree. “Tony. I don’t fucking care that you have anxiety attacks. You can have a hundred. I won’t ditch you over that. I just want to handle them right when they do happen so that you're not hurt.” Loki flinched. He pinched the bridge of his nose and held up his other hand as he spoke. “…I mean, I give a shit, not giving a shit’s not what I meant—”

“I know what you meant,” Tony said. He undid the buttons of his suit jacket and took a deep breath. He ran a hand along his beard, rubbing against his chin. “See. That’s not—” He glanced at Loki. “I’m okay that it happened with you.” 

“I thought you said you were pissed.” 

“I did,” Tony agreed. “And I am. But because it happened, and because you had to deal with it, and because I didn’t like you seeing me like that. Not because of you. Not everyone’s like that, Loki. You’re—” Tony tugged off his suit jacket and dropped the thousand dollar garment over the back of the couch to fall in a crumpled mess on the floor. “Usually, they just—” Tony licked his lips, changing the way he was seated again. “I mean, usually they’re pretty shitty about it. They don’t know how to handle it, whatever. It’s fine. But you, you—” Tony’s eyes darted towards the ceiling as one hand curled into a fist while he struggled with what he was trying to say. “You’re different,” Tony said. “I can talk to you.” 

Loki traced his kneecaps with his fingertips. “You can talk to anyone,” he stated. 

“No,” Tony said, shaking his head. “Like, there was this one time with Steve that we — I thought I could tell him things, and he judged me. He didn’t say anything directly, but I knew that he did, you know? And I thought it’d be different because—I’m getting off topic. Point is, well, um, I forgot what the point is.” Tony almost smiled, letting out a tight breath he’d been holding in. He was quiet as he thought for a moment. “Fuck, you know, actually, usually I’m the one that’s upset. I haven’t really ever been on the other side and done the whole consoling thing before. Uh, so, fuck it. Look. You're upset. And if you don’t want me to be here, fine. But I’m really not okay with whatever’s put that look on your face.” The anger that flared up in Tony’s words sent a new sensation through Loki. “And it’s frustrating that you won’t tell me about it. So fucking tell me, or—” Tony shrugged his shoulders. He rubbed his hand against his face. “Loki.” Tony said, seeking a response. 

“She let go of the therapist idea after you came over to the table,” Loki said. His voice was sullen, resigned. It surprised him to hear it coming from himself at all. “In a way, I’m shocked that they’re suggesting it instead of just cutting me out,” Loki said. “I guess my mother won that argument,” he said, thinking aloud. He’d been rubbing the palm of his hand with his thumb. When he glanced up at Tony, Tony had eased a little. Tony was quiet and attentive, waiting. “Uh,” Loki said, grimacing. “I guess she hasn’t given up on me completely. Or it’s a waste of an investment.” He put one arm over the back of the couch, leaning his side against it. “When I was in grade school, she sent me to the school counselor. She thought I’d developed a disorder or something, because I was having tantrums. She was told I was fine.” 

“She always comes back to that when she’s pissed at how I’m acting because I can’t ever fucking just be upset about something, you know? Something has to be wrong with me instead. She thinks the counselor missed something. So in college when I dropped out, she started thinking about that again. She thought I was having a breakdown because I was choosing to leave a prestigious university. I went to the university counselor just to prove her wrong.” 

“I was right,” Loki said, taking in a deep breath. “The counselor told her that I was fine. That it’s normal for people to change directions when they’re young.” Loki pushed his hair away from his face again. “My father and she found someone new to see me now. Some guy who’s susceptible to their money and influence. They’re paranoid of being found out, of people knowing that one of their sons is fucked up. They’re afraid of the stigma.” Tony nodded, though he looked uncomfortable. “It’s not—it’s not as nice as you think. They’re not doing it because they’re worried. They—” Loki brushed his fingertips over his bottom lip. “The implication is that I must be crazy if I’d give up the life they had planned.” Loki’s eyes slowly drifted away from the couch to look over the room. “Maybe I am.” 

Loki fell silent. “I didn’t see anyone when my dad was still alive,” Tony said. He didn’t rush to speak, just said it in the natural lull. “I was anxious sometimes, but I thought it was normal. I thought everyone lived like that. When he’d catch me being anxious about something, he’d tell me to get over it. That I thought too much, or didn’t have thick skin, or needed to get over myself and stop making everything about me—I thought it was me for a long time. And then,” Tony said. “He died with my mother in a car crash. And I started having full blown anxiety attacks that were way beyond what I could handle by myself. And because he wasn’t there telling me no, I finally let myself think, _holy shit, I have a problem_.” Tony leaned against the back of the couch with his side, like Loki. “My parents were so caught up in their image that I was too. I let something go on untreated that I shouldn’t have.” 

Loki leaned his head to the side. “So you think I should go?” He asked quietly. 

“No,” Tony said. “I mean, only if you want to. I don’t think it matters. And I don’t think you’re fucked up. What I’m saying is that you might believe what your parents think without realizing it.” Tony sighed. “I know I did.” 

Loki traced his pointer finger over his knuckles. He hadn’t considered that. He thought he was past their influence after everything he’d done, but it was becoming impossible to stay in denial. 

“She said you don’t have to go though,” Tony said. “Why’d she change her mind?” 

Loki breathed in deeply. His eyebrows pinched. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “She just changed her mind after you came over.” 

“Oh,” Tony said. 

“I’m sorry,” Loki said. 

“For what?” 

“Not introducing you,” Loki said. He flashed back to Sam’s backyard. Tony always had a warm group of friends around him. He’d been so proud to introduce Loki as his boyfriend, and Loki hadn’t been able to give that back to him even once. “I didn't want to put you on the spot.” It wasn’t the complete truth, but he couldn’t admit to Tony just how agonizing it was, or how fractured and complicated his trust with his parents was. He didn’t want Tony to have to deal with that like he did.

“I didn’t even think about it,” Tony said. 

Tony seemed sincere. There were no signs on his face otherwise. It was hard to tell. Tony looked so much more alive than Loki felt at that moment. “All the same,” Loki said. 

“I’ve heard things over the years, you know,” Tony said. “About how your father runs things, and not just from Thor. They’re not exactly a small business.” Tony said. He paused. “It’s complicated for me too. I know them, but I don’t really know them.” Tony leaned back, dropping his arm against the back of the couch. “Whatever you wanna tell them is fine with me,” Tony said, dismissing it. 

Loki let his knees fall open as his hands went to his feet to rub at his ankles. He didn’t know what to say to that. He could ask more about what Tony’s history with his parents was, but he didn’t have the energy. He was past the initial shakiness and just felt heavy instead. 

“So,” Tony said. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

Loki glanced up at him. Hadn't he just said a whole fucking lot? Tony couldn’t want more of that. “Don’t give me that look,” Tony said. Loki hadn’t realized that he’d had one. “You put me off the last time I asked.” 

“About what?” Loki asked. 

“What _is_ going on with you and working?” Tony asked. 

Loki’s gaze dropped down to his feet. His black hair had slumped over his shoulder and was brushing against the part of his neck exposed by the shirt collar. He supposed that Tony had a right to hear. He wanted to tell Tony, but the words didn’t feel safe outside of his head. He didn’t want to hear Tony pass judgment. But they were past that line, weren’t they? Whether he liked it or not, he couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t close enough to tell Tony those things. “I’m just…I’m just really fucking burnt out,” Loki said. 

He cupped his hands together and rubbed them across his face. He swung his feet over to the coffee table and slouched before dropping his head against the back of the couch instead. 

“Like how?” Tony asked, obviously thinking that was all that Loki intended to say. It was just hard, that was all. He was going to fucking say it, he just needed a minute to figure out how to say it. He rubbed a hand against his face again. 

“Where I am, what I’ve done, it’s just…” Loki stared at his hands. “I didn’t want to be in this fucking mess.” 

Tony gave him a little more time before chiming in again. “You wanna explain that to the class?” 

“Sorry, I’ve never had to fucking tell anyone before—” Loki snapped. He stopped, pinching his eyes shut for a fleeting second before letting it go. He couldn’t act like this. “Sorry,” he said sincerely, correcting himself. “I’m not used to this. Talking about shit.” 

A soft laugh crackled in the back of Tony’s throat. “What?” Loki asked. 

“Nothing,” Tony said. He was grinning. “I just feel like I’m seeing myself from a few years back, that’s all.” He was trying to drop his smile and failing. “I think now I know why Bruce found it so infuriating. That’s all.” 

Loki didn’t know what to say to that, so he settled for staring at the off television instead. He disliked his foggy reflection. “Forget I did that,” Tony said. “Keep going.” 

It was nice that Tony’s voice could manage to be so light when he felt like shit. It made it seem like things were going to eventually work out somehow. “I didn’t want to fuck myself over when I was going to Dartmouth, you know? I realized that if I stayed there, I’d just become someone that I didn’t want to be.” His eyes felt heavy as he looked the other way, staring at the poster on the far end of the room instead. “When I left, even though I was going through a lot of shit with my family, and then trying to navigate the hell that was landing in another country and language and trying to make sense of everything and pass school at the same time, and catch up with classmates that had been cooking their whole lives instead of staring at books—it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Because I felt like at the end of it, I’d have a career that I wanted that my parents hadn’t chosen, that I loved and wanted, and I’d be out of their influence once and for all.” 

Loki rubbed his palm against his forehead, then dropped it against the couch arm. “But I fucked up. My plans didn’t go as I wanted.” He leaned down and tugged at one of his socks, fidgeting with it for a moment before sitting up and continuing. “I got back and…one kitchen after another, I was miserable. Well, scratch that. I was miserable when I was in the kitchens while I was still in school, but I busted my ass to get through because I thought I’d like other ones. I was actually really successful, but I was fucking unhappy. I chose wrong.” 

He massaged his fingers into the back of his neck. “I mean. Now I’m sitting in an apartment that I would’ve been kicked out of after my last job fell through if my mother wasn’t paying for it. I know—I know I should just get over it. I know no one likes work, that’s why it’s called work,” Loki said, breathing out harder. He felt like he was borrowing Thor’s voice when he said it. “But it’s—it’s dissatisfying.” 

“Work?” 

“No,” Loki said. “It’s—” He brushed his hand against his chin. “Being miserable at work, just so I can pay for things, so that I can save to pay for more things, just to go back to work and be miserable to buy more things that I don’t want just because I have to—I don’t care. And I—I’m fucking weak, I get that, okay? But I can’t fucking pretend to give a shit anymore. It just—it’s burnt out of me.” He rubbed extra hard at his cheek. “I can’t find the energy.”

“Hmm,” Tony mumbled. 

“I feel like I’ve fallen into a void,” Loki said. Maybe that sounded stupid. It did. God, was there any way to say this that didn’t sound dumb? He was always so fucking emotional, that was his problem. His family had always pointed it out to him, he knew. He reacted to things more than any of them. Tony wasn’t saying anything. Might as well be out with all of it if things were already fucked. “I’m frustrated too,” Loki said. “Everyone I know has moved on with their lives, and I haven’t. I thought time would fix things, but it hasn’t.” 

“What does your mom say when you tell her this?” Tony asked. 

“I don’t,” Loki said. “I’ve tried to, a few times. She just talks past me, you know. I don’t think she _can_ understand. She doesn’t have the experiences to.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “I’ve known people like that.” 

“Besides. I have to be careful about what I say,” Loki said. 

“To your mom?” 

Loki nodded. “Anything I say gets back to my father, eventually. And then I hear it from both of them. She’ll take my side, but she won’t cross him. Besides, it’s not like one’s pitted against the other. I’m just not as close with my father. He’s difficult to be around.” It was strange laying all of this out for someone. He never needed to explain these things to Thor, and he never told anyone else about it. Not really. Not like this. He didn’t know if he was embarrassing himself or not. “I can’t explain this to her,” Loki said. “Because if I—if I do it wrong, or she talks over me or dismisses me, I’ll get upset. And I can’t be upset with her. I’m dependent on her. I have to watch what I say.” Loki scratched at his nose. “I mean, I’ve tried to explain and it hasn’t worked. I don’t want to be dependent on her. But when I think about going back to work in a kitchen, I get tight in my chest—” 

Loki could feel the same sensation start up just thinking about it. He felt stupid for saying it, but then he realized that if anyone was going to get what he meant about the feeling, it was Tony. “I can’t find a better alternative. I’ve tried to get into other things, but no one wants a chef to be their accountant.” He smiled, as if he was joking. “So between this misery and that misery—” Loki said. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes, then let go and stared at the floor, his mind racing. “I’ll figure it out. I’ve been trying. I mean, if I could’ve figured a fucking way out, I would’ve done it by now—” He snapped. He needed to get back on track. 

“And I’ll never really get out of it,” he said. “I thought I’d be independent of it if I didn’t work for my father’s business. But even when I was working, and completely independent of them with finances they still—then it was, we want you to see this girl. Her father’s business is in the Fortune Five Hundred. It would be a good advantage. Or, we want you to open an upscale restaurant that we can take our clients to. You need to get press. I don’t want to run a fucking restaurant.” Loki rubbed his hands down his thighs, sighing. “They have power over me whether I’m accepting their money or not.” 

“And I don’t want to lose them, either.” Loki admitted the next bit softly. “I hate them, and I love them. You know?” 

“Yeah,” Tony said quietly. “I know what that’s like.” His eyes were distant. “I know what that’s like a lot.” 

“I know I’m wrong. I know I can’t complain,” Loki said. “They’re supporting me, and money’s important. But—” He huffed out a heavy sigh. He was certain that Tony thought he was a huge dick at this point, and he was fumbling over how to put together what he wanted to say. 

“But money’s just money,” Tony said, voicing Loki’s thoughts. “It’s not like they miss what they spend on you.” There was a burn in Tony’s eye, like it was personal. “And they use it to make you do what they want, and then make you feel bad when you don’t want to. And you’re dependent on them, so you can’t argue.” Tony scratched at his beard. His voice was hard. “My parents were like that and I didn’t even think about it.” He put one foot on the coffee table. “I was just used to it.” 

“I don’t think my mother’s malicious,” Loki said. 

“Maybe not,” Tony said. “But that doesn’t change how it affects you.” Tony looked tired now, his eyelids drooping as he stared down at the floor. “Yeah, you need money, but you need other kinds of support too. They’re not completely the same thing.” Tony let his other foot join the coffee table, carefully avoiding Loki’s laptop. “I always thought it was cheap,” Tony said. “My father would buy me something to make up for not spending time with me, or missing a school event, or breaking a promise, like he could just pay me off.” Loki laced his fingers together and stared at them. “It was shitty.” 

“Yeah,” Loki agreed. He didn’t know what to say anymore. Tony was quiet, and Loki was confident that it was because he was thinking. Loki felt like he had to apologize. Tony had asked him to tell, and he’d been honest, but it was ugly. Tony had to be having second thoughts, or at the very least, think a little less of him. He took in a breath, readying himself to speak, but suddenly Tony spoke before he could say anything. 

“What does your family think of you?” Tony asked. It didn’t sound harsh. It didn’t have much of a tone at all.

Tony had to know anyway. He was friends with Thor. Loki wasn’t sure why he was asking. “That I’m spoiled and overemotional.” He pinched his hand unthinkingly. He let go at the sudden pain. “I guess I’ve always been a bit of a trouble maker. I have a temper,” he stated, biting on the nail of his pinky finger. He let that hand drop down dismissively against the armrest. 

“But you’re not allowed to get upset in your family,” Tony said. “Of course you’re angry.” 

“It’s not that I’m not allowed to get upset,” Loki said. His words were starting to get harder, his temper falling back into place. “I just lose it more than anyone else.” 

“From what Thor’s said, your dad yells all the time.” 

“Yeah.” 

“And Thor can throw a fit,” Tony said. “I’ve seen it.” 

Loki huffed a breath out through his nose. “I _do_ have a problem,” he said, almost condescending. 

“Fine,” Tony said. “But there’s got to be a _reason_ that your anger is so close to the surface all the time.” 

Because it was never fucking allowed out, that was why. Loki blinked slowly, reining himself in. Tony might find this interesting while it was still a puzzle to be worked out, but he wouldn’t tolerate it for long. “Probably,” he said. 

“Why’d you try breaking away from your family the first time?” Tony asked. The question was sharper, like Tony felt that he was onto something. 

“Because I realized it was fucked up,” Loki said. 

“You could’ve just kept going along and taken what they gave you,” Tony said. “But you didn’t.” 

Loki nodded his head. They’d been through this before. 

“Maybe you’re not as past it as you think,” Tony said. Loki turned towards his challenge, paying close attention. “I know you think you cut ties and all in college, and I know you think you’ve done what you can to get past it, but maybe you still believe some of the things that they’ve said about you.” Tony was getting that fiery look on his face again. “I’m still fucking around with shit my parents did and they’re gone. That shit doesn’t just disappear overnight. It takes years.” Loki looked away. 

“Listen. I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass and act like I get all of it,” Tony said. “Most of my fucking up was from me drinking and partying my way out of shit, and it was spite that drove me to get the company I have running now.” Tony pulled in a breath. “But I like _you_ Loki. And I’m not going to hold it against you that you’re struggling. I mean, fuck. So am I.” God, Tony’s voice was powerful when he was emotive. “It’s not like when we met that I didn’t know something was going on. You just never talked to me about it.” Suddenly he was aware of Tony’s hand on his thigh. Loki glanced over to find that a smile was whispering across Tony’s lips. His voice continued on in the same timbre. “I mean, if like in five years you’re still in the same situation I might have a problem with it, but that’s because it’s not good for you. It makes you unhappy.” 

“Tony,” Loki said. He leaned in closer to Tony, uncertain of what it was exactly that he wanted to do suddenly. He wasn’t sure how to wade through the emotions that were pouring in around him. Tony’s hand came up to his face in response. A cool thumb brushed along his ruddy cheek. That stupid smile was sneaking onto his face. “This is really not badass,” Loki said softly. 

Tony broke into a laugh. “No. I guess it isn’t.” When he caught Loki’s eye, he was mid-smile. He leaned in and kissed Loki. It was warm, not flashy or stiff like the others. And it was so, so satisfying, in a way Loki had never experienced before. “God,” Tony muttered. He leaned back. Then he rubbed at his cheeks, closing his eyes for a moment. “You wanna,” Tony said, opening his eyes. “Go out somewhere to eat and then go see a movie or something? My treat,” he insisted. “Or, we could hang in if you want, but—”

“That sounds good,” Loki said. It would feel good to get the fuck out for a little bit and get some fresh air. It felt like they both could use it. He was happy to take the out. “Just let me change out of this,” he said, standing up. 

“No,” Tony said. “I like the way you look in that.”

Loki rolled his eyes, but grinned all the same. It felt good to suddenly be talking like normal. “Please,” Tony said. His voice was playful again. 

“Fine,” Loki said as Tony got up off the couch. Loki reached over and slid his arm in around Tony’s waist, tucking his chin over Tony’s shoulder for a moment. “Just for you.” He muttered into Tony’s ear.

“Yesss,” Tony declared lightly, as if he’d just won. Loki released him as Tony dug into his pocket for his keys. Tony froze for a second, and then looked over at Loki. “Are you okay to go now? I don’t mean to be cutting you off if you want to talk more…”

“You’re not,” Loki said. He was done talking about it for now. He’d said everything he’d needed to say. “I’m fine. I'd rather be watching you try to cram ten fries in your mouth at once.” 

“I only did that one time,” Tony said. 

“When you thought I wasn’t looking,” Loki said. He grinned. He felt a little dizzy, like he had emotional whiplash, but this felt right too. He leaned in close to Tony, crossing that invisible line of personal space just to be nearer. “Are you okay to go?” He asked. He had thrown a lot at Tony, and Tony had been upset when he came over. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. He grinned, sliding his hands in past Loki’s sides to clasp together at the small of Loki’s back. His keys jingled as he grinned up at Loki. “I’m good.” Tony’s eyes were fond, there was no mistaking it. “I’m gonna be better when I get to see how those dress pants look on your ass.” Right on cue, the hand without the keys slid down over his ass. Loki laughed. 

“You’re easy to please,” he said. 

“It’s one of my many charms,” Tony said. Then he let go and stepped back. “Come on, let’s go,” he said. 

Loki nodded towards the door. “You first.”

“Spoil sport,” Tony muttered, but walked to the door first anyway. As Loki went to catch up with him, he felt an exhausted, somewhat cautious ease settle in. Tony hadn’t fucking lost his shit or left. He hadn’t even said something patronizing. Loki wasn’t used to not needing a defense, or not being told how things were. He wasn’t used to being heard. It was a lot to process. But right now, he just wanted to be.

They talked during dinner like they usually did, laughing and quipping with each other as if the afternoon hadn’t been an emotional train wreck. They whispered comments to make each other snigger during the movie. It was perfectly comfortable. He wanted to pull Tony in tight and never let him go. Tony felt like the friend he’d always been meant to have. And then some.  
  
  



	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this chapter contains explicit sexual content, and is entirely skippable, if that’s not your thing. It's more of a bonus. Chapters will return to the M rating again after this.  
>   
>   
> _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Loki’s eyes opened slowly to the hazy morning light of Tony’s bedroom. He didn’t move, just looked over beside himself to see that Tony was awake, tapping away at his phone as though he hadn’t moved a muscle from the night before. 

Loki had drifted off watching him send work emails. Loki had been more exhausted than he’d cared to admit. It couldn’t have been long after crawling into the bed that he’d fallen asleep. He remembered the occasional sentences between them here and there, and feeling content as Tony’s attention divided between him and the emails. Loki hadn’t minded. He’d been perfectly pleased to stretch out beneath the soft covers, abandoning his dress shirt and slacks on the floor as Tony distractedly sat on his side of the bed and grumbled about someone not following directions. 

Loki hadn’t even felt the usual hesitation towards staying the night at Tony’s. And it was impossible to regret the decision now, when he was waking up to this. Tony sat slightly hunched over his phone, his back propped against the headboard. For a brief second Loki had wondered if Tony had slept at all, but the signs were there. His hair was tousled to one side in deep, rich browns that curled at boyish angles from the pillow. There was a pallor to his skin that suggested sleep, but too little of it. Tony’s eyes were in that relaxed, soulful state that Loki loved so much. They were so expressive, so clever and with such depth, even when they were just pacing back and forth across text. 

Tony’s navy shirt was wrinkled with heavy creases. Loki didn’t remember it from the night before. Tony must’ve changed into pajamas when Loki was sleeping. He often did, even if he put absolutely nothing else but a shirt back on, as if the cotton protecting his chest was a second skin. This morning, crumbs had scattered down the front unnoticed. More fell from the donut in Tony’s left hand and landed on his shirt. 

Tony’s mouth twitched to the side, as if he was amused for a second.Then he scrolled a little further before his right thumb went back to the keyboard and typed a swift response. He took a bite from the donut. 

Brightly colored round nonpareil sprinkles generously covered the white icing of the cake donut. There was a tiny fleck of icing on the corner of Tony’s mouth. Loki watched as another sprinkle fell and hit the sheets unnoticed. They were scattered all around Tony, tucked in the folds of the fabric and pooling in places. “It looks like you haven’t moved an inch,” Loki said. 

Tony’s head lifted, his face brightening slightly as he realized that Loki had woken. “Practically,” Tony said. He grinned slightly, scrolling with his thumb still as his eyes were set on Loki. “You were talking in your sleep last night,” he said casually, reading his phone again. 

“Did I say anything interesting?” 

A slight smile slid across Tony’s face. “No,” he said, gaze not leaving the phone. He tapped at something. Then he took another bite of his donut, his gaze drifting over towards Loki again. 

Loki raised an eyebrow teasingly, pointedly looking at the donut. 

“Go get your own,” Tony said. “I’m eating this one.” He shoved another bite in his mouth, cautiously holding it closer to his face, as if Loki really would take it. 

Loki grinned, about to tease him. 

“Why aren’t you at work?” He asked suddenly, the playfulness dropping out of him in an instant. 

Tony didn’t look up from his phone, and his facial expression stayed the same, though it seemed slightly more pinched. His shoulders hunched inward. He was probably unaware of it. “I called and said I’d be working from home this morning. They don’t need me until noon for a meeting,” Tony said. His tone was perfectly level, nothing like Loki’s. 

Loki pushed himself off the bed, sitting up. The sheets pooled around his briefs. “It’s fine,” Tony said before Loki could say anything. It wasn’t sharp or brittle, but Loki picked up on the finality of Tony’s words. He slouched forward. 

“I think I’ll go downstairs and get a donut,” Loki suggested, sounding slightly dejected in spite of himself. In response, Tony tugged at a bakery box on the nightstand that Loki hadn’t noticed. Half a dozen donuts were left, and enough crumbs to conclude that Tony had eaten a few already. Loki glanced at Tony’s face for direction, but the engineer was reading his phone again. 

Loki leaned over the bed, stretching over Tony and setting his hands down on the edge of the bed for balance as he reached for the box on the nightstand, giving Tony an unobscured view of his back. He fished inside the box until he found one that was pure chocolate. Then he sat back, crossing his legs and staring at Tony as he began to eat. Tony’s eyes quickly darted back to his phone, almost guiltily. He typed something quickly and then dropped it on the nightstand. 

Taking a slow bite from the quarter remaining of his donut, Tony watched Loki. 

“When’d you get these?” Loki asked. A piece of chocolate cake from his donut fell and hit his chest as he took another bite. Tony’s eyes followed it to the bedspread where it landed, but he didn’t say anything about cleaning it up. 

“Yesterday morning,” Tony said. “I brought them into work, but everyone’s on some cleanse diet bullshit or other. They ate like two.” Tony finished off the donut that was in his hand. He was watching Loki extra close again, but Loki couldn’t read much more into it than that. 

“They’re still good,” Loki said, anticipating that Tony would ask. He licked off the chocolate on his lip and took another bite. They were a little stale, but he didn’t mind. “I think I had dreams about that movie last night,” Loki said, not because it was true, but because he didn’t know what else to say. 

“Yeah?” Tony leaned off the headboard and scooted forward on the bed. He pushed some of the covers away from himself, and in the motion Loki saw that he was wearing soft plaid pajama pants. “I don’t remember any of mine.” 

“Me either,” Loki said, cramming the rest of the donut in his mouth. He wiped the chocolate on his hand against his bare knee. 

Tony pulled his legs out from under the rest of the sheets and sat with his legs crossed like Loki. “You fell asleep fast last night.” Loki dropped his hands into his lap. 

“You took forever to check your email,” Loki said. It was true, but he couldn’t tell if Tony had been saying that as a complaint, so he wasn’t sure how to answer. 

“I was ten minutes, tops,” Tony said, grinning a little. “I just had to tell the idiots in HR to clean up their shit.” 

Loki yawned. “But you were up all night?” 

“On less important emails,” Tony answered, as if that cleared things up. He scratched a hand through his beard and stubble. He was starting to grin again, but it looked like he was fighting it. “You know, you’ve got this piece of chocolate right on the corner of your mouth.” Loki’s hand went to his lips. He was certain that he’d licked it off. He felt nothing. “Here,” Tony said. He reached out a hand as if to brush it away, but then his fingers were sliding back to cradle Loki’s head and Tony’s lips were coming in to meet Loki’s own. They were warm and sweet, and as Tony’s tongue slid along the seam of his lips, it tasted like vanilla and blueberry and cinnamon and ten other flavors. 

For a brief moment, Loki melted into it. It reminded him of the day before, satisfying, but intriguing too. He grabbed Tony’s shoulders and pulled back. “I can’t believe I fell for that,” he muttered. “That trick’s so fucking old.” 

Tony laughed. “It worked though, didn’t it?” Loki rolled his eyes, smiling as he did.

Tony’s hand hadn’t left. “Have I told you how much I like your bedhead hair?” Tony asked, rubbing his fingers in slow circles against Loki’s scalp. 

Loki gave him a look of exaggerated skepticism, his lips quirking up to the side. 

“I do,” Tony muttered against his hair. His head rested against Loki’s for a moment, and in it Loki could feel something shifting between them. Tony kissed his temple, uncharacteristically tender. “It’s perfect on you.” 

Loki grinned, smiling a bit nervously. “You don’t have to sweet talk me.” 

“You know I wouldn’t feed you bullshit,” Tony said. Loki could feel Tony’s breath on his lips. When Tony kissed him again, Loki tried to make it as reckless as they always were, but that didn’t last longer than thirty seconds. It felt forced, awkward, unnatural to be doing that. And he was still so fucking sleepy, and Tony was fucking wonderful, and he was fucking it up. Somehow. He relaxed, enough that he felt comfortable pulling Tony down with him. He shifted to free his legs, pointing his knees up on the bed as Tony settled between them. 

Tony’s lips trailed down his neck, and Loki found himself tilting his head to the side, a slow burning heat rising in him as Tony sucked at the skin offered to him. Tony’s warm body pinning him to the bed and the soft sheets under him and the sleepiness made pleasurable by this was so good that it was painful. It was far more than he was used to. “You’re overdressed,” Loki said, distracting himself from that thought. 

Tony grazed his teeth against Loki’s skin before leaning up to see Loki’s face. “Am I?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” Loki said, tugging harshly at the drawstring of Tony’s pants. Tony groaned, rubbing himself impulsively against Loki’s hip before catching himself and pulling back. He sat up, kneeling. 

Tony hooked his thumbs inside his pants. “If it’ll make you happy, your highness.” Tony tugged the pajama bottoms and his boxers down in one tug, then kicked them off onto the bed, his thick, hardening cock swaying in the motion. Tony looked down at him. When their eyes met, it was Loki that felt exposed. Tony crawled back down over him, mouth going to Loki’s collarbone. Loki hissed, back arching up as his hands gracelessly wandered Tony’s back, seeking an anchor. Tony’s hand felt down his ribs, his thumb playing at Loki’s waist for a moment before his fingertips slid into Loki’s briefs. “You’re overdressed too.” 

“I’ll let you take care of that,” Loki said, deciding that his mouth needed to be on Tony’s neck, now. 

But Tony was moving, and when Tony’s hand slid over the smooth, tightly stretched skin of his hard cock, Loki forgot that he was looking for distractions from that exposed feeling. Tony’s thumb played at the head as a grin spread across his face. Loki could feel his cheeks starting to burn as he closed his eyes. “Don’t you always,” Tony muttered. 

“I don’t—” Loki breathed out, starting to argue. 

“Kidding,” Tony said, his other hand sneaking in past Loki’s waist band too and kneading at his hip. Precome had dampened a small spot in the briefs. Tony shuffled back, sliding them down, and Loki hurried to accommodate. Tony didn’t seem to think much of Loki tossing them impatiently at the wall. Instead, he just grabbed Loki’s hips and bent down, teasingly brushing his lips over Loki’s stomach before leaning back up and playing at one of Loki’s nipples with his tongue, peaking it harder. 

Loki dropped his head back against the mattress, taking a deep breath. He was grateful for Tony’s hands on his hips, holding him in place, because everything else felt chaotic. Something was off from how they usually were, and he wasn’t sure how to process it. Before he could pick at the thoughts and start analyzing, Tony licked a hot, wet stripe up his hipbone. He groaned. “Tony,” he muttered. “Quit fucking around.” 

“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” Tony said. 

“That’s not—” He grabbed the sheets as Tony blew his searing breath against Loki’s cock, then took it in his mouth a moment later, sucking hard. Loki’s hips snapped up before he could help himself. Tony’s grip on him tightened, pressing him back down and giving Tony control. His lips stretched around Loki’s cock, saliva slicking them and rolling down his chin as Loki’s cock sank in and out. Tony hummed, getting his mouth fucked with relish. He looked at Loki with fire and delight in his eyes. 

Suddenly Tony pulled back with a wet pop. His breath shook. Tony rested his head against Loki’s thigh for a moment, his eyes falling shut. 

“This is not—” Tony took a breath. He pressed his lips to Loki’s thigh, eyebrows furrowing. “I mean, I need—you know what, sorry, not what I want, we need—” He sat up, leaning back and catching himself on one arm as the other yanked open his nightstand drawer, knocking his phone and a pen onto the floor. Tony stretched, digging his hand into the back of the drawer. 

Loki watched as he dropped a bottle of lube and a condom on the bed, then was surprised to see Tony sit back. He settled between Loki’s ankles. An uncertain grimace flickered across his face for a moment. He reached up and carded his fingers into his short hair. 

Loki sat up, his breathing still hurried, his heart beating a bit too fast to be comfortable. “Hmm?” 

Tony stared down at the sheets. Loki had never seen him look so uncertain, not in bed. Loki moved, taking his long legs back and shuffling forward instead so that he was sitting in front of Tony. He placed his hands on Tony’s shoulders, feeling level and in control suddenly. Leaning in, he sucked the spot he’d wanted on Tony’s neck from before, denied from going any lower by the shirt that Tony still wore. 

Tony’s fingers slid into Loki’s hair, combing the long dark locks. He repeated the motion as Loki’s mouth found his pulse. Tony’s leg wrapped back around Loki and pulled him closer. Loki leaned in towards Tony’s ear. “If you want to fuck me into the mattress, you should just say so,” he said in a low, throaty utterance. 

Tony sucked in a quick breath. “No, I—” Tony’s grip tightened for a moment. “Lokes, I need you to fuck me right now.” Loki sat back, his own eyes sharp and intelligent as he searched Tony’s face. There was a vulnerability there that he wasn’t used to. And it wasn’t like this was something that they hadn’t done before, but _Lokes_ was certainly new. Loki smiled to the side. 

“Great,” he said lightly, trying to reassure Tony as he did it. The need on Tony’s face didn’t leave. Loki guided him down to the bed, placing his hands on Tony’s shoulders again. He held the intense look in Tony’s eyes for a moment. Loki’s attention flickered down to the shirt. He traced his fingertips around the edge, feeling the texture of the fabric beneath the pads of his fingers, watching Tony as he did. The question was too intimate for either of them to ask aloud. Tony reached down and grabbed the hem, tugging it up a little for Loki. 

Loki peeled it off of him, dropping it on the bed and leaning down to suck on the juncture between Tony’s neck and shoulder. Tony moaned, flinching. “Loki,” he pleaded. “Now.”

“On your stomach,” Loki answered. The sheets whispered as Tony rolled over. Loki was glad that Tony’s face was buried in the pillow as he stifled a yawn, the rest of his body struggling to catch up with the excitement in his groin. He reached over and grabbed the things that Tony had tossed onto the bed. The condom wrapper crinkled as he pulled it open. 

Tony sighed, moving his head to the side. At this angle, Loki could see the dark flush crawling down Tony’s cheek. “Now,” Tony muttered. 

“God, you’re impatient,” Loki said, somewhat praisingly. By the time he’d slicked his fingers, Tony had turned his head to the other side and back again, dragging his hair into even messier angles. He clutched at the pillow and then reached back instead, spreading himself open. Loki stared for a moment before remembering to move. He slid one slicked finger between the ass cheeks presented to him, winning a needy whine from the back of Tony’s throat. His fingertip slipped in somewhat easily. Tony arched back towards him, engulfing him in a tight, hot heat. 

Loki ran his hand over the curve of Tony’s ass, ghosting his nails back up over Tony’s hipbone and lower back, marveling at how those soft hairs stood on end as the other finger worked in slow circles, teasing Tony open. Tony was tighter than usual, and restlessly moving his head again. “Relax,” Loki said. 

“I know,” Tony said, not unkindly. He propped his chin against the pillow instead, letting out a shaky breath. “It’s hard.” He complained. Loki massaged his hand against Tony’s hip in reply. Loki worked his fingers slowly, taking his time. Usually doing this meant nothing. Neither of them particularly cared for it. But this morning he didn’t want to rush. Rushing it felt wrong, like it was sacrilege to whatever this happening was. He watched Tony’s back rise and fall in short, hurried breaths. The clenched heat of him slowly slipped away, taking more until Tony was arching back into him, groaning every time that Loki hit a sweet spot. He sucked in a deep breath, and Loki could tell that he was about to demand more. 

Tony turned back over his shoulder, propping himself up on his elbows and meeting Loki’s eyes. It was a loaded stare, Tony seeking something that Loki couldn’t name but was certain that he could give. Loki’s hand slipped free. Tony rolled onto his back. He reached forward and grabbed Loki’s wrist, gently pulling Loki towards him. 

Tony broke eye contact, staring down at the sheets instead. His face had flushed dark red. The sunlight peeking in from the bedroom window fell in a line across his face, highlighting the waves in his hair and the stubble along his cheek. Across his scarred chest he was a light pink, trailing down to the tangle of short curls above his eager, flushed cock. The thumb still holding Loki’s wrist brushed across his veins. “I want you to fuck me like this,” Tony mumbled. 

Loki reached up past him and grabbed a pillow. He urged it under Tony’s lower back, the engineer distractedly complying after a moment, when he realized that he needed to do so. Tony grabbed the back of Loki’s neck, pulling him in closer, trying to hook his ankles over Loki’s shoulders as he stole a mouthy kiss. It was needy and raw, and familiar. Without hesitating, Loki pressed the head of his cock against Tony’s entrance, sinking in with a gasp as Tony’s body eagerly brought him into the slick heat. He groaned, sinking in slowly. Tony bucked back towards him, dragging his fingernails along Loki’s skin. Tony clenched tight, throwing Loki on the edge between bliss and pain. 

“God,” Tony muttered, his eyes shut tight. He pressed a feverish kiss to Loki. “Fuck,” Tony groaned, lips claiming any skin they could get in short, hard, almost bites. Loki pulled out slowly, starting to feel lighter in his head as sensations claimed him. He thrust back in. He rolled his hips, awareness swimming with the searing heat squeezing his hard, thick cock. 

Tony arched back against the bed, the mattress springs groaning as he did. His mouth was slack open as he pulled in a breath. Loki began to fuck him in earnest, riding a wave of lust like they'd done every time before. Tony didn’t filter a single sound as it poured from his open lips. It made Loki’s head spin. Tony took him deep, his legs urging Loki on with each hard thrust. 

“Loki,” Tony gasped. Loki’s hazy eyes flickered open. That had sounded different. Urgent.

Tony’s face was just inches from him, his warm, firm body pulling him in with everything it had. His rich brown eyes were soft, in that soulful way he only had when his guard was down. Loki felt something shift in his chest. He rolled his hips slowly suddenly, and with each overwhelming inch that Tony took, it felt different. 

This was Tony that he was buried in, not anyone else. This was Tony, who listened to his bullshit and didn’t care if he had stars attached to his name. He rolled his hips again, afraid to stop and incapable of breaking what he’d already started. This was Tony, who he’d curled up in bed with after he’d found him on the bathroom floor alone. Tony shuddered, holding his gaze. He leaned up and kissed the side of Loki’s face. This was Tony, Loki thought, overwhelmed by the urge to run his tongue along those teeth. Tony moaned as Loki’s tongue slipped in, following that impulse. It was hard to think past the steady rhythm of his hips, the moans and whimpers he was swallowing. 

He felt as if he’d been torn open, utterly exposed. Like Tony could break him in that moment if he wanted to, but instead Tony was clumsily working his tongue in Loki’s mouth, too fucked out to have precision anymore. 

“Lokes,” Tony mumbled, dropping back. He waited until Loki’s eyes were on him. With one upward thrust, Tony came between them, hot come splattering against Loki’s chest and his as Tony’s lips parted, his head dropping instinctively back. He tried to keep his eyes on Loki but lost in the final moment, a loud groan sinking out of his lungs. Tony had never looked more human, or stunning. Loki leaned down and kissed the side of Tony’s face, rolling his hips once more before he lost it. 

He floated back down to reality slowly, breathing hard. The moment he moved to pull out, Tony was pinning his lithe body to the mattress, nipping and sucking kisses up and down his chest and neck. Tony licked Loki’s chest clean, a few feral sounds escaping his throat. Loki’s hand dropped against Tony’s back, still catching his breath as Tony tucked his chin into the crook of Loki’s neck. “Fuck, Loki,” Tony said. He sucked hard at Loki’s neck. “I want you again.” 

Loki grinned, breathing out a laugh. “You may have to wait a bit.” He sighed, starting to sit up. Tony barely gave him a moment to get rid of the condom before crawling over him again. 

Tony laid his head on Loki’s shoulder. His hand came up to rest on Loki’s chest. As the quiet slipped in, Loki started getting that sense again. It wasn’t just creeping in. It was overpowering. 

He’d never fucked anyone like that before, and Tony, Tony seemed to be sensing it too. Been on the same page, at least. 

Tony’s fingertips brushed against his skin, playing at his collarbone. 

They’d never done this either. 

Never. 

Loki turned his head away, staring at Tony’s shirt that had dropped to the floor. Sprinkles had found their way to the carpet too. 

He felt Tony’s heart against his chest. It was starting to beat faster, instead of settling down like Loki’s. Tony kept tracing his fingertips along Loki’s collarbone. “Loki,” Tony said. He hummed in reply. Tony’s chest shook as he pulled in and pushed out a heavy breath. “I’m glad you stayed last night.” He tilted his hips then stopped, as if he’d been about to move onto his side and then realized he couldn’t without rolling off Loki. “This is way better than answering emails at work,” he said, as if he’d just been leading up to a joke. He was pretending to have his usual charm, and Loki wasn’t fooled. Tony needed him to say something. 

His fingers found their way into Tony’s hair, nails scratching along his scalp. How could he say anything without it sounding dumb? 

He pushed some of Tony’s locks to the side. 

“I’ll stay today if you want,” Loki said. “We can do something when you get home from work.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “That’d be good.” 

Tony’s heart started to race even faster. He had to have something that he wanted to say. Loki tried to move so that he could see Tony’s face, but Tony wormed his way into Loki’s neck instead. As soon as Loki stopped moving, he turned it to the side and rested it on Loki’s shoulder again. 

They fell back into silence. Tony’s heart rate slowly fell. He stopped playing with Loki’s collarbone and let his hand rest on Loki’s pecs instead. 

“Thanks for yesterday,” Loki said quietly. Anymore and it’d be fucking sappy, but he wanted to say it, so he let himself. 

He felt the stubble on Tony’s cheek twitch against his skin. “No problem,” Tony said. He was silent for a moment. Then, so quietly that Loki almost missed it he said, “thanks for talking to me about it.” 

“Now you know my fucked up secrets,” Loki muttered lightly.

“It’s nice to know you’re human too,” Tony said, yawning at the end. 

Loki’s eyes drifted towards the ceiling. He stared at the section shadowed from the morning light. He didn’t know what to think of that. Tony didn’t elaborate. They fell back into silence. 

For a long time, they did nothing. Loki’s hands found their way to Tony’s back, and one of Tony’s hands stayed holding Loki’s bicep while the other rested against his shoulder. It was comfortable. 

It was only when Tony’s cellphone started to ring that spell broke. Tony ignored the first ring, then grumbled and got up for the second. Tony leaned down to get the phone off the floor. “Yeah?” He sat back, rubbing his face. “That’s why I told them not to do that.” Tony took a deep breath as someone spoke a mile a minute on the phone. “I’m going to be there in an hour, can’t it wait until then?” The irritation in his voice rose steadily with each sentence. “Fine. Tell them to hold off on doing anything until I get there. I’ll be there in thirty minutes, keep your pants on. Yes. Fine. Bye.” Tony closed his eyes in annoyance and then let it go. He glanced over at Loki. “Someone needs me to hold their hand in the programming department. I’m going to shower and go.” 

Loki nodded his head. He didn’t want Tony to leave. He wanted to throw a tantrum like a child, and hated that he’d even had that thought. “I’ll be here when you get back,” he said. 

Tony smiled. “The DVD remote’s by the TV downstairs and my swim trunks are in the top drawer if you want to use the pool.” 

“I need swim trunks to use your pool?” 

“No,” Tony grinned. “But the maids might not appreciate the show.” Tony stood up. He stretched his arms, then turned to walk to the shower. Loki heard the water start down the hall, and listened until it shut off. A few minutes later, Tony came back into the room and dressed. “See you tonight,” Tony said before walking out the door. He looked stressed. 

“Bye,” Loki answered. Tony’s footsteps disappeared down the hall. 

He rested a hand on his stomach and stared up at the ceiling for a long time afterward, thinking.


	17. Chapter 17

He could make something for Tony and himself, there was certainly enough stuff in the kitchen to do it. And there were some new things too, like generic sets of spice jars that he didn’t remember being there. But he was always cooking for Tony, wasn’t he? Maybe he should just hold off a few more minutes and see what Tony wanted when he got off work. It wasn’t like Loki was Tony’s personal chef or something, and maybe cooking too often made it seem like he owed Tony. Loki tossed the cabinet shut. It caught itself, shutting gently with its self-closing hinge. Loki gave the unnecessary feature a dull, derisive stare. He’d been having this debate for several minutes now, restlessly walking around Tony’s kitchen, opening and closing things. He _wanted_ to cook though, so maybe he should just do that. He started towards the refrigerator for the third time. 

A crescendo of music erupted from his back pocket. 

Loki reached back and flipped it on without looking at the I.D. “Yes?” 

“Why aren’t you answering your door?” 

Loki rolled his eyes and leaned back against the kitchen counter. “I’m not there,” he said. Wasn’t it obvious?

“Your car’s here,” Thor said. It was the start of him proving the case, Loki just knew it. “Answer the door, we need to talk.” 

“I’m not there,” Loki repeated. He crossed his free arm over his stomach, wedging his hand in under the arm that held the phone. “I’m…at Tony’s.” 

“Oh.” Thor paused. “I’m not driving all the way over to Tony’s,” he said, almost thinking aloud. He let out a sigh. “How’s the job hunt coming?” 

“Splendidly.” 

“Loki,” Thor reprimanded him. “Are you even looking? You have to put some effort forth, you can’t just sit around all day. How many times do we have to have this conversation?” 

“Once again, apparently.” Loki walked around the counter, carelessly tugging out the barstool and sitting down with a snide, dismissive air despite the fact that Thor couldn’t see him. His brother’s response was immediate. 

“You are at the end of their tolerance, Loki. And frankly, I see their point as well. Have you made any effort?” Thor asked it as if it was rhetorical, letting it hang in the air for effect. Loki seethed, snubbing his nose at his brother’s practiced rhetoric while it affected him all the same. “Just do it. I see no reason why you can’t. You’re not a child anymore. You can’t just depend on Mummy and Daddy like a spoiled brat—”

“I know,” Loki snapped, cutting him off. “I know I need to grow up and get a job, thanks _dad_.” Thor stopped, leaving the line quiet. “Was that the only reason you were coming over?” 

“No,” Thor said. He sounded a little strained as he answered, a bit uncertain. “Yesterday, Mother saw you with Tony, didn’t she?” 

“Yes,” Loki answered, dread pooling in his stomach. He crossed his legs and jostled his crossed arm as he pressed the phone harder to his ear. 

Thor spoke without urgency. “Have you told her that you’re dating him?” 

“No,” Loki said. 

“I thought not,” Thor started. 

“Don’t you dare tell them,” Loki hissed.

Thor’s reply was sunny in comparison. “I won’t tell them.” Loki thought it sounded a bit smug, suddenly. Thor continued. “You should know though,” Thor said, turning serious. “That Mother is thrilled. She thinks you’ve networked with Tony Stark. She’s convinced that he’s getting you a job at his company. You’d better be careful, Loki,” Thor said, somewhat protectively. 

“I am, that’s why I’m not telling them,” Loki said, answering immediately to make a point. Then it hit him who Thor was being protective of. “I’m not using him, Thor—”

“Loki.” 

“What?” Loki snapped. 

“See her and make it very clear that’s not the case before she gets carried away.” 

Make it clear that Tony and he had little interaction, that he wasn’t going to benefit from knowing Tony. As if that’s what he wanted to do. He wanted to fucking tell her that Tony mattered to him, not hide it like it was something he wasn’t allowed to have. But he couldn’t fucking tell her, because of the way she and Father would react, and the pressure it would place on Tony, and the things they would say—Tony didn’t deserve that and none of his family fucking got it. Not even Thor, and he should’ve understood the most. He had no business saying that. “Why do you care?” Loki challenged him, feeling as if he was abruptly upset, rather than reasonable. 

“Because you’re my brother, and Tony is my friend.” He heard the radio playing in the background. Thor must’ve gotten back into his car. “Things are about to get a lot more complicated,” he said. 

Loki knew that tone of voice. Some of the anger slipped out of him as he recognized that something had to be wrong. “And,” Thor said. “You need to get it together soon, Loki.” Loki began to chew on the inside of his cheek. “You’re running out of time. I know you’re having fun with Tony right now, and so is he.” Thor spoke carefully, taking his time, but confident when he spoke. “But Mum and Dad think you’re networking for a job, not screwing around. And they won’t take it quite so well as—”

“We’re not screwing around,” Loki corrected him, inexplicably annoyed by the statement. 

Thor waited for a moment to make sure that Loki was finished speaking, and then just continued. “They might have handled it differently before, but in a couple of months that’s going to change. Maybe sooner.” 

Loki leaned forward. “Why?” He asked, unsettled. 

Thor pulled in a breath and then sighed. “I was going to tell you in person, but you might as well know now.” Then all Loki heard was the radio playing. The garage door to the house was also coming open, but it didn’t register. 

“What?” Loki asked. 

He could hear Thor take in a long breath. “I’m going to tell them that Jane and I are getting married.” 

“Oh,” Loki said. He’d thought it was something grim by the way that Thor had spoken. “I’m sure they’ve been expecting it,” he said, comforting in his tone. “It won’t take them by surprise,” he reasoned. “It’ll take Father longer to get used to it, but Mum is somewhat fond of her.” Thor didn't say anything. Loki heard the jingle of keys and looked up to see Tony walk into the kitchen. He nodded his head as Tony raised his eyebrows in a hello. There was a large brown paper grocery bag in his arms. “It’ll be fine,” Loki reassured Thor. “I’m sure they’ve been preparing themselves for that eventuality for a long time.” He paused. “When was the last time they suggested that you date anyone else?” He asked, as if that proved it. 

“They won’t be pleased,” Thor said.

“Father got over my tattoos,” Loki said, trying to lighten Thor’s tone. It was easy to make his brother laugh, when he wanted to. 

Thor almost, almost sounded as if he would laugh. “We both know he hasn’t,” Thor said instead. “And this isn’t the same.” 

Tony set the grocery bag down and began pulling things out to put away. Loki watched him pace back between the counter and the fridge. “It won’t be a surprise, Thor,” Loki said, starting to sound mildly pedantic. 

“No,” Thor said. “Jane’s pregnant.” 

Time stopped for a split second. Loki blinked slowly. Thor started talking in the lull, tense and serious, but clearly wanting to share. “She’s already told her family. They’re ecstatic. Jane doesn't want to make a production out of the wedding. She’d be happy to sign a license at the courthouse, but I’ve always thought about seeing her walk down the aisle in that dress—” Thor cleared his throat. “She realized early on. We probably have two months until she starts to show, maybe longer,” Thor said, trying to stick to the point. 

Loki didn’t know what to say. “How?” He started, not entirely sure what he was asking. 

“Birth control pills don't have a perfect accuracy rate,” Thor explained.

“No, I mean—how are you?” Loki decided. Thor’s head had to be spinning—he’d been head over heels for Jane since they’d met, for reasons Loki couldn’t quite understand. Thor had wanted to marry her for years. Thor had also been the shining star in his parents’ eyes forever. This was the first time he’d done something that would displease them in any serious capacity. 

Tony knocked something over in the fridge and picked it up. Thor answered insincerely. “Fine.” Loki closed his eyes, rubbing at his forehead. “Looking forward to it,” he said. 

“Congratulations,” Loki said, the word a mumble of happiness, sympathy, and dread. 

“Thank you,” Thor said. Loki bit his lip. He hated the fucking pleasantries. They felt fake even when they weren’t. It was something to be congratulated, but everything that would come of it with the drama…

“You should’ve come over,” Loki said. “You needed to tell me this in person.” His brother was a fucking idiot. He needed Loki to talk to him and help him figure things out. It would’ve been better if he’d been there. 

Loki heard Thor’s car door slam shut. “I’ve got to go,” Thor said. “Talk to you later.” 

“Bye,” Loki said as the phone line went dead. He looked up. Tony was standing across the counter with a glass of water in his hand. His soft brown eyes were set on Loki expectantly. Loki didn’t understand why, but suddenly he wanted to cry. He swallowed and shoved it down. He had no reason to. 

“What was that about?” Tony asked, obviously picking up on something being amiss, even if his tone was light. 

“Jane’s pregnant,” Loki said flatly. 

“Oh,” Tony said, eyes widening. He scratched at his beard, trying to hide some of the surprise. 

“This is bad,” Loki said. He combed his fingers back through his hair. 

“Like bad-bad, or…” Tony asked, waving his hand around. 

Loki’s shoulders hunched forward as he uncrossed his arms and legs, leaning in towards the counter. “Like my parents will be furious. Mortified. Their friends will judge them.” Loki released a hard sigh. “They’ll smile in public, of course. It’ll only be difficult at home.” He set his phone on the counter, picking at the case. “That’s why it’s bad. It’s fucking archaic.” 

Tony smiled, though he looked unsure. Loki realized that he needed to elaborate. “Thor’s wanted to marry Jane for a long time,” Loki said. “But she doesn’t fit the image of what our parents want, and instead of telling them to fuck off, Thor meets them halfway by promising Jane someday and allowing them the delusion that things will change. They know, of course. They’re not stupid.” Loki sighed. “He should’ve married her years ago, when they were younger. He wanted to.” He propped his chin on his palm and glanced at Tony. 

Tony’s interest hadn’t wandered off to something else, but was firm and contemplative. 

“I mean, they don’t have to get married,” Loki said. He slid his fingertips over his lips, thinking. “But for Thor, it’s two blessings. Our parents won’t deny him the wedding if she’s pregnant, and they’re having a child.” 

“God,” Tony said, thinking. He looked at a point in the kitchen beyond Loki, his brow furrowing. “Thor’s wanted that for a long time.” 

It was easy to forget that Tony and Thor were already friends. Loki’s gaze dropped to the countertop. “Fuck, I’m happy for him,” Tony said. “Shit, we need to throw a huge fucking party for him. Something that’ll take the edge off not getting the parental seal of approval.” He paced back and forth at the counter, sloshing some of the water from his glass onto the floor before realizing that he needed to set it down. “Wow,” Tony said. 

“What?” Loki asked. 

Tony ducked down to the floor with a napkin to wipe up the spilled water. When he stood back up, he tossed the napkin in the trash. “I just never thought it would happen after your dad told Jane that thing about how she didn’t belong with your family anymore than a goat belonged sitting at their dinner table.” Loki blinked. “I mean, Jane talked about splitting after that, you know? Wasn’t sure if she could keep investing her time into Thor if she was going to spend a life with in-laws that hated her. I got her point. Thor didn’t think she’d ever say yes after that. It’s crazy that it’s working out now, that’s all.” Tony glanced at Loki suddenly. “Not that that’s what I think about us,” Tony said quickly, appeasingly. “Sorry, shit, I didn’t mean it like that.” 

Loki shook his head. “No,” Loki said. “I just didn’t know that had happened.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said softly. “Shit. I thought you knew.” He pressed his lips together. “I’m going to go get something to pry my foot out of my mouth,” he said. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Loki said. “My family’s fucked up. I know that.” 

Tony shook his head. “If my dad was around, he’d say a lot worse,” Tony said. “And if it makes you feel any better, I think he’d hate you.” 

“It doesn’t,” Loki said. 

Tony shrugged his lips to the side, dimming a bit. He dropped his hands to the counter and hooked his thumbs underneath as if he was going to pull back at the slab. “Sorry Lokes,” he said softly. “I had a shit day at work, and now my mouth is getting me into trouble.” Loki leaned back in the barstool as he watched Tony, marveling at how _Lokes_ was being said again. Loki had written it off as a sex-high side effect. “You’re going to be an uncle. That’s huge.” 

Loki hadn’t gotten that far in thinking yet. His head drooped as he stared down at his hands, trying to process that. “Yeah,” he said. Thor as a kid’s dad. The thought almost made him jealous, but he swelled with adoration at the same time. That was going to be a lucky kid.

“What happened at work?” Loki asked, picking at one of his nails. 

“Some fucking programmer rewrote half the code on a product we’re launching, and did it wrong. The asshat’s fresh out of school, thinks he knows better than everyone else.” Tony huffed out a sigh. “I spent so much time fixing his shit today that I’m going to have to spend half of the night in the lab to get everything caught up. We can’t fall behind. Our competitor’s trying to release a similar product. We need to be first.” Tony set his elbows on the counter and leaned over it. “I was thinking we could have dinner together first, if you want.” Tony frowned, brushing away an invisible speck of something on the counter. “You can stick around, but I might be in the lab until two in the morning, and I’ll be leaving early in the morning. I figured I’d drive you home after dinner, unless you want to have my driver take you home tomorrow.” Loki’s nose wrinkled. “Didn’t think so,” Tony said, grinning a bit. 

“Alright,” Loki said. His eyes drifted over to Tony. “I wouldn’t be opposed to fucking instead.” 

Tony chuckled. “Neither would I, but if I get in bed with you I’m never going to get out,” Tony said. The smile faded from his face. “And I have a shit ton of work to do.” 

Loki rubbed his face. “What do you want for dinner?” 

Tony leaned off the counter. “Whatever you want, babe.” 

Loki rolled his eyes at the term as he stood up. “Grab a cutting board,” he told Tony. “I’m not going to let you stand around like some freeloader.” Tony laughed. 

“I don’t know shit about cutting vegetables,” Tony said, throwing open a cabinet and pulling out a cutting board. 

“Then you’re more honest than half of the prep cooks I had,” Loki said. He walked behind Tony and pulled the refrigerator door open.   
 “This is the first time that you’re letting me anywhere near the kitchen,” Tony said. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” He was kidding, but there was a hint of anxiety in it too. Loki raised an eyebrow, smirking. 

“Should I be concerned?” He took a slow step by Tony, letting the leaves of the celery stalks he was carrying graze Tony’s back. “Mr. MIT can’t cut in a straight line?” Loki grabbed a knife and set it on the cutting board. He set the celery beside it and leaned his back against the countertop, smirking at Tony. 

Tony grinned back. “Fine,” he said. “I’d hate to be a freeloader in my own kitchen.” Loki grinned. “But when I set it on fire…” 

“It’s stir fry,” Loki said. “I’ll be severely surprised if you manage to set the stove aflame all the way from the cutting board.” 

Tony smiled at him, his eyes flickering down to Loki’s chest for a moment. “We need some music in here,” Tony decided, walking over to the stereo. Rock music filled the kitchen. Not too loud, just right, as Loki demonstrated what to do with a simple chopping motion. It was perfect and rhythmic. Tony failed abysmally in comparison, but Loki just told him to keep going and set a pepper down next to him. 

By the time they had finished cooking and eating, Tony had told Loki every last detail about the shit that had gone down at work. Loki didn’t want to talk about Thor or Jane, and Tony didn’t push. The drive home was comfortable, though Loki spent all of it wishing that Tony would blow of his work responsibilities and just stay. More than once Tony’s hand wandered over and settled on his thigh while Tony’s voice carried on about one thing or another. 

When they pulled up outside of Loki’s apartment, Tony set the car in park and leaned back in his seat. He left the engine running. Loki took off his seatbelt. He stared at the dashboard for a moment before turning his head towards Tony. “Do you want to come in for a bit?” 

Tony squeezed the steering wheel, taking one long, slow breath. He let go and rubbed at his nose before glancing over at Loki. “I think if I did that,” he said, “I’d never leave.” 

Loki’s hand slipped towards the door handle but he didn’t glance away. “That wouldn’t be a bad thing,” he said. 

Tony smiled. Then he squeezed his eyes shut for a second before gripping the wheel again. “No,” he said, voice confident and light again. “Let me think about that ass of yours while I’m working. It’ll motivate me to get done faster.” 

Loki smiled to the side, taking in a breath. He answered just as lightly. “The next time I see you, I expect you to worship that ass of mine.” 

“Deal,” Tony said. 

Loki popped the door open but didn’t move from the seat. “See you next time, Tony.” 

“Bye Lokes,” Tony said, voice slipping into something slightly sorry. Loki smiled back at him, slow and closed lipped, as he slid out of the car. Loki shut the door and stepped back. He walked up to the sidewalk and saw Tony wave his fingers at him from the wheel before backing out the car and somewhat showily turning out of the parking lot and onto the road. Loki went up to his apartment and laid down on the couch. 

He pulled his laptop off the coffee table and flipped it open.

He needed to figure things out.


	18. Chapter 18

Loki grinned at the strawberry lipped woman as she asked another question. For a full ten seconds, his mind entertained the fantasy of how fun and easy it would be to bring her back to his place. The dream fizzled out, dull and tasteless. “Can you work weekends?” She asked, not particularly subtle as her eyes checked him out from over the top of the clipboard she was reading from. She was in her mid or late thirties and the owner. 

Months ago, the attraction would’ve been appealing. In a trivial way. Now it was just something he’d work to his advantage. “Yes,” he said. 

Her pen scratched against the paper. “You know, we’re not really looking for full-time.” 

Loki smiled to the side, setting her with his most charming gaze. She leaned the clipboard against her hip. She was sharp enough, and seemed rather matter of fact in her thinking. “Surely you can make an exception?” Her mouth twitched at the question. 

“No,” she said. “What’ll happen is that you’ll get twenty-eight or twenty-nine hours. We don’t pay health insurance, vacation, or sick leave.” She ran her thumb over the metal clip on the board. “It’s too expensive.” 

He hadn’t expected much. This was simply a matter of convenience. 

“But I’ll try and work the schedule so that you can make it to another job if you need to. We try and work with everyone.” Her eyes flickered down to the clipboard again. “Are you sure you can’t cook?” 

“Positive,” Loki replied, leaning against the counter. Behind them, someone dropped a bus tub back in the kitchen with a loud thud. 

Kitchen was a kind way of putting it. There was nothing but a couple of sinks, a countertop, an oven, and a few old refrigerators. Cooking here would consist of sticking something from the freezer into a microwave. The menu didn’t stretch past a few muffins. 

“Oh. Well if you change your mind, we could use help in the back too. We need someone to mix batter in the morning. We bake our own muffins,” she said proudly. He bit back a condescending smile. 

“Just the front of house,” he said.

She glanced down at the clipboard and thought for a moment. “Well, would you like to start next week?”

“That’d be lovely,” he answered, clinically noting the way she grinned in response. It’d be easy to have her wrapped around his finger. 

“Great,” she said. “Why don’t you come on back and I’ll show you around? We can start your paperwork today and I’ll put you on the schedule.” He nodded and followed her back to the lackluster coffeeshop kitchen, where she showed him where the aprons and spare creamers were kept with a considerable deal of pride. 

It was only a few blocks from his apartment, and a reasonable walk. His internet job search had been hopeless, and he'd spotted this by chance. There’d been a sign out front, and he’d walked in with his jeans and a t-shirt, knowing that they were desperate from the moment he stepped inside. Tables were messy, coffee mugs piled up like towers from the bins, and one ruddy faced girl was trying to run back and forth between the tables and the register. She looked to be in high school. 

The owner had given him his schedule before sending him on his way. He casually mentioned that his boyfriend had to be waiting on him. Just to watch her expression. She paused, then asked something friendly but disinterested about where his boyfriend worked. Loki said it was a tech company and left it at that. 

He knew the game. She’d settle for having eye candy around the place, but she also knew he was competent. It didn’t seem as if she was the kind of person to let him get away with not working. But being generously flexible with the schedule and letting him off a few minutes early here and there? That seemed like a solid possibility.

The job wasn’t a solution, but it was a delay. One that he desperately needed. Thor needed.

And he could make it sound like he was playing the role of a chef so long as he chose his words carefully. Which he always did. 

And at least it would pay off some bills and provide groceries, even if rent wasn’t going to be a possibility. He was trying to figure things out. He just needed time. And the fridge was empty and he didn’t want Tony to notice. 

Whenever Tony got his ass around to coming over. 

Loki brushed his fingertips over the phone in his pocket. Tony was _in lab_. He’d been in lab for days. They hadn’t talked since the night that Tony had driven him home. 

He had a long gait as he walked down the sidewalk. The traffic was getting heavier. It had to be close to rush hour. As Loki rounded the block, he pulled out his phone and dialed. He stared at the parking lot of his apartment in the far distance as he listened to the ringing. “Hello?” 

“What’s been going on?” Loki asked. 

There was a frustrated sigh on the line. “I don’t have time for this right now.” 

“That answers that question,” Loki said. “When are you going to tell them?” 

“Soon.” 

“Thor,” Loki said. 

“Loki, I don’t need this from you right now. Jane’s bad enough.” 

“Why?” Loki asked. Now this was interesting. Not that Thor would tell him. He never opened up about Jane. Not directly. 

There were several more breathy, frustrated sighs and the sound of papers shuffling around a desk before Thor answered. “Look, I just need to tell them at the right time. And there’s a massive case going on right now, it’s going to be on the news, I need to win it first. I’ll tell Father when he’s pleased.” 

“And if you lose?” 

Loki could picture Thor’s face perfectly. “If I lose,” Thor repeated, as if the concept alone was disgusting. 

Loki took a deep breath as he stepped over some garbage, carefully avoiding a dead rat. Thor certainly enjoyed being victorious. The court room was his own personal colosseum. 

It was that sort of attitude that got him into trouble. 

“Or you could tell them right before you win the case,” Loki said. “That way there’s something to cushion the impact.” Thor was silent, considering it. “Or,” Loki said, ready to suggest his ever favorite piece of advice, “you could just tell them to fuck off.” 

“It’s that attitude that gets you into trouble,” Thor said loudly. “Have you gotten a job yet because—”

“Yes, as a matter of fact. I’m walking home from the interview now.” 

“Ha-ha,” Thor answered. 

“Oh, look at you. You’ve added sarcasm to your rhetoric. Does that play over well in court?” 

Pavement grit crunched under Loki’s feet. “What is it?” Thor asked hesitantly, openly suspicious. 

“Excellent question,” Loki said. 

“What is it?” Thor asked again, when Loki didn’t immediately volunteer it. 

“I will be working at a cafe that specializes in baked goods.” 

“Hmm,” Thor said, sounding bored. “I don’t remember you being fond of baking.” There were more shuffling papers. “I need to get back to work. Stay out of trouble.” 

“Me? Trouble? When have I ever—” There was a muffled whisper from Thor’s end, then Thor said a curt goodbye. He hung up before Loki could reply. 

Loki glanced down at the ground. He kicked at a loose pebble, sending it flying into a trashcan. Satisfied, he resumed the walk back to his apartment. 

When he got to the parking lot, he stopped and stood beside his car. 

It would be best to get this all over at once.

* * *

Loki punched in the code to the gate, then watched as the gaudy golden thing pulled back on its automatic hinges. He pulled up front and parked. His father’s car wasn’t there. If he didn’t linger, he’d be gone long before his father came home.

He walked up the manicured lawn to the front door. The housekeeper answered. He was offered tea and to wait in the drawing room. “I’ll manage,” he said, smiling somewhat apologetically before sneaking up the stairs instead. 

It was dead silent. All of the doors in the hall were shut. He wandered past the framed family portraits and ornate artwork, each step woven into his memory, unforgettable. He knew every corner of the house. Better than his parents, even. It’d aided him on more than one escape sneaking in or out. 

But today he went for a room in the middle of the hall. He pushed the door open. There was no protest from the hinges. 

His room looked the same as he’d left it, aside from the thin coating of dust. The sheets were crisply folded too. He’d never done that for himself. Loki left the door open and sat down on the corner of his bed. 

The sheets seemed stale, with an odd detergent smell coming from them, as if they’d been left perfectly made on the bed for years. That couldn’t be the case, though. The housekeeper probably just skipped doing the sheets occasionally. No one was using them anyway. He tugged open the bedside drawer. 

There was an old yoyo, some postcards from his parents on their trips, and a few pens. He shoved it shut. 

He got up and went to the closet. 

He knelt down and felt for the loose section of carpet. When his finger snagged the edge, he pulled it back. There, hidden beneath, was an old playboy magazine that a school friend had given him. He pulled the carpet back further, hoping for old bills or a few loose coins. There was nothing. Releasing the carpet, he stood up. He walked over to his dresser. His certificates for being on the dean’s list were still proudly propped up. 

He opened a drawer and shoved them in. 

Useless. 

He dusted his hands off on his jeans. “Loki,” his mother said, sounding pleasantly surprised. “You should’ve told me you were dropping by.” She walked into the room without any sense of trespassing. Only Loki noticed, as if the room was still his. “Is something wrong?” 

“No,” Loki said. He turned around, his back to the dresser. He braced his hands against it. 

She glanced at the bed, considering it, then sat down. 

“I was just going to get my yearbook.” He glanced at the bookshelf, making sure there was one there to lie about. “I’ve been talking to a few college classmates and it reminded me.” She turned and looked at the bookshelf. 

“Who’ve you been talking to?” She asked curiously. There was one yearbook from his university in France, and one from middle school. The second was a safer choice. 

Loki walked over and took it. He flipped the pages open, selecting a name at random. “Just some old classmates. Wyatt Wingfoot was in my class, apparently. He’s on a comedy competition on TV. I didn’t believe it.” That seemed reasonable enough to explain his curiosity, and he knew that his mother wouldn’t look it up. 

He went back to his position at the dresser, setting the book behind him. “Have you seen Tony?” She asked. Her tone was neutral, he’d give her that acting award, but the speed was something else. He’d been counting on it, though. 

Loki shook his head. “We’re not really—”

Now that the moment was here, it wasn’t a game. It wasn’t like he’d planned. It really fucking hurt. 

He pictured Tony, face vulnerable and wounded. It wasn’t a fucking game. “Friends,” he finished lightly. “Tony’s a charmer. I think at lunch he wanted to make an impression on you. I don't ever see him.” 

He read the disappointment strike her features, though her face was slow to react. “Thor said you met him at a party at Thor’s place?” 

“That was months ago,” Loki said. There was still a flicker of hope in her eye. He’d better do this right. “Besides, I’m not Tony’s style.” Loki crossed his arms and leaned back. “And I don’t like playboy millionaires that try to suck up to everyone they meet.” That did it. His mother crossed her arms, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Have you given any more thought to what I said?” 

“The shrink? No. I’m happy being a fuck up on my own.” 

“Loki.” 

“I have to get to work,” Loki said, grabbing the book. “I was just dropping by. I’m going to be late.” He started for the door. 

“Where are you working?” 

Loki answered without turning around. “A bakery.” 

It was quiet for a moment. He didn’t want to watch his mother. He knew how to read people, and he didn’t want to see the gears turn in her head. It was better to hear her sweetly follow up with a bland, “you were good at baking in school. That cake you made me for my birthday was wonderful.” 

Maybe she’d meant that last part. He turned to look back over his shoulder. “I’ve really got to go.” 

She rose off the bed. “How much will you be making?” 

He told her. 

It would be moronic to lie on this. 

She huffed out a hard breath. “Loki,” she said, tone turning sharp. He needed to get the fuck out before his father got home. “That’s not nearly enough.” 

“It’s a start,” Loki said. “It may lead to something.” 

“I suppose,” she said. He put one foot into the hallway. “My clever son. You can do anything you want, Loki. If you try.”

“Right,” he said, ignoring the sick churn in his chest from that. Like he hadn’t fucking tried already. “I’ve got to go.” 

“I’ll follow you out,” she said. He was keen to walk quickly through the hallway to the front door. She didn’t get more than a few questions about what the bakery made from him. He was careful to avoid giving a name. She hugged him goodbye at the door. He hated that it still gave him a sense of relief, despite everything. Pretending to be late, he rushed off. 

Just as he got in the car, the phone began to ring. 

“Are you around?” Tony asked quickly. 

“Yeah,” Loki answered, hurrying to get the car in drive and get the fuck out before his father had the chance to come home. 

“Can you, uh, come over here?” 

He’d have to put more gas in the tank, but he could do it. “Sure.” 

“Great,” Tony said. 

Loki pressed his teeth against his bottom lip. He was trying to think about too many things at once. But there’d been an inflection in Tony’s tone, hadn’t there? “Is everything alright?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Tony said. It sounded strained. “Everyone’s coming over here for movie night tonight.” Why the fuck hadn’t he said something sooner? “I think Thor’s coming, he’s probably going to tell everyone then.” 

Loki took the road that went in the direction of Tony’s. “Okay.” 

“And that’s—” Tony cut himself off. When he spoke again, the anxiety was absent from his voice. “I’m going to order pizza in, what do you want?” 

“Whatever’s fine.” 

“Okay,” Tony said, sounding displeased by that answer. “I’ll see you in what, forty-five minutes?” 

“Closer to twenty,” Loki said. “I went to visit my parents.” He pulled into a gas station. 

“You did?” 

“Yeah.” Loki parked. He slammed the door as he got out. “We can talk about it when I get there.” 

“Okay,” Tony answered. “See you then, babe.” Tony hung up the moment after Loki said goodbye. It irked him. But at least Tony had waited for a goodbye, unlike Thor. As Loki slid his card through the machine, he wondered if he’d sounded dismissive on the phone. Maybe Tony was sensitive to that. He picked up the handle on the gas pump. No, his tone had been fine. He slid it in the car. Fuck. Maybe not. 

The rest of the way to Tony’s, he wound up thinking more about Thor and Jane than Tony. It was only when he pulled up outside of Tony’s house that he started thinking about how Tony hadn’t told him about this until the last minute. There weren’t any other cars parked outside. 

Loki started for the front door when he heard the garage door open. Tony appeared, carrying a small trash bin. He emptied the smaller bin into the trash can before he noticed Loki. “Hey,” Tony called. Loki tucked his keys in his pocket as he walked over. “Last minute cleaning. I kinda let things get away from me the past couple days.” He grinned at Loki, looking a little goofy as he did. “Lab mode,” he explained. 

“Where is everyone?” Loki asked. 

“Who? Steve? Clint? They’re not coming over for a couple more hours.” Tony started for the house. Loki followed him inside. Tony dropped the trash bin beside the washing machine. “I thought we’d hang out before the locusts descend on here.” As they walked into the kitchen, the air smelled like cheese. 

“You didn't tell me it was movie night,” Loki said. He sounded annoyed. He’d tried not to, but he did. 

“I didn’t know it was until a half hour ago,” Tony said. There was a pizza box on the counter. He flipped it open and pulled out a slice. 

“What do you mean?” 

Tony answered with half a mouth full. “Clint called.” 

Loki held back a sigh and pulled out a bar stool instead. He sat down, ignoring the pizza as Tony chewed away. It seemed like the first time that Tony had eaten in a while. “Clint,” Loki said. He ran his fingers through his hair, then propped his head up against his hand as he leaned his elbow on the countertop. “How’s work been?” 

“Awful,” Tony said. He took a huge bite out of his pizza slice. Loki decided to get up and get something to drink as Tony chewed. “I’ve been putting out fires all week. I just got caught up on my own fucking schedule.” Loki took a soda from the fridge and sat back down. “Enough time for movie night, though.” Tony edged the box towards Loki. “What about you? What’ve you been up to this week?” Loki cracked the soda can open. “Why’d you go over to your parents’ place?” 

Loki set his soda down. He rubbed his finger under his nose for a moment. “I took a part-time job at Rise and Grind.” 

Tony’s eyebrows flicked upwards. His eyes widened a moment, but he kept his mouth neutral, his body tight and still. “Isn’t that the coffeeshop near you?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Oh,” Tony said. He frowned his lips to the side, avoiding eye contact. “Why?” Loki glanced up, incredulous. “I mean,” Tony said. “It’s not because you feel pressured…?” 

Loki took a slow breath. Whenever did he not feel pressured? Had he not told Tony as much? “Just,” Tony said. “I thought you were done with that.” 

“I am,” Loki said. “I won’t be cooking. It’s just pouring coffee and cleaning up after lazy assholes until I work something else out.” 

Now that he’d done it and was saying the words out loud, he was regretting it. 

It felt awful. He ignored it. He’d get over it. 

Tony had finished off his slice of pizza and went for another. If Loki had reached out his hand, he probably could’ve felt the thoughts buzzing off Tony. The brunette’s posture was casual, relaxed. Only his face gave him away. “It will make things easier when Thor tells them,” Loki said. 

“Why’d you go over there?” Tony asked, leaning into the counter. Tony was acting indifferent, but Loki knew that wasn’t the case.

Loki finally grabbed a slice of pizza. He held it in his hand, picking at the crust before he answered. “Because my mother needs to know I’m working so that she doesn’t pass out from stress.” 

“She doesn’t seem the type.” 

Loki took a bite. So Tony was smarter than that. “It’ll just make things easier.” 

“You really think they’ll be that much of a dick when they find out they’re getting a grandkid?” 

Loki hadn’t realized that he’d been holding his shoulders so tightly. He let them drop. He took another bite. “No,” he decided. “My father will be an insufferable dick about it, but once that baby pops out he’ll come around.” He ate, his eyes not leaving the plate. “Or at least, I imagine that he will. I like to think that he spent up all of his being an asshole on me.” He took a gulp of his soda. Why hadn’t he taken a beer? “The real problem’s Thor.” 

Tony sat down in the stool next to him. Suddenly, Loki felt like an ass for saying that. “It’s probably just the push he needed,” Tony said. 

Loki scoffed. “You know what he’s doing? He’s waiting to win a fucking case. As if that has any influence on the matter at all.” Loki went to reach for his soda and then abandoned it. “Four years ago he won a huge fucking case for a company that my father’s practically in bed with. If he was going to ask based on cases, there never would’ve been a better time. The case he’s working on now won’t be anything but a blurb on the news. My father won’t care. It’s just some politician that got caught sucking a dick or something.” Loki sneered, twirling his finger in the condensation on the soda can. “He’s loyal. That’s his problem.” 

Tony took in a breath like he was gearing himself up to disagree. But the rant felt good, so Loki continued before Tony got a word in. “He sticks up for Jane, and Jane more than holds her own.” Fuck, why was he talking about this? Why the hell was he talking about this? He was just proving it to Tony that he shouldn’t get involved. That he should get out while he could. Loki thought of the real reason that he went to see his mother and abruptly stopped. 

“They’ll work it out,” Tony said. Loki saw Tony’s hand move out of the corner of his eye, but then the doorbell rang. “Twenty bucks that’s Clint,” Tony said, getting up. 

He was right. 

Clint walked in and immediately made a fuss over the pizza. “I didn’t order it for all of you!” Tony exclaimed. 

“Your mistake,” Clint said. 

“You’re early,” Tony complained. 

“I was going to help you set up,” Clint said. 

“I run the largest tech company in the country. What could you possibly help me set up?” Tony asked, speaking with his hands. Clint rolled his eyes, taking the seat that Tony had abandoned by Loki. 

“I’m not that early,” Clint said. “I’m like, fifteen minutes early. Tops.” Tony glared at him. “Look at your phone,” Clint said. 

Tony took it from his back pocket. His face fell. “See?” Clint asked. 

“Shit,” Tony said. He stared at Clint and then took the pizza box, ignoring Clint’s hand as he shut the lid. Clint took his piece and began eating as Tony shoved the box in the fridge. “You took my spot.” 

“I don’t see your butt here,” Clint answered. 

“That’s because you’re sitting in it,” Tony said. 

Loki wasn’t in the mood for their friendly banter. He finished off his pizza and got up, going to the sink to wash his hands. Tony’s voice dimmed for a moment before going back at Clint. Now they were arguing about movie choice. “I’m not watching that crap,” Tony said. 

“I’m going to go set it up,” Clint said. 

Tony waited in the doorframe for Loki to leave the sink and come over to them. There was a question on his face when Loki looked at him, concern maybe, but Loki pretended not to notice. They entered the living room. “Put that down!” Tony called over to Clint and then rushed over to the box he’d pulled out from over the television. “Why do you think you need to move that? It’s already hooked up!” 

Loki flopped onto the couch as Tony delicately undid the damage that Clint had done. They began arguing about the movie choice again. 

Then everyone started showing up. 

Loki waited, but Thor didn’t show. He’d texted Steve to say he couldn’t come. Loki sank back into the couch. It felt like ages before Tony and his friends settled down enough to start the movie. Tony wedged in next to him. But as the movie started, he didn’t make a show of holding onto Loki. Only their hips and legs were touching, and that felt like it was only to fit everyone onto the couch. 

Tony made jokes the entire movie. They all did.

Loki only made the snarky, driest ones. He barely spoke. 

When the movie ended, it took him a moment to realize that the credits were rolling. Clint and Steve were already debating on whether it was a good movie or not. Then Tony’s friends sat and hung around talking. Bruce had brought beer. Loki didn't have the energy. 

Tony reached over and squeezed Loki’s knee. He didn’t look at Loki though, or let the touch linger. Instead he got up and showed Steve how to work the remote so that they could all watch some TV show. 

It felt like forever before the small talk ended and Bruce said he needed to go home. Everyone followed after that. It was close to two in the morning. 

Tony yawned as he came back from the front door. Loki rose from the couch, grateful that everyone had left. “You wanna stay?” Tony asked. 

“Yes,” Loki answered, fighting back his own yawn. 

“Good,” Tony said. He turned back around to go in the direction of the stairs. He was a few paces ahead. When Loki got to the bedroom, Tony was already throwing a spare set of pajamas on the bed for him to use. 

“Save those for after,” Loki said, picking them up and placing them on nightstand out of the way. Tony glanced at him. His eyes were filled with hope, eager, almost fragile—but then doubt or uncertainty set right in. Tony tugged his own shirt off. 

“If you can stand to put anything else back on,” Tony said. “I wouldn’t want you to get a heat stroke.” 

A light laugh passed Loki’s lips. He tossed his clothes off and crawled onto the bed. Tony left his boxers on and laid down on the bed. Loki crawled over to him, eager for the distraction. He nipped at Tony’s neck immediately. 

Tony shivered, mouth pulling into a tight, toothy grin as he tipped his head back. His eyebrow twitched. His arm came around Loki’s back as Loki’s tongue wandered along his neck, teasing his pulse. Loki’s fingers began searching for their favorite places. Tony groaned, hips shifting on the bed. “I want your tongue down my throat,” Tony muttered. 

It sounded awkward, not quite Tony, but Loki moved to comply. His lips had barely had the time to press against Tony’s before Tony’s hands pressed at his shoulders. Loki leaned up. “I can’t,” Tony said, face turned to the side. 

“Are you alright?” Loki asked. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, staring at the ceiling. He took a breath. Then he looked up and smiled at Loki. “Just, I’m too tired. I’ve been going nonstop at work.” 

Loki pulled away from him, aware of nothing but the soft sound the sheets made. “I just need some sleep,” Tony said. 

Loki nodded his head. “I could probably use it too,” he said awkwardly. He got off the bed, taking the pajamas with him. “I’m just going to the bathroom.” 

When he got back, Tony was on his side. It seemed as if he was asleep. Loki quietly got into bed and pulled the covers up to his shoulders. He was pissed. He’d wanted the escape, and the release. And he was pissed at Thor, and pissed at his parents, and though he hadn't worked it out yet, himself. He rolled on his side away from Tony and stared at the wall. This was a stupid fucking mess. 

And Tony…he couldn’t think about Tony. Because that was a level of worrying that he couldn’t fucking handle right now. 

He heard Tony roll over. It sounded as if Tony were farther away. And it didn’t seem like he was asleep now. Loki tried to listen, but he really only heard his own breathing. Then his mind started to play back the sounds of Tony’s friends laughing and talking. God that was annoying. He tried pushing it out of his mind only to start thinking about the job he’d roped himself into. 

He wasn’t falling asleep. 

He had to have been in bed for at least thirty minutes now. 

Holding his breath, he leaned up and looked over his shoulder, straining not to rock the bed. 

Tony was asleep. He was lying on his back, his lips cracked open, his forehead finally free of worry lines. His arms were wide open, and one leg was close to falling off the bed. He was wearing pajama bottoms and a sleep shirt that he’d slipped on when Loki was in the bathroom. Loki frowned, quietly lying back down. He wasn’t mad at Tony. Tony was probably mad at him for being a quiet dick all evening. 

He was still thinking about Tony when a slight snore began drifting from Tony. 

Loki rolled onto his side, facing Tony. He watched Tony’s chest rise and fall, thinking about what an idiot he’d be to fuck this up. He’d never be this fortunate again. And cluing Tony into the fucked up workings of his family was only going to cut this time shorter. He had to stop. He had to stop being such a raw mess and get it together. Tony muttered something in his sleep. It was a long while later before Loki finally pushed his thoughts far away enough to follow Tony into sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Loki woke up to a crash. The windows rattled as another roaring roll of thunder bellowed overhead. Loki rolled over, trying to ignore the sound, but it was impossible. He groaned as the heavy rain hit the windows, protesting against getting up. It was too late. He was awake. 

He heard Tony roll over and take a deep breath. Out of the corner of his eye, Tony struggled to sit up. Tony rubbed his hands against his face. A second loud crash struck overhead. 

“What time is it?” Loki grumbled. 

Tony reached over to the nightstand for his phone. “Eight,” he said. 

“It feels like three.” 

Tony tossed his phone back onto the stand, yawning. Loki hadn’t slept worth shit. He hadn’t slept well until the rain began, apparently, and now the thunder was ruining it. He was groggy and tired. Loki sullenly kept his eyes open, staring upward as his black hair laid tangled around his face on the pillow he’d sunk into. 

Tony scratched at his head. The ends of his hair were poking out in different directions. He had bags under his eyes, but he seemed alert. Loki was almost envious. He needed coffee, or ten more hours of sleep. Whichever came first. 

“I don’t remember a thunderstorm on the forecast,” Tony said. He yawned again. Then he turned over and looked at Loki. A slow grin spread across his face. “Good morning.” 

“It’s not really,” Loki said, yawning. 

“I can change that,” Tony said. He moved, pinning his hands on either side of Loki’s face as his sleepy hips hurried to keep up and straddle over Loki. Loki stared up at him, observing. Not reacting. Tony leaned down and kissed the side of his face. 

It was slow, and easy, and Loki had stopped thinking about things after Tony’s tongue started teasing his mouth. Needy, delighted moans were slipping from Tony. Loki was starting to melt into the bed and enjoy himself when Tony abruptly stopped. Tony leaned up, firmly pushing Loki’s shoulders down against the bed. Loki’s hands slid to the small of his back. “Maybe we should have breakfast.” 

Loki’s lips pulled back into an unamused line. “Cereal? Toast?” Tony asked. Loki’s hands left him, but Tony didn’t move. He was still pinning Loki’s shoulders down. 

“If you don’t want to have sex just say so, you’re not fucking obligated,” Loki said, snappish. He hadn’t meant to be, but the way that Tony had him pressed to the bed was pissing him off. 

“No, no, that’s not—” Tony said immediately. Thunder interrupted him. Tony flinched, his entire body jolting as the sound shook the room. Only Tony’s face remained composed, tightly constrained. “I’m just hungry.” 

There was another crack of thunder. Tony shook again. 

“Are you afraid of storms?” Loki asked, curious. 

“No. Thunder stirs up my anxiety sometimes. It’s really fucking uncool, we’re going to pretend it’s not happening,” Tony said. His hands slipped away from Loki’s shoulders. Loki smiled slightly, shrugging it off. He wasn’t going to tease Tony about thunder. Tony’s thumbs circled Loki’s nipples through the shirt. “You’re fucking gorgeous in the morning, you know that?” He leaned down and kissed the side of Loki’s face before leaning right back up again and pinning Loki’s shoulders down. There was an anxious, uncomfortable smile on his face. “No. It’s too much.” 

“Jesus, Tony,” Loki muttered. He used his arms to push himself up. “Can you get off?” 

Tony slid off him, looking more than a little dejected. Another roar of thunder shook the room. Tony’s body jolted, but his face didn’t change. Loki sat up. He wanted to get off the bed and he had a fucking headache. “I don’t know what you want,” Loki said. “Can we just eat breakfast?” He wasn’t hungry, but he didn’t like the look on Tony’s face, and he was too irritable from yesterday and exhausted to be delicate. 

“Can I, can I tell you something?” Tony asked. 

Loki had been moving to get up and sank back down. He rested his back against the headboard. Tony was sitting in the middle of the bed, his legs crossed. Now that Loki was really looking at him, the anxiety was obvious. Tony’s eyes were too bright, too alert and uncertain to be right. Loki wished he’d tried to be less dickish, but felt irked all the same. There was another rumble of thunder, but it was further off now. The rain kept pouring down. Tony’s eyes dropped to the bed. “Tony,” Loki said. He’d expected him to start. “What is it?” 

Tony took a short breath in. “I’m going to tell you something, but I don’t want you to get pissed about it.” 

“Okay,” Loki said, entirely unsure of where this was going. 

Tony rubbed his hands over his kneecaps. “It happened years ago,” Tony said. 

He didn’t rush to follow up. “What did?” Loki asked. His mind flashed to the self help tracks in Tony’s car. Suddenly his stomach was starting to clench. That was a terrible way to start a story. 

“I, uh, slept with Steve. And I thought it would be good. And it wasn’t.” The words dropped flatly, like Tony was confessing to something awful. He glanced over at Loki, scratching a hand against his beard and stubble. Loki wasn’t reacting, just listening. It wasn’t like Loki didn't know. He'd overheard the story from Steve. He wondered where Tony was going with this. “There’s nothing between us now,” Tony said. “You don’t have to worry about it.” 

“I won’t,” Loki said. “I don’t care who you slept with before.” Tony smiled a little, relieved. He nodded his head as he stared down at the bed. “Did something happen with Steve recently?” 

“No,” Tony said. “No, that’s not why I brought it up.” He let out a deep breath. It took him a while to continue. “See, at the time, I really looked up to Steve. He was this great leader, he had everything under control, and he didn’t let me slip my bullshit past him. Most people weren't like that with me.” Tony flexed his hands against his knees. “I hated it, but I also envied it, you know? I was out of control, and Steve seemed so level. And when he wanted to sleep with me…I thought he liked me. It was like maybe if Steve wanted me, I wasn't as much of a drinking, wild partying fuck up as I felt like.” 

“Tony,” Loki said. 

Tony held up his hand. “No, it’s true. I was way worse than now. Really, Loki. You wouldn’t recognize me.” His dark brown eyes disappeared behind a quick blink. “I don't want to talk about that.” He swallowed. “Steve said it was his first time with a guy, and he wanted it to be with me.” Tony made a self deprecating smile. “And me, being young, thought that he wanted it to be with _me_.” He gestured a hand against his chest. Loki really didn’t know where this story was going now, and trying to fit it into what had happened between himself and Tony didn’t feel good. He tried not to. He knew he wanted to get back at Steve for putting that look on Tony’s face, though. “I was dumb. I should’ve known Steve wanted to sleep with playboy me, not me-me.” 

“His loss,” Loki said. 

Tony didn’t really absorb that. He deflected it a little with a nod of his head to the side and then continued. “I was so good with him. He bottomed, I took my time, I asked him constantly if he was okay, I wasn’t myself at all. At all. I was completely different than how I usually was, and I remember thinking at the time that it had to mean something, you know? Usually it was just a quick fuck and it was over.” Tony’s hand set against the back of his neck. “I mean, that’s how people usually were with me.” He frowned, looking around the room. “Steve was so passive about the whole thing, that should’ve clued me in.” 

“But I—I was so absorbed in Steve letting me, and choosing me, and for the first time being in control when Steve was the one always telling everyone what to do, you know?” Tony grinned again, that self-hating one that Loki wanted to wipe off the earth. “I was fucking high off it.” Tony’s brow twitched as he stared down at the rumpled sheets. He’d been avoiding eye contact with Loki the entire time. “And afterwards we laid there and talked, and I said things without thinking about it.” 

“I mean, I—I thought I could say them.” Tony let out a sigh. “Like we talk,” he clarified, tossing a quick glance at Loki. “The next day when I saw Steve, I was—” Tony shook his head. “I don’t know what I was. I just thought that Steve and I were closer than we were. Overnight I thought that Steve wanted me. I acted different. And it took me a while to realize that it didn’t mean anything. Steve didn’t treat me differently or want to do it again. And he treated the things I’d said like something he was obligated to file a report on.” Tony grimaced. “It was just sex.” Tony curled in on himself a little more, slouching down. “Sex is just sex, it doesn’t matter. I get that. But—” Tony licked his lips. “I mean, I shouldn’t have gotten carried away about Steve.” 

Steve was going to be the victim of pranks for the rest of the time that Loki knew him, at the very least. The rain outside had dulled to a dim pattering sound against the glass. Tony was working up to the next thing he wanted to say. Loki was careful not to interrupt him. “I think I’m—when we, the other day I, I remembered that. And—” Tony looked at him, all of the emotions in his eyes impossible to dissect apart. “I don’t want that to happen to us.” 

Loki reached out, silently pulling Tony towards his chest. Tony didn’t move on the bed so Loki moved instead. He spoke quietly beside Tony’s ear. “I’m not Steve. I won’t let that happen.” 

Tony took a deep breath and pulled back lightly. Loki let him go. “It feels like it though, you know?” 

“Like I’m Steve?” 

“No,” Tony said, grinning at him as if the suggestion were cute. “Like—like I’m doing that thing. Where I make it more than it is. And I don't want to scare you off.” Loki bit his lip. What he wanted to answer with was going to take some courage. “And I can’t touch you without wanting it to be like last time,” Tony muttered. “That’s why I keep stopping.” 

“I want that too,” Loki said. That was easier to say. “I mean, not all the time, sometimes I want you to fuck me into the mattress until I die or vice versa, but—” He let out a breath. “I think we’ve already crossed that line. I don’t think that there’s anything you can say that’s going to scare me off. You know all of my shit. It astounds me that I haven’t scared you off.”  

“And I’m really pissed at Steve now,” Loki finished. 

Tony chuckled a little. “Don’t be,” he said. “It’s not Steve’s fault I went fanboy on him.” 

Tony smoothed his hand over a wrinkle in the bed. “And in retrospect, Steve didn’t say anything to make it sound like anything other than sex, and neither did I. We don’t—” Tony laughed a little. “See eye to eye on anything. Even now.” 

Loki breathed in slowly. He felt like he hadn’t said enough. “Tony,” he said quietly. Why was he doing this? It was fucking hard. He was going to do it anyway. “I want you around. Sex isn't why I stick around. I stick around for you. Not your dick.” 

“Not even a little?” Tony asked. 

A laugh caught in Loki’s throat. “Maybe sometimes,” he conceded. 

His lips dropped down from a smile as he stared at Tony, wondering where that put them now. “Just, it’s—I don’t think we’re ever going to be able to come back to the just sex thing again, you know?” Tony said. 

“And that’s okay?” Loki said, half statement, half question. 

“Yeah,” Tony answered. 

It was Loki’s turn to stare down at the bed. “I don’t think it’s been just sex for a while now.” 

“No,” Tony agreed. “I don’t think it has.” 

They sat there in silence, letting that realization sink in for a bit. 

There was another rumble of thunder as a second front moved in. “I think I’d like to actually eat breakfast though,” Tony admitted. “The anxiety’s not backing down.” 

Loki smiled at him, trying to load it with all of the reassurance that his grumpy, tired body could muster. “I’ll make whatever you’d like.” 

“Fruit loops with maple syrup poured on top,” Tony said. 

“That’s disgusting,” Loki said. 

“Hey, it’s what I ate in college—” His phone started ringing. Tony glanced at the caller I.D. before picking it up. “What’s up, Point Break?” Loki didn’t recognize the nickname. Whoever it was had a lot to say. It was a while before Tony said anything. “Congratulations, buddy. That’s huge.” Loki wondered what was in the fridge downstairs. He started planning the meal in his head. “Yes. Yes I would,” Tony said seriously, eagerly. Tony beamed. It had better not be Steve on the phone. “Yeah. Sure. No problem.” Tony glanced at Loki. “Yeah, he’s here. Do you wanna talk to him?” Tony held out the phone. “It’s Thor.” 

Loki hadn’t expected that. “Hello?” 

“Why isn't your phone on? I called twice.” 

Loki closed his eyes. He wasn’t in the mood for this. “Contrary to popular belief, I am not at your beck and call.” 

Thor ignored that. “We set a date for the wedding. It’s going to be in a month.” 

“Did you tell—”

“Yes,” Thor cut him off. 

“When?” 

“Last night.” Thor didn’t give him time to think. “I want you to be my best man.” 

“Of course.” 

“Don’t tell Mother that you found out before her.” 

“What did they say?” Loki asked. 

“They approve and requested that the wedding be soon.” 

“Is that why you didn’t come last night? Why didn’t you tell me that you were going over there?” 

He was about to ask more, but Thor answered. “Jane talked me into it,” Thor said lightly, as if it had just happened by mistake. Loki glared. Bullshit. “I’ve got a lot of people to tell. Say goodbye to Tony for me.” Loki thought about calling him out on it, but he’d already had a trying morning with Tony. He needed a break. Before he could talk himself in or out of it though, Thor prompted him. “Goodbye, Loki.” 

“Bye,” Loki said. Thor hung up. 

“What?” Tony asked. Loki’s eyes darted to him. “You’ve got that look on your face. What did he say?” 

“He said that our parents were fine with it. He and Jane just decided to tell them last night.” He was still glaring. 

“Do you think that they planned to go without telling you?” Tony asked, concerned. Loki hadn’t even considered that possibility. And it wasn’t like they needed his permission, but he’d expected a heads up. 

“No,” Loki said. “I think Jane got fed up.” He drummed his fingers against the bed, thinking. “There’s more, I’m sure.” 

Tony reached over and grabbed his hand. “Forget about it, Lokes. Let’s go grab breakfast before I have time to feel embarrassed about what I told you.” 

Loki smiled awkwardly. That was a strange thing to say. “It’s fine,” he said. 

“I want fruit loops with maple syrup and a coffee with Bailey’s in it,” Tony said, getting out of bed and tugging Loki towards him. 

“You’re not eating that shit,” Loki said, getting up. 

Tony smiled, starting for the door. “Yeah, but only because we’re out of fruit loops.” 

“Because you did that already this week, didn’t you?” Loki asked, sounding disappointed. 

“Yep,” Tony said brightly. 

Loki followed him downstairs, feeling that sense of normal slip back in. Things weren’t okay, and as another crack of thunder shook the house, he thought of Thor and the problems that were to come. But right now Tony was still here, and that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love to know what you think. :)


	20. Chapter 20

The spring squealed as Loki jammed napkins into the metal holder, stuffing it uncomfortably full. He was sick of refilling it. That done, he put it out on the counter and set the napkin box beneath, grabbing the creamer box at the same time. He dumped a handful of the plastic containers into a pink metal pail on the counter and then tossed the box beneath. 

The front of the shop wasn’t up to his standards, but he knew that without more help those standards were useless anyway. It was just him behind the counter this afternoon. He brushed his hands off on his apron and made his way over to a bucket filled with bleach water. At least he could get the counter in running shape while it was slow. 

The owner sat in the far corner of the room, muttering to herself as she balanced the books. She wasn’t as easy to manipulate as Loki had hoped, but she wasn’t bad. She was funny. He liked the expressions she made behind customer’s backs when they did something rude. 

Still, the monotony of the place was painful. 

He finished wiping down the counters and then moved out to the tables. The water droplets left little halos behind as they dried. There were twenty minutes until the end of his shift. 

After this he would run home and shower before driving to meet Tony at the tuxedo shop. 

He walked into the kitchen and got a plastic crate filled with tiny milk cartons to refill the case out front. All of Tony’s friends would be there. Thor had asked them to be groomsmen. He shoved the milk that was already out towards the front of the case and then began lining up the cartons. It was a big deal, they were excited. He lined up each box perfectly, stacking them to fit more in than was strictly necessary. Tony had been talking about it all week. He set the empty plastic crate down and realigned the juice bottles in the case. They’d all been debating over what gifts to get Thor and Jane, and Tony had been trying to get Loki’s opinion on everything. Loki didn’t think that Jane or Thor cared how many speeds a blender had, and he knew there was an unused one in Thor’s kitchen anyway, but Tony talked about gifts like he was giving it the same amount of thought that he gave his arc reactor.

Well, maybe not _that_ much. But close. A customer walked in and Loki slipped behind the counter. The customer’s eyes glazed over as they read the menu behind him. He hadn’t coached Tony on what to do at the wedding yet. He hadn’t gotten the chance and he was afraid that if he did it over the phone, Tony wouldn’t pay close enough attention. A cappuccino. He let them run their card and handed them their receipt before grabbing a mug and moving over to the machine. He hoped that Tony took what he said seriously. Sometimes Tony was too easy going about things. 

He set the cappuccino on the counter. The customer was already at a table with their laptop open. Maybe he could clean the cappuccino machine before his shift ended. That might make it end faster. God, what if something happened and Tony had an anxiety attack at the wedding? Yeah, best to clean the machine. He absolutely could not let that happen. He’d be pissed with himself and Tony would be upset. Thor would blame him.

It was an eternity before it was time to clock out.

* * * 

“You’re lucky that you can find a tux that fits those biceps,” Sam told Steve. “Are there extra pockets in that thing to carry your protein powder around?”

“Haha,” Steve shot back. That dry smile flickered across his lips. “If you had your way, you’d just show up in a flight suit.” 

“Maybe I will,” Sam said, crossing his arms. 

The two stared each other down another moment longer before Steve turned back around and looked at himself in the mirror. He adjusted the collar a bit. “I’m not sure about this one,” he said. 

Sam let out a labored sigh. Sam, of course, had been a perfect match for the first tux he’d tried on. They’d been sitting around the chairs of the boutique fitting room while they took turns trying on tuxes. Tony was in the chair to Loki’s left. 

Loki was trying not to watch Tony’s reactions towards Steve too closely, but he was. It was obvious to him that Tony still wanted Steve’s approval. But he’d recognized that before, hadn’t he? It wasn’t like anything had changed since Tony had told his side of things. 

“Hurry it up, precious. Bruce has to get back to work in a bit and Tony and Loki haven’t even tried anything on yet,” Clint said. “And I still have to go,” he added at the end, like that was the most important part. 

Steve shot him a look and Sam laughed. “Come on Steve,” Sam said. 

“Fine,” Steve decided. 

“Go let them get your measurements,” Sam said. Loki leaned back in his chair. He wondered if anything was going on between Sam and Steve. If it wasn’t, it would be soon. It should be. 

Bruce’s phone beeped. He glanced at it. “I have to go,” he said. 

Loki watched as they all broke into a chatter that lasted another ten minutes before Bruce finally made his escape. Sam and Steve went to go out front, leaving just Clint with them. “You wanna go?” Tony asked Clint. 

Clint shook his head. “You can go.” 

“Fine, but I don’t want your feelings to be hurt when you can’t achieve the same effect as me,” Tony told him. 

Clint snorted out a laugh and gave Tony a scathing once over. “Like that’ll happen.” Clint looked over to Loki for support. “This kid thinks he’s hot shit.” 

“Deservedly,” Loki answered him. 

Loki caught the honest smile that lit up Tony’s face before Tony could hide it. Clint just rolled his eyes. “Flatterer,” he muttered. 

“Jealous,” Tony told Clint, then disappeared back into the fitting room hall. That left Loki and Clint alone in the circle of mirrors and chairs. It was quiet for a moment. 

Loki’s eyes set on the hallway. 

“I heard you got a job at a cafe,” Clint said. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. He was sitting up in his chair a bit stiffly, his long hair slightly curled over his shoulder. 

“That’s good,” Clint said. 

Loki didn’t have a reply. The words sat awkwardly between them. “You know,” Clint said. His voice had dropped a little lower. “Tony has this fear about hiring people. He dated a girl once that was doing it for the job. It’s probably happened a few times.” 

“I’m not planning to work for Tony,” Loki said, assertive and harsh. He kept his voice below what he thought Tony could hear. Fucking Clint. 

“No, yeah,” Clint said quickly. Maybe he was starting to apologize, maybe not. They both heard the door open down the hall. They fell silent as they waited for Tony to walk out.

“Well,” Tony said brightly as he appeared. He walked to the middle of the mirrors. “Feeling intimidated yet, Clint?” 

“You wish,” Clint answered. It didn’t have much of a bite to it. Loki rose from his chair. 

Tony held his breath as Loki walked up. Loki grinned to the side, running his fingers along the silk lapels so that they laid perfectly flat. He noticed that Tony’s chest wasn’t moving at all. “So?” Tony asked. 

“I like it,” Loki said. Tony subtly let out the breath he’d been holding. “But don’t you think it’s a little loose through here?” He asked, a hand sliding over the suit jacket where it hung over Tony’s stomach. His gaze was precise, similar to the one he wore when he was making a dish for Tony.

“Yeah, but it’s going to be tailored,” Tony said. He was serious, and only caught Loki’s grin as Loki grabbed his shoulders and started turning him back around towards the dressing room. Tony broke into a smile and found Loki’s eyes in the mirror. “Hey,” Tony said, onto him. “You just want to see me in a tighter suit.” 

“The one with the peaked lapel,” Loki said as a matter of fact. His fingertips drummed along Tony’s shoulder before giving him a slight shove in the direction of the fitting room. Tony dropped all of his weight backwards.

“Ugh,” he complained. “You’re so much work.” 

“Then you’d better get to work,” Loki told him. He laughed a bit as Tony pulled away. Tony went right back down the hallway. Loki was still grinning, one hand resting against his hip. 

“I didn't mean it like that,” Clint said. 

Loki looked back over his shoulder. Clint sat forward, his hands clasped together and his chin resting on them. He held Loki’s gaze. “Okay,” Loki answered. 

“It must be weird seeing your brother get hitched,” Clint said. 

Loki frowned a bit, nodding his head to the side. He turned facing Clint. “He should’ve done this years ago.” 

“Probably,” Clint agreed. 

“Jane’s practically family now anyway,” Loki said. 

“But I thought there was this whole thing with your parents,” Clint said. 

Loki’s hands dropped to his sides. “Of course,” he said. “But Jane’s always been around,” he said. “I’ve thought of her as Thor’s eventual wife for years now. It doesn’t feel as though anything’s changed,” he explained. Clint’s brow furrowed a little bit. This seemed like new information to him. 

“Hey,” Tony said, walking into the center of the room. They hadn't heard him come in. “This is supposed to be about me,” he teased. 

“Right,” Loki said dryly. “Forgive us.” His eyes slid down Tony’s frame, the playfulness getting lost as he forgot to breathe for a second. It was obvious that it had showed when he glanced up at Tony. There was a shit eating grin on Tony’s face.

“So this one?” Tony asked, pretending to be unsure. 

“I think I might need to see a couple more,” Loki said. 

Tony went up to the mirror and undid and redid the jacket button. “Yeah, this one is terrible,” he said, pretending to smooth out the arm. “What do you think, Clint?” 

“Yeah. It’s terrible,” Clint said. Loki pursed his lips unpleasantly. They were both playing with him now. 

He rolled his eyes before giving in. “Get it,” he said. 

Tony shifted back and forth on his feet, almost dancing. With the mirrors, there wasn’t a single angle that Loki couldn’t see. All of them were wonderful. “Maybe I shouldn’t,” Tony said. 

Loki tried to flatten out his expression into indifference but failed. “You’d better fucking get it.” 

“Or what?” Tony asked, turning back around. Loki wasn’t given time to quip back. Sam and Steve were returning. Tony’s eyes darted over Loki's shoulder towards them. 

“Looks like Tony’s ready,” Sam said. 

“That looks great,” Steve said. It was friendly, nothing was meant by it, but Loki couldn’t help the slight prickle of distaste that rippled through him at Steve’s comment. 

“Yeah, I think this is the one,” Tony said. He glanced at Loki again, grinned for a brief moment, and then went to go change back. 

“I’m going next,” Clint said when he returned, standing up. Tony sat back down next to Loki. He reached over and grabbed Loki’s hand for a second, squeezing it before letting go with a cheeky smile. Loki looked away as if he was annoyed, smirking all the same. 

Clint came out with a good looking tux. “I already know this is the one I’m getting,” he said. “I don’t need to turn this into an all day event like some people,” he said, casting a look at Steve. 

“Bite me,” Steve answered as Sam started laughing. Clint fiddled with his bowtie in the mirror, giving himself one critical look, seemingly assured by what he found. As Clint went back to change, Sam and Steve picked back up in the middle of a conversation they’d been having about jogging trails. Tony turned towards him.

“Best for last,” Tony said. 

“After you’ve set the bar so high?” 

Tony laughed a little. “Exactly,” he said. “Try the black one on first,” he said. 

“They’re all black,” Loki said dully. 

“You’re the one that used the words ‘midnight blue’ when I was looking at the one,” Tony said. 

“I was reading the label.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Tony said. Clint came back into the room. “Go.” 

Loki got up and walked down the quiet hall. He took the tuxes he’d set aside earlier from the wall. There were three, but he already knew that the one Tony was talking about was the one he’d pick. He put it on slowly, carefully doing it up so that it would look right. It was all sort of nice, in a way. Not just because he could show off to Tony with the tux, but the way that Thor’s friends were showing up for the groom so enthusiastically. They’d arranged a time to try on tuxes together. It surprised Loki that they’d wanted to take time trying them on instead of all at once in a mad dash. He hadn’t heard one complaint from any of them. Not about the ordeal, or how’d they’d be paying rush tailoring fees to make the tuxes work, or that it was all hurried and inconvenient. They were just excited about it. Thor was lucky. 

Before he had any time to feel jealous of his brother, he caught sight of himself in the fitting room mirror. 

He didn’t look stiff and miserable, the way he usually did when he was in formal wear. 

He looked…comfortable, powerful, confident. 

It was strange. He didn’t usually think about it. He didn’t linger. He hurried back down the hall. 

Tony smirked the moment he set eyes on him. It was satisfying to have Tony’s gaze locked on him like that. “I knew I was right,” Tony said. 

“I picked this out,” Loki corrected him. 

“Pssht. I pointed it out to you,” Tony said, getting up. 

“Okay you two,” Clint said. 

“No, really,” Tony said. He played with Loki’s lapels the way that Loki had done to him. “I like you in formal wear,” he said a bit quieter, just for Loki’s benefit. Loki thought back to the dress shirt and slacks that Tony had been enamored with. Now Tony just looked smitten. 

“I hate formal wear,” Loki reminded him. 

“I know,” Tony said, grinning with amusement like that was a loss. Loki let himself soak that look in a few more seconds, oblivious to the rest of the room until he decided that it was time to go back and change. 

“This one,” Loki said, checking. Tony shook his head yes. Loki turned and went back down the hall. He changed, tugging his t-shirt back over his head and then yanking it down where it laid wrinkled, exposing his stomach. He remembered that he had to work in the morning. Fucking A. There was no way he’d be able to stay at Tony’s, and he knew that Tony was too busy with work to agree to staying at his. Which was a fucking shame after this. He pulled on his jeans. 

“Yeah, I believe sperm donor was tossed around a couple times,” Clint was saying when he walked back into the room. 

“Yelled,” Sam said. 

Tony’s expression was off. When he saw that Loki was back though, he stood up. “Ready?” He asked. “Let’s go get the orders in.” Loki walked a little slower so that the others would get ahead of them to the counter. 

“What was that about?” He asked. 

Tony glanced away irritably. “Oh,” he said. The others were several yards ahead of them, with Clint at the counter talking to a salesperson. “I think the fuckers left me out of the loop,” he said. Loki tossed him a questioning look instead of saying anything. “Did you know that Jane and Thor had a huge fight the night they went to tell your parents? That’s why they went. Jane told him it was then or never.” 

“No,” Loki said. “But that’s not surprising.” 

Tony let out a little huff. “Yeah,” he said. He seemed like he was going to let it go for a second. “Just pisses me off that everyone knew but me.” 

It wasn’t the first time that Thor hadn’t told him something, but he rarely had those conversations with Thor anyway. For Tony though, it seemed like something new. “Maybe he just assumed you’d hear,” Loki said. He could’ve been pissed that he didn't know and Thor’s friends did. It bothered him more that Tony was irked. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. They took a few more steps towards the counter. “I wish you weren’t working tomorrow.” 

Loki stopped beside the others, his back to them. He stared at a mannequin a few feet over. “Me too.” 

“If this fucking project would go faster, I could take some time off,” Tony said. The arc reactor was in revisions, and the new tablet they were coming out with had marketing problems. He’d been stressing out over it to Loki constantly. “What’s the point of running a company if you have to actually work?” Tony asked lightly, changing tones. 

Loki forced on a small smile, just to acknowledge that Tony was kidding. “You’re already taking time off for the wedding.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, brightening. “I’m not going in on Monday morning with a hangover.” Loki wasn't sure that he wanted Tony drinking at the wedding. It would be harder if something happened. 

“Babe?” 

Loki glanced back over at him. He didn't know when he’d started answering to these little pet names. 

“The wedding’ll be fine,” Tony told him. “Stop worrying about it.” 

“I’m not worrying about it.” 

“Right.” Tony said. “You’ve got that look for no reason at all.” 

“Tony.” The word was a warning. 

Suddenly it was their turn at the sales counter. Their measurements were taken quickly. Before everything was finally all said and done, it was early evening. As the others departed, Loki and Tony hung back in the parking lot. They were quiet for a minute. “Do you want to see what there is to eat around here?” Tony asked. 

“Yeah,” Loki decided. 

They wandered a few blocks down and ended up getting pizza. They sat outside, talking. Loki couldn’t bring himself to coach Tony on what to do right now. Tony seemed to be of the same mindset. He talked about everything but work and the wedding. When they headed back to their cars, Tony walked close beside him, so that their arms kept touching. “On Friday, maybe I’ll get out early and come see you before you get off?” 

“If you like mediocre coffee and my boss staring at you, sure.” 

“Sounds like fun.” 

They stopped between their cars. Tony stood with his hands in his pockets, his body betraying his uncertainty even as he kept it from his face. Loki made the decision on an impulse. He leant down and pressed a brief, reassuring kiss to Tony’s lips. “See you then.” 

Tony twirled his keys around on his finger, catching them. He seemed a little lighter. “Text me, okay?” 

“If you’re not _in lab_ ,” Loki said, walking around to his car door. 

Tony grinned, not remorseful but knowing. “I’ll try not to be.” 

“If you say so,” Loki said. He popped his door open but paused, watching Tony over the roof of the car. Tony grinned back at him. 

“You know,” Tony said. “It’d probably be easier for me to stay out of the lab if you were sending me dirty pics.” 

“Nice try,” Loki said. He opened the door and swung inside, shoving his keys in the ignition. Loki reached over and flipped the CD on from the radio. When he looked through his passenger side window, he saw Tony in his car. Tony waved back at him with a grin before backing out and pulling away. 

The drive home was quiet and easy. Loki walked into his apartment and grabbed a book before flopping down on the couch. The dull hum of a vacuum began upstairs. He tuned it out as he read, content to not be thinking about anything personal for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a shitty cold but it's a good excuse to lay around and write so enjoy! :)


	21. Chapter 21

Loki cracked an egg against the side of a metal bowl. He watched the viscous egg white and yolk slide down before flipping the standing mixer back on. Its metallic thrum filled the kitchen. 

Tony hadn’t come to the coffee shop during Loki’s shift that afternoon. It was past nine, and he still hadn’t shown up. 

Loki had left work and gone to the grocery store before coming home. At first he’d thought that he’d just make dinner for the two of them, but that plan had gone by the wayside when he got another harried text from Tony about being later. There’d been a series of similar texts through the evening. 

Loki’s hair was pulled back in a low ponytail. A few loose black strands had gone unnoticed by the side of his face. There was a splash of flour on the top corner of his apron that had hit his t-shirt as well. He hadn’t been paying perfect attention to what he was doing. He watched the mixture spin with a contemplative glare, his arms crossed over his chest. 

The moment the mixture hit the right consistency he switched it off, his arm moving mechanically as his mind moved on to the next thing. Bending down, he opened a cabinet and began digging for a pastry bag. The door bell rang. 

Loki tossed the pastry bag on the counter before standing up and walking to the door. He pulled it open in one casual, fluid motion. Warm night air rushed into the apartment as he stepped out of Tony’s way. “Hey,” Tony said as Loki shut the door behind him. Loki’s eyes were quietly trained on him. “Sorry I’m late.” 

Loki shook his head. “It’s fine,” he said, walking back towards the kitchen. Tony followed after him and sank down into his seat at the table as naturally as if it had been rehearsed. Loki returned to the counter and pulled back the mixer head from a lightly golden dough. 

“On Monday it’s pretty much out of our hands and sent off for the final stages for the launch, and we had to get things done. I’ll probably have to go back on Sunday, just to make sure things are right,” Tony said. “I can’t let it go out on Monday if it’s shit.” Loki dropped the first spoonful of the mixture into the pastry bag, listening. He had barely heard from Tony that week, and most of what he’d heard was about the tablet that Tony was coming out with. “Programming tried to fuck with shit as usual, they’re the last people that should be having a problem right now, it’s that damn newbie that thinks he has to change the world again. Wants to add some trendy bullshit that won’t be around in three months and will need patches and updates as long as it’s around. I should fire him.” 

Tony scratched his hand over his beard. He’d kicked his feet up into Loki’s chair under the table. “Maybe not,” he said. “I don’t want to fire the kid, I was fifty times more obnoxious when I was his age, but I had a reason to it, you know? Do you have beer?” 

“In the fridge,” Loki answered, stepping out of his way as Tony walked over and cramming another spoonful into the pastry bag. 

“The product looks great, though. It’s going to blow everything else out of the water.” Tony twisted off the cap and sat back down, swinging his feet back into the chair. “People are going to be pissing themselves trying to get one.” 

“Am I going to be watching people lining up with tents on the news?” Loki asked, pulling out a baking sheet. 

“If they’re smart,” Tony said, grinning. Loki ripped off a piece of parchment paper from the roll and set it down on the tray. “I think marketing finally got it together, though. I spent the last hour going over proofs. There’s just so much shit to do. I turn my back for ten seconds and someone has a problem and needs me. I don’t know why they can’t just figure it out. It’s not that hard.” 

“They can’t all be geniuses,” Loki said, carefully assessing the consistency of the spiraling shapes he squeezed from the pastry bag. 

Tony scoffed a little. He looked exhausted. There were bags under his eyes, like he hadn’t been sleeping. Tony was wearing suit pants, but the jacket had gotten lost somewhere before the apartment. He’d tugged open the top buttons on his dress shirt and wasn’t wearing a tie. “They need to do what they’re paid to do and let me be the mad genius without coming to me with every little hiccup.” 

Loki had hit the right rhythm with the pastry bag. His precision as he moved along the tray was mesmerizing, in its own way. “How’s the reactor coming along?”

Tony sighed, dropping his arm against the back of his chair. “Oh,” he said. “It’s coming along.” He tilted the beer bottle in circles on the table. “The problem’s not really in the design. The problem is convincing people to see the point in it. They don’t want to invest in something they don’t understand.” Tony wrinkled his nose for a moment. “I’d probably have to fly the thing around them in circles before they got the point.” 

“You could wear it with a jetpack,” Loki dryly suggested. 

“I’d need a suit of armor with all the power it puts out.” His gaze dropped to the table. “It’ll be useful someday,” he said, sliding his thumb down the beer bottle with a dismal look on his face. The baking tray clattered as Loki set it aside and started another one. “What are you making?” Tony asked. 

“Pâte à choux,” Loki said, the name rolling off his tongue the same way it had when he was in school. He’d forgotten to nix the accent, and now he looked snotty. Other thoughts had distracted him. He moved on quickly. “I’m making it for cream puffs,” he added, smoothing the parchment paper down. “That I’ve bastardized with my own changes, of course. I needed to remember that I can make something that doesn’t taste like that prepackaged hell scape.” They were also something he liked to make when he was stressed, but he didn’t say that. He made a full row with the pastry bag before Tony said anything. 

“The coffee shop?” Tony asked. It sounded more like he was reluctantly seeking clarification than asking a question. 

“The one and only,” Loki said. 

Tony was silent for a moment. “Why’d you take that job, Lo?” 

Loki finished off the tray, squeezing out what was left of the bag. “Because I can’t just wait around for the perfect job to come,” he said. 

“Yeah, but.” Tony was getting that soft tone to his voice, the one that could fuck Loki up in the right ways when it was used quietly, just between them. “You don’t really like it.” Loki cracked an egg into a small bowl. “Do you?” 

Loki grabbed a whisk. It became too forceful in his hand as it clinked against the sides. “No one likes work, that’s why it’s called work.” 

“But you said—I thought you were done with kitchens,” Tony said. 

Loki needed to calm his shit or the egg was going to get foamy. He abandoned the whisk for a moment. “I can’t keep fucking around. I’ve thrown everything away. I need to pick something and stick with it.” 

At the table, Tony shifted in his seat, but Loki only saw out of the corner of his eye. He was determined to stay focused on what he was making. “I get it. But this isn’t what you want,” Tony said. “Don’t you think this is more of a step backwards?” 

Loki took a silicone brush from a drawer. The answer flew from him. “I think I need to grow the hell up and stop being my parents’ fuck up son,” Loki said. “I can’t complain when they’re supporting me, and I’m way too old to be dependent on them. I don’t _want_ to be dependent on them.” He began brushing the egg wash on a bit too forcefully. “I fucked up. I chased after some stupid dream trying to be happy and now I’m stuck. I was just fucking stupid,” Loki said. The words came from his mouth with a certain level of critical detachment. “I should’ve thought harder about how things were going to end up.” 

He’d been thinking about it all week. If he’d just fucking thought it through better, he wouldn’t be in this mess. He could’ve figured something else out. And then maybe he’d have the standing to go to Thor’s wedding without really worrying about what could happen. And he wouldn’t be worrying about Tony thinking that he was trying to take advantage of him. 

Tony wasn’t saying anything at the table. Loki didn’t want to look up from the gleam of the egg wash. He used up the rest of it just to buy himself time from witnessing Tony’s reaction. He was being overemotional, as usual. 

“I _was_ spoiled,” Loki said, pulling open the oven door and avoiding a glance in Tony’s direction. He’d started, he might as well finish his case. “I could’ve followed Thor’s example and been a dutiful second son, but I haven't been.” He tossed the trays into the oven. “Maybe it’s a step backwards, but I can’t really be choosy over what steps I take anymore. I made this mess.” 

When he stood up from the oven, he couldn’t not look in Tony’s direction anymore. He expected to see Tony looking for an out after his outburst. Instead Tony was staring absently at his beer bottle, lost in his own head. Loki set a timer. 

“You’d pick your parents’ bullshit over trying?” Tony asked. 

It was unexpectedly sharp. It was also a good point. Loki gripped the countertop behind him as he turned back towards Tony. He thought of several answers before he sighed, replying a bit quieter. “I tried. I’m still in my parents’ bullshit,” he pointed out. “After a while you have to recognize what doesn’t work.” He took a deep breath. “I could’ve been anything in school. I could’ve tried harder. I would’ve been smarter to pick something that would’ve made money instead. That would’ve been a better out. I should’ve known better.” He let go of the counter. He did feel like he’d tried his hardest, but it hadn’t made a difference. “It doesn’t matter.” 

“When’d you start thinking like that?” Tony asked. It seemed to have dropped out of his mouth, because he was trying to backpedal a second later. “I mean, that’s not what you said after we saw your mom at lunch. And this doesn’t seem like you. You don’t put up with shit.” 

“I fucked up, Tony.” Loki grabbed the counter again. He bit the inside of his bottom lip. 

“So the coffee shop is the answer to that?” 

“Of course not,” Loki said calmly. 

“Then what is?” Tony asked. “What do you _want_ to do?” 

Loki brushed the side of his hand against his cheek, smearing a line of flour and dough across it. “I don’t know.” He tried to rub off the smeared line and missed a spot on his cheekbone. He couldn’t not answer the look on Tony’s face. “Tony,” he said gently. “I’m just fucking burnt out.” He rubbed the side of his cheek again and took a breath in through his nose. He turned around to begin the dishes that were in the sink. 

The kitchen was small enough that Tony could talk over the noise of the water without straining and still be heard. 

“I wish you'd told me what’s been going through your head,” Tony said. “You’re—you’re really stressed out.” 

“So are you.” 

“Fine point there, LA Ink.” Loki smiled a little bit at Tony’s concession as hot water poured over his hands. “But I’m just stressed out over the tablet. You’re a different kind of stressed out.” Loki scrubbed at the metal bowl, washing away the remnants of dough. For a few moments, there was nothing but the sound of the running sink and his brush scrubbing back and forth. “Is it that bad there?” Tony asked. 

Loki had thought that Tony was going to let it go. He set the metal bowl in the drying rack with a clunk. “No,” he answered. “It’s—boring.” He washed the silicone brush in seconds. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, running his thumb over the silicone bristles before dropping it beside the metal bowl. “I’ll figure it out. There are other things to be thinking about,” Loki said, flicking his hands over the sink. Water droplets shot down. He grabbed a towel, drying his fingers slowly. The designs there reemerged from beneath earlier’s floury coat. 

“Like what?” Tony asked. 

Loki glanced towards the fridge. Maybe he needed a drink too. He grabbed a beer before sitting down, Tony’s feet disappearing from his chair as he pulled it back. He frowned to the side, picking at the label. 

Tony reached over and snagged the bottle from him, twisting the cap off on his arm before sliding it back over. 

Loki set his elbow on the table and rested his chin in one hand. He nudged the bottle in a small circle. “We have to talk about what’s going to happen at Thor’s wedding.” 

“Thor’s going to get hitched, everyone’s going to get smashed, it’s going to be a great time,” Tony said in light contrast to Loki’s grim tone. 

“No,” Loki said, flicking his fingertip against the bottle. His heart thumped into a strained pace. “My parents don’t know about us.” Coaching Tony was a stupid last ditch effort against the inevitable, but here he was trying anyway, like the idiot he’d proved himself to be. “I told them we weren’t friends.”

“And I told you that whatever you want to tell them is fine with me,” Tony said. He knocked back the rest of his beer. 

Tony got up and walked behind him. Loki heard the fridge door fall shut as he tried reining himself in. He needed to say this right so Tony would listen. The table jostled as Tony sat back down. Loki licked his lips. “If they figure it out, things could get ugly. We have to be careful.” 

“Fine,” Tony said casually. He wasn’t getting it. If Loki didn’t impress on him how important this was, Tony would forget. And then the worst would happen. 

“My father’s shit at accepting things.” 

“Yep.” 

“They’ll just see a means to your company.” 

“Yeah.” 

Loki felt his body coiling tight. Tony was just reading the label on his bottle like they were discussing the fucking weather. “And they’ll get involved,” Loki said. 

“So don't tell Mom and Dad. Got it.” 

“Tony,” Loki said, somewhere between a plea and a reprimand. “I don’t want you to have to deal with them.” 

“And I said I wouldn’t tell them,” Tony said, as if that answered everything. 

Loki went to dig his nail in the bottle label but decided to press his palms against the table instead. He had to figure out a way to explain this so that Tony would understand. He really had to focus on getting it across to Tony, because at least then he could pretend that it wouldn’t fail. 

Because if there was one thing he was certain of, it was that Tony seeing the ugly underbelly of his family would rattle him. He’d leave. He’d see what Jane put up with and realize that he didn’t want to go through that.Tony deserved better. 

And even if his father picked up on what was going on and managed not to lose his shit at the actual wedding, that didn’t mean that nothing would happen later. And his father could take out his displeasure with Loki on Tony’s company. He could take it out on Tony’s business contacts. Loki couldn’t let that happen. 

It would just be so much easier if none of that mess got started to begin with. 

“There’ll be a few speeches and then we’ll just dance and party and hang out. It’ll be fun,” Tony said. As if that was any reassurance. 

Loki stared at him, scratching at the table with one fingernail as he made eye contact. “We have to be careful.” 

“Of what?” Tony asked, almost incredulous. He leaned away from the table and tipped back with his beer bottle. 

“Just don’t forget,” Loki said. 

“Forget what?” Tony asked. Somewhere along the way his patience had snapped and Loki hadn’t caught on. “I’m not going to make a fucking scene if that’s what you're worried about. What do you think I’m going to do? Give you a blow job in front of your parents? Come on, Loki.” 

Loki felt his cheeks flare up. “I just,” he snapped. “Don’t want something to happen to you while you're drunk. I don’t want you to forget and start hanging off of me and—”

“Then I’ll say I did it because I was drunk,” Tony interrupted. “And would that be so awful?” 

“No,” Loki said. There was shame sneaking up under his anger. He let his anxiety speak for him. “I just don’t want a confrontation to happen when you’re drunk. It could get out of hand, and I don’t want you to freak out.” 

“Oh,” Tony said. The word fell from his mouth. Then the tension came hurling back. “You’re afraid I’ll have an anxiety attack.” The split second of silence from Loki said it all. “Listen,” Tony said, looking him right in the face. “My anxiety’s not your job to manage.” It was firm, not an outburst, but it clearly rested on anger. 

Loki’s gaze dropped to the table. His face was burning. He'd never felt so genuinely guilty before. “It’s not like I want to fucking hide from them,” he said. His voice was strained, vulnerable. He hid his hands beneath the table and found the fingers of one hand and squeezed with the other. 

They were quiet for a minute. Loki didn’t look up from the table. There was a fucking coffee stain on it. It was disgusting, he should've done something about it, why hadn’t he noticed it? Tony had probably noticed it. Tony probably hated this sketchy ass apartment with its ratted carpet and paper thin walls.

“What are you so worked up about?” Tony asked. 

“I’m not,” Loki said. “I just don’t want anything to happen.” 

He could hear Tony take a breath. Tony’s legs shifted under the table, not knocking into his, but carefully maintaining a respectful boundary underneath the small space. “Tell me,” Tony said. “Don’t make me guess. I hate when you make me guess.” 

“It’s fine,” Loki decided. He should’ve kept his fucking mouth shut.

“Really?” Tony challenged him. 

“I just wanted to be on the same page.” 

He wished the fucking oven would hurry up and give him something to do. 

“You know,” Tony said. “You’re kind of easy to read.”

Loki crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ve never been told that in my life.” 

“Has anyone known you like me?” Tony asked. It didn’t sound arrogant coming from his mouth. It just sounded like a question that they both knew the answer to. And it was a point that Loki had to concede. He was used to reading people, not the other way around. And maybe he wasn’t putting on an act as well as he could around Tony, or maybe Tony was just a damn good reader. Either way, he wasn’t used to it. Loki set his elbows on the table and cradled his forehead in his hands, then pressed his fingertips to his temples. It didn’t ease him. He felt like he _should_ tell Tony. 

But could he really say something so stupid out loud? 

“Please,” Tony said. It wasn’t pleading, and Tony’s voice hadn’t lost the conflict of earlier, but it was the little push that Loki needed.

“I don’t want you to see how fucked up my family is up close,” Loki said. “It’s one thing to hear about it. It’s another thing to witness it, to get involved with it.” Tony’s foot set against his under the table and Loki nearly jumped. 

“I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is, Lo.” 

“I’ve known them nearly my entire life,” Loki said. “I know—” He started.

“No,” Tony said. “I mean, the wedding’s going to be fine. And for your family stuff, that’s just, it is what it is, okay? I’ve known the Odinsons a long time. I’m a Stark. I know a few things about a fucked up family.” 

“But,” Loki said, finally looking him in the eye. Tony seemed so much kinder just then than Loki had imagined. He was still tired and on edge, but he had that soft patience beneath that Loki had come to love. “You don’t want to be Jane,” he said, trying to explain it. 

Tony snorted. “What?” Loki didn’t react as quickly. “The stars aren’t my field and I can’t take Thor down in an argument.” Tony smiled, almost as if he was apologizing for his joke. Not quite, but almost. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.

“I just keep thinking,” Loki said, pressing his palm to his forehead. This was fucking weak and unattractive. 

“Mm-hmm.” 

He couldn’t tell if Tony was fucking with him and needed to be told off or just acting however Tony acted. “That you’ll see it for what it is and then you’ll…decide you’ve had enough. Jane doesn’t deserve what she goes through. I don’t…want that for you.” 

“Woah. Okay,” Tony said. “One, way overthinking it. I knew Thor and Jane way before I knew you, remember? I know what they’ve been through. This is not news to me.” He took a breath. “And I don’t think Jane’s getting roped into something she doesn’t want. She can handle herself. She knows what decisions she’s making, don’t act like she witlessly got sucked into something. She wouldn’t have stayed with Thor for years if she didn't choose to.” 

Loki twisted his mouth to the side, biting on the inside of his lips.

“Two, I’m not done with you. Losing you is the shittiest thing I can think of, and I’d be _pissed_ if someone else got to be with you.” Tony huffed. “And three, since when did you give a fuck what your parents think? It makes me think—” Tony stopped himself. 

“It’s not that I give a fuck,” Loki said. “I’m just trying to not be stupid.” He set his hands back down on the table. “It doesn’t make any sense to get into a conflict if I already know how to avoid it.” He thought back to what else Tony had said. “And just because I don’t like their methods doesn’t mean that they were wrong about things,” Loki said. 

“I don’t like you working at that coffee shop,” Tony said, just as the oven timer went off. Loki stood up.

“It’s not the coffee shop,” he said, grabbing an oven mitt. 

“Then what is it?” Tony asked. Loki set the hot trays on the stovetop and turned the oven off. He set the timer again and then walked back over to sit down at the table. He hadn’t even taken a sip of his beer yet. He chugged down a mouthful. 

He didn’t really have an answer.

“You’re not working forwards,” Tony said. “Let’s say you took your parents’ advice and became a—I don’t know, a neurosurgeon and were loaded. If you were fucking miserable you’d be in the same place you are now, it’d just look better.” Loki sucked a sharp breath in through his nose. “There’d be a topiary or something,” Tony said. “But you,” he said, focus set on Loki, “would not be happy. You could take a shitty kitchen job and be making money again.” 

Loki pressed his fingers to his forehead and then pushed them back into his hair. He didn’t know what Tony was thinking. He couldn’t tell if it was good or bad.

“You’re not like that,” Tony said. “That’s just not you.” 

Loki rubbed the side of his neck, his eyes drifting across the table. “You’re right,” he said, hoping that would be the end of it. He didn’t have anything to say to that. He didn’t want to argue with Tony. He didn’t _like_ arguing with Tony. And he’d done a pretty shitty job of not doing that tonight.

“I wouldn’t run my business if I didn’t like that it lets me design things,” Tony said. “I don’t like the paperwork, but I want to be there. You deserve that too.” Loki’s eyebrows flinched down as he stared back at the coffee ring. “You do,” Tony said. 

Tony took in a strained breath. The chair squealed under him as he moved uncomfortably. “Lo,” he said. “The wedding’s going to be fine.” He reached back and took out his phone. His eyes darted across the screen before switching it off. “Let it go.” 

Loki’s gaze drifted across the inactive cellphone and then settled there. The timer went off. He got up and went over to the stove. Picking up the first of the batch, he flipped it over and tapped on the bottom. There was a soft, hollow sound. He reached over and grabbed a knife. He began slicing each puff. The small slit allowed the steam to escape. He didn’t hear Tony get up. 

He nearly startled when Tony’s arms came in around his waist, but relaxed and went back to working as if this was normal. Tony stood up on his toes, trying to make up for the height difference as he buried his nose into Loki’s neck. A flame tingled down Loki’s spine in response. He’d been tight as hell and now it was like a pressure valve releasing. Tony pulled his shirt collar back, kissing what he could get of the bottom of Loki’s neck. 

Loki dropped the knife as he finished the last one. His face was warm. 

Tony groaned out a sigh. “I wish I had the energy to fuck right now,” he said in a whisper. 

“We have the weekend,” Loki said, sounding doubtful. He couldn’t help the uncertainty that flickered through. And it was hard to push away the ache that was settling in its place. 

“Yeah, but you,” Tony said, resting his forehead against Loki’s back. “Missed you,” Tony mumbled. “Been fucking thinking about it all week. I feel like shit for not calling you.” 

“It’s fine.” 

“No,” Tony said. His chin was digging awkwardly into Loki’s back, almost as if he was trying to find a way to make it comfortable. It didn’t feel good exactly, but it fanned that flame anyway. Vexingly. “You’re thinking too much about Thor’s wedding. I don’t like it.” 

Loki leaned forward an inch, testing him. Tony didn’t let go. He just swayed with Loki. “We’re going to be fine,” Tony said. “I’m excited about it. We’re going to go and have a good time, and I’m going to watch some of my longest friends get hitched and you’re going to get to enjoy being your brother’s best man.” 

Loki let out a sigh. 

Tony’s hands slid back, cupping his waist a moment before letting go. “Jane used to check some of my science homework,” Tony said. Loki turned back around to face Tony, leaning into the counter. “Not like, because I couldn't figure it out. But it’s kind of hard to stay on top of everything when you have a hangover.” Tony rubbed his nose. “She was nice like that. Sometimes she’d just take it and check without me asking, if I’d crashed at Thor’s,” Tony said. He sat back down at the table. “Or wherever I was.” 

“I didn’t realize you crashed at Thor’s.” 

“I crashed everywhere,” Tony said. “Thor’s, Clint’s, Bruce’s, pretty much everyone’s at some point.” He grinned at Loki. “Why? Jealous?” 

“No,” Loki said, rolling his eyes. He’d never crashed at Thor’s or had Jane help him with his homework. The idea took on a rosy tint in his head.

“We didn’t stay up until the early hours of the morning bearing our souls or anything. Thor’s just too nice for his own good. Let me stay over when I couldn't walk myself home.” Tony rubbed his face. “I’m so tired.” 

“Then let’s go to bed.” 

“What? No, I’ve barely seen you. Sit down. You’re making me nervous.” 

Tony tried to hide a yawn behind his hand. “Tony,” Loki said. “If you’re that tired, go to bed.” 

“No,” Tony said with finality. 

Loki shook his head and walked over to the fridge. He’d made the cream filling earlier that evening. The puffs weren’t completely cool yet, but he didn’t think that Tony would care or have it in his hands long enough for that to really matter. His left hand reached out for a puff as the other took a filled bag from the fridge. He gave the puff a generous portion of cream, then walked to the table.

He held out his hand. “At least eat something if you’re going to try staying awake.” 

Tony eyed it, opening his mouth a fraction and then closing it. “Right,” Loki said quickly. “Handing things.” He started to turn back to grab a plate.

“No,” Tony said, grabbing it out of his hand. “I’m good.” He immediately took a huge bite out of it. The look of bliss that passed over his face was as pleasurable to Loki as the flame that had spread when Tony had held him. “Ohmygod,” Tony muttered, eyes falling shut. “This is fucking good.” When he went for the second bite, it was painful, suddenly. 

Loki had always loved this moment with people. But it hadn’t translated into anything useful. It had just landed him in kitchens he hated.

“I haven’t eaten since two,” Tony said. 

“And you just came in and took a beer?” Loki asked, more frustrated than he’d intended. “Tony, there’s food in the fridge, you could’ve had something other than beer and sugar.” 

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Tony said. “Just give me another one, okay?” 

Loki could feel his mouth tug up into a smirk before his brain caught up. He acted put out as he made another, just to have Tony snatch it from his hand. “These are really good,” Tony said, mouth full. “I’m serious. What’s in these?” 

“The filling’s chestnut flavored,” Loki said. His attention flickered to the cream on the side of Tony’s face.

“I’m not just saying this because I want to get some great sex out of it later,” Tony said. “But these are the best shit I’ve ever had.” 

Loki made himself one and sat down, leaning one knee against the table as he set his foot on his chair. There was a line of baked egg along the edge where he’d been too heavy handed with the egg wash. “But you are partially saying it because of that.” 

“Well yeah.” 

Loki huffed out a laugh as he reached for his beer. He took a long, slow swig. 

“So. What’d you do this week?” Tony asked. Loki didn’t take the bottle from his lips, thinking. “Can I make myself another?” Tony asked, standing up. Loki paused for a moment and then nodded his head. 

“I worked and tried to write a toast for the reception,” Loki said. He was mildly amused as he watched Tony try to pry the puff open, then awkwardly squeeze the pastry bag so that too little came out, then too much. “Let me,” he said, starting to get up.

“No,” Tony said, turning protectively over it.

Loki decided to leave Tony to it and continue with what he was saying. “Thank god Jane is so down to Earth. She didn’t want to do a rehearsal dinner. I think the reception is pushing it, in her opinion.” 

“She refused a rehearsal dinner,” Tony said without looking up. He wiped the cream that he’d gotten on his fingers on the side of the puff. He was making a mess as he stood at the counter. 

“Who said that?” Loki asked. 

Tony sat back down. He took a bite before answering. “Bruce,” he said. “Jane wasn’t big on the whole sit down and have a show thing.” Loki thought back to what Tony had said about his father telling Jane off at the dinner table. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting a rehearsal dinner. Tony must’ve drawn the connection as well. 

Loki crammed the rest of his puff in his mouth, not feeling particularly good anymore. 

“After this tablet comes out, and the wedding, I’m thinking about taking some time off. Maybe fly somewhere for a week. What do you think?” Tony asked, turning his beer bottle around. 

“I think I’ll probably have a better chance of reaching you when you’re out of town than when you’re in lab,” Loki said. 

“No. As in you come with me, smart ass,” Tony said. 

Loki’s face became stiff and sharp. He glared at the pastry bag that had been left out on the counter. “I can’t take time off and pay for this place,” he said, getting up. He started filling the cooled puff shells. He didn’t watch for Tony’s reaction. “You said something last time about some tv show you were watching,” Loki said. He didn’t want the conversation to dwell on him or what he couldn't do. He just hoped that Tony would take the redirection. “Do you want to watch that tonight?” 

Tony made a childish groan. “The episodes are almost an hour long,” he said. His brown eyes settled on Loki, contentedly watching the rhythm that Loki moved with. “I can’t pay attention that long.” 

“Then what would you like to do, oh sleepless one?” 

“I don’t know,” Tony said, fighting back a yawn. He blinked, grabbing for his beer. With a wry smile, Loki hurried to finish the last two cream puffs. 

“I think,” he said, starting to put them away, “that I’m exhausted. So you can loiter around my kitchen or come to bed with me.” 

“No fair,” Tony said. He watched Loki clean up the kitchen with heavy eyes. 

“If you have another beer you’re going to fall asleep at the table,” Loki said. 

“It’ll be waking me up in a couple hours anyway.” 

Loki shook his head and finished what he was doing. He reached back to his ponytail and yanked it out, letting his hair fall over his shoulders. Just as he dropped his apron over the back of his chair, he noticed the dazed look on Tony’s face. “Tony?” 

“Do the hair thing again,” Tony said. 

With a dismissive smile, Loki started towards the main room. “I’m going to bed,” he said. The chair smacked into the table as Tony got up. He followed Loki into the bedroom. 

“Shit,” Tony said behind him.

Loki’s arms were halfway up his chest, in the process of pulling his shirt off. “What?” 

“I forgot to bring my bag,” Tony said, looking around the room. “I left it by the door to the garage to remind myself but I must’ve forgotten it thinking about something.” 

“Then just use my stuff,” Loki said, pulling his shirt off. Tony didn’t move. “Or you could sleep naked.” Tony smiled, like he was going to play along, but there was a strain beneath it. No, Tony wanted a shirt but probably didn’t want to ask for it, Loki thought. “Here,” Loki said before Tony could say anything. He turned around and got out a soft cotton t-shirt and some pajama bottoms. He set them on the bed in front of Tony. 

Tony stared at them a moment before accepting them, curling his lips in and biting on them. Loki went back and put on pajama pants. He dropped his jeans in a hamper. Behind him, Tony changed, seeming a bit more at ease. He set his dress clothes on Loki’s desk. Loki pulled back the covers and laid down in bed. “It’s too hot,” Tony said, leaving the pajama pants on the desk and getting into the bed with his boxers and the shirt. 

Loki turned the light out. The street lights from the window shone down on the bed in a slated rectangle. It was a soft blue color on the bed. Tony rolled onto his side. 

A dog barked in the distance. Its voice faded away. Loki continued staring at the light on the bed. 

“Now I’m cold,” Tony muttered, scooting closer. There wasn’t that far to go. One leg came over Loki while Tony’s face tried to find his neck. Loki felt a hand in his hair and laughed. 

“You just wanted to play with my hair.” 

“Guilty,” Tony groaned. Loki shifted in the bed to make it more comfortable for both of them, a tension he’d been unaware of suddenly easing out. He inhaled deeply. Tony’s warm breath drifted across his skin. Loki brushed his fingers through his own hair, staring up at the ceiling. For the first time that evening, he felt truly calm. 

“Are you still sure you don’t want to go bed?” Loki asked lightly, his voice quiet in the dark. 

Tony was already asleep.

Loki pulled their covers up higher.


	22. Chapter 22

They stood outside on the pavement. The oppressive summer heat had died down and given way to a mild autumn, but a few late cicadas shrieked in the distance. Loki’s hands were in his tux pockets, his focus just slightly off from Tony. 

All of the groomsmen were standing outside of the library doors. Waiting. 

The venue would be theirs in a little bit, once the last patrons were gone. This was where Jane and Thor had met, and Jane had insisted on having the ceremony there for sentimental reasons, but it probably helped that it had been easy to arrange last minute. The director there adored Jane and was happy to make it happen. 

“Lokes,” Tony said. They were a couple feet away from the group, just slightly off to the side. Loki’s eyes flickered towards him.

And there it was again. He’d helped Tony pick out the tux, but seeing Tony in it was fucking him up, clawing at him with a fondness that bordered on painful. “We’re going to,” Tony prompted him. 

“Have a great time,” Loki finished for him. They'd had this conversation so many times on the phone that he’d lost track. At first he'd argued with Tony, or come up with snide answers, but eventually he’d just caved in. 

Tony smiled. It was closed lipped, and the only thing that really gave away the awkward discomfort about the day was the way that Tony’s eyes wandered. Loki breathed in. He shrugged his head to the side a little, frowning. “It’ll be over in a few hours,” Loki said reassuringly. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “It will.” He looked like he was on the verge of pulling Bruce in towards him, or stirring up something with his friends. They were giving Loki his space, but Tony kept uneasily trying to bridge the gap between them. Sam’s laugh rang out from a conversation they weren’t a part of. 

Loki wasn’t sure what Tony had told them, but it was clear that something had been said. He was an island today. He didn’t mind not having their attention, but it had grown on him since he’d started being around Tony. If he hadn’t been thinking about everything else, he might have missed having it. 

The compulsion to warn Tony was gone though, and Loki was grateful for that. It wasn’t that he wasn’t worried. But hearing Tony snap earlier that week had, strangely, put him a little more at ease. _“Who do you think owns their card readers, Loki? Who do you think sold them the tech their company runs on? I did. Them pissing me off is a riskier move for them than vice versa. And quit forgetting that Thor and I have been friends for a long time. If they wanted a shot at my company they could’ve done it years ago through Thor. He knows their bullshit, I know their bullshit, you’re not the only one. Quit taking everything on yourself. It’s going to be fine.”_

Loki’s eyes fell back on Tony’s tux. He wanted to tease off that bowtie and run his fingers through Tony’s styled hair like hell. “I can’t wait for the hotel,” Loki said. 

“Me too,” Tony said, sounding happy for the first time that day. He grinned, but his eyes were on Steve and Clint joking about something. Just then the side door opened and a staff member motioned to let them in. The set up and the ceremony were a blur after that. 

It felt like seconds until Jane was walking down the aisle, a white dress draped from her petite figure as flawlessly as fondant, a modest pearl headband in her hair. Thor beamed like he’d won the lottery. Loki kept his attention carefully trained on what was happening. He tried not to look at Tony. Whenever he did, he’d catch Tony watching him, either with a pensive expression or a brief, meaningless grin if he knew that he’d been caught. 

There was one moment, when Jane and Thor were saying their vows, that Loki felt a massive wave of envy pass over him. Things were working out for Thor. Maybe not in the way that Thor had planned, but they were. Thor was a golden child even when things weren’t going according to plan.

Loki couldn’t recall a time in recent years that he’d seen Thor look so openly happy. Jane kept breaking into a smile too, even when she tried to be serious or toss Thor a teasing look.

Loki glanced over towards his parents. They sat passively in their chairs, looking the part to any untrained eye. He kept his focus on the ceremony. He could play the part too. He smiled at the right moments and hid his envy towards Thor. He wanted Thor to be happy. If anything, he was pissed on Thor’s behalf that this day had taken so long to come. 

When the ceremony finished, they headed off to take photographs. It was a brief ordeal. Loki saw Tony move to stand next to him out of the corner of his eye. Inwardly, it made him happy. Even if he had to keep his eyes trained ahead and hands to himself, he was glad that Tony was there. 

It shouldn’t have been like that. He should’ve been able to openly be with Tony, just like anyone else there could be with someone. He wasn’t enjoying this like he could have. With that thought, a new well of resentment opened up. 

There wasn’t much time to think until they were off to the reception hall and Loki found himself with a microphone in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other, with an entire crowd of people staring at him. 

Loki smiled smoothly, slipping into the polished charm that worked so effortlessly on people. He was perfectly still for a moment. “Tonight we’re honoring the union of Jane and Thor.” There were a few whooping cheers, probably from Clint. “And in one way, it’s also the official addition of Jane to our family. But in many ways, she has already been a part of it for many years.” 

With the lighting, he couldn’t make out any of the faces in the crowd. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t nervous about speaking. He enjoyed the sense of control over the room. “It’s actually a bit difficult to remember a time when Jane wasn’t a part of Thor’s life,” Loki said. 

It was quiet. Not uncomfortably so, just no one was fucking around with silverware or talking like nothing was going on. “She was there at my graduation, and most of Thor’s celebrations.” And hadn’t he been a bit standoffish at some of them? Most of them? It didn’t matter now. “I’ve never seen anyone that makes my brother smile that big. And he survived all of my pranks growing up.” There were a few generous laughs. 

“I’m happy to finally be seeing you start this chapter in your lives together,” he said. “So a toast,” he said, getting a bit anxious. He rose his glass. “To the love of two people embarking on their lives together, that deserve all the happiness that life can offer, from the people that love them.” He took a quick sip. There were a few cheers and clapping as he moved to sit down. He glanced over at Thor, noticing that his brother seemed surprised. 

Thor leaned over towards him. “Thanks,” he whispered sincerely. Loki shrugged. 

As the next speech started, Loki realized that Thor genuinely had seemed to have been touched by what he said. He toyed with his glass. He’d practiced a speech, and come up with grandiose versions, but that wasn’t what he’d gone for when the moment came. 

Loki tuned out during the maid of honor’s speech. Thor’s speech was fitting, Jane’s brief. When Jane’s father got the chance to speak he fought back tears and failed, overcome with pride. Jane’s family was humble and unassuming with no lack of love to give. They were proud of Jane, but would’ve been proud of her no matter what she did. Loki couldn’t imagine a more dissimilar family. They had no idea what they were in for with Loki’s family. He cringed at the thought. 

His own parents spoke with a polite formality. Loki picked apart his father’s pleasantries, trying to read between the lines. It was dull and meaningless but clearly had been important to Thor. In all, the speeches were brief, and when the dance floor opened up to everyone, Loki realized that he had no one to go to. Not even a casual acquaintance to kill time with.

He traced the designs on his fingers. 

Shielding Tony from the shit storm that was his family was his top priority. He’d made it bad enough by openly agonizing over this whole thing to Tony. 

There was nothing to do but push through this night and hope that whatever came after it was fine. Hopefully he hadn’t put Tony off too much. 

Tony was out dancing on the floor with his friends. Loki took a step on the floor in the opposite direction, looking for a distraction.

Before long, he found himself paired up with Jane for a dance. Someone from her family pushed him towards her, pointing out that it was supposed to happen at a wedding or something. Jane took one hand formally, as if waltzing with him, and set the other on his shoulder. With their height difference, she barely reached. Jane felt like an older sister. Even setting his hand on her waist felt too intimate. 

Jane didn’t move with the beat or make much of an effort at actual dancing, and with her indifference and his unease, their mutual disdain for the whole affair was rather comfortable. 

Jane spoke to him like they were just talking, though maybe while walking somewhat awkwardly. Her eyes drifted over the room before darting back to him with an almost conspiratorial grin. It was to her own amusement, though. “That was a good speech you gave,” she said. The compliment felt like it was coming from a cool babysitter. 

“Thanks,” he said, not certain whether he liked that feeling or not. Jane’s clever brown eyes honed in on him like they often had at some of Thor’s earlier parties, years ago. 

“I thought you and Tony would be dancing together,” she said casually. “Are you two still…?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. “We’re just not making it obvious to my parents.” 

“Oh,” Jane said with a little distaste slipping into her tone, her lips twisting to the side unpleasantly. Then she let out a sigh. “They’re going to miss out on their kids,” she said. Quick to move on she continued, “Probably wouldn’t be the end of the world if they knew, you know.” 

Loki was wondering why Jane didn’t know that he and Tony were keeping it quiet tonight. He didn’t know if Thor had simply forgotten to tell her, or if he hadn’t harassed Thor enough about it. The inaccuracy of her statement brought him back. “I doubt that,” he said. 

Jane shrugged. “You’re good for each other, you know.” She said it like she was just stating the order that the planets went in. It wasn’t particularly interesting to her, but she knew it. “Tony’s got a good heart like you. It shows a little differently, but honestly, I’m not sure how you two don’t get up to juvenile delinquency on your time off. Or maybe I just haven’t heard about it yet.” She grinned. Maybe Loki looked a little unsure because she added, “I’m kidding.” 

Loki smiled, but there wasn’t much behind it. 

“I used to worry about him,” Jane said. Her playful edge was lost as she frowned at the crowd swaying in the room. 

“Tony?” 

“Yeah,” Jane said. 

Loki decided to switch subjects before that rueful look on Jane’s face got any deeper. “You are welcome in our family,” Loki said. “I just want to make that clear, for the next time that my father decides to make an ass of himself.” He felt like he needed to say it. He hadn’t been the best with Jane years ago, when they’d first met. Back then he was still a kid and she was, in his eyes, part of the reason that his brother wasn’t hanging out with him anymore. Now that just seemed stupid. He was embarrassed by it. He wanted Jane around for Thor. Somehow it felt better to have her around. Safer. Like her presence could tip scales that wouldn’t budge before. 

“I’m not worried about that,” Jane said. “He’s going to have to deal with it if he wants to see this kid.” She said it bluntly, then seemed to relent on it a bit as too harsh. “Well,” she said, pressing her lips together for a moment. She glanced at Loki. “I like you, and Thor, obviously. And Frigga’s come around, mostly. Don’t worry about it, Loki.” 

He opened his mouth to argue, but she cut him off. “I’m going to expect some free babysitting out of you,” she said, suddenly teasing again. “The observatory’s not child proofed and I have research with deadlines.” 

“I’m terrible with kids,” Loki said, grabbing the first excuse he could think of. 

“Diapers, food, it’s easy,” Jane said lightly just as the song came to an end. She let go. “Let’s see who I have to get carted off to next,” she said with a slight eye roll. She smiled at Loki just as the so-and-so of someone or other came over. “Thanks,” she told Loki. He didn’t get a chance to reply. 

Taking the opportunity to get out of there before anyone else could swoop in for an obligatory dance, he wandered over to the bar. He ordered a drink. There were a few interested looks in his direction by people he happily would’ve gone home with a few months ago. Now it was simply annoying. 

He took his drink over to a mostly empty table and nursed it. The elderly women sharing the table with him were content ignoring the sulking man with a glass tumbler in his hand that was casting imperious looks over the dance floor. Loki was looking for Steve. 

It took a while to find the blonde, and when he did, Steve was dancing with some brown haired woman. Loki was more relieved than he wanted to admit. Sam was with Bruce eating from the buffet. Clint was dancing with a bridesmaid but his eyes were on Natasha. She laughed as the roughish looking man she was dancing with whispered something in her ear. 

And Tony…well it was a crowded, noisy room. Loki waited for the crowd to part and shift. Tony had been laughing and dancing like a mad man earlier. How the fuck had he lost track of him? Loki waited another moment and then took out his phone. 

No missed texts. Loki sighed and dropped it back in his pocket. 

Then he spotted Sam and Bruce turning with bright smiles. Tony was returning to them with drinks in his hand. His back was to Loki. It was difficult to ignore the disappointment that sunk in, or the irritation that sprang up over it. 

He could not spend the whole fucking night watching Tony like this. He couldn’t spend his life like this. 

Maybe he should just get up and dance with the bridesmaid that was trying to catch his eye for the fifth time now. He didn’t know anyone here outside of Tony’s group, and the last fucking thing he wanted to do was go over to the table where his parents were eagerly chatting away with one of their business partners. 

He found himself staring at Tony’s back again. Fuck, he really wanted to go over there. 

Tony had said they’d have a good time. 

And here he was fucking ruining it because—because why, exactly? 

He knew why, but he was pissed. 

And just then, as if Tony could sense it, he turned around. His eyebrows jumped up as he found Loki staring at him. They held each other’s gaze for a moment, and then Tony turned back around. Loki got up from the table. He saw Tony hand his drink off to Sam in the same moment, then come for him. There was a smile on Tony’s lips so subtle that Loki nearly missed it. He stood at the table, waiting. 

“Hey,” Tony said. “What’s up?” 

“I’m fucking pissed because I want to be with you instead of this crap, that’s what’s up,” Loki said. Instead of sounding harsh, it sounded whiny. 

Tony’s head bowed downward slightly, his eyes hesitantly settling on Loki. He waited. Loki set a hand on his hip and glanced out over the room. “I mean,” he said. He pushed out a breath. “Do you really think that it’ll be fine? Because I—I hate that we have to act like this.” Loki knew he’d been the one dragging his feet and throwing a fit the whole time, but if Tony could just say it’d be alright, then maybe he could take whatever would come. He just needed to hear it. 

Tony toyed with a cufflink, tilting his head to the side. “It’s whatever you want, Lo.” He sounded analytical. “If you don't want them to know, I respect that. It doesn’t make a difference to me.” Tony took a deep breath. “But this is also the only night I’m going to watch two of my longest friends getting married and I want to dance with my boyfriend, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

If Loki had felt better, he would’ve broken into a full smile. As it was, his heart was starting to pound, because he’d already made his decision. It was impulsive, but three years ago he wouldn’t have given a flying fuck what his parents thought. He would’ve made a scene just to piss them off. Tonight, he just hoped that he and Tony wouldn’t be noticed dancing far off in the corner, and didn’t think past that. That pendulum of giving a shit had swung back the other way in him. Fuck them. He wanted what he wanted. This was fucking ridiculous. He was ashamed of catering to his parents at Tony's expense. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. “It is.” 

A smile lit up Tony’s face. Loki pushed him in the direction of the dance floor, unable to look at that smile head on. Loki pulled Tony along to a spot in the corner, shielded by a dense crowd on two sides, and just a few feet from the wall in the other. He let go of Tony’s hand. Purple and blue lights drifted over them in a looping pattern. They stood there for a moment, staring at each other. 

Loki was going to do this. He’d decided he was going to fucking do this. Tony seemed to be waiting on a cue. 

The music turned to a slow song. “This is worse than junior high,” Loki said weakly. Now that he had Tony here, he wasn’t entirely sure if he should go through with it. There was too much that could go wrong. But he should do it, because fuck it, that’s why. He just didn’t want Tony to get hurt. 

“I’m sure this is a hell of a lot better,” Tony said, hooking his arms back around behind Loki’s waist. Loki caught himself by wrapping his arms across Tony’s shoulders. Loki almost managed a laugh. 

“I can’t bend down like this. You’re shorter, you should hold my shoulders.” 

“Ah, don’t wound my fucking pride like that,” Tony said. “Jerk.” He shook his head then dropped it against Loki’s chest for a moment and breathed in. The action startled Loki. Maybe he’d asked too much. When Tony pulled back though, he just looked content. 

“I didn’t know your ego was so fragile,” Loki said. 

“It is,” Tony said. He grinned and rested some of his weight against Loki, barely bothering to keep with the music. 

All day, Loki had been dying to touch Tony. And now that he could, it filled him with a deep contentment. He was dizzy with anxiety but kept his head up and let Tony ground him. Fuck, Tony smelled good. It was some new cologne he hadn’t worn before. The longer they stood there half-dancing, the better Loki felt. 

Tony usually wasn’t quiet for this long. Loki realized he’d been staring at people he didn’t know as his head rested against Tony. He pulled back to check. Tony was just sort of watching everyone else with a sloppy little smile on his face. “Hmm?” He asked Loki. 

The music had picked up to another pop song, but they didn’t change pace. Loki answered, “guess what Jane said.”

“What?” Tony asked, perking up. 

“She doesn’t know how we don’t get into juvenile delinquency on our time off,” Loki said. 

Tony laughed. “Because we’re not juveniles,” Tony said. “We don’t qualify.” 

“But we are delinquents,” Loki said. 

“Obviously,” Tony answered. Loki felt Tony’s fingers brush against the back of his suit before stilling their grip again. “I wonder what kind of cake it is.” 

“White chocolate with raspberry,” Loki said. Tony wrinkled his nose. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He sort of wanted to slump over and let Tony carry him or something. That seemed really appealing all of a sudden. He didn’t act on it. “I wish they’d hurry up and cut it so we could get the fuck out of here.” 

“Just enjoy now,” Tony said. 

“I’ve been sneaking off to our hotel room in my head all day,” Loki said. Tony chuckled. “I can’t wait anymore.” 

“Thor should’ve got a groom’s cake,” Tony said. “It could’ve been chocolate and beer flavored. Do you think Jane would’ve gone for a cake that looked like a keg?” 

Loki smirked. “If it meant that the wedding got done with, I don’t Jane would’ve cared if it was a t-rex.” Tony grinned, squeezing Loki in a little closer. He fell quiet again, seemingly content. Loki wanted to ask him, or tease him about the silence. He scanned the dance floor instead. He couldn’t see the tables where his parents would be seated. There were too many people. He could see Steve and the man that Natasha had been dancing with laughing and standing close. 

A group of people jostled past them. Tony leaned out of their way and completely into Loki for a moment. “Tony,” Loki said, nearly breaking into a laugh. He knew what he’d felt. “Are you getting hard right now? Seriously?” 

Tony smiled at being caught, but there was no shame. “Yeah,” he said. “There’s all this love-y crap and you know how I like you in formal ware.” He grinned and set his head against Loki for a second like he needed to catch his balance. He was still smiling but he was a little flushed in the face when he straightened back up. “It’s fine, I’m gonna tough it out.” 

“Just don’t let my fucking parents see you,” Loki muttered. He was too amused to be upset. He was trying hard not to smile too much. He didn’t want Tony to think he was enjoying it to be cruel. 

Tony’s soft brown eyes settled on him. “I told you we’d have a good time.” 

“You’re the one having a good time,” Loki said, smirking too much to really pull off anything snarky. “Or at least, part of you is.” Tony just laughed. 

By the time that everyone finally got around to cutting the cake, Tony and Loki had merged with Tony’s group of friends. It was like there’d been no barrier during the day. They talked to Loki like they did at any other party. Loki drank and let Tony make a fool of himself dancing, but enjoyed it. They kept a comparably respectable distance the rest of the evening, and by the time that Loki snuck off to join Tony at a hotel room, he’d almost completely convinced himself that his parents wouldn’t have noticed a thing. 

He was actually having a really fucking good time. He wasn’t about to ruin it by thinking anymore. All that he cared to think about was how Tony got that grin on his face when they locked the hotel door and how much fun they could have before checkout.


	23. Chapter 23

Loki’s head rested on Tony’s chest. With every breath, Tony’s warm skin rose and fell with Loki’s cheek against it. The contentment in Loki sunk all the way down to his bones. He laid over Tony, deeply pleased that he’d taken the initiative to do so without much second guessing, and Tony had responded with nothing but a hand at the small of his back. 

The pads of Tony’s fingers circled the exerted muscle there in meaningless patterns. 

There wasn’t an inch of his body that wasn’t fucked out and crying for rest, but Loki wasn’t tired. He grinned as he stretched and Tony moved both arms to hold onto him. Tony’s muscles tensed and flexed as Loki’s lithe form stretched against him. 

When Loki relaxed and went still again, Tony let go. His fingers snuck into Loki’s hair. The soft run of nails against his scalp made another little smile quirk up on Loki’s lips. He hummed out a pleased sound, encouraging Tony to keep going. 

“Fuck, Loki,” Tony half-whispered. His voice still sounded wrecked. “You make me so god damn happy.” 

Tony’s fingers slipped back as Loki lifted his head to look at him. His eager, bright green eyes were delighted. They disappeared beneath heavy eyelids as Loki pressed his lips slowly to Tony’s cheek, reveling in the sensation of warm skin beneath his lips as his body eased up along Tony’s for better reach. Tony’s breath passed Loki’s face as Tony’s hands slowly slid down Loki’s naked back. Loki took his time, gradually working each kiss closer to Tony’s mouth. It was thrilling in a way, more dangerous than the other things they did, simply because it was so slow and vulnerable. He’d never wanted to be tender before. It came naturally now. When he finally allowed Tony his mouth, the kiss Tony returned was deep and satisfying. 

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, exploring familiar territory. He’d just decided that he wanted to suck Tony off again when his phone started ringing. Loki slumped down into the crook of Tony’s neck. “Do you need to take that?” 

“No,” Loki said. “Let it ring.” He sucked hard on Tony’s pulse. 

Tony’s hands disappeared from his hair as Loki’s mouth quickly worked its way down his chest, frantic to ignore the ringing phone. Whoever it was had hung up to the voicemail and was calling a second time.

“You sure?” 

“Whoever it is can fucking wait,” Loki said. Tony’s body had gone tense beneath him. Loki set his hands on Tony’s hips. Loki was a perfect picture with his tousled hair and flushed pale skin. The phone went silent. He rubbed his thumbs over Tony’s hipbones. “It’s probably just a telemarketer,” he said, heady as the scent of Tony aroused him when he bent down. Tony groaned, abandoning his concern. Loki heard the chime of a voicemail notification and ignored it. He quickly forgot about it. 

 

A few hours later, Loki and Tony ambled out of a shower they’d just shared, having decided that they might want to get fresh air at some point in the day. It was more that Tony wanted pizza from some place that wouldn’t deliver, but Loki was content with whatever Tony wanted to do. He scrubbed a fluffy white towel through his hair and wandered out into their hotel room, looking for his bag. Tony stayed in the bathroom to touch up his beard. 

Loki knelt down and unzipped his bag for fresh clothes. 

He’d just pulled his shirt over his head when he noticed his phone, stuffed down beside a pair of jeans. He remembered the earlier call. Fully dressed, he held the phone to his ear, leaning against a desk. “Loki,” his mother said. “It’s your mother.” She was making a point of it, that couldn’t be good. “I’m not pleased that you lied to me about Tony Stark.” Loki took a deep breath, his gaze dropping to the ground. “We won’t have this discussion over the phone. I expect you to come by the house this week in the evening. Let me know when to expect you. And you will speak to your father.” She paused. “I will see you then. I love you.” There was no sound when she hung up. The phone simply returned to silence. Tony’s electric razor buzzed in the other room.

A sinking sensation plunged down his chest. Loki felt guilty. He couldn’t help it—justified or not, he always felt guilty lying to his mother. 

His father would be there. Fuck. That could only mean that it would get ugly. 

This wasn’t her simply requesting lunch—that he could handle, that meant she had chosen to deal with it on her own—this had something finite to it. He was sure of it. 

Loki took a deep breath. There was a pressure behind his eyes that he couldn’t stand. He couldn’t think. He only felt dread. He swiped down his contacts list to his mother as Tony’s razor hummed along. There was no point in putting it off. _I’ll be there at five thirty on Tuesday_ he sent. Loki dropped his phone into his pocket. Tony’s razor clattered on the countertop. A hairdryer started. Loki rubbed his hands over his face. 

They checked out tomorrow, on Monday. Tony would be back at work on Tuesday, and Loki would work a shift at the coffeeshop until four thirty and then drive over to his parent’s house. 

He combed his fingers through his hair, pressing his nails into his scalp. It would be bad. 

He wasn’t in the right frame of mind to plan. This weekend with Tony was everything he wanted. He’d been too relaxed and happy to think now. 

Loki shoved his thoughts about Tuesday as far down as they would go. He’d put so much pressure on Tony already. He’d bitched at him about the wedding, and then he’d gone and been the one to initiate a dance that, of course, hadn’t gone unnoticed. Loki doubted that his parents had seen them directly, but someone had probably said something to them about it. There was no point in playing dumb or denying it. 

He couldn’t and he wouldn’t drag Tony into this mess. He’d made it. He’d been the idiot. 

What the fuck was wrong with him? 

For a while he just listened to the hairdryer going, then little clinks against the countertop as Tony moved around in the bathroom. Tony didn’t come out until some time later. He walked into the room with a towel around his waist. Tony paused. 

He gave Loki a look, his expression flitting from easy to astute in an instant. “Something wrong?” 

“No. Why?” Loki replied. 

“Just—” Tony said, eyes flickering to Loki’s chest. “You’ve got your arms crossed like that and you’re frowning.” 

Loki dropped his hands back to the desk. He hadn’t realized that he’d been crossing his arms. “Just hungry I guess,” Loki said. 

“Okay,” Tony said, walking to his suitcase. His voice was skeptical enough but he got dressed without saying anything else. Loki smiled at him when he came over. “Ready?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. 

They left to get dinner.

* * *

Loki sat in his car outside of his parents house, clenching the steering wheel. He stared up at the CDs along the visor. Most of them were mix tapes with his handwriting in sharpie across the fronts. God, he’d fucked things up.

He glanced at the rear view mirror. Nothing. His father wasn’t home yet and his mother was probably sitting inside. He didn’t see any other cars in the driveway. The housekeeper had probably been sent home early so that she wouldn’t witness anything. He’d really, really fucked things up. 

His father would pull up and see Loki’s car sitting there. Just seeing the rundown thing in his pristine driveway would set off a tirade on all the things that Loki had done wrong with his life. 

With that thought in mind, Loki got out and swung the door shut. It slammed in the frame after a rusty squeal. 

He shoved his hands into his leather jacket as he walked up to the front door. His mother had given him this jacket for Christmas two years ago. Maybe he should’ve worn something else. 

He rang the bell and waited. 

A cold breeze blew at his back, the beginning of Autumn. 

The door opened. His mother’s sharp, displeased face greeted him. There were a few dry, frizzed curls against her forehead. The rest were pulled back into a bun. Unhappy crow feet clenched around her eyes as she put on a smile. “Loki,” she said. 

Maybe she would’ve hugged him if he’d given her the opportunity, but he just sort of shuffled through the open door and into the empty hall. “Hello Mum,” he offered. 

“We had apple cider made today,” his mother said, walking past him. “I’ll pour you some.” She lead the way into the kitchen. 

Loki sat down on a barstool at the kitchen counter, away from the table. 

It was a splendid kitchen. It looked like it had come out of a decor magazine, and it probably could have. They’d had multiple interior designers redo it through the years. There were new plates and decorations that he didn’t recognize. 

His mother set a glass in front of him. Her gaze started from him and ran to the table. 

“Come sit at the table,” she said. 

He preferred not to. 

She sat down at the head of the table as he got up and moved. He took one chair down from her, where he’d always sat growing up. Her lips strained at the distance, but she didn’t remark on it. “Loki,” she said kindly. It was that horrible motherly tone that had gotten through to him so many times over the years, especially when he didn’t want it to. He stared at the warm glass in front of him. “Why didn’t you tell me about Tony Stark?” 

“What about him?” Loki asked, picking up the glass and downing some of it. There was too much sugar. 

He made an unpleasant scowl at the taste. “The Hammers said that one of their kids saw you dancing with him, and Norman Osborn wanted to know how long you two had been together. We were asked about it all night.” Loki said nothing. He turned the glass in small circles by pushing with his thumb. “I want to know why you lied to me.” Loki picked at the glass, disturbing the steam and condensation that gathered. “Do you know how embarrassing it was to answer those questions? I didn’t know if I should deny it or not. I didn’t know what you wanted, since you told me that he wasn’t even the sort of person that you liked. I was completely blindsided.” 

Loki glared at the stupid chevron table runner. It was so fucking gaudy and bullshitty. 

“Where do I even start,” she muttered to herself. “Loki,” she said. “What is the situation with you and Tony Stark?” 

“Does it matter?” 

She answered with a seriousness that had a dangerous edge. “You’ve been lying to me, Loki. Tell me if my son was just dancing with a friend, or if he has something he needs to tell me.” 

Loki licked his lips. Irritation and anger and frustration struck hard. “I’m seeing Tony,” he said. He stopped trying to burn a hole into the runner with his glare and snapped his attention to his mother instead. If he really let her in, he’d be letting both of his parents in. He’d jeopardize Tony more. “It has nothing to do with you.” 

It hurt the moment he said it, but it was done.

His mother’s face was impassive, her emotions guarded. “Am I not allowed to know these things?” 

“No,” Loki said. Fuck, that hurt. He hadn’t meant it. He just…he couldn’t give her the upper hand.

His mother set her hands on the table, one over the other. Her voice was so level and calm. He envied it. “You have never expressed any interest in men.” Right. Because he should tell his mother all about how he slept around with whoever he wanted. Like she really needed to hear about him fucking his way through his staff. He’d never told her half of the things he’d done. “Why haven’t you told me?” 

“Why’s it matter?” He asked. 

“It matters because you kept it from me,” she retorted.

Loki was clenching his hands beneath the table so hard that they hurt. “It wasn’t personal,” he said lightly.

“Lying to me isn’t personal?” She asked.

“I wasn’t lying!” Loki exclaimed.

Frigga threw her hands up a bit and then leaned away from the table and into her chair. “Both of my sons are liars,” Frigga said. She ignored Loki as she ruminated over that statement. It clearly vexed her. “I expect this from you, but not from Thor.” 

“Because Thor is so perfect,” Loki said automatically. He was throwing gas on the fire. Stupid, stupid. 

“Thor came to me with Jane and announced their pregnancy. He doesn’t lie to me, Loki. I suppose he didn’t tell me about you and Tony Stark because he's looking out for his baby brother, but he's soft hearted when it comes to you. You’ll always be his baby brother,” she said, so fondly that in Loki’s ears she came off delusional. 

All across his body, his muscles were becoming stiff and tense. His neck pained him. “It wasn’t his to tell,” Loki said. His voice lurched with the words, straining and desperate to say all that he really wanted to say, about how Thor kept things from her just as much as him, and that this was all exactly why he hadn’t told her anyway. He wondered how long he had until his father came home. Maybe he could just concede to her point and get out of here before his father could join in on it. The digital clock on the oven was blurred in his vision. 

“I know Loki,” his mother said soothingly. Fuck, that wasn’t how he’d meant it to be taken at all. Now he’d just made Thor look good.

“Can’t I just date Tony without it becoming everyone’s business?” Loki blurted out. 

“Tony Stark is not just anyone, dear,” Frigga said. “Your father and I rely on the technology from his company to run our banks.” Oh, Tony had known. He’d been right. Loki missed him immensely just then. “He’s on good terms with most of our business partners. This is important.” 

“Because it’s always about business,” Loki said. 

“It’s a business that’s taken care of you,” she said. “It’s a business that you were supposed to be a part of.” 

“Second to Thor.” 

Frigga made a sharp sound of exasperation. “Your brother has made every effort to make his way in the world. You’ve been given every opportunity and are only bitter about it.” 

Loki wanted to scream that Thor was miserable, that he’d watched his older brother turn himself inside out to make things work out of some sense of loyalty, and Loki had made the decision young that he didn’t want that to happen to him. He desperately wanted to point out that he could’ve been everything they wanted, and he still would’ve been second. 

He hadn’t gotten his own life right regardless though, so he stayed silent. 

Frigga’s lacquered nails took Loki’s glass from him. “Would you like more?” 

It was half full. No he didn’t want more. “I’m fine.” 

She set it down. “Tell me about you and Tony, Loki.” 

“No.” 

“Tell me why you kept it from me, Loki.” 

He bit down on his bottom lip. It tasted slightly of some chemical flavor that he couldn’t place. He couldn’t imagine why. Perhaps he’d exposed himself to something at work. He ran his fingertips over the rough fabric of his jeans. He wanted to tell her. God, he wanted to tell her. He was just on the verge of breaking in and saying something when he heard his father walk in. 

His father dumped his bag on the floor and dropped his keys on the counter, kicking off his shoes and leaving them in the middle of the floor. Loki stared at them with an unplaceable sense of rage. Why the fuck couldn’t he just put his own shit away? 

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Loki said quietly, appeasing his mother. The statement meant nothing. 

She’d been watching his father stare at his phone. “Dear,” she prompted. 

His father scrolled through a few more messages. “Let me get a drink,” his father said, heading to the liquor cabinet. Loki listened to the liquid pour, irritation building with every sloshing glug-glug. No one spoke until his father seated himself at the table. 

He’d forgotten how horrible this felt. Just a little while outside of it, and how quickly Loki forgot how much of a trap this table could be. 

His father sat down across from him. Taking a drink, he leaned back into his chair with a revolting sigh, the kind of deep gut sound that was entirely unnecessary. “Loki, would you like to tell your father?” Frigga asked. 

Loki was tightly wound as he sat perfectly still, trying to hold himself in. He just had to play the game. He always fucked himself over by reacting. He answered calmly, but there was nothing kind about his voice. “I’m dating Tony and it’s not up for discussion.” 

It took his father a moment to process that. He shook his head with a scornful huff. “I told you,” he said to Frigga. “He’s been lying to us.” Odin’s voice was already climbing, and they’d hardly started. “He is lazy and obstinate. And now—” He gestured dismissively towards Loki, like he couldn’t bring himself to say something. Loki would tear him apart if he did. 

His father seemed to think better of uttering the slurs that he clearly wanted to say and settled on the old argument instead. “I won’t pay for him to lay around and do whatever he wants like the spoiled brat that he is!” 

Loki ignored every screaming voice in his head telling him to yell back and stood up instead. “Well as much as I enjoy our little talks, I think I’ve had enough—”

“Sit down!”

“Loki,” his mother ordered. He glanced at the padded chair and then, with a horrific sense of defeat, dropped himself back onto it. 

“See? He has no sense of accountability. You’re enabling the boy by paying for his apartment.” Odin spoke directly to Frigga, blatantly ignoring Loki. Loki’s eyes flinched shut, then opened slowly. He’d been nursing the hope that his father hadn’t known about his mother slipping him rent money each month. 

“He’s seeing Tony Stark,” Frigga said to her husband, her voice slightly hushed as if that’d stop Loki from hearing. 

“Which he’s made clear to everyone,” Odin said.

“We can’t let him stay there,” Frigga said quietly. 

“And why not?” Odin asked, loud as ever. 

“Tony Stark cannot see our son in such a place, it makes us look—”

“As if Stark’s boy cares what the place looks like,” Odin cut her off. “He runs around town like a horny stray dog. He’s the last person our son should be hanging around.” Odin declared. “Of all of Thor’s friends, he had to choose the one that’s a reckless animal,” he said with exasperation. 

Loki had expected to hear rotten things said about Tony, but it still knocked him sideways. Hearing his father’s disapproval outright planted a seed of doubt in him that was hard to brush away. Defensive anger roared to life. “Tony is not—” Loki began.

“He’ll end up a drunk just like his father,” Odin said. Loki glared at him, fury boiling in his emerald eyes. “His father slept with every woman in town. He was an alcoholic. He got himself and his own wife killed with his drinking,” Odin said. “His son has made the exact same mistakes,” his father said, his voice climbing again. “Tony Stark got two DWIs and a DUI before graduating. He over dosed and nearly died. Thor rushed to the E.R. for him.” Odin stopped his list abruptly and turned to Frigga. “Thor shouldn’t have let Loki do this,” he said, voice less brash. “He had to have known.” 

“I doubt that Thor would have convinced him not to,” Frigga answered. 

Odin conceded to that while clenching his jaw.

Tony hadn’t told Loki about that. He’d said something about thinking that his parent’s car accident was a murder, well, no, Loki had overheard Steve say that…but Tony hadn’t said anything about an overdose. Or the driving offenses. But he didn’t have to. It wasn’t like it was obligatory, but hearing his parents drop it on him was racking Loki with a sense of uncertainty that didn’t sit well with his fear and anger at all. Maybe he didn’t really know Tony. 

“How long have you been seeing him?” Odin demanded. 

It was more than half a year, maybe, Loki hadn’t been keeping track exactly. It seemed like a curse to. They’d started around Spring, it was Autumn now… “A few months,” Loki said, purposefully vague. This was getting out of control. “I know I have an attitude problem, and can’t keep it together, but you don’t have to worry about Tony. He won’t be a problem. Forget about it. I’ll work harder, I’ll figure things out. I’ll take care of my job.” 

That seemed to appease his father. Instead of yelling, he just receded into a furious expression. Frigga filled in the silence that followed. “Loki, we’ve allowed your behavior to go on long enough.” She seemed to be fighting herself on what to say before speaking. “I can’t be a good mother and allow you to keep living like this. I’m enabling you. We’ve given you every opportunity to be whatever you wish to be. We paid for your culinary school. You can be anything you want if you just try. Start working.” She leveled him with a hard stare. “And your father is right, Tony Stark is not someone that you need to be spending time with.” 

“But it was fine when you thought he was getting me a job,” Loki sniped. 

“As if that’s a crime! That’s how people get employed, Loki, they network! You do nothing! What happened to becoming a chef? You gave up for no good reason! All you've been doing is lying around!” Odin shouted. “And now you’ve gone and made a phase out of Tony Stark! It’s going to be up to us to clean up that mess. Stark’s boy could jeopardize our business if he wanted to, and he’s a fickle thing like you! You haven’t given any thought to your actions or their consequences.You are temperamental, ungrateful, selfish, and spoiled. You have no ambition. Your mother and I have gone to great lengths to take care of you, and you’ve given us nothing but your attitude and entitlement in exchange!” 

Loki took in a deep, shuddering breath. If he lost his shit, they’d throw him out. He had to keep it together, he just had to get through this. His mother spoke in a tone that was meant to shift the conversation. “Making a scene on your brother’s big day instead of telling us that you’d been seeing Tony Stark was petty. Upstaging your brother is not how you handle your jealousy.” 

“I was not trying to upstage Thor!” Loki burst out. He couldn’t believe what he was fucking hearing. Why would he’ve been jealous of Thor? He’d tried not to let his anger win, he really had, but this was too fucking much. “I was just there with my boyfriend like anyone else—”

“Boyfriend,” Odin huffed out.

“Yes!” Loki contradicted him. 

“He’s no more loyal to you than he is to the next person,” Odin said. “He’s not your boyfriend.” 

“Yes! He! Is!” Loki shouted. “You don't know anything about him or me, and I won’t sit here while you talk shit about him!” Oh, that had fucking done it. “You don’t know him! Don't tell me what to do, or who I can or can’t see!” 

“I will tell you to do whatever I please!” Odin yelled back. “I will not be told what to do by a son that takes my money with one hand and spites me with the other!” 

“Right!” Loki shot back. “Because I can’t fucking do anything without worrying about how it’ll effect **you** and **your** business! It’s always about money, not your son! If that’s even what I am to you!” His voice echoed across the high ceilings and out into the hall. “Or am I just another failed investment that you can’t write off!?”

“Loki,” his mother said. 

“No! I’m just an investment that hasn’t paid out like you wanted. Sorry you chose me! Sorry I’m not what you want!” His face was flushing red, he knew it. He set his arms on the table, trying to make his tattoos appear as prominently as possible. 

“Don’t say something you’ll regret,” his mother chided him. 

“I won’t regret it!” 

“Always with the overemotional theatrics,” his father said. “I will not sit here and listen to your childish outbursts. If you can’t control your anger, then you’re not ready to sit at the table.” 

“I never wanted to sit at the table!” 

Odin sighed and looked to his wife. Her eyes were set on Loki with a warning. Loki stood up. “If you’re going to cut me off, for fuck’s sake, get on with it.” 

“Loki,” his mother growled out.

His father said something to his mother that sounded as if he’d said it a thousand times before. “He needs to see what the real world’s like to appreciate what he has.” 

Frigga drummed her fingers along the table with a solemn expression, thinking that over. “Will you not consider a therapist?” She asked Loki.

“Only if it’s to deal with you,” Loki shot back. His mother looked as though she’d been struck. She hid it quickly, but he still felt like shit for it. 

“If that is how you feel,” she said. 

Loki stood there, shaken and furious, uncertain of what to say and waiting on their judgment. 

Frigga glanced over at her husband. She curled her hands against her chin, thinking. When she came to her answer, she spoke solemnly. “I won’t pay your rent any longer.” 

The room started to tunnel in slightly. Loki’s mind raced with quick fixes and alternatives. He’d figure something out. He’d figure something out.

“We still love you Loki,” his mother said. “I just think this is what’s best for you.” She set her hands in her lap. “Maybe in a few months we can revisit this.”

Loki wasn’t sure he could say anything without bursting into tears. His face was twitching with a compulsive urge to break down. He steeled himself harder. This was how he always fucked himself over, crying. He needed to get the fuck over it. He was overemotional and too quick to anger. If he’d just planned this out better, he would’ve been fine. 

“Fine,” he gritted out. 

His lip was twitching, it was probably obvious. He held his hand against his mouth to hide it. 

“If you reconsider working for your father’s company—” his mother began to offer. 

“He’ll have to earn it like anyone else,” his father said. 

Loki turned around, his back to them. He couldn’t fucking lose his shit. His throat was clenching and closing up. He sucked in a hard breath. He took a step towards the door. 

“Loki,” his mother said. “Talk to us.” 

“Fuck off!” Loki barked out. 

He went for the door, ignoring the sound of a chair scraping across the floor as someone got up. He heard his father say, “you know you can’t reason with him when he’s angry.” 

He was angry. He was furious. And more with himself than them. He hurried his pace towards the front door, nearly running. He yanked the door open and slammed it so hard that the wreath fell off the front. He left the ring of artfully arranged leaves on the concrete and climbed into the car before his emotions could overpower him. He threw on the radio and sped out of the drive. When his headlights hit the house he saw that the wreath was still on the ground, the door unopened. 

He turned up the sound and rolled down the windows so that he couldn’t hear his own pathetic hiccups. He brushed his hand across his face mechanically, wiping the salty water off on his jeans. They were fucking right. 

Normal people didn’t do this. 

This was what he deserved. He’d failed, he’d never earned their respect or approval, and he’d made a mess of everything. 

He was going to have to figure out what to do now. He could put the rent on a credit card for a while, maybe get a second and third job, keep it secret. Fuck, he couldn’t believe she’d said that Tony couldn’t see his apartment—but she was right, of course. God, he let Tony into that apartment with him. Tony had to be disgusted. That’s why he wanted to stay at his own apartment and not Loki’s. Maybe they were right. Maybe Tony was just using him until someone better came along. What did Loki possibly have to offer him anyway? 

Tony was bound to get bored of the sex eventually. 

His mind flashed to Thor. Thor was in the Bahamas with Jane. Why the fuck did he have to go on his honeymoon now? Loki nearly laughed at himself. Of course Thor was on his honeymoon, what the hell was wrong with him? He couldn’t be upset with Thor for that.

He wondered what Thor would say about Tony. His parents weren’t right, they were just assholes, right? Thor would know.

Loki pushed that thought away as he sped home. 

When he got to his apartment, he crawled into his bedsheets. Upstairs, the parrot was screaming. A fresh wave of tears bubbled up at the thought of never hearing that stupid fucking parrot anymore if he couldn’t fix this. He’d miss that goddamn bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to go ahead and post this one instead of editing it within an inch of its life. I'd love to hear what your hopes for them are and what you're thinking. :)


	24. Chapter 24

A few days went by. Thor wasn’t back from his honeymoon yet. Loki was counting the days. 

He stretched out on the couch, nervous and frayed. He’d managed to pick a few hours off one of the high school students that was fretting over tests. Spending more time at the coffee house was good in the sense that it occupied him, but they were miserable hours. He watched the clock only to come home and agonize.

He’d sent resumes to any and everything, just like he had before. So far nothing had come through, but he would settle for the first thing that did come. He’d opened a couple of credit cards for payments that were a little bit away.

The thought of taking a chef’s position in a kitchen made his chest seize with a panic that felt inescapable, but he sent out applications anyway. 

He was picking at a loose thread on the couch when his phone rang. “Loki?” Tony asked, somewhat frantic in his ear. Loki sat up. 

“What is it?”   All of the horrible visions of what his parents could’ve done to Tony’s company flashed through his mind. “It’s—I—there’s this thing at work and it’s kind of freaking me out. I mean, it’s fine, I know that, but some of the guys working on processor designs thought it would be funny to imitate my beard and cut their beards like mine to give me shit, and it is funny, I get that, but you don’t think—do you think I should change my beard?” Loki went from dread to relief in a heartbeat. He smiled, almost crying. His head dipped down as he took a breath.

“No,” he said soothingly. “I think it looks fine.” 

Loki’s own words calmed him. Tony’s voice went down a few notches. “Really? Because if you like it I’ll keep it, but if it makes me look like an ass, you have to tell me.” 

“It’s very you,” Loki said. “That’s not a bad thing.” 

“What’s that mean?” Tony asked, sounding far more uncertain than accusing. 

“It means I like it,” Loki said. He paused, grinning a bit. “Maybe not the beard burn it can give me, but…” Loki’s voice drifted off. 

“Shit. Yeah. That’s a problem.” 

“Keep it,” Loki said. 

“Thanks. I—just needed to hear that, thanks. I started thinking about it, and the anxiety, it’s—”

“It’s fine,” Loki said. He switched the phone to his other ear and leaned in against the couch. “How’re things going?” 

“So good,” Tony answered. “The tablet’s blown our sales projections through the roof. And that’s saying something, because I already told you people were camping out for it. It’s so good, Lokes. We’re expanding it into all these markets, it’s just great. It’s giving me time to work on other projects. Fun projects. The kinds of things I don’t have time for when we’re busy with commercial stuff.” Loki brushed his fingers over the couch fabric. It felt good to have Tony chatting away in his ear again. “I’m actually sitting in the lab right now. I made a little timer reminder for myself so that I don’t spend too much time in here and freak you out. I don’t want to be an ass.” 

“You’re not an ass.” 

“You say that now,” Tony said. Loki grinned. “How’re you?” 

“Fine,” Loki said. “I’ve just been working a lot of hours.” 

The line was quiet for a moment. “God, I’ve missed you this week,” Tony said. “I didn’t want to go back to work after the weekend,” he said lightly. “That was one of the best weekends of my life.” 

“Are you still sore?” 

Tony laughed. “You know it,” he answered. “Look,” he said suddenly. “I’ve got this clean energy conference this weekend. It’s in town, but I’ve got a lot of ass kissing on the schedule to try and get the arc reactor some better support. I can’t do anything this weekend, but do you want to get together next weekend? I want to take you to this restaurant downtown. They’ve got killer shawarma that I’ve been hearing about. I want to try it with you.” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. His face felt stiff as he smiled. Tony couldn’t see him, and he was still forcing the damn thing. “That sounds good.” He tried not to feel too disappointed about the weekend break. He’d been looking forward to being around Tony after what had happened. 

Spending weeknights at Tony’s was too hard when he worked the next morning, and Loki was working mornings most of the time. 

“I want to get your culinary stamp of approval on it,” Tony said. It was friendly, but a little earnest too. 

“We’ll see about that,” Loki said. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. Loki could almost hear his smile. “Okay, I’ve gotta go, I want to finish this coding before I get into work tomorrow. Talk to you later?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Bye.” 

“Bye.” Loki hung up and cupped the phone between his hands, staring at his kitchen. He started thinking about all of the chocolate bars that Tony had brought him. He didn’t know why it was coming back to him now, but he let the memory play as long as it would. Eventually he stood up and went to his bedroom. He read until he fell asleep. 

 

The weekend came and went. Loki got a series of texts from Tony, but that was all. There were no calls for job interviews that week. There was a missed call from his mother, but he never returned it and there was no voicemail. 

The next week crawled by. Loki kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but everything from Tony was sunny. He was obsessed with the projects in his lab. They met up for shawarma and had dinner. Loki let Tony lead the conversations and initiated sex the moment they got to Tony’s house. He didn’t spend the night. He blamed it on work but spent the next morning laying in bed in his apartment, watching youtube videos. 

Finally, finally, Thor was supposed to be back. He waited until lunchtime to call, knowing that Thor would’ve returned to work Monday. “Hello?” Thor asked, modestly curious.

“Hey. How was your trip?” Loki asked. 

“Great,” Thor said. “Hey, Loki, I want to talk to you, but there’s a lot going on at work. A lot happened while I was gone. I’m trying to catch up.” Loki didn’t doubt that Thor was working through lunch, but he also knew that Thor was putting him off if he was just calling for the hell of it. 

“Thor. Mum and Dad know about me and Tony dating. Can you check on their accounts?” 

“Why would I need to do that?” Thor asked, both weary and alert. 

“They’re pissed. I don’t want them to take it out on Tony’s company. You’ve got to check for me, you know what they’re like.” 

Thor was quiet for a few seconds. He sighed. “I don’t think much of Tony’s money is kept with their company. Even if it was, his sales are so high on that tablet, they could bankrupt him and he’d be back to normal in a few weeks.” There was the sound of a pen dropping on a large stack of paper. “They can’t do that, of course. I wouldn’t worry about it.” 

“They said I’ll ruin things with Tony and then Tony’ll wreck their business. They won’t sit around and wait. Thor, you’ve got to look, he has to have investments somewhere—”

“Loki,” Thor said placatingly. Loki stopped, momentarily startled. He realized that he had been on a tirade. “Tony and Mum and Dad are all in business. They won’t do something brash. They understand money. It’d be bad politics to start something for both sides. When did you see Mum and Dad?” 

“A couple weeks ago, right after you left. They, I had an outburst. They cut me off.” 

Thor sucked in a breath. Somewhere in the background there was a knock at a door and the sound of things being placed on a desk. “I can’t talk about this over the phone,” Thor said. “Can you come over to the house tonight?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. He was twisting his shirt with his free hand. 

Thor paused like he wanted to say more, and Loki heard more indistinct sounds in the background. “I’ll see you around eight,” Thor promised. 

“Okay,” Loki said. “Bye.” 

“See you then,” Thor said. Loki was the first to hang up. He dropped his phone back into his pocket and slipped out of the empty coffee house kitchen with a milk crate under his arm as though he’d simply been retrieving it.

* * *

The porch lights were on at Thor’s house when Loki pulled up. It was Jane’s house, now both of theirs. Thor had finally officially moved out of his apartment. Loki parked in the drive and walked up to the front door, tucking his chin down into his scarf and keeping his cold hands in his pockets. Thor's face was pained with worry when he answered. “Come on in,” Thor said. Loki followed him to the living room.

“Hi Loki,” Jane said, looking up from something she was knitting. There were holes and knots in it. The pink yarn ball had dropped onto the floor at some point. 

“How was your honeymoon?” Loki asked politely. 

“Lovely,” Jane said, setting the knitting project aside. She rose from the couch with a casual smile. Loki realized that she was starting to show. “I’d love to talk about it, but there’re a few stars I’m charting. I need to get back to them before they move.” She smiled warmly at him and then over at Thor, in a way that was only decipherable between couples. She disappeared upstairs as Loki remembered that it was overcast outside. 

Thor took her place on the couch. He picked up the knotted mess with a sigh. “She’s hates this stuff, but she’s determined to do it.” Thor said. He moved the project over to the arm rest. Loki took a seat across from him on a sofa. “I think she feels obligated.” The plush sofa sank beneath Loki like it might swallow him. “Would you like something to drink?” 

“No,” Loki said, shaking his head. 

Thor was quiet for a moment. He looked tired, but only in a temporary way. He leaned forward with his hands clasped in front of him, under his chin. “What happened?” 

“Mum called and told me to come over to see her and Dad,” Loki said. He’d been rehearsing this in his head, trying to find a way to make it as succinct as possible. “They were pissed that I hadn’t told them about me and Tony. We danced at the wedding and a few people saw,” Loki informed him. Thor shrugged, apparently unimpressed with what Loki considered to be a significant point. He licked his lips. “They told me I’d ruin their business when I eventually piss Tony off.” Loki said the last bit staring at the coffee table between them. 

“I don’t think you’re going to piss Tony off,” Thor said gently. He rubbed his chin, thinking. “Why do they think that Tony would impact their business?” 

Loki didn’t have an immediate answer. “It’s politics,” he said as if he knew, but really he was guessing. “I think they’re worried that he’d turn some of their partners against them, or turn his technology against them.” 

“What do they think he’s going to do, hack them?” Thor asked incredulously. 

Loki smiled a bit. It had seemed stupid to him too, but it felt good to hear someone else say it. “I guess,” Loki said. 

The idea seemed to piss Thor off, but he kept it in his head. He was half in analytical work mode, and half the older brother that Loki knew and recognized. The combined process was a tiny bit fascinating to watch. “Tony wouldn’t jeopardize their banks by altering his technology. It would ruin his company’s reputation. He doesn’t have to stoop low,” Thor decided. 

Loki turned that over for a few seconds. “But he would jeopardize their business contacts,” Loki said, partially asking. 

Thor made an expression somewhere between amusement and reason. “He may not spare a few words here or there about them if he was asked directly,” Thor said. “Especially if he’s angry about what they’ve said to you. What did he say after you went over there?” 

“I haven’t told him about it,” Loki said. 

Thor gave him a look that he wasn’t comfortable with. Loki’s eyes darted elsewhere. “Why not?” Thor asked.

“It’s fine,” Loki said, trying to soothe Thor’s disapproval. “I’ve told him that they wouldn’t approve before, it’s not exactly like it would be a surprise. And anyway,” he said, hurrying to get somewhere new in the conversation because it seemed like Thor was about to say something, “I needed to talk to you. I don’t like what they could do, Thor, they could do the exact same things they’re afraid of to make a point to me.” 

“I don’t think they’d do that,” Thor said honestly. 

“Why not?” Loki asked, half-rhetorical. 

“Because when it comes down to it, there’s still a line. You’re their son. They wouldn’t spite Tony just to get at you. They know that would blow up in their faces in more ways than one. Besides,” Thor said, trying a different approach when he saw that line of reason didn’t sway Loki, “it would be very bad business for them to antagonize Stark Industries. Screwing Tony out of a few thousand dollars here and there isn’t going to impact him much and would only ruin a relationship that’s been profitable for them. I’ve known Tony since we worked together. They’ve had that connection a long time.” 

“When you worked at the think tank?” Loki asked, combing his fingers back into his hair. 

“Yes,” Thor said. 

He was staring at Loki with that critical look again. Loki could only imagine what someone on the witness stand felt like. He wasn’t unsettled though. He still felt absolutely comfortable because he knew his brother. “Dad said something else,” Loki said. He was going to have to shove this out of himself. His chest pulled tight as he worked up to it. “He said Tony’s got a couple DWIs and a DUI from college.” Loki had both of his hands on his knees. He squeezed. “…and he said you went to the E.R. with him when he overdosed.” 

It had been wracking Loki’s brain and fucking him up. He’d been imaging Tony on the brink of death in a hospital somewhere, alone and helpless without him for the past two weeks. 

“I got him off on one of the DWI charges and the DUI. I couldn't do anything for him on the first DWI,” Thor said, like he should’ve been able to. “He told the officer he was drunk on tape repeatedly and I didn’t have much to work with.” 

Loki brushed his fingers over his other hand, massaging a few with his thumb. 

“And I didn’t take him to the E.R.,” Thor said, unbearably serious suddenly. “That was Steve.” Loki’s whole body seized with dread for a second. “Steve found him. He called me and everyone else to come to the E.R. that night.” Thor leaned in closer to Loki. “Tony didn’t handle his parents’ passing well,” Thor said. “But that’s probably something that he should tell you about.” 

Loki shook his head. “I know,” he said. “I—it doesn’t matter. He told me college was hard for him.” Loki went from aching to angry in a second as he recalled his father’s words. “Father just made it sound like I don’t know him.”

“Are you worried about it?” 

Loki looked up at the question. It was so direct. He hadn’t expected it. Thor held his stare. “About what?” Loki asked. 

“You didn’t know about the overdose?” Thor asked, clarifying. Loki shook his head. “Does finding out about the overdose make you feel that you don’t know Tony?” 

God. Thor with the direct fucking lawyer questions. Loki’s gaze dropped back down to the coffee table. He didn’t know what he was supposed to think about it. It was just sitting there inside of him, pecking away at him like all of the other ideas that had been placed there. It wasn’t like he was mad at Tony about it or anything, it just made him—he was just having trouble processing it. 

He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like Tony was the first person he’d ever met to OD. 

“He said that Tony’s just a phase and that Tony would end up just like his father,” Loki said. “He doesn’t think that Tony will stay with me.” 

Thor’s body clenched with muscles that ached to be used but had to be restrained. He changed his seated position twice before speaking. “Tony,” Thor said. He took a breath. “Tony is not his father,” Thor said strongly. “And everyone saying that he is is half of his problem—” Thor cut himself off, reining himself in. “Tony,” Thor said more calmly, “has been doing so well.” Thor closed his eyes for a second, pulling himself together. “Do you think Tony’s just a phase?” 

“No,” Loki answered. 

“Then he’s not,” Thor said. “And—and father cannot say such things to you. He does not know Tony as I do. Tony is a good man and a good friend. He is loyal and easily the most resilient man I know.” Thor rubbed his face and sat back. “Tony may be wounded in some places, and his anxiety may get the better of him occasionally, but he’s a good person. He’s come a longer way than most people. I admire him.” Loki had had no idea. “Tony’s worked incredibly hard to put his life back together. He’s done the work. He’s improved himself just as he improves his machines.” Thor scratched his chin. “Bruce would probably know better than anyone how hard Tony worked to put his life back together. He helped Tony through a lot.” Thor relaxed suddenly. “To be honest, Tony can get on my nerves sometimes, but I still admire him.” 

Loki surprised himself by smiling. “He knows that he gets on your nerves.” 

Thor grinned. “I imagine he would.” If the conversation had been lighter, he might have laughed. “You look happier with Tony, Loki,” he said, advising instead. “I haven’t seen you look this happy in years. It’s good on you.” Thor paused. His gaze wandered over Loki for a second. “It’s changed you a bit.” 

“I just got a haircut,” Loki said. 

“Don’t be a smart ass,” Thor answered. He grinned, shaking his head dismissively and rolling his eyes. “Is it so bad that you two are good for each other?” 

“No,” Loki said, just as he got the sense that it was a question that wasn't expecting an answer. 

“Loki,” Thor said. “Don’t let Mum and Dad scare you off of this. That’s just how they are. They did any and everything to put me off of Jane.” Loki took a deep breath. He didn’t want to be like Jane and Thor, fighting for years to keep a relationship that should’ve been approved from the start. Thor reached across the coffee table and patted Loki’s shoulder. Loki let the hand stay on his stiff shoulder. It eased some of the tension in his chest. 

“You said they cut you off,” Thor said. “Are you going to be able to cover your rent this month?” 

“No,” Loki said, shame faced. Thor squeezed his shoulder before letting go. 

“I’ll cover it,” Thor said. 

“No,” Loki said. “Thor, you can’t. You’ve got a baby on the way. You and Jane can’t take care of me.” Just then he heard Jane come down the stairs. Loki dropped his voice lower as Jane opened a cabinet in the adjoining kitchen. “It’s my fault that things are like this. I’ll figure it out. I don’t want you to take care of me. I hate being taken care of.” 

“Loki, what are you going to do?” Thor asked. “You can’t afford it. Let me help you.” A pill bottle rattled as Jane shook some medicine into her hand. 

“I’ll put it on a card,” Loki said. “It’s just rent money. I can handle it. You've got a baby coming, Thor, you have to prioritize.” 

“I’m not going to let you put it on a credit card, Loki. You should know better than that.” Thor crossed his arms. “You can pay me back when you work something out if it bothers you that much, but I really don’t expect it.” 

Jane stepped away from the kitchen. “Loki,” she said from the doorway. “We’re fortunate. I’m a tenured professor with some of the highest research funding in the state and Thor’s a lawyer. Thor and I can afford to buy this kid ten bouncy swings and a bear that plays ocean sounds. My parents could barely keep a diaper on me.” She took a drink from the water glass in her hand. “Hell, we could pay the kid’s college tuition right now if we wanted to. So don’t worry about rent money. We can help you. We _want_ to help you.” 

“I really can’t,” Loki said. He didn’t feel okay outright arguing with Jane. There was a level of politeness he felt that he had to maintain. Jane rolled her eyes and walked over to a desk. She yanked open a drawer and started looking for something. 

“Loki,” Thor said. “I used to think that Mum and Dad were right about things, but I was wrong.” He rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. “I don’t like seeing them manipulate you about Tony.” Over at the desk, Jane went very still. “I don’t want you to think you’re going to lose Tony over this. Nothing’s going to happen between their businesses. You’re free to see Tony however you want. It’s not their business.” He took a deep breath. “Take the rent money. We can figure things out one step at a time.” 

“That’s what I always say,” Jane said lightly, walking over to them. 

“You’re who I got that from,” Thor said. Jane smiled. There was a slip of paper in her hand. 

“Here,” she said, extending her hand out to Loki. “That’s for this month’s rent. Take it.” 

“Jane, I—”

“Take it. And cash it tomorrow,” she said, shoving it into Loki’s hand. “If you don’t, I’ll be pissed, and you don’t want to piss off a pregnant woman—” She clutched her stomach for show. 

“Take it,” Thor said firmly, giving Loki a final push. His face turned bright red when he saw what she’d written on the check.

“My rent’s only—”

“Uh-uh,” Jane cut him off. “That’s rent and groceries and a phone bill and utilities, I know what making ends meet is like. My dad was out injured for a year growing up, and one parent’s income wasn’t enough. My mom worked a lot.” She leaned her elbows against the couch. 

“How’re you feeling?” Thor asked Jane, distracted by some concern. 

“Fine,” Jane said. “Just a headache.” With a crumpled sense of defeat and shame, Loki folded the check and stuck it inside of his pocket. “Did you show him any of our vacation photos?” 

“Not yet,” Thor said. 

“I’ve got some on my phone,” Jane said, walking around the couch and sitting down next to Thor. He carefully moved to hold her, as if she was porcelain. She elbowed him a little in retaliation. It was so subtle that Loki nearly missed it. “Here,” she said, flipping open a photo album and handing the phone over to Loki. 

He listened to their stories about their honeymoon for a long while after, until Jane was trying to hide her yawning and Thor was slouching over. They both kept starting another story about their vacation whenever Loki made an excuse to leave, but eventually they gave in. Thor told Jane she looked tired and to get some sleep, but it was clear that Thor was just using that as an excuse to be alone with Loki. Knowingly, Jane excused herself with a goodbye and disappeared upstairs. Thor walked Loki to the door. 

“Thor,” Loki said. “You really didn’t have to do this. I didn’t come over here to get a check, I came over here because I wanted you to check on Tony—”

“I know,” Thor said. He smiled as if he was almost proud. It was utterly confusing. 

Loki opened his mouth but wasn’t sure what to say. Thor hugged him. Loki didn’t fight him. It felt like the best times when they were growing up, when Thor would sit in his bedroom and give him advice about a grownup world that he wasn’t ready for yet. He hugged Thor back. 

“Drive home safe,” Thor said. 

“I will,” Loki said, taking a step back towards the open door. His ears hurt with the cold night air. Thor smiled at him and then waved goodbye as Loki started down the walkway. When he got into his car, Thor watched him from the open door until he pulled out of the driveway. The golden house light disappeared behind the door as it shut.

Feeling oddly settled, Loki drove home.

* * *

The next day, Loki anxiously deposited the check in the bank. He went ahead and paid his rent. After work he sent off more resumes and checked his e-mail to find a few rejections. Tony texted him that he was _in lab_ and didn’t call.

When Loki woke up for work the next morning, there was a _good night_ text waiting from Tony from three in the morning. 

_Didn’t you mean good morning? ;)_ He sent back and went off to work. It was an easy monotony. He wiped down counters, took orders, and listened to his boss complain about a sister that had been visiting. When Loki went home, he sat on the couch and watched TV while eating a large bowl of mac and cheese that he’d made. 

It was getting late. The shorter days and cold weather made time seem longer. He tugged up his hoodie and ate another heaping forkful as a laugh track played on the TV. Suddenly he heard knocking. He looked back over his shoulder at the door. It started again. 

With a hissy sigh he set the bowl on his couch. It was probably one of his fucking neighbors there to complain or try to mooch something off of him. He yanked open the door. 

“Tony?” His eyebrows pinched inward. Tony wasn’t supposed to be here. He looked…not good, that was for sure. “What’s wrong?” He asked, stepping back. God, if his parents had done something, he would fucking lose it. Tony looked at him, jaw clenched shut and body wound up. He walked past Loki and into the apartment. 

Tony paused between the couch and the kitchen, seemingly deciding where to go. “Tony,” Loki said, somewhat nervously. Maybe that thing with the engineers at work had gone down badly. But Tony’s beard looked the same as always, so maybe that wasn’t it. Tony sat down on the empty part of the couch without Loki’s bowl. 

Loki considered his options for a second. He turned around and locked the door, using the action to buy time to think. His heart was starting to pound a little too fast. 

Loki walked slowly back to the couch. He took his bowl and dropped it on the coffee table before sitting down. He grabbed the remote and switched off the TV. Carefully, he studied Tony. He was dressed in his suit from work. His posture and expression were a mixture of anxiety and anger. Tony stared at him without speaking. Then he blurted out his question. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say a quick thank you. I love hearing all your different perspectives! I know, evil author, leaving this at a cliffhanger, but this chapter could’ve written itself. I promise to have the next one up when I can! :) I love hearing about what you're thinking and what you're anticipating.


	25. Chapter 25

Loki stared point blank at Tony, trying to process his words. Tony huffed out a breath, his eyes darting across the room, settling anywhere but Loki. He scratched his hand against his beard. Loki still hadn’t said anything. “God, Loki, you just—” Tony shook his head, clenching his jaw again. 

“What’s wrong?” Loki asked, heart pounding. He’d known that things would go to shit eventually. He’d been trying so fucking hard to keep everything under control, it was only natural that it would blow up in his face eventually. 

“You didn’t tell me,” Tony said. “After all the shit I tell you, you didn’t even think once about telling me.” Tony blinked hard, holding it for a second. His fists pressed down on his thighs as he sat awkwardly on the couch. “I mean, I get it, you’re scared of your parents, but damn Loki, I need you too.” 

“What did they do?” Loki asked. He was terrified to ask, but he had to know. He could correct Tony on the being scared part later. He needed to know what they’d done so that he could figure out how to fix it right now.

Tony huffed out another breath, smiling unpleasantly this time. The look in his eyes when they settled on Loki was unbearable. “They didn’t do anything.” 

“I don’t understand,” Loki said, becoming annoyed. Tony should just be fucking out with it if he was going to act like this. Maybe he was just anxious about something and not making any sense. 

“Thor called me yesterday to have lunch today,” Tony said. “I knew it had to be about you, we don’t just go out to lunch!” Loki’s eyes widened a fraction, but he remained motionless. “I was worried fucking sick. I thought he was going to chew me out over something I’d done to you, and I was wracking out my brain trying to figure out what it was. I barely slept.” Tony yanked at the knot in his tie, tugging it loose. 

“What did you talk about?” Loki asked carefully. He needed to know exactly what he was going to tear Thor apart over. 

“You,” Tony said. “How worried he is about you. How I had no fucking idea,” he tilted his head a fraction and stared blatantly at Loki in an unspoken reprimand. 

“It was none of Thor’s fucking business—”

“No,” Tony said. “It wasn’t.” He crossed his arms. “That’s why he only told me bits and pieces.” Loki began getting the sense that he was in deep shit. It crept in with a more ominous feeling than when he’d thought that Tony was just going to dump and leave him. 

Loki jammed his hands down into his hoodie pocket. “What did he tell you?” 

“That your asshole father told you about the DWIs and my overdose.” 

Tony started fussing with getting his tie off again. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Loki said. “You’re not obligated to tell me.” Tony yanked his tie off and dropped it onto the floor.

“What if I want to?” Tony countered. 

“Then you can,” Loki said, as if it had been obvious. 

“But you can’t tell me stuff?” 

“Tony,” Loki said, barely keeping from rolling his eyes. His hands tugged the fabric of his hoodie taut over his chest. “Yeah. My father’s an asshole. He says terrible shit about everyone. Why should I repeat it to you?” For fuck’s sake, why’d Tony have to be a masochist like that? He didn’t need to hear about it.

“Because you should!” Tony exclaimed. “Because you got cut off from your parents and didn’t even tell me about it! You just acted like everything was fine! That’s—I can’t have you keep things from me, Loki, I don’t even know what you want out of this anymore—” Tony bit on his lip, just as a glossy shine came over his eyes. A flush crawled into his cheeks. 

“I deserved it,” Loki said. “I wasn’t going to cry to you about something that’s my fault. I lost my temper.” Tony was watching him now, paying close attention. “It wasn’t about you. I fucked up and I needed to get over it and just take care of things for once instead of depending on someone else. I—I shouldn’t have even danced with you at the wedding. It’s my fucking fault. I knew better.” 

Tony shook his head, sharply and compulsively. “No,” he said. “It’s not your fucking fault. I danced with you.” He took a deep, shaky breath. His voice lost none of its force. “And your fucked up parents disapproving isn’t the whole reason that you didn’t tell me about it.” 

“Do you really want to hear about it?” Loki snapped. “My father told me I’d ruin his business by pissing you off when you got finished with me. He told me that I was lazy and spoiled rotten, and that they were embarrassed that you saw me in this shabby apartment because it makes them look bad. Happy?” Loki asked. His tongue may have been sharp, but his mind was careening side to side. This had to be it. It was going to be over between them. “Did you really want to hear about how my own parents think I’m not good enough for you?” 

“I’m the one person that could’ve told you that’s not true!” Tony exclaimed. 

Loki’s mouth dropped open. He quickly closed it. He pressed his lips shut, ignoring the pressure behind his eyes. He stared at a dusty poster on the wall. “No, I—have nothing to offer,” he said. “They’re right. I—” He couldn’t say that he dragged Tony into this fucking apartment all the time and burdened him with his stupid shit. That would just be burdening Tony. And he refused to repeat the shit that his father had said about Tony. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were cut off?” Tony asked, a bit more gently. “I mean, you can’t be making it work with a part time job at that coffee shop.” 

“Because,” Loki said, the dam inside of him finally breaking. Everything he’d been holding in burst out, his resolve crushed. “I didn’t want you to think that I was trying to take advantage of you!” As exasperated as it sounded, there was a painful whine that cracked across the words too. “I—I think I might be fucking in love with you,” his hands went to his face without him even thinking about it. Inked fingers hid his eyes as he spoke. “I was just supposed to be a one night stand but instead I’ve dragged you into this mess, with my fucked up family, and me, and not having a job, and I was just trying to take care of it, I didn’t think you’d get pissed—” Loki felt Tony’s unbearably hot hands wrap around his wrists. He flinched, jolting his hands. Tony’s hands guided Loki’s wrists away from his face. Loki gave him a poisonous glare with his red rimmed eyes. 

Tony’s face had that soft, expressive quality back to it again. “Really?” He asked, voice normal.  

“Yes!” Loki hissed with anger. He’d just fucking said it, hadn’t he?

“You’re in love with me, or you think you’re in love with me?” Tony asked, completely serious. 

Loki stared at him. It was too much. He glanced away. He could hear Tony breathing, just a bit too fast to be his regular rate. Tony hadn’t let go of his wrists. “I am,” Loki pushed out. “I love you, okay?” Loki said with a mixture of defeat and honesty. He yanked his wrists back. Tony’s hands went limp. His entire body collapsed with relief. 

“Oh,” Tony said, letting out a huge breath. He brushed a flat hand back through his hair. The messy ends stood right back up. “God,” he said, pulling in another breath. Loki couldn’t move. He was frozen as he watched Tony struggle. Tony wiped his hand over his mouth, his eyes getting glossy again. He let out another breath and smiled, pressing his hand to his chest. “God, it’s just—when I found out how you didn’t tell me, I thought—maybe you just thought of me as a fling, and I was—putting way too much pressure on you.” Tony smiled, staring down at the couch, his lip quavering. “That’s good, because—” He blinked, his shoulders dropping down. “I’ve kind of been in love with you this whole time.” 

Loki quickly wiped his hands over his face. “The whole time?” He asked, teasing a little. 

Tony grinned. “Not the whole time,” he admitted. Then he was really grinning. “But I think I figured it out before you. I _am_ a genius.” 

Loki kicked at Tony’s knee. That Tony was still wearing his shoes caught Loki’s attention just as Tony laughed. “That’s good,” Tony said lightly, digging into his suit. He stood up from the couch. 

“Where are you going?” Loki asked. 

“Just getting some water,” Tony said, rattling an orange pill bottle in explanation. Tony seemed to need to get up and move, but Loki needed to sink back into the couch as exhaustion overwhelmed him. He sank back against the couch arm, his hands in his pockets, and tipped his head back as he closed his eyes. He listened to Tony fill a glass in the kitchen. 

Tony returned and sat back down on the couch. He set his feet on Loki’s coffee table, avoiding the bowl of mac and cheese. “Are you okay?” Loki asked quietly, in the way he always did. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “My head’s fine, my body just needs to catch up. I’m just cutting down some of the symptoms,” Tony dismissed it. Loki knew that Tony didn’t want to talk about it so he didn't push. They were quiet for a moment. Loki desperately wanted to crawl into bed and fall asleep. 

“You know,” Tony said. “You can’t keep things to yourself when something’s wrong. It’s like—how many times do I have to ask, you know?” 

“I honestly—I just honestly never thought about how you’d feel about it if I didn’t tell you,” Loki said. “It didn’t occur to me. I just knew that if you found out you’d get hurt.” 

“By what your dad said?” 

Loki watched Tony take a drink from the water glass. “I was just trying to keep things under control.” He stared down at his socks. “I guess I have a control issue.” Tony reached over and rubbed his shoulder for a second before letting go. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Maybe.” Tony’s glass clinked as he set it down. 

“I’ll work on it,” Loki promised.

Tony stayed quiet, turning something over in his head. Loki was too exhausted to think, though the current of worry was still strong within him. “Why do you hide that you’re—do I make you feel like I think you’re trying to take advantage of me?” 

Loki breathed in slowly. He glanced at the cold mac and cheese. He was still hungry, but he was too overwrought to eat. “It’s something you’re afraid of,” Loki said when he couldn’t muse over the bowl anymore. He spoke with compassion. It was something he’d thought about and analyzed before. “I don’t think it’s me, particularly.” Loki scratched his cheekbone. “When we first started seeing each other, you didn’t let me walk around your house alone. I know you—have trouble with it.” Tony rubbed the back of his neck and slumped forward a bit, staring at the coffee table. “I know you said you had trouble with it in the past.” 

Tony nodded his head a little. “I guess I—” It seemed like a new realization, if Tony’s face was anything to go by. His words drifted off. 

“It’s not like I can argue,” Loki said. There was a level of detachment to his voice, turning it cold and logical. “I can’t keep it together and I’ve been depending on my parents. I don’t have anything to offer you.” 

“Loki, you’re not your job!” Tony exclaimed. “That’s—yeah, that’s the other thing—how can you sit here and say you have nothing to offer me? Do you know how much I depend on you? How much better you make my life? I’m not some asshole that only cares about how much money you make. Do you think that little of me?” 

“No,” Loki said quickly. Tony looked like he was on the verge of tears again suddenly, and Loki was quick in trying to soothe that. “I don’t think you’re an asshole or that you think like that. I just think you—I don’t think it’s personal, but you’re afraid of people using you because they have before. And I don't want to make you feel that way. I don’t want you to think that about me.”

Tony frowned, his face pinched as he thought. “I—yeah. Okay.” He put his feet on the floor. “But would you—if you were in a jam—would you ask me for help?” 

Loki shook his head minutely. “I hate depending on other people.” His chest was getting tight again. “It’s bad enough that I’ve had to rely on my parents. I never imagined that I’d be in this position.” He rolled his neck, trying to work out the tension. “You’re the last person that I’d want to make deal with my shit.” Tony was getting that wild, upset look again. “Would you really feel okay with it if I asked?” 

That settled Tony a bit. “No,” he admitted. “I—I’ve got a lot of shit in my head about being used, like you said.” Tony leaned back against the couch, shifting to face more towards Loki. “And I’m not there yet.” Tony rubbed his eye. “I’d help you but I—yeah, in the back of my head, I wouldn’t be okay with it.” 

Loki reached across the couch and grabbed Tony’s hand. It was still warm, but lax now. He squeezed it once before letting go, making his fingers drag away slowly. “That’s okay.” 

Tony kicked his shoes off onto the floor. He pulled his legs up onto the couch and tucked his chin over the back of the couch cushion, eyes distant with thought. Loki stayed in his corner with his knees against his chest. “I’m sorry,” Loki said quietly. “I’m so tired of fucking everything up.” His voice cracked with exhaustion. 

Tony leaned his head against the back of the couch cushion and looked at Loki as he spoke. “No, I—I get it. I think I see what you were saying now. It’s just, yeah, we both have our issues.” 

“I’ll try and tell you about things,” Loki said. “I really didn’t know. I’m not used to—someone caring like this, that’s all.” 

Tony groaned. “Lokes, don’t say things like that.” 

Loki wasn’t sure what he’d done. 

“I’ll work on it,” he promised instead. 

Tony looked a little bleary. He dug his chin into the couch cushion, trying to get more comfortable. “You’re right,” Tony said. God, he looked exhausted. “I think about Obadiah fucking me over a lot still, sometimes. I’m still angry about it. And the way people used me for sex, or attention, or hoping they’d get some of my dad’s company—and I used to give them things. I liked the attention, even if it was fake.” Tony rubbed his face, falling quiet.

Loki stood up and grabbed the mac and cheese bowl from the table. He reached out and ran his fingers through Tony’s hair, product slicking across his fingers as he did. He scratched Tony’s scalp for a moment, back and forth with a soothing touch. “I’m just going to go microwave this.” 

He padded into the kitchen. Loki listened to the microwave hum as he twirled the fork in his hand, thinking. When it beeped, he took out the bowl and walked back to find Tony spread out on the couch. “I feel like shit,” Tony muttered, rubbing his forehead. 

Loki set the bowl down. “Can I do something for you?” 

“No,” Tony said. “I just need to lay down and let this work.” He closed his eyes. Then he moved to sit up by pushing one of his arms against the couch. “I should have Happy pick me up, I’ve got a meeting at nine, I can’t stay here tonight. If I’m late to the meeting, someone else could start, that’s how—fucking Obadiah always ran meetings because I was too fucking lazy to show up,” Tony said, sitting up. 

“Tony,” Loki said, sitting down beside him. “You can be late or miss one meeting.” Loki thought that maybe Tony had skipped meetings before while they were together, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe he’d stirred up something in Tony that he shouldn’t have. 

“I’ll look bad,” Tony said. “I have to go.” 

Loki grabbed his bowl. “Are you going to be okay alone in your house tonight?” 

“No.” 

“Then stay here. Or—I’ll come to your house.” He took a bite of food, allowing it to comfort him. 

Tony turned and sort of smiled at him then, like he wanted to smile, but wasn’t sure about it. “I don’t know,” Tony said. 

“Please Tony,” Loki said. “I feel like shit too. I don’t want you to go. You can stay here and make the meeting. Or I’ll go with you and leave early for work.” He crammed a huge forkful in his mouth, trying to ignore the fact that Tony was trying to go home after he had admitted that he loved him. 

Tony stood up and then sat back down. “That’s a pain in the ass for you though,” he said, clutching his forehead. “I—I can't make you drive all the way out to my house, but I guess Happy could drive me to work in the morning, you haven’t met him yet, he’s going to love waking up early—”

“Then stay here,” Loki said, his voice snapping and falling in awkward spots. He stared at the cheese as it clung to the other noodles, pulling and toying at it with his fork. Tony took a deep breath. His hands went to his knees. 

“I could make it,” Tony said. “I’ll just have to leave early. Yeah, that’d work, I’ll do that. And then Happy doesn’t have to pick me up from here tonight, I’ll be fine in the morning, I’ll just drive home and shower in time for work.” 

Loki chewed hard, crushing al dente noodles. He swallowed slowly. “Okay.” He glanced at Tony from the corner of his eye. Tony was slouched over, more obviously anxious than before. “You know where stuff is,” Loki said. “Why don’t you change into some of my clothes while I finish this?” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, standing up. “That’d be great.” He walked to the bedroom faster than Loki had ever seen him go in there alone. Loki stared at the carpet. He shoved the rest of his food in his mouth, then went to throw the dish in the sink, feeling too full. 

He combed his fingers through his hair, grimacing at the silver sink rim. 

Tony had said he loved him too, hadn’t he? 

Then why didn’t that make everything…why did it just feel harder? 

Loki shuffled into the living room, feeling like an idiot towards some puzzle he hadn’t known about or solved. He didn’t realize that he’d been hoping that saying those words would mean something. He loved his family, and it was still hard. But this, somehow he’d expected this to be different. It sucked to realize that a part of him had been hoping it would be different.

Tony wasn’t in the living room. The bedroom door was open. Loki walked quietly to it and looked in. 

Tony was laying on top of the covers on his side of the bed, wearing one of Loki’s pretentious band t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants that were so long on him that they almost hid his feet. His eyes were shut. 

Loki sat down on the edge of the bed. 

He brushed his fingers across the comforter, wondering what was going through Tony’s head. The light wasn’t on, leaving the room to be lit by the living room and what spilled in from the street. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Loki asked. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, not opening his eyes. “It’s just making me tired now.” 

Loki sat there for a minute and then decided to shuck his jeans off. He changed into fleece pajama bottoms, reluctant to sleep in only his boxers when Tony wasn’t doing so. He put on a plain black shirt and then slowly laid down on his half of the bed. He set his hand on his stomach and stared at the ceiling. 

“Are you still pissed?” Loki asked. 

Tony rolled onto his side. He studied Loki for a moment, silent. “I’m not mad at you,” Tony said. He shoved his arm under his pillow. “But I still _feel_ a little pissed at you, you know?” 

Loki nodded his head slightly, wishing at the same time that the ceiling would crash down and put him out of his misery. 

Tony’s hand set on Loki’s bicep. Loki twitched, then relaxed into it. “But,” Tony said. He kissed the side of Loki’s face, his warmth comforting against Loki’s skin. “I’m also really happy.” 

Loki turned onto his side so that he could see Tony clearly. Tony’s hand moved to rest in the space between them. He didn’t look angry. His gentle brown eyes were set fondly on Loki, his hair twisted sideways against the pillow, his exhaustion obvious. Loki’s gaze dropped to the collar of Tony’s borrowed shirt. 

“I wish I hadn’t made my parents a part of this,” Loki said. 

Tony adjusted his head on his pillow. “You know,” Tony said. “If my dad came back tomorrow, the first thing I’d do wouldn’t be to tear him a new one.” 

Loki glanced up. Car lights hit the window and vanished, highlighting Loki’s eyes for a moment. 

“It’s okay to know they’re assholes and still want their approval,” Tony said. 

“They’re not all bad,” Loki said. “They've taken care of me. I can’t blame them for everything. That’s childish.” 

Tony took a heavy breath. “I’d tear him a new one second thing. Maybe third.” He grinned. 

Loki smiled sympathetically, but there was nothing real behind it. He felt as exhausted as Tony looked. “I’m just so sick of it,” he muttered. 

Tony hummed, but said nothing. “I’m sorry,” Loki said in the same quiet voice. “I didn’t mean to drag you into all of this shit.” 

“You didn’t drag me into anything,” Tony answered. His eyes had fallen shut, but he was still listening. 

“I just wanted us to be normal without all of this shit.” 

“That’s not how life is,” Tony said. He smiled to himself. “At least not with my life.” He grinned and opened his eyes. “You’re stuck with me, it’s not going to be easy.” 

Loki smiled for real that time. 

Tony watched him with a little smile on his lips before closing his eyes again. Loki withdrew his arm from his side and set it in Tony’s open palm on the bed. Tony’s fingers interwove with his in a firm grip, although his eyes stayed shut. After a few uncertain moments, Loki slowly closed his own eyes. 

He fell into a light, uneasy sleep, but each time that he woke and remembered that Tony was there, he fell right back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter surprised me when I was writing it and turned out differently than I'd thought it would go, but it's up! I'd love to hear what you're thinking! :)


	26. Chapter 26

“I can’t believe you went and told him,” Loki hissed into his phone, his eyes carefully trained on the window. His boss would be walking back with supplies any second. The shop itself was devoid of customers in a mid afternoon lull. 

“I only told him that Dad told you about his DWIs and the overdose. He needed to know.” 

“And that I got cut off,” Loki added. He glared as he tucked the phone against his ear and swiped a wet rag over the countertop. 

“That I hadn’t meant to tell him,” Thor said. He was handling Loki’s questions with grace, but whether that was out of a work habit or because Thor was genuinely at ease was up for debate. “He pushed about what was going on with you and them now, and I thought he was going to work it out on his own in a few seconds, so I told him first.” 

“What did you expect when you met up to talk about me?” Loki asked dryly. 

Thor made an irritated huff. “I didn’t ask him to lunch to talk about you,” he said pedantically. 

“Really?” Loki challenged him. 

“I needed to talk to him,” Thor said. Outside, someone was walking too close to the shop door. Loki tried mentally willing them to stay the hell out. “And I told him about Dad because you hadn’t and it’s something he deserved to know. You had no intention of telling him.” Thor sounded protective, which did nothing for Loki’s mood. To his relief, the person outside walked past the shop door. “Did you?” 

“No,” Loki answered. They were both quiet for a moment. “What did you need to talk to him about?” 

Thor was reluctant to answer. He sighed. “Jane’s presenting some of her research at a symposium in a couple of weeks and I’ll be in court that day. I thought that Tony was going to be there, but he’s not. I was going to ask him to keep an eye out for her. Some of the presenters at those events can be dicks backstage. I don’t want her to have to deal with that right now.”

“She’d kill you if she found out,” Loki said. 

“I know,” Thor said with none of Loki’s amusement. Loki’s anger towards Thor had already faded. He dropped the wet rag in a bucket. “Come over for dinner with us Friday night,” Thor said. 

Loki stared at the stack of cups to his left. He had no plans that evening. “Okay,” he said. 

“You can bring Tony if you want,” Thor said. 

“Alright.” The conversation could have naturally ended there, but Loki found himself continuing instead. “He was pissed when you told him,” Loki said. It wasn't an accusation. It was more that Loki just wanted to tell him about it. 

“He was?” Thor asked. “He didn’t seem upset when I saw him.” 

“He blew up,” Loki said. “He thought you were going to tear him out about doing something to me, and then he was pissed when he found out that I hadn’t told him about Dad.” 

Thor groaned. “That—” He said. “He leaps to conclusions faster than anyone I know.” 

“It’s okay,” Loki said. 

“Are you doing okay?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. “How’s Jane?” 

“Good. She has terrible morning sickness,” Thor said uncomfortably, “but she doesn’t complain. She’s still going to work.” 

“I already owe her babysitting,” Loki said. Thor chuckled. 

Loki spotted his boss coming down the block. “I’ve got to go,” Loki said quickly. “See you Friday.”

* * *

There were pumpkins on the front step of Thor’s house. Loki studied them as he rang the doorbell. They were painted, somewhat haphazardly, with lines of gold and black paint drips in spots. “Hi,” Jane said brightly as she opened the door. She noticed Loki staring at the pumpkins. “I saw those on pinterest and decided to try making them,” Jane said with some embarrassment. “That’s not how they were supposed to look.”

“They look lovely,” Loki complimented her anyway. 

“I’m nesting,” Jane dismissed it. She gave Loki a self-deprecating grin and stepped back from the door to let him in. “Where’s Tony?” 

“He’s having a science night with Bruce, whatever the hell that means.” Loki was careful not to bump into her with the tray under his arm. 

“Oh,” Jane said knowingly. They started for the kitchen together. “That probably means he’s going to talk Bruce’s ear off about something he’s working on.” 

Loki wished that he could feel as blasé about it as Jane. He hadn’t expected Tony to turn down dinner with Thor and Jane, or to already have plans. He’d asked last minute, but they were together nearly every weekend. He hadn’t expected a no.

At the same time, Loki had been avoiding Tony since that night. He’d woken up the following morning with a deep sense of embarrassment in his gut. Tony had left for work before he woke. 

It seemed that Tony was doing the same. It had only been a couple of days, but they’d barely texted since then, and there hadn’t been a single phone call. It could’ve been nothing, but it didn’t feel like nothing. Loki set the tray down on the counter. “What’d you bring?” Jane asked. 

“Cupcakes and brownies,” Loki said. He didn’t tell her that he been cooking and baking excessively in his free time to avoid thinking about it. They were the most complex variations of the desserts that he could make. 

“They look great,” Thor said from the stove. There was the slightest burnt smell in the air. Loki walked over to him. 

“Move,” Loki said, stepping in beside him. Thor moved without a word. Loki fixed what he’d been doing, turning the heat down and sparing the pasta based dish from a premature death. 

“Don’t let him cook,” Jane admonished Thor. “He didn’t come over here to cook for us.” 

Loki waved it off as Thor said, “he wants to cook.” Loki finished the food and plated it with a sense of usefulness. Jane got him a drink and Thor set out silverware. When they’d all settled around the table together and started eating, Loki felt a sense of mild contentment set in. 

They talked about work, and the craft projects Jane had been taking on, and what Loki thought of the coffeeshop. It was comfortable. He didn’t feel out of place. He had expected it to be a bit awkward at least, but it wasn’t. He didn’t keep track of time. It wasn’t until after dessert that Jane excused herself, saying she needed to lie down. He didn’t doubt her. 

Thor sighed as he helped himself to his third cupcake. He looked tired. Loki watched is brother chew, trying not to smirk at the pink icing on his lips. Thor was slouched forward. His work apparel was gone, replaced by a souvenir t-shirt and a pair of jeans that had seen better days. “How’ve you been doing with Mum and Dad?” Loki asked. 

Thor shrugged. “Not bad,” he said, once his mouth was empty. His sky blue eyes focused on the table. “I made it clear when I came back that things were going to change. Jane’s my family now, and I expect them to welcome her.” 

“How’s that going?” Loki asked, trying not to sound too scornful or skeptical when he said it. 

“Okay,” Thor said. “As well as can be expected.” He took a huge bite. “Better I guess.” 

Loki nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. He smiled bitterly. “We have terrible timing, don’t we?” 

Thor grinned. “Yes,” he agreed. He polished off that cupcake and reached for another. Inwardly, Loki was gratified that Thor was so eager to eat them. 

“I noticed that Jane finished her knitting project when I walked in. The hat’s pink—do you two know that you're having a girl?” 

Thor laughed a little, wiping pistachio frosting away. “It’s a sock,” Thor said. “And we don’t know yet. We can find out soon, but—Jane wants to know. I’d rather be surprised.” 

“I didn’t think that Jane would be the kind to go crazy for pink baby stuff,” Loki said. 

“She’s not,” Thor agreed. “Someone at work gave her some extra yarn that they had. We painted the nursery green. There’s a collection of animal themed socks and onesies already.” Thor had tried to say it lightly, but a happiness seeped into his tone anyway. Ordinarily it would’ve annoyed Loki, but he enjoyed seeing his brother with that sappy, sentimental look on his face somehow. “We have a bouncy swing with birds on it and an astronomy mobile. People have been giving us gifts and the baby’s not even close to being here yet.” 

Loki refrained from pointing out any cliches about time. “Are you excited?” 

Thor smiled, nodding his head. “Yes.” A familiar worry followed. “I just hope that things do change with our family. I find myself hoping that this will be the change we need.” 

“Don’t set your hopes on it,” Loki said evenly. Thor acknowledged that with a nod of his head and then went back to finishing off his cupcake. Loki traced his pointer finger along his other hand. 

Thor stood up. “Would you like something else to drink?” 

“I’m fine,” Loki said. Thor got himself a beer and sat back down. 

“How’ve things been with you and Tony?” He asked. 

Loki looked off to the side, answering indifferently. “Fine,” he said. 

“I’m sorry,” Thor said. “I shouldn’t have told him.” He stared grimly at the table, lost in internal debate. “He is my friend, and more so than others, I feel a need to look out for him. But I should not have interfered.” Thor ran his fingers through his hair. He let out a shallow sigh and smiled a little. “In truth, it has been difficult to adjust to you two being together in some ways. I have to think about what I say.” 

“That’s never been your strong suit,” Loki said, snatching the opportunity to snark. Thor grinned, laughing a bit as he did. 

“Jackass,” he muttered, ignoring Loki’s answering grin. 

Loki folded his fingers together in his lap. A gentle silence settled. Thor’s beer clinked as he set it back down. “We had a fight about it,” Loki said. “That’s why I was upset. I didn’t realize that Tony would go berserk over such a simple thing.” 

He hadn’t volunteered anything personal like this with Thor in a couple of years. Thor considered what he’d said before asking a question. “What did he go berserk over, exactly?” When Loki glanced up, he realized that Thor was giving him his full attention, taking it seriously. It made Loki want to answer honestly, not omit things. 

Loki pressed his lips together and leaned back into the chair. “He feels like I keep things from him, that he has to ask. And I—I guess that’s true. I didn’t tell him what Dad said because I didn’t want him to get hurt by it.” Thor nodded his head, sympathetic lines furrowing his brow. “You know that Dad can be an asshole.” 

Thor frowned, nodding in agreement nonetheless. “He does not handle stress well, and I do not think he has ever fully coped with his emotions.” Thor scratched his chin. “Loki,” Thor said. “I did not have the same experience growing up with Mum and Dad as you did. They were already a good deal older when they adopted you. I—I don’t think I saw things the way you did. I already knew them one way and it was hard for me to see them differently. I don’t think I always took what you said seriously. And when you were having trouble with them in college, I—I wish I had seen what you did,” Thor said. Loki’s heart sank sympathetically while his shocked mind tried to catch up. “Maybe then I wouldn’t have made the mistakes that I have with Jane. Maybe then we would’ve had this baby sooner.” Thor’s gaze became distant as he stared into the living room. 

All of this was entirely new to Loki. He would need some time to process it. “You’re changing that now,” he offered. He couldn’t recall a time that Thor had ever been so openly discouraged in front of him. 

“Yes,” Thor said. He forced a closed lip smile. “I didn’t realize how happy I’d be. I wish I hadn’t waited,” he said, words heavy with regret.

Loki rubbed his thumb. “You seem better.” 

Thor smiled at him but said nothing to that. He took a drink. “That’s why I don’t want things ruined for you and Tony. Not if it’s what you want.” Thor set his bottle down. “What’d you tell Tony when he said that?” 

“As much,” Loki said, pointing his thumbs out from his knitted fingers. “I told him I didn’t know that I was supposed to tell him, or that he’d be upset. He was mad that I didn’t say I’d been cut off. I told him that he wouldn’t have been okay with me asking him for money anyway.” 

Thor chuckled. 

“What?” 

“You’re good for him, that’s all.” Thor was smiling, and Loki didn’t like not knowing why. He raised an impatient eyebrow. “Tony doesn’t have many people in his life that tell him how it is,” Thor explained. “He has us, from Fury’s group.” 

“Fury’s group?” Loki asked, interrupting him. 

“The think tank,” Thor explained. “But we’re about it. He doesn’t have any family, and he doesn’t trust anyone outside of us. He can put on an act and look comfortable in a crowd, but that’s not him. Even he buys into it sometimes.” Thor paused. “For you to recognize something like that and call him out on it, that’s new to him. I think he will appreciate that. It’s honest, even if Tony doesn’t want to hear it.” Thor finished off his beer. “You challenged him. Tony’s used to ass kissing from everyone around him.” 

“Some engineers at his work made fun of him,” Loki said. “They cut their beards to look like his.” 

“That’s not the same thing,” Thor said. 

Loki stood up. He did want that beer now. “Bottom shelf,” Thor said, as if reading his mind. Loki brought back two, wordlessly popping off the tops and setting one in front of Thor. It was cold on his tongue with a strong, bitter taste. Loki set his arm over the back of his chair when he sat down. “Is he still mad at you?” Thor asked.

“No,” Loki said. The word just sort of hovered there, unconvincing. “I—we—” His brows furrowed together. He squeezed the beer bottle. “I told him that I loved him,” Loki said. Thor had shared so much tonight already, it didn’t feel out of place to share. It felt like they’d been when they were growing up. Besides, Loki wanted someone else to hear him. And maybe, maybe he wanted to know what Thor thought. “And he said he’s been in love the whole time, but we haven’t talked since then. I don’t think he wanted to come tonight.” 

Thor rubbed his chin. He didn’t answer right away. His eyes looked soft suddenly, happy even. If Loki hadn’t been thinking so much about Tony, he might’ve been able to assess it more. “What do you think about it?” 

Loki could feel his cheeks rebel against him and flush as he answered. “I wish I’d kept my mouth shut,” he gritted out. 

“Why?” 

“Because—it was too emotional, that’s why,” Loki snapped. “Now I look like some weeping, lovesick jackass. And he was still mad. Not mad at me per se, but he wasn’t over it.” 

“Did you mean it?” 

“Of course I meant it.” Loki folded his arms over his chest. 

“Saying I love you is a normal thing,” Thor said.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Loki said, interrupting whatever Thor was about to say. His brother merely looked at him and waited for the opportunity to continue. 

“For Tony to say he loves you is no small thing, Loki.” 

Loki rolled his eyes to the side, making himself appear twenty years younger. He grabbed his beer and took a sip. “We’re not gushing romantics, Thor.” 

“No,” Thor agreed. “That’s why this is hard for you both.” 

If Loki hadn’t been drinking his mouth would’ve dropped open. He swallowed, nearly choking. “When’d you get so smart?” He asked in stubborn defeat. 

“I’ve always been smart,” Thor said preachingly. Loki glared at him. Another time he might have tried contradicting Thor, but that was out of place tonight. Thor grinned. “Just give Tony some time to process,” Thor said, slipping back into a reassuring tone. “And don’t be afraid to tell him again. He’s probably bragging to Bruce about it right now.” Loki exaggerated his disbelieving look. “Tony needs space to do his own thing sometimes,” Thor said. “He processes things in his workshop. Give him a couple of days to invent a robot that you don’t need.” 

Loki half smiled at that. “As long as he keeps it in his lab.” He steered the conversation in another direction, feeling that all that needed to be said on Tony had been. 

From there, the conversation drifted easily onto neutral topics. He stayed for another hour, just sitting in the kitchen and talking with Thor. Things were starting to feel different. A little like they had been when they were younger, but different too. At the very least, he felt completely at ease around Thor, and he hadn’t been able to say that in years. 

When Thor walked him to the door to go home, Loki returned his goodbye hug without a second thought. He drove home trying to rewrite his mental picture of Thor. The old one didn’t seem to fit anymore.


	27. Chapter 27

On Saturday night, Loki found himself alone in his apartment. 

He laid with his back on the couch, tossing a bouncy ball up to the ceiling and catching it repeatedly. There was a chunk of the translucent neon rubber missing, and Loki didn’t remember how it came to be in his apartment in the first place. He had an empty pasta bowl and beer bottle beside him on the coffee table. The TV droned on. 

He’d expected to at least hear something from Tony while he was at work. The morning had dragged by, but by the end of it there was still nothing. Loki texted Tony after he got off in the afternoon, asking where he was. Tony said he was out. Loki left it at that. He didn’t try for more information. His phone remained quiet after that. 

He was trying not to think about it. 

It was a bit mortifying to remember, so not reliving the other night was easy enough to avoid, but worrying was not. Loki believed in Thor, thought that maybe he was right about Tony, but… Tony had never really avoided him before. 

Maybe he was still angry. Maybe he was put off by what Loki had said. 

There was a hard beep from the coffee table. Loki’s eyes darted towards the screen. He sat up when he spotted Tony’s name. 

_I don’t think I like apply molecular orbital calculations to organic molecules._

Loki stared at the phone in his hand, not knowing what to think. His thumb hovered over the screen. Maybe Tony was in the lab and frustrated with something. _What are you working on?_

He waited, but there was no reply. Loki had dropped it back on the coffee table and started watching the sitcom on the TV when Tony texted back. _What is the size of the golden gate bridge_. 

Loki took a breath. _What?_ He sent back, uncertainty mixing uncomfortably with annoyance. He didn’t know what was going on. If this was Tony playing some game, it was stupid. 

_i was right_

_thanks J.A.R.V.I.S._

Anger struck in a second. Loki tossed his phone back on the table, deciding to ignore it. Tony was probably drinking or doing something stupid, and Loki wasn’t about to put up with it or worry about it. After the way he’d felt all day, this was the last thing he needed. Loki set one arm over the back of the couch cushion and cast a lofty, disdainful gaze over the TV. 

The phone began to ring. 

Loki eyed it, debating what he should do. 

He leaned in with a defeated sigh, but just as he picked it up, it stopped. Loki stared at the screen. A missed call from Tony. Enough. He dialed Tony back. 

“Hi, Loki.” 

It wasn’t Tony’s voice. 

“Where’s Tony?” Loki asked, not sure who it was. 

“In the bathroom.” The voice wasn’t particularly enthusiastic. “I was going to confiscate his phone when I saw you were calling. Do you need him?” 

Loki was fairly certain that the male voice wasn’t Steve, but he couldn’t be sure. It was familiar. “No, I was calling him back. Who’s this?” 

“It’s Clint,” he said, abandoning the dutiful tone and getting friendly. “I wondered if that was you he was calling, I made him put the phone down when he started dialing. I didn’t want him to start sending employees stuff.” 

Loki was glad that it was Clint and not Steve. He still didn’t really know what to make of Clint, but he trusted him. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah,” Clint said. “Yeah, he’s not really that drunk, just one shot past tipsy.” Loki got the impression that Clint wasn’t overly thrilled about that, but wasn’t exactly upset about it either. “I think he’ll be fine. You know how he is,” Clint said, tone friendly towards Loki. 

“Do you need me to come get him?” 

“No.” Clint answered firmly. “It’s fine,” he said lightly a second later. “I can handle it. He can stay here, no big deal.” 

“I can come get him,” Loki offered. “It’s fine.” 

“That’s okay,” Clint said. “I’m going to let you go because he’s coming out of the bathroom and you do not want to hear his drunk singing. It was good to talk to you, Loki.” 

“You too,” Loki said uncertainly, not really wanting to hang up the phone. The line went dead not a second later. Loki stood up. He walked to the bathroom. He snatched his toothbrush out of its cup and added the paste slowly. He began brushing his teeth with one hand while the other held his hair back. 

So Tony was spending the night drinking and hanging out with Clint. That was perfectly fine. 

Loki spit in the sink. 

His gaze stilled on the running water. That part was fine, but the part where Clint hurried to get him off the phone—that couldn't be a good thing. Clint could’ve let him talk to Tony. Loki turned off the faucet and stood up straight. 

He should text Tony to call him when he was sober. 

No, that was stupid. This was stupid. He was thinking about it too much. Tony wasn’t seeing him that weekend, whatever. He had other things going on. Loki turned off the TV and took the phone back to his bedroom. He crawled into bed and tried to ignore the memory of Tony that surfaced. 

 

Loki worked the next morning, which was just as well. It was busy in the early hours and kept his mind off of things. There was a new hire to replace the girl that had quit last week, and they were helpless on their own. Loki was trying to teach them on top of the fifty other things he was doing. He barely noticed the transition into the afternoon hours. 

There were just two hours left to his shift. Loki didn’t have plans for anything after that, he was just going to be grateful to get the hell out of here. He began cleaning the cappuccino machine. 

“I’d like a coffee.” 

Loki glanced up, knowing that voice. Tony gave him an impish grin. “What kind?” Loki asked. His boss was three feet away, tallying up inventory. He didn’t know why Tony was here. It seemed like something was wrong. 

“Whatever’s simple,” Tony said. Loki turned away from him and poured a brewed coffee into a mug. Tony was waiting at the register for him. Loki rang it up lightning fast, letting Tony swipe his card. Tony looked out over the shop. He didn’t seem entirely himself, but Loki attributed that to the formal way he was treating Tony. 

“I’ll bring it over to your table,” Loki said, stepping out from behind the counter. He lead Tony over to a table in the far corner and set his coffee down. Tony took a seat, obviously expecting Loki to do so as well. Loki grabbed the back of a chair and kept his hands there. “I get off in a couple hours.” 

“I’ve never seen you at work before,” Tony said conversationally. 

Loki nodded his head to the side, facing Tony with a tolerant frown. Tony took a heavy drink of his coffee. He appeared perfectly content drinking, but there was an edginess under his posture that Loki picked up on. “How was Clint’s?” Loki asked. He was certain that Tony had something he wanted to say, but leading up to it seemed like a better route than asking outright. 

“Fine,” Tony said. He toyed with the mug, nearly sloshing the hot coffee over the brim. The bell on the shop door jingled. Loki glanced up to see a customer walking in and his boss looking pointedly towards him. 

“I can't really talk,” Loki said. “Do you want to hang out after work? I’ll give you my key.” He started to dig his keys out of his pocket. 

“I can’t,” Tony said. “I was just in the area. I thought I’d come see you.” Loki heard his boss loudly greet the customer that had walked in. He turned and looked that way. She seemed annoyed. He went back behind the counter. He made up the customer’s drink, watching Tony out of the corner of his eye. 

Tony sat with his legs spread out and coffee in front of him. He made himself at home with his tablet, casually sipping his coffee as he read something. There was a confidence to his expression that made him seem at ease, but Loki read the stiff line of his shoulders and the twitch in his fingers. This didn't feel natural. Something had to be going on with Tony. 

Loki was kept busy. He looked for every opportunity to clear tables and get another chance to talk, but there were too many customers and things behind the counter that needed his attention. 

He didn’t even realize that Tony was leaving until Tony was standing right in front of him. Tony leaned over the counter, almost as if he was studying the menu board. “I’m heading out, Lokes.” 

Loki looked up from the bulk box of napkins he’d been unpacking. “Tony,” he said, the name uneasy on his tongue. “Is something wrong?” 

“No,” Tony said, shrugging with a glib smile. “I just thought I’d visit you at work.” 

Suspicion settled in Loki’s eyes. He set his arm against the cardboard box. “Are you sure you don’t want to go out for a late lunch? I’m going to be off soon.” It wasn’t the friendliest invitation that Loki had ever issued. If Tony heard the challenge in Loki’s tone he didn’t show it. 

“I’ve got work to do before I go in tomorrow,” Tony said. A customer came and stood next to him, obviously waiting in line. Tony stared at Loki without saying anything, but Loki couldn't make a single guess at what was going through his head. 

“Call me tonight,” Loki said. Another fucking person had joined the line behind Tony. 

Tony nodded his head and left.

* * *

Loki hadn’t really expected Tony to call. His hands were wrist deep in dough when the phone rang. Loki smeared flour across the screen as he answered, tucking it against his shoulder. “Hello.”

“Hey,” Tony said. His voice was casual, almost disinterested. Loki pushed a fist into the dough in front of him. He supposed he’d have to direct the conversation. 

“I didn’t expect to see you today,” he said airily, as if he hadn’t analyzed the fuck out of it already. He folded the top half of the bread dough back towards him as Tony’s response came. 

“Yeah, just thought I’d stop by on my way back. Clint lives out that way.” 

Tony wasn’t really connecting as he talked, just sort of answering. It was easy to imagine that he was reading something at the same time, or down in his lab. “I talked to Clint last night,” Loki said. “You send the oddest drunk texts.” 

“I do?” Tony blurted out, suddenly paying attention. He was quiet for a moment. Loki could practically see Tony flipping back through his text messages. He dug his fingers down into the dough, appreciating the soft pliancy of it. 

“I guess you thought I was google?” Loki suggested. 

“Jarvis,” Tony corrected him, still sounding slightly distracted. “Uh, yeah.” He sighed. 

Loki rolled his stiff shoulder, careful not to knock the phone down. “What do you have planned this week?” 

“I’m pushing the arc reactor and getting some new equipment installed in the lab,” Tony said, a bit stiffly. He didn’t volunteer anything else. Loki stretched the dough out, fighting the tough strands.

“I’m not working Friday. Do you want to go see a movie?” 

“Yeah. Maybe,” Tony said. “I don't know what’s going on at work.” 

Part of Loki wanted to hang up and escape the clumsy conversation. The other half of him wanted to pick at Tony’s brain until he figured out what was going on. “Well, you decide.” He folded the dough over again. 

“Yeah. Okay,” Tony said. “I’ve got to go, I’ve got reports to run for tomorrow morning.” 

“Okay,” Loki said. He was thinking about what Thor had said, and had been cautiously considering it the entire conversation. Now he wanted to know. It was a test, an experiment that would give him something. “Night. I love you.” 

He could’ve sworn he fucking heard the tiniest of breaths being sucked in on Tony’s line. “Yeah,” Tony said. “Love you too. Night.” 

“Bye,” Loki said. He waited to hear Tony hang up. It took a few seconds, and Loki doubted that Tony knew that he was waiting. When the line went dead, Loki dropped his phone onto the table. 

He went back to the bread dough, stretching and kneading the damn thing until it succumbed to his will. He pinched it, watching with satisfaction as the dough sprung back to shape. 

He didn’t know what the hell was going on with Tony. And the phone call might not have been the best in the world, but it didn’t fill him with dread. He set the dough aside to rise. Tony had said it back, and somewhere in Loki, that gave him a sense of security. He didn’t know why, but it did. He pulled out the ingredients to start another loaf of bread. He needed to be doing something with his hands. 

It was the visit that made Loki uncomfortable. Tony had just sat there. Reading. Off in his own little corner, as if he had all of the time in the world. And Loki knew that Tony wasn't totally comfortable doing so. But Tony had been comfortable enough. Loki wished that he could rush the mixing ingredients so that he’d have dough to work with already. Tony _was_ avoiding him, he’d decided on that much. But he’d visited him too? And called? 

Loki’s hands stilled, the wooden spoon in his grip sliding against the bowl. He could try and figure out what Tony had done with Bruce and Clint. They might know what was going on with Tony. Thor might be able to find out for him. Loki jammed the spoon forward particularly hard. Thor wasn’t exactly subtle. 

Loki was grateful that the dough was ready to be kneaded again. He dumped it on the floured countertop. He was entertaining the idea of calling Thor. 

No, he decided, punching into the dough. He wasn’t ready to run to Thor with every little thing. He’d just have to give this some time. He didn’t need Thor for this. 

Loki worked his frustration into the dough. The idea was enticing, and he wanted to entertain it, but he'd made up his mind. He went back to ruminating, about Tony and other things, until the dough was finished and had nothing left to offer.


	28. Chapter 28

Loki rested with his hip against the countertop, head slouched forward as he typed into his phone. He had a large cardboard box beneath his free arm. Finishing off his text, Loki looked up towards the door leading back to the store front. Reluctantly, he went back out. 

The week had been passing by quickly. He was making up hours for someone that was out sick, and his boss had already given him the weekend off so that he wouldn’t work overtime. Loki thought little about the cups he poured or the exchanges he had. It was simple enough. 

Somewhere between making an iced coffee and cleaning up a spill from a toddler at one of the tables, Loki felt his phone buzz with a responding text. It was a while before he got the chance to read it. 

_I’m not into the whole explosions genre. Completely fake._

Loki rolled his eyes dramatically for his own benefit. _An independent film then?_ He knew what Tony’s answer was going to be. Tony was humoring him by pretending that he’d go see a movie, when really he was only finding a way out with each suggestion. Loki rubbed his eye. He was crouched down beside the counter by a box of straws. 

_Eww._

Loki pushed himself back up. He dropped his phone in his pocket and went back to work, abandoning the movie tactic at that. 

Tony was still avoiding him in person, but he’d relented on the phone. He was texting again. But he wouldn’t let Loki pin him down to any times to meet, and he hadn’t called all week. Loki had been the one to call on Wednesday night. Tony was happy to talk about his engineering project, but found an excuse to go the moment he got the sense that the conversation might go in a different direction. Loki had called again, late on Thursday night. 

Without realizing it, Loki had come to expect Tony’s frequent calls and texts. Now it was as though the tables had turned. He was the one making all of the effort. Maybe he’d put too much of that on Tony before, just because Tony was more extroverted, and it had never really felt like there was a gap. 

The texting felt like maybe Tony missed him, but maybe he was just bored in a meeting. Loki couldn’t tell. He didn’t know if it was wishful thinking to assume the former. 

When Loki got off work, he walked home. The cold wind billowed against him, eating through his leather jacket and blowing his hair in his face. He pulled his scarf further up. His boots scraped against the pavement. 

It was Friday. Tony was yanking him around about the weekend and avoiding a straight answer. Loki was certain that if Tony was left to his own devices, they’d be spending this weekend apart too. Loki shoved his hands down into his pockets. It wasn't that he couldn’t go a weekend without Tony. It was that he had a feeling that leaving Tony alone this weekend was a mistake. 

It felt like it was time to push. Loki had already made up his mind that he would have to take the lead. Whatever was going through Tony’s head had to come out. Loki unlocked his apartment door, wind biting against his exposed fingers. 

Inside, he went into the kitchen and started dinner. He worked slowly, making a soup from scratch with every extra step that he could think of. Loki decided to give Tony one last chance. _Come over? I’m cooking_ He set his phone down on the table, not expecting much. While he cut vegetables, he combed back through the conversation they’d had the night before. 

On Wednesday, Tony had seemed happy that Loki called. He had chattered away about his project with even more enthusiasm than usual. After a while, Loki had lost interest in the fine details of engineering and doodled on the corner of a free newspaper, content with Tony’s voice simply because it made things seem like they were going to be okay. Last night, Tony had been standoffish from the beginning. 

After a couple minutes of stilted, awkward conversation, Loki had asked in a solemn voice, “are you still mad?” 

“No,” Tony had answered immediately. “I’m not mad.” 

Loki had dropped his head back against his pillow, and stared up at the ceiling. “Really? Because you seem pissed.” 

“I’m not,” Tony said. _Liar_. Loki rubbed the heel of his palm against his cheek. 

“Is something wrong then?” Loki asked. His tone was somewhat dry. He didn’t like playing this game, but he wasn’t upset about it either.

“No,” Tony said. “I’ve got to be at work in the morning, Loki. I’ve got to go.” 

“Alright.” Tony hung up. Loki rolled onto his side and dropped the phone onto his nightstand. He had stared blankly at it for a while, with no clear thoughts in his mind. 

Of course, today Tony had been texting while Loki was at work like things were great. He’d been charming, even. It hadn’t moved Loki. Maybe Tony felt guilty about last night. Maybe he was just fucking bored. 

Loki turned the heat up on the stove. 

The prospect of not seeing Tony this weekend left him with a churning knot in his gut. 

Something was bothering Tony. Whether that was what Loki had done, or something that he didn’t even know about, Loki knew he couldn’t let it be. Maybe Tony was anxious about something. Loki could work with him on that, he was getting better at that. 

Tony had outright declined or given vague answers for Loki’s invitations to go out and to stay in all week long. Loki tapped a wooden spoon against his open hand, thinking. Tony was going to avoid him until whatever the fuck this was blew up. He needed to find a way over there. 

The fucking idiot. Hadn’t Tony been the one to say that Loki needed to share? Hypocrite. 

As if Tony had heard his name, the phone buzzed. 

_I’m not sure yet_

Fucker. Loki went back to the stove. He poked the spoon around the soup with unnecessary force. 

Then it came to him. 

What did Tony do when Loki was upset? He’d just shown up the day that he’d seen Loki with his mother at the restaurant, intending to break the door in if he had to. Without warning, Loki found himself reliving the morning after Tony’s anxiety attack. He recalled Tony sitting there in silence, and the definite feeling that he should be the one to speak first. The frustration drained right out. 

If Tony needed him, then Loki needed to be there. And if that meant tricking Tony a little, Loki wasn’t above that. He tried to push away the memory of Tony’s blood shot eyes hopelessly trained on his french toast as he reached to the table for his phone. “Hello?” Tony picked up on the third ring. 

“Hey.” Loki pushed the phone against his ear as he stirred. “Can I come over? I need to see you.” He made his voice into a sober, soft confession. There was a slight pause before Tony answered, worry seeping into his voice.

“Uh, yeah. Sure. You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Loki reassured him. “I’ll tell you about it when I get over there.” 

“Okay,” Tony said.

“See you in an hour and a half. Bye,” Loki said. He heard Tony’s goodbye and then Tony talking to someone in the background before he hung up. He figured that Tony was still at work and talking to an employee. Feeling settled, Loki went back to finishing his dinner. He’d eat and then he’d go over. 

There was a car outside that Loki didn’t recognize when he pulled up. Tony greeted him at the front door alone, smiling awkwardly as he let Loki inside. His brown eyes lingered on Loki as he turned around to go to the kitchen. “We were just wrapping up dinner,” Tony said, walking quickly. Loki didn't have time to ask who ‘we’ was. 

He spotted Steve’s bright blue eyes and neatly styled blond hair the moment they stepped through the kitchen doorway. 

Loki’s stomach sank, creeping down into lead as his heart picked up a few extra beats. He kept all of it from his face. “Hello,” Steve said cordially, turning around on the barstool. “How’ve you been?” 

“Great. It’s nice to see you again, Steve.” Loki answered politely, standing a bit taller. Tony went around them to stand on the other side so that the counter was between them. Loki glanced at Tony’s half eaten plate at the spot beside Steve. Loki gave Steve a smooth, charming smile. He did not sit down. “What’ve you been up to?” 

“I’m training for a marathon,” Steve said, taking Loki’s friendliness at face value. “Sam and I are gonna run together.” Loki watched Tony out of the corner of his eye as Steve got into the specifics of training. He nodded his head and smiled at each thing, noting the way that Tony was picking at the cardboard pizza box and not saying much at all. 

“I don’t think I could run one myself,” Loki said when Steve was done. He glanced pointedly towards Tony, hoping to get some help in pushing Steve along. His boyfriend wasn’t paying attention. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your evening,” Loki said apologetically. The blonde sat up straight. “I was just going to tell Tony about something, I can leave if you’re busy…”

“No,” Steve said, starting to get up. “That’s alright. I’ve been over here long enough,” Steve said, reaching back to the barstool for his jacket. 

“What happened to movie night, Rogers?” Tony complained. “You can hang out with us—”

“What have I told you about calling me Rogers?” Steve asked sharply. Loki was taken aback. He’d never seen Steve reprimand Tony that way before. Part of him was pleased that they weren’t fawning over each other, but a small part of him felt protective of Tony. Tony rolled his eyes at Steve. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Tony said. “Only when you’re in the mood.”

“I really was going to see Peggy,” Steve said, ignoring Tony and yanking at his collar to straighten his tan jacket. “I’m not going to third wheel it here.”

“You can stay,” Loki offered insincerely, knowing that it wouldn’t sound so.

“No,” Steve said kindly towards him. “I’m gonna go. And don’t let him get away with being a dick,” Steve said, nodding his head towards Tony. Tony stuck his tongue out at Steve, but the hateful glare in his eyes was definitely real. Steve shook his head. “See you later,” he said, waving his hand. He went towards the front to let himself out, leaving Tony and Loki alone in the kitchen. 

Tony picked at the pizza box. Loki stood perfectly still, studying him. After a few quiet seconds, Tony glanced up. “What happened?” 

Standing in this kitchen after he’d been reliving that one morning didn’t sit well with Loki. He didn’t want to see parallels. “Let’s sit down,” he said, starting towards the living room. Tony grabbed his plate and another slice of pizza before following. 

Loki sat down in an armchair, leaving the couch for Tony. 

Tony sat down like a child, throwing his back against the arm rest and kicking his feet up across the rest of the couch. It was not an intimate distance. Tony began to eat. Loki still had his hair back in a ponytail from cooking. He pulled it out, tugging at the elastic. Now that the moment was here, he wasn’t sure what to say.

“What’d your asshole mom and dad say this time?” Tony prompted him, paying attention only to his food. 

“Don’t talk about my mum like that,” Loki said. Tony swallowed. “Nothing’s wrong with my parents. My mother called this week to see how I was doing, we didn’t talk much. I had to go to work.” He drummed his fingers against his knee. He lifted his head. “We need to talk.” 

“Jesus, Loki, you made it sound like they’d fucked with you again,” Tony started. “Not cool.” He took a huge bite of his pizza. Loki knew that Tony was ignoring the last half of what he’d said. 

He put both hands on his knees, pressing forward. “I want to know what is going on.” 

His words and tone were perfectly clear. Tony brushed his cheek and licked his thumb like the cheese on the side of his face was more important. “Well, you scared off Steve for movie night.” Loki dragged a breath in through his nose. 

He wanted to ask what the fuck Steve was doing over there, but he didn’t think that his jealousy had any reality to it. He wasn’t certain, but it seemed like Steve had been fed up with Tony over something anyway. Getting upset about Steve being there would only make him look bad. “You’ve been avoiding me.” 

“You’re right here,” Tony said. Maybe Loki’s irritation was starting to show, because after a moment of Loki staring at him, Tony’s demeanor shifted. “With a designer leather jacket, mmm, Lokes, you’ve got to have a leather fetish in you somewhere.” He flashed his best bedroom smile, and Loki was ashamed at the arousal that cheap tactic produced. “I’ve got some stuff up in the closet upstairs—”

“Tony,” Loki said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Come on, Loki, we haven’t done anything in a while—”

The nasty glare on Loki’s face sucked the words right from Tony’s mouth. Loki waited a moment before speaking, trying to be careful. “You’re the one that gets on my case for not telling you shit,” he hissed. “You’ve been avoiding me. I know something’s going on.” 

“It’s not like that,” Tony dismissed him. He tossed his empty pizza plate onto the coffee table. “I’ve just been busy.” 

“Bullshit.” 

Tony clenched his jaw. He didn’t look at Loki. Then when he did turn back to Loki, it was with a glib smile. “Loki, nothing’s going on. I’m fine. Can we just fuck around? I haven’t gotten laid all week.” 

Loki bit back on saying _that’s a relief_. “Whose fault is that?” He asked instead. 

Turning away, Tony partially shrugged. “I just had a lot going on.” 

Seeing no other option, Loki decided to start guessing. “Are you still pissed?” 

“I said I wasn’t,” Tony said sincerely. He sunk back into the couch, crossing his hands over his stomach. 

“Are you seeing someone else?” 

“What? No!” Tony sat up in a crunch motion. “I can’t believe you’d fucking ask that.” He genuinely seemed wounded. Loki almost felt remorseful. 

“What do you want me to ask?” Loki countered. Tony flopped back down. It appeared that he was going to try ignoring Loki instead. “I’m not stupid, Tony, I know something is bothering you.” 

“I said I was fine.” 

“Obviously,” Loki challenged him. 

Tony’s toes started to tap on one foot. His hands disappeared from their lax resting place on his stomach and folded in with his arms over his chest. He stared with narrowed eyes at Loki, clearly scrambling to find something to say.

Loki rubbed his hand against his chin. “You get pissed at me when I don’t tell you things. That’s why you got mad before. Is this some stupid way of getting back at me for it?” He asked, the thought occurring to him as he said it aloud. 

Tony rolled his eyes with exaggerated drama. “No. I got mad because you got thrown out on your ass and didn’t tell me about it!” 

“I didn’t want you to feel like you had to do something!” Just hearing Tony say the words aloud filled Loki with self loathing. He crossed his legs, setting an ankle on his knee. His lips pinched tightly together.

Tony seemed to sink deeper into the couch. One leg was crossed tightly over the top of the other. “I thought you said you needed to tell me something.” 

“That _is_ this conversation,” Loki said. Tony glanced away, annoyed. “Quit trying to avoid it.” 

“Yeah, well acting like something was really wrong just so you could come over here and lay into me was shitty,” Tony said, trying to pin it back on Loki. 

“Were you going to see me this weekend?” Loki asked. Tony didn’t answer. “No. Of course not. And that’s fine, I don’t need to see you every damn weekend, but it’s bullshit that you think you can avoid me when it’s obvious that something’s amiss and then act like I’m wrong for fucking caring about it.” Loki finished with far more anger than he’d intended, the upset leaping right out of him. 

It seemed to sober Tony a bit. At first. “Yeah?” Tony turned his head to the side towards the couch, obscuring Loki’s view of him. “Well maybe I don’t want you to care about it, just like you didn’t want me to worry about you.” 

“So this is you getting back at me.” 

“No.” Tony pulled his legs back on the couch, moving to get up. “You don’t get it.” He sat up with his feet on the ground. His hands braced on either side of him. 

Loki smoothed one hand over his head. “What don’t I get?” 

Tony huffed out a sigh. “It’s—forget it.”

Loki wanted to yell at Tony until he got the answers he wanted, but being with Tony in person was something else. He was flustered and angry, upset and anxious, but he wanted to get through to Tony. He cared about Tony. “Tony,” Loki said. “I’m trying to understand.” 

It was almost a plea. The words were soft, hinting at an ache that seemed to get through.

Tony sighed. He hunched forward and rubbed at his face with his hands. “You know how you said that you thought Natasha and Clint had a history?” 

“Yes,” Loki said carefully, certain that Tony was about to send him down one of those rabbit holes he thought Loki couldn’t work his way out of. 

“Well you’re right. They did.” Tony rubbed his cheeks with his calloused hands, drawing the blood up into a slight pink flush that only made him look exhausted. He didn’t offer any more information. 

“How does that relate to this?” Loki asked. He was stiff, analyzing Tony with tightly spun precision. 

Tony scratched at his beard and stared over at the dark windows. 

“Why are you bringing it up?” Loki prompted him. 

“I’m just—” Tony bit his lip. “Clint and Natasha did have a thing. But they worked together, and that made it hard. Eventually, things happened, and they decided it was easier to split.” Loki felt a bit light headed. “And, uh, Clint regrets that. A lot.” 

Loki couldn’t have crossed his arms tighter if he tried. “What does Clint have to do with this?” He tried asking carefully, but it still sounded impatient. 

“He said something to me,” Tony said. He rubbed his chin and stared down at the floor, clearly avoiding Loki’s gaze. 

“What did he say?” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Tony said, moving to get up. 

“Then why’d you bring it up?” Loki asked, glaring up at Tony as he stood. Tony glanced down and then away from Loki.

“I just—” Tony started to wander into the room. “I’m just thinking about how this will work.” He walked back behind the couch. At first Loki thought Tony was going to bolt, but then he realized that Tony was only pacing. 

“What do you mean?” Loki asked. 

“Like, the future. How—” Tony stopped. He turned his back to Loki and stared out the viewless windows instead. 

Loki strained to figure out what was going on in Tony’s mind. This conversation wasn’t making him feel like he had enough pieces to put it all together. He’d have to guess. “Tony. You know I don’t need you to take care of me.” 

Tony turned around. “Yeah, but I—” He almost laughed. His voice broke instead. “It’s not that easy.” 

“Sure it is,” Loki said, shrugging. 

Tony gave him a look that was something awful, making it absolutely clear that he thought Loki was wrong. Loki resisted rolling his eyes. “I’m not asking you to,” Loki said firmly, anger creeping into his tone. “Just because I said that I love you doesn’t mean that anything’s changed between us. I was falling in love with you before I said it, and if you meant what you said about figuring it out ages before me, then what’s changed? I’m sorry if saying it aloud put you off.” The apology was more defensive anger than anything. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, shoving his hands down in his pockets. “I guess I didn’t think about it like that.” He frowned. His lip twitched as it pulled to the side. It took him a few moments before he started pacing again. It felt like he was only agreeing to appease Loki. 

“Tony, what’s wrong? Is this—is this back to the Steve thing? Are you afraid of crossing over some line?” 

Tony froze. “Yeah. Loki, I’m scared shitless.” Tony blurted out. He looked at Loki with widened eyes, then rubbed the back of his neck and started his slow pace around the room again. Loki didn’t know what to say to that. 

The silence began to drag on too long. 

Loki considered his words before he spoke. He was collected, his voice slow and strong. “Tony. I don’t think either of us is ready for this to end. Whatever it is that you’re trying to figure out, we can do that together. Unless I’m wrong and this is too much for you.” 

“No, it’s not. I want you, I do. I—” Tony rubbed his hands against his face. He was quiet as he thought. “I don’t know. I need to work it out in my head.” For the first time that evening, Tony looked apologetic. “I didn’t want to see you because I don’t know what I think about everything.” 

Loki’s face was very still as he took that in. “Why’d you come to the coffeeshop?” It had been bothering him all week.

“I just wanted to see you,” Tony said. 

Loki stood up. 

“Loki,” Tony said. He took a few steps forward, in towards the couch. A faint line of worry rested on his brow. “Stay and watch a movie with me?” 

Loki brushed his fingers back through his hair. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. Part of him wanted to leave. 

Tony took a cautious step towards him, unwilling apparently to stand too close. “We can rent something,” he offered. 

Loki stared at him with a solemn expression for a few moments before relenting and giving in. He wanted to be around Tony, even if he was a little pissed off at him now. “Fine,” he said, sitting back down. He took the armchair again, not wanting to give Tony the opportunity to sneak in close to him. Tony hurried to grab the remote. 

“Here,” Tony said. “You can pick something. I’m going to get snacks out of the kitchen, do you want anything? A beer?”

“No.” 

Loki rested his head against his hand and began flipping through the movie options. Tony lingered for a second before padding away into the kitchen. He was in there for a while too long. When he finally returned with a huge bowl of chips and a beer, Loki had already picked out a movie and been reading on his phone. He’d chosen a movie that he didn’t really love, but would be entertaining enough and be something that would be okay by Tony. 

Tony talked at the beginning of the movie, but Loki only answered him with hums and vague replies. Halfway through, he gave up and fell quiet except for the sound of crunching chips.

Now Loki wasn’t so sure if it had been a good idea to come over. Maybe he’d overreacted. Tony wasn’t going to explain himself completely, and Loki didn’t think that he was making things better. And now he was pissed on top of it. It had occurred to him that Tony felt perfectly fine showing up at his apartment whenever he was upset, but Loki didn’t feel like he could just show up unannounced over here. He kicked his feet over the side of the armchair and rested his back against the other side, arms over his stomach as if he was cold. From this angle, he couldn’t see Tony. 

Maybe things would be better tomorrow.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love hearing what you're thinking about these two and your advice/hopes for them. Next chapter will be up as soon as I can.  
> & Happy Halloween! ;)


	29. Chapter 29

Loki woke to a weight pressing against his side. He shifted, warm bed sheets tangling in the motion, and recognized the familiarity of Tony’s torso against his back. A hand brushed his hair aside. Loki felt lips pressed to the skin of his exposed neck and closed his eyes. 

The sensation teased at the knot in his chest from the night before, tugging it apart. Tony’s arm set over his stomach, and when Loki rolled onto his back, Tony moved in sync to lay over him. “Good morning,” Tony said softly, his arms setting on either side of Loki’s head. His eyes were gentle, and he had that morning stubble along his jawline that suited his bedraggled hair. Loki found himself grinning without really thinking about it. 

“Hey.” He smiled, blinking sleepily. He set his hands on Tony’s hips, enjoying the pleasant contentment setting in. 

“Hey,” Tony answered, leaning in with a kiss on the lips. It was so slow, so luxuriating, Loki didn’t even mind the hint of morning breath. He groaned, rubbing his body against Tony as the brunette eagerly went for his neck. Loki melted into the bed, only half awake and more than content to let Tony take the lead. 

It felt so good to give in, to have Tony in his hands and wanting him. Tony eagerly sucked at the skin on his neck, breath hurried with lust. Loki listened to his panting with a mix of satisfaction and desire. All of his doubts seemed so stupid, suddenly. 

He dug his fingers along Tony’s scalp, thick hair parting for him. Tony’s mouth at his neck became too forceful and needy. Loki gently tugged him back for a moment. “I’m not going to try covering that up at work. No marks.” 

Tony huffed out a resigned “fine” and slid down lower. Loki didn’t mind peeling off his shirt from the night before for Tony. He’d forgotten how good this felt with Tony. 

It was just easy morning sex, and it felt fucking good. It felt so fucking good. Loki dropped his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes, wishing he could stay in the moments like this. After they’d both come, Tony’s lips returned to his neck, slow and easy. 

“I love you,” Tony murmured. 

His kisses became brief, powerful pecks along Loki’s neck, almost frantic. “I love you,” Tony muttered, sounding delirious. Loki pulled one of his legs in towards himself and let it down, shifting uncertainly. Something about the second utterance didn’t strike right. Uncomfortable, Loki laid still. Tony gasped in a breath and kissed the side of Loki’s jaw. He muttered it again. Then Loki connected the pieces. It sounded like Tony was trying to convince himself.

Loki’s good mood evaporated. He pushed Tony away, smiling awkwardly and avoiding eye contact as he sat up. Tony sunk right back into his lap. Loki ran his fingers through his hair, wondering why he'd said yes when Tony asked him to stay last night. It wasn’t like they’d done anything but go to bed. Tony started again at his clavicle. 

Loki set his hands on Tony’s waist. Tony took it as encouragement and moaned agreeably. Loki kissed Tony’s forehead and tried to reciprocate. It wasn’t that he was back in the mood. It was just that he’d really fucking missed Tony, he really had. And it felt so fucking comforting and good to have Tony’s attention again. Loki didn’t want that to stop.

Loki had just started to get back into it and feel good again when Tony leaned up to whisper in his ear. Loki’s eyes were half-open, arousal slipped into his features. “I wanna take you to Malibu,” Tony muttered. “Dress you in Oscar De La Renta and Gucci and bring you around to all the parties. God, you’d look so good, and then I’d take you shopping for—” Loki pressed his hand against Tony’s sternum, effectively pushing him back. Tony blinked, face unreadable as he looked at Loki. 

“Stop it.” 

Tony didn’t say anything. He just leaned in and kissed the side of Loki’s face, beside his ear. They were quiet as Tony let his hands wander along Loki’s shoulders and massage them instead. 

Loki hadn’t heard Tony talk like that before. He didn’t like it at all. He didn’t know where it was coming from. Tony’s lips went to his shoulder instead. Loki gave in, uncertain and craving the reassurance of Tony’s attention. 

“Babe,” Tony murmured. His lips returned to Loki’s ear, and this time, in denial, Loki expected him to talk dirty. “I wanna take you to Rome. I want to fly you first class and see all the sights with you. Wouldn’t you like that?” He whispered enticingly. 

It sounded like a trap. It sounded like Tony was testing him, and Loki didn’t like it at all. “No,” he said firmly. He couldn’t fucking take this game anymore. Loki moved to get up but Tony didn’t shift with him. “Move,” Loki said. “I’m getting up.” 

Tony let him, but sat back with that same impassive look on his face. It was only when he got out of bed that Tony started to protest. “Babe, come back to bed.” Loki ignored him. “Where’re you going?” 

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” Loki said. Tony seemed satisfied with that. 

When Loki got to the bathroom, he couldn’t stand being in his skin anymore. He smelled like Tony, and Tony had come across his stomach for fuck’s sake, he couldn’t fucking stand it. He turned on the shower and got in, scrubbing himself clean. The first soap was the one that Tony regularly used and he chucked it out onto the tile, deciding to use a hotel soap left over from some trip Tony had taken. 

His fingers were wrinkled when he got out. Loki grabbed a towel and squeezed his wet hair before taking another towel to wrap around his waist. He went back to the bedroom. Tony was gone. 

Loki grabbed his shirt off the floor. He couldn’t find his jeans, and he didn’t want to keep looking for them and spend anymore time in this fucking room, so he took a pair of Tony’s that he’d used before and knew fit. He grabbed his jacket off the back of a chair and checked for his keys and phone. 

He thought about leaving right then, but decided he could at least tell Tony that he was leaving. 

He found Tony in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee and reading his tablet like nothing was out of the ordinary. “I’m going.” 

“You don’t want to stay for breakfast?” Tony asked, genuinely surprised. “I’ve got stuff here.” 

“I have somewhere to be,” Loki said. “I can’t stay. I have plans.” They both knew it wasn’t true. Loki hoped that it spited Tony. 

“But I’ve got pancake mix and coffee,” Tony said. “Have breakfast with me.” 

“I’ve got to go,” Loki said. He turned around and went to the front door. For once, Tony didn’t follow him. Loki walked to his car as fast as his feet could take him. He didn’t feel better until he was in a grocery store, picking out ingredients for a recipe that he could lose himself in. 

They didn’t talk for the rest of the weekend. 

 

Loki’s ringing phone jolted him out of sleep. It was pitch black. He blearily felt around the nightstand for it, starting to wake as anxiety coursed through him. A call at this time of night could not mean anything good. He squinted at the light as he saw Tony’s name. “Hello?” His voice cracked. 

“Hey Loki, it’s Bruce.” The voice was apologetic and thick with dread. “Look, I hate to do this, but can you come get Tony?” Loki propped himself up on his arm. “I can’t get ahold of his driver and he’s been pissing me off so much tonight—I feel like I might explode.” 

Loki took in a shallow breath. He was tired as fuck. This was the last thing he wanted to deal with. “Sure,” Loki said without enthusiasm. “Where do you live?” 

“I’ll text you the address,” Bruce said. “Thanks, Loki. I appreciate it. I really do. He’s just had too much to drink and I can’t deal with it tonight.” 

“Ok,” Loki said, fighting back a yawn. They said goodbye. He pushed himself out of bed, his feet hitting the unbearably cold floor. His entire body ached with protest as he stood, stretching. He grabbed the nearest hoodie and tugged it over his head. Then he fished a pair of jeans out of his laundry and pulled them on, sliding his phone into his pocket. 

Once he got outside, he could see his breath on the night air. The car door squealed as he slammed it shut. It seemed just as unhappy about this as he was. 

Loki took off down the road, through mostly empty streets. Very few cars were on the road. There was nothing to see but city lights and the dark sky above. Loki yawned into his hand and then reached for the heating system. It was slow to start. He turned on the radio, trying to keep himself awake. 

He got lost twice trying to find Bruce’s place. The circling back and annoyed glances at his phone’s lagging GPS wiped every last thought of sleep from his mind. Now he was pissed at Tony and trying to find a fucking address that, in the end, turned out to have been one block over from where he’d originally gotten lost. When Loki finally took the steps up to Bruce’s apartment, it was two thirty in the morning. He shivered in the chilly air and shoved his hands in his pockets after knocking. 

“Hey,” Bruce said, his smile both sorry and deeply grateful as he answered the door. The warm air from his apartment was wonderful on Loki’s cold skin. He stepped inside. 

“Loki!” Tony shouted from a couch in the middle of the room. 

Bruce’s apartment was sparse, as if he’d never intended to stay. There was the couch, a table, and a television set. The doorways leading to the other rooms were dark. “I’ll take him home,” Loki said. Bruce hadn’t taken more than a couple steps away from the door, keeping their distance from Tony. He turned to Loki and spoke with a low, quiet voice. Loki watched Tony lose interest in them and go back to playing with his wristwatch. 

“He came over for dinner. I didn’t expect him to hit the drinks he brought this hard,” Bruce said. He was turned so that he could watch Tony in his peripheral vision. “Look,” Bruce said. “I care about Tony a lot, I really do, but I can't deal with this tonight. I’ve got people depending on me to be my best when I show up for work.” 

Loki nodded his head, brushing a strand of hair back from his face. His feet ached where he stood. There was the hint of a migraine beginning on his left side. “Is there any reason why he decided to get drunk on your couch?”

The tight, uncomfortable smile on Bruce’s face was difficult to witness. “I—don’t think so.” Bruce turned to stare in Tony’s direction. “Thanks for doing this. Sorry. I’d take him home, but I just—I can’t. He’s on my nerves. I really appreciate it.” 

“It’s fine,” Loki lied. “I’ll take him back.” 

“Let me help you,” Bruce said as Loki took a step towards Tony.

Tony gave Loki a dizzy, sneering smile when he saw that they were approaching. His hand fumbled on his watch and lost the clasp that he’d been playing with. 

“Come on,” Loki said. “We’re leaving.” 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Tony said. 

Bruce pushed out a sigh, already far more fed up than Loki was. “Get in the car, Tony, you have to go with Loki.” 

Tony mimicked back at him like a child. “Get up,” Bruce snapped. 

Loki bent down to grab Tony’s arm as Bruce hovered behind him. “Fine!” Tony exclaimed. “Your couch feels like a fucking rock anyways.” He pulled his arm away from Loki the first time, but forgot to fight when he stood. Loki guided him towards the door. “When’re you going to move out of this boring hell hole and come live by me, Brucie? When you stop hoping that fellowship will open up?” 

Loki pretended that he didn’t see the rage building in Bruce’s face. “Look out for the step,” he directed Tony.

“Why’s your hair messy?” Tony asked, turning his focus on Loki. “You look tired.” 

“I wonder why,” Loki said dryly. Bruce rolled his eyes. It took the two of them to maneuver Tony down to the car, and once Tony was in, Loki firmly locked the doors. Bruce gave him another apologetic smile. His hands were in his pockets, and he was already taking a backward step towards his apartment. Loki didn’t blame him. “I’ll see you around,” he told Bruce, giving him an out from any small talk. Bruce nodded. 

Loki went over to the driver side and briefly unlocked it to get in, then started the car. Tony had propped his feet up on the dashboard and closed his eyes. When Loki pulled out onto the street however, he was wide awake again. “Your car’s a fucking dump,” Tony said. “My dad gave me an Aston Martin, you should see this thing, it’s got an engine like a—”

“Tony,” Loki said. “Shut up.” 

He reached for the radio and cranked it up. Whatever Tony’s reaction was, he didn’t see. When he hit one of the main roads, he didn’t know if he should take Tony back to his house, or let Tony stay at his apartment. He quickly decided to go back to his own apartment. It was Tony’s problem that he’d gotten himself into this mess. Loki had to work in the morning. He wasn’t going to drive across town and back just to drop Tony off. And he sure as fuck wasn’t going to spend the night at Tony’s with him. 

Tony wasn’t too difficult to get up to the apartment. “You’re sleeping here,” Loki said, leading Tony to the couch. “I’ll get you a blanket.” He turned around for one and saw that Tony was following him. “Get on the couch.” 

Tony fixed him with a sloppy smile. Then he walked right past Loki and into the bedroom. Loki heard him flop down on the bed. 

His hands clenched into fists. He didn’t want Tony around him. He didn’t want Tony to fucking touch him. But he had to be at work in two hours, and making a fight out of this when he might be able to get a sliver of sleep instead wasn’t worth it. And he sure as fuck wasn’t going to be the one to sleep on the couch. Slowly, he turned back towards the bedroom.

Tony was already asleep on his side of the bed. Deciding that he at least had a half to sleep on, Loki got in. 

 

It was still pitch black when Loki’s alarm went off. He felt Tony kick him as he reached for the sound. There were fast gasps for breath and sudden flailing. Loki fumbled for a light. 

Tony blinked in the harsh light, awareness slowly dawning on his face. He was sitting tangled up in the middle of the bed sheets, having tried and failed to get out of bed. It was a pitiful look, but rather than feeling sorry for him, Loki just felt disgusted. “What,” Tony said, rubbing his eyes. His bloodshot eyes drifted around the familiar room. “When’d I—” Suddenly, he looked at Loki, his guilt strikingly clear. “Loki,” he said. His face crumpled into a scared apology. “God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—” Loki rolled his eyes and walked to the bathroom. 

“Loki!” Tony called after him. Loki got in the shower. He was too fucking tired for his shift, and he had to be there in twenty minutes. There was no time for this shit. He listened to the water drum against the wall with few thoughts outside of being fucking tired. He’d deal with whatever the fuck Tony did after he got out.

When he went back to the room, Tony was still sitting where he’d left him. His shoulders were slouched forward. One hand twitched repetitively on the sheets it was clutched around as Tony was lost in thought. Loki took quick, long strides to the closet. Realizing that Loki was entering the room, Tony looked up. “Sorry you had to pick me up,” he said. 

Loki grabbed a shirt and tugged it over his head. “Loki, I—” Loki pulled his pants on. He was fully dressed in seconds. After fishing an elastic band out of a pocket, he set it in his teeth and pulled his hair back. “Are you mad because Bruce called you?” Loki grabbed the band and tied his ponytail. “I didn’t know he was going to call you.” A defensive, angry edge crept into Tony’s voice. “I didn’t ask him to have you come.” 

Loki ignored him and walked over to his desk. He yanked a drawer out and fished around inside. “Loki, come on,” Tony started. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry, okay?” Loki flashed a key from the drawer for Tony to see. He set it on the desk. 

“Lock up when you leave,” he said. Loki grabbed his wallet and shoved it in his pocket. He took a deep, tight breath through his nose. “And figure out what your fucking problem is.” 

Loki didn’t look back. He left the apartment to silence, too pissed with Tony to care what Tony’s reaction was, and already focused on what a bitch work would be. He’d have to take his car to work today, it was too fucking cold and early to walk. Once he was there, he had a few minutes to feel shitty about things with Tony, but that was it. The day had started and there was shit to do and customers to deal with, and he was so fucking exhausted that he didn’t have the energy to worry about anything else. He didn’t feel bad for what he’d said. Tony was the reason he was tired and miserable. He kept his phone on silent.


	30. Chapter 30

Loki was walking home from work when his phone rang. He dug it out of his pocket, expecting, maybe hoping, to see Tony’s name. It was an unknown number. He answered, thinking it might be someone he knew calling from a different phone. 

He was greeted by a manager for a retail job he’d applied to months ago. They were looking for people to start before the holiday rush, and after a few questions about availability, they hired him over the phone. His start date would be in a couple of days. Loki let out a deep sigh when he hung up, feeling lighter. Between this new job and the coffee shop, he'd be able to pay rent on his own. 

Everything else would be a tight squeeze, but at least he had rent covered now. 

When he got back to his apartment, he sank down onto the couch. He didn’t feel happy or excited, but he did feel more stable. Even with working between the two jobs, he’d be working fewer hours than he had as a chef. In comparison, it’d be easy. It’d be boring but doable, Loki told himself. 

He looked forward to telling Thor. 

He’d been meaning to call Thor anyway. He decided to save the call for the evening, when he knew that Thor would be home. 

Loki went to the kitchen, intending to make lunch. He hadn’t even gotten everything he was going to use out onto counter when his phone rang a second time. Of course, as if she’d sensed something in the world was amiss, it was his mother. 

“How are you doing?” She asked, her voice a mingle of concern and assumption. 

Loki was grateful for the news he had. “I just got hired at another job,” he said, sounding a bit young. He already knew what she’d say, but he was hoping for some approval anyway.

“What is it?” 

“I’m going to be working at a department store.” He combed his fingers back through his hair. “They’re hiring on before the holiday season starts. I’ll be working the register and tidying departments, maybe doing back up for customer service. I’m a sales clerk, basically.” 

There was a short pause before his mother sighed. “At least call yourself a sales representative so that people will be impressed.” 

Loki sat down at his kitchen table. “It’s the same thing,” he said. “It doesn’t matter what you call it.” A fresh ache opened in his chest. “At least I’m doing something. I won’t need help with rent now.” 

“Loki,” his mother said. “You’re smart. You can do anything you put your mind to.” Loki’s gaze dropped to the peeling kitchen linoleum. “You just have to try.” Her attempt at encouragement kicked the feeble good mood that Loki had been in out from under him. It wasn’t reassuring to be told that he could do anything if he just tried when he felt like he’d already tried everything he could several times over. He didn’t have an answer for her. “And how are you doing with Tony Stark?” 

Tony. Loki pressed his hand to his forehead. “He’s not paying for my rent,” Loki said, deliberately misinterpreting her question to avoid answering. 

She ignored that in order to say what she’d been leading to all along. “Your father doesn’t like you hanging around him, and I think I agree with him.” Her voice took on a preachy, if not protective, tone. “He’s too irresponsible. You don’t need that influence.” Loki found himself listening without question. “There may be a daughter of one of our partners that you’d like. She used to date the lead singer of that band—hmm—I forget the name, it won twelve Grammys.” She paused, trying to think the name. “Anyway, I think she’d like you, but you have to find better work first.” 

“Mum,” Loki said. “Setting me up with someone else is not going to fix me.” 

“That’s not what I’m implying,” she said smoothly. “You’re being too sensitive. I’m letting you know that there are alternatives out there. There were so many nice young women that we tried to set you up with while you were at school. I told you that would be harder as you got older.” 

“Okay,” Loki said, the word tough. 

“You should just try another kitchen, Loki. You might like a different one. I think you’re miserable where you are. Go get another chef job. I saw Food Network the other day, do you watch that? Why don’t you go work for Alton Brown or someone like that? I’m sure they’d love to have you.” 

Since she couldn’t see him, Loki allowed the nastiest smile he had plaster itself on his face. She always acted like he could walk in the door of anywhere and have whatever he wanted. She had no idea how things worked in the culinary field. “I hate working in the kitchen,” Loki reminded her for the hundredth time. “It makes me miserable.” 

“It’s what you went to school for,” she said, as if that answered it. 

“I have work,” Loki said. “I’m taking care of myself.” His mother sighed. He knew that only her disapproval would follow. He didn’t think that he could take any more of it today. “I’ve got to go, I’ve got training to get to,” he lied. 

“Alright,” she said. “I love you, Loki. You have a lot of talent. I believe you can be whatever you put your mind to.” 

“Bye, Mum. I love you.” He hung up and set the phone down on the table. 

He dropped his head back and stared up at the ceiling. 

She tried. She really did, she just couldn’t see things outside of her viewpoint. He knew that, and yet he still felt sick and angry with the same rote conversation they always had. It was like she couldn’t listen, or maybe it was that she just didn’t care. And he wanted her to. Even with this little small job, he wanted her to be happy for him. Maybe it was like Tony had said, maybe he knew she was wrong but still wanted her approval. That thought reminded him of the other issue. 

He didn’t know what to do about Tony. Tony had left a voice mail apologizing, and made some promise about calling back when he got his shit together. Bruce had apparently gotten Loki’s number, and he texted from his own phone another apology thank you combination. That had been yesterday. 

Today Loki had woken up feeling infinitely better with a full night’s sleep, and now he had a new job to contend with. He didn’t feel the emotional shit of the days before quite so vividly. It was just there, like the broken hum of the heater. 

He missed the old Tony. He missed talking to Tony, and the way that Tony wanted to know what had happened in his day, and how Tony was always looking for an opportunity to make him laugh or be charmed. But he was also fed up with Tony. It had been a while since he and Tony had been okay, and Loki was starting to wonder if this was the way that it was always going to be. 

He really fucking missed just being together and hanging out. No one got him the way that Tony did, and no one was as interesting to talk to as Tony. Tony made him want to go places. Tony gave him the support he’d always needed. But maybe whatever issue Tony was having was more than he could handle. Maybe it was like his father said, and Tony was getting tired of him. And his mother had said she didn’t want Loki to date him, god, maybe she was right. 

Loki didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t know what he wanted with work, and he didn't know what he wanted with Tony. He didn’t feel like he had options, and now he’d gone and fucked himself over by getting involved with Tony. He should’ve just let things be one night and called it quits. He knew, even as he thought it, that the last part wasn't true. Regardless of right now, the thought of that one night being all there was gave him a terrible sense of heartache. He didn’t regret letting it go past that. 

Standing up, he walked back to the counter. He started back on making lunch. Maybe Thor would be able to make sense of things when he called. Loki paused. Maybe he’d just invite Thor over for dinner. It would be easier to have the conversation in person anyway. He texted Thor an invitation and went back to preparing lunch, consoled a bit by the thought of getting to tell Thor that he wouldn’t have to depend on him. 

 

The game was playing on TV, but they were talking anyway. It was probably the first time that Loki had willingly turned to a game for Thor to watch, and probably the first time that Thor was only half interested in it and not yelling at what was going on. 

They had almost finished the meal that Loki had made. Loki had told him about the job, and Thor had given him a small smile and a nod of his head. They talked about Jane and how things were going in Thor’s life. Now the conversation had slowed down. Loki was pushing himself to bring up what he really wanted to talk to Thor about when Thor asked the question instead. “Do you know what’s going on with Tony?” 

Loki made a dismissive huff. “No,” he said, pulling the fork from his mouth. 

Thor frowned, nodding. He set his plate on Loki’s cluttered coffee table. “He pissed Bruce off, and Bruce really tries to keep a lid on his anger.” Thor glanced at him. “He told me that you picked Tony up. He was really grateful for that.” 

“I know. He texted me.” 

Thor sighed. “Tony’s alienating himself.” Loki turned his head to really look at Thor. The blonde was speaking with resignation, his eyes set distantly on the TV. “He got on Steve’s nerves last weekend, and made Clint take care of him before that. Clint didn’t actually mind, but—” Thor looked at Loki. “You need to talk to him.” 

“I’ve tried,” Loki said irritably. He set his plate aside so that he could cross his arms over his chest and kick his foot up on the edge of the coffee table. “He won’t tell me what his problem is.” Thor took a deep, heavy breath but didn’t immediately say anything. Loki licked his lip. “I—I’m not sure what I want anymore,” Loki confessed. “With Tony,” he clarified. 

Thor set his hands together and leaned forward towards his knees, thinking. “You’re not obligated to stay with Tony.” He spoke honestly. “Just because he’s my friend doesn’t mean that I expect you to stay with him. My friendship with Tony won’t change. I won’t hold it against you.” He glanced at Loki like he was thinking about setting a hand on his shoulder and deciding against it. “I’ll support you whatever decision you make. I want you to be happy. Don’t stay with Tony if it’s because of me.” 

“It’s not that,” Loki said, feeling a rare swell of affection for his brother. They were becoming more common. “I just—I don’t know if I can take it if Tony’s going to be like this every time there’s something bothering him.” He wove his fingers together. “What was Tony like before?” He asked cautiously. His father’s words were ringing in his ears. “Before he met me.” 

Thor took a loud, deep breath. “So much worse,” Thor said. “He—he was a lost kid,” Thor said. He sank back into the couch, looking somewhere past the TV. “We all kind of looked out for him. It was always clear that he was a good kid that could really be someone. He just needed someone to care about him.” Thor scratched his chin. “I mean, his father wasn’t there for him the way that Tony needed him. Or his mom.” Thor frowned miserably. “And losing them wasn’t easy on him.” 

Thor set his elbow on the armrest, flexing his hand. “But Loki, when I said he did the work, he did. When Obadiah betrayed him, Tony took responsibility for the part he’d played in that and in allowing his business to be run for him. He decided to change. He spent a lot of time in therapy working on himself. The Tony I know today is not the Tony I first met. I’ve seen how much he’s changed, and how hard he worked at it. And I respect and admire him for that. Maybe these last couple of weeks have been hard with him, but at least he’s trying to reach out to his friends for support.” 

“Getting drunk and crashing at Bruce’s is not asking for support,” Loki said. 

“You should talk to him,” Thor said ruminatively. 

“About what?” Loki’s jaw hurt as he spoke from clenching it too tightly. “I’ve tried. I went over to his house, I tried to get him to talk to me. I don’t know what the hell his problem is.” 

“Do you want to stay with Tony?” Thor asked. 

Loki looked away. He shook his head minutely, as if trying to shake off the question. He pressed his hand to his lips, eyes distant in thought. “Because,” Thor said, “the last time I spoke to you, you’d just told him that you love him. This is a very different conversation.” 

“Well yeah,” Loki said, his voice softer than he’d intended. “I—I don’t know what we’re doing. I can’t get through to him.” 

“But what do you want?” 

Loki combed his fingers through his hair. “I don't know.” The thought of losing Tony made his chest unbearably tight and his body sick, but his brain was critical. “I—I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into with Tony, but I miss him too.” 

“Do you like him?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said, like it was obvious. “And I love him, I do, it’s just—” His eyebrows pushed down into sharp points as he thought. He hadn’t meant to spill all of this to Thor, but here he was. 

“What do you like about him?” 

“He—” Loki’s shoulders slumped down. He felt relieved just thinking about it, but that made the dread at losing it so much worse. “He gets me. I’m better when he’s around. Happy.” Thor nodded his head, listening. “I feel like he supports me and pushes me to—be okay, you know? I like being around him, I like talking to him. It doesn’t matter what it’s about. I know that sounds asinine and cliche, but it’s true. And I love the way he tries to figure things out, and is always thinking about something, and how he's playful and funny and I don't know,” Loki’s astute green eyes fell on Thor, seeking answers. “I love him, but that hasn’t made anything easier.” 

“It won’t,” Thor said. “Loving someone doesn’t fix people, or make everything work out on its own.You’re going to step on each other’s soft spots.” He twisted the ring on his finger in repetitive circles. “You don’t have to be with someone. There’s nothing wrong with being single. You have to decide where you’re better off. You need to decide what your boundaries are, Loki.” Loki ran his tongue over his teeth. “You need to know what you can handle and what your deal breakers are with Tony.” 

Thor caught Loki staring at him as he toyed with the ring. “I’m better for it.” He let go of the ring and sat back. “Jane challenges me, but I’m better for it. She makes me a better person. And I hope I make her better.” Loki could almost feel how fragile and tender this admission was, how much Thor was letting him in. “But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. There have been several times where Jane would’ve been right to leave me. Things haven't been the easiest, especially with our family. I know that. I’m lucky that she decided to stick it out. I’m grateful. She gave me a chance to work through things together. We've both had things we've had to work on.” His gaze settled on Loki. “There’s good and there’s bad.” A faint line of worry appeared on his forehead. “You don’t have to make a decision right now.” 

Loki set his hands on his knees and leaned as far back against the couch as his hunched position would allow. He’d been hoping for a clear cut answer, he supposed. He hadn’t even realized that he’d been expecting Thor to have one until it wasn’t there. 

But hadn’t Thor had all the answers when they were growing up? Fuck, he was getting old. 

“What would make it better?” Thor asked. 

“I think it’d be easier if we saw each other more often,” Loki said. He’d finally caught on that Thor was barraging him with questions, but for once he didn’t mind. “We’re always trying to catch up.” He adjusted his foot on the coffee table. “I think that gap makes it easier for things to blow up.” Thor seemed to be considering that, but didn’t say anything. Loki tended to think of Thor as action first. Seeing him lost in thought was a bit unsettling. “What are you thinking about?” Loki asked. 

Thor’s eyebrows raised up. He shrugged. “That Jane’s better at figuring out these sorts of things out than I am,” he admitted, laughing a bit at himself. Loki felt a reciprocal smile on his face. Thor took his hand away from his chin. 

Loki watched the smile fade from his brother’s eyes, waiting to ask the question that had leapt into his mind. 

“What do you think about me and Tony?” 

Thor was not brilliant at hiding the surprise from his face. “You’re asking me?” 

Loki pouted his lips unhappily to the side. “Yeah.” Hadn’t he just said it?

Thor lifted his shoulders and dropped them with a sigh, leaning his head to the side as he turned that question over. “I think,” he said carefully, “that you’re both happier together.” He’d said that to Loki before. “Tony seems more excited about things, more involved with his life.” Thor frowned. “Bruce put it that way.” Loki was waiting for a but, a doubt to be said. “You’re—” Thor stopped and looked at Loki as if assessing a land mine. 

“I asked,” Loki reminded him. 

“I don’t think we would’ve started talking like this again if it weren’t for you and Tony,” Thor said. Loki sensed that there were other things that Thor had wanted to say, but this was more than enough to distract his thoughts. “But,” Thor said. There it was, finally. “You’re still moody, and Tony’s still anxious. I don’t know what it’s like for you. This is a decision you have to make for yourself. I can’t tell you what to do.” 

“I know,” Loki said. He scratched his fingers through his hair. “I just wondered what it was like in your perspective.” 

Thor made an odd sound in his throat, but Loki couldn’t really interpret what it meant. “Why’d you always stick it out with Jane?” Loki asked. He’d been assuming different answers for years, but now felt like the moment to ask. 

“Because,” Thor said. “I knew that Jane keeps me grounded. She’s honest. She loves me, and I know she’ll be there for me when I need her, but she never fell for that star jock stuff like everyone else.” He laughed, softly. “I fell for the star jock shit,” he confessed. “She gets things in ways that I don’t. I’ve learned to think things through the way she does, sometimes. And I wish I could look at the world with fascination over how every little thing works, like she does. I hope our kid gets that.” Loki brushed his finger against his lip, thinking. “I balance her out too,” Thor said. “It works really well, when things are going right.” 

Loki grinned. “Doesn’t everyone say that?” He asked, as if he were in on a joke. 

“It’s going well now,” Thor said seriously. “I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed my life so much, Loki. I feel at home now, like I’m right where I belong.” 

Now Loki felt like an ass for taking what Thor had said lightly. “That’s good,” he said. Thor’s hand appeared on his shoulder. 

“I didn’t always think it would turn out this way,” Thor said. 

Loki scratched his neck. He let out a deep breath as Thor’s hand receded. He got what Thor was saying. “I just—I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” It felt like the most awful thing to confess in the world, he could hardly believe that it had fallen from his lips. 

“Most people don’t,” Thor said, taking it in stride. 

Loki didn't like that answer, but it sank in as a somber truth anyway. “You don’t think I’d be making a mistake by sticking around Tony, do you?” 

“Loki,” Thor said. “If I’d thought you being with Tony was a bad idea, I would’ve said something.” Loki flexed his feet on the coffee table. “Honestly, I was more worried at the start with you and your mood swings. You have a sharp tongue, and Tony’s far more sensitive than he lets on.” Loki pushed his hair back behind his ear. “But, like I said, I don’t know what things are like from your view right now. I don’t know what goes on between you two when I’m not there. You have to make that decision.” 

“You can spare me the legal disclaimer,” Loki said. Thor snorted out a laugh. They were quiet for a moment. Thor was right, this was something that he needed to work out on his own. Now that they’d had this conversation, Loki wasn’t really sure what he'd been expecting to get out of it. He started to rerun through what had been said. “You don’t know what Tony’s been saying, do you?” 

Thor stayed very still. “You need to talk to him.” 

Loki pulled his legs up towards himself and twisted his torso to fully face Thor, setting one arm on the top of the couch. “You know what it is?” 

“Loki,” Thor said, blinking slowly. “I said that _you_ need to talk to him, not me.”

“But you know what it is?” 

Thor shook his head. “Tony hasn’t come to me to talk.” 

Loki shifted his legs under him. “But you’ve heard what he’s said.” 

“Everybody doesn’t tell me what’s going on with Tony and you. They know we’re related.” 

Loki folded his arms over his chest. “I suppose it’s too late to lie to them.” 

“Yes,” Thor said. “It is.” 

Loki pulled his legs out from under him and let them rest curled at his side. He supposed that there was no reason for Thor’s friends to pass along what Tony was saying to Thor if it was going to upset him. That would probably put them in a bad spot. “Why’d you have to be the one to be friends with Tony first?” He asked, the question teasing and careless. 

“How would you have met him otherwise, hiding away in your cave all time?” Thor jabbed at him lightly. Loki smiled, but uncomfortably recognized the truth in that statement as well. 

“He could’ve been a patron at a restaurant along the way.” 

“Uh-huh,” Thor said. He glanced at his phone, checking the time. Loki had known that he couldn’t stay much longer than dinner. 

“I’ll figure something out,” Loki said, intending to transition into telling Thor that it was okay to leave. Thor answered faster than Loki could continue. 

“I know you will,” Thor said. “Just think about it. Talk to Tony. You don’t have to make any decisions right now.” Loki’s hand had been combing through his hair. He paused with it just past his ear, cradling the side of his head. Thor stood up. “Thanks for dinner. I’ve got to be going.” 

Loki stood to walk him to the door. “Thanks,” he said. Thor shrugged. He pulled at his coat as he stepped outside, the cold wind blowing into the apartment. Thor dug into his pocket for his keys and then looked up at Loki. His eyes set thoughtfully on his brother for a moment. Keys in hand, he reached forward for a belated hug. 

“Don’t crush me,” Loki complained. 

“I can’t help it that you’re so small, brat.” Loki ducked out of his grip and back into the apartment. Thor reached for his hair and Loki blocked him with the door. He peeked out as Thor laughed heartily. “Bye,” Thor said. 

“Bye,” Loki said, shutting the door. He could hear Thor’s laugh again as his footsteps receded. Loki watched him disappear through the peephole before sitting back down on the couch. He noticed the dirty plates and put them away, then sat back down again. He turned off the game and set his feet on the coffee table in silence. A glance at his phone showed no missed calls. 

He’d have to at least try to talk to Tony again, he knew that. It’d be nice if he could stop feeling pissed towards Tony before then, but that didn’t seem likely. _I’ll call you when I figure my shit out_ , Tony had said. Loki didn’t know if that was good or bad.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be with Tony, and I'm really excited about it. I'll get it posted when I can. I so appreciate and enjoy hearing what you're thinking about the characters, feeling, speculating, and hoping for. And curious what you thought about this one! :)


	31. Chapter 31

A few days passed before Loki really heard from Tony. There were some sparse, meaningless texts back and forth, but Loki couldn’t keep track anymore once he started his second job. All of his energy went into keeping up. 

It was a miracle that Loki saw the text at all. He happened to be on break at his new job when it came in.

_Can you come over here to talk?_

Before he could reply, there was a second. _And I know you hate my place, but I need it here. I can’t make Happy drive over and pick me up._

How could one person fill him with annoyance and guilt at the same time? Loki slouched back into his plastic chair and stared at the phone. Behind him, someone pounded their fist on a jammed vending machine. _I’m working at my other job right now. Tomorrow I’m off at seven._ He’d told Tony about the retail job. Tony had only asked where it was and left it at that. Loki glanced at the clock. In two minutes, he’d be back on the floor. 

There wasn’t an immediate answer. Loki slipped his phone into his pocket and forgot about it between being told off about a shirt on the wrong size hanger and listening with mock sympathy to a speech on pricing. It was only when he was going out to his car for the night that he looked. _Okay._ Tony had sent. Fifteen minutes later it was followed by _What time will you be here?_ Thirty minutes after that was an anxious _You’re coming, right?_ Loki stood outside of his car, texting him back. 

_Yes. Didn’t see your text until work ended. I’ll be at your house tomorrow around 7:30._

The reply was instant. _Ok_

Loki imagined Tony sitting in his workshop, paying more attention to getting a reply than whatever project he was burying himself in. Loki assumed that Tony was hiding in his lab. Or doing business things. He hadn’t heard anything about Tony from anyone. Thor was busy. Loki figured that at least meant that Tony wasn’t crashing with other people or doing something stupid. He hoped. 

 

The next night, he drove to Tony’s directly from work. The house was well lit as Loki pulled up outside. A perfect row of lights illuminated the house, their symmetrical spacing lending the house a grand and futuristic feeling. 

He smelled like stale coffee and cleaning products. He’d forgotten to eat dinner.

Loki sat in the seat for a moment, just looking. His thumb tapped against the steering wheel. 

He got out. As he walked up to the house, his feet ached from standing all day. Each step sent a dull pain across the tired bottoms of his feet. He tugged his jacket in closer to himself, noticing for the first time that day that the coffee shop smell had lingered through his shift at the retail job. With a heavy weight in his chest, he rang the doorbell. 

The white door clicked backwards a minute later. Steadily, slowly, the door pulled back to Tony. 

Loki’s eyes locked uncertainly with his. Tony stepped back, allowing him in without a word. Loki was grateful to be out of the cold, but unsure of what he was walking into. Now that he was inside, the house felt familiar again. He stuck his hands into his pockets. 

“I was sitting in the living room. I’ll get you a drink,” Tony said. “Tea?” 

“Coffee,” Loki said. A slight flicker of surprise crossed Tony’s face, but he just turned around and started walking in the direction of the kitchen. Loki assumed that he was meant to show himself to the living room instead. 

Suddenly the house had lines in it again. 

Loki sank down into an armchair, the same as he had the night that he had tried to get Tony to talk to him. He could almost still see Tony pacing back and forth. Yet Tony was in the kitchen, and the faint sound of the single serve coffee machine pouring meant that it would be a couple of minutes more. Loki leaned back, trying to relax his shoulders. 

He looked over the room. It was clean. Tony’s tablet was sitting sideways on the coffee table, the corner of it hanging off the edge as if it’d been momentarily forgotten. Otherwise, there was nothing personal about the place. Loki had been forgetting that less and less, but now that he’d been reminded, it was all that he could see. It felt more as though he’d been brought to an office meeting than his boyfriend’s house. His gaze dropped to the floor. 

He was lost in his head until he saw Tony’s footsteps out of the corner of his eye. When he glanced up, Tony was carrying two mugs. He extended one to Loki. He kept the other for himself. It smelled strongly of chamomile. Tony played with the tea bag string as he sat down. 

Loki had expected Tony to look tired. Instead, Tony’s hair was that rich brown that it always was, and styled as ever. He wore a blue sweater that Loki had never seen him in. It was a slightly surprising outfit, but the bluejeans were the same as always. Tony seemed well rested and put together. He toyed with his tea a moment longer, maybe giving Loki time to speak. 

Loki took a sip of his coffee. 

Tony spoke towards his tea. “I’ve been thinking.” He turned the cup in his hands, in no hurry to elaborate. His lips tugged to the side in a small frown. “We need to talk about things.” 

Loki bit back on a _no shit, Sherlock_. “Where do you want to begin?” He asked, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. He didn’t want to fuck this up. He wanted this to go well. He’d hoped for it to. 

He was just so fucking tired of it already.

Tony took a huge, deep breath. He held his breath, then let out a long sigh. “I,” Tony said, ruffling a hand through his hair. His gaze hadn’t ventured towards Loki yet. It remained on the coffee table now. “I know I was an ass the other day, and I think I might’ve—said some shitty things to you when I was drunk.” His eyes darted towards Loki for a confirmation. 

Loki shrugged. 

“And, um—” Tony said, a little off balance without Loki saying anything on that. “Sorry about that. I’ve been trying to work things out. I, uh—” Tony’s soft brown eyes settled on him, avoiding his gaze and resting somewhere slightly to the side instead. He smiled apologetically. “I went back to therapy for the first time in over a year.” 

Loki was struck by a wave of guilt. Tony must’ve read it on his face because he hurried to speak. “I realized that I was starting to act out old habits and I got scared. I don’t want to go back to the way I was.” Tony rubbed at his beard. He smiled that awful, apologetic smile again. He quickly took a sip of his tea. “I knew I needed to go and figure out what—this is.” 

Loki had no idea what to say. He stared, wide eyed at his coffee, trying not to notice that awful smile twitching on Tony’s face. 

“It was a lot of things,” Tony said. Then he was quiet. Slowly, Loki realized that Tony wanted him to speak. 

“Like?” He asked, his voice rough and soft but expectant. 

“Like how—” Tony let out a deep breath. He leaned forward and set his mug down, then crossed his arms and sat back. “I’m always asking you what’s wrong.” Loki tried not to choke on the coffee that he was rushing to chug down and finish, needing the energy to be here for this. “But you never tell me unless I ask.” 

“I said I would work on that,” Loki said, his throat burning a little. “We talked about that.” 

“Yeah, but.” Tony grabbed for his tea again. “That’s part of it.” His shoulder was turned towards Loki as he leaned in to sip from his mug so that Loki could see more of the back angled towards him than Tony’s face. “We’ve talked about it a couple of times. You still haven’t done it.” 

Loki set his empty mug down with a rather loud clink. “Fine. Let’s talk about how I’m starting to get frustrated because instead of talking about whatever bug’s been up your ass the last couple weeks, we’re talking about the same old shit.” The words left his mouth before Loki realized that he was not playing this right. He wasn’t keeping it under control, and he’d promised himself that he’d try. He pressed his lips together. Suddenly, he felt like Tony was testing him again. That angered and scared him. “Okay,” he said, pulling the word out slower. “Why don’t we start with that I asked you about what was wrong when Steve was over here, and you blew me off.” 

“No I didn’t,” Tony said. “I told you.” 

“No, you told me that I had scared Steve off for movie night and that nothing was wrong. Then you fucked around for twenty minutes trying to avoid it before telling me some story about Clint.” 

“I told you that I was fucking scared.” Tony’s voice bristled with uncontrolled emotion. A fire sparked in his eyes. He sat up straight, focus locked on Loki. Loki was the one to break eye contact, unable to bear that intensity from Tony. The moment he looked away, his own anger rekindled. “I told you that I needed time to think.” 

“And then you asked me to spend the night and fucked me like everything was fine the next morning,” Loki snapped. “And what the—what the fuck was that, that stupid shit you started saying, Tony, I mean fuck—” Loki’s hand paused in the middle of an angry gesture to peel back and comb through his hair instead. He bit down on his cheek, bitterly recalling that morning. 

“Said what?” Tony asked. The tension in his face fell slightly when he thought of something. “Oh,” he said. “You mean the shit about Rome.” 

“The shit about Rome,” Loki confirmed condescendingly. 

“That was just—” Tony couldn’t decide what to do with his hands. After fidgeting, he folded them together and placed them in his lap. “I’ve said that to people in the past.” Loki glared at him, expecting more of an answer. “And they’ve—” Tony started sheepishly. “Eaten it up.” 

“And you what?” Loki asked. “Wanted me to? Is that some fucked up way for you to get off?” 

“What? No! I mean yes! I mean—” Tony started to stand and forced himself to sit back down. “Look,” he said. Tony closed his eyes for a brief moment. “A few months before we started dating, I told this girl that same thing because I knew she was after my money, you know?” Loki rolled his eyes, already sick of the story and tired of Tony’s roundabout way of getting to whatever the fuck it was. “And it worked,” Tony said, ignoring his reaction. “Oh my god, she was so fucking excited. We had been fucking for like five minutes. I’d met her at the hotel bar and we’d exchanged maybe ten sentences before we went upstairs. And I said that to her because I knew,” Tony said, halfway between self-righteous and embarrassed. “And I just—I hated that. I mean, here I am. Tony Stark. Turning her into a princess and fulfilling all of her dreams because why, exactly? I was just playing into this fantasy for her. She shouldn’t have gotten excited about it, she should’ve at least been suspicious, I mean I could be a fucking axe murderer and she’s willing to hop on a plane with me just because I’m paying for it?” Tony looked at Loki, expecting some sort of approval. 

“You were kind of an ass,” Loki said bluntly. 

“Well, yeah.” Tony said, glancing away. “I guess.” 

“You didn’t know her either,” Loki said. “She could’ve—”

“The point is,” Tony cut him off, “that nobody gives a shit about me unless it’s about what I can do for them. I’ve said that to lots of people,” Tony stated. “Sometimes I’ve come through on a gift or two too.” Loki was slightly bored by the confession, but Tony seemed to feel as if he was telling a revelation. “And I guess I just started doing it because I was hoping that somebody wouldn’t care. I guess I was hoping I’d be wrong. And every single one lost their shit over who I was and what I could get for them.” 

Tony let the story end there. Loki crossed his arms and tried not to start tapping his foot. “And you wanted me to what?” Loki asked. “Do the same?” 

“No,” Tony said. “Yes,” he changed his mind. He rubbed his hands across his face. “No,” he said. “It’s like, I really fucking like you, you know? And if you said yes, this’d be fake,” he said, gesturing his hand between them. “And then I wouldn’t have to be scared.” He blinked quickly, fighting back a frown. “Because I know how that story ends.” 

Loki’s chest rose and fell in a slow breath. “What are you scared of?” He asked, lacking his former anger. 

There was a slight shine on the whites of Tony’s eyes as he looked away. Tony pressed a fist to his mouth. “This,” he said, his voice wavering a little. “Is the best thing in my life, and I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified of losing it, and I’m terrified of having it.” 

“Why?” Loki asked. 

“Because I didn’t think it was possible,” Tony said, voice thick. Loki allowed him the minute he needed to pull himself together. Tony took a drink from his mug and set it back down. “Every time I think you’re going to turn out to be an asshole, you go and do like what you did about the Rome thing, and then I’m the asshole.” Tony shook his head, pressing his lips together and blinking hard. “And I really like you, and I don’t want to fuck this up. But—”

Whatever it was, Tony couldn’t bring himself to say it. Loki wanted to pull Tony into his arms and just forget about all of it, just to put Tony out of his misery. But he knew that if he did, they’d lose the chance to talk about whatever this was, and it wasn’t a risk he felt that they could afford. Loki stood, abandoning his armchair, and sat down beside Tony on the empty half of the couch. He left several feet between them, but turned and sat facing Tony as they often had on his apartment couch. He folded his legs in front of him and leaned back against the armrest.

Tony smiled, pressing his hand against his cheek. His feet didn’t leave the floor, but his body relaxed. 

“Why’d you come to the coffee shop?” Loki asked, hoping that this time he'd get an answer. 

The frailty in Tony subsided for that sharp spark in him again. Tony’s posture tightened. It was like watching a spring slowly compress. “That’s one of the other things,” Tony said. 

“That I work there?” Loki guessed. 

Tony’s eyes narrowed. “You’re miserable there.” 

“It’s work,” Loki explained. 

Tony shook his head slightly, his mind clearly going a mile a minute. “I don’t think so,” Tony said. “If you really believed that, you'd just take a kitchen job like your parents said.” 

“Do you remember what it was like when I was working in that kitchen you hooked me up with?” Loki asked, the question fierce and authoritative. 

Tony had to think about it. “You were never around.” 

“Exactly,” Loki said. “Anything else?” 

“And you hated it.” 

“So do you want to tell me why I should return to that?” 

Tony glanced at him like he expected the answer to be written somewhere on him, then sighed towards the couch instead. “If it’s just working to you, and working is just miserable, then why not take a job that pays enough? Why do you keep putting yourself in shitty situations? Why’d you—accept your parents help?” The question was slightly broken, as if Tony was utterly baffled and ashamed of not knowing the answer. 

“I am trying not to be miserable,” Loki said. He was also trying not to start screaming at Tony for not knowing better after all of this time. He couldn’t expect Tony to understand. Tony had never struggled in a similar way. “I don't see the point in going back and doing something that I know I don’t like, hoping that this time will be the time that I’ll magically like it. That’s delusional.” As frustrating as it was, it felt good to be saying the words aloud too. “And I may not have it figured out yet, but I’d rather be scraping by and taking whatever path I can to try and make something different and better than giving up and just going back to a kitchen.” 

Tony opened his mouth to say something, then quickly closed it. Loki continued. “That’s why I accepted their help. Well, my mum’s help. Because it gave me a chance to try to go in another direction, even if there aren’t many opportunities. At least there’s a _chance_ of something else down the road. That’s better to me than giving up. I know my life’s fucked up and I haven’t figured it out yet. I know it makes you uncomfortable. But I’ve told you, again and again, that you don’t need to support me.” 

“But that’s—” Tony said, the couch bouncing as he shifted with nervous energy. “How can I just watch you be so fucking unhappy?” 

Loki didn’t move. He couldn’t even manage an eye roll. He just strained to hold it all in. 

“The other night, you said,” Tony started, voice rising. “That I couldn’t handle you asking for financial support. And you’re right. I can’t,” Tony said. “And I feel so fucking shitty about it, Loki. I’m fucked up.” He took a deep breath in, pressing a hand to his chest. Loki recognized his anxiety signs. 

“Tony, are you—”

“I’m fine,” Tony said, waving off the concern. He started over. “That’s fucked up. I love you,” he said, voice breaking. “And I can’t even—” He grimaced, disgusted. “I mean, that really fucked me up, hearing you say that. How can you be fine with me not helping you out in a jam? How can I be like that? How can I just watch you and not do anything? How can you be okay with that? It’s so messed up.” 

“Tony,” Loki said. “It’s fine.” 

“No it’s not!” Tony took short breaths, his face flushing slightly at the outburst. “And you shouldn’t be okay with that! Loki. You should be upset that I can’t get the fuck over myself and even hypothetically be there for you. I make you feel like I think you’re taking advantage of me.” Loki bit his lip and looked away. “And then I say shit to you like the Rome thing. Loki, that is seriously fucked up.” 

“Everyone has insecurities,” Loki said, mumbling almost. 

“Don’t,” Tony said. “I’m an asshole.” 

“Tony,” Loki said. “I don’t really care.” He was being completely honest, and seeing Tony racked with guilt and self-loathing was not pleasant. “My job situation is my choice and my fault.” He realized he’d been chewing on his cheek. A fresh pain stung in his mouth as he spoke. “Yeah, you’ve got issues with being taken advantage of. But I’ve gotten used to it, and I don’t want you to give me money. I mean fuck,” he said, smoothing his hair back. “If you gave me money, it’d just feel like my parents.” 

“Your fucking parents,” Tony muttered. 

“Don’t talk about them like that,” Loki asserted. “They’re my parents.” 

“I hate the way they treat you,” Tony said. “It makes me so fucking angry.” 

Loki leaned back into the couch. “It is what it is.” 

Tony huffed. “Why are you defending them?” 

“I may not like the things they do, but that doesn’t mean that they're wrong about everything.” Loki buried his hands into his jacket pockets. “They put me through school and I’m supposed to be grown the fuck up by now.” 

“You know what,” Tony snapped. “I know about how hard you worked against them. Thor used to think you'd gone off the rails, with your fights with them and the tattoos and all of the things they assumed—”

“Like what?” Loki interrupted, morbidly curious. 

“That you were on drugs or whatever,” Tony said. Loki scoffed. “Point is, I know you didn’t give a shit about what they thought back then. So why the fuck do you now?” 

“I don’t.” 

“Yes. You do.” 

Loki frowned, glaring to the side. “Maybe I grew up.” 

“How?” Tony demanded flatly. 

“Well,” Loki said. “You can’t exactly flip them off and ask for money with the other hand.” He stretched one leg out to rest on Tony’s pristine coffee table. “It was easy to fight with them before. I thought I was going to make it on my own.” 

“So that makes it okay for them to yank you around now?” 

“Why are we even discussing this?” Loki asked. “I thought we were supposed to be talking about us, not my family and my fucked up career path.” 

“Because if it’s about you, it’s about us,” Tony said, losing his patience. “This affects you. It’s part of you. So it’s important to me.” Loki hadn’t considered it that way. “You can’t just separate our problems, Loki.” Tony brought his legs up onto the couch but was careful not to touch Loki. “You have to deal with my anxiety. I have to deal with your financial issues. That’s just how it is. We’re not fuck buddies anymore.” 

“We haven’t been for a long time,” Loki told him. 

“I know,” Tony said, as if Loki had insulted his intelligence. “You get my point.” 

Loki nodded his head slightly in acknowledgement. 

They sat in silence for a minute, allowing that to hang between them. Tony distantly stared at a spot on the couch. Loki rubbed a hand against his face, thinking. “You could’ve just told me,” Loki said matter-of-factly. He yawned. “I’ve never felt like you’re an asshole for the finances thing.” He rubbed his eye. He really needed some fucking sleep. “There wasn’t any need to make such a big deal of it.” 

Tony shifted slightly. 

“I mean,” Loki said. He yawned again. “You didn’t have to get drunk at Bruce’s about it. You could’ve told me.” 

There was a split second before Tony shouted. “No. That is exactly it.” Loki’s eyes widened, shock ripping through him. Maybe it had been a slightly passive aggressive thing to say, but he hadn’t been thinking that hard. He hadn’t really meant much by it. “Not once have you ever offered anything up. It’s always me. I’m always telling you my shit. And the _one time_ you ask me what’s wrong and I don’t trip over myself to answer, you throw a fit about it. Do you not think about what that’s like from the other side?” 

Loki pulled his legs in towards himself. His anger couldn’t catch up fast enough with his surprise at Tony’s outburst. He’d thought they were done arguing. “I told you about my shit with Steve,” Tony said, heartache in his voice. “I told you about the way I used to be, and yeah, I didn’t tell you about the overdose and stuff, but that shit hurts to talk about and I don’t know what you already know from Thor, so excuse me for avoiding it.” Tony scratched his fingers through his hair, messing it up. 

“And it’s fucking hard to tell everything to someone that keeps everything to themselves,” Tony said. “Yeah, you tell me about the stunts you pulled in the past and really old stuff, but not things that matter, Loki. I always have to drag that shit out of you.” 

Loki’s face felt warm. He traced a mental pattern along the outline of the couch. “I mean fuck,” Tony said. “I’m the one crying on the bed about how I felt after Steve. When’ve you ever brought something up like that to me? Without me asking?” 

Tony’s question hung there, unanswered. 

“I get it,” Tony said. “I fucking get it. You don’t feel safe sharing shit because of your fucked up family judging the hell out of you, but I’ve asked and I’ve asked, and when do you get off on that?” Tony pressed his hands down against the couch. “It’s hypocritical, is what it is.” 

Loki didn’t know what to say. He’d thought that he was sharing things with Tony, he’d never felt as though he couldn’t. He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to think of something. “I told you I was scared,” Tony said. “I mean, here I am—I love you, I really do. And this is a huge fucking thing in my life, this is huge, yeah, of course I’m going to freak out when the guy I’m in love with doesn’t even tell me—I mean—” Tony paused. “I don’t know, Loki. Think about it from my angle.” 

Loki massaged one hand with the other, still uncertain of what to say. He didn’t even have anything to be angry about, aside from correcting Tony about referring to his family that way again, but that didn't truly upset him.

“I mean,” Tony said. His shoulders drooped. “I did what you wanted about the wedding. One of best friends’ weddings. I did everything you wanted. I pretended that I didn’t know you, even though it was killing me. I missed you that whole damn day. And then you went and changed the rules in the middle of it, and I went along with it, and then you got kicked out and didn’t even fucking tell me about it!” Tony scratched at his beard. “So I go over to find out why the hell you didn’t tell me, thinking the whole time that I’ve been the one that’s been an asshole, that this is all just a fling to you and I’ve been making a bigger deal out of it than it is—and you tell me you love me.” 

A slight flush crawled into Loki’s face. 

“I mean, god, Loki. That’s what hurts—I love you too. I really fucking want this to work because I _love you_ and my life is a million times better with you in it.” Now Loki felt guilty. He couldn’t look at Tony. “But I don’t know if I can trust you to tell me anything. I don’t know if you trust me. I don’t know what it’s going to be like down the road if I have to beg and coax it out of you every time something’s wrong.” 

Loki rubbed under his nose. “I promised to work on it.” 

“I just want you to come to me first and say hey, this thing is really messing me up and hurts right now. That’s what I want. For you to be comfortable doing that,” Tony said. 

“I know,” Loki answered. He’d balled himself up in the corner of the couch, pulling his knees to his chest and shoving his hands in his pockets. “But you have to do the same.” His throat was dry. He swallowed, trying to soothe it before he spoke. “I don’t think I can live like this if this is how it’s going to be every time that you get upset. You ran to everyone but me about it.” 

“I was freaking out,” Tony confided. “But I’ll work on it.” 

“Okay,” Loki said. He was getting to the point that he just wanted this all behind them. 

“But Loki?” Loki tilted his head to the side, waiting for Tony to continue. “I need you to really try too. I can’t—wait for you to have a breakdown every time something is wrong before you tell me. You’ve—you’ve never volunteered anything, and I—I don’t think I can trust you if you don’t,” Tony confessed. “It makes me feel like you don’t like me enough or trust me enough to tell me.” 

“I get it,” Loki said. He felt like Tony was starting to repeat himself, and he couldn’t decide if it was because Tony was anxious or because he really wanted to get his point across. Loki settled on just trying not to act too annoyed about it. 

“Because, uh,” Tony said. He grabbed his feet and stared at the couch. Then he let go and tried to go for a confident posture. “I want to try,” he said quietly. “And—uh, if that means that we have to go see my therapist together, I want to.” 

Loki tilted his legs into the couch cushion. Just the mention of one made him uneasy. Tony must’ve read it on his face. “It won’t be like the one your mom tried to get you to. Mine can’t be bought out, you don’t have to worry about it, and I’ll be there with you. Most of the time, probably. And, uh, if that’s the tool it takes for us to work together, then I want to use it.” Loki released some of the tension in his gut with a deep sigh. “If it means keeping you and what we have, then I want to try. Whatever works for us.” 

Loki scratched his fingers against his head. “Okay,” he said. He didn’t have to think about it too hard. If Tony wanted it, and if it would help, then he’d say yes. It gave him a little hope to think that they were both committed to trying. “If you want me to go, I will.” Gratitude swept through Tony’s expression. “I want to try too and I—I know we’ve said this before, but we’ve both got our issues.” Tony nodded his head slightly. He reached across the couch to set a hand on Loki’s knee. 

Loki stared at his hand, just trying to process everything. 

“Tony,” he said. He’d been thinking about it. If he was ever going to say it, now was probably the time. “I know we can try and work through things, but.” He wished that Tony’s hand wasn’t on his knee. It was like that touch was dragging it out of him. “I don’t know what I’m doing. And I might not figure it out.” He half expected Tony to hurry to say something, but he stayed silent, listening. “What if this doesn’t change? What if I never get out and find the right job?” 

There was a slight sound from Tony’s throat. He moved his hand, setting it more comfortably on the couch beside Loki. 

“Just be honest with me,” Loki said. “I don’t think you can be okay with that. Maybe we’re going to put all of this effort in and still not be right for each other.” 

“You’re not your job, Loki.” Tony said. 

“You’ve said that,” Loki answered irritably. “But it’s a problem, Tony. We both know that.” 

Tony rubbed his fingers against his brow as if he had a headache. “Yeah,” he said. “I mean.” He rubbed his hands down the side of his face. “I don’t know if you’re going to be okay with work, and I’m struggling with it. I have my issues. And I know you’re miserable in a kitchen, but you’re not doing anything else. I love you, I want to see you succeed, but I have to ask myself if you want to.” 

Loki had asked for honesty, but it still fucking hurt. 

“I’m working two jobs,” Loki said. 

“No, I know, I mean,” Tony said quickly. “It’s just, that’s fine. They’re fine, but they’re not what you want.” Loki didn’t say anything. “You were not the Loki I know at the coffee shop that day. I mean, you were professional and everything, but you were so not yourself, Lokes.” 

“You didn’t really explain why you came by,” Loki said. “You sat there for an hour.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. He reached for his mug but saw that it was empty. “I—I wanted to see how you are at work. I think, maybe, I’d hoped you'd be okay there or something.” He pushed his tablet inward so that it wasn’t half off the coffee table anymore.

Loki smiled unhappily. When it faded away, he spoke. “I can’t promise you that it’ll get better and that I’ll find the right job. It’s all that I can do to put out the fires that I’ve started. My life’s a fucking mess, and maybe this is just how it is.” He blinked hard. “I don’t have any of my shit figured out, and maybe it’s not right for me to ask you to stay. It’s not an even match.” 

“No, Lokes,” Tony said. “Just—let me work on me for a bit, okay? You can’t keep kicking yourself for everything that went wrong.” 

Loki ignored that. He was exhausted and his body cried for sleep, but now his mind was wired. “Logically, Tony. I don’t have anything to offer you.” 

“What about you?” Tony asked. 

“This isn’t a fairytale, Tony.” 

“Obviously,” Tony said. “But you being enough is a fairytale? Loki. Come on.” 

“Don’t be cute,” Loki said irritably, volume rising out of comfortable. “I’m being serious. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life or my career. It’s all I can do to keep my damn apartment. How can you be okay with that? How can I ask that of you? I know you look at me and wonder if I’m ever going to get it together, and what you're tying yourself to, and I’m asking myself the same question. You could easily date someone successful without my issues that could be there for you, that you wouldn't have to worry about like this. I’m a bum. You have to see me in my shabby everything.” 

“That’s your parents talking,” Tony said. Loki leveled him with a seething glare. Tony threw his hands up. “There. I said it. That’s your parents’ voice in your head.” 

“Was it my parents’ voice when we arguing earlier this evening?” Loki demanded. 

“I didn’t say you weren’t good enough,” Tony said. “I said I’ve got people using me issues and you’ve got financial issues that are now my issues and vice versa. I said I’m being an asshole about it and need to work on it. I didn’t say that your value to me is based on money or jobs. I said I wanted to make this work.” 

“And I said—” Loki threw his head back with a frustrated groan. He rubbed his hands all over his face, as if trying to wipe the thoughts out. “Ugh, fuck. How are we going to make this work?” 

“I don’t know,” Tony said. “We’ll work at it. We can get past this.” Loki gave him a highly skeptical look from between his hands. “Listen,” Tony said. “When I met you, I was coasting. I was just getting by. Things were okay, but they weren’t great. You—you made everything change. I don't want you to leave.” 

Loki smiled at him, and then hid that behind his hands too. “I don’t want you to leave either.” He sighed. “I just don’t know what we’re going to do.” He curled his toes. “We’re fucked up,” he mumbled. 

“It’s not that bad,” Tony said. 

“We’re seriously fucked up,” Loki said. He felt Tony’s hand on his knee again. “Tony,” he said. “I love you.” He needed to say it, he just really needed to say it right then. 

“Great,” Tony said lightheartedly. 

Loki dropped his hands down to look at him. “Tony,” he said seriously. “I love you, but we are so fucked up. I don’t know.” 

Tony leaned against the couch, resting his head against the cushion. He watched Loki with a small, pensive smile turning up his lips ever so slightly. Loki wished that they were touching just then, instead of miles apart on the couch. 

“I wish we had the time to see each other more often,” Loki said. “Maybe things wouldn’t get so out of control then.” Tony hummed, thinking about that. Loki scratched a nail against the couch. A lock of hair fell over his face as he picked at that spot. “I was so pissed at you last week,” he said. Maybe it was the coffee, but he felt a little shaky. “I don’t want to leave here and go right back to fighting and trying to catch up all of the time.” 

“I guess we’re going to have to work harder at staying in contact,” Tony said. It was a light suggestion, as if it was an obvious answer. 

“What if that’s not enough?” Loki asked. He had to ask. The question was flying around inside of his head. 

Tony took a deep breath. He rubbed a hand down his nose, then at the back of his neck, as if he couldn’t find the right soothing motion. His focus settled back on Loki. “Well,” he said. Tony looked so patient and empathetic suddenly. Again, Loki wished that they were touching. When Tony spoke, the question was entirely open, dependent on Loki’s answer. 

“What do you want to do?”


	32. Chapter 32

For a few moments, Loki didn’t speak. He held the steady, expectant gaze in Tony’s deep brown eyes without moving. “I want to go on a date.” 

Tony blinked quickly, his lips parting in confusion. “A…date?” 

Loki shrugged. 

“Like a date—date?” Tony asked, running his hand through his hair and then cupping it against the back of his neck. 

Loki leaned against the couch, rolling the tension out of his shoulders. His jacket pulled taut as he kept his hands in his pockets. “Yeah. I want to go out on a date.” The surprise didn’t wear off of Tony just yet. He looked at Loki as if he had, perhaps, lost his mind a little, or maybe Tony was just thrown for a loop. “I’m hungry,” Loki said. His stomach made an unflattering sound a second later, as if to accentuate his point. He ignored it. “I’m tired.” Tony sat up straighter. “And I don’t think we’re getting anywhere with this, so let’s go on a date.” 

“Tonight?” Tony asked anxiously. Loki nodded his head. “But I—right now?” 

“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. You asked me what I wanted, and I just think it would be better than sitting around.” Tony was a little wide eyed as he looked at Loki, running that over in his head. “Nothing serious. Just going out somewhere together. That’s a date.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Tony said like Loki had insulted his intelligence. He blushed slightly and answered with a hint of a mumble. “But I’m not ready, I’m like sweating through this shirt—” He said, tugging at it nervously. Loki politely pretended that he hadn’t noticed that Tony wasn't lying. 

“Then go get ready and we’ll go somewhere when you’re done,” Loki answered casually. Tony nodded his head and got off the couch, lost somewhere between excitement and nervousness. 

“Should I get out one of my suits, we could probably get in at a few clubs, I know some people that’d let us in—” Tony started, thinking aloud. 

“Something casual,” Loki interrupted. “Just wear clothes.” He didn’t say it unkindly. Tony took the reassurance for what it was, relaxing. He had started to walk in the direction of his room and paused, a thought occurring to him.

“Do you…you can use one of the guest room showers if you need to, I’ve got some of your clothes laying around if you want?” Tony asked. 

Loki gave him a closed lip smile in acknowledgement. He already knew which clothes he’d left here because it had caused him an inconvenience more than once. He really needed to take them back home so that he could use them. “I’m fine,” Loki said. “I’ll just hang out down here.” 

Tony nodded his head and then turned around to hurry upstairs. Once he’d disappeared from the room, Loki sunk down to a lying position on the couch. 

He was slightly excited at the thought of a date. He hadn’t seen Tony enough the past few weeks. But it wasn’t as if he felt settled suddenly. It just felt like he’d found the emergency stop button on something that was out of control. And he was fucking hungry. And he wanted to see if it’d go okay. And he’d missed Tony even if he wanted to kick him in the shins. Loki closed his eyes. 

He allowed himself the hope that Tony and he would connect like normal when they went out. 

Then he boxed their conversation away, trying not to replay what Tony had said in his head. He knew he’d be doing enough of that in the days to follow anyway. Right now he could concentrate on how good it felt not to move for a while. He was exhausted. It took Tony a while to come downstairs. 

He’d showered. He smelled good, even if it was cologne and Loki always thought that felt like Tony was trying too hard, despite how much he enjoyed the scent. Tony’s hair was carefully styled in that careless way, and he was wearing a band t-shirt with some very expensive jeans. Loki knew with a glance that Tony had spent some time agonizing in the mirror. “Hey,” Tony said. He looked slightly worried at finding Loki lying sluggishly on the couch. 

Loki got up. “I’ll drive,” he said. He knew Tony wouldn’t be able to.

“Where are we going?” Tony asked. 

“I haven’t decided,” Loki said. “We can figure it out as we drive. We’ll have to go a little way before we reach anything that’s open anyway. Did you have something in mind?” Tony shook his head no. He fell in step beside Loki as they headed towards the door. 

Loki could almost touch the uncertainty buzzing off of Tony. 

“How’s work been?” Loki asked. 

“We’ve been putting some investments into green energy,” Tony volunteered. “And—remember that programming error I was telling you about?” 

“The one that nobody could figure out?” Loki guessed. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, becoming a little more at ease. “Well, it turned out that everyone had been overlooking this one small part of the coding, it was an obvious fix once we found it, I felt so stupid for missing it.” 

“What was wrong with it?” Loki asked. 

“A couple of things,” Tony said, starting to explain. He relaxed, falling into the same easy pattern he had whenever he talked about his work as they went out to Loki’s car. Loki kept asking him clarifying questions as they drove, keeping Tony on the topic of what he was doing at work. Loki knew that Tony would feel more at ease doing that, and Tony could hold up most of the conversation that way. Loki narrowed down his options and pulled in to a late night diner. Tony quieted as they found a parking space. 

“Here?” Tony asked. 

Loki took the keys out of the ignition. “They have burgers and pancakes, and I’ve seen you eat both.”

“Yeah,” Tony said after a moment. “I’m good, it’s just not—” He let the word waver off into a question. Loki’s keys jangled as he dropped his arms to his sides. 

“I want to stuff my face with pancakes and coffee. It’s pretty hard to fuck up a pancake.” 

Tony relaxed at that statement. He smiled, following Loki’s lead then, and got out of the car. 

They were seated quickly. A laid back waitress brought them their drink orders and then went right back to gossiping with an older group a few tables over from them. Aside from Tony, Loki, and the older group, there was only a group of teenagers far over on the other side of the diner, joking and shooting the paper from their straws at each other. 

Loki curled his fingers around his warm coffee mug. 

Tony flipped open the plastic menu. Somewhere inside, that little flicker of normalcy soothed a frayed nerve in Loki. 

“I can’t remember the last time I went out for a late night breakfast,” Tony said. 

“Me either.” Loki felt steady as he sat there, watching Tony read through the menu. Little expressions flickered across his face as hunched forward, his neck bent downward as he read. Loki relaxed back into the seat, sipping his coffee. He felt no rush or anxiety to start a conversation. He was content simply sitting there. Their waitress reappeared for their orders. Loki requested a stack of pancakes.

After some hesitation, Tony ordered something off the heart healthy menu and then looked down uncertainly at the table after the waitress left. 

“One of my managers at the retail store has a dry wit. I think you’d like them,” Loki said casually. 

Tony perked up a little. “Yeah? How’s that going?” He asked, voice slightly cautious, as if he was wondering if that was an off limits topic. 

“People,” Loki said, rolling his eyes. “So the first day there they had me working the clothing department with Amora, this college student that acts like she’s seen it all. She’s funny, in a way. She took me into the fitting rooms, and you would not believe the shit that piles up there, people just throw their crap everywhere. So we’re picking it up and she starts telling me about a few of our coworkers when we hear a particularly loud thump.” 

Loki took a sip of his coffee, noticing the way that Tony’s attention had finally settled comfortably onto him instead of wandering around the diner. “And another thump,” Loki said, grinning. “Amora looks at me and I can tell what she’s thinking it is just as we hear the moaning. I mean we were two rooms over, they had to hear us talking. I thought she was going to freak out, but instead she gets this devious look on her face and puts a finger to her lips before motioning for me to follow her.” 

“You didn’t walk in on them?” Tony asked. 

“No,” Loki assured him. “We go out into the hall, and Amora walks down to that door and knocks. There’s no answer. She knocks again and goes, ‘Do you need anything?’ A second goes by, and they don’t answer because they’re afraid or mortified. So she goes in the most charming, professional voice, ‘Can I get you anything? A condom? Lube?’” Loki laughed at the memory. 

“What did you do next?” Tony eagerly asked, halfway between amusement and disbelief. 

“Oh, she just said the department manager wouldn't do anything about it, so we cleaned out the rest of the fitting rooms. The couple snuck out a few minutes after we left, but Amora made sure that we were folding shirts at a place where she could see them leave.” 

Tony smiled, shaking his head a little. “Does that happen a lot?” 

“I would assume so,” Loki said. “She didn’t seem phased by it.” He rolled his eyes again, remembering how Amora had enjoyed the moment, and then reached for the coffee pot to refill his mug. “You wouldn’t believe the things that she says have happened.” 

“That’s a hell of a first day,” Tony said. 

“It wasn’t bad,” Loki said. The waitress appeared with their food. Loki cut into his pancakes and doused them with syrup. “I’m looking forward to the day I find shit in one of the rooms.” 

Tony choked on his omelette. He coughed, clearing his throat. “People don’t really do that,” he said. 

“They do,” Loki said. “And apparently there’s this old man that comes around and tries to set up dates for his grandson. Amora says he’s annoying but harmless, and doubts that the grandson knows anything about it. She didn’t even think that he had a grandson until he was showing her pictures one day.” Loki shoved a forkful of pancakes in his mouth. He was starving. 

Tony slowly cut into his omelette. “Last week a couple of drunks came in wearing evening dresses and bought eight hundred dollars worth of kitchen accessories. I’m sorry I missed out on that one,” Loki said. “But maybe the old man will try to set me up with his grandson.” Tony quickly glanced at him and then grinned when he saw that Loki was smirking, teasing him. 

“And I thought my programming department was annoying,” Tony said. He lifted a sausage off of his plate with his fork. “Do you want this? I don’t like them.” 

“Sure,” Loki said. Ordinarily he’d pass on the bland sausage, but he was too hungry right now to care. Tony dropped two of them on Loki’s plate. 

“When Clint was in high school he worked at a sports complex. He has some stories about the general public, I know they were funny, but I can’t remember any right now.” Tony turned his coffee mug around in a small circle. It was filled with decaf. The light mood slipped out of his expression. 

Loki wasn’t sure whether he wanted to pursue that, or veer things in another direction. He suspected that something had happened with Clint. He also wanted to finish off his pancakes in a state of contentment. He reached for the syrup. He was still debating what he wanted to do when Tony spoke. “Clint—” Tony said heavily. He stopped, then forced a smile onto his face. “Had a lot of stories, yeah. I’ll have to ask him to tell a couple of them again.” Tony hurried to take another bite out of his omelette. 

“Something’s bothering you about Clint, isn’t it?” Loki asked, watching syrup spill over his half-finished pancakes and mix with lumps of fake butter. 

“It’s—nothing. We’re on a date, we don’t need to talk about Clint.” 

Loki swallowed a mouthful of pancake. “You can talk about it.” 

“But,” Tony said, his brow furrowing apologetically. Loki stretched his leg under the booth to set one of his feet beside Tony’s thigh. 

“Out with it,” Loki said. “This is the third time you’ve brought it up.” He licked some syrup off the side of his lips. Tony rubbed his forehead. Loki tilted his foot to the side so that the toe of his shoe rested against Tony’s thigh. Tony sighed. 

“He just told me that if I let this slip, I’d regret it.” Tony turned his face to the side, curling his fingers along his beard as he looked over the diner. “It freaked me out because I know he’s right. And I don’t want to end up like him. What happened with him and Natasha—I don’t want to end up that way.” 

Loki cut through his pancakes with the side of his fork. “That’s why you avoided me and made me pick your drunk ass up?” He couldn’t help the snarky comment. It just slid past his lips before he could catch it. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. His shoulders hunched in as if he could ball up into himself. He reached for his mug just as the waitress came by to check on them. “We’re good, thanks,” he said, smiling at her. Loki frowned, thinking about it. He set his fork down on his empty plate and cupped his mug in his hands. “Do you ever worry that you’re going to turn out like your parents?” Tony asked.

“If I end up like my father, you have my permission to shoot me,” Loki said dryly. 

Tony gave him a look. 

“I have no idea about the biological one,” Loki said. “I guess I have a few suggestions on how he can improve his genetic makeup.” 

A small smile tilted Tony’s mouth to the side. “That’s not what I meant.” He pushed his plate aside, staring down at it as he spoke. “It’s always this fear that I have in the back of my head.” Loki’s foot beside Tony was starting to fall asleep. He flexed it, unwilling to move it away. “My dad was such an ass, Loki. He really was. It took me years to get that. I always blamed it on myself when he brushed me off or neglected me or said shit to me. I never got a chance to call him out on his bullshit the way I should’ve.” 

Loki’s steady green eyes settled on Tony with alluring attentiveness. 

“He was an engineering prodigy like me. I think I look more like him than my mom.” Tony picked at his shirt sleeve. “He was great at business, but he was involved in some shady shit.” Tony rubbed his nose. “I didn’t figure that out until after he was gone. I mean—” Tony took a breath and gave the table a hopeless look. “I could’ve figured it out. I guess I was so busy trying to impress him and Obadiah that I didn’t think it through. Maybe I was in denial.” 

“My father’s involved with a lot of dishonest business partners too,” Loki said. “I didn’t put the pieces together until after I’d started college. I still remember the day I discovered hard evidence. I couldn’t deny it anymore.” He lowered his mug into his lap. “It wasn’t a good feeling.” 

Tony looked at him quietly for a moment, but it was impossible to discern the thoughts in his head. “Everyone was always telling me I was just like him. And we were really similar, I mean, Dad could’ve gotten into MIT for engineering as a kid if his parents had been wealthy. He was always coming up with something new.” Tony scratched the back of his head, flipping up the back of his hair when he let go. “But I think he was a compulsive liar. He always knew what to say to get what he wanted. He drank too much, and I think he cheated on my mom. A lot.” 

Loki leaned the foot that was against Tony in more. Tony’s hand slipped down to his shoe and held on, briefly squeezing Loki’s foot through the rough canvas of his shoes. “And in college, even before he died, I thought—well, this is it. I drink and party all the time, I sleep with everyone, I’m wrapping up engineering degrees and getting ready to take on the company. I am just like him. I’m going to turn out just like him.” 

Loki didn’t rush to speak. He waited, giving Tony a chance to add. When Tony’s gaze towards the table became mournful, Loki told him, “a few similarities don’t make you your dad.” 

“I know,” Tony said, smiling unhappily and brushing his thumb along his mug’s handle. “Rationally, I get it. I spent a lot of time talking about it in therapy, when I was trying to work through their deaths. But—I see it. A lot. I don’t want to be my dad, I don’t want to act like him. I don’t want to make someone miserable the way he did. I don’t want to be miserable like him. For a long time, I thought it was too late. I was already becoming him. They say you become your parents. I just figured that I didn’t stand a chance.” 

Loki tilted his mug back and forth, watching the coffee slosh along the side. “I have the same fear of being my dad,” he said. “I’ve lost my temper and I yell like he does, and I spent so much time growing up in that house—there’s no way that I haven’t at least picked up some things, you know?” 

“But what do you do?” Tony asked. “How do we stop it? Do we just hope for the best and try to catch ourselves or—what?” He asked miserably. 

Loki grimaced and shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know.” He brushed a finger along his nose. Then a thought occurred to him. Loki set his mug down and rolled back his sleeve, showing Tony the tattoo on his forearm. “I told you I got this because I wanted to remind myself that I severed ties.” Tony stared at the inked knife a moment before nodding. Loki rolled his sleeve back down. “Well, right after I got it, I went and got my fingers done. I liked the one on my arm so much that I felt like I needed another. My father didn’t see them until a few months later. And you know what the first thing he said to me was?” 

Tony shook his head slightly. 

“He gave my hands a condescending look for a split second and then said, ‘I see you’ve ruined yourself for any sort of respectable business. You must be pleased.’” Loki pushed a stray strand of hair back behind his ear. “At first I was pissed,” he said, hissing the last word. “But I think he was right. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think I did my fingers because I wanted to make sure I couldn’t back out of the decision I was making to leave. I knew he wouldn’t approve. I knew he’d cut any hopes he’d had of me being his two faced businessman from hell when he saw that I wasn’t presentable enough for him. And I—I think that was my way of reassuring myself that I wouldn’t turn into him. Or what he wanted.” 

Tony’s attention lingered on Loki’s fingers. “But Thor’s always done what they wanted,” Tony said in a half-formed question. 

“Yes,” Loki said. “But my father had hopes for me. He saw that I was clever in school. Thor was always the sun—everyone adored him. He can make a valuable asset and a name for himself until the day my father decides to retire. I think my father intended to use me for advantages outside of the spotlight. Thor could do the press conferences and I could make sure behind closed doors that things got done.” 

Tony’s hand squeezed his foot again. 

“You know what my dad left me?” Tony asked. 

“Hmm?” Loki asked. 

“A fucking video tape telling me that I was his greatest creation.” Tony smiled something terrible, shaking his head. “Like I was some fucking blue print he came up with and could patent.” 

“You’re not,” Loki said. 

“I know,” Tony said, rubbing his fingers along the canvas of Loki’s shoe. “Still feels like it sometimes.” Loki gave him a sympathetic look that Tony shrugged away. “Anyway, that was part of the reason that I panicked. I feel like you’re—you’re like Clint said. If I lose you, I’m going to be losing the one person that I feel gets me. And if that happens, I’m going to spend years drowning in regret about it like Clint.” A soft sound came from Loki’s throat, about to answer, but Tony wasn’t done. Loki quieted, not wanting to miss it. “And if that happens because I’m acting like my dad…” Tony drifted off, not knowing how to finish it. He recollected himself. “I mean, I was starting to party again, sort of. In a not healthy way. Because I was freaking out. I thought I was going to end up like my dad, a loaner, and then you came along and for the first time I thought, I hoped, I saw a chance that it was possible for me not to be like him. That my life could turn out different.” Tony set his hands on his thighs. “And then I started freaking out and fucking it up because I was anxious as hell about fucking it up. And now we’re sitting here and it’s like I don’t know how we got here.” 

“Tony,” Loki said, feeling a sudden surge of protective affection for Tony like he hadn’t felt in weeks. 

“I know I was being an ass,” Tony said. “And I know we have our issues to work through, but Bruce told me one time that I have my mom in me too. And she loved me, she really did. I know that. I’m still fucking pissed at my dad for the way he was with her—but I don’t know her side. Point is though, I can have the traits that my mom had and I loved.” 

Loki licked his lips, unable to reach for a hand or cross the table as they were. He’d have to settle for words instead. “We can work on that together,” Loki said. “I have issues with my father too, and I’ll help you not become yours if you help me not become mine.” Tony smiled. 

“Deal,” he said. 

Loki grinned back at him. 

“You’re the first person I think I’ve ever honestly been in love with. I mean, maybe I thought I was with one or two people before, but that seems ridiculous now,” Loki said softly. “I know I’m not good at saying it, but I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Tony said congenially. He looked at Loki a moment before saying, “I’m exhausted. Do you wanna head out?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said, swiping the check that had been left on the table ages ago and standing up. He saw Tony notice the bill. “I’m getting it. Don’t argue with me or you’ll piss me off.” 

Tony was quiet before saying a small, “okay.” 

 

A few snowflakes drifted down as they walked out into the dark parking lot. The car didn’t want to start right away, but as soon as it did, Loki turned up the heat. They drove back in the direction of Tony’s house. 

“Hey,” Loki said. The streetlights zipped past them and cast long shadows inside the car. “What’d you and Bruce talk about that night I picked you up?” 

Tony sunk down a little into his seat, stretching his feet up under the dashboard. “Oh,” he said. “I—we talked about my flings in the past and why I’m freaked out by a real relationship.” 

Loki dragged his teeth down on his bottom lip, uncertain of how he felt about that. “What’d you say?” 

“Pretty much the same thing about Clint and that I was freaked out,” Tony said. “He didn’t want me to go that far into it. I think I was making him uncomfortable, but it was after you told me to figure my problem out that I realized I needed to see my therapist again. Bruce isn’t my shrink. He’ll tell you that.” Tony leaned his head against the window. “Sometimes I forget that.” 

Loki wasn’t sure what to say to that, but he was curious. “What’d he say?” 

“What Clint and Steve said.” 

Loki drummed his thumb against the steering wheel. “Which is?” 

“That I’m happier,” Tony said. “And still a self-destructive ass, as Steve put it.” 

Loki bit back on making any reactive noises. “When did he say that?” 

“He texted me that,” Tony said. “When I was getting on his nerves.” Tony rubbed his eyes. “I’m going to have to throw a house party and have them all over to make up for the way I’ve been.” Loki tried fighting back a yawn as he heard Tony yawn. “I’m sorry,” he said. “The last few weeks have been really shitty.” 

“Yeah,” Loki agreed. He yawned and reached to turn the heat down. It was not helping him with the whole being awake to drive thing. 

“I have your key,” Tony said. 

“I know,” Loki said. Then it occurred to him what Tony was asking. “Keep it.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah,” Loki shrugged. “If you want.” He caught the small smile that flashed across Tony’s mouth faster than Tony could hide it. “I missed you. And we’re going to have to work on the whole seeing each other more thing.” He rubbed his face. “Tomorrow.” He was too exhausted now. 

“That sounds good,” Tony said sleepily. 

When they pulled up outside of his house, Tony got very stiff and alert again. Loki’s keys jangled as he turned the car off. “Will you stay tonight?” Tony asked, strained. He stared directly out the windshield. 

It made Loki uncertain about whether Tony wanted a no or a yes. “If you want. Do you want me to?” He asked. 

“Yes,” Tony said. 

“Okay,” Loki said, grabbing the door handle. The moment they started walking up to the house, Tony was fine again. He wrapped his arm around Loki’s waist until they got to the front door, and Loki found that he didn’t mind at all. It was a quiet, wordless procession upstairs. They fell into bed without anything more than Tony telling Loki that he’d left some of his pajamas there from before as they changed clothes. Loki was ready to pass out the moment that his head hit the pillow. It was only when Tony’s movements woke him out of falling asleep that he realized that Tony dearly wanted to be a little spoon. He pulled Tony into him, drifting right off into sleep as the warm, steady weight against his chest settled.


	33. Chapter 33

Loki woke up to his phone’s alarm. The bed was empty. Tony had to have left for work a couple of hours ago. Dragging himself out of the warm covers, Loki quickly dressed in last night’s clothes, intending to get back to his apartment and shower before work. He took his pajamas with him.

Halfway down the stairs, he realized that something was amiss. There was a light, slightly burnt smell on the air. It was too faint to tell what it was. The scent grew stronger towards the bottom of the stairs as Loki finished his hasty dash down. 

He followed it to the kitchen and found Tony hunched over the stove. 

“You’re burning them,” Loki said. He recognized the smell now.

Tony turned around, a slightly sheepish smile on his face. He had a spatula in one hand. Loki glanced past him to the tortured eggs in the frying pan. “But they’re still runny.” 

“You need to turn the heat down,” Loki said. As he looked down at the pajamas in his arms, he forgot about what Tony was doing. He could spare a few minutes to grab the other clothes he’d been missing. That was probably a good idea. 

“Aren’t you going to stay for breakfast?” Tony asked. 

Loki glanced up just in time to see the worried appraisal that Tony was giving his outfit. “I need to get back so I can shower and change into my other uniform. This one smells like stale coffee and grease.” He adjusted the clothes in his arms. “I think I’m going to run back upstairs and grab a couple of things.” 

“I—was going to make you breakfast,” Tony said. He smiled, almost apologetically. 

Loki smiled back reflexively. He’d already forgotten about Tony’s still going attempt at an omelette, and he didn’t have any interest in tasting the results or in showing Tony how to start over and do it right this morning. He had to get back. He needed to shower and get dressed. He also didn’t want to disappoint Tony when he was trying so hard. “I’m sorry,” Loki said. “I don’t have time to stay and eat. Next time, okay?” 

Tony nodded and turned back to the stove, acting as though nothing was amiss. 

“I’ll be right back,” Loki said quickly, dumping his pajamas on the counter and rushing upstairs. He returned a few minutes later with a couple of shirts and a pair of pants he’d been missing. They’d been neatly laundered and folded at some point before they ended up wedged inside of Tony’s dresser. 

Tony had plated a sorrowful looking omelette and was working on pouring a cup of coffee. He looked over his shoulder at Loki. “I have some go cups if you want to take some coffee with you.” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. “That’d be great.” He grabbed his pajamas off the counter, wishing he had brought a bag. Tony bent down to dig inside the cabinet. Loki noticed the way the cotton fabric of Tony’s shirt stretched across his shoulder blades. It was strange for a moment. It was like he’d forgotten how much he liked that. As Tony stood back up, Loki caught a glimpse of the skin between his shirt and pajama bottoms with interest. The oddness grew. 

Then Loki forgot about it as he fumbled to tuck all of his clothes under one arm and extend the other so that he could take the coffee from Tony. “Do you want like a protein bar or something?” Tony asked. “I think I have some around here.” 

“Sure.” 

As Loki watched Tony sort through a cabinet, trying so hard to make an effort, Loki knew he needed to do something as well. Tony was really trying, wasn’t he? It all felt so uncertain and fragile. “Uh,” Loki said quietly. Tony didn’t hear him. 

Tony came back with the protein bar. Loki set down his coffee so that he could take it. As Tony set it in his fingers, Loki pushed out of himself, “we can talk about trying to see each other and be around more when we’re off work.” He slid the bar into his pocket and reached for his coffee, avoiding eye contact. “And other stuff if you want. I’m off tomorrow evening or Thursday evening.” 

Loki bent down to take a sip of coffee. He glanced at Tony. Tony looked no different. His expression hadn’t changed. “Yeah,” Tony said. “Wait here a second.” 

“Tony,” Loki said, adjusting the pile of clothes under his cramping arm. “I really have to go. I’m going to be late.” 

“I know,” Tony said. “It’ll just be a second.” He turned around and disappeared down a hall, leaving Loki half in curiosity and half in tired, impatient agitation. 

Tony reappeared a minute later. Loki watched the soft fleece of his pajama pants shuffle towards him. “Here,” Tony said. He held out a thin, transparent card between two fingers. Loki had to set his coffee down on the counter to take it. He felt an anxious twinge at first, thinking it was a credit card, but quickly realized that it was something else as it caught the light. 

“Is this a key card?” Loki asked, turning it over. There were no obvious identification marks. Just a chip and a gold colored band across the clear plastic. He’d seen Tony use a red one before. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. 

“Thanks,” Loki said, starting to feel a little overwhelmed. He swallowed it down. He was going to be late if he kept stalling. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tony said casually. “Around eight?” 

“Yeah.” Loki slid the card into his jacket pocket. 

“Okay,” Tony said. His lips twitched in what might’ve been a smile, or maybe it was just a nervous tick. Otherwise, Tony just gazed expectantly at him, like he was waiting for nothing more than Loki to go and for him to get back to eating that burnt omelette. 

That didn’t feel quite right. 

Loki leaned in, trying to make up for whatever was absent. He pressed a quick, thankful kiss to Tony’s cheek, instantaneously aware of the warm jolt it sent down his spine and the scent of Tony’s shave balm. Tony stayed in place as Loki took a step back. “I’ve got to go,” he said lightly. “See you tomorrow.” 

“Okay. Bye,” Tony said, as if this was just how they always parted. Loki took a sip from his coffee and started to walk towards the front door. He turned back around. 

“Your place or mine?” He asked, catching at the same time the tender, elated smile on Tony’s face. Tony looked up from the floor, hiding the smile and snapping back to a casual normality instantly. 

He hesitated before answering. “Mine?” 

“Okay,” Loki said, looking him once over before turning back around, almost hoping to catch that smile again. Loki let himself out the front door and walked back to his car with a similar expression. He tempered it with frequent sips of coffee, and sank down into the driver seat with a feeling of contentment. 

It didn’t start to really hit him until he was driving. 

Tony had just given him his key. 

As in the key to the house that Tony had massive security issues about. 

Of course, Loki knew that the house keepers let themselves in and out. Tony wasn’t home all day. He had to give people cards. Loki knew that, but he also knew this wasn’t really the same thing. 

Tony was taking a huge fucking step. 

Maybe things weren’t so bad. 

Loki giving up his own key had meaning, but Loki didn’t have the territorial issues that Tony did. If Tony showed up uninvited, fine. Tony did that key or no key. He trusted Tony not to take anything. He felt no discomfort letting Tony have that key, aside from the fact that yes, Tony could show up when Loki was feeling pissed with him. That was inconvenient. But that had been the only drawback that Loki considered. And that hadn’t stopped him. 

Fine, maybe he hadn’t been happy with everything that Tony had said last night, but fuck was Tony trying. That had to mean that Tony wasn’t completely upset with him. Or that he wasn’t giving up. 

That idiot. 

Why was he so fucking confusing all the time? 

When Loki got to work, he spent the day seesawing back and forth between smiling at the key and winning last night’s argument in his head.

* * *

Loki’s heart skipped a couple beats when he pulled the key card from his pocket. He hadn’t wrung the bell. He just wanted to see if it worked. The simple white panel beside the door had never really captured Loki’s attention before, but now he held the key card a few inches from it. His heart made a strained thump. After a moment, Loki held the card against the panel.

The front door opened with a simple click. 

Loki was smiling before he caught himself. 

He rubbed at his face, shutting the door. Then he rang the bell. 

Tony appeared a couple minutes later. “You can let yourself in,” Tony said. 

“I just wanted to give you a moment to hide your stash,” Loki said. “And any unmentionables.” Tony lightly shoved at his arm in retaliation, rolling his eyes and laughing a bit. As they walked into the living room, Loki saw that the fireplace had been lit. Flames sprung up around faux logs. The scent of cranberry and cinnamon filled the air. He spotted a candle burning on the coffee table. “We got candles like that in at the store for the holidays,” Loki said. 

Tony sat down on the couch. “Yeah,” he said. “Sharon, one of the maids, set that up for me. She’s really into decorating. That’s her work too,” he said, pointing to a garland curled along the entertainment center. 

“That was nice of her,” Loki said. He sat down beside Tony. There was already a cup of coffee waiting for him on the table. 

“Yeah. She's nice.” Tony helped himself to the tea he was having. 

“We’ve got Christmas music playing at work. It’s everywhere. I’m already sick of it,” Loki said. He pulled off his jacket and slung it over the arm rest. “I’ve got to figure out what I’m going to do for the holidays with my family,” he complained. “My mother will expect everyone to come for dinner. I wonder if Jane will come this year,” he thought aloud. 

Tony grimaced. “She probably has her own family gathering to be at.” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. “But Mother will expect her to come with Thor. They’re married now.” He started to think about how all of that would play out, but then an obvious question occurred to him. “Are you doing anything for Christmas?” 

Tony combed his fingers back through his hair, taking a breath. “Usually I fly out to Malibu or somewhere tropical and find the best looking member of the lonely hearts club I can and celebrate that way.” He set his tea down. “I wasn’t really planning on that this year.” He glanced at Loki, as if deciding whether or not he could tease him. “Unless you changed your mind about my dick seeing other people?” 

“You know exactly how I feel about that,” Loki said flatly, but carefully enough to let some humor to slip into his tone and show Tony that it was okay to joke. He knew Tony wasn’t being serious. 

“Yeah, well. Nothing can compare anyway. I’m pretty much ruined for anyone else.” 

“Did you just compliment my dick?” Loki asked slyly. 

Tony grinned. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“I thought you’d at least wait five minutes before trying to seduce me,” Loki said. He took a sip of his coffee. Tony laughed. Loki realized that he’d forgotten about the question. “Are you doing something for Christmas?” 

Tony had apparently been thinking that he had escaped giving a clear answer. He hesitated before he replied. “No,” he admitted. “I guess—I guess I’ll hang out with Bruce or something. He usually volunteers on Christmas, I think.” Tony hurried to dismiss what he was saying. “I don’t really care that much about the holiday. I’m not really religious. It’s just what I grew up with.” 

“Same for me,” Loki said, trying to avoid a conversation on religion and skipping right to what he needed to say. He couldn’t fucking let Tony be alone. “Stay with me on Christmas,” Loki said. “We can go do something.” 

Tony frowned. “But aren’t your parents expecting you? I don’t want to make things hard on you, Lo.” 

“Don’t worry about that,” Loki said. Tony was being an idiot. Loki would work something out. He’d talk to Thor. It didn’t matter, he could find a way to make it work, as long as he could get that self-deprecating expression off of Tony’s face. “I’m not going to let you be alone on Christmas, Tony.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” Tony said. “It doesn’t bother me.” 

“Well it bothers me,” Loki said, unhappiness and anger slipping into his tone. Tony quieted at that and offered no counter argument. “Just plan on being with me,” Loki decided for him. Tony didn’t contradict him. He set his feet on the coffee table. Loki decided to move on to the conversation he’d been practicing in his head. “Do you want to talk about things?” Loki asked. Tony shrugged, pulling on his shirt hem. “Because I’m making an effort to talk. You don’t give me credit for trying, but I am.” 

Tony blinked slowly, like he was flinching. “No, I know,” he said. “I guess I’m calmed down about it now.” 

Loki took a deep breath through his nose. Then what was the fucking point of the argument the other night? “Well,” Loki said, pushing past that. He’d already decided on what points he was going to make. He might as well make them. “We need to figure out an arrangement for how we’re going to see each other more.” Tony bit on his bottom lip. “I know how far apart we live is shitty,” Loki offered. “And I live right next to the coffee shop. Maybe on the mornings I work there you can stay at my place, and I can stay here the other days. Or we could do it weekly, or every couple of days. I have to make sure I don’t keep leaving my clothes laying around though. I’m going to forget my uniform and be fucked one of these days if I do.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “I was thinking the same thing. The sometimes-weekends isn’t enough.” 

“So alternating weekdays?” Loki asked. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. 

“Which ones?” 

“Whichever,” Tony said. “I know we need to figure something out.” 

Loki felt like Tony was stalling. 

“What do you want to do?” Loki pushed. 

Tony rubbed his hands against his cheeks. “I don’t know,” he said. “We can figure it out.” 

“That’s what we’re doing,” Loki said, voice steely but not yet snapped. Tony flexed his neck like he was fighting off a cramp, then rubbed it. 

“Whatever’s fine.” 

Then why the fuck did he give Loki a key card? Why the fuck was he making this hard? “Tony,” Loki said. “I’m trying to do that whole talking thing you wanted and you’re making it really hard.” He recognized the anxious flicker across Tony’s features and calmed by a fraction. “What’s wrong?” 

Tony clenched and unclenched his jaw. He opened his mouth and closed it, setting a hand on his knee. Then he blurted it out. “I still feel shitty about not helping you.”

“Well get past that,” Loki said. Tony glared and his lips pinched, like he was on the edge of arguing. “It is what it is, I’m not interested in arguing about it again,” Loki said. “You know how I feel about it.” 

“But if I gave you a job you could just live with me,” Tony said. Loki blinked quickly. He hadn’t thought about moving in together. He hadn’t thought that Tony was there yet. He wasn’t sure if he was. Staying over together was one thing. Packing up and moving in was another. Tony seemed to realize the same thing. He hurried to add, “or you could live close by or whatever. You wouldn’t have to drive so fucking far. I don’t know, Loki. Thinking about how you have to drive all the way out here because of me makes me feel shitty about it.” He crossed his arms. “And me staying at your place is hard too,” he mumbled. “If somebody calls me and needs me, I can’t get in right away.” 

Loki took in a long breath. It shuddered out of him. “Okay,” he said. Fuck. Shit. “Let’s just figure this out for right now,” Loki said firmly. “We can figure out a better solution for something more long term later. Maybe I’ll find a better job and this will change.” He felt like a fucking liar about the last part, but that wasn’t the point. “I just know that if we don’t figure out something about right now, this isn’t going to work. The back and forth is too hard.” He swallowed. He’d mentally rehearsed the last part, but it didn’t make it easier to actually say aloud. “I need to see you more.” 

Tony leaned back against the couch. “I know,” Tony said. “We do. I’d rather have you around.” He let out a huffy sigh, puffing his cheeks a bit as he did. “Fine. Okay. Let’s try the coffee house thing for a while and see if that works, and if it’s too hard, we’ll do the weekly thing.” His eyes wandered down Loki’s chest to his pants. “Where’s your schedule?” 

Loki realized that Tony had been looking for his phone. Loki dug it out of his jacket. “I’m at the coffee shop three mornings this week,” he said, flipping over to the calendar and setting the phone down for Tony to pick up. Tony took out his own phone and copied it in. 

“I’ve got an early meeting one of these days, but I can make it work,” Tony said. He set his phone down. Loki stared at him, waiting for a sign on what direction this was going to go in. “I, uh, bought some cakes from this specialty bakery near work. Do you want to have some?” 

“Sure,” Loki said. His biggest concern had been taken care of. He didn't feel like pushing for anything else at the moment. 

Tony stood up. “Let’s go in the kitchen,” Tony said. He blew out the candle on the coffee table as he grabbed his phone and tea. Loki followed him into the kitchen. He sat down on one of the barstools. 

The white box Tony carried over was filled with delicate little cakes. He set them down carefully on the counter. Tony was really trying again. Loki almost felt guilty. As he watched Tony attempt to move the small cakes from their frilly wrappers and onto serving plates, he felt a bit defensive. There was no need for Tony to keep trying so hard. They had a fight. They'd both been pissed. He wasn’t sure why Tony felt the need to make up for it. 

Tony set a fork on a plate and slid it over to Loki. “Thanks.” Loki didn’t reach for the fork just yet. “You know Tony, you don’t have to spoil me just because we had a fight.” 

“I just wanted to try them,” Tony said. He was testy about it. As he shoved a forkful in his mouth, he gave Loki a reproachful look. 

“I mean it’s nice,” Loki said. “But you don't have to.” 

Tony set his plate down with a clatter. Then the wind dropped out of his sails. “I know,” he relented. “I just feel bad about it.” 

“Let it go,” Loki said lightly. Tony had meant what he’d said, and Loki didn’t feel like getting into it right now. He just wanted to fucking drop it. “I know you were mad, and so was I. But we’re going to fight, Tony. Thor and Jane have fights and I still think they’re a good match.” He paused, letting that sink in for Tony. “Can we get back to talking about how much you love my dick? I don’t want to waste the whole night bitching.” 

“Can you stop analyzing everything?” Tony asked. It wasn’t really an accusation, although it could be. “You’re too smart. Let me get away with something, would you?” 

It was light enough to still be teasing, but it felt sincere too. 

Loki recovered quickly, coming back with a devious grin. “I’ll see what I can do.” He set his chin on his hand. “Although I can’t make any promises.” 

“Yeah, finish your cake. Getting back to the dick compliments is a good idea. It does shit to me when you make that smug ass face.” Tony rubbed his hand against his chest, eyeing Loki skeptically. 

“Does it?” Loki asked innocently. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. He grinned. “It makes teasing it off that much more fun.” He leaned in across the counter, as if about to make something of his promise, when his entire expression changed. “Did I blow that candle out?” He asked, standing up. “I don’t think I did.” 

“Tony. I saw you blow it out.” 

“I’m just going to go check,” Tony said, walking out. Loki watched him disappear, then turned back to his cake with a sigh. He finished it in a couple bites. There was chocolate on his lips when Tony returned. “I did,” Tony said. “I just forgot to turn off the fireplace, but it has a timer.” 

“I told you that you did,” Loki said. He licked the chocolate off of his lips. The motion caught Tony’s eye. Loki smirked. “Bedroom, then finish desert later?” 

Tony’s answering grin was more than enough. 

It was the kind of aggressive, hedonistic sex they’d had in the beginning, and every time that it veered too close to being too intimate, one of them would quickly correct things. It was satisfying, in a pent up release sort of way. Loki felt some of his unvoiced anger from the weeks before melting away with the limp feeling in his limbs. As he recovered on his half of the bed, coming down with a relieved contentment, he heard Tony sit up. 

“I think I’m going to go get dessert and bring it up,” Tony said. Loki thought that was a bit strange, but just closed his eyes and laid there as Tony ran downstairs. The bed bounced when Tony returned and sat back down. Loki listened to the box crack open, and the faint sound of Tony chewing. He opened his eyes. 

“What’re you thinking about?” He asked. 

Tony shoved the rest of a cake in his mouth. “Nothing,” he mumbled. “Just wishing we could do that again right now.” Loki grinned, but wasn’t inclined to move. After a while Tony shoved the cake box onto the nightstand. “Is it okay if we have the television on for a while?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said, thinking there was no reason for Tony to bother asking. 

It wasn’t until he became cold and crawled under the covers beside Tony that he understood what was going on. Tony curled into him and held on with a tightness that was entirely unnecessary, like Loki was going to be yanked away from him at any moment. Loki stroked his fingers through Tony’s hair, repeating the motion until his hand grew tired and he settled for setting his chin over Tony’s head instead. It was a long time before Tony’s grip loosened. They watched the television in silence for ages, until Loki started nodding off and Tony reached for a remote.

  


* * *

The first day into their new staying over arrangement, they had a quiet night. Loki came back late and exhausted to Tony’s. There wasn’t much that happened. The second day in, Loki got back right before Tony. In the early evening, Loki found himself on Tony’s couch, reading a book as Tony muttered to himself and tried to work through something on his laptop.

“I just don’t understand why they can’t file this shit like they’re supposed to,” Tony grumbled, slamming his finger repeatedly against a key. 

Loki lowered the book into his lap. “You could take a break,” he suggested. 

“Report’s due tomorrow,” Tony said without letting up on the key. “They fucked up the formatting cells. I swear, they’re jacking off in the training seminars. This is ridiculous.” Loki’s hand hovered over the page in his book. “There. Got it.” Tony’s voice receded back into a barely intelligible mutter as he went back to work. 

Loki had gotten lost in his book again when he heard Tony address him. “Did you talk to your family about Christmas?” 

He glanced at Tony. His brown eyes were set on the computer screen, diligently reading something, but Loki knew without a doubt that Tony was paying very close attention. He set a hand on his book. “No,” he said. Tony stopped pretending to read, listening. “I will,” Loki said. “I just—need to talk to Thor about it first, and probably see my mother in person.” 

Tony’s fingers returned to typing on the keyboard. Loki assumed that meant everything was answered. He was a few sentences into his book when Tony asked, “are you going to tell them you’re not coming?” Loki listened to Tony’s clicking keyboard for a few seconds, thinking. 

“That’s the plan,” he said. 

“Won’t that fuck everything up?” Tony asked. 

Loki traced his fingers along the edge of the book’s cover. “Possibly,” he admitted. “I’m not really sure how they’ll react.” 

“You don’t have to do this,” Tony said. He was typing especially fast now. Loki tapped his finger against the book, pressing his lips together. 

“I know,” Loki said. 

Tony’s hands paused above the keyboard. “You know I’m not going to be upset if you change your mind.” 

“I already said I was going to,” Loki said. “Do you not want to see me on Christmas?” Tony kept quiet, not daring to look at Loki. “Then don’t worry about it.” 

Tony quickly typed something in. “I just don’t want it to be like the wedding,” Tony said quietly. 

“Noted,” Loki said. “Is there anything else you'd like to say about the wedding?” Tony shook his head. Great. Loki leaned his book down, away from himself. “I’m not letting you spend that day alone, moping by yourself. Besides, I’d just be miserable with my family anyway.” 

“I don’t mope,” Tony said. 

“Are you sure about that?” Loki asked. Tony looked up from his computer for the first time since their conversation had started. He caught Loki’s teasing raised eyebrow and grinned, glancing away to the side. 

“I don’t,” Tony insisted.

“Please. I’d come here and find you either elbow deep in some arbitrary project in your lab or, more likely, with your robots, drinking and watching whatever Christmas movie was on tv, _pretending_ to be snarking at it.” 

Tony laughed a little, but didn’t correct Loki. As the clicking sound of his fingers on the keys kept a steady rhythm, Loki returned to reading. It had been a bit strange at first to just be in Tony’s house with no intentions or plans except for simply being there, but he thought he could get used to it.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoy hearing what you're thinking about the characters, hoping for, and feeling. You can also try and catch me[ here](http://chaoscrafter.tumblr.com) on tumblr, though I don't post often. Next chapter will be as soon as I can. :)


	34. Chapter 34

Loki paced back and forth in his apartment, casting wary glances towards the clock. Tony was making his way through rush hour traffic and would be arriving soon. “I am not telling you not to,” Thor said in his ear. “I’m happy for Tony to come. I am. But Father will be—”

“I _know_ ,” Loki cut him off. “I don’t wish for him to be around Father, but I think it as likely as you do that Mother will not concede my total absence.” 

Thor was silent. Loki easily imagined the constrained expression on his brother’s face as he held the phone. “I will try and help you keep things under control if Tony comes,” Thor said. Loki paused in his pacing. “But it may be difficult with Jane already being there. There’s a lot to contend with, Loki.” 

Loki made what might’ve been a laugh. Maybe it was just scoffing. “Or,” Loki said. “Mother and Father will be so overwhelmed between the two of us and our partners that they won’t know what to do and simply sit there.” 

Thor did manage a stiff laugh. “Maybe,” he said. 

“I’ll try and help you too,” Loki said. He thought he heard a car beep outside, locking its doors. It sounded like one of Tony’s cars. “I’ve got to go,” he said. 

“Let me know what happens with Mum,” Thor said. 

“I will.”

He hung up his phone as he went over to look out the peephole. To his disappointment, there was no one. Snow steadily fell down into the parking lot, obscuring the light poles and accumulating on cars. Loki sighed. He went and sat down on the couch. 

Fifteen minutes later, he heard a key fumbling at the door. Tony stepped inside, smiling with a dusting of snow on his beard and clothes. Loki walked over, taking the heavy paper bag from under Tony’s arm. “Chinese food again?” He asked teasingly. 

“I had a craving,” Tony said. He leaned in, stealing a kiss the way he often wanted to. It was becoming a habit. The snow on his beard was cold against Loki’s skin. 

“Well,” Loki said. “I suppose it’s alright.” 

“Whatever,” Tony said, taking his jacket off. He piled it along with gloves, a hat, and scarf over the back of Loki’s couch, then followed him into the kitchen. “I’m freezing,” Tony said. 

“You just came in from the snow,” Loki said. He pulled open a cabinet. 

“Loki,” Tony said, hovering behind him. Loki turned around with two plates in his hands. “I’m freezing. I might have hypothermia. I could die.” The pathetic exaggeration was oddly endearing. Tony had a mischievous grin on in spite of his best efforts to appear pitiful. 

Loki rolled his eyes, fighting off the smile on his lips as Tony’s hands came in around his waist. He flinched when Tony’s cold, clammy hands went up under his shirt. “Fuck! You really are freezing.” 

“Mhmm,” Tony confirmed, pressing his face into Loki’s neck. His cold nose dragged along the searing hot column of Loki’s pulse. 

The dinner plates pressed into Loki’s chest. He tried to free one arm to grab the back of Tony’s neck and bring those lips to a place where he could devour them. Tony was only too happy to allow it. 

The plates clattered as Loki managed to drop them back onto the counter before Tony pressed him back against it. Loki gasped for air, ignoring the fact that he’d already wrapped one leg around Tony to draw him in. “What did I say about the kitchen?” He asked breathily. 

“No fucking in your fucking kitchen,” Tony answered. He grinned, pulling back a little and taking Loki with him. The look he gave Loki went straight to his groin. He shoved a hand against Tony’s shoulder, pushing them towards the other room. He was missing a shirt and a belt by the time that Tony landed with him on the bed. 

 

Loki arrived to lunch fifteen minutes early. He’d planned everything out, especially this part. If his mother arrived before him, there would be a lot of awkward posturing and trying to figure out how things were going to go. This way, he’d already ordered his food from the counter and picked a secluded table in the corner where he could watch the window. When he decided that it was time to go, there would be no waiting for a check.

She arrived right on time, removing her sunglasses and scanning the place with sharp, astute eyes for her wayward son. He raised a hand to wave just as she spotted him. 

“Hello dear,” she said, setting her purse down. “What did you order? I don’t know what’s good here.” She took her clutch wallet from her purse. 

“Any of the sandwiches are good,” Loki said. She nodded and went up to the counter. He checked his phone while he waited for her to return. He’d said nothing to Tony about meeting with her today. It was one of those things that he thought he was supposed to tell, but Tony had been distracted over some work thing the past couple of days, and this way Loki could just tell him what happened instead of giving him something else to be anxious over. 

They were doing okay. Things were pretty good when they were together. They were both still being a little polite, staying a bit formal or careful except for when they were fucking. Neither of them had forgotten the last few week’s conflicts. But Loki had never realized how much he could enjoy quiet little downtimes together. He didn’t want to fuck it up. 

He watched his mother as she returned to the table, wondering what sort of mood she’d be in. She set down her tray and filed her wallet away. “I know you said that you only have a little bit of time between work,” she said. “Let me know if you need to go.” Loki nodded his head. It felt so kind of her to say that, to be thinking of his time. It wasn’t exactly true, and this place wasn’t as convenient of a stopping place for him as he’d made it seem over the phone. He’d just planned an excuse to leave on. The manipulation made her concern feel worse. “What did you want to talk to me about?” She asked, cutting her sandwich in half. 

Loki folded his hands together. He wished that his mother was one of those people that he could charm what he wanted out of. She knew him too well and was far too clever. “I have decided that I will be spending Christmas with Tony.” She had a bit of difficulty swallowing. “I can come visit on Christmas Eve,” he offered. “But Tony has no family to see. I won’t leave him alone.” 

There was a flicker of sympathy across his mother’s face. She drank her tea before answering. “I was expecting you at dinner with Thor and Jane.” Loki could not untangle his fingers and reach for food. “Invite Tony to dinner with us.” 

It took Loki a moment to recover. After he’d metaphorically picked his jaw up off the damn table, he reached for a sensible answer. “Okay.” 

Had he really just said that? Fuck. He finally found the ability to grab his sandwich and took a sloppy bite. “Loki,” his mother said. “I know that you have no intention of leaving Tony right now. I’d rather have my son on Christmas this year.” 

“What about Dad?” 

“He will be civil.” 

Loki leaned back into his seat, wiping a drip of sauce from his chin. He hadn’t expected this to go easily or well. Not that this was great, but it was causing him to stumble. “Your father and I know that you are attached to Tony right now,” his mother said, her voice picking up as if to signal that she would be taking the conversation in another direction. “I just hope that after this you’ll pick someone stable that you can settle down with.” 

She said it so despondently, like it was her last wild hope in the world. Loki almost felt sorry for her. The cruel dismissal stirred up anger like always, but he’d expected to hear something negative. He hated that resigned look on her face. He noticed the gray hairs peeking out from her roots with a wounded sense of vulnerability. “Mum,” he said. “What if I really am happy with Tony? Is that so awful?” 

She gave him that deep look of concern that mothers often reserved for their child’s most pitiful attempts at adulthood. “He is a great businessman and a charming, fun boy. I can understand why you would like him, Loki.” Loki had expected less sympathetic verbal sparring. He took a huge bite out of his sandwich, unsure now that things were off course. “He is clever, and you are so bright. I think you enjoy the mental challenge from him. You have had a trying couple of years, and I am sure that Tony seems like a fun relief. But life isn’t about parties and blowing off steam. When life is difficult, you need someone responsible. Your father has always supported our family and made sure that we had opportunities.” 

Loki choked down the rest of his sandwich. “You don’t think that Tony can be that? Responsible?” He took a quick drink of water. “He runs a massive business that you do business with.” 

“You need someone that will tame that reckless streak in you, not bring it out.” 

Loki sat there, uncertain of whether he’d heard that correctly or not. Then reason caught up with him. Of course he’d fucking heard it right. 

His mother continued before he could process fast enough to get a word in. “We all need people to balance us out,” she said. “But Tony has struggled before. I want you to be with someone that you can depend on. I worry about you, you know. I’ve lost a lot of sleep over you.” A huge wave of guilt hit him. He didn’t disbelieve her. “How are you doing with work?”    
“I told you, I’m paying my rent now.” Loki took a drink. “I’m working two jobs. Right now I’m at forty six to fifty hours a week. I’m getting by, Mum. I’m fine.” A couple of years ago he would’ve yelled this at her, unable to hold back. Now it came out as nothing more than a reassurance that brought a lump to his throat. 

“Getting by is not fine, dear.” She had finished her meal and had to settle for subtly tapping a fingernail against the table for distraction. “Reconsider coming to your father’s business. If you’re so miserable cooking, you have nothing to lose by working for us. It will pay well and have benefits.” 

The thought alone made Loki nauseous. 

“We need someone capable in accounting. It won’t be a grand job, but you limited yourself with school. I’m sure you’ll excel though, and we can reconsider your position and move you to another department when you’re ready. You’ll finally be putting that mind of yours to work again. You need something to keep you busy.” She tapped at her phone as it lit up with a message. She was letting it show that she was tiring of these sorts of conversations, or maybe she was just annoyed by his request about Tony. Whatever it was, her delivery was blunter and less sympathetic than usual. 

“You know I don’t want to work for Dad.” Years ago, he had. Years and years ago it had seemed like the solution to everything. Years ago he’d been convinced that he would be better at running the company than Thor. Now he wanted nothing to do with it. 

“Yes,” his mother said. Her eyes stayed on the text message she was sending, though her lips flattened into an irritated line. 

“Mum. I think I’m doing okay right now,” Loki said. He was surprised by the certainty of his voice, and the lack of vitriol behind it. “I’m working, I’m supporting myself, and I’m happy with Tony.” He’d rehearsed that bit. He knew that he wanted her to understand that much. 

She frowned, though it was both tired and sympathetic. Her gaze made him feel smaller, like he was twenty years younger, coming to her with a perfect score on a school quiz or tears over a bad day with the other kids. “Loki,” she said. “That may be okay right now, but you’ll see after a few years of running around, chasing your tail, that you’re exhausted. That’s not an easy way to live.” Her eyebrows sunk into a compassionate sort of pity. “I don’t want that for you.” 

“But I’m fine,” Loki said. All of his parents’ lectures about work and power flowed back into his head, making him feel like a liar. He was exactly what he’d been taught to look down upon. It didn’t occur to him to get up and leave the table, as it would when he played the conversation through his head later. Right now he just wanted her to believe him and not disapprove so strongly. 

“Loki,” his mother said. “I just want what’s best for you.” He believed her. “I don’t want you to struggle.” He wanted to assure her that it wasn't her issue to worry over, and argue with her about it at the same time. “I failed somewhere as a parent. Maybe I spoiled you too much. You were different from your brother, and your father couldn’t relate to you as easily as Thor,” she mused. 

“Mum,” Loki said, wanting her to stop. 

He crumpled his napkin and dropped it on his plate. “Don’t worry about it.” He glanced towards the windows, wondering what time it was. “I just wanted to talk to you about Christmas and Tony.” With a careful look, he said sternly, “if Dad’s an ass to him, the fight we had three years ago is going to look like a happy chat between two good old friends next to what I’ll do.” 

She rolled her eyes slightly, taking in a breath. “Loki,” she said with reprimand. “Don’t.” 

“I’m serious,” Loki said. “I don’t want to ruin another holiday for you, but I won’t put up with it.” 

“That was as much your father’s fault as it was yours,” she said dismissively, though there was still a bitterness to it. “I will talk to him about it.” 

“And no prying questions,” Loki said. It was difficult to reprimand or correct his mother, and he hated saying it, but he needed her to know that. “Let’s just have a regular dinner and pretend we’re normal for fifteen minutes.” 

“Alright,” she said, tapping her fingers on the table. “But I expect you not to do anything to provoke your father.” Loki barely had time to make a face before she added, “you enjoy prodding him into a fight when you’re upset about something. Don't pretend that you don’t.” 

“I won’t,” Loki said. “I just want this to be normal. We won’t come if it’s going to be a problem.” 

“You don’t have to be so dramatic,” she answered. “You and Tony are welcome to come. I want my son home on the holiday. We’ll expect Tony Stark and make room,” she said with finality. “How are you doing, otherwise?” 

“I’m fine, Mum.” He glanced warily at her. “How about you?” 

“Oh,” she said. “The business association’s luncheons have been a nightmare. There are too many new members trying to push their sales and ignoring the rules. One of them took a sales call and started speaking right in the middle of a presentation.” Her lips pursed. “We could all hear them.” 

“That’s rude,” he offered. He rubbed his fingers under the table, unsure of what to ask. 

“It is,” she agreed. “The lighting company came out last week and did the trees in the front. We had them done last year, do you remember?” Vaguely. He nodded his head. “The house looks lovely. I’ve started working on that quilt again.” She sighed. “I’ve been fine.” It occurred to Loki that they had been sitting there a while, and he was there on the premise that he was short on time. As he started to move towards checking his phone she said, “do you have to be getting to work?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. “It’s just, I can’t be late.” 

“I know,” she said, standing. Loki glanced at his phone. He was pushing it. As he slipped it back into his pocket, he realized that she was waiting on something. When he got up, her arms reached out to him. He froze, unenthusiastic about the public hug, but accepting it all the same. “Think about what I said,” she told him before letting go. “I love you.” 

“I know.” Loki straightened his shoulders. “I’ll see you on Christmas, then. Love you.” He took an awkward step around the table he was backed into, smiling towards her. 

“We’ll see you then. Take care,” she said. They didn’t walk out together. Loki took hurried steps as if he was late, and glanced over his shoulder as he left to see her speaking to someone on her phone. Deciding that was settled, he headed home. 

 

“It’s just—there are so many of them,” Tony said, clutching his wrist. Loki leaned in and took one of the brightly colored cards from across the table. “I don’t see why PR thinks I have to sign them personally. I mean, who’s going to care? They’re just going to read them for half a second and then toss them in the trash.” 

Loki signed Tony’s name on the card he’d just opened. He was getting good at imitating the half-assed signature. “You’re not signing them personally,” he said coyly. 

“Half of them,” Tony said. “Make the S bigger, I don’t write it like that.” 

“Yes you do,” Loki answered with a melody in his voice. He flipped the card he’d signed open for Tony. Then he gave the card Tony had just signed a pointed look. 

“I should be worried that you're so good at that,” Tony said. 

“I used to forge Mum’s signature all the time,” Loki said. He signed off another holiday card and tossed it in the box with the others. “It was easier.” 

“For what?” Tony asked. “I thought you got straight A’s.” 

“I did, mostly.” He chucked another card aside. “But if I forgot to turn something in and needed a sick note, or if I wanted a pass out of school early for some bogus doctor’s appointment, I needed her signature.” 

“How often did you skip school?” Tony asked, deviously curious. 

“Often enough.” He glanced up at Tony and chuckled. “Sometimes,” he said. 

“But enough to keep your perfect report card.” 

“Obviously.” He signed the pen mechanically. “Keep going,” he told Tony. “You’re going to make me do all of them.” 

“I am not,” Tony said, picking up his pen again for the first time since the conversation had started. They were quiet for a few minutes, aside from the frantic scratching of pens. 

“I saw my mother today,” Loki said casually. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tony go still. “We talked about Christmas. It looks like you’ll be coming to my house for dinner.” 

“Oh,” Tony said. “Loki, I can’t. Your dad doesn’t like me, I’ll—”

“You’ll be fine. I made it clear that he has to behave,” Loki said. 

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Do you believe him?” He asked cautiously. 

Loki ran his tongue over his teeth. “Who knows,” he dismissed it. “We can spend the day together and then just go over there for dinner. I won’t let it get out of hand,” he said soothingly, keeping an indifferent expression on his face. “They’ll just have to deal. Besides, Jane and Thor will be there.” Tony perked up at that. 

“Yeah,” he said. “I guess they will. —Hey, do I have to get your parents a gift? What should I bring them?” 

“It’s not expected,” Loki said. Well, maybe it was, but he didn’t want Tony to feel that way. “If you want to show off, a bottle of whiskey or cognac will go over well with my dad. My mother would be happy with anything,” Loki said, thinking of the haphazard school art projects he’d given her growing up. “But she likes wine. Or flowers. Flowers would probably be better,” he decided dryly. “But don’t worry about it,” he sighed. “I still haven’t gotten them anything.” He needed to get on that. 

“Why do they want me to come?” Tony asked. 

Loki looked up from the card he’d been scrawling on. He wasn’t sure what Tony was getting at. It seemed like an odd thing to ask, but then again, Tony knew the history. “Honestly,” Loki said. “It comes down to that my mother wants me to be there, and I won’t be there without you.” 

Tony’s expression softened. “Loki,” he said fondly. Loki restrained an eye roll and went back to the card. He felt Tony’s foot nudge his. “I told you that you didn't have to do that,” he said, business like again. Loki knocked a stack of cards against the table with a rapping sound. 

“I said I would,” Loki reminded him. 

“Yeah, but—” Tony smiled. “So what do you want to do the rest of the day?” 

The cards in Loki’s hands stilled. “I hadn’t really thought about it. Hang out, I guess. I’m fine with anything.” 

Tony tapped his pen against his chin. “Well, I’ve been thinking about it,” he said. Loki screwed up the S he’d been signing. “I want to go to the ice rink in the park.” 

“The ice rink?” Loki asked incredulously. “Do you know how to ice skate?” 

“No,” Tony said. He tossed a card in the box. “But I want to go. It’ll be fun.” 

“It’ll be fucking freezing.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. A little of the enthusiasm dimmed in his voice, making Loki second guess what he’d said. “But I want to go.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I—every year, I wanted to go to the ice rink with my dad and he said no. There was always one excuse or another, and eventually I lost interest, but I was thinking about us and what we could do and I remembered that and thought it would be fun if we could go.” 

“We’ll go,” Loki said. He grabbed another card from the thinning pile. The mental image of a child-Tony begging to go to the ice rink was not one he wanted to entertain, and it summoned the protective urge in him too easily. He smiled a little when he looked at Tony, although he was trying to pretend cool indifference. “Anything else you’d like to do?” 

“Hot chocolate, obviously,” Tony said. He was trying at cool indifference too, but man was his excitement showing through. 

“And?” 

“Okay. Would you bake cookies with me?” Tony asked quickly, with a hint of shyness about the question. He’d clearly been thinking about this. A lot.

Loki held back a laugh. The look in Tony’s eyes was so sincere. “Like, Christmas cookies?” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “You know, the ones that look like reindeer and shit.” 

“Sugar cookies,” Loki said. Tony spoke before he could continue. 

“I had a nanny that made them for me one year, god I loved her, but she was only there a year and I can’t even remember her name anymore. But I remember making them with her. I want to do that.” 

“We can play out any Christmas fantasy you want,” Loki said. If Tony wanted to recreate the dream day he’d apparently not had, Loki was happy to play along. It was amusing to see Tony so excited if he didn’t think too hard about it. Then it hurt. 

“You wouldn’t look good in a santa dress,” Tony said. Loki shot him a look. 

“Not that kind of fantasy,” he said. 

Tony laughed. “I know.” As he tossed another signed card in the box, it occurred to Loki that it was incredibly strange to be signing Tony’s name. Tony had asked for his help, and shown him how to do it, but it seemed like the sort of thing his paranoid boyfriend would get nervous about. His musing was forgotten as Tony continued. “But maybe when we come back here in the evening we can sit in front of the fire and have eggnog or whatever the fuck people do.” 

“I’ll probably need it after my parents,” Loki said. He didn’t mean much by that other than the usual disdain, but Tony noticeably flinched. “It’ll be fine,” Loki added. “Just holidays—bullshit. You know.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, staring down at the cards again. They fell quiet. 

The quiet was something that Loki was learning to get used to now that they were living around each other. He remembered that there was something he’d been meaning to talk to Tony about and putting off. While they were still sort of on the subject, he knew that he should approach it. “Hey, uh—” Just fucking spit it out. That would be easiest. “About gifts. I thought maybe, uh—” Fuck this was hard. “We’d just skip them? I don't want to put any pressure on you.” 

Loki had thought about it a lot, and it always followed the same trajectory of Tony working himself into some sort of financial anxiety. Loki didn’t think that he could deal with that. And it wasn’t like he could afford to get something on the level of whatever Tony got. And he didn’t know what the fuck he’d get anyway. Tony wasn’t answering. “And I can't afford a lot, so I just thought, gifts aren’t important to me, so if it’s not that big of a deal—” He let it drift off. Tony was signing a card and not looking at him, so Loki did the same. 

“Umm,” Tony said after a few moments. He set his card down. “I can’t exactly get your parents something and not you.” There was a defensive edge to his voice that made Loki uncomfortable. He didn’t want to argue about this. 

“You don’t have to get them anything,” Loki said, a bit melancholic. He reached for a card. 

“Loki,” Tony said. It sounded like the start of a rant or a lecture. “You know I—tell you what,” he said, relenting. “You pay for the ice rink. That can be your gift to me. I really want to do it, so that can be your gift.” 

“Okay,” Loki said, not feeling settled. “Did you already get a gift?” Tony didn’t move, but there was something minute, some little fucking thing that told Loki that he had, even though he wasn’t saying it out loud. It was one of those things that Loki was starting to pick up on and read from consistently being around Tony. “It’s not some rich bullshit like the Rome thing, is it?” 

Oh, Loki had not forgotten that. Tony looked like he’d been struck, but with a guilt that said he thought he deserved it. “No,” Tony said. “It’s not like that. I promise.” 

Loki clenched his jaw, watching Tony for any sign that something was amiss. Finding nothing, he listened as Tony said, “it’s just something simple. It’s not a big deal. I just, I already got it and I kind of still want to give it to you.” 

“As long as it’s not like the Rome thing,” Loki said. 

“It’s not,” Tony said. He grabbed the last card and signed it, tossing it away into the box. “I’m going to try really hard not to do that again,” Tony said quietly. Loki stared at him for a moment, considering that. Tony had been late coming back the other night because he’d gone to therapy, but he hadn’t wanted to talk about it and Loki had left shortly after for a shift. 

“Okay,” Loki said, willing to let it go. He looked at the empty table. “Well now that I’m done forging your signature, what do you want to do?” 

Tony smiled. “Since I fixed the wifi in your apartment, why don’t we keep watching that show I got you started on?”

“Okay.” Loki stood, stretching one arm out and leaning to the side, popping his back. He caught Tony’s eyes flickering over his exposed stomach and grinned. “But I’ve got an early start tomorrow. We can’t be up until one in the morning again saying just one more episode.” 

“I know,” Tony said lightly, standing up. “So do I.” He walked into the living room and diligently grabbed Loki’s laptop. Loki eased down onto the couch beside him, relaxing. The cushion sank so that their hips and thighs were touching, and when Tony set the laptop so that it was shared on both of their legs, Loki felt a rich sense of contentment settle in. He would not let this slip away.


	35. Chapter 35

He woke to soft lips on his neck, pecking up his spine. Loki’s eyes sluggishly rolled open. He shifted onto his back, opening his arms to invite Tony in, half-awake. 

Tony’s hands found his, sliding in warm and certain. Loki grinned, though his eyes had fallen shut again. He liked morning sex with Tony. A lot. 

“Come on,” Tony said, tugging at his hands. 

“Just kiss me here, I don’t want to sit up,” Loki muttered. The room was quiet for a second. Then he heard Tony laugh. 

“No, let’s get up-up. I don’t want to still be in bed at noon. We’ve got things to do today.” Tony let go of his hands and patted Loki’s hip. “Come on.” 

Loki rolled over onto his stomach. 

“Let’s have breakfast,” Tony said. Loki felt the bed dip down beside him as Tony’s hand landed somewhere near his shoulder. He buried his face into the soft pillow. “I thought you were waking up,” Tony said, lightly teasing. 

“I thought I was waking up for sex,” Loki mumbled. “It’s too early for breakfast.” 

Tony laughed again. “I know it’s fucking crazy for me to be saying this, but sex will have to wait. If I let you sleep in all day, we won’t have time to go to the ice rink and bake cookies before we go to your parents’ house.” 

Loki’s head rose from the pillow. Fuck. It was Christmas. He pushed himself up, bumping into Tony’s chest as he did. “Good morning,” Tony said, kissing his cheek when he turned around. Loki managed a half-awake smile, rubbing his eye. Tony was far too awake for him. “Let’s go,” Tony said, pulling at Loki’s hip. 

Loki rose out of bed and followed after Tony with sleepy, stumbling steps. 

Tony practically rushed to the kitchen. Loki took a few steps towards the stove. “I already have breakfast taken care of,” said Tony. There was a box of donuts in his hands. He set them on the counter, then proceeded to take a pitcher of milk from the fridge. Loki took a hesitant seat on the barstool. He waited for Tony to bring over coffee and sit down with him. “Go ahead,” Tony said, pushing the box towards him. He waited for Loki to choose one before helping himself. 

Loki felt a smile on his mouth as he chewed slowly, staring sleepily at Tony. Tony was so bright and energetic this morning. His hair was licked to one side with bedhead, and there were traces of the bed sheet’s wrinkles on his skin still. But his brown eyes were happy and alert. Loki was relieved. He’d been expecting Tony to be anxious and preoccupied about dinner with his parents. “Wait here,” Tony said. Loki swallowed down the bite in his mouth quickly to speak. “I’ll be right back,” Tony said. 

“Where are you going?” Loki asked. 

“I just, I want to do this now,” Tony said. He disappeared down the hall before Loki could ask more. With a sigh, Loki grabbed another donut. Whatever Tony was about to do, he couldn’t stop him. 

Tony reappeared a couple of minutes later with an awkwardly wrapped box that he’d clearly done himself. Loki made a sound, dropping his shoulders and hurrying to swallow. “Tony.” 

Tony set the rather large box onto the counter. “It’s not what you think it is. Just—open it, okay?” 

Loki wiped his hands off and turned towards the box. Part of him didn’t want to open it, uncomfortable with whatever grand gesture Tony would try to make. A smaller, quieter part of himself was excited. He slid one nail beneath the wrapping paper. 

He tore it back in one broad stroke. 

“Wow.” 

It was a coffee machine, with a dozen different accessories for making frothed milk and the like. “Wait. You don’t even know what it is,” Tony said. 

Tony popped the box open as Loki said, “I work at a coffeeshop.” 

“I know,” Tony said, laughing a little. He set the device on the counter and turned it on. A screen lit up, flashing _Hello Loki_. 

“We’ve been expanding certain appliances into some test markets,” Tony explained. “I was looking over some coding when I thought about how easy it would be for me to customize one for you. This was one of the trial prototypes, it works like a charm, but it’s not a big deal,” Tony elaborated a bit anxiously. “If I didn’t customize it for you, it’d just sit with the others in the lab.” 

Loki smiled. It was so very Tony. He shook his head a little, grinning. He felt relieved. This was something from Tony’s company, so it wasn’t like Tony had gone out and made a huge purchase, and Tony had clearly enjoyed himself with the coding. It was easy to imagine Tony amusing himself in his lab with the project. Loki tapped a finger against the screen, switching back and forth between settings. Every time he did, there was a new, slightly snarky comment from Tony about whatever it was that the machine would be making. Loki was going to have fun finding them all. “Anyway,” Tony said. “Merry Christmas.” 

“Thanks,” Loki said, grabbing ahold of Tony’s shirt. He pulled Tony down for a kiss and found Tony’s arms wrapping around his shoulders. Tony hugged him tight. 

“I love you, Lo,” Tony half-whispered, a broken, sincere plea. 

“I love you too,” Loki answered back, combing his fingers through Tony’s hair. He could feel how deeply Tony meant it, like it sunk right down into his bones. He knew Tony needed the reassurance. “It’s perfect,” he said quietly. “Thank you.” 

Tony pulled away and stood up straight, wiping his mouth with a hand. He looked a little shaken, but not in a bad way. Tony smiled and brushed it off. “So, we should get dressed. I’m going to go hop in the shower.” 

Loki nodded his head, finally feeling excited about the day ahead. 

 

It turned out that standing in ice skates felt exactly like what you’d think standing on two knives would feel like. Loki’s feet ached horribly. He grasped for the wall of the rink just as Tony bumped into him from behind. 

Tony’s legs scrambled beneath him as he clung to the wall. A child zipped past them. “They make it look so fucking easy,” Tony grumbled. 

“I think they’re making fun of us,” Loki said. The child that had flown by caught up with his friends and pointed back to them. 

“They are,” Tony confirmed. Another group of children skated around them, loudly pushing across the ice with their skates and yelling to each other. “I think you just have to move your feet like—” He smacked into the back of Loki, sending them both tumbling into the ice. “Fuck, I’m sorry—”

“It’s fine—” Loki grabbed onto Tony’s jacket as he tried to stand up again. They tripped over each other trying to stand, then collided with the wall. Tony groaned beside him. Loki started to laugh. “We’re hopeless.” 

Tony stared at him for a moment before laughing too. His cheeks were flushed dark red from the cold, and his nose was running. The dashing look he’d started out with had melted away. “At least we’re on our second lap,” he said. 

“They’re probably on their eightieth,” Loki said. 

“Yeah, but they’ve figured out how to go across the ice without using the wall.” 

Loki pushed his scarf back over his nose. “Yeah,” he said, reaching for the railing. He pulled himself up, then reached out for Tony’s hand. Tony slid into him as he stood, but this time they didn’t fall. “I’ve been trying to move my feet like they are,” he said. 

“I watched like ten youtube videos on it before we came,” Tony said. “Nothing’s going to help.” 

“You watched youtube videos?” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. His grip on Loki’s coat tightened. “Don’t make fun of me. I wanted to know how it works.” 

“I’m not,” Loki said. He just didn’t know how fucking excited Tony had really been. “That’s—smart,” he said. Tony looked like he still thought that maybe Loki was making fun of him, but said nothing. “What are you supposed to do?” 

“Bend your knees, push outward in a diagonal motion—it’s all bullshit,” Tony said. He laughed at himself. “That hot chocolate sounds pretty good right now. What would you say to that and then heading home to bake?” 

“If we can make it to a door,” Loki said, giving the opening to the rink a dubious look. 

“Come on,” Tony said cheerfully, giving him a shove towards it. 

“You’re the one that’s behind,” Loki said. He tried pushing off from the wall and skating just to be a show off, but tumbled a few feet later and hit the ice. He heard Tony snicker behind him. “I will get you back for that,” he said over his shoulder. 

“Sure you will,” Tony said behind him. 

By the time they made it to the door, they’d both fallen and hit the wall together more than enough times to get even. 

 

“They’re sweeter than I remember,” Tony mused. 

Loki buttoned the cuff on his dress shirt shut. “You dumped half of the icing bag on that one.” 

Tony laughed. The tree shaped cookie did have a mound of green sugar on it. “Still,” he said. “I don’t remember them being this sweet.” He was getting crumbs in his beard. “Actually, I don’t remember what they tasted like.” 

Loki grinned slightly, straightening his collar. Baking with Tony had been fucking fun, and he hadn’t really expected it to be that way. “Save some for tonight, we’ve got to get going.” Tony was lounging on the couch, helping himself to another from the heaping plate they’d left on the coffee table. Loki took a couple of steps over and brushed his thumb across Tony’s beard, dislodging the crumbs there. 

Tony wasn’t freaking out, and Loki was slightly disconcerted by that. Tony rubbed his hand where Loki had touched him, wiping his face. “Yeah,” he said. “I guess I should go check the mirror before we go.” 

He disappeared into the bathroom as Loki put on his coat. 

The cookies on the plate were miles apart—Tony’s were lopsided or stretched, with too much icing or extra sprinkles in odd places. Loki’s were perfect little works of art, but he didn’t think much of them. More than anything, he’d enjoyed Tony’s contagious enthusiasm towards the task. And when they’d been waiting for batches to come out of the oven, they’d talked and joked with an ease that Loki loved. 

He heard the bathroom door come open and felt a strike of anxiety in his chest. It was just one fucking dinner, and then they'd be able to come back here. He could make it through. 

Tony smiled at him. “Ready?” 

 

Jane and Thor were already there when they arrived. Loki could hear his brother’s voice all the way from the front door, boasting about something. It was a nervous, loud sort of boast. “Loki,” his mother said, pulling him into a hug. “Welcome. It’s so good to have you here.” When she released him, he took a step back, feeling Tony’s sleeve brush against him. 

“Hello Mrs. Odinson,” Tony said. 

“Tony,” she said, beaming. “Come in. I don’t believe we’ve ever had you over to the house before. It’s so nice to have my son’s friend over. I can never get over how much you’ve grown since college.” 

Tony smiled awkwardly. “Boyfriend,” Loki corrected his mother, shutting the front door. 

“Of course,” she said placatingly. “I know. I was just including Thor in my statement. I didn’t mean anything by it, dear.” Loki took a step towards Thor’s voice, hoping that Tony would take the cue to follow him. He did, but not without trying to charm Loki’s mother. 

“These are for you,” Tony said, extending a heaping bouquet of flowers towards her. “Though I don't think they’ll compare to the arrangement you have,” he said, nodding towards the massive floral display on a nearby table. She smiled in a way that Loki recognized as genuine pleasure. 

“Nonsense,” she dismissed him, bending a leaf in the bouquet as she delicately smelled the arrangement. “They’re lovely. I’ll go put them in some water. Loki, would you show Tony to the dining room? Your brother and Jane are already in there.” Loki nodded, sliding his hand in around Tony’s waist as she walked in the opposite direction. He led Tony with a gentle hand at his back. 

“How do you think that went?” Tony asked quietly. 

“She liked your gift,” Loki muttered back. “That’s a good sign.” He felt Tony’s steps falter as they neared the dining room. Now they could hear Jane’s voice too, bouncing along some story at a pace that was just slightly too quick to be natural. “Just be forward with my father. He doesn’t like feeling like someone’s trying to smooth talk him.” 

“Got it,” Tony said with only a slight hint of uncertainty. Loki let go of him as they entered the room. He spotted Jane first. 

She lit up, smiling in a way that could only be described as relief, though Loki doubted that anyone else would pick up on that. The room erupted in greetings as the couple said hello. Loki cast a sharp glance in his father’s direction as Tony greeted Thor and Jane. His father’s attention was not on him, but Tony. Thor caught his eye when he looked that direction, but gave nothing other than a simple acknowledgement. 

As they moved to take their seats at the circular table, Tony stepped around Loki, going towards the open seat beside Loki’s father instead of Thor. “You’re there,” Loki said quietly, correcting him. He extended an arm slightly to block Tony and corral him in the direction of the chair by Thor. Like hell was he going to let Tony sit next to his father. Tony hesitated before allowing Loki around him. He took the seat by Thor. 

“That suit looks good on you,” Thor told Tony as he sat down. Tony started chatting with Thor instantly. 

Loki smiled at his father. 

“Hello Loki,” he said. 

They both knew the game. The acknowledgement was in Loki’s favor, because it meant that his father was trying to make an effort. Though there was no mistaking it, Loki knew that his father wanted it known that he did not approve of Tony. He heard Tony direct a hello at his father beside him, and moved slightly out of the way as Tony edged a bottle of cognac towards his father. “Thank you,” his father said. There was a note of surprise in it that satisfied Loki. He hadn’t helped Tony pick out gifts. Tony had decided on his own. 

“Thanks for having me here,” Tony said diplomatically. 

“You’re always welcome here,” Thor answered for his father. 

“It’s nice to have so many people,” Jane said beside him. 

Tony complimented Jane on something as Loki noticed his mother entering the room. She smiled at him, and then Loki felt like he had an ally. She took the seat between his father and Jane. “Please, go ahead and help yourselves,” she said, gesturing to the dishes laid out across the table. 

It was simple enough. His mother even made a generic toast as the meal started, and the clinking of glasses put Loki a bit at ease. He noticed his father make an effort to reach out to Tony’s glass. Loki had figured that he’d play nice. After all, Tony was a business asset when he wasn’t being a nuisance by dating him. 

Loki started eating, only half listening to Thor talk about his law firm. His mother and father interjected occasionally, but Thor was content telling some story about crushing some prosecution case. Loki watched Jane pick at her food. He wondered if she was nauseous. “It reminded me of something Justin Hammer would say. Do you remember reading his thesis, Tony?” Thor asked. 

Tony sat forward in his seat. “Vaguely. Bits. It comes to me sometimes, when I’m having a particularly vivid nightmare.” 

Thor laughed. “Justin,” he said, finishing his laugh and reaching for his drink. 

“What do you think of Justin’s move into France?” His mother asked Tony. 

It was the first time that Tony had gotten the spotlight, and it was about business. Loki pressed his fork into his plate. “Premature,” Tony said. “He’s expecting that market to mature too quickly and ignoring the older demographics.” 

“You won’t be following him?” Loki’s father asked. “The projections there seem good.” 

“No,” Tony said. “I’ve been setting my sights on other things.” He took a deliberate drink from his glass. Loki hadn’t wanted to interrupt him, but he also didn’t want to let this go on too long. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Loki asked Jane. She straightened her shoulders like a kid that had been caught slacking off in class. The question got Thor’s attention, and now he was asking too. 

“Yeah,” Jane said. “Fine.” She pressed a hand to her forehead, ignoring the extra attention. “Just a little nauseous, it’s nothing.” 

“Would you like me to get you some ginger tea?” His mother asked. Jane shook her head. 

“Really, I’m fine.” 

“It was practically all that I drank when I was pregnant with Thor,” she said. “He gave me the worst morning sickness. And the kicking, I should’ve known he’d be so headstrong.” Jane pulled a flat, fake smile. 

“Nothing ever changes, does it?” Loki asked, sparing his sister in law from his mother. “Have you ever told Tony about the time you broke your arm?” He asked Thor. “I don’t think he’s heard that story.” 

“That is the full extent of the story,” Thor said. 

“No it’s not,” Loki said, a little ring in his voice. 

Jane was starting to grin. She’d heard the story. “What?” Tony asked beside him. Thor let out a long, pained sigh. 

“I don’t think we need to be bothered with that story,” his father said. 

“Oh,” his mother said. “I enjoy stories about the kids about when they were little. Just this one?” His father looked wearily at the ceiling, but allowed it. After casting a conformational glance for approval his father’s way, Thor smiled. 

“Well,” Thor said. “When I was little, I got the neighborhood kids to watch me fly.” 

“From the tree in the backyard,” Loki said. 

“Right,” Thor said. “I told them that I was going to fly and I wanted them to see. And I—broke my arm.” He finished, like that truly was the full extent of the story.

“Wearing nothing but a cape and shorts,” Loki added. Usually Thor made a big production of the story, but he was trimming it down tonight. 

Thor started to laugh now that they reached the part he’d left out. “Well,” he said. “I made quite a show.” 

Loki hadn’t been around yet when the story had happened, but he liked to imagine it. Stories of Thor’s mishaps growing up tended to be his favorites. Tony laughed a little. “That’s not hard to imagine at all,” he said. 

Loki’s father cleared his throat. “I’m sure that you had similar experiences of your own growing up,” he told Tony. Loki stilled, watching his father closely for an ulterior motive to his words. He knew his father was giving Tony the opportunity to out himself on doing something wrong that his father could then point to as evidence against Tony later. Tony picked up on none of the tension. 

“No,” he said lightly. “I didn’t have neighborhood kids to play with. Most of my trouble was when something in the lab went wrong, and my dad usually helped out with those.” His father seemed unimpressed, though his expression did not change. “I spent a lot of my childhood studying, passing examinations so I could get into college early.” Tony made a face like he'd said something embarrassing. “It was pretty boring,” he dismissed it. 

“At least you were busy,” Jane said. “Tony built his first engine when he was six,” she informed Loki’s parents. 

“That’s impressive,” his mother said. His father seemed to feel the same way. Loki clenched up a little and reached for his glass, running his finger along the rim. He hadn’t known that about Tony. He wasn’t a genius. He wondered if he bored Tony, or if Tony waited around for him to catch up on understanding something simple. Maybe he should’ve tried harder to understand what Tony was doing in his lab. It just hadn’t interested him. 

“Yeah, well, it was expected,” Tony said. “The goal was always to get me into MIT.” Hadn’t Tony said something once, about wanting someone that could keep up with him? Fuck. “But my PR team has enough fun dragging those facts around. What was it like for you growing up, Ms. Odinson?” 

Loki zoned out as his mother gave a paltry recollection of her childhood. 

They stayed on safe, level topics for the rest of dinner. Loki decided that it was going well, all things considered. There were no arguments, no more prying questions, and no backhanded compliments. It was all fantastically stiff and boring. Nonetheless, Loki was quick to redirect the conversation whenever he felt that it had the potential to go the wrong way, or put too much emphasis on Tony.

Yet, Tony seemed happy enough to tell stories and have the spotlight on him. Loki took those opportunities to study his father. There was nothing openly negative coming from his father, just that same arrogant reserve that Loki was accustomed to. Loki figured that there would probably never be a day where that wasn’t happening. 

When the meal was over, it was Thor that called it to an end, making up an excuse about getting home. Loki seized on the opportunity to leave as well. “I’m afraid we also have to be getting back,” he told his mother, standing. 

“Wait just a minute dear, I want to talk to you after I see Jane and Thor off.” 

“But we really have to—”

“It’ll just be a moment,” she promised him. Loki took a deep breath but sat back down. She disappeared to the front door with Jane and Thor. Loki said nothing, carefully avoiding paying any attention to his father. Tony cleared his throat. 

“That was nice,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Loki said rigidly. 

“Do you have any other plans this evening, Mr. Odinson?” Tony asked, trying for Loki’s father instead. 

“No,” he answered. 

Tony gave up. He sank into the awkward silence with them. 

A few minutes later, the clicking of heels announced his mother’s return. “Come to the front hall,” she said. “I have something for you before you go.” She waited at the doorframe for them. 

Loki stood quickly. “Thanks for having me,” Tony told Loki’s father. 

The answer was friendly enough. “Anytime, Tony. Thank you for the gift.” His eyes fell on Loki. 

“Bye, Dad.” 

“See you later, Loki.” 

He turned and went to his mother, Tony following after a moment. Tony was getting his coat on when Loki’s mother handed Loki a wrapped gift. He opened it to find a set of cufflinks and tie. 

“Every man should have them in his wardrobe,” she told Loki. 

“Thanks, Mum.” 

“And think about what I said, okay?” She set a hand on his arm. He slid the gift into his coat pocket, feeling apologetic. She hoped for him so dearly, and he was always disappointing her. “The accounting department really would benefit with you there, Loki. It’d suit you.” 

“I’m okay,” he said quietly. 

“I know,” she said, pulling him into a hug. His eyebrows tensed down tight. “I just worry about you. It’s what mothers do.” He sensed that Tony was standing off to the side. His mother released him after he returned her enveloping grip with a faint hug. She grabbed the lapels of his coat, straightening them. The action set off a flare of irritation that was only fueled by Tony’s presence. Before he could get a word out though, she said, “Take care, alright? I expect to see you again soon. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” he said. “Merry Christmas, Mum. I’ll see you later.” She smiled, turning to say goodbye to Tony as Loki sunk his hands into his pockets. They were given a cheerful wave as they left out the front door. 

Tony didn’t say anything as they walked through the cold air to Loki’s car, but he started bitching about the chill once the engine started. In all, Loki thought it had gone rather well. “We’ll be in front of your fire in a few minutes,” he assured Tony. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Drive faster.” 

 

As Loki watched Tony turn on the fireplace, he wasn’t expecting to sit there and talk for very long. He was mildly surprised when Tony asked if he wanted something to drink and came back with hot chocolate, apparently not burnt out on the novelty of it yet. He settled on the couch beside Loki, pulling his knees to his chest and drinking from his mug. 

“That went well,” Loki said. 

“Tonight?” Tony asked, his head ducking down as his lips curled around the brim of the mug. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. 

Tony rubbed his nose. He hadn’t been very chatty on the ride back. Maybe he was tired. Loki watched him drink, then lean over and set his mug down on the coffee table. “There were no broken bones or screaming matches,” Loki said jokingly. 

Tony’s attention turned on him. Tony was so intently focused that Loki thought he was going to skip past the small talk and go straight to fucking around. He set his mug down. Tony crawled over him. That was deeply pleasing and promising. It was exactly what he wanted. But then Tony settled on his chest. He hooked his chin over Loki’s shoulder. It quickly became clear that he wasn't going anywhere. 

“Umm,” Loki started. He shifted, finding that Tony’s weight didn’t budge. “What are you doing?” 

“I really enjoyed today with you, Lokes,” Tony said. He pressed a chaste kiss to Loki’s neck. 

“And you are showing that by lying on top of me because…?” 

“It’s comfortable,” Tony said. He wrapped his arms around Loki as much as he could. “I like being right here.” 

“That’s great,” Loki said dryly. “But if you expect me to stay like this all night—” Tony’s hand pressed a bit too firmly into Loki’s shoulder for leverage as Tony leaned up, then set his lips on Loki’s in a way that was oddly intimate. His tongue slowly teased Loki’s lips open, and even though Loki easily and eagerly let Tony in, Tony did not take the cue to hurry. 

Instead, Tony kissed his cheek. His hands came in around to cradle Loki’s head, his calloused fingers running soothing circles into Loki’s scalp. Loki felt himself drop into the sensation, sinking into the couch with uncharacteristic submission when Tony’s thumb brushed across his cheek. The look in Tony’s eyes was illegible, but consuming. “Loki,” Tony said. 

Loki blinked, slowly. His cheeks were blazing hot, he could feel the flush, but he had no idea why. “Hmm?” He prompted Tony. 

“You know I love you, right?” 

Loki’s mouth flinched in an unhappy smile. He stared at the mugs set on the coffee table instead. “Mhmm,” he said. 

“What?” Tony asked, quiet and uncertain suddenly. 

“The last time you told me that, you flipped out,” Loki said. He tried to comb his fingers through his hair, but moving with Tony lying over him wasn’t exactly easy. 

“No. This morning, I didn’t. When? Rome? About the—” Loki shifted uncomfortably, answering Tony’s question before he could finish it. Sometimes the way Tony had chanted it, like he was convincing himself, would come back to Loki and leave him numb and vulnerable. “I’m sorry about that time,” Tony said. He bent down and kissed Loki’s neck. “Really, I am. I—I fucked that up. Saying that shit and avoiding you. And I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again. But I really do love you, Loki. I mean it.” 

“You don’t have to say something just because it’s a holiday,” Loki said. “I don't care, and I know how you freak out about—Tony, I just—just, can we just leave it? I don't want to start this shit tonight.” Tony’s hands moved down his sides, slow and soothing. Tony found one of Loki’s hands and held it. 

“I know,” Tony said. “We said it this morning. And we were fine this morning, weren’t we?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said, relaxing. He hadn’t thought about that, he just knew that he was feeling unsettled now. Tony’s warm weight pinning him to couch was only a mild reassurance to the uninvited feeling. 

“I just want you to know that I love you, Loki. I really, honestly do.” Tony kissed his cheek and Loki’s eyes fluttered closed, but whether it was out of tension or want, he wasn’t sure. Tony’s voice dropped down, just above a whisper. “I’m not saying it out of some holiday bullshit. I mean it.” He squeezed Loki’s hand. His warm, pleasantly chocolate scented breath passed over Loki’s skin. “I want you. I like you. I love you, and it’s killing me that—Loki, you know I’m fucked up,” Tony whispered. “But I know that I do really love you.” 

Loki ran a hand down Tony’s back, massaging along cotton that was warm with body heat and pressing to the tense muscle below. “Okay,” he answered back in the same whisper. “Tony, I’m not mad.” He didn't like talking about this. He wanted it to stop already. He didn’t even know where this was coming from. 

“I know,” Tony said. “That’s not what I—you know what?” He pressed a fervent kiss to Loki’s cheek, only to immediately lose the momentum and go back to something fragile and slow. “I _know_ you love me,” Tony whispered. “I want you to have that feeling.” 

“Really?” Loki asked sincerely as Tony’s lips came to his cheek again. “You know?” When? When did Tony know? Hadn't it been an issue?

“Yeah,” Tony said, looking up at Loki. There was a slight flush beneath his dark brown eyes. “I believe you, and I just—I know,” he said. Loki stared at him. There weren’t any thoughts going through his head. Just a contemplative sensation that he couldn’t name. It was easiest to just lay there and observe Tony. But it wasn’t like Tony wasn’t watching him. Suddenly, Tony slumped his forehead against Loki’s chest. “Fuck,” he groaned. “I—I’m talking too much and just making a mess of shit—look. Lokes, I know we’ve had our shitty moments. And I know I’ve been shitty with stuff with you too. I just—I’m not using you, alright? I love you, no matter what your parents think.” 

“I know,” Loki said lightly, wondering where this was coming from. Nothing had gone wrong. Tony went for his neck then, sucking and needy at the tender skin there. “Tony, it’s been a good day. Nothing’s wrong.” 

Tony rested his head to the side on Loki’s chest. He was quiet for a few moments. “I know,” he said. 

“Okay,” Loki said. More than anything, he was just confused. Maybe this was one of those times where Tony got lost and anxious on some tangent. Loki wasn’t sure that he could figure this one out, and anyway, Tony seemed to be calming down. He gave Tony a reassuring kiss on the forehead. Tony blinked indignantly. Biting back a smile, Loki said, “Now can we get around to fucking each other’s brains out? Because that’s what I’ve been planning on.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, smiling lightly. 

He kissed Loki slowly though, dragging it out and teasing in a way that made Loki impatient for release. 

It wasn’t the best sex between them by Loki’s standards at all, but Tony was emotionally charged in a way that Loki had never experienced. He was needy and affectionate and possessive and—protective? All at once. Loki felt like he couldn’t keep up with Tony’s mood. But he appreciated the obsession Tony had with making him feel good, and even if it was a whirlwind, at least it was satisfying. Tony clung to him when it was over like gravity.

And instead of feeling cloying, it just felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't get a lot of editing time on this one, so please let me know of any mistakes, and what you thought! ;) I love analysis and advice for these two. Happy holidays <3


	36. Chapter 36

Loki stretched his arms out, letting them flop onto the pillow behind him. The room’s air felt cold against his bare chest now that the heat of friction and another body was gone. Tony rolled onto his side on the bed by him, propping his head up in his hand. 

Loki grinned, his eyes falling shut. He felt as though he could melt into the bed right then and there. Every limb in his body was limp and exhausted. Loki didn’t think he’d be able to come for another week. 

“Remember last week when we went to your parents’ house for Christmas dinner?” Tony asked. 

How did Tony have the energy to speak? Loki frowned, scrunching up his face before stretching out again. Why was Tony talking about Christmas now? “What?” He asked, smiling a bit at the absurdity of Tony’s question. 

“Y’know, I just—was thinking about it,” Tony said, scooting in closer on the bed. He set his hand on Loki’s chest. He wasn’t quite against Loki’s side yet, but the temptation of his body heat was alluring. 

“What about it?” Loki asked, mildly curious. 

“You and your dad don't get along great, right?” Tony asked. Loki shook his head, tangling his sweat wrecked hair on the pillow. “What about your mom?” 

“My mother?” Loki rolled onto his side, finding that Tony’s warm gaze was right there. Tony’s hand slid down to his hip and held steadily where it’d gripped for dear life minutes before. Loki leaned his chin up on the pillow, stretching. “We get along.” He followed the urge to brush a lock of Tony’s hair back from his face. “She’s always taken my side when my dad’s gotten too irrational, you know?” 

Tony smiled softly in reply. 

It had been a while since they’d had any quiet, post-sex conversations, but Loki found himself enjoying the intimacy. “She argued with my dad to let me go to culinary school, and she was the one I always talked to growing up. After Thor left, I didn’t have a lot of people.” He traced his finger along Tony’s collarbone. 

“She doesn’t side with your dad?” 

He would’ve rolled onto his back if he hadn’t felt Tony’s hand resting on his hip. “Well—” He didn’t think about that all that much, but with Tony asking the question, he had to reorganize his thoughts. “I mean, she does.” Obviously. Tony had seen enough of that. But he didn’t understand. “But, she looks out for me. I—I’ve always been close with my mother. You know?” 

Tony’s hand rubbed back and forth on his hip. It was pleasant, but agitated his skin, drawing attention to the cold. “What’s she think about me?” 

Loki’s gaze dropped to the rumpled bed sheets. “It’s hard for them to accept you,” he said quietly. 

“But she agrees with what your dad said about me?” 

“Tony,” Loki said. “Why do you want to bring this up?” It was just going to hurt him. 

“Because,” Tony said kindly, ignoring the impatient way Loki had answered him. “The other night—I guess, I mean, I know your parents don’t like me dating you. I knew what your dad had said, but at the dinner, I got the sense that they think I’m using you.” 

“What?” Loki squinted as he asked the question, exasperation touching his words. 

Tony scooted in closer, tangling their legs together and dipping his hand to the small of Loki’s back. “Loki—”

“For what?” Loki cut him off indignantly. “They thought I was using you to pay for my apartment, and they were embarrassed. They don’t think you’re using me. They think I’m using you.” God, he was so fucked out. He was too tired to talk about this. Why couldn’t Tony have brought it up later? He just wanted to bury his face in Tony’s chest and fucking forget about this bullshit.

Tony gave him a few seconds to calm down. “Isn’t that the same thing?” Loki glanced at him with inquisitive green eyes. “Loki,” Tony said, massaging his back. “They think I’m your sugar daddy or something?” Loki moved his legs, not untangling from Tony, but releasing uncertain tension. He took a breath, thinking of what to say. “Then they think I’m getting something out of it, right? They probably think I’m using you for sex.” 

Loki pulled his hand back in towards himself, grabbing the bedsheets instead and clenching them between his fingers. “It’s not like that,” Loki said. Loki knew they did actually think that too, but he didn't think it was the real issue, so he ignored it. “They just—don’t like your past and want me to settle for someone they think is—stable, responsible.” It felt like a horrible confession. “I’m sorry,” Loki said quickly. “I don’t think like that, I don’t agree with them—”

“I know,” Tony said. His arm came up Loki’s back, comforting and warm as he pulled Loki in towards him. “Is your mom going to tell your dad that it’s not like that?” 

“No,” Loki said quietly. 

“She thinks the same thing, right?” 

“She—yeah,” Loki answered him. “I guess she does.” He bit on his lip. 

He needed to explain this so that Tony would get it. “She—worries about me a lot. I—I can’t blame her. I’ve let her down.” He took a deep, slow breath. He was surprised that Tony wasn’t pulling away from him. “I didn’t stick with cooking and I haven’t done anything significant with my life.” Tony pulled him in tight, slotting their bodies together. The warmth was welcome, even if it was confusing. 

“Loki,” Tony said. “Don’t talk like that.” His hand rubbed back and forth between Loki’s shoulder blades. “You can’t think like that.” 

“I’m not feeling sorry for myself,” Loki said. “That’s just how it is.” He squirmed against Tony a bit, but it didn't dislodge them. “I did depend on them for a long time,” Loki said. “I can’t blame her for the things she says. She’s just looking out for me.” 

“How long has she been asking you to work in the accounting department?” 

Loki went very still. Shit. This was not one of those things he’d told Tony about. Maybe Tony was upset about it. It had taken him long enough to bring it up, though. “Just when I saw her for lunch,” Loki said. “…and on Christmas. That’s it.” Tony’s hand had not stopped its slow trail up and down his spine. “I told her no. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to talk about it,” he said defensively. 

“That’s okay,” Tony said. “I figured.” Then why the hell were they talking about it? “You told her no, you didn’t want to take the job?” 

“Yeah,” Loki said. Hadn’t he just told Tony that? 

“And she knows you didn’t want it?” Tony asked. 

“Yes,” he said irritably. 

“Then why’d she give you a tie and cufflinks, like you’d already accepted a job in the office?” 

Loki huffed out a breath, untangling their legs and clenching his toes. “I don’t know,” he snapped. “Maybe it’s just an easy gift and she doesn’t know what else to get me? My family always gives crap like that.” He rolled his eyes, irked with Tony for bringing it up. The hand on his back had stilled. 

Tony was quiet for a few moments before slowly sliding their legs back together. Loki allowed it, now wishing that they’d just passed out instead of talking afterwards. Tony leaned in and kissed his shoulder. It was oddly placating. Maybe he wasn’t pissed at Tony, he decided. 

Tony combed his fingers through Loki’s hair. The sensation of his short nails along Loki’s scalp was nice, sending little jolts of pleasure down his spine. “Loki,” Tony said, knocking him out of the contentment. “I know you love her, but she’s a little manipulative towards you.” 

Loki scoffed loudly. “What?” He asked incredulously. “It was just a stupid gift, Tony. You’re the one that’s reading too much into things. And you say I’m the one that does that.” 

“Babe,” Tony said. There was a seriousness in his voice like a warning, and Loki found himself compelled to listen, despite his complete desire to blow Tony off. “I don't think you see everything.” 

Loki sat up, dislodging himself from Tony. If they stayed tangled up like that, he’d keep wanting to hold onto Tony’s touch. He stared at Tony, unsure of what he wanted to bitch about. 

Tony stayed where he’d been abandoned on the bed. He leaned onto his elbow and spoke up towards Loki. “When we were at dinner the other night, I saw the way they talked to you, Loki.” 

“Everything was fine,” Loki told him. Why was he saying it like that? There was no need to be fucking dramatic about it. 

Tony smiled unpleasantly to disagree with him. “Your mom’s very good at talking your father into doing things,” Tony said. “She twisted the conversation whenever she didn’t like something. She probably keeps him in line a lot,” Tony said. “And I get it. That works for them, I’m not saying it’s healthy, but it’s functional.” Loki took a quick, sharp breath. Why the fuck did Tony think he got to analyze _his_ family like this? “She’s very good at manipulating your father.” 

Loki had been seething at Tony while he spoke, and now Loki closed his eyes, taking a hard breath. Duh. Of course she was fucking good at manipulating his father. How else did Tony think that she got his stubborn ass father to go along with something? “What about it?” He asked, crossing his arms in tightly to his chest. 

“She’s very good at manipulating your father,” Tony told him. He stared at Loki with clear set determination. “And you.” 

Loki stared back at him, feeling like the room had gone thirty degrees colder. The tie box flashed through his mind. Something sunk into the pit of his stomach and settled there. 

Tony touched his knee. Loki’s whole body jolted. Tony smiled uncomfortably. “Maybe she doesn’t even realize that she does it,” Tony said. The tone of his voice obviously implied that what he didn’t believe what he was saying. Loki didn’t know why he even bothered. Tony’s hand cupped his knee and settled there. “But when you started to say something she didn’t like, she spun it back around on you. Do you ever feel like you’re letting her down?” 

“I am letting her down,” Loki snapped. Hadn’t he fucking just said that?

“I think a lot of that is her in your head, Loki.” Tony sat up, facing him directly on the bed. His hand didn’t leave Loki’s knee. “I’m not saying this to upset you. I just—when we left their house, Loki, I was pissed.” 

Loki felt his shoulders slump down. He hadn’t realized that. He thought he was good at reading Tony. “Why didn’t you say something?” 

Tony shrugged. “You were content, and I didn’t want to ruin the evening.”

Tony’s thumb traced a small circle against his skin. “I mean, honestly, Loki?” Tony said. “They’re kind of assholes to you.” 

“They are not,” Loki said. “My father’s an ass, but that’s just how he is.” 

Tony squeezed his knee. Loki stared down at the scars along Tony’s chest instead of into his eyes, deliberately avoiding the persuasive plea there. “Remember what I said about how you can love your family and know they’re kind of still assholes?” Loki didn’t answer him. “Look. I loved my dad, but I also hated him and he was a real bastard sometimes. And I know I like to paint a rosy picture of my mom, but she wasn’t perfect. She enabled him. She didn’t work and was home all the time, but she let nannies raise me.” There was a familiar bitterness in Tony’s voice. “I loved them, but I also get that they were selfish assholes. And it took me a while in therapy to work all of that out.” 

Loki stared off to the side towards Tony’s nightstand instead. “And you knew that,” Tony said quietly, trying to sound helpful. “That’s why you worked so hard to break free of them.” He massaged his hand along Loki’s thigh. The tension at the base of Loki’s spine unwound against his will with the motion. “I just think you’ve gotten lost now that things aren’t easy. But the void won’t last forever, Loki.” He set his other hand on Loki’s other knee, as if silently begging for Loki to look at him. “You have to trust yourself. I think you’re so busy in your head questioning everything you do and trying to figure out everyone else that you miss stuff.” 

“Tony,” Loki said. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Tony patiently waited for him to speak. When nothing came, he continued. 

“I mean, you've been with your family a long time. Everyone gets blind spots.” Loki glanced at him, loosening his crossed arms a fraction. “I don’t think Thor sees everything either,” Tony said. “He tries really hard to impress your dad.” A sympathetic frown turned up his bottom lip. “I think he’s blind to some stuff about you, even though he doesn’t want to be. It’s just—how it’s always been for you guys, you know?” 

Tony scooted in a little closer to his knees. “Can I hold you?” 

Loki licked his lip. He didn't know why, but he dropped his arms to his sides. “Yes,” he said. 

Tony straddled his lap, wrapping his warm arms around Loki. It felt good, making his body unwind even though his mind was still racing. Maybe he just wanted the comfort. “They piss me off, Loki.” Tony said it firmly, anger in his tone. “I saw them make you question yourself at that dinner, Loki. You didn't talk the way you normally do. You couldn’t be yourself, and I hated it.” 

Loki sighed. “Everyone has problems with their family, Tony.” 

“Doesn’t make yours less important,” Tony said. He buried his head against Loki’s neck for a few moments. As he leaned back, he kissed Loki’s collarbone. “I love you,” he said. “And I’m not going to sit back while they push you around.” 

“I’m fine Tony,” he said irritably, though there was a lump in his throat suddenly and a pricking sensation behind his eyes. 

Tony’s chest expanded with a deep breath. “You’re really good about being there for me when I tell you something,” Tony said. Loki relaxed a little bit. It was easy to comfort Tony when he was upset about something. Loki didn’t see why he should be given credit for that. “But man,” Tony said. Loki could feel Tony’s toothy grin against his skin. “You suck at opening up and giving me a chance to be a good boyfriend.” 

Loki opened his mouth to argue, but was then struck by the thought that he hadn’t framed it quite like that before. He grabbed Tony’s hips, finally relaxing enough to really let himself fall into Tony’s tight embrace. 

He’d rather help Tony with his panic attacks than muddle through his own fucked up headspace. He hadn’t realized he’d been denying Tony anything. “Thanks,” he mumbled. Tony nosed his way in under Loki’s neck. “But I’m okay, Tony. You don’t have to worry,” Loki reassured him. 

Tony sat up, right at his eye level. “You don’t think there’s any truth to what I just said?” He asked. Loki clenched his jaw in an effort to fight against the quaking feeling there, and the weightlessness in his limbs. “I just misinterpreted everything?” 

Loki’s bottom lip shook. “No,” he said truthfully. He just didn’t want to admit that his mother did that to him sometimes. He didn’t want to lose her as an ally, and he needed her. Tony’s thumb rubbed across his cheek. Loki couldn’t sit up anymore. He started to fall back into the bed, and Tony followed with him. 

Tony reached back and grabbed the covers, pulling the heavy comforter over them and settling comfortably onto Loki’s chest. Loki set a hand on Tony’s hip. The other hand flopped to the mattress, limp and open. “Loki,” Tony said. He kissed slowly along Loki’s jaw, soft and comforting. “Everything’s going to be okay.” 

“No. It’s not,” Loki said dully. 

He turned his head to the side, not for the sake of exposing his neck to Tony’s wanting lips, but to stare at the far wall instead. 

So maybe his mother manipulated him sometimes, and maybe in the back of his mind, somewhere, he’d known and not wanted to know. But that’s how everyone was. That’s how he was. He’d always been called a liar, and he knew how to manipulate people. And Tony could be manipulative too. All it would take was one ugly argument and it’d come out. And Tony probably wouldn’t even realize it. Everyone was fucked up. Loki sighed. So what did it matter? 

He felt Tony’s lips at the corner of his eye, then at his ear. Tony sighed, not saying anything. He stretched. Then he pushed his hands under Loki’s shoulders and held on.

“I know how that feels,” Tony said quietly. 

Loki wrapped his other arm up over Tony’s back. He hadn’t meant to drag Tony down. 

Tony briefly kissed his jaw. 

“I’m sorry,” Loki mumbled. “I’m selfish and irresponsible and I should’ve just—”

“Stop,” Tony said. Loki bit on his lip. Tony laid his head on Loki’s chest. “It’s fine.” 

He stared at the ceiling, silently agonized. His mind raced. “You’re right,” he said after a while, not sure if Tony had fallen asleep. He didn’t know how much time had passed. “I wanted to get out of it and I couldn’t. I—I knew, that’s why I got the first tattoo. I told you that,” Loki said. A lot. He’d told the story a lot. 

Tony leaned up so that he could look into Loki’s eyes. There was a soft, patient smile on his lips. “I know,” he said. 

Loki curled his lips into his mouth. He bit on them. “I don’t know what to do,” Loki said. “I want to make it work. I don’t want them to leave.” He raised his arms up to Tony’s shoulder blades and held him, dropping his head back. “I don’t know if that makes me fucked up,” he said. 

Loki sighed, glad that Tony was lying over him. It was reassuring. “I know they’re fucked up, but sometimes I just—sometimes I think about what it'd be like if things were different. Like if Father had chosen to let me lead the company. I could’ve done it.” He shifted his hips, not meaning to draw an unintentionally sharp breath from Tony. He rubbed his fingers against Tony’s back in apology. “But that was never the plan,” Loki said. “And I—I wanted to do things right,” he said. “Sometimes,” he said, unable to believe that it was pouring out of him, “when I was in culinary school, I’d think about what it’d be like when I got out. I’d open a renown restaurant and prove to them that I know what I’m doing. Or take over an existing one. I’d run a business of my own, and they’d see how capable I was.” He pointed his knees up, Tony’s legs dropping to the mattress beneath. “But they always already knew how capable I was. And I—I’m just their bum son now.” 

“Loki,” Tony said, reprimanding him. “That’s bullshit. You’re not their bum son.” 

Loki stretched one leg back down onto the mattress, giving Tony an indulgent look. “I am,” he told Tony. “On every account in their eyes, I have failed them. I didn’t prove myself at all.” 

“Get that shit out of your head,” Tony growled. 

Loki stroked Tony’s back, giving him time and not arguing back. When he thought that Tony had settled enough, he continued. “I guess since I fucked up, I don’t hope that I’ll come back and prove that they were wrong someday,” Loki said. “And cutting them out of my life sort of sucked in a way too, you know? I mean I hated them,” Loki said honestly. “At that time, I really did.” 

He tightened his grip around Tony’s shoulders. “But when things went to shit, my mum still took care of me.” He could feel Tony breathing against him, and his warm body weight reminded Loki that he was right there, but Loki kept his eyes cast towards the ceiling. “And Thor’s been good,” Loki said. “If I had just plowed on as a chef, we probably would’ve never started really talking again.” He kissed Tony’s forehead. “I don’t just want to tell them to fuck off now.” 

“But Loki,” Tony said. “Appreciating them helping you out is not the same as—letting yourself be manipulated by your parents.” Loki didn’t disagree. “And you don’t have to completely cut them off, I’m not saying that. I just don’t like what they’ve done to you.” 

Loki dropped his arms onto the bed. “You talk like they’re the ones responsible for this mess. It’s me,” Loki said.

Tony pulled his hands up and brought them to cup Loki’s cheeks, anxiously explaining himself. “The way they sit inside your head,” Tony said. “The things you think about yourself because they—I just—okay. Let’s say that you did run the family business, alright?” 

“Okay,” Loki said. 

“And let’s say your dad got involved with less than perfect business practices,” Tony said. 

“Okay.” 

Tony shifted against him, drawing attention to the sensation that his weight wasn’t exactly comfortable for this long. “I wouldn’t put it past your dad to pin you with that, Loki. If going to jail was between you and him, I think he’d send you.” 

Loki pushed himself up with his elbows. “You’re too heavy, move for a second,” he said gently. Tony sat up, wrapping the comforter around his shoulders. Loki kept his legs loosely around Tony, but propped himself up against the headboard. “So you think if my father got caught with, say, insider trading—he’d put that on me?” 

“I’m saying I think it’s a possibility,” Tony said fervently. 

Loki made an expression somewhere between a grimace and a sneer, glancing away. 

“Are you saying that you can, one hundred percent, tell me I’m full of shit?” Tony demanded. 

He had a point. “No,” Loki admitted with a hint of resentment. 

“You know they can be dangerous, Loki. That’s why you were so freaked out about them seeing me with you at the wedding,” Tony said. “You were afraid of them. You know that if they get it stuck in their minds about something, they’ll be hell bent on getting it. They’re manipulative. You know that.” 

Tony didn’t have to make such an impassioned plea about it. “You paint them like they’re heartless villains, Tony,” Loki said irritably. “Yeah, they have some bad sides, but they’re my family. And my mother wouldn’t do that to me.” 

“Really?” Tony asked. 

“I think there’d be a hell of a fight,” Loki shot back. 

“I know that you’ve told them they're not your real family on more than one occasion.” Tony’s voice was self-assured, challenging almost. 

Loki pulled his legs back in towards himself. “I didn’t tell you that.” His eyebrows sank down suspiciously. “Thor told you that.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “More than once. It really tore him up for a bit.” Tony blinked quickly. “But that was years ago.” 

Fuck. Well that had all come back to bite him in the ass, hadn’t it? 

“Well, they’re still my family,” Loki snapped. He was half-embarrassed, half-furious. “Yeah, I was an ass to them, but _they’re my family,_ Tony.” 

“And that’s fine,” Tony said. “I’m not saying you should tell them to go fuck themselves, either. Shit. I wouldn’t want to deal with Thor on that one.” He smiled, as if Loki would indulge the joke. It fell flat. “But you’ve got to admit, there are problems there Loki.” 

Loki crossed his arms, wishing that he had some of the comforter that was around Tony’s shoulders. It felt ridiculous to be completely naked when they were having this argument now. “Yeah? Well what do you want me to do about it?” 

“Just notice it,” Tony said. “Maybe question the things your mom says.” 

Loki let out a loud, deep sigh. “Yeah, you’re right. I should probably—do that.” The mattress bounced as Tony scooted back from him, wrapping the blanket in closer around himself. For a moment, Loki fretted that he’d managed to really piss off Tony. “I—” He started, trying not to sound as stand offish. “Okay,” he relented. “I don’t know what to do.” 

Tony smiled to the side. “That’s okay.” 

Loki shook his head. “Obviously it’s not.” 

“It’ll be okay, Lokes. We’ll figure something out,” Tony promised. He rearranged his legs on the bed. “I mean, you can always come to therapy with me if you want one night. It’s helps.” Tony dropped the blanket from his shoulders. 

He started to get up off the bed. Loki’s anxiety must’ve shown on his face because Tony said, “I’ll be right back. I’ve had to pee for the last ten minutes.” 

As Tony disappeared out into the hall, Loki slumped forward onto his knees. He propped his chin up on the back of one of his hands and stared down at the bed. Guilt was starting to taunt him. When he heard Tony coming back, he slid down into the covers. 

Tony threw them back on his half of the bed to get in and then shuffled in close to Loki. “Okay?” He asked. 

Loki pulled Tony into him, burying his nose in Tony’s neck. “Yeah,” he said. Tony’s arm came in over his back. “I just fucked up your good boyfriend scenario, didn’t I?” He asked, trying to joke about it. 

“What?” 

“Giving you a chance to be a good boyfriend,” Loki clarified. The bedsheets rustled as Tony leaned into him. 

“No,” Tony said. “You did good.” 

Loki leaned up and tugged the sheets up a little higher. He glanced down as he did, and saw that Tony’s eyes were closed. “Goodnight Tony,” he said as he settled back down. 

Tony’s arm pulled in tight against his back. “We can keep talking,” he said. 

“No,” Loki said. “I think that covers it.” He brushed his fingers though Tony’s hair, feeling the ends flip up. “I mean, unless you…?” 

He felt a small sigh from Tony on his skin. “No,” Tony decided. “I’m good, Lokes.” He nosed his way in a little closer to Loki and settled. Loki closed his eyes, but it was hard to drift into sleep when he was thinking everything over, even if his fucked out body was exhausted and displeased with being forced to stay awake through the conversation and now this. 

It wasn’t until he recognized the steady pattern of Tony’s sleepy breathing that he found himself eased and falling asleep.


	37. Chapter 37

Loki heard Tony in the kitchen doorframe, but he didn’t think much of it as he pulled groceries from their bags. He slammed drawers open and shut, tossing things in cabinets and the fridge in an efficient, swift rhythm. “Want help with anything?” Tony asked. 

“No,” Loki answered, crouching down to a bottom cabinet. Tony always put things in the wrong spot anyway. He shoved a cereal box inside. There were shallots on the table still, he needed to get them—Tony caught his eye as he stood. 

It wasn’t a quiet look. His mind was certainly alive, assessing Loki with wired contemplation. Loki smiled stiffly. “Do you need something out of here?” Tony shook his head. Loki glanced down at the table. He grabbed the shallots between his long fingers and turned back to the fridge. 

The next three days were going to be Tony staying at his apartment so that he could work at the coffee shop. He needed to have some meals prepared. His apartment was looking a little sparse, with him largely depending on meals coming from Tony’s and all. Loki sighed as he realized that, then ran his fingers over his hair, knocking more strands loose from his ponytail. “How was work?” Tony asked, interrupting his thoughts. 

Loki pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine,” he said. He needed to find his cookbook with that one recipe in it, he hadn’t looked at it in ages. Maybe it was in the far cabinet. Tony sat down at the table as Loki remembered that he’d put it in his bedroom. He walked past Tony and returned a couple minutes later, having dusted off the book. He muttered to himself as he walked with the book open in his arms. 

Loki set the thick book down on the table beside Tony, oblivious to the way that Tony’s eyes were following him. “I cleaned the lab up today,” Tony said. “It looks really good.” 

Loki paused. Tony had said that he’d go home while Loki was at work. Loki knew that Tony had planned to spend the day in the lab, so it was strange that Tony was here before him when it was so easy for Tony to get lost in a project. “When’d you get back here?” Loki asked. 

“An hour ago,” Tony said casually. 

Oh, Tony. He probably rushed to get back before him then. And Loki had taken his time at the store, thinking that Tony would show up in the late evening still covered in grease. “I’m making onion soup,” he said, hoping to please Tony. It was a ridiculously complicated version of it, but he wanted to do it and he’d just dump extra cheese on Tony’s to make sure that he liked it anyway. 

Tony smiled. “You’re going to be in the kitchen all night.” 

“No I’m not,” Loki said lightly, going over to the stove. 

“Are you going to make those cream puff things?” 

He must’ve seen the ingredients in the bags. “Yes,” Loki said, tying on an apron. 

“Then you’re going to be in here all night.” 

Loki closed his eyes for a split second. Damn. Tony knew how long it took to make shit now, imagine that. He turned back around. Tony was getting at something. “Did you have something else in mind?” 

Tony leaned back in his chair, setting one foot on the chair across from him. “Don’t freak out,” he said. “But I just—wanted to give you some time to talk about your mom, if you want. And the things we were talking about the other night.” 

Loki’s mouth slipped open a fraction. He recovered from his surprise, tightly tugging at his apron. “I’m fine,” he said. He fucked with the apron strings, readjusting them as he turned his back to Tony to mess with the stove. Fuck. He’d knotted them. 

“You’re stress cooking,” Tony said gently. 

“So what?” Loki snapped, knifing his nail into the knot. 

“Maybe you want to talk about it?” Tony suggested. 

The knot came undone. Loki gingerly retied it before looking over his shoulder at Tony. “I heard what you said the other night.” He brushed his hands off on the apron. “There’s nothing else to say about it.” He grabbed his cutting board to set to work. 

“You’re upset,” Tony stated. Loki rolled his eyes, deciding that the best tactic was to ignore him. “Loki,” Tony said. “This morning you threw your jacket on the ground and called it an asshole.” 

“The zipper was stuck—” Loki snapped, turning around. The words dropped out of his mouth as he realized how unreasonable he sounded. He stared shame-faced at the ground, embarrassed and rising in anger. He brushed his hair back from his face with a flat hand over his forehead to soothe himself. “Tony,” he said, putting one hand on his hip. “I just—let me get through it.” 

Tony huffed out a breath. “Yeah, well, you’ve kind of been pissy towards me too.” He crossed his arms. “And I’ve given you a couple days to work on it by yourself.” 

“So give me a couple more.” 

“No, Loki—” Tony twisted his lips to the side. “I’m not supposed to do that.” It looked like he hated himself for saying it, or maybe it was just hard for him. Yet, determination still set in as he spoke. “We can’t keep ignoring things. I know you’re upset about what I brought up and we should talk about it.” 

“Is that something your therapist said?” Tony gave him a dark look. “Sorry,” Loki said. That was insensitive, and he knew it. He’d deliberately stepped on a sore spot of Tony’s. He clasped his fingers on his nose for a second. Now Tony looked offended and pissed off. Great. “I appreciate it,” Loki gritted out. “It’s just—” He took a deep breath.

No, he was not in the mood to do this. He turned back around to the stove. 

“Loki,” Tony said. “It’s okay. You can tell me about it.” 

Fuck. Now Tony was going to get upset because he wasn’t keeping up his end of the bargain and sharing things, but he really fucking didn’t want to talk about it right now, and he had turned Tony down two nights ago when he asked if he wanted to come along to therapy with him that night because he was just too tired and wasn’t ready and didn’t know what he’d say and felt like he’d be encroaching on Tony, and that didn’t look good, and now Tony would think he was avoiding him, and why the fuck did Tony want to talk about something so ugly anyway? “I know,” Loki said. “I know but—” His chest ached like it was splintering. “What do you want me to say?” 

Loki rubbed his hands against his face, closing his eyes and taking in a breath. He dropped his hands back against the counter, but that didn’t feel comfortable, so he crossed them over his stomach. 

“Sorry I dragged you into this whole mess with my fucked up family,” Loki said, hoping that would put an end to it. 

“Loki, that’s not what I meant,” Tony said. He set his leg back down on the floor like he was going to get up from the chair. Loki didn’t want that.

“What do you want me to say?” Loki asked, voice jumping this time. “I get it. You’re right. You’re right, okay? My mum’s manipulative.” He pulled in a deep breath. Fuck, saying it out loud was so much worse than in his head. “I thought about what you said and the fucking cufflinks and—” He bit on his lip, turning his head to the side. Shit. He needed to keep it together. “All the times she’s done that sort of thing before. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t do anything. I can’t change her or my fucked up father, Tony. That’s just how things are.” 

“It’s okay,” Tony started. 

Loki cut off his platitude, whatever the fuck it was going to be. “Clearly, it’s not!” The bird upstairs started screeching. His nostrils flared as he breathed in. “You’re pissed,” he told Tony. “You have to contend with my fucked up family and probably my mother. Does she say things to you?” Loki seethed, considering that. “You probably wouldn’t tell me if she did,” he decided. 

Tony opened his mouth to speak but Loki cut him off. “The one person I felt like understood me has been playing me into their hand,” Loki said. He shook his head. “And it brought up all this old shit again that I don’t need to deal with again. I get it, okay? You have a right to be pissed about all this shit, and I’m sorry I dragged you into all of it, and I understand if you don’t want to put up with it—”

Tony’s chair squeaked as he stood up. There was little space for him to cross before he was right in front of Loki, who pushed his crossed arms into his stomach. Tony looked up at him, tilting his head back to accommodate Loki’s taller stature. He was standing too close. “You think I want to leave you over your parents?” Tony asked gently, compared to Loki’s yelling. “That’s what you’ve been thinking?” 

Loki felt like he was supposed to give an answer to that. “Jane only puts up with Thor because she got knocked up.” 

“You know that’s not true,” Tony said firmly. Loki knew Tony was right, but ignored that inclination. 

“She shouldn’t have to,” Loki said. “She could find in-laws that didn’t treat her like shit.” 

“She chose Thor and your family,” Tony said. “And anyway, we’re not him and her.” It sounded silly when Tony said it out loud like that. “You’re putting what you think Jane should do onto me,” Tony said. 

Well that made it sound awful. Now Loki had to defend himself. “It’s not like that,” he said. “I simply don’t think that Jane or you should have to contend with the manipulations of my parents.” 

“And that’s one of the things I like about you,” Tony said. 

Loki was taken aback. This was the last place in the world that he expected praise. 

“You care about people, Loki. And you want to look out for them,” Tony said. “In your own way. You care about Jane, so you worry about her. But it makes you miss that she can take care of herself.” Loki still wasn’t over the surprise of Tony not yelling back at him. “You’re still a little protective of your parents, even though you know who they are,” Tony said. “And now that I know you, I know you’re like that about Thor too.” 

He tentatively set his hands on Loki’s hips. “But you completely leave yourself out of the equation, Loki.” Tony rubbed his fingers into the tight muscles of Loki’s back, sending tingling sensations up his spine. “I’m not perfect,” Tony said. “Not by a long stretch. You know about a lot of my fuck ups, and there are still some things you don’t know about,” Tony said. “But you never throw those in my face. You don’t condemn me for them and walk out on me.” 

Loki still didn’t know what to say. He was too busy trying to process it as Tony’s fingers worked at his waist. “So what makes you think that I’m going to toss you out?” Tony asked quietly. 

The question was so heavy with emotion that Loki felt guilty. 

“What you want and need matters too,” Tony murmured. “And I’m not dating your parents, Loki. I’m dating _you_.” 

“I know,” Loki said quietly, relaxing his body a bit. 

Tony hugged him, setting his forehead on Loki’s chest. “Good,” he muttered. Tony turned his head sideways and rested his cheek on Loki’s chest. Slowly, Loki wrapped his arms around Tony in return. His arms were loose where as Tony’s were tight, but it was comfortable. Loki distracted his mind by running through the next steps for preparing the soup. 

He didn’t realize that Tony had moved to stare up at him until Tony’s chin pressed against his sternum uncomfortably. “Are we good?” He asked Tony, raising an eyebrow. 

Tony stood back, leaning off of him but not dropping his arms from Loki’s back. “What do you think I’m going to do about your family?” He asked. 

Loki let go of him, but Tony held on. Loki rubbed his nose. Tony’s brown eyes were on him, expecting an answer. “Tolerate them,” Loki offered, not meeting Tony’s gaze. 

He felt Tony’s chest expand against his with a quick breath. “Until?” Tony asked. 

“You get sick of that,” Loki said snidely, loathing that Tony had made him say it. 

“Then we’re not good,” Tony said. 

Loki rolled his eyes. “You don’t understand,” Loki said. “You’ve hardly had any time to know them.” He was going to tear Tony apart on this one. Tony had to understand, this was not a game. They could seriously damage Tony’s life. 

“I’ve known them as long as I’ve known Thor,” Tony said with a growl in his voice. He released Loki and stepped back, if only to give him space. 

Loki had forgotten about that. “Well,” he contended. “You’ve only seen the side that they want you to see.” 

“I think I have a pretty clear view,” Tony said. His body became tense, conviction set in his stance. “And they’re not exactly making an effort to impress me.” 

“Really?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow. “You have a pretty clear view?” He looked at Tony down the bridge of his nose. Fire danced in his eyes as he waited on Tony’s reply. 

“Yes!” Tony shot back. “I see the effect they’ve had on you, for one thing, and you can be stuck up about it with that stupid look on your face all that you want, but you don’t have that perspective, Loki!” Loki couldn’t argue against that point, so he said nothing. “You shouldn’t be asking how long I’ll put up with them, you should be asking how long I’ll put up with the way they treat you!” 

Loki rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t be so dramatic. They’re not bad guys, Tony. They’re just people. Fucked up people.” 

“See?” Tony said. “Defending them.” 

“Being rational.” 

Tony crossed his arms, scratched his chin, and then crossed his arms again, unable to find a comfortable position. “If it just is what it is, then why worry?” Tony asked. “Why torture yourself over it if you don’t care?” 

“Because it still sucks,” Loki shot back. “I’ll get over it. Can’t you just let me work it out on my own? I don’t see why it has to be an issue.” 

“Why not tell me about it?” Tony demanded. 

“Because you can’t do anything about it!” Loki gripped the counter behind him, his knuckles turning white. “Why are you so hell bent on torturing yourself? There is nothing good concerning my parents and us, Tony. Why do you want to talk about that? Why do you want to talk about how they’re assholes?” His heart beat erratically in his chest. “I can’t fucking fix them, and neither can you. And maybe it’s interesting to you right now, but you’ll get sick of it. This is not fun, Tony. I don’t want you to have to deal with it. It sucks.” 

Tony looked him square in the eye. “That is exactly what I said about my anxiety.” 

Loki felt the wind drop out of his sails. 

“I hate that I have it and I hate that you have to deal with it, but you do,” Tony said, both forceful and emotional. “You hate the situation with your parents and I know you hate the shit that Odin said about me, but let me deal with that, Loki. Because—you’re missing the point again. I want to help you work through how you feel about your family shit. I can help. I worked through mine. And I don’t know if we can get your parents to budge, but _you’re_ the one I care about, Loki.” Loki’s hands slipped from the countertop. “And their effect on you fucking bothers me, alright? I mean, shit,” Tony said. “I know you want to help me with my anxiety,” he said, voice softer with self-consciousness. “You do, and I—when I used your laptop one day I found articles about how to help someone with it.” Loki felt his cheeks flush. He hadn’t meant for Tony to find that. “You try,” Tony said. “So wake up and see that I want to try, and that you can ask for that. You don’t have to shield me from it. Quit leaving yourself out of the equation.” 

Loki’s heart thundered in his chest. “Okay,” he said quietly. Tony hovered awkwardly beside him. “Do you want to—to sit down and talk about it, I guess?” He meant the concession as his olive branch, afraid to argue further. 

Tony frowned, thinking. “Show me what to do,” he said. “I’ll help you make whatever it is you’re making, just tell me what to do and you can stress cook while you work,” he said, smiling hopefully at the end. 

Loki glanced over at the cutting board. Chopping was an easier task, although nothing Tony would make would be consistent…but it would just have to be good enough. He’d simplify the recipe. “Here,” he said, setting the heavy wooden board in Tony’s hands. “Chop the things I give you into the right size pieces. I’ll show you what.” 

Tony obediently set the board on the kitchen table and took to the first task that Loki showed him. When he decided that Tony had the hang of it, Loki went back to the stove. 

He set his fingers on the burner dial, deciding what to say. “I’m just frustrated,” he admitted. Het set a heavy stock pot on the burner. “I think I’ve tried everything I can think of,” Loki said. Behind him, Tony’s knife hit the board at uneven but nonetheless diligent increments. “I’m just burnt out on thinking about it and burnt out on trying, and then you pointed that out about my mother and it brought up all of the feelings I’d had in college and thought that I was over—” Loki took in a deep breath, feeling slightly sick to his stomach. “I just realized how little things had changed in so many years, and how deeply frustrating that is.” 

The cutting board knife echoed in the kitchen. 

“I mean, I feel like we’ve had this conversation before,” Loki said. “It doesn’t change.” 

“You feel like nothing’s ever going to change?” Tony asked. 

The pot clanged as he moved it. “Yes.” 

“But it has, a little?” Tony asked, or maybe suggested. Loki couldn’t tell just by listening. 

He gave the stock pot a morose look. “Not nearly enough,” Loki said resolutely. Utensils clanked together as he pulled open a drawer. “Aside from you, there has been little in the past few years worth keeping.” 

“Loki,” Tony said gently, acknowledging the compliment. Loki didn’t turn around to encourage him. He’d meant it, but he didn’t need praise for it—that was simply how he felt about things. “But you have your own work, and your own place,” Tony suggested. “And you’ve tried to go your own way.” 

“And made an absolute mess of it,” Loki said. 

“Well,” Tony said. “Experiments don’t often go right the first time.” 

Loki paused in what he was doing. He hadn’t thought of it that way. 

“I mean, I have to admit that it sort of freaked me out at first, but I think I understand it a lot better now,” Tony said. “You’re trying to do things differently.” The knife scraped against the board. “And you haven’t had a lot to work with,” Tony said a bit quieter. “But honestly, I sort of envy some of the things you’ve done Loki—I never would’ve stuck it to my old man that way.” 

“I’ve hardly found a solution,” Loki answered. 

“No, but you’re trying,” Tony said. “That’s—I mean, I never would’ve had the balls to tell my dad that I wouldn’t go to MIT.” 

Loki didn’t think that what he’d done was interesting. Tony was overgenerous. 

“And stood up to him—I mean, Loki, you recognized what was going on and you tried to change. You know, I think I told you this, sometimes I remember something with my parents and only figure out that it was fucked up just now.” Loki glanced back to see that Tony was staring at the cutting board, trying to figure out what to do next. He stepped in and demonstrated as Tony kept talking. “But you figured it out, and maybe the whole kitchen thing didn’t work out, but you can try other stuff—I mean, you are,” Tony said. 

He imitated the chopping motion that Loki showed him. “And,” Tony said. “I guess, you’re not happy at your jobs right now, right?” 

Loki watched Tony cut, making sure that Tony was doing it right as he thought about that. “I feel much less stress at them than in the kitchens,” Loki said. “Although, I suppose I will have to go back.” 

“Why?” Tony asked abruptly. 

Loki went back to the stove. “My jobs aren’t sustainable and at least in a kitchen I’ll have benefits,” he said. “Cooking isn’t exactly a highly marketable skill, Tony.” 

“I didn't know you were thinking about going back,” Tony said. 

Loki wasn’t sure how to read his tone. The words alone irritated him though, so he answered to that. “I’ve tried, things haven’t worked out, maybe I just need to get over it and go back.”

Tony was silent behind him. Loki didn’t rush to add to the conversation. He toyed with the stock pot and made up things to do. 

“No,” Tony said. “Loki, don’t go back to something that didn’t work.” 

“That’s life,” Loki said, telling himself that the feeling in his chest was apathy. 

“You’ve already put this much effort into something different,” Tony said. “Don’t give up now.” 

He didn’t reply.

“Loki,” Tony said. “So you’ve had some botched experiments. I’ve had hundreds. Don’t give up now.” 

“Real life isn’t in a lab, Tony,” Loki said. “It isn’t orderly.” 

“Loki,” Tony said, suddenly impatient. “Don’t. You know that doesn’t work, so don’t do it.” 

Loki swallowed around the lump in his throat. “If I can’t figure out what else to do, I should—at least do something I can do.” He took vegetables from the cutting board without looking at Tony. “I’m just losing time.” 

“No, don’t.” Tony breathed in awkwardly. “You just, you can do something else. Look. I—I kinda agreed with your parents and Thor about what you’re saying, and being a chef again when we first met because I didn’t get it, but now I—like hell am I going to let you fall back into that. Loki,” Tony said, imploring him to look back. Tony’s expression was warm, but fierce. “Doing that is just giving up and going along with what they said. Life will just turn out the way you didn’t want. I mean, you gave up a lot to try and turn things in another direction. I know you, I know you probably fucking hated accepting their help again—” Tony grinned, scratching his beard as if that was funny but shouldn’t be. “I’m sure that was hard,” he said. 

“But you did it,” Tony said. “And you must’ve done it because you really wanted things to change, and if that’s what it took, you’d do it. So—” He dragged out the word, thinking. “Give yourself some credit. I love you, and I think you’re too hard on yourself. It took me too long to figure out.” 

Maybe that love was distorting Tony’s thinking, but Loki found it hard to dismiss Tony that way when what he’d said was sinking so warmly into his chest. 

“I think you’re really good at what you do,” Tony said. “I’ve gotten to have your cooking a lot the last few weeks, and I’m saying this as someone that’s eaten some of the fanciest, most expensive shit around the world—it’s really fucking good.” Loki’s lips twitched up at the corner. “You don’t have to use it in a restaurant. I mean, have you ever thought about starting a business?” Tony’s shoulders hunched in slightly, but he kept his focus set on Loki. 

Loki hadn’t considered that before. He licked his lips. “A restaurant is a risky investment,” he said. “Over half fail in the first year.” 

“I don’t mean a restaurant,” Tony said. “I love those cream puff things you make—you could specialize in those. Distribute them at supermarkets.” He set his hands on his hips. “I don’t know. It’s just, something to think about. I really think you could do it.” 

“It’s—” Loki wanted to praise him, to thank him. “A good idea.” Tony seemed relieved, but weary. “I’ll think about it,” Loki promised. 

“Good,” Tony said, smiling. They were quiet for a second. “We uh, kind of got off track about your mom though.” 

“That’s—” Wow, how that good feeling could get knocked aside. “I get it, Tony. I know I’ve been—an ass the last couple of days.” Fine, he had. He’d tried hiding his frustration from Tony, but he hadn’t been very good at it. 

“It’s okay,” Tony said. 

“Thanks.” 

Loki tugged at his apron, running his thumb over the coarse fabric. “You can just say you’re pissed about it, you know?” Tony said. “I’ll understand.” Loki stared at him, then nodded. “Now what do I do next?” Tony asked, gesturing to the cutting board. 

“Here,” Loki said, walking over and taking the cutting board from him to dump into the pot. “There’s just a lot of waiting for a while.” 

“Can we watch some TV for a while then?” Tony asked. 

“Yeah,” Loki decided, going over to the stock pot. When he’d finished what he was doing, Tony was already sprawled out on the couch waiting. 

Tony opened his arms as Loki walked over. “Hold me like one of your French girls.” 

Loki cracked a reluctant grin. “That’s not how the line goes.” 

“Artistic license,” Tony said. He twitched his fingers, motioning for Loki to lie down with him. 

“Fine,” Loki said. He set his knee down on the other side of Tony, carefully straddling himself over Tony before gently lowering himself down. Tony’s arms snaked in tightly around him in a heartbeat. Loki felt a baffling ease rush into his body. 

Tony kissed his temple. “Let’s watch that creepy antiques show.” 

Loki turned his head to the side on Tony’s chest. “Fine,” he said. “But you can’t spend the next hour trying to find that stuff on eBay.” 

“I’ll just hire them to buy the shit for me,” Tony said, flipping through channels with the remote while keeping one hand securely fastened around Loki. 

“That is the last thing your house needs,” Loki said as Tony found the channel. Tony tossed the remote onto the coffee table. That arm joined the other around Loki. 

“Your apartment then?” Tony asked. 

“Not a chance,” Loki answered, tilting his head into Tony’s chest a little more.


	38. Chapter 38

Loki stared down at the cold metal plate beneath his hands. “Just hold it in place a few more seconds,” Tony said from a few feet over. Loki diligently applied pressure to the plate as Tony amended something on the other end. “Thanks,” he said in a good spirited mood. 

“Do you want me to hold that end again?” Loki asked. 

“No, I think that should do it.” Tony took a second glance at his side, then walked over to where Loki was and checked. “Yeah. It’s fine.” 

Tony had explained where the piece would fit into the design that he was working on, but Loki hadn’t understood enough about the original project to really get the importance of this particular piece. “When’s this going to be finished?” 

“In a couple of months, maybe.” Tony scratched his chin, thinking that over. Leaving him to it, Loki wandered back over to Tony’s computer chair as Tony bent down to work on another long strip of metal. Loki leaned his cheek against the mesh back of the ergo dynamic chair while he slouched sideways on it, watching Tony work. “Ah, shit.” Tony stood up. “I think I —wait, no. I can—it’s good. Yeah. Pencil?” 

Loki grabbed one from the desk and held it towards Tony’s outstretched hand. “Is this similar to the thing you’re getting an award for?” Loki asked. Tony made a quick tick mark with the pencil. 

He stood, scratching the back of his head. “No,” he said. “That’s more of a general achievements thing.” His mood dropped with the answer, and Loki slightly wished that he hadn’t asked the question. The unenthusiastic response was unexpected.

“You’re not excited to go?” Loki asked, needing to understand the shift.

Tony sighed. “It’s—I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s a big award and all, and it’s going to be good press for my company.” Tony grabbed a roll of electrical tape off the floor. “I want to go, but it’s going to be a lot of comparing each other’s dicks and kissing ass.” Tony bit off a strip of the tape. “Not literally,” he added, casting a glance back at Loki with a grin on his mouth. 

“You’d only be disappointed anyway,” Loki said. 

Tony laughed. He kneeled down to grab at a few wires. “What time does your flight leave and come back?” Loki asked. 

“Seven a.m. on Tuesday, then I should come back Thursday night. Do you know your schedule yet?” Tony asked. 

“No,” Loki said. “I’ll know on Monday.” 

Tony reached behind himself and grabbed a pair of pliers. “If you have to work at the coffeeshop, I’ll just stay here so that I don’t wake you when I leave.” His back was to Loki, revealing nothing but the stretch of blue cotton across his shoulder blades as his arms worked. Loki was going to miss that scruff of brown hair. But it was only three days. He probably wouldn’t even notice. 

“Why?” Loki asked. “Afraid of what might happen if you wake me up early?” 

“Unless I wake you up for sex, yeah, I might lose a limb.” Tony’s voice was wry but playful. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. I like your limbs,” Loki answered. 

Tony chuckled. “Only because they’re useful.” He grabbed a screwdriver off the floor. “Do you want me to bring you back a souvenir?” 

When Tony had told him about the trip, he hadn’t asked for Loki to come with him. Loki considered that a good thing. Tony had to know what the answer was already, and Loki didn’t like the old things that it brought up. A souvenir though…they’d handled that alright before. That could be okay. “Sure,” he said. 

“What do you want?” 

Loki swallowed. “Just something simple,” he said. “Don’t go overboard.” Tony taped a few wires together. “A postcard or whatever would be fine.” 

“I’m not bringing you just a postcard,” Tony said. “I’ll bring you some coffee. Seattle’s known for that, and you’d like that.” 

Oh. That was actually. Yeah. Okay. “I would,” Loki said. 

Tony turned back to smile at him. “I know,” Tony said proudly. Loki smirked. He was too fond of Tony in that moment to reply with something witty or teasing. “Hey, you want to pass me that sticky pad on the desk?” 

Loki tossed it towards him. It was an easy catch. Tony wrote down a couple of numbers and stuck it on the floor, then wrote another one and stuck that on the strip of metal above him. Tony muttered to himself, writing a few more things down on the pad, then stuck that to the floor as well. He set his hands on his knees and looked back over to Loki. “Want to watch TV or something?” 

“Really?” Loki asked skeptically. 

“Yeah,” Tony grinned. “We’ve been down here a couple of hours already, and I need a break.” 

Loki rose from the chair, stretching. “Okay,” he said. He decided to leave his book on the desk. Tony had needed his help and they’d ended up talking the whole time, instead of the comfortable co-working that they did in the lab some nights. “What about working through the rest of your vinyl collection?”

“Ha,” Tony said, amused at himself. “Okay. But I told you, the good stuff’s mine that I collected when I was going through that phase—”

“—and anything that sucks was your dad’s. I know.” Loki challenged Tony with a smirk. “Oddly enough, some of the ones that suck seem to be recent purchases.” 

Tony scoffed. “They’re all old. I haven’t bought anything that’s just a crappier version of a CD,” he said. 

“You haven’t?” Loki asked loftily. 

“No,” Tony said, getting that look like he was going to spend the next fifteen minutes trying to prove Loki wrong. Their teasing banter continued down the hall to the spare room that Tony had stored the records in. They went back to dusting them off, rearranging and sorting them. 

As classic music streamed from the stereo, skipping along as they sat sprawled out on the floor together in a halo of album covers, Loki found himself in a state of perfect contentment. For once he felt like maybe his life was working out alright after all. 

 

Tony texted when he got on the plane, and sent a picture of the hotel room when he arrived. He texted constantly, until he met up with some colleagues, and then Loki didn’t have to keep disappearing into a fitting room to text back. The first day passed quickly. Loki returned from work late and didn’t think much of crashing into an empty bed. 

The next morning, Loki realized that he could turn on the bedroom light to get dressed for work because Tony wasn’t there. He didn’t have to think twice about the noise he made as he got ready. 

Yet when he came back from the coffee shop around noon, the apartment seemed too quiet. Loki thought about flopping down on the couch and reading a book until his evening shift, but he suddenly felt restless. 

He hadn’t done laundry in a week. He could start there. 

As he went to get his things, he noticed Tony’s socks on the floor. For a moment, he just stared at them. He decided that he could throw them in with his. Snatching them off the ground, he made his way over to his hamper and spotted one of Tony’s shirts on the floor. Tony was shit at picking up after himself. 

Adding that in, Loki remembered that one of Tony’s sweatshirts was still hanging off a chair in the kitchen. 

He tried not to think about the fact that he was _doing Tony’s freaking laundry for him_ as he kicked the hamper down to the communal washing machines. He dumped their things in and headed back upstairs, hoping that the asshole on the third floor didn’t decide to dump their wet clothes on top of the washer to stick his own things in. 

Then he cleaned the apartment. The kitchen was pretty well spotless, but the rest needed attention. He vacuumed the main room until a bouncy ball got stuck in the vacuum head and he had to fish it out. He discovered a couple of Tony’s business cards in the couch cushions and tossed them on the coffee table. 

There were too many plastic bottles in the shower because Tony was particular about his soaps, so Loki made a mental note to buy a cheap wire rack at work because he was sick of stepping on them when they fell over. He sprayed and scrubbed the entire bathroom down, wondering with a pang of unease when the last time he’d done this was. Maybe it had grossed Tony out but he hadn’t wanted to say anything. 

The bedroom was the hardest to cleanup. It was crammed with old school books, kitchenware he wasn’t using, and things from his old apartments. He did the best he could with it and then went downstairs to put the wash he’d forgotten about into the dryer. 

The asshole neighbor hadn’t made an appearance. Content with that, Loki put an alarm in his phone for the dryer, then went back up. 

He looked around for something else to clean, but there was nothing. He sank down onto the couch. He bit his thumbnail. 

His mind wandered until it landed on the suggestion that Tony had made the other night. Maybe—maybe there was something to the business product idea. 

Lacking a better distraction, Loki got up and walked into the kitchen. He stood there with his arms crossed for a while. Then he began opening cabinets and staring in them until he’d recall a recipe book and open that to read for a bit before tossing it on the table and repeating the process over again. When his phone went off, Loki was completely immersed. 

He rushed down to get the laundry and then tossed it onto the couch before going into the kitchen and marking a few pages in his cookbooks. Then he systematically put them away and returned to the couch. Loki checked his phone once before he started folding. 

Tony was receiving the award today. Loki hoped that it went well for Tony. He figured that Tony’s schedule was packed. 

He folded the first shirt with crisp, effortless efficiency. 

As his lined fingers brushed over cotton, he remembered a time in the year before. His mother had just visited to find his dirty laundry piled up on the couch and the coffee table littered with beer bottles. He’d had one of his ex-coworkers over the night before for some mindless fucking around and killing time. She couldn’t have known everything just by looking, but he’d felt dirty in her eyes all the same. 

He folded Tony’s socks together. Tony would have something to say about that, if Loki told him. 

Things _were_ different from last year. If at least, a little. 

Tony was a pain in the ass sometimes, but as Loki set Tony’s socks down, he didn’t think that was unforgivable. They were both rough around the edges. 

The reminder of his mother soured his mood again as he folded a few more shirts. He didn’t have an answer on that one. 

He’d never talked with Thor about that before. Maybe he should call him later and see what his perspective was. Thor had texted him a photo of some infant sized jumper set that Jane’s mother had made and shipped. Thor was thrilled. It was nice to see him so happy. 

Really, things didn’t feel so awful at the moment. 

Loki rose from the couch, stacking their clothes together and taking them into the bedroom. 

As he began putting clothes away, his phone rang. 

“Hey, Lokes.” 

“Tony? I thought you were—” Loki glanced at the phone on his clock. “At dinner or something. Isn’t your award ceremony soon?” 

“They’re seating people, but it’s probably going to be another hour or so before anything happens. I thought I’d slip out and see how you were doing.” 

Loki jammed a couple of shirts into a plastic drawer in his closet. “Good,” he said. “I—” Now would be a really good time try and tell Tony what he’d been thinking about. He felt a little naive saying it, but spoke anyway. “Gave that business idea you mentioned some thought. I thought maybe I’d—” He took a breath and stood, grabbing a hanger. “Enter something in a couple of competitions. If I get some attention, I might be able to get a company interested in buying it to market.” Loki bit on his lip. Fuck. 

“Oh?” Tony asked, obviously interested. The hanger slipped in Loki’s hands. “What were you thinking of making?” 

“Artisan cheeses are popular right now, along with craft beers, but I thought I might try a few pastries instead.” 

“That’d be really good, Loki.” Tony sounded excited. Loki hung up the shirt he’d managed to get on the hanger, enjoying the way Tony’s voice sounded in his ear. “I think you'd be really good at that. What about the cream puff things? Or the brownies you made me?” 

They were more than just brownies, they were caramel loaded abominations tailored just for Tony’s unusual palette—Loki sat down on the bed. The mattress sank under him. “I might try something new.” It was just an idea. “I’ll let you try whatever I make.” 

“You mean, like your official taste tester, right?” 

Loki smirked. “Something like that.” 

“Loki, I’m your boyfriend. I get first dibs on official taste tester status.” 

Loki grinned down at the bed as he ran his free hand over his jeans. “What about you? What’s the event center like?” 

“Oh, you know,” Tony said. “Probably cost a fortune and smells like booze and desperation.” He cleared his throat. “But I haven’t seen some of these people in months. I might have a few leads on buyers for the arc reactor. They’re not cost effective,” Tony said dismally. “People consider them a publicity stunt for green energy.” 

“You love that thing,” Loki said. “Don’t give up on it.” 

“I know,” Tony said. “I won’t.” Loki could hear music playing in the background. “You’d just think that someone would get the point of it without me breaking it down into spoonfuls for them.” 

Loki picked at his jeans. “I know,” he said sympathetically. “But you’ll just have to bring it down to earth for them, Mr. Genius.” 

Tony brightened at that. “Hey,” he said. “Why don’t you call me that more often?” 

“I don’t like speaking in misnomers,” Loki teased. 

“Thank goodness I have you keeping my ego in check,” Tony answered. Faintly, Loki could hear someone telling Tony that he needed to take a seat. “You work tonight, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Text me when you get home, okay? And I might—if I drunk text you tonight, I’m sorry, okay? I can’t get out of going out for a few drinks, but—” Someone else was telling Tony to take his seat. “Text me when you get home, alright?” 

“I will, I’ll let you go,” Loki said. “And—turn off your phone if you’re going to drink, okay? Clint said you call clients like that.” 

“Did he?” Tony paused, like he’d never heard that before. “That little shit.” The background music got louder. Tony’s breath was slightly rushed, like he was walking too fast. “But yeah. Text me.” 

“I will. Bye, Tony.” 

“I love you,” Tony said quickly. “Bye.” 

“I love you,” Loki answered. It seemed as if Tony had been waiting for that. The line went dead right after it. Loki noticed the time on his screen. He needed to be getting to work. 

He came back late with the cheap wire wrack in one hand, and a bag of groceries in the other. He’d hung out with Amora after work to avoid the quiet. Before falling into bed, he sent Tony a text. He was asleep when the reply came through later—a sleepy eyed photo of Tony alone in the hotel bed and a text that the after parties had been exceptionally lame. 

 

Loki slept in late. He got up around noon with just a couple of hours to go before he had a shift. For a moment he considered cooking something for Tony, but they’d agreed to meet up tomorrow. Loki was working the morning shift the next day and getting off late tonight, and Tony’s flight came in late tonight and he had to be at work the next day. It was too much of a hassle to drive back and forth over briefly seeing each other. 

It had just been three days anyway. 

The coffeeshop was quiet in the afternoon. Loki went over to a back table to clean up a newspaper and mug that were left behind. The newspaper pages were splayed open about the table, and as Loki went to stack them together, he recognized Tony’s last name in a block of text. 

There was an article about the award. Tony was right, it did make his company look good. It also mentioned him, and a few of his recent achievements. 

Loki was always forgetting how prestigious Tony was outside of the two of them. 

Trying not to think too hard on that, Loki decided to fold up the page and slip it in his back pocket for Tony to see. 

The retail shift was absolute shit. It was as if every bizarre customer had decided to shop on the same night. He got stuck at the register dealing with them, then had to clean up after them in the departments later. At least Amora was in prime form. Her snarky commentary kept Loki in a fair mood in spite of things. When the manager asked him to stay late, he agreed. Tony had texted that he was on his plane home, and they’d get to see each other tomorrow. Loki could use the extra pay. 

The evening ended with the manager holding them an hour after close to tidy up the store for a visit from corporate. Loki was exhausted and pissy, and Tony had texted that his plane had landed. The only thing that got Loki through rearranging piles of clothes was the way that Amora kept mocking them. 

Finally, he could drive home. 

Loki dragged his feet up to his apartment, impatient to collapse in bed. Tomorrow he would drive out to Tony’s after work and hear about his trip. His fingers were freezing as he unlocked the door and pushed it open. 

Immediately, he noticed that something was wrong. 

The kitchen light was on. Loki never left shit on. His bedroom door was also shut. He didn’t see signs of anyone else in the apartment. Taking a tense breath, Loki debated leaving the apartment or seeing what the fuck was going on. At best, it was that his landlord had dropped by to fix something. At worst…well, he kept the fucking knives in the kitchen. Where the light was on.

Choosing the later, Loki took several silent steps towards the kitchen. He peered in. It was nothing but a wash of yellow light. Everything was in place. Loki clenched his jaw. Maybe he was overreacting, but he’d feel better if he grabbed one of his knives. 

Feeling a bit more secure, Loki walked to his bedroom door. He threw it open. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark room, then his heart took off. He saw a figure in the bed. “Loki?” 

“Tony?” He could’ve passed out with relief. 

“Is that a knife?” 

“You said you were staying at your place tonight! Jesus,” Loki swore. “I didn’t know who the fuck it was that came in.” It seemed so obvious now. Tony was clambering off the bed. 

“Didn’t you see my car?” 

He’d been too fucking exhausted to scan the parking lot when he got in. He hadn’t been paying attention. “I wasn’t looking for it,” Loki said. He started back towards the kitchen to put the utensil out of reach. 

“I guess I did park it towards the—wait! Where are you going?” 

“To put this away.” 

“Oh,” Tony said. “I guess that’s a good idea.” Loki didn’t know whether to roll his eyes or laugh. Tony was on his heels as he walked into the kitchen. “I was going to stay at my place, but I think I got switched up about your schedule because I thought you’d be back sooner. I decided that I just wanted to sleep here tonight. I missed the whole close call knife-y thing going on here. And hey, it’s really orderly. Did you clean while I was gone? Did you get a maid?” 

“Yes. You’re looking at him.” 

“That was a missed opportunity,” Tony said ruefully. “I’m sure I’ve got a maid costume somewhere back at my place.” 

Loki set the knife in its proper place. As soon as he turned back towards Tony, he found himself in Tony’s arms. “God you smell good,” Tony muttered. He pressed himself into Loki’s chest.

Loki wanted to sink into him. “That is a bold lie,” he answered. Fuck, Tony was better than he remembered. A part of him wanted to consume Tony whole. Tony took a step back towards the main room, taking Loki with him. 

“Mmm, no,” Tony said, nipping at Loki’s neck in a way that sent warm shivers down his spine. Then Tony’s lips were soft, and Loki felt heat flush across his cheeks. He slid his fingers up the back of Tony’s neck, then cradled his head and bent Tony back to devour his mouth. Heat flared across his lips as he swallowed a groan from Tony. 

“It’s good to be back,” Tony whispered when he was at last allowed up for a breath. He squeezed Loki’s hips. “Bedroom.” 

As they fell into his mattress, Loki lost himself. Tony flooded his senses completely. It was utterly satisfying in the best way, right down to when Tony curled into his chest at the end and pressed a sleepy kiss to Loki’s forehead. Loki felt himself drifting off already. He finally felt at rest after being tightly spun. 

Tony’s fingers snuck into his hair, absently playing against his scalp and barely keeping him awake. “Waking up is going to be a bitch tomorrow,” Tony yawned.

“Don’t remind me,” Loki whispered. 

“Let’s go out for dinner after I get back from therapy, okay?” Tony murmured to him. 

Loki’s heart strained in his chest. No. He’d been thinking about this, and he’d made up his mind. Ah, fuck, he was fully awake now. “I’ll go with you.” He felt Tony’s body flinch with surprise. Loki kept his eyes shut in mock sleepiness. “If you want.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Tony said back. “That’d be good.” Loki felt lips on his forehead again. “We can both go and then go to dinner afterward.” 

“Okay,” Loki whispered. Tony pulled the blankets up higher, then fell silent as he buried himself against Loki again. With the warm body heat wrapped around him, it was easy to fall asleep.


	39. Chapter 39

Loki nudged the fork in front of him, studying how the black lines on his fingers stretched and warped in the silver reflection. 

Tony faintly cleared his throat. “I hope the food comes soon.” 

“Yeah,” Loki agreed. He traced his pointer finger along the handle of the fork.

Tony shifted in his seat for the hundredth time. His hands disappeared under the table and then reappeared, flexing in and out of half fists. 

It was a shame that the restaurant wasn’t crowded. The noise would’ve been nice. Loki had let Tony pick a place, and the result had been something slightly upscale and trendy, without a busy late evening, apparently. 

Tony reached for his soda and sipped heavily, condensation dripping on the table. 

Loki picked at the napkin in his lap. He was trying, but not a single conversation topic was coming to mind. It was hard to do when his head felt clouded. 

But a glance in Tony’s direction made it all too clear that Tony was far less comfortable navigating awkward silences, and his usual humor seemed to be failing. Feeling sympathy, Loki decided to try for saying _something_. “You did a good job today.” 

Shit, no. Why had he said that? He should’ve tried for something entirely neutral. Not brought it up. 

Tony’s head lifted up. “I did?” 

Ah, fuck. Now he had to talk about it. “Yeah,” Loki said. “I didn’t—didn’t expect that to go so well.” He let go of a tight breath. 

“How’d you think it would go?” Tony asked. 

Loki pushed his lips to the side, brows furrowing. “A lot of yelling, I guess.” 

Tony was silent for a few seconds. “I don’t think I’ve ever yelled in a session,” he said quietly. “Ranted, yeah. Gone on a tirade. But I’ve never—yelled.” 

Loki shrugged, but it was really more that he was just trying to work the tension out of his shoulders. He’d been holding them too close to his ears. “I guess I just thought you’d have a lot more to say about me. I didn’t expect it to be—” He looked away from Tony, trying to focus his gaze on the art sculpture on the ceiling or the couple flirting near the bar area. “Nice,” he admitted reluctantly. 

“You thought I was going to yell at you about stuff?” Tony asked. 

The couple near the bar wasn’t that interesting. Maybe he should stare at the kitchen doors instead. “Yes.” 

He slowly let his attention drift back over to Tony, whose hands were near the middle of the table impatiently. Loki’s own were in his lap. Tony’s foot brushed against his suddenly. “Lokes, it’s not—therapy is not me sitting in a room yelling at you about all the things I don't like.” 

“I know that,” Loki said. “I just—thought that’s what would happen.” There was a distinctive edge in his voice, drawn from defensiveness. 

“And you still agreed to go?” Tony asked, exasperation leaking into his tone. 

Loki felt a faint blush crawl across his cheeks and hated it immensely. “I just fucking thought it would be good for us, alright?” He glared out over the dining room, clutching the cloth in his lap rather tightly. 

“No,” Tony said lightly, as if he’d just been laughing. “That’s—I appreciate that. That you wanted to go.” There was a warm encouragement in his voice, and Loki’s grip on the napkin slackened. “I mean, it could’ve turned into yelling, I guess,” Tony said seriously. “But that—Loki, I want to work on things for you and me. Not bitch about them.” 

Tony’s expression was earnest, even if he was still slightly tense. His foot had settled against Loki’s, and Loki hadn’t moved away. “I’m not saying we won’t argue about things, but I think we did pretty well today?” Tony smiled slightly, waiting for an answer. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. They had. There’d been some tense moments of disagreement here and there, but in all, it had been a remarkably open conversation. Nothing at all like the screaming match Loki had envisioned. “I didn’t—” He thought about it for a second, then decided to say it. “Realize that self-destruction was such a big—challenge for you.” He was going to say issue, but that seemed touchy. Loki frowned. He hadn’t expected to feel like a fucking idiot after the session either. How hadn’t he put the pieces together and seen it sooner? “Is that why you were being a dick this morning?” 

Tony scratched at his beard, eyes distant as if he was considering it. “Because,” Loki said. “You thought by being a dick I’d back out of therapy this evening, right?” 

Tony’s jaw dropped slightly. Then he smiled, slightly embarrassed. “I didn't mean it that way,” Tony said. “I was just stressed about getting up early and being back at work after the award but you’re right, that was probably it.” He grinned at Loki. “What are we paying the therapist for? We should just be going to you,” he teased. 

Before Loki could come up with a retort, the waitress came with their food. By the time they had their plates and were ready to start eating, the awkward silence started creeping back in. Tony took a huge bite of his food. 

Loki toyed with his pasta. Fuck, he was tired. 

Maybe he’d just eat this and then pass out when they got home. Fuck. Tony’s. They were staying at Tony’s. Did he leave enough of his shit there to dress for work tomorrow? He couldn’t remember. 

They ate in silence for a few minutes. 

Loki almost startled when Tony spoke. “Do you really feel resentment towards Steve?” He asked, making the loaded question sound casual and curious, not prying. 

The therapist had asked if that was the case. Loki could deny it now that they were out of the session. But—it would probably come up again anyway. “I don’t resent him,” Loki said carefully. “I just don’t—I know he’s important to you Tony, but I just don’t _like_ him.” 

“Why?” Tony asked, almost demanded. 

He definitely needed to be delicate. “There’s nothing wrong with Steve,” Loki said diplomatically. He had a talent for spinning things the right way, and he intended to use that. “I don’t think he’s a bad person.” He wasn’t. Steve tried to be helpful, Loki appreciated that. Tony seemed impatient, but was listening. “In fact, I think he’s a good friend to you.” Loki’s doubts surfaced. Didn’t Tony always say that he didn’t share enough? “But I think he was a dick for the way he made you feel, and I know he doesn’t realize the way it affected you, but I still don’t like him for it.” 

And he still didn’t like Steve for the conversation he’d overheard at Thor’s apartment, ages ago. There was that. 

“But you said you didn’t like finding him over there when we were—fighting,” Tony said uncertainly, using the last word to summarize. Loki felt his chest start to tighten. He’d come out of the session feeling wiped out, but cautiously hopeful. Now that was starting to reverse. 

Loki didn’t want to flat out say that finding Steve alone with Tony when they’d been in a fragile state brought thoughts of cheating to mind, but it did. Tony had mixed up feelings about Steve. He’d been in a volatile state. Loki could put those pieces together. 

Of course, Steve didn’t seem to reciprocate any interest, and Loki didn’t sincerely believe that Steve would. So it wasn’t a risk, really. Maybe. Loki hadn’t hurried to answer Tony soon enough, and now Tony prompted him again. “Did you think something was going on between us?” Tony asked. He must’ve seen the answer on Loki’s face, though Loki hadn’t tried to reveal anything. “There’s not,” Tony said firmly. “Steve was a one time thing, that’s it.” 

It was hard to miss the anger and the hurt beneath Tony’s strong tone. “Okay,” Loki said, not sure what else to say on the matter. Now he felt like he’d made things worse. “I just don’t like him,” Loki said. “But I don’t hate him. He’s fine. I don’t have a problem with him.” 

Tony was in the middle of chewing, or he might’ve argued right then. 

Loki hurried to speak. “I don’t feel like Steve is a huge issue in our relationship.” He took a long sip from his ice water. 

Leaning back, Tony seemed to have settled down a bit. “Yeah, uh,” he looked away. “To change topics, back to things we weren’t expecting, I know I said this in session, but you always surprise me with how much you care about shit. Like Steve. I don’t think anyone else would give a fuck.” 

“About something going on between—”

“About how he made me feel about the whole thing that happened.” 

“Why do you think that?” 

“Because,” Tony said dismissively, suddenly interested in the dining room himself. 

“Because why?” Loki pushed, annoyed by Tony’s clipped answer. 

“People just don’t, Loki.” Tony gave him a brief once over, like Loki was exceptionally naive. “They’d rather go on about their own shit for hours than listen to five minutes of your own. When they’re listening, they're just waiting for a chance to talk about themselves. People are just like that. That’s just how people are.” 

Loki crossed his arms over his chest, abandoning his empty dish. 

“Except you,” Tony said, tone indecipherable. He wasn’t looking at Loki either, and that was infuriating. Loki bit his cheek. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m enough for you.” 

“Are you bullshitting me?” Suddenly, Loki remembered the newspaper article he’d clipped. He dug into his back pocket, glad that he’d grabbed the same pair of pants in a tired moment that day. “Here.” 

Tony’s eyes darted across the newspaper article. When Loki realized that Tony was reading the damn thing, he realized that Tony wasn’t getting the point. “Look at all the shit you do. And I’m just me.” 

“Don’t say that,” Tony said. 

“Well?” Loki challenged him. 

“Why do you have this?” Tony asked. 

“I noticed it when I was clearing a table the other day and thought you’d like to see it,” Loki explained. 

Tony was quiet for a moment. “That’s really nice, Lo. I don’t think anyone’s clipped out a newspaper article about me since my mom.” Loki shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, not comparing you to my mom. Usually it’s just someone saying here’s the press on it, here’s what we want you to do next time, here’s what we think it will impact. Stock prices, blah blah blah.” 

Fuck. It had been sort of…stupid. Motherly. Tony had a professional fucking company, he didn’t need childish clip outs. 

“Can I keep this?” Tony asked. 

“Yeah.” 

Duh. It was Tony’s. Of course.

“Cool,” Tony said, tucking it in his pocket with a little smile. Loki combed his fingers through his hair. “I think we _should_ try talking about that whole languages of love thing they mentioned.” 

“You said in the car that it sounded gimmicky,” Loki pointed out.

“I know,” Tony said. He smiled uncomfortably. “I was poking fun at it, but I do think it’s a good idea. I mean, we’ve worked out that gifts aren’t the best for us, but I’ve never thought of quality time as actually meaning something before. Usually it’s just what people say they need when they want you to fuck off.” The waitress set the check booklet on the table, and Tony took it without breaking his sentence. “But it helps us, and it’s a good point, the whole being seriously dating someone is new for us.”

Loki had been thinking about getting the booklet away from Tony, but the last part snatched his attention away. “Seriously dating,” he said. 

“Well yeah,” Tony said. “I mean, you do have a key to my house, Loki. That’s—not something I do.” 

“That’s not what I meant,” Loki said. He didn’t know what he’d meant. He’d just been thinking aloud. Tony had stuck his card in the booklet and handed it to the waitress as she passed by again, away from Loki’s reach. Loki was left to scramble his words into a sentence. “I’m not disagreeing.” 

It didn’t seem to bother Tony. “You know, the other thing from today, I just, sometimes with that whole badass look you’ve got going on, I don’t know. Like when you said you loved me for the first time, I had no idea it was coming. You’re kind of a hard read, Loki.” 

“Would you prefer I be blond?” 

Tony laughed. “No. God, no. That would be awful.” He smiled at Loki. “Don’t change a thing.” 

“The roots would grow out too quickly anyway,” Loki said. He sighed, sitting back. The waitress returned with the check booklet and left. “It’s harder for me to say things, like you said. I guess that’s what happens when you have a fa—parents that are critical of how you act.” Tony had been easing him towards it, but today’s session was the first time that Loki had really accepted that idea. “I don’t mean to make you feel unwanted.” 

“You don’t,” Tony said, setting his pen and the booklet down. “I get that you love me, it’s just easy for me to miss how much. I mean, today, I was kind of blown away,” he said. 

“I mean,” Tony said. “You make me feel protected, but I thought that was just how I felt about it, you know?” He turned the metal band of his watch around on his wrist. “I didn’t expect you to stand up for me about things.” 

Tony glanced down at the table. A small, soft smile appeared on Loki’s lips. They were quiet for a few moments. There were questions that Loki had, and if they were already on the subject of them, he might as well indulge his curiosity. “What’s it like getting to know me, after knowing Thor for years?” 

Tony looked up in surprise, then settled back into his chair, thinking. “It’s—like does it feel weird? Or is it what I expected, or—?” 

“You’ve known Thor a long time, right? It must be strange to suddenly find yourself dating his brother. You must’ve thought about it.” 

“Oh,” Tony said. He toyed with his hair, messing up a bit of the styling gel. “It’s—” He took a deep breath. “I mean, it’s weird, I guess. I was more afraid of Thor chewing me out than anything, but he’s been pretty good about it.” Tony smiled self-consciously. “You talking to him more now has probably helped my case.” 

“What did you think it was going to be like?” Loki asked. 

“Honestly?” Tony asked. “I didn’t think about it that much.” He grimaced. “I mean, I just, it just sort of happened.” Loki nodded his head, not sharing Tony’s uncertainty over that sentiment. “It didn’t bother you to start dating your brother’s friend?” 

“No,” Loki said. He thought about that for a moment. “You’re not like most of his friends.” Loki ran his fingers through his hair. “They’re all a lot older than me, except for you.” The restaurant was starting to get busier and louder, with more people in the bar area. “But with my family, you always allude to knowing them. Didn’t you think about that with me?” 

“Loki,” Tony said. “I told you I’m not dating your family—I mean,” Tony let out a frustrated sigh. “I guess maybe I thought about it a little. I don’t know. When I saw you at the theater the second time I thought that maybe I should’ve thought about it more before sleeping with you, because I didn’t want Thor pissed off, and I didn’t really know you yet.” 

“But,” Loki prompted. 

“I really liked you?” Tony answered for him, like it was painfully obvious. “We started seeing each other and I didn’t want it to stop?” 

Loki smiled, letting Tony off the hook a bit. The waitress passed by their table for a second time, wearily looking out the corner of her eye. “I know that your friends are a big deal to you. So I wondered how this is.” 

“Thor hasn’t given me a swirlie, so I’ve done okay,” Tony said with an awkward laugh. 

Loki gave him a slow, watchful smile. “Let’s go home,” he said. Tony hesitated, and Loki sensed that he was about to complain that he was comfortable. “Come on. The waitress wants to flip the table, we need to go.” 

“She’s mad?” 

Loki rolled his eyes, not quite laughing. “No. She needs us to go so that she can serve someone else.” 

“Oh,” Tony said, casting a dubious glance over the restaurant. “But it’s not packed. There are other tables.” 

“In other servers’ sections,” Loki said. He stood up. “When the table turns over she can work for another tip. We can’t park here all evening.” Tony started to get up, though it seemed that he was still thinking of a counterargument to stay. “We can talk more in the car. I want to go back,” he said. That seemed to appease Tony. 

He slipped his arm in around Loki’s waist as they walked out to the car. It felt like it had been a while since Tony had done that, although Loki was certain that he had. When they got into Tony’s car, Loki was thinking about getting ready for work the next day. 

“You didn’t mind going?” Tony asked as he started the car. 

“The food was good,” Loki said, checking his phone. 

“No,” Tony said. “Therapy. You didn’t—mind going?” 

Loki let his head sink into the headrest. “No,” he said. “It was fine.” 

“So you’d be okay going again?” Tony asked, keeping his eyes on the road. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. Tony relaxed, sitting back from the wheel a bit. 

“Awesome,” Tony said. He drummed his thumbs against the steering wheel and then reached for the music. Loki comfortably closed his eyes as old rock poured through the speakers.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love your analyses and feelings about these two as always, and very curious to hear your thoughts! :) One session isn't an instant fix of course, and it won't be treated like one. Other plot lines to follow too.


	40. Chapter 40

Tony laughed. The vibration shook down Tony’s chest and torso, jumping up Loki’s hips where he had pinned Tony down. Loki’s thumbs circled Tony’s shoulders. “I’m serious.” 

“I know you are,” Tony said, openly grinning. There was a smirk dancing on Loki’s lips, but he leaned down closer, the ends of his hair encircling Tony’s head on his pillow. 

“You owe me,” Loki muttered, his voice low and vaguely threatening as he locked his eyes with Tony’s. 

“For leaving your thermostat on high all day, I know, I know.” Tony grinned, setting his hands on Loki’s hips. “Just, are you sure that’s what you want?” 

Loki nodded his head, sleek black locks brushing along Tony’s face and making his careless grin contort with held back laughter as he shifted his head to the side. “Okay,” Tony said. “I’ll tweak the lighting in your apartment’s kitchen, but you’re passing up on a serious opportunity to ask a sexual favor. It seems like a waste to me.” 

Loki sat up, but he didn’t release his weight from his hands on Tony’s shoulders. “I have yet to find one that you would consider denying.” Tony rolled his eyes in acknowledgment, admitting a silent sort of defeat. “Besides, it’s a pain in the ass when I have to work in there all the time and the overhead light’s so god damn dim.” 

Tony’s fingers stroked up and down his waist. “So just cook over here, then.” 

Loki let out a little huff. “That’s also a pain in the ass.” 

“You do it all the time,” Tony said. 

“The only thing that’s been used in your kitchen is the blender,” Loki said. “I have to dust everything else off.” 

“You’re just touchy about your stuff,” Tony said. Loki looked away. “Come on, admit it.” 

Tony’s cellphone went off, sparing Loki from answering. He moved to let Tony sit up and decided to get off the bed. Tony’s friends would be arriving in an hour for a causal party. It sounded like either Sam or Bruce on the phone, Loki wasn’t sure. 

He stretched, then caught Tony’s eye and nodded before going downstairs. 

They’d been to a second therapy session. Things seemed to be changing slightly for the better. He’d never have corrected Tony about the thermostat with playful ease before. And maybe he and Tony had been merciless in poking fun at the love languages thing, but it had worked. Loki was amazed at how visible the shift in Tony was from extra little touches here and there or just five minutes of a back rub. He soaked up affection like cornstarch and oil. 

“Sam’s going to be late,” Tony called down the stairs. Loki heard his feet pound against the steps as he hurried down. “Do you think we need more drinks?” He asked, following Loki into the kitchen. 

“No,” Loki answered. 

“Are you excited about your trick?” Tony asked, leaning confidently against the counter. 

“It’s not a trick, it’s a sort of blind taste test,” Loki said. 

“I’m sure they’ll love it,” Tony said, patting him on the shoulder as he walked over towards the fridge. 

“Don’t prompt them,” Loki said. “If they like it, they’ll say so.” And if they didn’t, he’d scrap this recipe and enter something else in the contest. It was a last minute kind of thing anyway. He wasn’t attached to winning, but he wanted to try. 

“They will,” Tony assured him. 

They talked as they got things ready. One by one, Tony’s friends arrived. Thor had said he would come, and Loki was eager for a chance to talk to him. He’d been too busy to talk on the phone lately. 

Thor was running late, and sometime between watching Tony play beer pong and talking to Bruce, Loki found himself in the kitchen with Clint. 

Clint was past tipsy. He contentedly drank a beer as he watched Loki try to find the cheese chips he’d requested. Loki dug through the cabinets, knowing that he’d seen Tony buy them. 

“I’m so fuckin’ jealous,” Clint said abruptly. 

“Of what?” Loki asked, his voice muffled by the cabinet. 

He heard something move above him just as he spotted the chip bag. He grasped it between his fingers and stood up. Clint was playing with the beer bottle, rolling it back and forth between his hands. He stared at Loki a few seconds before speaking. “Tony.” 

“Technology pays well,” Loki said lightly, pushing the open chip bag towards Clint. 

“No,” Clint said. “Not that.” He grabbed a handful of chips and shoved them in his mouth. Loki wavered, debating whether he wanted to stay and hear this out, or disappear back into the living room before he had to listen to incoherent, drunk philosophizing. “I dated Nat for years,” Clint said, his mouth half-full. 

Loki combed his fingers back through his hair, taking a long breath in. 

“I was just like, totally normal, you know? I was a good guy. It was good.” 

“Okay.” Loki tugged at his shirt collar, wondering if he looked displeased. 

“And it didn’t work out,” Clint said. The emotion slipping into his tone did not sound steady. 

“Let’s go back out and see everyone, shall we?” Loki grabbed the chip bag, intending to use it to lead Clint out of the kitchen. 

“He was going to offer you a—”

“Loki,” Thor said from the doorway, speaking over whatever mumbled word had fallen from Clint’s mouth. Loki looked from him to Clint. “I was looking for you. Can we talk?” Thor asked, oblivious to his dilemma. 

“Job?” Loki asked Clint, prompting him. 

Clint’s eyes fell on the chip bag. “I’m starving,” Clint said. He grabbed the bag from Loki’s hand and shoved a handful in his mouth. 

“What was Tony going to offer me?” Loki asked. Clint’s expression changed for a split second, but by the agonizing end of his chewing through the chips in his mouth, his only answer was a shrug. 

“Loki,” Thor said impatiently. 

Loki left Clint to eat his chips. “Let’s go this way,” Loki said, leading Thor up a set of stairs to the guest bedroom with the outdoor balcony. 

They sat down at a table in front of the broad span of windows. 

Thor’s shoulders hunched forward. His blond hair was pulled back into a sloppy ponytail, and the suit jacket he was wearing had a small spill that looked like water along the lapel. 

“You wanted to speak about something?” Thor asked. 

Loki crossed one ankle over his knee, draping his arm over the back of the chair. He paused before speaking. “Have you ever thought that Mum is manipulative?” 

Thor scratched the side of his head. “Yes. I suppose,” Thor said. The answer was shallow, as if he was confirming the day of the week. Loki immediately knew that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with this conversation. Not when Thor was obviously distracted by something. The timing wasn’t right.

“What’s wrong?” Loki asked, sounding a bit impatient. 

Thor sighed like the whole world was falling in on itself. “Nothing serious,” he said. “Jane is getting close to her due date. We’ve been busy preparing everything. I’ve made sure my case load is light for the next few weeks.” 

That didn’t seem to be enough to explain away the haggard expression on his face or the obvious exhaustion. “Jane’s had everything prepared for months,” Loki pointed out. 

“True,” Thor said, running his hand down his face and over his chin. Only then did Loki recognize the uneven cut to his beard, and the stubble he’d missed beneath his chin. 

“But,” Loki suggested. 

Thor sighed. Then, he looked up and gave Loki a grateful smile. “I am concerned,” he admitted. “The closer that day gets, the more excited and anxious I feel.” 

“I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Loki said. After a moment, he reached across the table and patted Thor on the shoulder. “You don’t even have to push out the baby.” 

Thor laughed. “I know,” he said. “I know.” He let out a deeper sigh then, slightly lost in thought. 

“I am sure that you and Jane will do a wonderful job raising that kid.” 

Thor glanced up at him. He paused before saying, “I know.” But he looked lighter. Like it was what he had needed to hear. 

“I mean, you did an okay job with me,” Loki said. “And we don’t even have the same genetics.” He stretched, popping a spot in his back. “I doubt that this kid will try and tie all of your shoes together and rubber band the sink side sprayer.” 

“I think there is very little this child will be able to get past me after having you as a brother,” Thor answered sagely, his expression warmer. Loki stood from his chair. 

“Let’s go back downstairs,” he said. “I think you need a drink and some of Clint’s fine singing.”

“That is the last thing my ears need tonight,” Thor said congenially. 

The moment they came downstairs, Tony spotted them from across the room. He hurried towards Loki with a wide grin on his face. “Can I tell them? Can I tell them _please_?” He asked, wrapping an arm around Loki’s waist and leaning in with awkward coordination. Loki picked up the alcohol on Tony’s breath as he moved to support Tony with an arm on his back.

“Tell them what?” 

“Clint,” Tony called. The blonde sat up from where he’d been lying on the couch. “Are there any of those pastries left?” 

“I already told you I ate them!” Clint’s face was flushed red. 

“He loves them,” Tony said in confidence. His grin was absolutely proud as he beamed up at Loki. “They think they’re really good. They were fighting over them.” Tony’s warm weight against his side was pleasant. “Please can we tell them?” 

With a slow, indulgent grin, Loki nodded his head. 

“Loki made them!” Tony called over. He pulled Loki along with him back towards the group. 

The onslaught of praise was nothing compared to the look of pride on Tony’s face as he stared adoringly at Loki. 

“He let me test them,” Tony said. “He made like fifty things. They’re so good. He’s so good.” Tony wrapped the other arm around Loki, hugging Loki as he bragged. Loki tried to navigate them over to a couch to sit down as Sam started asking questions about the recipe. 

“Those are secrets,” Tony told Sam. “I’m going to make sure they’re patented.” 

Loki laughed lightly, casting Sam a sympathetic look. They had managed to sit down. “I can show you how to make them,” Loki told Sam. 

“That’d be really nice—” Sam started. 

“Loki, you can’t give them away,” Tony said. “They’re going to win for you.” 

“I’m sure Sam can—”

“Win what?” Sam asked in the same moment. 

“A culinary contest next weekend,” Tony said. “Loki is totally going to sweep it—”

“Okay,” Loki cut him off, maneuvering Tony to sit a bit more comfortably. 

“But you are,” Tony insisted. “Clint!” The blonde raised an eyebrow from his comfortable position on the couch. “Tell him how good they were.” 

“Fucking awesome, man.” Clint grinned. “Would’ve been better if there were more.” 

“You ate like twelve,” Sam said bitterly. “Everyone else barely got a chance.” 

“I’m drinking,” Clint said. “It’s good for me. Absorbs the alcohol or something.” Sam rolled his eyes. 

Tony’s weight rested uncomfortably on Loki’s hip for a moment as he twisted on the couch to face Loki. “You’re really going to be good at it, Lokes.” Loki smiled slightly. He pulled Tony in close to him with an arm around his waist. 

“Tony’s never let me play that!” Clint exclaimed, distracting them. There was a blue electric guitar in Sam’s hands. 

“Sam’s not going to try and break it over the table like he’s just finished a solo,” Tony said. 

Clint sat up, crawling towards Tony on the couch. “That was once! You stopped me, I didn’t even get to do it!” 

A beautiful melody cut through the air. Tony smirked. “And Sam can actually play.” 

“Whatever,” Clint declared loudly. He sulked for a moment before turning back around. “Don’t you have a drum set around here somewhere?” 

“Nope.” 

Loki’s attention drifted away from their friendly bickering to across the room. He inadvertently caught Thor’s eye. His brother smiled back at him, nodding a beer in his direction and then returning to his conversation with Steve. 

Loki settled in, brushing his fingers along Tony’s soft shirt where he held him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny chapter this week, before more plot-y things. :)


	41. Chapter 41

Loki stumbled into the kitchen, wearing just his work shirt and boxers. He slammed things open and shut, wearily searching for a hair tie. He found one in a drawer and tied his hair back as he hurried into the bedroom. “Are you going to wear that look to work?” Tony asked from the bed. He was already neatly dressed of course, minus the socks he was putting on. “Because I might get jealous.” 

“I can’t find my fucking jeans,” Loki snapped, throwing the closet door open. 

He knew that Tony had been playing with him. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. Fuck. And yet he was still pissed. He grabbed an old pair of jeans he'd forgotten about that didn’t fit him well out of the back. Tony said nothing as he tried yanking them on. Loki was digging through a drawer for socks when Tony gently asked, “Are you going to be okay today?” 

“If I can find—” Loki grasped at the socks and put them on as quickly as his hands could move. He was going to be fucking late. It had just been too hard to wake up this morning. When he stood up and saw Tony avoiding his gaze, he felt guilty. “I’m just tired,” he said quickly. “I’ve worked sixty hours this week and it’s Friday. I just have to get through today.” 

It was the best apology that he could offer. 

“It’s Friday,” Tony said appeasingly, staring at his phone. Loki rushed back into the kitchen. 

No, it wasn’t that, actually. Yes, he was fucking tired. He was exhausted, but he was always exhausted. As Loki searched for his keys, he knew what it was. 

While he’d been in the shower, he’d been thinking about what Clint had said. 

And he hadn’t had time to ask Tony about it. Loki's schedule had been so full since that night that he’d scarcely been back in his apartment. Tony hadn’t even stayed over this week, knowing that they’d hardly have time to see each other. He was only over this morning because he’d wanted to be. They’d barely had time to talk the night before, and Loki hadn’t wanted to spend it asking. Tony had come over because he’d wanted to see Loki and talk to him about work, and Tony had needed him. 

But the whole Clint thing was bothering him. Shit. And that meant— 

He took slow, lead like steps back towards the bedroom. “Tony?” He asked, trying to keep the morning’s aggravation from his tone. 

Tony looked up defensively from where he was putting on his shoes, unwilling apprehension written clearly on his face. 

Now didn’t feel like the time to ask either, but Loki knew he’d be thinking about it all day anyway. And the contest was tomorrow. Fuck. “At the party,” shit. His chest felt like lead too now. “I talked to—” Bringing this up was going to fuck up the whole weekend. Maybe he should just let it go. “Clint,” he said begrudgingly, regretting this decision. “And he said that you were going to offer me something, but he didn’t say what it was.” Loki twisted his lips unhappily to the side, gripping the doorframe tightly with his fingers. “Was it a job?” 

A faint blush sunk into Tony’s cheeks. It was barely noticeable in the dim bedroom, but it was there. Tony fiddled with his tie, staring down at the floor. Loki chided himself for not picking a better time. He needed to get to work, and at the same time, he needed to know. “I’m not mad,” Loki said. “I just—wanted to know,” he admitted. 

“I thought about it,” Tony confessed. He set his hands down on the bed, curling the sheets into his fingers. “But I know how you feel about it now.” 

“What job was it going to be?” Loki asked out of curiosity, straining to be soft and kind so that Tony would be calm. 

“Actually, it was—” Tony looked up at him apologetically. “Could we talk about this again later? I just—we have to be going to work and…” Tony let his words wander off. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. “No, that’s a good idea. I’m going to be late.” He paused, then walked over to the bed quickly. “Thanks,” he said awkwardly. He bent down and pressed a swift kiss to Tony’s forehead. It didn’t quite ease the mingle of guilt and frustration he felt, but at least it was something. “I’ll see you tonight.” 

Tony looked a little stunned, but he smiled at the thought of tonight. “Okay,” he agreed, moving to get off the bed. 

Loki hurried out the door to work, Tony not far behind him. 

 

They didn’t talk about it that night. Probably because Loki didn’t come home until ten and Tony had spent the evening wine and dining some clients. 

The next morning was an absolute whirlwind right up until the moment that Loki found himself about to step up to his cooking station. “Loki,” Tony said heavily behind him. Loki glanced back over his shoulder. “Good luck.” Tony gave him that same bold, roughish smile to reassure him that he always did, but there was something so vulnerable and tender beneath his brassy expression that Loki’s stomach flipped. 

“It’s the first time,” Loki reminded him. “Don’t expect too much out of it.” He gave Tony his own reassuring smile, praying that Tony took his words to heart. Tony’s expectations were too high. He’d be crushed by a loss, and disappointing him would feel worse than losing.

“I know you can do it,” Tony said, stepping back. Loki knew he hadn’t listened to a word he’d said. He just smiled back at Tony and stepped into the station. 

Loki pulled a large stainless steel container of flour towards him. He’d try his best. 

He set to work, taking care to follow his recipe exactly as he’d entered it. 

He glanced up just once to check on Tony. 

Tony’s eyes were set on him as Bruce spoke into his ear from the stands. He had that expression that he wore when he was in the lab, mind spinning in a thousand directions with possibilities and solutions at the end of each one. Steve sat on his other side, effectively blocking him off from the attentions of random passerby that recognized the famous Tony Stark walking among them. 

Something in that piercing stare stirred something in Loki’s gut. He focused back down on the dough in front of him, eager to lose himself in the rhythm of work. The dough succumbed to his fingers as it soaked away thoughts of Tony. 

When his entry was completely done, he returned to the stands. “How do you think you did?” Bruce asked, scooting aside to make room for him. 

“Alright,” Loki said. 

“You did great,” Tony said. 

Tony had no idea about the first thing to do in cooking. Loki bit back on saying that, and the irritation that rose. Tony was just trying to be supportive. Loki would just have to deal with Tony’s disappointment when it came. “Thanks.” 

Bruce and Steve didn’t stay for much longer. There would be a few more hours until the judges made their decisions, and there were still a few dozen competitors at work. Tony and Loki left for dinner and came back just before the winning announcement. 

 

Tony’s arm snuck in around him as they went out to the parking lot. Loki grit his teeth at the cloying touch. He tugged the collar of his leather jacket up towards his neck. The moment Tony’s car unlocked, he pulled away. 

Tony was wearing a smile as he sat down in the driver seat. The cheerful act was completely unnecessary. 

Loki dug his hands into his pockets, running his tongue over his teeth. 

“You wanna stop at a bar or something on the way home?” 

“I don’t need to drink this one off,” Loki said. The words snapped out harsher than he’d intended them to. Tony reacted immediately, of course, the smile flinching off of his face and getting replaced by a grim, worried line. 

“Okay,” Tony said. They fell silent. 

Loki felt like an ass, but that wasn’t enough to get him past his agitation and apologize. 

Tony hadn’t crumbled when Loki didn’t place. He hadn’t even lost his enthusiasm. He just gave Loki a glossy, “I still think you did wonderful, Lokes.” And Loki honestly thought that he had, because the judges had scored him fairly well and been complimentary. It was just that his performance had been rough around the edges and not near the level of other people that had been doing competitions longer. 

But Loki just knew that Tony was disappointed, and it was pissing him off. 

He leaned towards the window and stared out at the dark streets they passed. 

“Do you want to know what I was going to offer you?” Tony asked quietly. A street light illuminated his face for a moment in the dark car. Loki’s eyes dropped to Tony’s jacket. The hum of the car filled the silence as he wrestled with his answer. They were having this conversation now? 

Loki dropped his elbow from the center console. He brought his hands together, rubbing his thumb against his palm. “I thought it was a job,” he said, voice just as low and quiet as Tony’s had been. 

“Sort of,” Tony said. He turned off onto a side street then. 

“Where are we going?” 

“My office.” 

Loki drew in a tight breath. He knew that they weren’t that far from Stark Industries, but he had never been inside before. “Why do we need to go there?” 

“There’s something I want to show you,” Tony said. 

Loki wasn’t sure what to think of that. He pressed his lips together and massaged his palm with his thumb. A tense, weighted silence enveloped over them. Loki’s mind zipped back and forth with possibilities, growing more and more apprehensive about what Tony would show him. 

Tony’s building was brightly lit, but the parking lot was empty. Loki couldn’t help but notice how large and intimidating the building was. There had to be hundreds of offices inside, and probably multiple testing facilities. He knew logically that Tony’s business was a big deal, but in person it hit home on an emotional level. 

They went around the back and pulled into a private garage. 

The car doors slamming shut echoed in the small garage. Their footsteps sounded loudly against the concrete. Tony walked up to a door with a routine, practiced manner to his motions. He pressed a keycard to the door and held it open for Loki. Then he punched something into the panel and stepped inside behind Loki. 

The building lights came on, illuminating a long and quiet hallway. Loki wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but the generic corporate hallway wasn’t it. They took a few short steps to an elevator and rode it up several stories. This hallway lit upon their entry as well. The decor was much more lavish, but just as generic. 

They passed several boring photographs of scenery before stopping at a set of double doors. 

Tony took out a separate keycard. 

The office that Loki followed Tony into was five times larger than Thor’s, easily. It was littered with oversized modern furniture, industrial photographs, and bizarre kinetic sculptures that seemed absurd and out of place. The only way that he knew the office belonged to Tony at all was by the messy pile of papers and a cheeseburger wrapper on Tony’s desk. 

Loki stood there awkwardly in the fluorescent lighting, not sure whether to stare out the dark windows or gawk at Tony’s office decor longer. Tony walked behind the desk to a file sorter. He skipped past several manilla folders and selected one placed prominently at the back. 

Tony held it to his chest for a split second before turning back around. 

Loki didn’t know whether he was supposed to take one of the leather chairs or come back around behind the large oak desk beside Tony. He decided to stand there instead. Tony held the folder out to him. 

His name was scrawled across the tab. Loki’s strangled heart skipped a beat. The folder felt heavy in his hands. “I wasn’t going to offer you a job,” Tony said. 

“What is this?” Loki asked. His fingers wouldn’t follow his command to open it. 

A long sigh fell from Tony’s mouth. “What I’ve been fucking around with the last few months.” He said, sounding disappointed in himself. 

Loki flipped the folder open. 

There were several documents paper clipped together, all consisting of small, dense text. It was far too much to read at a glance. He saw one line had a highlighter mark on it, where someone had pointed out the place for a signature. “What is this?” Loki asked again, voice not nearly so kind. 

Tony crumpled up the hamburger wrapper on his desk and tossed it into a trashcan. “It’s an investment contract.” 

“For what?” 

Tony lowered himself down into his desk chair. He set his arms along the sides as if steadying himself. Then he scratched at his chin and pouted his lips in a frown. “I know sometimes you think that I’m blowing smoke up your ass or just saying it because I’m your boyfriend, but you really are a good cook.” 

Loki took an unsteady seat into one of the leather chairs across from Tony, his eyes locked on the text. It was all garbled legalese, but he understood it well enough. It was easier to read than to hear what Tony was saying. “I want to invest in something of yours,” Tony said. “A line of salad dressings for grocery chains or pastries or pastas, I don’t care what it is. I want in.” 

Loki’s neck was stiff as he looked up. “I’m serious, Loki.” Tony scratched his thumb against his cheekbone, glancing at him and then across the room. “I know you’re disappointed that you lost the competition, but it was just a start.” 

“I’m not disappointed,” Loki said, sitting up straight and setting the folder in his lap. “I thought you were—that’s why I was—” Loki cut himself off. He didn’t want to tell Tony he’d been pissed and start something. “I thought that you were disappointed. Yeah, it was a start,” Loki agreed. “I think it went well for a first time.” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, smiling to one side in acknowledgement more than anything else. “I mean honestly, I’m kind of relieved that you lost,” Tony confessed. He pushed some of his papers to the side of the desk, clearing a small space. “I didn’t want to deal with the competition.” 

Loki stared down at his name written in Tony’s handwriting on the folder tab, taking that in. 

“But then you were so excited about this contest,” Tony continued, “and I haven’t seen you do that. I mean, I didn’t want to ruin you working towards it by throwing this into the mix and making it about this. But it—I would’ve kicked myself if you’d won and I didn’t get to offer you, I mean trying to outbid for my own boyfriend’s company—” Tony’s words were beginning to jumble together anxiously. Loki knew he needed to speak up. 

“You’ve been working on this for months?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” Tony said quietly. “I was going to give it to you back when—before, when you had to pick me up from Bruce’s that one night,” he said sheepishly. 

Suddenly, things started to make sense to Loki. “Is that why you came and watched me at work? Were you going to show it to me then?” 

“I—I’d already thought of it, I just—I knew, I wanted to make sure that I wanted—I guess I wanted to make sure that I was offering you the right thing.” Loki set the folder down on the desk in front of him. He pulled the chair in a bit closer towards the desk. “But,” Tony said. “Drawing it up, I’d thought of it, but when I started to get serious about it, I—it brought things up in me. Hence the therapy refresher.” 

Loki nodded his head. 

“It’s not something you have to do,” Tony said. “I just thought of it back when and I wasn’t sure I was even going to bring it back up again, but I really do think that it’s something you’d be good at, and when you said you wanted to do that contest and I knew I was sitting on this thing—if someone had offered you a job or an investment today—”

“Thanks,” Loki said warmly, sparing him from his ramble. He let that settle over Tony for a moment. “But I—I’m not sure I can accept this. I don’t want you to do something that makes you uncomfortable.” Loki swallowed around the lump in his throat. He did want this. He really did. It was so utterly genius of Tony, and it felt right. “But I don’t need a job from you. You know that.” 

“I know,” Tony said. “But it’s not a job. It’s an investment. You’ll make the recipes and oversee everything. I won’t be your boss. Trust me, I can’t manage both of our companies. One is more than enough for me. You’ll be in charge of yours. Of course I’ll get staff for you to help with the business side of it, but I’m doing that as an investor. And twenty percent of the company would be mine, so if something happens to us, the business is still yours and would be treated like business. I’d sell off my part. It’d be a clean break.” 

“Oh, Tony.” Loki said. “I can’t just give you twenty percent. You’re investing way more than that.” 

“No, it’s not too little. It’s fair,” Tony said. 

“At least half,” Loki said. “You have to take at least half.” Tony shook his head. 

“I already worked it out,” Tony said. “Twenty is what I decided.” 

“No,” Loki said. 

“Loki, it really would be your business,” Tony said. “It’d be your own job. The only difference is that I have a stake in it, but I have a stake in anything you do anyway because we’re together. I’d like it to be with me.” 

Loki frowned, his eyebrows arching up sympathetically towards Tony. “But doesn’t this make you feel like you’re doing the same thing as giving me a job?” 

“No,” Tony said. “It really doesn’t.” 

Loki’s counterargument came quickly. “But then why’d you freak out before when you were just _thinking_ of offering it to me—”

“Because I wanted to do it, I realized how much I loved you,” Tony stopped him. “And it scared the shit out of me.” 

“Oh.” The word just sort of fell from his mouth. Loki set a hand to his lips. 

“And that was before we started living together, more or less.” 

Loki moved to run his fingers through his hair and found that the ponytail was stopping him. He yanked it out. “I guess that makes more sense now.” He slipped the elastic band over his wrist. “Was all of the other stuff you said to explain it then true, or…”

“It was true,” Tony said. “I just left this out because—” He took a deep breath that shuddered in his chest. “I hadn’t decided what to do about it yet. So why bring it up, you know?” 

Loki set his hand on the folder. “Can I keep this?” 

“Yeah.” 

Loki set it in his lap. He drummed his fingers along the manilla folder, thinking. On one hand, it made his heart soar. On the other, he needed to think it through. It wasn’t a decision to be made lightly, and he didn’t know if he trusted Tony to be as fine with it as he said that he was. “I may need some time to decide.” 

“Yeah, yeah, totally.” Tony scratched the back of his head. “You don’t have to decide tonight. It’s just—think about it, okay? If you’re really serious about starting a culinary line, I want in.” 

Loki smiled. It was too sincere to pull it back. “Okay.” He tried to tamper the reaction down all the same. “Thanks.” 

“I—” Tony tried to say something, and then drew back from it. If there hadn’t been a massive desk between them, Loki would’ve placed a hand on him to soothe it out. Instead, Tony got up from his chair. “Wanna go home?” 

He took a few steps past the desk and Loki’s chair. Loki turned to look over his shoulder, still seated with the folder in his lap. “You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?” Loki asked. Tony shrugged his shoulders and raised his eyebrows, like it was obvious that he was. “Where do you think we’re going?” 

Tony’s hands disappeared into his pockets. “What do you mean?” 

“Where do you pictures us, later on from now?” 

Tony blinked, then dropped his gaze to the floor. He pressed his lips together. “I just picture you there,” Tony said. “I don’t have some master plan. You’re just there. You know?” He shrugged, looking up at Loki. His posture was constricted, and a bit hard to read. 

“Me too.” Loki bit his lip for a second. His neck ached from the way he’d twisted it with the rest of his aching body. “I mean, my life is sort of a disaster. But I want you with me, if you want to be.” 

Tony grinned. “I could say the exact same thing to you,” he said lightly. 

Loki stood from the chair. His eyes fell on Tony’s desk. What would it look like five years from now? Would he know? He took a deep breath before he turned around. Tony was standing in the middle of the room, waiting for him. 

“I can’t think about it that hard, you know?” Tony blurted out. 

“What?” Loki asked, walking into Tony’s personal space and staring down at him. 

Tony’s face flinched slightly. “The future,” he said quickly. “It—I think—I don’t want to fuck it up—” Shit. Loki knew that look. 

“Tony,” he said firmly, forgetting everything else that he’d just been worrying about. “I’m here. It’s okay.” 

Tony’s eyes flinched shut for a moment. He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth. “I know,” he said. The word was tight and strained. 

“Do you want to sit down?” Tony shook his head. “Can I touch you?” 

“Yes.” 

Loki tentatively set his hand on Tony’s waist. When that seemed alright, he pulled Tony into him. As Tony’s chest pressed into his, he felt Tony’s heart thundering. Tony’s hands freed themselves from his pants pockets and grabbed Loki’s shirt. “Is this alright?” Loki asked quietly. 

“Tighter,” Tony said. 

Loki had to think for a moment about what that meant. He applied pressure to the hug and felt Tony’s sigh drift past his arm. Loki settled his chin over Tony’s head, being careful not to drop the folder that was also pressed to Tony’s back and send papers flying everywhere. Tony’s heart was beating so fast. Loki had felt it that way before, but it still terrified him. He took a slow breath in through his nose. “Do you want to take your meds?” 

“No,” Tony said, breathing out a huge breath. “It’ll pass,” he said, shaking his head. His eyes fell shut. “Just keep holding me,” he breathed. 

“Okay. I will,” Loki assured him. His gaze dropped to the office around him. It had all been so important five minutes before, and now that all seemed pointless. He just wanted Tony to be level again. 

“I’m sorry,” Tony said. “I didn’t mean to be like this after I told you, it’s fucking embarra—” 

“A lot happened today,” Loki cut him off. “We both have a lot to process. It’s alright.” 

“No, doing this to you—”

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Loki said. He closed his eyes as he spoke, his voice gentle against Tony’s hair. “It’s fair to be anxious over thinking about what will happen.” 

“But Lokes,” Tony said. A cold sweat brushed onto Loki’s skin where Tony’s hands were fisted into his shirt. Tony made an odd sound at the back of his throat before the words rushed out. “I’m supposed to be a big fucking deal businessman, and I’m falling apart in my office like an idiot, I didn't want giving it to you to be like this, I was going to make a romantic gesture out of it or some shit, that’s what people are supposed to do right—”

Loki shifted his weight a little, reorienting Tony as he pulled him in tight again. He pulled his head back enough to see Tony’s face, then sort of wished that he hadn’t. Tony was wide eyed and miserable. “It’s going to be alright,” Loki said. “We can figure this out later. What would make you feel better now? Do you need to take your meds?” 

“I forgot to bring them,” Tony said. His heart started pounding faster again. 

Shit. Loki wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do then. He needed to figure it out fast for Tony. “I’ll come down,” Tony said, interrupting his thoughts. “Just, this helps.” Loki took a deep breath. He set his head over Tony’s again. His arms were aching from their prolonged use, but he ignored them. “I just didn’t want it to be like this—”

“That’s okay,” Loki reassured him. 

“Just let me talk it out,” Tony snapped. Loki bristled at the anxious irritation, but swallowed. Tony did know how to work himself down. He hadn’t always had Loki, and Loki had needed to remind himself of that. 

“Okay,” he said. 

“I just—I don’t know what you’re thinking, and this is a big deal for me, I don’t do this for people, and I don’t know what’s going to happen with it and Bruce said I should just give it a try but instead I went and pissed you off, and then I did it again.” Tony pulled in a breath. He shifted in Loki’s arms, burying himself as tightly as he could against Loki’s chest. “And I do embarrassing shit like this, this is the opposite of sexy, I mean, I wonder what you think about this sometimes. It has to suck. And are you sticking with me because of the money and prestige, I know you’re not, but I’ve never had anyone stay for anything else before. It’s fucking terrifying.” One hand released Loki’s shirt and then grabbed it again. “I don’t know what to think. And if you leave I’m going to party my ass right into hell because that’s better than, and, god.” Tony rubbed his face against Loki’s chest. “You’re Thor’s little brother. And I knew you had to be good because Thor’s a fucking saint.” Some of Tony’s weight sagged into Loki. 

Loki just held on as tightly as he could, listening for Tony’s breathing as his heart beat against Loki’s chest. He wasn’t sure how long they stood there. 

Tony’s heart rate was slowly falling back down. Tony sniffled. “I just, I’m going to be mortified when I wake up tomorrow after this. Don’t tell anybody.” His chest shook as he drew in a breath. “Please don’t tell.” 

Loki paused just long enough to be sure that he wasn’t cutting Tony off. “Tony, I wouldn’t. You know that I would never.” He swayed slightly, in a small, repetitive motion, thinking that the rocking would help. 

“Don’t,” Tony said. 

Loki stilled. “Would you like me to let go?” 

“Not yet,” Tony said. They were quiet for a minute. Some of the tension was starting to leave Tony’s body, but Loki didn’t let up his guard. “The pressure helps me feel grounded,” Tony explained. 

“Okay,” Loki said. 

“Just, it helps.” 

“I know,” Loki said. 

“Can you talk?” Tony asked. “Tell me something.” 

Loki should’ve thought of that sooner. That often helped Tony. He didn’t know why it hadn’t occurred to him. “After this,” he said. “We’ll go back to your place and crawl under the covers and go to sleep. Or maybe I’ll make the cheese popcorn you like and we can watch that drama your driver got you into until we fall asleep. I’m going to sleep in late tomorrow because I don’t have to go into work until the afternoon. Don't get any ideas about waking me up.” 

“But it’s Sunday,” Tony said quietly. “Sunday funday.” 

Loki grinned slightly. “True, but don’t get any ideas.” Tony didn’t have another quip for him. He just shifted his fingers’ grip on Loki’s shirt, slackening the muscles that had frozen in a vice grip. “Maybe in the morning we’ll have pancakes then,” Loki continued. “And Natasha and Clint and Bruce are coming over in the afternoon to hang out with you, remember? I probably won’t see them unless I get off early.” He flexed his arms, trying to regain feeling from some of the stiffness. “I hope that the store is slow tomorrow so that I don’t have to clean five hundred things up.” He yawned suddenly. “And,” he said, trying to recover quickly, “since I’m not working Monday morning, that means that I can sleep in. I’ll probably clean up my apartment and try to finish up the leftover experiments sitting in the fridge.” 

Tony’s hands dropped from his shirt. “I’d like to go home.” 

Loki let his grip slacken. “Are you ready to go now?” 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “I’m over the worst of it. I can settle down in the car.” 

“Give me your keys,” Loki said gently. It took Tony a moment to process the command, but then he was handing them over. He found his keycards too. Tony looked a little shell shocked as they walked the halls, but he was determined. Loki felt shaky himself as he got into the car, but he was also determined. He would get them back home. They could deal with the rest later. 

They listened to the radio on the way back. When they got in, Tony just wanted to collapse into bed. He shucked off his shirt and jeans before burying himself in the sheets. Loki took longer. He tucked the folder away out of sight to be considered carefully when he had downtime. He changed clothes and asked Tony if he wanted anything before getting into bed. 

Tony stayed on his half of the bed when the lights went out. And as exhausted as Loki was, he couldn't fall right asleep. “Tony?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Are you going to freak out if I touch you?” 

“No. Go right ahead,” Tony said. He was sounding like his usual self again, or a tired version of it at least. Loki rolled over to his side and wrapped himself around Tony. He didn’t know why he needed it when he’d already spent a good period of the evening holding Tony, but he passed out instantly.


	42. Chapter 42

Loki kicked off his shoes as he came into Tony’s house, shrugging off his jacket and hanging it up on an empty hook in the room beside the garage entry. He combed his fingers through his hair, brushing it back from his face. 

He put his car keys in his jacket pocket on the hook. He didn’t know what the fuss over therapy was about now that the therapist he was seeing wasn’t connected to his parents. He actually enjoyed going, in a way. Tonight had been his second solo session. 

They hadn’t spent a lot of time talking about Tony. A lot more it had been about Loki and his family. 

Loki had always considered his anger to be an inherent part of who he was. A defect that couldn’t be escaped, but simply to be added to the long list of other defects. He had never thought to ask if it was the outcome of something else. 

He needed to sit down and process the session. Maybe he’d make some tea before he looked for Tony. He was probably still down in the lab. 

Loki startled when he walked into the kitchen. He hadn’t expected to see anyone. Tony was sitting hunched over the countertop with his head in his hands and a particularly dour expression. It vanished when he heard Loki’s footsteps. “Hey.” 

“Hi Tony,” Loki said. He took a step in the direction of the kettle. It would be better to let Tony work up to whatever had put that look on his face than pounce on it for an answer. 

“How was your session?” Tony asked. His eyes were bright and alert as he watched Loki for an answer, though that worried crease had not left his brow. 

Loki sighed as he filled the kettle. Tony’s eyebrows twitched. He leaned in closer over the counter by a fraction. “He asked if I thought that my anger could be a reaction to—” Loki licked his lips. He didn’t entirely want to say it, but it was easier to share things after he’d already been doing so for an hour, and he didn’t think that Tony would judge him. “Feeling depressed,” he said lightly. He set the kettle down on the stovetop. “I think that’s one of a few causes,” Loki said with detachment, turning the heat up. 

When he glanced back over at Tony, his boyfriend’s expression was far softer, though still cagey. “It’s been a challenging few years,” Loki said stiffly. “And maybe he’s right when he says that I’ve been too hard on myself.” Loki pulled a tea tin down from the cabinet, unwilling to look Tony in the eyes. 

“It’s seemed like it’s been hard,” Tony said. 

Loki stepped away from the stove and leaned back against the countertop, crossing his arms over his stomach. “I kept trying to justify to him why I didn’t want to work in a kitchen,” Loki said. “And he said—” Loki grinned wryly to the side, staring down at the tile. “It’s not for you.’ Just like that. Not why don’t you try somewhere else, or it’s what you’re good at, or you should just get over yourself. He just said, ‘it’s not for you.” Loki smiled, shaking his head a little. “And that was fine. It’s not for me and that’s fine.” Loki took a breath. “No one’s ever said that to me before.” 

“I mean, he let it be simple,” Loki said, shrugging. “Instead of trying to talk me into it.” He glanced up at Tony then. There was a matching wry smile on Tony’s face. 

“You weren’t happy there,” Tony said. 

“I know,” Loki said. “It’s just—that’s never been a good enough reason to leave before.” 

“Loki,” Tony started, cooing Loki’s name with tender sympathy. 

“No, really,” Loki said, stopping anything further. “I mean, he said he didn’t want to see me trying to start working in another kitchen again and limiting myself when I could be doing other things.” Loki shrugged. “I suppose I just didn’t think that he would say that. I thought I’d have to justify myself.” 

“It’s okay,” Tony explained. His expression was more stern now. Loki nodded his head. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. He turned to the stove just before the kettle could whistle. “Do you want some?” 

“I’m good,” Tony said. 

Loki started pouring himself a cup. “I guess that was my family in my head,” Loki said. He walked over to the counter by Tony. For a fleeting moment he had the feeling that Tony was impatient, but he couldn’t place why. Loki set his cup down on the counter. “I told him some of the things that Odin has said to me,” Loki said. He smiled self-consciously, watching his reflection in the tea. “I didn’t expect him to react like he did. I mean, I thought Odin said some fucked up things, but I didn’t expect to see a therapist react to it. His eyes got wide and he asked if Odin really said that, and then he looked pissed.” Loki grinned like it was a joke, flicking his thumb against the cup’s ceramic handle. 

Tony pulled the barstool up closer. Loki leaned down over the counter, curling his fingers around the cup. “I didn’t picture getting reactions like that from a therapist.” 

“What did Odin say?” Tony asked. 

“Oh, it was the old shit from before,” Loki said. He leaned his neck to the side, trying to stretch out some of the tension. “About how I was a failure and selfish and —” Loki took a sip of his tea. “I mean, I am those things—”

“Lokes,” Tony snapped. 

“I am,” Loki said indifferently. 

“Don’t say that crap to me,” Tony said. “That’s a really shitty thing to say when you know that I love you. Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that in front of me.” 

Loki felt a hot blush crawling up his throat as he was momentarily stunned. “I—” He wanted to shoot something back at Tony, but he was already drained. Nothing was coming to mind. 

“I hate hearing you talk like that,” Tony said. “It’s bullshit and you know it and listening to it sucks.” 

Loki leaned up off the counter. “You,” he said lightly, wishing that he hadn’t said anything at all. “Want to go try out the leather gear that came in the mail yesterday?” 

“No,” Tony said firmly. They were quiet for a few moments. “How’d the rest of the session go?” 

Loki pressed his fingers against the cup, debating how he wanted to continue. He took another sip before leaning his elbows down against the counter. “I spent a lot of time trying to prove to Odin that I was worthy. Of his adopting me even, I guess.” Loki tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. “I always think I’m past it,” Loki said, staring at the place on his arm hidden beneath his shirt sleeve. 

“I know how that feels,” Tony said. 

“I know,” Loki said. They both had issues with their fathers. He was grateful for that, in the sense that they could relate. He dragged the cup in little circles on the countertop. They fell silent again. 

“Hey, Loki?” He glanced up at his name. Tony’s face openly betrayed his apprehension now. Loki stood up straight, suddenly uncertain. “It’s been a week,” Tony said. “Have you…thought about it yet?” 

Loki held his gaze for a moment. Tony _needed_ an answer from him. Loki watched his finger trace the brim of the cup. They had talked about this in session. “Tony,” he said. Loki pressed his lips together. “I—I want to,” he said. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tony press in close to the counter, holding his breath, maybe. 

“But I—” Shit. He rubbed his hand against his forehead. “Maybe it’s something we should discuss together at the session tomorrow. I—” Tony looked like he was hanging onto Loki’s words, like he was on a knife’s edge between things Loki would rather not think about. “I know you said that it doesn’t bother you, but I’m not sure I trust you not to be bothered. It’s a huge commitment. I don’t want you to do it because you feel it’s expected of you or…” 

“That’s not how I feel about it,” Tony said. 

“Tony, you can say that,” Loki said. He made a frustrated sigh. “But it really fucking bothered you. I’m not sure I—” He ruffled his hair and dragged his fingers through it. “Believe you? What if two weeks in you decide that you’re not okay with it?” 

“I’ve thought about it, Lokes.” Tony let out a huff. “I really have. I—I want to, you know? I don’t want to be—” His hands balled at his sides, then came back nervously to the counter. “You know what?” He sighed, setting his hand against his head. “Maybe we should just talk about it tomorrow.” 

“…Okay.” Loki leaned away from the counter. Tony didn’t look happy with his suggestion, and Loki didn’t think they’d get anywhere. “I do want to,” he said quietly, attempting to reassure Tony. “I just want to make sure it works for us.”

“I know, yeah,” Tony said, getting off the barstool. “That’s fair.” He turned to the side like he was about to leave before abruptly stopping. “How’re things with your parents right now? You haven’t talked about them lately.” He spoke without turning his face towards Loki, only listening. 

“It’s easy to avoid them when I’m always at work,” Loki said. “My mother has asked me to reconsider a few more times, but it’s not as frequent as it could be. I think Jane’s approaching due date is keeping them occupied.” 

Tony made a sound in the back of his throat to acknowledge that he’d heard. “I think I’m going to go upstairs.” 

Loki drummed his fingers against the countertop. “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah,” Tony breathed out. He started walking out of the kitchen. Loki bit his lip, caught between annoyance and worry. 

“You want me to come up with you?” 

“If you want,” Tony answered. Loki stared at his tea for a moment before leaving it there. He followed a few paces behind Tony up the stairs. Tony sat down on the bed, looking unsure of what he wanted to do. 

Loki hesitated before striding over to the bed and lowering himself into Tony’s lap, trapping Tony’s hips between his thighs. He set his hands on Tony’s shoulders for balance. Tony stared at him, soft and weary. Loki rubbed his thumbs back and forth along Tony’s collarbones, pressing through the fabric of his shirt. Tony let out a deep sigh. “I want you to take it, Lo,” he muttered. 

“We can talk about it tomorrow,” Loki said. He leaned some of his weight into Tony’s shoulders, seeing if Tony would take it as an invitation to relax down onto the bed. He did. 

Tony stared up at him from the sheets, pinned at his shoulders, his hair tousled to the side. He grinned slightly, but the motion just emphasized his exhaustion. It filled Loki with a desire to wipe away Tony’s weariness, and lose himself just as much. 

He bent down and pressed his lips to the corner of Tony’s mouth, stretching out against Tony in a luxuriating way that emphasized the warmth of the body beneath him. He teased his tongue at the seam of Tony’s lips, parting them in a slow, easy slide. Tony’s lips were soft and pliant for him. He combed his fingers through Tony’s thick hair as he tasted stale coffee. 

Tony’s fingers squeezed at his hips as he groaned, arching up against Loki. 

Loki teased him with slow, domineering kisses until Tony was writhing beneath him. Tony bit his lip, knocking his forehead against Loki’s as he pulled away, panting heavily. “Don’t make me come in my pants, Lo.” 

“You wouldn’t,” Loki said with certainty. 

Tony huffed, turning his head to the side. “You’re killing me.” 

“Really?” Loki asked, his voice low and skeptical. 

Tony’s face twisted with displeasure, and it was only then that Loki realized they weren’t doing their usual banter. “Yes,” he said adamantly. “Just fuck me into the mattress already.” Tony glared at the far wall, face flushed. Loki didn’t know what to make of it. He didn’t move. 

“Please?” Tony asked softly. “I don’t want to think right now.” 

“Did I—” 

“I just,” Tony cut him off. “Don’t want to play games tonight.” 

Loki started to lean off the bed, a palpitation striking his chest, when Tony’s hands on his hips urged him to stay. “Lo,” Tony said, leaning up and sucking the side of Loki’s neck, causing Loki’s toes to curl. One strong hand cradled the side of Loki’s head as Tony’s mouth played at his neck. “Fuck me. Please. That’s what I want,” he said breathily. Loki closed his eyes for a moment, heady with how good Tony’s desire felt. 

Heat crawled across Loki’s skin. He clearly wasn’t answering fast enough, because Tony’s mouth quickly tired of the salty skin on his neck. “I’m tired,” Tony said. “You do the work,” he said jokingly. Tony’s heavy breaths were loud in Loki’s ears as he adjusted to the change in tone. 

“You haven’t even bothered to undress,” Loki pointed out, deciding that a lighter tone was better. He couldn’t decipher what was going on in Tony’s head past the desperate undercurrent. Maybe he _was_ just desperate not to think. About what? Something Loki had said? He couldn’t pick it apart then, because Tony was going to elbow him with the way he was trying to get his pants off. 

Maybe he wanted to lose himself too. The day had been long enough. 

Later, when Tony was laying there with a sloppy, sated look on his face, eyes half open as if about to fall asleep, Loki sat down on the edge of the bed. He’d expected Tony to fall asleep when he was in the shower. “Are you going to get in?” Tony asked. 

Loki brushed an invisible speck of dust off of his pajama bottoms. He wanted to ask what was going on inside of Tony’s head, and he also wanted to go to sleep and forget about it. Maybe it was nothing. He looked back over his shoulder. Tony seemed like Tony. 

He crawled in on his side and pulled up the covers. “I’ll try not to wake you up tomorrow.” 

Tony’s arm snuck in around him. Loki didn’t know why that surprised him, but it did. Tony pressed his lips to the back of Loki’s neck. “I’m going into the office tomorrow. I’m getting up at the same time as you,” he said, yawning through the last bit. He nosed at Loki’s neck, plastering himself against Loki. 

Loki opened his mouth, then stopped. Maybe he was overthinking things.


	43. Chapter 43

Loki didn’t know how it started, or why they couldn’t have just waited fifteen fucking minutes. Maybe it was because once they got in the car, the air between them was as volatile as a gas leak, and the slightest friction had sparked an explosion. He didn’t fucking know. All he knew was that they were suddenly in the middle of it. “I’m not criticizing you. I’m making a point!” Loki’s voice boomed over the car stereo. 

“That’s why I suggested therapy. Because that’s how grown ass adults fix their problems.” Tony argued, gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were turning white. 

“No one’s arguing with you on the logic of that,” Loki said. “No one’s arguing about therapy right now.” 

“Sorry real life had to jump in and burst this fantasy bubble we had going,” Tony said. “I’m sorry if this is too messy for you.” 

Loki didn’t even know what the fuck they were arguing about now. He couldn’t follow Tony’s scattered thoughts. “Pull over,” Loki commanded, his voice deep and sharp. 

Tony didn’t react for a moment. Then he pulled over fast, shutting off the engine. Tony drummed his thumbs against the steering wheel. 

“Tony,” Loki said, straining to appear calm but lashing out with impatience anyway. “I want to take you up on your offer. But I can’t trust you not to flip out on it.” 

Tony sucked in a tight breath. “Well then give me that chance, Loki!” 

“You don't understand,” Loki snapped. “If you change your mind, I am fucked. I am barely paying for my apartment and getting by as it is, and if I quit my jobs to take this and then you decide that you don’t like the arrangement anymore, I’m in the exact same situation as before.” 

“What makes you think that’s going to happen?” Tony demanded. “What the hell did I do that makes you think that I’m going to back out two weeks in?” 

Loki’s arms couldn’t be crossed any tighter. He had to unclench his jaw to hiss out a reply. “The same thing that made you throw trips and shit at me, hoping they’d reveal me to be some gold digging asshole.” 

“Fuck,” Tony barked, berating himself. “I said I was sorry about that.” 

“I know,” Loki said. He took a deep breath. “Can you really blame me for questioning you on this? You’ve made yourself hard to trust.”

“So did you,” Tony said. “I never knew what the hell was going on with you. It’s only after therapy that you’ve gotten good at talking about things.” 

Loki’s knee hit the dashboard as he crossed his legs. He barely restrained the dramatic eye roll he felt. “I’ve been trying,” Loki snapped, rubbing his throbbing knee. 

“I know. So have I,” Tony shot back. 

“I know,” Loki said. He ran his tongue back and forth over his teeth as Tony’s harsh breathing filled the quiet. “I have a lot more to lose with this,” he said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Tony twisting in his seat, perhaps about to argue with that. “And I like what we have. Don’t get pissed that I—don’t want to lose it.” 

“Well,” Tony said, clearly knocked off balance by that. “Then—why are you fighting this? This is making me feel way more like we’re going to lose what we have than a yes would.” 

“That’s exactly it,” Loki said. “You don’t get it—” 

  “I get it—” Tony started, cutting him off. 

“No,” Loki interrupted. “You don’t. You see this as a fix, and maybe it is, but it could blow up in our faces too.” 

“I don’t think I’d call it a fix,” Tony started. 

“But it is,” Loki said. “You like to fix things.” Tony bit back on whatever he was about to say, apparently conceding to that point. “And I appreciate the offer. I do. I think it’s brilliant. But I _have_ to know that it’s going to be alright.” 

“It is!” Tony exclaimed. “I mean, I can’t guarantee that your business will be a success. I can’t. I can’t even guarantee that you’ll like doing it. But it’s worth a shot. And I mean that, Loki.” There was no doubt in Loki’s mind that he did. Tony captured sincerity better than anyone he had ever known, ironically, maybe. “Just take a fucking chance.” 

Loki’s gaze dropped to the dashboard. He set his fingers in his hair, resting his palm against his forehead. He ran his tongue along his top lip. “I can’t afford to fail again, Tony.” Admitting felt absolutely awful, worse than telling a terrible secret. He liked to pretend that he reveled in chaos, but he needed plans. It was no use if he couldn’t manipulate things the way he wanted them to turn out. “If the business fails, or you suddenly decide you want out, then I’m going to lose my apartment and be dependent on other people until I can find work again. I—I’m too burnt out to keep doing it, Tony.” 

“Loki, I—first of all, I don’t think that will happen.” Tony pushed his arms against the steering wheel, pressing himself back against his seat. “And anyway, I want you out of that apartment.” 

“I knew you hated it,” Loki muttered, feeling absolutely awful. Denial about that had been keeping him sane. 

“Loki,” Tony said, patience thin on the name. “I don’t like you living there. The place is falling apart and that one neighbor is a leering sack of shit that gives me the creeps. Do you know how much sleep I’ve lost over you being there? I don’t like you sleeping there alone.” 

Loki’s mouth dropped open. “Is that why you started staying over? Not because you wanted to be over, but because you were anxious about me?” 

“No,” Tony said. “I know—I get that it’s your place. I get it. I come over to your apartment because I want to be with you. I’m just saying that I don’t like you there alone, which is different. But Loki, come on. You went stalking through your apartment with a fucking knife because you thought there was someone there. You know just as well as I do that it’s not great.” 

Loki bit back on his chagrin. “And,” Tony added. “You seem more comfortable and relaxed at my house. I don’t know why you fucking hated it so much to begin with.” 

“So what are you saying?” Loki asked, unwilling to acknowledge that last part. 

“I’m saying that if this works out, you can just move into my house,” Tony said. “I’m sick of driving back and forth. I’m ready for us to move in together. And I’ll give you one of the bedrooms so you can have your own space if you want.” Tony turned towards the window a bit. “And before you worry about paying for it, the house is already paid off. I inherited it from my dad, so it’s not like I’m worried about it.” 

Loki was silent for a moment. Then he let out a little, pained half-laugh sound. “If this works out.” 

“I didn’t mean it like—I do—Look.” Tony rubbed his hand over his eye, then dropped it to the seat, grimacing. “I want you to have a better job before you move in for keeps. Hell, I’d like it if you just had one job so seeing you wasn’t like trying to catch a home run ball or some shit.” Tony breathed in deeply through his nose. “I think you need a stable job for _you_. I think you’ll feel a lot better with one. And you having a better one will make me feel better about this whole thing. Even if I invest in it. I’ll feel like you’re moving in because you want to, not because you have to and not because I have to let you. And I know it’s not easy to find a better job. I get that better now than when we started dating. I’ve—sat in on hiring meetings since then, you know? Sometimes I look at candidates and see how fucking hard some of them have worked just to get an interview and I just…start to think about you.” 

“Okay,” Loki said, voice testy. So Tony had finally figured out that it wasn’t as easy as he assumed. Loki wasn’t going to give him a gold star for that. He did, however, understand and like Tony’s point about moving in together. 

“Am I making sense here?” Tony asked, obviously displeased with that response. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. He rubbed both hands across his face and smoothed them over his hair, closing his eyes. 

“But,” Tony said. 

“Look at us,” Loki said. He put his palm on his forehead and leaned into it, trying to hide the deepening frown on his face. “We’re arguing about this. These are supposed to be good things.” His eyes flinched closed for a second before the barren, hopeless question came. “How do we have a fucking chance?” 

Tony pressed his lips together for a moment. “Together,” he offered quietly. “We work on it together.” 

Loki smiled slightly, incredulously, hiding it beneath a hand pressed pensively to his mouth as he turned to look at Tony. The lights from the dashboard illuminated his face as he stared at the road, waiting for Loki’s answer. “I guess we can work out the kinks at therapy,” Loki said. They were late, and Loki thought this would be a good point to leave off on. 

He expected Tony to turn the car back on then, but he didn’t. Tony spoke softly towards the dashboard instead. “You know,” Tony said. “I can’t remember if we’ve talked about this or not, but at one of my first sessions back, that was something I had to work out.” Tony scratched his hand against his beard, pushing the words from himself. “You were the best relationship I’d had, and it was having its problems, you know? I thought it meant that I was too fucked up to ever have a good one. But then he said, you choose to love someone, you know? It’s work too. It’s not going to be perfect and we’re going to have days where we might hate each other’s guts, but that’s okay. I mean, not all the time, obviously, but—” Tony smiled reflexively, correcting himself. “What I’m saying is, sticking together takes effort, and if we’re willing to work on it as hard as we are, we _have_ a fucking chance.” 

Instantly, strangely, Loki felt relief wash over him. It didn’t pull away his anger, or clear out the debris of the argument, but it made him feel like everything was going to be okay. 

“Thanks,” Loki managed. 

“For what?” Tony asked. 

Loki shook his head. “Just—that you’re right. We’re—” He waved his hand towards the dashboard. “Sitting in a fucking car trying to work out our shit together. On the way to sit in a room where we’re going to work on getting our shit together.” He grinned suddenly, as if the entire thing was deeply amusing. Tony’s hand appeared on his thigh, its warm weight reassuring. 

“Wanna go work out our shit with a patient third party?” Tony asked lightly. 

“Yeah.” Loki’s grin widened and he shook his head at the absurdity of it all. “Let’s go.” 

They walked into the therapist’s office fifteen minutes late. He rose from his desk looking mildly startled, but it was easy to tell why. Loki knew they looked as worn out as they felt. “You both seem like you’ve had a long evening?” The therapist ventured. “I haven’t seen you two like this before.” Loki caught Tony’s eye, then grinned mildly.

“That’s one way of putting it,” Tony said, sitting down. As Loki sat down beside him, sinking into the small couch, he knew the worst of the evening was already over. Tony glanced at him, catching his eye.

“Would you like to go first?” Loki asked him.

Tony stared at him for a moment, thinking, before a soft smile showed on his lips. “No. You start.” 

 

It was easily the most productive session they’d had. And when Loki followed Tony into the house, all he wanted to do was slump down onto the closest surface and fall asleep. Preferably with Tony there. 

Loki rubbed his eyes, yawning as he kicked off his shoes. “You know what?” Tony said, catching his yawn. “I’m fucking starving. I’m going to order in a pizza.” 

“Okay,” Loki said. He yawned again. 

“Wanna watch a movie on the couch?” Tony asked. 

“I want to lay in bed,” Loki said, fighting off yet another yawn. “I’m too tired to sit up.” 

“We can rearrange the couch,” Tony said. “And use the big screen in the living room. Let me call the pizza place and then I’ll help.” 

Loki wasn’t really sure what Tony meant, but he shuffled his way into the living room and sank down onto the couch. He was absolutely drained, but excited too. He didn’t think of anything as his muscles sank into the leather cushions. “Okay,” Tony said, walking in. “Pizza should be here in thirty minutes.” Suddenly the couch that Loki was on was being maneuvered. He went along for the ride as Tony pushed it sideways, then grabbed the two armchairs and pushed them in, effectively making a rectangle. 

Tony went to the cabinet beneath the television and pulled out a drawer, withdrawing several plush blankets. He tossed them back towards the couch. Then he left down the hallway. 

Loki sat up and pulled one of the blankets in over himself. 

Tony returned with an armful of pillows. He dumped them over the side of the couch and then hopped over the back of an armchair. Loki watched with mild amusement as Tony arranged the pillows behind them, and obligingly sat up when Tony motioned to put one behind his back. Then Tony pulled the blankets up, flinging them up over both of them. “You couldn’t even bother with turning on the TV?” Tony asked. 

Loki pointedly closed his eyes, smirking. 

Tony sighed dramatically, then got up and grabbed the remote. He flipped on the TV and settled back down into their makeshift bed, flipping through the channels. He wasn’t settling on one. 

Loki watched him give the channels a split second evaluation. Tony was remarkably gorgeous then, with his rakish hair and worn t-shirt. Loki scooted in towards the divide in the cushions, turning to his side and laying against Tony. His boyfriend glanced down at him, eyebrows slightly raised, then grinned. 

“This almost feels like a blanket fort,” Loki said lightly. 

“It’s a you want a bed and I want the big TV fort,” Tony answered. Loki smirked slowly, stretching out his legs. Tony went back to flipping through channels as Loki set his head against Tony’s chest. “If you fall asleep, I _will_ wake you up to get the pizza.” 

“At your own risk,” Loki warned him. 

“You’d let me starve to death?” Tony asked, combing his fingers through Loki’s hair. 

“You’d have to do a lot to deserve _that_ ,” Loki said. 

“Hmmm,” Tony answered. He settled on a channel as his fingers continued, their repetitive motion soothing Loki. He thought he might actually fall asleep before the pizza arrived. 

Instead, he groaned when Tony deprived him of body heat to answer the door, and again when Tony sat up to eat. Loki decided that he might as well eat, and propped his back up against the pillows and arm of the couch. Loki could tell from Tony’s expression that he was really getting into the show he was watching. Loki sank back down into the pillows when he finished eating, half-heartedly watching the TV as Tony ate. 

At the commercial, Tony slid back in beside him, inching in closer under the blankets. Loki moved onto his side so that he could reach over and brush his thumb along the stubble on Tony’s cheek. It was an impulse that he dearly wanted to indulge just then. Tony’s beard was coarse beneath his thumb, but the motion was comforting. There was a question in Tony’s eyes, but he didn’t voice it. Loki leaned in for a long, slow kiss. 

It settled the stir in his chest and filled him in a way he couldn’t describe. When he pulled back, Tony had that bright, happy glow in his eyes. “We can go through adding those things into the paperwork tomorrow,” Loki said gently. 

“I’m excited for you,” Tony said. “I’m excited for us.”

“Me too,” Loki answered. He sunk back down against Tony’s chest, resting his head to the side so that he could watch the TV. Tony’s hand reappeared in his hair. 

“It’s a good step for us,” Tony said. 

“I know,” Loki answered softly. He genuinely felt like it was. The pieces had been there, they’d just needed some assistance putting them together. 

“What’re you going to name your business?” Tony asked. 

“I’m not sure,” Loki answered, fighting off a yawn. “I haven’t thought that far into it.” 

Tony pressed a tired, awkwardly placed kiss to Loki’s head. The show came back on. Loki drifted off, and woke to a dark room a few hours later. He sat up, confused and disoriented. Then Tony turned over beside him. “Lokes?” He whispered. They were in the living room. Right. “What time is it?” 

“I can’t see anything,” Loki answered. Tony fumbled for his phone. It was four in the morning. 

“Shit,” Tony said. He yawned loudly. “This is killing my back.” 

Loki scratched his head, tangling his hair further. “Want to go upstairs?” 

“Yes,” Tony answered. 

They stumbled over the couch, knocking things down and swearing as they tried to reorient themselves. Once they were in Tony’s bed, the sheets were horribly cold, but at least it was comfortable. Knowing he had work the next day, Loki diligently drifted off again, not entirely remembering why the feeling of contentment was there as he did.


	44. Chapter 44

Loki’s feet dragged as he let himself into Tony’s house, looking forward to the moment that he’d be able to collapse somewhere. Finally, finally, he had reached the end of his two week notices. 

There was a thong in his back pocket with _wild thing_ emblazoned in sequins over tiger print fabric. Amora had given it to him as a parting gift, saying it was only fitting that he have the damn thing as a reminder of the place. The two of them had mocked it more times than he could count during their nights cleaning up the store. 

Loki kicked off his shoes and wandered into the kitchen. He figured that Tony would already be in bed. The kitchen light was on, but Tony had probably left it that way for him. The hallway was dark. 

Loki hoped that Tony was in bed. Curling into him and falling asleep right now sounded perfect. 

Loki yanked the ponytail out of his hair as he flipped off the kitchen light. He’d been holding his breath the past two weeks, waiting for Tony to act out. He half expected that he’d have to take back his two weeks and keep working his jobs. But nothing had happened. Except that Tony was hornier than usual, or maybe Loki was just more tired than usual. Loki wasn’t sure which was which. 

He’d still be holding his breath until…he wasn’t sure when. He felt reasonably sure that Tony was more settled with the idea of investing in him to start a business now. It _had_ been Tony’s idea. And Tony kept saying he was excited. And Loki believed him. But he also believed that Tony could misjudge himself and freakout, so the thought remained frantically skittering in the back of his mind. That was why he’d insisted on giving the two week notices more than anything else. 

Loki rubbed the back of his neck as he started towards the stairs. 

Maybe he needed to give things a chance. Maybe for once, things would work out. 

He let out a deep sigh as he climbed the stairs. No more thinking tonight. The hall was dim. The bedroom light was off. Tony probably was asleep. Loki reached out to push the door open. “Loki?” Tony’s voice called from downstairs. 

“I’m upstairs,” Loki called back. He waited a moment, but heard nothing in reply. He pushed the bedroom door open. 

Loki pulled open a dresser drawer. “Hey,” Tony said, appearing a bit breathlessly in the doorway. “I didn’t see you pull in. I was, I didn’t hear you, but I noticed the kitchen light was off and saw your shoes downstairs. You, uh, how was work?” 

Tony looked dressed up, but Loki wasn’t quite sure why he thought so at first. Tony was just wearing a t-shirt and jeans, but they were new. And his hair was slightly damp and styled, like he’d gotten out of the shower a while ago. And fuck, whatever he was wearing smelled good. 

Loki really hoped that Tony wasn’t planning on them going out somewhere. He was too fucking tired, but he’d feel guilty if he turned Tony down. But maybe Tony was just dressed up to be Tony. He did that sometimes. 

Loki shrugged. “It was alright.” He looked down at the drawer, trying to decide what he was going to wear for pajamas. “Amora’s going to miss me. I’m almost sorry to leave her there.” 

“You could always hire her,” Tony suggested. 

“She’s almost done with school,” Loki said. “Then she’ll want to go her own way. She’s not looking for something long term.” He decided on an old pair of sweatpants. 

“Hey,” Tony said, taking his hands out of jeans and then putting them back in. “Why don’t you, uh, come with me for a sec?”

So he _was_ up to something. But now, Loki was genuinely curious. Tony took a step back towards the door. “Okay,” Loki said, dropping the sweatpants. He followed Tony’s quick steps, trying to keep up with the small talk that Tony was throwing at him. 

Tony stopped when they reached the guest bedroom that had the rooftop balcony. Once Loki saw out the windows, he understood why. 

The balcony was lit by an odd assortment of candles, placed intermittently. Loki recognized the candles as stolen from decorations around the house. He knew then that Tony had done the arrangement himself. A surge of affection swept through Loki so strongly that it was painful. He glanced at Tony. “You’re not getting romantic on me, are you? I told you, I don’t need roses and bullshit.” 

“I know,” Tony said, walking ahead of him and pulling open the door. “Just, I wanted to do something. You know?” 

There were the two chairs and table set with glasses and a bottle of champagne. “For my last day of work?” Loki asked. He took a seat, happy to be sitting down. His body gratefully sank into the chair. 

Tony grabbed the bottle to uncork it. He focused on the task as he spoke. “Yeah. And just us. Starting this whole thing. You starting your own business. I’m really happy, Lokes.” Tony said it so matter of factly that Loki was struck by an urge to pull him in. To do something tangible and satisfy the affectionate tug in his chest. Tony poured a glass. “We’ve come a long way, you know?” 

Loki stared at a champagne bubble working its way up the glass. 

Tony was right.

It felt like forever since he’d had a shitty date with Tony on this balcony. He hadn’t even known what he’d wanted from Tony then, not really. He’d felt like absolute shit on this balcony back then, reflecting on it now. 

Now he felt a contentment and an ease that he’d never experienced with anyone else. Sure, he was weary about how Tony would handle the business starting up and all that came with it, but Loki wanted to be here. He liked being here. 

Even this fucking balcony felt like home now. 

“Yeah,” Loki said. 

Tony raised his glass. “Cheers,” he said. Loki quickly grabbed his glass to clink it against Tony’s. 

“Cheers,” he answered, taking a heavy sip and tucking a lock of hair behind his ear as he looked out towards the sky.

It was just warm enough that he didn’t need his jacket, but he wished he hadn’t taken it off all the same. He would’ve liked to tug it against him. 

He watched an airplane cross the sky, its lights blinking against the starry backdrop. When he finally glanced over at Tony, his boyfriend’s warm brown eyes were cast in the same direction as the plane, as if contemplating it too. 

“This is really nice of you,” Loki said quietly. “Thank you.” 

Tony beamed at him. “You like it?” He asked, suddenly ten years younger. 

“Yeah,” Loki said, trying not to grin at that. “I’m not sure what Sharon’s going to say when she sees that you burned the centerpiece candles on Monday, though.” 

“Is that what they are?” Tony asked. 

“That’s why they were surrounded by the bird nests and the wreath she put out.” 

“Oh.” 

Really, Loki would’ve told her not to bother with all of the decorative displays if he hadn’t known that the maid did them because she liked doing them. They were wasted on Tony. He took another sip from his glass, trying not to laugh at Tony’s expense. 

Tony relaxed back into his chair, crossing his ankles out in front of him. “I can’t believe we’re doing this, Lo.” Loki swallowed, setting down his glass. “I’m just—I can’t fucking believe it.” 

“Are you okay with it?” Loki asked for what felt like the five hundredth fucking time. 

“Yeah,” Tony said, giving him a dismissive look as if only humoring him. “It’s just—you know—I can’t believe we’re here.” 

Loki rubbed a hand across his face, breathing in. Halfway through he paused. He dropped his hand to his lap. “Yeah,” he said. He licked his lip. It tasted like the champagne. “We’ve come a long way.” He realized that this might be one of those times where Tony needed hear something from him. “I’m glad we’re here.” 

He watched a thick bead of wax slide down one of the candles. “Hey, uh—” Tony’s relaxed disbelief was replaced by something bright but anxious. “You’re going to move in, right?” Loki’s head turned towards him, green eyes suddenly emphasized by white. “I mean, we’re already living together,” Tony said quickly. “I thought we’d, you know, like we talked about?” 

They hadn’t talked about it since that night before therapy. Loki took a deep breath. “We are living together more or less, aren’t we.” His attention dropped to the flickering candle on the table, his eyebrows knitted together in thought. “Maybe since I’m—starting a company, we can, should make that a more permanent thing.” Loki felt a faint flush crawl up his neck. “I could…take one of the guest bedrooms and put all of my stuff in there so that we have our own space sometimes, like you said.” He felt a little dizzy imagining that, and bold suggesting it. 

His apprehension towards Tony’s reaction was unnecessary, however. Tony answered with a louder voice, excitement slipping in. “Yeah, but you could still sleep in my bedroom, right?” 

Loki gave him a coy look when he glanced up. “I don’t have any intention of denying myself lazy morning sex.”

“How soon do you think you can move in?” Tony asked with amusement. 

“I don’t know,” Loki said, tilting his glass side to side. “I’m going to have to pack.” 

Tony lifted his glass to his lips, watching the sky again. He took a sip. “I’m going to have to say goodbye to my kitchen, aren’t I?” 

“You only use the coffee maker anyway—” Loki started, then stopped when he saw Tony grinning at him. Tony broke into a full laugh. Loki rolled his eyes, fighting with the quirk of his lips. “I will be rearranging it,” he promised. 

“It’s kind of a shame that I fixed up the lighting for the kitchen in your apartment,” Tony said. “At least the next tenant will get to enjoy it.” He finished off his glass and went to pour another. “Are you going to take this bedroom?” 

“I—I don’t know,” Loki said. “I haven’t thought about it yet.” 

“Well dust off whatever room you want,” Tony said. “I have enough to house all my friends in if I wanted. You can have this one if you want.” 

Loki wasn’t sure what he thought about taking this particular room. He ran his thumb down the stem of his glass. “I am looking forward to not driving back and forth all the time.” 

“You’re looking forward to the not driving part? Not being with me?” Tony teased him. 

“That goes without saying,” Loki muttered, giving him a slow grin. Tony smiled back at him. They fell into silence again. Loki stared at the candle flames, still impressed by the effort Tony had put in. He probably would’ve hated this months ago. Now he liked it just because Tony had made the effort for him. After a while, the silence felt like it was going on too long. Loki dug into his back pocket. “Look what Amora gave me.” 

Tony gave it a wide eyed stare for a second before asking, “Is there something going on between you two that I definitely don’t want to know about?” 

“It was a goodbye present,” Loki said. Tony took it from his hand, pretending to admire it. “I think you should wear it.” 

“No fucking way,” Tony said. He started to laugh and Loki followed. Tony dropped the thong onto the table, wiping away a tear. “She gave it to you, that means you have to wear it.” 

“I think I’m going to burn it,” Loki answered. Tony waved a hand towards all of the candles. He started laughing again, then collected himself. He gave Loki a messy grin. 

“I love you, Lokes.” 

Loki’s reply was natural and instant. “I love you too.” The admission sunk into Loki’s bones with a warmth he’d never admit to aloud. 

The instant the moment passed, Loki said, “No stuffed animals, no chocolate covered sentimental bullshit, alright?” 

“Maybe I want to,” Tony answered petulantly. 

“No you don’t,” Loki said. Tony grinned. The brunette tapped his hand against the table, staring out over the balcony. Loki watched him from the corner of his eye, still feeling light and happy in his chest. 

Despite everything, he really felt like he was in a good place. 

“In a few weeks here we can open the pool up,” Tony said. 

Loki smirked, shaking his head minutely. “Are you saying that because you want to hint at skinny dipping sometime in the future?” 

“I’m not hinting at jack shit,” Tony said. He sat up in his chair, more animated. “I’m leading into demanding that there be pool based sexy times in our future.” 

“I’m not being the pool boy in your weirdo pool fantasy,” Loki said. He tilted back his champagne glass and finished it off, then went to pour himself another. Liquid gushed into the glass. 

“Are you sure?” Tony asked. 

“Positive.” Loki set the bottle back down. “You can be the pool boy.” 

“But—”

“I’ve already called dibs on not being the pool boy,” Loki said. He smirked. “Besides, I’d really like to watch you try to clean something.”

“I can clean things,” Tony said indignantly. 

“And you can prove that to me when you’re trying to skim leaves out of the pool.” Loki primly sipped his champagne. 

Tony crossed his arms, but he didn’t actually seem displeased. “Whatever. Fine. But I’m not doing it in the thong,” Tony said. 

“I hadn’t even thought of that, but now you must,” Loki said. Tony started to scowl. “Do I need to call your company and complain that you’re not in uniform?” Loki asked, suddenly in character. “I would hate to have to ask your manager to send me someone else, but if that’s what it’s going to have to be—”

Tony rolled his eyes, but didn’t answer. He fell silent. Loki let that linger for a moment. “You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?” Loki asked, knowing the answer damn well. 

“Yes,” Tony stubbornly admitted. His cheeks had already stained themselves a darker shade of pink. 

Loki tipped back his glass for another drink. “You just make sure it isn’t on a day that all of your friends show up to use the pool.” 

Tony made a sound at the back of his throat. He rubbed his nose. “Alright,” he agreed. Loki frowned, remembering just how dearly Tony’s friends loved to show up unannounced for the pool. He’d probably be seeing them a lot more. Tony sighed, long and deep. 

Loki was about to ask what was wrong before he saw Tony’s face. He was smiling to himself, twirling the champagne in his glass. “What?” Loki asked. 

Tony shook his head. “Just—” He took a breath, smiling wryly to one side. Then he turned to look at Loki. “I’m content, you know?” Tony held his gaze for a moment. It sent a spark down Loki’s spine that ended in a warm shiver. Maybe it was too cold out. Tony broke it to stare skyward instead, leaving Loki to admire the clean line of his beard along his jawline. “I know we’ve had our rough patches, Loki, but we really are getting there.” He relaxed his shoulders. “It feels good.” 

Loki couldn’t deny the warmth shivering along his nerves any longer. He didn’t need the jacket. “If I weren’t so fucking exhausted, I’d demand a good fuck right now.” Loki said. Tony cracked up with a laugh. 

“You know I’ll take that raincheck anytime.” 

Loki grinned. He knew. 

But for now, he was perfectly content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this fic immensely, and all of your lovely comments and kudos were a big part of that, so thank you. <3 This is where it ends from Loki’s POV. I plan to write a little more of what happens from Tony’s POV in a separate story. And probably make that one E, because I can. XD 
> 
> I’d love it if you’d let me know what you liked, thought, and what worked from this story so that I can improve on the next one. Thank you for reading along!


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